The Simpsons/Season 15

season of television series

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The Simpsons (1989–present) is an American animated sitcom broadcast by the Fox Broadcasting Company created by Matt Groening. The series is a satirical depiction of American life, epitomized by the Simpson family.

[Death arrives at the Simpsons house]
Death: I...AM...DEATH.
Homer: Death? We don't want any. [Closes the door, Death breaks through it with his scythe]
Marge: Bart, run like the "wine-d"!
Lisa: Mom, it's "wind"!
Marge: Well, I only read it in books.

Homer: This is for Snowball I and J.F.K.! [Hits Death with a bowling ball. Death's jaw falls out as he falls to the floor and dies. His contract for Bart disappears as well as his scythe, which was holding Bart up]
Bart: Cool.
Lisa: Dad, do you realize what you've done? You've created a world without death!
Homer: Does this mean they'll never cancel The Jim Belushi Show?
Lisa: I guess so.

Young Frink Jr.: I don't wanna go on this oceanographic expedition, father. I get seasick taking a shower. Clean, but nauseous.
Professor Frink Sr.: Clean but nauseous! With the rolling and the heaving, and the - you make me sick! You've disgraced the name of John Nerdelbaum Frink.
Young Frink Jr.: But, father, I...
[Frink Sr. leaves and Frink Jr. cries]

Professor Frink Sr.: [after he is revived] So, what am I? Some kind of Tin-Can Man from Planet Tomorrow?
Lisa: Sir, your son has brought you back into the 21st century. It's a lot like the 20th, except everyone's afraid and the stock market is much lower.
Professor Frink Sr.: Polly don't like that cracker!

Professor Frink Jr.: Father, you're dying again, but I can bring you back to life, sir.
Professor Frink Sr.: Son, it doesn't take 5 brains in your head to know that's a bad idea. You saw I had become a monster and you stopped me, like a man. I'm proud of you. Now it's time for me to go to Hell. Ow-ooo, ooo-ow-oy, oy-oo-ow, dead. [moves weirdly and drops dead]
[Frink Jr. cries for his father's death; Jennifer Garner & Dudley Herschbach observe]
Jennifer Garner: This is the most exciting Nobel Prize ceremony ever!
Dudley Herschbach: I disagree.

Mayor Quimby: People, Springfield is in Crisis. Fingers have been shoved up Noses, Pants have been pulled down and (Click) Mayors (Click) have (Click) been (Click) Repeatedly (Click) Humiliated.
Homer: [to Mona] Look, Mom! Look! I'm riding by myself! [enters a wrong lane and screams]

Mr. Burns: [After he loses his case against Mona] Curse that groovy granny! This is America! Justice should favor the rich!

Mona Simpson: [After stealing the prison bus and being chased by police. She gets on the radio to Wiggum] Granny to The Man! Granny to The Man!
Chief Wiggum: [Reading from a Hippy/English dictionary] This is...The Man...I think it a gas...if you turned that...Magic Bus around...and kept on truckin' to...our pig pad.
Mona Simpson: I don't know what you're saying, but I am not turning back!

[On the bus taking Mona to jail, where the prisoners are having a good time]
Female Prisoner: I hope this bus ride never ends...'cause I'm getting executed when I get off.
Lisa: Nelson, you're running for school president?
Nelson: I'm not saying I have all the answers. But, I do have all the answer every test.
(A group of students and their teacher crowd around Nelson)
Nelson: Fractions, dinosaurs, foreign money, the first Thanksgiving...
Mrs. Krabappel: Nelson, what are you doing?
Nelson: Real-estate license exam?
Mrs. Krabappel: My ticket to freedom!

Marge: Lisa, what are you doing? This is the kind of trouble making I expect from your brother!
Bart: You do? Cool, a blank check for mayhem!
(Bart picks up a brick and throws it at a window; however, it ricochets off the unbreakable glass and hits him in the head, knocking him out)

Skinner: Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Wow, she even beat perennial write-in candidate "Seymour Sucks!"

