: Lisa, you like homework. Could you fill out this form for me? Homer
: Well, all right. If you'll listen to the poem I just wrote. Lisa
Homer: D'oh...! Oh, okay.
Lisa: "Meditations on Turning Eight", by Lisa Simpson. [reads] "I had a cat named Snowball. / She died, she died! / Mom said she was sleeping. / She lied, she lied! / Why oh why is my cat dead? / Couldn't that Chrysler hit me instead? / I had a hamster named Snuffy. / He died--"
Homer: [takes his form] No deal!
Doctor: Mrs. Simpson, I'm sorry, but your husband suffers from a persecution complex, extreme paranoia, and bladder hostility.
: Doctor, if you just talk to him for five minutes without mentioning our son Bart, you'd see how sane he is. Marge
Doctor: [shocked] You mean there really is a "Bart"? Good lord!
: Who would've guessed reading and writing would pay off? Homer
Faith Crowley: And here are your V.I.P. badges. These will get into place regular tourists never get to see!
Homer: Oh, miss! What does the "I" stand for?
Homer: Oh, okay. What about the "V"?
Homer: Miss, just one more qu...
Homer: Uh-huh. [pause] What does the "I" stand for again?
Homer: Stupid family going to stupid Flanders' stupid barbecue. What if they got back and I was dead from not eating? Then they'd be sorry. They'd say, "Oh no, why did we go to Flanders barbecue? Why did we leave Homer all alone without any food?" And I'd be laughing. Laughing from my grave. Heh heh heh.
: Mr. Burns [using a left-handed can opener] The worm has turned, has it not, my tin-plated friend? Look at you! You were once so proud. Now feel the wrath of the left hand of Burns!
: Pick a horse, kid. Shelbyville Downs, third race. Make it a good one. Tony
: Eat my shorts! Bart
Tony: Eat My Shorts? Ah, okay... [consults the racing form] Let's see... Wait a minute, you little punk! Eat My Shorts is in the fifth race! I said the third race!
Bart: Don't have a cow!
Tony: [to a fellow crony] Don't Have a Cow in the third, put a deuce on him.
Hutz: Lionel Hutz, court-appointed attorney. I'll be defending you on the charge of... Murder One! Wow! Even if I lose, I'll be famous!
: Uh, Mr. Burns, people are calling this a meltdown. Kent Brockman
: Mr. Burns [over the hotline] Oh, meltdown. It's one of these annoying buzzwords. We prefer to call it an unrequested fission surplus.
[As the meltdown countdown nears zero]
Smithers: Sir, there may never be another time to say... I love you, sir.
Mr. Burns: [sarcastically] Oh hot dog! Thank you for making my last few moments on earth socially awkward.
: Krusty [voice-over] My father was the most respected person in the Lower East Side of Springfield. People would come for miles around to ask his advice.
Young Jewish Man: Rebbe Krustofski, should I finish college?
: Yes. No one is poor, except he who lacks knowledge. Rabbi Krustofski
Jewish Woman: Rabbi, should I have another child?
Rabbi Krustofski: Yes. Another child would be a blessing on your house.
Jewish Man: Rabbi, should I buy a Chrysler?
Rabbi Krustofski: Could you rephrase that as an ethical question?
Jewish Man: Um... is it right to buy a Chrysler?
Rabbi Krustofski: Oh, yes! For great is the car with power steering and dyna-flow suspension.
[Lisa tries one last tack in convincing Rabbi Krustofski to reconcile with Krusty]
Lisa: Here you go, Bart. It's a long shot, but that's all I can do without learning Ancient Hebrew. [Bart looks at Lisa in expectation] Bart! I am not going to learn Ancient Hebrew!
[Mr. Burns transplants Homer's brain into a robot.]
: Smithers, hand me that ice-cream scoop. Mr. Burns
: Ice-cream scoop?! Smithers
Mr. Burns: Damn it, Smithers! This isn't rocket science, it's brain surgery! [removes Homer's brain, then puts it atop his own head.] Look at me, I'm Davy Crockett!
