The Simpsons/Season 23
season of television series
The Simpsons: Seasons: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 | Movie Crank calls
The Simpsons (1989–present) is an American animated sitcom broadcast by the Fox Broadcasting Company created by Matt Groening. The series is a satirical depiction of American life, epitomized by the Simpson family.
- Marge: I do have a place you can go, where a sadistic man with government experience can feel right at home.
- Homer: So much violence on the surface world... I'm going back! [jumps back under ice]
- Wayne: Homer is implanted with several high powerful tracking devices.
- Marge: How did that happen?
- Wayne: I left them out in a bowl and he ate them.
- Homer: No! Not the middle seat!
- Lunchlady Doris: We can't keep serving the same thing every day, these kids have mashed potatoes coming out of their ears.
- [Jimbo runs past with mash potato in his ears, as he didn't want to listen to Bart]
- Superintendent Chalmers: Point taken.
- Wayne: Your town appears on no maps or charts.
- Homer: Yeah, they couldn't find a Google map photo without me naked or urinating.
- Marge: And when there was a map makers convention here, we all got Lou Gehrig's disease.
- Homer: Not the one you're thinking of though, there's another one.
- Marge: What brought you to Springfield? Was it our Frito Lay distribution center?
- Moe: Wow, that's the farthest one of my eggs ever made it down someone's throat.
- Moe: My fresco! That's coming out of your stealings!
- Homer: I guess it's not much when you look at real problems in the world like Major League umpires not using instant replay.. ok...
- Nelson: This place is beautiful as a the side of a Coors Lite bottle. The kind my dad used to leave in the bathroom.
- Bart: I thought teachers only went outside to smoke and cry.
- Bart: Same garbage, different dumpster.
- Edna: We have shirts from other high schools.
- Marge: Ooh, we can wear those to the nice malls.
- Lisa: [After seeing Bart locking a door.] Bart, what are you doing?
- Bart: Taking over the school. With all the kids inside.
- Lisa: What?! I'm telling mom!
- Bart: Great, you can call her from the closet phone. [Locks Lisa in the closet.]
- Lisa: [offscreen] Hello, mom? You won't believe what Bart's doing.
- Bart: There really is a phone in there? [Bart opens the closet door, revealing that Lisa was faking. Lisa sticks her tongue at Bart. Bart locks the closet again.] So immature.
- [The kids threaten to destroy a photocopier if Willie breaks the door down.]
- Principal Skinner: Willie, stay your tractor.
- Groundskeeper Willie: Ya can't just turn 'er on and off like that! [Skinner turns the key which turns off the tractor.] Oh, ah guess ya can.
- Sea Captain: Yar, just plastic. Which is healthier than what you find in the ocean.
- Homer: Don't buy it. I bought one last year and it was crap construction!
- Homer: Marge, my ice cream's melting and I haven't finished my brownie!
- Ned: (to Mrs. Muntz who accosts him) Spend less time on your back and more time on your knees.
- Bart: Traitor! How dare you betray the planet I got laid on?
- Chalmers: There they are! Lets fry these calamari and serve them in a dipping sauce made from their own blood!
- Skinner: But why?!
- Chalmers: Well, it's not so bad.
- Skinner: Well, it's a little.
- Homer: For further communication, I will require more beans.
- Homer: Halloween - the one time of the year where the squalor of our home works to our advantage.
- Homer: I'm on the floor. I can't move. So far, a normal Sunday morning...
- Marge: I take your sugary sweets and give you healthy items...
- Bart: This is exactly why kids need a union.
- Lisa: Now prepare to take an incredible journey across the room.
- Homer: I won't say, but his initials are S.F.
- Roz: Stupid Flanders!
- Homer: You're my personal savior.
- Ned: Thank you, but I don't approve...
- Homer: Hail Flanders, mightier than Jesus.
- Homer: She's the most evil person to come out of Ohio since LeBron. But at least he thought long and hard before screwing everybody over. In public. For no reason.