Skinner: I'm so happy with my evil plan
Say goodbye to music, gym and art.
Soon we will have the perfect school
Where fun and excitement never start.
Willie: I'm so drunk I can barely see
But it helps me get through another day!
My stomach is filled with haggis and ham
I've got to go puke in some hay...
Bart: Lisa is a fool!
Skinner: I think the rules are cool.
Tony Blair: Hello. Welcome to the United Kingdom.
Lisa: Prime Minister Tony Blair?
Bart: Why are you greeting lowlifes like us at the airport?
Blair: Because I want to encourage all the world to come see the beauty of 21st century Britain.
Homer: Would an American dollar encourage you to leave us alone?
Blair: No, but thank you.
Marge: Tony, I mean, Mr. Prime Minister, what should we see first?
Blair: There's so much to see here. Parliament, Stratford-on-Avon, the White Cliffs of Dover, oh, and since you Americans love castles, there's a huge one in Edinburgh, the city where I was born.
Homer: The place where I was born is now a gator farm.
Blair: Smashing.
Lisa: Maybe you could give us a personal tour of your country?
Blair: I'd love to. But I'm late for an appointment. I'm greeting a lovely Dutch couple at Gate 23. Cheerio.
[puts on a jetpack and flies off, James Bond-style]
Homer: Wow, I can't believe we met Mr. Bean!

English Squeaky-Voiced Teen: Welcome to Judi Dench's Fish and Chips, (inside) now completely free of mad fish disease.
Homer: Fish? I dunno, I'm not really a vegetarian.
Teen: Please order, or Miss Dench'll be furious. She'll beat us, she will.
Dench: Who are you talking to?
English Squeaky-Voiced Teen: No-one, Mum, I swear!
Dench: I'll Mum you! (punches him)
Teen: Blimey--!

[The family spot J.K. Rowling emerging from a bookshop]
Lisa: Look, it's J.K. Rowling, author of the Harry Potter books. You've turned a generation of kids onto reading.
Rowling: Thank you, young Muggle.
Lisa: Can you tell me what happens at the end of the series?
Rowling: [sarcastically] He grows up and marries you. Is that what you want to hear?
Lisa: [happily] Yes...
[Rowling rolls her eyes and walks away]

Ian McKellen: We thespians believe it's bad luck to mention the name of this particular play out loud.
Homer: You mean MacBeth? (car splashes water onto Ian)
Ian: Quiet you blundering fool! You'll curse us all!
Homer: What, by saying MacBeth? (anvil falls on Ian's foot)
Ian: Stop saying it!
Homer: Saying what?
Ian: MacBeth! Uh! Now I've said it (Ian gets struck by lightning)
Bart: Oh, this is cool. MacBeth, MacBeth, MacBeth. (lightning strikes three times)
Marge: Bart! Stop saying MacBeth! (lightning strikes)
Lisa: Mom, you said MacBeth! (lightning strikes)
Homer: Mr. MacBeth, I'm so sorry! (lightning strikes)
Ian: That's quite alright, you didn't know. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a performance to give.
Bart: Good luck!
Ian: It's bad luck to say that too! (MacBeth sign falls on Ian's head)

Marge: That was very sweet of the Queen, letting you go in exchange for taking Madonna back to America.
Madonna: I'm telling you! I'm English!
Marge: English women don't pump gas naked.
Homer: See ya in Atlanta, jerk.
Homer: That's it kids, suckle daddy's sugar ball.

Bart: You're sneaking off to fight that bear, I wanna go too!
Homer: No way. If something happens to me, you have to carry on the Simpson name.
Bart: Screw that, when I grow up I'm legally changing my name to Joe Kickass!
Homer: That is so cool! Okay you can come.

Homer: Are you a Care Bear?
Care Bear: I'm an intensive care bear.
[A shot of a broken-down trailer. In front, a sign reads "FOX Network World Headquarters." Inside, Krusty the Clown has a meeting with Fox executives]
Krusty: Well, since I'm fresh out of options, I guess all that is left is for me to get a show on... ugh... Fox. What do you say?
Executive: I don't know...
Krusty: Oh, come on, you guys are famous for taking a chance on useless crap!