[Mr. Burns transplants Homer's brain back into his own head without anesthesia.]
: Ow. Ow! OW! Homer
Mr. Burns: Quit complaining! This way I don't have to waste money on morphine! Well Smithers, you were right, he was not dead. I guess I owe you a Coke after all. And as for you, you clinking, clattering cacophony of colligenous cog and camshifts, take that! [Mr. Burns kicks the robot, which tips and looms over him.]
Smithers: Run, sir!
[The robot lands on Mr. Burns, crushing him save for his head.]
Mr. Burns: Every bone in my body broken... vital organs leaking fluid... slight headache... loss of appetite...Smithers, I'm going to die.
Smithers: No sir! Is there anything I can do?
Mr. Burns: We have one chance. Go to my office. Second drawer...there is some ether...
[Homer awakens, then walks into bathroom to remind himself that it was only a nightmare. When he closes the medicine cabinet, he sees Mr. Burns' head grafted onto him.]
Mr. Burns: Perhaps you're wondering why you have two heads. Well my body was crushed, so my head was grafted onto your, shall we say, ample frame.
Homer: [hyperventilating] I didn't wake up! It's all a dream! It's just a dream!
Mr. Burns: Oh that's right! It's all a dream! Or is it? [laughs evilly]
[Screen fades to black as creepy music plays, then the scene resumes with the normal Simpsons music; looking like a canonical episode.]
Narrator: Next week, on "The Simpsons":
: Don't forget Dad, tonight my class is having an all-you-can-eat spaghetti dinner. Lisa
Mr. Burns: But Homer, tonight's our meeting for Queen Beatrix of the Netherlands.
Homer: D'oh! I hate having two heads!
[Lisa calls Homer on the phone.]
: Dad, I broke my last saxophone reed, and I need you to get me a new one. Lisa
: Uh, isn't this the kind of thing your mother's better at? Homer
Lisa: I called her. She's not home. I also tried Mr. Flanders, Aunt Patty, Aunt Selma, Dr. Hibbert, Reverend Lovejoy, and that nice man who caught the snake in our basement.
Homer: Wow, and after them, out of all the people in the world, you chose me.
: You know, Marge, that Bart is a little miracle – his winning smile, his button nose, his fat little stomach, his face alight with wholesome mischief. He reminds me of me before the weight of the world crushed my spirit. Homer
Homer's Brain: Don't you get it? You've got to use reverse psychology.
Homer: That sounds too complicated.
Homer's Brain: OK, don't use reverse psychology.
Homer: All right, I will!
[Moe has introduced Aerosmith to the crowd]
Steven Tyler: HELLLOOOOOOO, ST LOUIIIIIS!
Joe Perry: Um, that's Springfield, Steven.
Tyler: Oh, yeah, right. [to crowd] Are you ready to rock?
Tyler: I said, ARE YOU READY TO ROCK!!!???
Tyler: Hit it! [Band begins playing "Walk This Way"]
Moe: [lying in bed with female bartender] Now that's what I call a happy hour.
Collette: Oh, Morris, something troubles me...
Moe: Don't worry, baby, my mother won't be home for another twenty minutes—
Collette: No, I was thinking about Homer Simpson.
Moe: That's okay, I was just thinking about Sybil Danning.
Collette: I mean that you should sell your drink, and give half the money to Homer.
Collette: [stern] He's your friend, Moe, and you took advantage of him.
Moe: All right, all right, I'll split the money! Jeepers, Mary and Joseph, I sleep with a chick once, and it costs me half a million bananas!
Stockbroker: Homer, it's your stockbroker. Your stock in the powerplant just went up for the first time in 10 years.
: I own stock! Homer
Stockbroker: Yes, all the employees got some in exchange for waiving certain constitutional rights.
Horst: Attention workers, we have completed our evaluation of the plant. We regret to announce the following lay-offs, which I will read in alphabetical order... Simpson, Homer. That is all.
[As Marge does some accounting, Homer enters with his latest purchase.]