- Professor Fink: Hello, Miss Wyoming. I'll have to climb your Grand Tetons to another night.
- Miss Wyoming: [after receiving Frink's call] WHY WON'T HE LOVE ME!? [cries on her bed]
- Homer: If an emergency alarm goes off, there's ear plugs in the top drawer.
- Homer: Marge, get my seal club, the big one!
- Bart: To sweeten the deal, I'll pick you first for basketball.
- Milhouse: I really need that cootie shot, my dog and I accidentally touched tongues.
- Bart: How is this accidentally when it's the fifth time?
- Homer: I've come around on hipsters. It takes a lot of guts to all wear the same hat.
- Krusty: Krustyland has a new ride, the Eyeballs of Death. It only passed the safety by a 3 to 2 vote. And that third didn't come cheap.
- Homer: I don't eat anything new unless I've eaten it before.
- Lisa: They're using pancakes as spoons.
- Bart: Ooh, let's see what else they're doing wrong.
- Ned: SPORTS stands for Strict Parental Oversight Rather Than Sports.
- Marge: What if we roll pennies and go to the dollar store?
- Homer: That's good, Marge. Get all the terrible ideas out of your system.
- Marge: How come they never call me fun mom?
- Homer: A family's like a team. On every team, you have the slam dunking mega star and the referee.
- Marge: But this was all I had!
- Gordon Ramsay: Stop your bloody winging Marge!
- Marge: Aaah! Gordon Ramsay?
- Gordon Ramsay: You shut up big blue! Didn't you? Why did you invite Homer? He stole your bloody thunder. You're not as much fun as him and you'll never will be. (Marge cries) Darling, darling, crying's not fun. Homer's fun! Now get out of my dream!
- Marge: It's my dream!
- Gordon Ramsay: Not anymore it's not! Ramsay, awake! (snaps his fingers, then awakes from his own bed) What in the hell was that?
- Developer: I have twins I've never met.
- Bart: When you meet them, tell them your game is too easy.
- Homer: From the dad that brought you cemetery paintball and go carts on real roads...
- Milhouse: These aren't dinosaurs! Dinosaurs sing! [throws Barney doll into a dinosaur's mouth]
- Ralph: [getting scared] I wanna go back inside mommy. [tries to hide under Sarah's skirt]
- Homer: It's not against the law to sleep in a Tyrannosaurus head!
- Security Guard: Sir, you're inside an Allosaurus.
- Homer: I demand to speak to my paleontologist!
- Neil Gaiman: I've heisted myself to the bestseller list once again. And the most brilliant part is: I don't even know how to read!
- Lisa: I got the idea from every movie ever made.
- Homer: [about Neil Gaiman] British Fonzie is right.
- TweenLit CEO: Is R.L. Stine here? Because you just gave me goosebumps.
- Tweenlit CEO: [about the changes made to the group's novel] Don't feel bad. Before we got our hands on Twilight, it was about a girl who fell in love with a golem, but teens weren't going to spend their allowances to join 'Team Shmuel'!
- Lisa: Everybody knows you got the idea for the series after an explosion at a crumpet factory knocked you off a double-Decker bus. How could that be made up?
- Bart: The point of the dinosaurs is: no matter what we do, an asteroid is going to wipe us out. So we should party hard and wreck the place!
- Homer: Yeah, why should the asteroid have all the fun?!
- Kids: [Shrieks] A troll!
- Moe: Hey, I ain't a troll! Look, I bleed red, just like you! [He pokes a needle on his finger. Green blood leaked out of Moe's finger.] The first part is always green. It turns red!
- Jimbo: Your fists are your sisters?
- Dolph: Yeah, Pocahontas and Sacagawea!
- Bart: Nice save.
- Mr. Burns: Take us out first. Anyone can start a family. These days no one can find a job.
- Bart: I'll get one those jobs where you don't need to read. Like french fry maker or general.
- Homer: Can you be my dad?
- Robert: If your mom was a secretary, there's a good chance I am.
