The Simpsons/Season 19

season of television series

The Simpsons: Seasons: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 | Movie Crank calls

The Simpsons (1989–present) is an American animated sitcom broadcast by the Fox Broadcasting Company created by Matt Groening. The series is a satirical depiction of American life, epitomized by the Simpson family.

Mr. Burns: Now let's enjoy the Miami of Canada -- Chicago!

Colby: Okay Homer, I don't know anything about planes, but I know about you. You have what made America great: no understanding of the limits of your power and a complete lack of concern for what anyone thinks of you. So you'll land that plane. And do you know why? Because I heard some guy say you couldn't.
Homer: What! I'll show him. I'll show that guy!

Marge: What are you doing? You don't know how to fly a plane!
Homer: I once drove a car off a cliff. How hard can it be? Hmm..., what's the ocean doing in the sky?
Homer: That church service was so boring! I did a whole book of find-a-words.
Lisa: Dad, all you circled were the I's and A's.
Homer: Those are words.

(In the dressing room, after Homer's first opera performance)

Bart: Dad, you were great!
Lisa: And you contributed to our culture!
Homer: (worried) Well, I didn't mean to.
Lisa: No, no, it's a good thing.
Homer: Oh, good. This makes up for me showing up drunk to the father-daughter dance.
Lisa: The dance isn't 'til next week.
Homer: Sorry, Lisa. Can't change the future.

Dr. Hibbert: Homer, you have a mild back sprain. And you also ingested a dangerous quantity of grave dirt.
Homer: Well, you're always telling me that I should eat more dirt.
Dr. Hibbert: Not dirt, vegetables!
Homer: ...Which grow in what?

Homer: D'oh, d'oh, d'oh, d'oh, d'oh, d'oh, d'oh. Woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo. Stu-stu-stu-stupid Flanders.
Ned Flanders: Why the crescendo, my old friendo.
Homer: Get lost, you waste of mustache!
Ned Flanders: Okey dokley.

[He sings at crying when Mimi pulled off the bed, dead]

Homer: Mimi!!!!

[cries again]

Homer: Mimi!!!

[cries again and it ends]

Homer: When you married a man who would years later, without warning, become a tow-truck driver, you knew what the deal would eventually be.

Lisa: There must be a website that can help you deal with a clingy baby.
Marge: Oh, I don’t want to bother the internet with my problem.
Bart: Aw, come on, Mom. We’ll help you surf.
(Marge sits down at the computer, grabs the mouse and starts clicking away)
Bart: Click that one, Mom.
Lisa: No, go up.
Bart: Keep going--up, up, up!
Lisa: The blue ones are ads.
Bart: That’s the toolbar.
Lisa: No you’ve opened Word; close it!
Bart: Close it. Do-don’t save it!
Lisa: Stop clicking.
Bart: Don’t go there!
Lisa: Why are you buying a freezer?!
Bart: Don’t click the cart or you’ve bought it!
Lisa: Aw, you clicked the cart!
Marge: (Upset) If you’re so smart, you do it!
(Bart pushes one button and finds a baby website)
Marge: (Groans)

Homer: When you call in sick, who do you call?
Louie: I don't call in sick, I work when I wanna.
Homer: Sometimes you want to work?

(Homer decides to become a tow truck driver)
Louie: Now just remember two rules. One, stick to Springfield. If I ever catch you on my turf, I’ll rip off your head, then I'll vomit down your neck, pull out your heart, show it to your head, and shove ‘em both down your neck hole, to which I previously alluded.
(Homer tries to jot everything down)
Homer: (Mumbling) "...which I previously alluded." Are there two "L’s" in "alluded"?

Homer: (Chuckles) I guess I'm more powerful than God now.
Ned: You know what they say: "With great power comes great responsibility."
Homer: Who said that?! I'll kill them with my power!

(The parking situation has regressed to pandemonium in Homer's absence)
(The Duff blimp lands in a school zone that forbids parking)
Captain McCallister (illegally parked in his boat across from the blimp): Avast, ye sky whale! (He fires his harpoon gun at the blimp, causing it to rapidly deflate) Hooooo-har-har-haaargh!