Homer: Marge, look at this! A baby monitor! [into the monitor] Baby to Marge. Baby to Marge. Waa! Waa! Over.
Marge: Homer, I don't know how we can afford all these things on your salary.
Homer: [looks out the window and sees the Power Plant] Hey, why don't I apply at the Nuclear Power Plant. I hear they pay pretty well!
Marge: I don't know. I heard radiation can make you sterile.
Homer: Pfft. Now you tell me!
[Homer runs into the delivery room after Marge has gone into labor.]
Homer: Marge! Marge, where's the baby?
: Patty [pointing to Marge's belly] Right where you left it!
Homer: Shut up!
Patty: [stands up and stares down Homer] Hey listen, fat boy!
Homer: [furious] NO, YOU LISTEN! This is my wife, and this is my kid, and I'm paying for this delivery, so if you wanna stay, you'd better show me some respect!
Marge: Homer, does this mean... ?
Homer: Starting tomorrow, I'm a nuclear technician.
: Dr. Hibbert [horrified] Good God!
[Sting leads a song for Timmy O'Toole]
: There's a hole in my heart, as deep as a well, Sting For that poor little boy who's stuck halfway to Hell...
: Though we can't get him out, we'll do the next best thing... Sideshow Mel
: We'll go on TV and sing, sing, sing! Rainier Wolfcastle
All: And we're sending our love down the well...
: ALL THE WAY DOWN!!! Krusty
All: We're sending our love down the well...
Krusty: DOWN THAT WELL!!!!
[Homer and Marge are on TV being interviewed by Kent Brockman.]
: So, it seems we've all been victims of a cruel hoax, masterminded by a 10-year old hooligan. The time has come for finger-pointing, and most of them are squarely aimed at the boy's parents. Kent Brockman
: It's not our fault! We didn't want the boy, he was an accident! Homer
: HOMER! Marge
Homer: Sorry. Uh... could you edit that last part out?
Brockman: Mr. Simpson, we're live, coast-to-coast.
[Homer just won another bet and is getting his latest winnings from Moe.]
: Hi, Moe. A beer... and A LOT OF BILLS! Homer
: Moe [laughs] OK! [under breath] ... ya lucky moron. [takes one of his shoes off, shakes shoe empty, dollar bills come out] Here ya go, Homer. A hundred thirty-five dollars.
Homer: I used to hate the smell of your smelly feet. [takes money, inhales deeply] Now, it's the smell of victory.
Moe: Ah, shut up.
[After Homer explains that he and Lisa can't climb up Mt. Springfield.]
: What about Daddy-Daughter Day? Lisa
Homer: Don't worry, the new football season is only seven months away.
Lisa: So that's it. You just wanted me to help you gamble. You never wanted to be with me at all!! [starts crying and goes to room]
: You're a Marge very selfish man.
: Bart [plays with a button that presses "Go to hell" three times.] Once again, great present, Dad!
Lisa, you'll sleep in my bed. Bart, you'll be sleeping with your Aunt Patty. Selma:
...In your bed? Bart:
Uh-huh. And just a warning: I'm told I snore. Patty: [chuckles. Bart and Lisa quickly grab each other's hands.] Oh! Divorce Court is on in five minutes! [sisters leave]
Bart: I'm scared, Lisa.
You think you know fear? Well, I've seen them naked! Lisa:
[Marge, having taken part in all the activities at Rancho Relaxo, watches the resort's infomercial on the TV.]
: Troy McClure [standing with a sunset in the background] By now, you've seen all Rancho Relaxo has to offer...
: Uh-huh. Marge
McClure: But remember: we can't tell you how to have a good time. You have to tell us! As I said to Dolores Montenegro in Calling All Quakers: Have it your way, baby! [Exits the picture via a hang glider]
Marge: [picks up phone] Hello, Room Service? I'd like a banana fudge sundae. With whipped cream! And some chocolate chip cheesecake. And a bottle of tequila!
[The Flanders family is sitting at the dinner table.]
: Todd, would you like some mixed vegetables? Maude
: Hell, no. Todd
[The rest of the Flanders all gasp.]