[Krusty is infuriated, because he doesn't have a star on the Jewish walk of fame]
Krusty: Why don′t I have a star?! I'm much better than... (squints) Chaim Potok?! What is he, a Klingon?!
Homer: Welcome to the Homer Simpson Show. I'm your host... next card... Homer Simpson. It's great to be here in... next card... Springfield.
Krusty The Clown: Now in the spirit of the holiday season, start shopping! And for every dollar of Krusty merchandise you buy, I will be nice to a sick kid. For legal purposes, "sick kids" may include hookers with a cold.
[Krusty chuckles]

[Homer is with Lenny and Carl at The Power Plant]
Carl: Hey, Homer. I'm your secret Santa. Merry Christmas, big guy.
[Lenny hands Homer a DVD player]
Homer: Oh, my god! A DVD player!
Carl: And the first season of Magnum P.I., with commentary by John Hillerman. Apparently, working in Hawaii was a pleasure.
Homer: Oh, Carl, you remembered I like TV.
Cletus: They destroyed my home, and the equity I built up there in.
Kent: Asked if he intends to take legal action the farmer replied "I aint fungdified hi-de-hoo about no legrification, no ways." Then scratched his rear, hitched up his pants, and scratched his rear again.

Marge Simpson: My name is Marge Simpson, and I am a mother.
Meeting Crowd: BOO!
Marge: I'm also an American.
Meeting Crowd: YAY!
Marge: I bake apple pies.
Meeting Crowd: YAY!
Marge: And I like baseball.
Meeting Crowd: BOO!

Lindsey Naegle: I dream of an America with nudity and F-words on network TV. Where the whole world doesn't stop because a school bus did. Children are the future… today belongs to me!
Meeting Crowd: [with their fists raised] YAY!
Homer Simpson: You can’t change the rules in the middle of the game! We never would've had these kids if we thought we had to pay for them. Promises were made!
Luigi: Hey, tough tortellini! I am a-sick and a-tired of printing a-children's menu! Let Mickey Meatball find his own way out of the maze! [spits] Apooey!
Mel: We're sick and tired of buying overpriced tickets for your lousy school plays!
Marge: Then how would we ever get to see Camelot?!
Mel: We'll merely watch the movie on tape!
Marge: Hmm..., is that better? Well, to me, Ralph Wiggum is Sir Lancelot.
Ralph: [singing] If ever I would leave you, it wouldn't be in summer!
Meeting Crowd: BOOOOOOOOOO!
Lindsey Naegle: Ladies and Gentlemen! Let's kill every child... FRIENDLY THING IN TOWN!!!!!!!!!!!
Meeting Crowd: [As they were dismissed to take actions] YAY!
Squeaky-voiced Teen: It's time to put away my childish things... [in a deep voice] ...and become a man!

Homer's Commercial: For more information, visit our website,, we're not affiliated, we're just piggy-backing on their message boards. [Attempts to hypnotize the audience with a moving photo of Rudy Giuliani] I am Rudy Giuliani, do as I command you! [Yes on 232 flashes quickly, but visibly] I am Rudy Giuliani, do as I command you!

Homer Simpson: Marge! Wait! [tries to hypnotize Marge with a moving photo of Rudy Giuliani] I am Rudy Giuliani, you must forgive Homer! I am Rudy Giuliani, you must forgive Homer!
Lisa: I'm keeping you! You're Snowball V, but to save money on a new dish, we'll just call you Snowball II and pretend this whole thing never happened.
Principal Skinner: That's really a cheat, isn't it?
Lisa: I guess you're right, Principal Tamzarian.
Principal Skinner: I'll just be moving along, Lisa. Snowball II.

Bart: I'm riding a unicycle with my pants down. This should be every boy's dream.

Homer Simpson: Hey, what gives? He's not killing me!
Professor Frink: Ah-I'll tell you what gives, I'm afraid he is subject to Issac Asimov's Laws of Robotics, with the Sci-Fi, and the so many Books, not too many Good, my Robot is programmed never to harm Humans, you see, only to serve them.
Flanders: Did you agree to be married to a drunken lout who wouldn't respect you?
Marge: Pretty much. We wrote our own vows.

Lisa: This is horrible! What if Dad reads it ("The Harpooned Heart")?
Bart: It's too long; he won't read it.
Lisa: Well, what if it gets made into a movie?
Bart: It's too sappy; he won't see it.
Lisa: Well, what if they do a parody about it on MADtv?
Bart: [gasps] We're doomed!

Homer: I'll have to read Marge's book, and I swore never to read again after To Kill a Mockingbird gave me no useful advice on killing mockingbirds. It did teach me not to judge a man based on the color of his skin, but what good does that do me?