Marge: Bart, I'm starting to worry about your father.
Bart: Well, I know he seems to get dumber every year, but lately he's plateaued.
Homer: Oh, my God multiple parking tickets, handicapped spot, parked by a hydrant, incomprehensible vanity plate. If my life as a tow truck driver was a teleplay, this would be the end of act 2.
Louie: I thought I told you to stay off my turf.
Homer: What? I'm still in Springfield. Wha...?! Okay, I made a mistake. Why don't you give me two demerit points in a point system we work out right now? Put me down, you lousy-- Okay, I'm warning you--I'll kill you, you son of a bitch--All right buddy, that's it, I've had-- You... let go! All right, Just... let... go. Oh, a trap door. What's down there? Your Meatball collection?
Louie: Goodbye
Homer: I thought we were friends! I was kidding you in a friendly fashion!
Marge: Homer, you cannot miss Lisa's big day. And you have to come sober!
Homer: American sober or Irish sober?
Marge: .08 sober!
Homer: .15.
Marge: .09!
Homer: .10 with a stomach full of bread. My final offer.
Marge: (groans) Deal.

(Dwight's partner is knocked out through one of the bank's windows.)
Lou: Uh, Chief, looks like we got a 64-G in progress.
Chief Wiggum: (Chews his doughnut once slowly.)
Lou: Armed robbery with a gun.
Chief Wiggum: (Stares cluelessly.)
Lou: (Sighs.) (Draws stick figures of a bank robbery.) Come on, Chief, you know this.
Chief Wiggum: Oh, a shooty-stealy.
(Eddie and Lou look at each other, then roll their eyes in disbelief.)
(Marge opens oven.)
Homer: Crème brûlée! Crème brûlée! Or, in English: Burnt cream! Burnt cream!

Marge: Homie, I made you my killer lasagna.
Homer's Brain: It's poisoned! Whatever you do, don't eat it!
(The camera pans down revealing Homer is eating it.)
Homer's Brain: Okay, you're already eating it. Just don't finish it!
(Homer finishes the lasagna.)
Homer's Brain: Okay, you finished it. But don't ask for--
Homer: Seconds, please!
Homer's Brain: You moron! Just kill her!
Homer: (to brain) I'll kill her after dessert!

Marge: All those nights I thought you were out getting drunk, you were out killing people?!
Homer: I was out getting drunk, then killing people!

Homer: (holding out a pillow) No one likes a know-it-all. (stuffs a pillow in Kodos' mouth)

(Homer prepares to assassinate Kent Brockman using a sniper rifle.)
Homer: Now all I have to do is think of a clever line before I pull the trigger. (Thinks.) Oh, that’s a perfect one. But I don’t need to say it out loud ‘cause I’m by myself.
Lisa: Spider Burps!
Bart: Milhouse, what are you doing here? I thought you had a three-0-clock wedgie with Nelson.
Milhouse: I had to reschedule.

(Milhouse's parents are lost at sea.)
Homer: Here, Millhouse, why don't you cheer up with a glass of Ocean Spray. (catches himself) Oh boy forget that. How about some Cap'n Crunch? (catches himself) Seven Seas Italian Dressing? Oh no no no. Uhh... Chicken of the Sea tuna? Ahh. Billy Ocean CD? The History of Atlantic Records?
Marge: Stop naming things!!!
Homer: I want to but I can't.
Marge: Then go to Moe's.
Homer: Good idea. I'll drown my sorrows in Anchor Steam Beer. (Looks at Milhouse) Oh ho ho I'm sorry. (Covers his mouth and leaves)

Homer: Bart, stop talking to yourself. That'll show him. Now, how am I going to find out what color Marge's eyes are?

[Homer is searching for his wedding album]
Homer: Where is it? I gotta find out what color Marge's eyes are. Ah! Cha-ching!
[He goes to open the album only to find it has a combination lock, and is shut tight]
Homer: Ohh! Oh, Marge darling... What's the combination to our wedding album?
Marge: Our anniversary.
Homer: [Pauses] D'oh!
Milo: These books are meant to be read and enjoyed, not hoarded and then sold when you get divorced.

Homer: We're gonna be rich! We can finally start a family.
Marge: We have a family.
Homer: A better one!