Maude: [annoyed] What did you say?
Todd: I said I don't want any damn vegetables.
: Alright, that's it, young man! No Bible stories for you tonight! Ned
[Todd runs upstairs crying.]
Maude: Weren't you a little hard on him?
Ned: Well, you knew I had a temper when you married me.
[Homer is still trying to build the doghouse when he accidentally hits his finger with his hammer.]
Homer: Oh... fudge! That's... broken. (steps on a nail) Fiddle-dee-dee! That will require a tetanus shot. I'm not going to swear... But I am going to KICK THIS DOGHOUSE DOWN!!!
[He starts screaming gibberish and kicking the doghouse. Marge and Lisa appear.]
Lisa: Dad, this is not a commentary on your skills, but we bought you a new doghouse.
Homer: Where'd you get the money?
Marge: Well, there was more than enough in the swear jar.
: And I say that England's greatest prime minister was Barney Gumble Lord Palmerston.
: Wade Boggs Pitt The Elder.
Barney: LORD PALMERSTON!!
Wade Boggs: [pokes Barney in the chest] PITT... THE... ELDER!!!
Barney: OKAY, YOU ASKED FOR IT, BOGGS! [punches Boggs out]
Moe: Yeah, that's showin' him, Barney! [dismissively] Pitt the Elder.
Barney: LORD PALMERSTON!!!!! [punches Moe out]
[While lamenting the loss of the other MLB players, Mr. Burns sees Don Mattingly, who has shaved off his "sideburns" (and most of the rest of his hair).]
Mr. Burns: [gasps and confronts him] Mattingly! I thought I told you to trim those sideburns! Go home! You're off the team! FOR GOOD!!
Don Mattingly: Fine. [mutters to himself as he walks away] I still like him better than Steinbrenner.
: Seymour, I'll bet you a steak dinner those books are still here. All we have to do is search every locker. Bart
: Oh, Bart, I'm not sure random locker searches are permitted by the Supreme Court. Principal Skinner
Bart: Pfft! Supreme Court. What have they done for us lately?
Principal Skinner: Let's move.
[Lisa is sent to Skinner's office for disciplinary action in her telling off Miss Hoover. She has a toothpick in her mouth.]
Principal Skinner: I've never seen such a good student take a tumble. Lisa, what are you rebelling against anyway?
Lisa: Whaddya got?! [Skinner is aghast at her, horrified that she had become a sulkier, rebellious version of Bart]
: Homer [at Mr. Burns' desk] Uh, Mr. Burns? I need to borrow some money.
: Oh, please. Do go on. Mr. Burns [about to press security button under desk]
Homer: I know you're a good man, [Burns pauses, takes hand away from button] but I have a dog that's very sick. [Burns presses button repeatedly]
Mr. Burns: [acting innocently] Oh, please. Continue.
Homer: I thought maybe you- [notices security guards] Oh. [being dragged out of Burns' office] Well, thanks for your time.
Mr. Burns: What makes a man endanger his job and... yes, even his life, by asking me for money?
: People like dogs, Mr. Burns. Smithers
Mr. Burns: Nonsense! Dogs are idiots. Think about it, Smithers: if I came into your house and started sniffing at your crotch and slobbering all over your face, what would you say?
Smithers: [pause] If you did it, Sir?
Mr. Burns: Exactly! You'd be fit to be tied! Dogs! [scoffs]
[The Veterinarian fails to resuscitate a hamster.]
Homer: Hey, you did the best you could.
Veterinarian: I love animals. I've spent my life saving them and they can never thank me. Well, the parrots can.
: I can't get your song out of my mind. I haven't felt this way since "Funkytown!" Can I get a copy? Homer
Lurleen: [pointing to her noggin] Sorry, Homer. All my songs are up here: "I'm Basting a Turkey With my Tears," "Don't Look Up my Dress Unless You Mean It," "I'm Sick of Your Lying Lips and False Teeth..."