[Homer is working at Boris' Car Loft as a sales rep, he is in the sales office with a couple]
Homer: You probably want to talk this over, so I'll leave you two "alone" [laughs maniacally] Excuse me. [Homer joins the manager in the adjacent room to spy on them]
Man: Well honey, what do you think?
Woman: Did that salesman cut one during the test drive?
Man: Yeah, and for some reason, he turned on the radio to cover up the smell!
Woman: Let's get out of here. I'm not shaking that guy's hand! [they leave, the manager glares at Homer]
Homer: They'll be back. [looks nervously and turns on radio, the manager then grimaces at Homer]
Ned Flanders/Sir Thomas More: (to Homer/Henry VIII) Divorce! Well, there's no such thing in the Cath-diddly-atholic Church! But it's the only church we got, so what are you gonna do?
Homer/Henry VIII: I'll start my own church!
Ned Flanders/Sir Thomas More: Whaaaaaaaa!?
Homer/Henry VIII: Yes, my own church. Where divorce will be so easy, more than half of all marriages will end in it!
Ned Flanders/Sir Thomas More: Your Majesty, I work for the Pope, and I think a celibate Italian weirdo knows a lot more about marriage than you.

Homer/Henry VIII: (as aides are slicing his crown and other royal items in half) No fair! I invented divorce! How come you get half of everything?
Pasty-Faced Lawyer: You should have invented the pre-nup. Now, one half of your kingdom, please.
[Homer/Henry VIII holds up of map of the British Isles. He rips it in half and gives the left part to Marge/Margerine of Aragon]
Marge/Margerine of Aragon: [groans] I get Ireland?
Homer/Henry VIII: Ha ha!

Animal House is a song by Homer:

All I know is the guy who played Mozart was also in Animal House. Now there's a movie with good music.
Animal House, House, House,
Nobody ever went to class.
Then we saw Donald Sutherland's ass.
Animal House, House, House,
Animal House, House, House,
Then the journey ends like American Graffiti,
Where you found out what happened to everyone...

William Clark/Carl: Alright, the Columbia River! Now we just ride this baby down to the Pacific and get some sweet mermaid sex!
Sacagawea/Lisa: For the last time, those are SALMON!
Groundskeeper Willie: It won't last. Brothers and sisters are natural enemies! Like Englishmen and Scots! Or Welshmen and Scots! Or Japanese and Scots! Or Scots and other Scots! Damn Scots! They ruined Scotland!
Principal Skinner: You Scots sure are a contentious people.
Willie: You just made an enemy for life!

Billboard Homer sees while driving: Diamonds... because money equals love.
[Bart heads into the bathroom, Homer comes out giggling.]
Homer: Wait 'til he puts his unsuspecting butt on that toilet seat. [He giggles again, while looking at "Squat-n-Squirt" box cover. A toilet flushing is heard.] Huh? Where the "ee-yow"?
Bart: [exits the bathroom] All yours, Homer.
Homer: But you didn't sit on the toilet.
Bart: I didn't have to-- I'm a dude.
Homer: [snatches Bart back to the bathroom, forces him to sit on toilet] Butt on bowl, little man!
Bart: [struggling to sit on toilet] Hey, my pants aren't down!
Homer: It doesn't matter!
[Bart gets through his legs and forces him on toilet, which it sprays water.]
Homer: Ee-yow! [sputters]
[Bart laughs at it.]
Homer: Why you little--! [strangles Bart] Joke's on me, isn't it?!
[Bart stucks the electric toothbrush up Homer's nose, makes him vibrate on inside. Then Homer grabs shower hose and sprays it in Bart's mouth. Then Bart grabs the toilet cleaning brush and brushes inside Homer's mouth, which makes him strangle him again. The shower hose flies with water still on hits things off.]
Marge: [offscreen] What's all that racket?!
Homer: [gasps] It's old lady Simpson! Run! [he and Bart runs out of the bathroom]
Lisa: [as she and Marge enters] What's going on?
Homer: Uh... I'll tell you what's going on. I'm taking you all out for pancakes!
[Marge, Bart and Lisa cheers]
Homer: Yeah!

Simon Cowell: Well look who's back.. Pippy Non-Talking.
Lisa: Just because Maggie can't talk doesn't mean she's dumb. Einstein didn't speak until he was three.
Marge: And even then he could only speak German!

Simon: Meet Maggie Simpson, IQ 167.
Philipa: 167? That's amazing for a Christian!
Lisa: [horrified] But, but my IQ is only 159! Maggie's more intelligent than me?
Simon: That's right, because 167 is a bigger number than 159. Do you see how that works?
Lisa: [annoyed] Yes, thank you.