Bart Simpson: Alan Moore, you wrote my favourite issues of Radioactive Man!
Alan Moore: Oh really? So you liked that I made your favourite superhero a heroin-addicted jazz critic who's not radioactive?
Bart: I don't read the words, I just like when he punches people. How do you make his costume stick so close to his muscles?
Alan Moore: [groans]
Milhouse Van Houten: Mr. Moore, will you sign my DVD of Watchmen Babies? Which of the babies is your favourite?
Alan Moore: [furiously] You see what those bloody corporations do?! They take your ideas and they suck them! Suck them like leeches until they've gotten every last drop of the marrow from your bones!
Art Spiegelman: Hey teacup, why don't you chill out?
Alan Moore: [sighs] Very well. [starts reading a Little Lulu book and laughs] "Oh Little Lulu, I love you-lu just the same..." [sighs happily]
Marge: That's funny. There's nobody here.
Homer: More ribs for me!
Bart: There are no tables or chairs.
Homer: More ribs for me!
Lisa: And there's no sign of an oven, kitchen or food anywhere.
Homer: (uneasy) More ribs for me?
Suddenly, without warning, the doors and windows are locked up tight behind them.
Wes Doobner: Hello, Simpsons! (laughs evilly)
Homer: Finally, some service. Now listen, we want to sit under a cool state license plate; Michigan or better!
Wes Doobner: (Sideshow Bob's actual voice) Silence! You've all stumbled into my ingenious trap.
Lisa: That voice...(groans) I knew that commercial was a trick, specifically designed to lure our family here, and Wes Doobner's World Famous Family Style Rib Huts is actually an anagram!
Wes Doobner: Welcome to "Sideshow Bob's World Famous Family Style Return!" [rearranges the letters, then tears off his cowboy hat, wig and false moustache to reveal his true identity as Sideshow Bob]
Simpsons: AH! Sideshow Bob!

(The Simpsons are tied up. A laptop with a low battery is sitting atop boxes of TNT.)
Sideshow Bob: Let's not tarry. As Shakespeare said, "If it were done when 'tis done, then 'twere best it were done quickly." Power on! (He turns on the laptop and laughs maniacally.) This time, I've made no mistakes. (leaves)
Lisa: Actually, you made one. What Shakespeare really said was, "'Twere well it were done quickly."
Sideshow Bob: Yes, I'm sure you've studied the Immortal Bard extensively under your "Miss Hoover". (Leaves and shuts the door.)
Lisa: Macbeth, act one, scene seven. Look it up.
Sideshow Bob: (re-entering) I shall! (He takes the laptop.) Come on, Wikipedia, load, you unwieldy behemoth! (The laptop explodes.) Oh, dear, Sideshow Bob, "Hoist on his own petard".
Lisa: It's "hoist with his own petard".
Sideshow Bob: Oh, get a life.
Homer: Yet another new restaurant fails.

Bart: Bob's playing you all like saps! This man's a killer!
Sideshow Bob: Oh, how he accuses me, at my very own trial! I can take no more! I...I...I didn't want to use this, but you've left me no choice! (take out Nitroglycerin)
Chief Wiggim: Nitroglycerin?! Everybody panic! (people in the courtroom scream and scurry in terror)
Bart: Yoink! (he snatches the nitroglycerin out of Bob's hands) Foiled again, freak! (then he tosses it out the window)
Sideshow Bob: You don't understand! I...I...(groans as he begins to collapse onto the courtroom floor).

Kent Brockman: America has a tradition of turning outlaws into legends after their deaths: Billy the Kid, Bonnie and Clyde, Jesus Christ. Joining them now is Robert "Sideshow Bob" Terwilliger, whose funeral we're presenting with live shovel-to-shovel coverage.

Sideshow Bob: Before you die, perhaps you'd like to know how I engineered my ultimate revenge.
Homer: I'd like to know if Wes Doobner is aware of what you're doing in his restaurant!
Sideshow Bob: I'm Wes Doobner!
Homer: Mr. Doobner, I have a complaint: I work hard and when I go out with my family, I expect a certain level of basic--
Sideshow Bob: Shut up!

(At Sideshow Bob's trial.)
Sideshow Bob: Your Honor, I choose to represent myself. And let me say... I did try to kill the Simpsons. I truly did.
(The entire courtroom gasps in shock.)
Prosecutor: (to Homer and Marge) Okay, if he doesn't say "but" right now, we are home free.
Sideshow Bob: But--
Prosecutor: Damn!