- Robert: There ain't enough bourbon in Kentucky for you, big guy.
- Homer: Yeah, the governor wrote me a letter to that effect.
- Robert: Before you say yes, Simpson I fell it's my duty to warn you, account men lose their soul.
- Homer: Woohoo! No more church!
- Robert Marlow: In two weeks, the only tie I'll be wearing will be for auto erotic asphyxiation.
- Krusty: Why can't I be funny with just my words? Bill Maher doesn't put dangerous things near his crotch. Except when he's off work.
- Homer: [about the children's movie I watched] If you got that, then-- [notices his son is watching a porn movie]
- XXX Babe: Are you sure you're Martin Scorsese? [A hand (used by Homer) blocks the laptop and puts the CD back in the case.]
- Homer: Enjoy the outdoors, you stupid kid!
- Lisa: [watches the people taking the rafts to the ground which the raft doesn't stop from riding] Um…I think we're supposed to get off "here"!
- Krusty: They were kids, and we gave them candy if they laughed! And if they didn't, until the 70s, I hit them with a stick! Some jerk tacked down the kids and made a documentary. It's called "Circus of Shame" or something.
- Annie: I was so mad at him, I didn't have sex with a clown for five months!
- Homer: What about mimes?
- Annie: Come on, I'm not made of stone.
- Krusty: They took my dressing room, my parking space, even my writer, so I don't have a funny third item.
- Marge: No more TV! We're going to get some fresh air and visit a museum. Of television!
- Bart: People also lover a quitter. Sarah Palin. The Beatles.
- Annie Dubinksy: If you ever hear a star's name and wonder, is he dead? The answer is either "I represent him" or "yes."
- Krusty: And all the movies are over a year old. It's like those parodies were written when the movies came out, but it took so long to animate them that we look dated and hackey.
- [The Simpsons have just finished the Thanksgiving dinner]
- Homer: I'll never eat turkey again. Marge, we got any ham?!
- Abe: [wearing an elf hat and having some mashed potato on his face in the shape of a beard] I'm Santa?! Oh, now I'll never die.
- Bart: Can we just send out a picture of the pets as reindeers?
- Marge: We tried that last year.
- [camera pans to a photo of Santa's Little Helper and Snowball V with toy reindeer horns attacking Homer]
- Homer: D'oh!
- Bart: Who cares what we look like in whatever stupid year this is?
- Marge: You'll understand one day, when you have kids of your own.
- Lisa: Umm, who say's we're gonna have kids of our own?
- Bart: Not me, man! This cycle of jerks has to end!
- Milhouse: I can't believe we put a man on the Sun, but we can't stop my sneezing.
- Lisa: How did my daughter turn into my brother?
- Milhouse: Don't blame me. When we had her, they used only the best genetic material - which meant none of mine.
- Milhouse: Why don't you take Zia to your parents for Christmas, while I nurse my allergies in one of the non-Christmas celebrating states?
- Lisa: You could go back to Michigan. It's still under Sharia law.
- Milhouse: Yeah, but they always make me wear a veil.
- Homer: Oh, Marge. How would you like some future sex?
- Marge: Why do you say future? This is now.
- Homer: I meant a week from tomorrow. That's when the new penis gets here.
- Bart: Oh man. I can't believe they still haven't figured out a way to de-tangle Christmas lights.
- elder son: Mom's boyfriend is good at de-tangling them.
- Bart: [mockingly] Well, maybe mom should marry him!
- elder son: She did!
- younger son: We weren't supposed to tell you.
- [Homer comes in with a top hat, a scarf, a smoking pipe, and a carrot]
- elder son: Hey, grampa, are you gonna build a snowman?
- Homer: No, I just like to dress up to eat my carrots and smoke.
- Lisa: Want to go to a concert tonight? 68% of the original Cher is playing.
- Lisa: Sometimes I wish strangling your kid was still legal.
- Marge: Not since they passed Homer's law.