[Lurleen records a new song]
Lurleen: Oh the bases were empty on the diamond of my heart,
When the coach called me up to the plate,
I'd been swingin', and missin', at lovin' and kissin',
My average was point double oh eight.
So I spit on my hands, knocked the dirt from my spikes,
And pointed right towards center field,
This time I'm hitting a home run,
This time, love is for real.
I'll slide... I'll steal... I'll sacrifice
A lovin' fly for you,
I been slumping all season but now I found a reason,
I struck on a love that is true.
I used to play the field,
I used to be a roamer,
But the season's turning 'round for me now,
I finally bagged me a homer.
That's right, I finally bagged me a Homer.
Studio Manager: Um, Lurleen, we're gonna have to cut you off, we're getting some kind of grinding noise on the track. [cut to Marge grinding her teeth]
[After Bob wins an Emmy.]
: This is one more Emmy than Sideshow Bob you'll ever win, you bantering jack-in-the-box!
: Just don't drop that thing in the shower, Bob! Krusty
Sideshow Bob: No-talent shill!
Krusty: Second banana!
Sideshow Bob: Panderer!
[Bob is restrained by prison guards.]
: That MacGyver's a genius! Selma
Sideshow Bob: First of all, he's not a genius: he's an actor! And second, he's not much of an actor!
Selma: You're lying! YOU'RE LYING!
Sideshow Bob: No, Selma; this is lying. [sarcastically] That was a well-plotted piece of non-claptrap that never made me want to retch!
Selma: NO! [runs out, sobbing]
[Otto walks into the DMV and meets Patty, who holds a green pen in her right hand, and a red pen in the left]
Patty: Hello, my name's Patty. I'll be testing you. When you do well, I use the green pen. When you do bad, I use the red pen. Any questions?
Otto: Yeah, one: Have you always been a chick? I mean, I don't want to offend you, but, you were born a man, weren't you? You can tell me, I'm open minded.
Patty: [Drops green pen] I won't be needing this!
[Otto is struggling to open a door and is oblivious to the notice]
Sign: EVICTION NOTICE. You are ordered to vacate the premises immediately.
Otto: Hey, landlord! Some clown changed my locks, padlocked the door and put up an eviction notice.
Landlord: Yeah, that was me.
Otto: You? But why?
Landlord: Because you haven't paid your rent.
Otto: Well... can I at least get my stuff?
Landlord: All I found in there was a jar of mustard and a couple of old cycle magazines.
Otto looks astonished
Otto: Wow! I have mustard?
[about his Magic Eight Ball]
: You shake it up, and it tells the future! Milhouse
: Really? Will I pass my English test? Bart [shakes the ball] "Outlook Not So Good." Wow, it does work!
Milhouse: Let me try. Will I get beat up today? [shakes the ball] "All Signs Point To Yes."
: That ball knows everything. Nelson [bashes Milhouse on the head.]
: Dad, do you know what today is? Lisa
: The vernal equinox? Homer
Lisa: No! It's been two weeks since you got that tape. Let's get you on the scales! [Homer gets on the scales] You've gained thirteen pounds.
Homer: Disingenuous mountebanks with their subliminal chicanery! A pox on them!
[At the First Annual C. Montgomery Awards for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence show.]
Lisa: This show is the biggest farce I ever saw!
Bart: What about the Emmys?
Lisa: I stand corrected.
[Herb rings The Simpsons' doorbell.]
: Herb [to himself] What am I gonna say? This is the guy who ruined me. But on the other hand, he's family. So many conflicting emotions. How to express them?
[Homer opens the door.]
Homer: [surprised] Herb?
[Herb punches Homer in the face, steps over him and enters the house. Bart and Lisa see him.]
Bart and Lisa: Unky Herb!
Herb: [hugging them] Bart! Lisa! I'm so glad to see you!
Homer: [rubbing his cheek] You weren't so glad to see me...
Herb: I'm sorry, Homer, but I'm still mad at you. Every word you say makes me want to punch you in the face.
Homer: Well, while you're a guest in my home, could you just kick me in the butt?
Herb: I'll try, but I'm not making any promises.