Cecil: And it was my portrayal as the grieving brother that sealed the deal!
Sideshow Bob: [coldly] Yes, and Hamlet is all about Laertes!
Cecil: [annoyed] Will you please stop comparing me to Laertes!?
Sideshow Bob: If the doublet fits...
(Flashback sequence of Chief Wiggum coming into the house.)
Chief Wiggum: (to Homer) What's goin' on here, Simpson? Am I gonna need the zip strips?
Marge: Everything's fine, cupcakes and sprinkles.
Chief Wiggum: Oh, really? Then how did you get that? (Points to Marge's black-eye. Speaks to Homer:) What gives, Simpson? Givin' your wife an Irish kiss?
Homer: (off-screen) No, I swear!
Marge: It was my fault, I..... I walked into a door.
Chief Wiggum: Walked into a door? That is the lamest excuse I've ever... (Accidentally smacks into the door on his way out.) All right, door. You're comin' downtown. (Cuffs himself to the door.)

Homer: Anyone where your family is? Show me on Mapquest. (Santa's Little Helper snarls angrily with his own teeth.) Oh, fine! Google Maps.

(Homer is traveling through his mind with memory Bart and memory Lisa.)
Homer: I don't know if I should be showing this to you kids.
Memory Lisa: Relax, we're not really your kids. We're representations of them created in your mind.
Homer: Really? If I created all this, then that means I can have pizza whenever I want.
(Homer uses his mind to make a phone appear.)
Homer: (Picks up the phone.) Hello, I'd like an extra large pepperoni and mushrooms. (annoyed) 35 Minutes? (Homer angrily hangs up the phone.)

Homer: Dad, I can't remember what I did last night. Do have any idea?
Grampa: You come to me for help rememberin'? That's like asking your horse to do your taxes -which I did in 1998.
(Shows photo of horse using an adding machine.)

[Just as Homer accidentally destroys his own kiss memory like we did in "The Way We Weren't"]
Lisa: Dad, you just destroyed your first kiss!
Homer: Now who was it with?
Bart: Uh…Apu.
Homer: Right!
(On the phone)
Marge: I'm just really worried about your weight. Bart says that we got a call from NASA, and your gravity is pulling satellites out of their orbit.
Homer: Marge, that was a joke.
Marge: But it comes from a true place...

(After Homer suggests the town build a new fast-food district.)
Dr. Hibbert: To raise the money, we'll need a bond issue.
Lisa: But won't that shift a burden to your children?
Bart: No, you idiot. We just pay with another bond issue. (points to Maggie) Let her figure out someone to dump it on.
(Maggie looks over to the side and sees that there's nobody sitting next to her. She crosses her arms in annoyance.)

Lisa: Ralph can't be President! He's the dumbest person in the slowest reading group!
Homer: Lisa, being President is easy! You just point the Army and shoot!
Lisa: And Ralph is only eight years old! It says in the Constitution you have to be 35!
Bart: The Constitution? I'm pretty sure the PATRIOT Act killed it to ensure our freedoms.
Homer: (mockingly) Ooh, the PATRIOT Act is so terrible! The government might find out what library books I take out! What's next, finding out what operas I go to? (High-fives Bart.)

(An alarming amount of presidential hopefuls descend on the Simpson house when they see that the Simpsons haven't decided whom to vote for yet.)
Homer: If you haven't sprung from or aren't married to my loins, get the hell out of this house!
(All the candidates leave, except for someone hiding behind a plant.)
Homer: You too, Fred Thompson!
Fred Thompson: But I was in Die Hard.
Homer: (scoffs) Die Hard Two!
(The family is freezing by the fireplace.)
Marge: We wouldn't be in this trouble if you'd just paid the heating bill!
Homer: I thought global warming would take care of it! Al Gore can't do anything right!

Lisa: Mom, I didn't know you went to college.
Bart: Yeah. You've always said that after high school, Dad "blessed" you with the unplanned miracle of me.
Marge: Hey, parents are allowed to keep some secrets.
Homer: Like which kid's their favorite. (whispering) It's Lisa.

Homer: Things happened between your mother and me that we're not proud of. It was the middle of a wild decade known as the 1990s.
Bart: The 90s? Never heard of it.