- Lisa: My daughter thinks I'm a ruthless tyrant, like Hitler or Prince Harry.
- Homer: [chuckles] Bloody Harry. He brought back beheading in a big way.
- [Bart and Lisa are drinking wine in the Simpsons's treehouse, and are a bit drunk]
- Lisa: Should I've married Nelson? 'Cause we still talk on the phone.
- Bart: Nelson calls you?
- Lisa: Well, someone calls someone.
- Bart: The boys think I'm a lousy father.
- Lisa: Oh, poor Bart. My daughter thinks I'm a lousy mother.
- Bart: [laughs gleefully, but stops quickly] Sorry.
- Lisa: Meh, it's okay. But you know who took her side? [mockingly] Marge Bouvier Simpson.
- Bart: [scoffs] What did she do?
- Lisa: She told me to relax and bake cookies.
- Bart: Did you bake any?
- Lisa: Yes I did, and they were some of the best cookies ever made in this house, but that is not the point!
- Bart: Where's dad?
- Lisa: He took the boys out.
- Bart: How can he be such a cool grandfather when he's such a lousy father?
- Marge: People learn from their mistakes, and your father made so many mistakes.
- Lisa: Oh, Martin Prince is now Marcia Princess.
- Lisa: Google, even though you've enslaved half the world, you're still a damn fine search engine.
- [Lisa sees the posters of women from Joan of Arc to Empress Zinzam on the wall of Zia's Ultranet room. The last poster features Lisa; she gasps in joy]
- Zia: Mom? Why are you here?
- Lisa: I was worried. I thought I would find-
- Zia: What? Me flashing my boobs on Unripemelons.com?
- Lisa: What? No! It doesn't matter what I thought. I'm sorry I spied on you. But what I found, is, my daughter looks up to me!
- Zia: Well, of course I do! I look up to both my parents!
- [a hologram of Milhouse wearing a burqa appears]
- Milhouse: Could somebody FedEx me a prayer mat? And quick!
- [the hologram disappears; Zia turns back to Lisa]
- Zia: But I especially look up to you.
- [Lisa and Zia embrace. A door opens behind Zia, revealing a disco room full of partying people. An embarrassed Zia slams the door shut and keeps on embracing]
- Bart: Boys, I've acted like a ten-year-old for the last 30 years, and I swear to you, I will grow up and act like a 20-year-old, the way a divorced 40-year-old should.
- Bart's younger son: You're gonna have to do better than that.
- Bart: Boys, I'm a deadbeat dad, I live in a school, it's Christmas. The only thing worth anything in my life is you.
- Bart's elder son: Oh, Dad.
- Bart's younger son: You've taught us the meaning of Christmas. Which schools are forbidden to tell us anymore.
- [Bart hugs his sons]
- Homer: Is it snowing down here?
- Wiseguy: No, one of the freezers is busted.
- Homer: [touched the boys have forgiven Bart] If those boys can forgive their train wreck of a father, maybe I can forgive... [de-freezes grampa]
- Grampa: You quit drinking like a coward, the one thing you were good at——
- [Homer re-freezes Abe and then de-freezes him]
- Grampa: Lawn chair-breaking——
- [Homer re-freezes Abe and then de-freezes him]
- Grampa: Hair-losing——
- [Homer re-freezes Abe and then de-freezes him]
- Grampa: Marge-loving——
- [Homer re-freezes Abe and then de-freezes him]
- Grampa: Barometer dropping——
- [Homer re-freezes Abe and then de-freezes him]
- Grampa: Father freezing——
- [Homer re-freezes Abe and then de-freezes him]
- Grampa: But you'd always come and get me when I wandered out on the freeway. Because deep down you couldn't stand to see me smooshed.
- [Homer and Abe reconcile]
- Lenny: When a guy who loves America cries, it makes him super straight.
- Apu: The hot dogs spin counter clockwise in fear when you arrive.
- Homer: They know I'm doing a character. Like Stephen Colbert or Newt Gingrich.