Homer: You know, these Ikea foam futons do velcro together...
Marge: I'm sorry, I don't want to do that yet. I want to wait until I'm married, or at least really drunk.
Homer: I understand. We should follow the lead of today's celebrity rolemodels. (points out of the window at a sign saying "Sonic the Hedgehog says: Wait until marriage")

Homer: You applied to college? Why didn't you tell me?
Marge: I did tell you.
Homer: I thought you were telling me you wanted to apply yourself to making a collage! And as I recall, I was against it.

Comic Book Guy: And that is why The Lord of the Rings can never be filmed!

Marge: Did you know that every U.S. President has been a straight white man?
Homer: Even Walt Disney?

(The show comes back from a commercial break)
Bart: Mom, why did you stop talking for two and a half minutes?
Lisa: It seemed like twenty.

Homer: [sharing his and Marge's items into separate boxes] Okay, I'll keep the LPs, and you take the CDs, I'll take the typewriter, you take the computer, I'll take the Enron stock, you take the Microsoft stock, and...

Homer: [sighs] Seeing Marge always reminds me of Marge.

Homer: (narrating) I had finally realized every rock star's dream: Hating being famous.

Homer: He who is tired of Weird Al, is tired of life.

(Homer and Marge are wondering about what is going to happen after the 90s)
Homer: At least we know there'll never be a President worse than Bill Clinton. Imagine, lying in a deposition in a civil lawsuit. That's the worst sin a President can commit!
Marge: There will never be a worse President. Never.
Homer: Never.
Dogcatcher Willie: You strays are going straight to the pound where you'll be put to sleep... by my boring stories. And then you'll be killed!

Goofy: (after stepping out of the gas chamber at the dog pound) Gawrsh, this place is no picnic, but it sure beats working for Disney! A-hyuck! A-hyuck! A-hyuck!

Homer: Happy Valentine's Day, and shut your gob!
Bart: Who's the new meat in my seat?
Mrs. Krabappel: Bart, this is Donny. He's here at our school because he was kicked out of P.S. 132.
Donny: P.S., that school sucked.
[The children laugh.]
Mrs. Krabappel: Don't worry, Bart. Willie's bringing you something to sit on.
[Groundskeeper Willie brings in an old wooden desk with a toilet for a seat. Bart sits.]
Donny: Hey, Krabappel! Your name sounds like "crabapple". Did you go sour waiting for someone to pick you?
Mrs. Krabappel: [sighs] Pretty much.

Principal Skinner: When I catch the culprit, and I will, I'm gonna throw this away. [Holds up a book titled Public School Punishment Guidelines] And use this instead! [Holds up a book titled Catholic School Punishment Guidelines with a picture of a kid getting hung on a cross. The children gasp.]

Lisa: I never dreamed an American car designed in Germany, assembled in Mexico from parts made in Canada, could be so amazing.

(A rat skitters across a railing, in an homage to the final shot of The Departed. Ralph appears from within a garbage can)
Ralph: The rat symbolizes obviousness!
Homer: Oh boy, dinner time! The perfect break between work and drunk.

Kent Brockman: So Chief, what's your final word on the Prince boy?
Chief Wiggum: Hmm? Oh, dead. Definitely dead.
Lou: Uh, Chief, aren't we supposed to, uh, notify the family first?
Chief Wiggum: What do you think I'm doing right now? (Smiles at the camera.)

(Marge is suspicious of Homer, who is wearing a fedora hat and a trench coat.)
Marge: Homer, where are you going?
Homer: Work.
Marge: It's 4 o'clock on a Saturday.
Homer: I, uh, have to... count the atoms at the nuclear plant. Conservation of mass! It's the law!

Lisa: Bart, Martin could be seriously hurt or worse! We have to do something!
Bart: You're right. Let's watch TV.
Bart: I'm not a nerd. I'm a jock who's too cool for sports.

Apu: You have made a very powerless enemy.

Homer: Stop saying things, Bart. That's the TV's job.

Chazz Busby: I haven't seen crap like this since my Broadway show Crap Like This. Ran for five years.

Homer: Son, while your mother and little mother are out, I'm gonna let you in on a deep, dark family secret.
Bart: You have a drinking problem?
Homer: I said secret.