- Bart: Hey, no one's shotgun! Now, be quiet!
- Homer: Do you really need all these Kurt Vonnegut novels?
- Lisa: They self-reference each other!
- Homer: [offscreen during credits] When's our next game? Are we going to New York, or-- [The Gracie Films logo appears.] Oh.
- Grampa: And I created an alcoholic hippo.
- Homer: You never showed it to me!
- Grampa: A stupid alcoholic hippo!
- Homer: I still want to see it!
- Grampa: There is no hippo!
- Homer: Then why did you say that?
- Grampa: 'Cause you're the hippo!
- Homer: Are you just saying that because you don't want me to see the hippo?
- Grampa: I don't have a hippo!
- Mapple Salesperson: The lightest, most desirable computer in the world, for the next three weeks - the Mapple Void.
- Homer: I'll take it, provided you charge me for services that Google offers for free.
- Mapple Salesperson: We already have!
- Homer: Sweet.
- Lisa: I have a thousand friends! And only eight of them are Milhouse!
- Homer: Man, this website makes talking drunk to my wife so much safer.
- Lenny: Uh-oh. Doctor Hibbert keeps liking Bumblebee Man's posts. That's how it starts.
- Homer: [growls] Down in front! Ohhhh…dammit! Why do kids have heads?
- Comic Book Guy: [after the data is comprised and it's down] Time to get a life.
- Bart: From now on, I'll dominate you in ways you don't realize.
- Comic Book Guy: Worst climbing Everest!
- Bart: I dump on you, and you take it. That's how friendship works.
- Homer: Marguerite, I leave to fight in Flanders. Stupid Flanders!
- Luigi: Now that's a spicy meet-cube!
- Homer: We show girls love on Valentine's Day, and they let us blow things up on the Fourth of July. I just pray they never fall on the same day.
- Bart: Luckily, she doesn't know that our viewing platforms are... multi.
- Carl: I'll have you know I'm also a hair donor. Salma Hayek wore me to the Oscars.
- Homer: [to Maggie] Let her slice off the tip of your ear and she'll go right to sleep.
- Carl: No.
- Homer: That's not a choice you get to make.
- Homer: Ohh, I always thought tarred and feathered was just a figure of speech. Good luck patching pot holes and stuffing pillows now!
- Lisa: I pick up books like you pick up beers!
- Homer: Then you have a serious reading problem.
- Homer: Sorry, Dad. I was afraid of the dragon wouldn't cough the moon back up.
- Grampa: You idgit! Dragon always coughs the moon back up.
- Marge: Don't even bother shooting us. We found a new place we love. It may not have indoor plumbing, but it has something else we treasure more.
- Homer: Yeah, non jerks!
- [The crowd gasps as Quimby and Wiggum realizes they were unfair to the Simpsons.]
- Marge: In our new community people accept each other for who they are. I thought I wanted to come back to my house, but instead I'm going back to my Home!
- Bart: It's time to start your annual mad dash around town to get her a present that's not completely insulting.
- Marge: [holding a cigarette] You sell cigarettes to kids.
- Marge: Every vandalism spree needs an obnoxious laughter.
- Homer: For once, the Indian has been outsourced.
- Apu: Convenience forever, freshness never!
- Homer: Finally, a supermarket with a clear premise - island something.
- Bart: It's like going to Hawaii without all the murderous locals.
- Charles Montgomery Burns: ..now, if I can get my $3,000,000 dollars back?
- Ron English: No refunds [points at no refunds sign]
- Waylon Smithers, Jr.: But he just said that the show was a sham.
- Ron English: Oh, it is, and I'm just a guy sitting at a table. The only thing that's real, is a sign that says "no refunds".
- Homer: Attention, lovers of free office supplies - come and steal things you can easily afford!
- Homer: [on the uralarm] Now that's what I call looking out for a number one.
- Homer: Lighten up, Marge. I take you to the Disneyland of me and you just want to go to the lost and found.
- Dream Apu: Homer, you do not yet understand the meaning of karma.