Homer: I can't believe you were smoking! Do you know that sturgeon general says you're not supposed to?
Lisa: A sturgeon is a fish.
Homer: And a very wise fish he is.
Homer: Bart, get me my suicide axe.
Marge: No suicide axe!
Homer: (loud whisper to Bart) Later.

Marge: I'm really worried about Lurleen.
Homer: Yeah, me too. Since her father re-abandoned her, she cut the word "pop" out of all our foods.
(Shows boxes that read ____ Tarts, Jiffy ___ ___ corn, ___eye's Chicken, ___pycock.)
(Bart pours a box of Rice Krispies, The cereal falls out of a cutout where Pop should be.)
Bart: You'd think living in a house of crazy people would be fun. It's actually really depressing.

Radio DJ: Here's a song that's rising faster than a rocket with a rocket up its butt!

Marge: [to Lurleen] If you ever come near Homer again, I'll strangle you with your own hair extensions. That's right, I know.
Bart: So Dean Martin would show up at the last minute and do everything in just one take?
Homer: That's right.
Bart: But Wikipedia said he was "passionate about rehearsal".
Homer: Don't you worry about Wikipedia. We'll change it when we get home. We'll change a lot of things.

Bart: Sorry Lis, I can't be a vegetarian, I love the taste of death!

Bart: You're in a better place now, Lou. And I'll always be proud that, for once in my life, I had a cow man.

Cletus: We always figured someday Mary would marry. That's why we called her "Mary." We name all our kids after what we thinks gonna happen to 'em. Ain't that right, Stabbed In Jail?
Stabbed In Jail: [whittling a stick] We'll see who stabs who.

Homer: Let this be a lesson to you, never form emotional attachments... also don't be a cow.
[Marge is trying to find a good movie at Sundance.]
Marge: Ooh! Regularsville! This might be the one for me!
[Marge goes inside the theater and sees, on screen, a man in a bra putting on makeup.]
Marge: [Shudders and immediately closes the door.] Okay. Ooh! Candyland! A great family game is now a great family movie!
[Marge goes inside and sees on the screen, two hippies about to drug themselves with heroin]
Marge: [Shudders and closes the door again.] I get it! Every title means the opposite of what it means! Then I guess I'll love...Chernobyl Graveyard!
[Marge goes in and immediately comes out.]
Marge: I didn't.

Principal Skinner: Well, if we can't get into Sundance, would you like to check out its alternative cousin, Slamdance?
Superintendent Chalmers: I'd rather die.

[In Lisa's movie premiere, Bart is laughing while throwing dishes on the floor]
Homer: You stupid kid! What if I walked in here barefoot?
Bart: You did, Dad.
[Homer realizes he stepped on some broken dishes in his bare feet. He screams in pain and strangles Bart in anger. Marge cleans up the broken dishes with a small broom.]
Lisa: [off-screen] Happy birthday, Mom.
Marge: [groans sadly] Thank you, dear.

Homer: I never wanted to be famous for being mean. I wanted to be famous for catching Santa Claus.
Homer: [Talking to his mother] You keep disappearing and reappearing and it's not funny. You're just like that show, Scrubs.

Mona: For Marge, I leave this handbag, made of nature's finest material, hemp.
Marge: [Sniffs the bag] Smells like concerts!

Homer: I don't even want your pie!
Mona: But you already ate the whole thing.
Homer: Well, I'm not going to digest it!
Award Show Presentator: We now come to our final award: Entertainer of the Year. An award so prestigious that it recently won the 'Award of the Year' Award at the 2007 Awardie Awards.

Sideshow Mel: [Narrating] Lisa didn't know it then, but she had just dipped her toe into the business of show! And it is a business, as you shall find out in about three seconds. Two... One...
[The show cuts to commercial.]

[At an auction for a "Kissing Lincolns Penny"]
Homer: Five dollars!
Mr. Burns: Five hundred.
Homer: Five dollars, cash.
Host: Sir, the promise of cash is not an endorsement. The current bid is $500. Going once, going twice--
Bart: Dad!
Homer: Five hundred-one!
Mr. Burns: Ten million.
Homer: Objection, Your Honor!

Sideshow Mel: Applause is an addiction, like heroin or checking your e-mail.