- Homer: But isn't karma just an expression of the dhrama?
- Dream Apu: That is beside the point, okay?
- Millhouse: My heart makes up for my shortcomings, like Rudy!
- Robot: Rudy was only put in at the end of a meaningless game. We will notify you if this game comes meaningless.
- Homer: What happened to you guys? You used to be cool.
- Robot: We are the same temperature. We have always been.
- Homer: I'm all alone, and when there's some problem due to a human error, guess who's to blame?
- Barney: If we've learned anything from The Full Monty, it's that, in a tough economy, ugly people strip for money.
- Bart: (after Maggie offers him her pacifier): Sorry kid, but there comes a day when that just doesn't do anything anymore.
- Bart: Mom! Dad! I woke up and the money jar was full! That means the devil accepted my bargain. Now, to uphold my end of the deal! Snowball II!
- Marge: (Puts her hand on his shoulder) No!
- Lisa: Choke on my numb blue hands.
- Marge: But where does the ship stop again?
- Homer: I don't know. A lot of barefoot kids kicking soccer balls, shell necklaces, they really hit the poverty nicely.
- Lisa: (as she's being welcomed into the Kid Zone Elite) It's so diverse. I've died and gone to a PBS kids' show.
- Homer: (after finding Bart's room empty) Bart's been Raptured and his crap's been craptured.
- Homer: Thanks to you, we're having fun, before we-had-kids fun.
- Homer: Cleatus the football game robot, you're my only hope.
- Homer: And now because it's after noon, I can go to Moe's without having a "drinking problem."
- Lenny: Hey, Homer. I could hear your pathetic rationalizing through the door.
- Marge: This date night was even worse than the date night we saw Date Night.
- Marge: Homer, I'm a single mother, trying to raise a family here.
- Homer: But you're not-
- Marge: Just zip it.
- Lenny: Trouble in paradise?
- Homer: No, my marriage.
- Homer: Now that's what I call a snappy retort.
- Marge: Stop saying what you call things! I'm trying to watch the movie.
- Ned: Well, sir. Now we'll have an open marriage.
- Edna: Um, you do know what that means?
- Ned: No, but I'm sure Newt Gingrich wouldn't steer us wrong.
- Homer: Mmmm...historically inaccurate.
- Homer: People here do not respect boundaries.
- Ned: Homer, did you just buckle your belt through my loop?
- Sea Captain: I'm married to the sea, and I'm seeing two of the great lakes on the side. I won't say which ones but it's ERIE how SUPERIOR they are.
- Moe: And that's that. Another story in the classic infallible three-act structure. Good enough for Aristotle, good enough for The Simpsons.
- Lisa: Mr. Szyslak, I have a feeling there's going to be one more act to this story.
- Moe: Well I'm not hanging around for that. Pfftt. Four acts.
- Gaga dancers: [chanting] There is no over the top, there is no over the top.
- Gaga: Never forget, you're all my little monsters.
- Moe: Actually, I'm half monster, half Armenian. Pick your poison.
- Nelson: Lisa, what you did is like my mother sticking ten bucks in her own g-string.
- Homer: I cheat on my diet, but nobody knows cause the damage is on the inside and the first warning sign is sudden death.
- Principal Skinner: Well, Lady Gaga couldn't arrive soon enough for one Lisa Simpson. Now let's turn to the ever-unpopular "Popularity Awards," the awards voted by students, in judgment of their peers. No way that can go wrong. First up, Campus Clown. [opens the envelope to reveal purple water covering his face] Bart Simpson!
- [Bart Simpson gasps in surprise, and kisses Lisa. Then Bart Simpsons wallows in tightrope.]
- Bart: Without awards show, how would I know what movie has the best beheading or that Glee is a comedy?
- Wiggum: [on Ralph] Ah, he's a dumb kid, but he's an above average dog. Roll over, son!
- Homer: [accidentally climbing the real tree] Oh, I'm on the wrong tree!