[The family think they're about to die]
Bart: Mom, I've always loved you. Lisa, you were a worthy foe.

[Lisa comes to school dressed as a goth.]
Milhouse: What are you now, Lisa? An Oakland Raiders fan?
Lisa: It's called "Goth," eternally clueless one. My new name is "Raven Crow Neversmiles."
Milhouse: Cool. We could be Goth together. We'll got to the cemetery and summon the dark Lord by kissing and junk.
Lisa: Okay... but first you must apprentice, by kissing the Goddess Ironica. Who lives in this rock. Do it for an hour, hour and a half. [Lisa hands Milhouse a rock and leaves]
Milhouse: Yes, my mistress. [Milhouse kisses the rock]

Lisa: Lets try another one. A little harder.
[Lisa shows Maggie the word octogenarian. Maggie points at Grampa.]
Lisa: No, that's wrong.
[Maggie points at Santa's Little Helper.]
Lisa: [Sarcasticaly] That's right. This spells dog.
[Lisa gets caught in act]
Marge: [Angrily] Lisa ! You are purposefully teaching her the wrong words. Lisa, I'm surprised. Your sister just wants to learn and be like you. Well, maybe she needs a better role model.
[Homer makes phonic frog say, "I agree with your mother. You are a dissapointment to Huh, Oh, Muh, Eh, Er."]

[Lisa has ran away from home]
Marge: Lisa's gone, you have to find her!
Chief Wiggum: Why can't you just accept that Lisa is old enough to look after herself. Back off and let her live her life.
Marge: What!
Wiggum: Oh, I thought you said eighty. Well, we'll get right on it.
Artie: Doesn't your father ever read to you?
Lisa: He tried once, but he got confused and thought the book was real. He's still searching for that chocolate factory. It consumes him.

Homer: Refuse to answer on the grounds that I what?!?
Lawyer: (whispers to Homer)
Homer: Inseminate myself? (to the Senate committee while pointing at his lawyer) Dudes, I think this guy's coming onto me.
Lawyer: You, sir, are a moron!
Homer: A mormon? But I'm from Earth!

Marge: My husband's going to jail and it's all your fault! Do you know why no one likes you?
Artie: Anti-semitism?
Marge: No. Your problem is you never think of anyone besides yourself!
Artie: Marge! I think about a lot more than just moi. [In his thought bubble, a can-can kickline of Artie Ziffs appears]
Artie Ziff can-can dancers: Artie, Artie, Artie, Artie! Artie, Artie, Artie! Artie, Artie...
[Then a whole audience of Artie Ziffs, clapping to the music appears as well]
Artie Ziff audience: Ziff, Ziff, Ziff, Ziff, Ziff!
Artie: Oh... My... God. She's right.

Lisa: [As Artie is going to prison] I have to admit. I'll miss having him around.
Homer: [Chuckles] I don't think we've seen the last of Artie Ziff.
[Snake walks up to Artie]
Snake: Yo, hobbit! I'm, like, your roommate. [Blows cigarette smoke in Artie's face]
Artie: Oh, smoker, eh? Well, I have ways of dealing with you. [Pulls out a spray bottle, dousing Snake's cigarette] Squirt, squirt, squirt! Your lungs will thank me!
Marge: Kids, you better take your last look at Uncle Artie.
[Artie notices more prisoners smoking]
Artie: Oh, look! There's a whole bunch of you! [He douses their cigarettes, too] Squirt, squirt, squirt! [The other inmates get up and start circling around him] That's it! Circle around me! Squirt, squirt, squirt, squirt! Squirt, squirt, squirt! Oh, I'm gonna need more water!
[Homer is on the phone with the rehab clinic]
Bart: I can't talk to my wife for 28 days? Sir, she is not an alcoholic. You can't put me on hold, I'll put you on hold. [singing] I am a lineman for the county. [speaking] Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold. [singing] And I drive the main road. [speaking] There are...eight... calls ahead of you. [singing] And the Wichita lineman is still on the li-li-li-li-li-li-li-li-li-li-li-li-line.

Kent: [to himself as he smokes a cigarette] Oh god, I love to smoke. [realizing the camera is on] We're live at the latest opening of the epic space saga "Cosmic Wars". And, the nerds emerge from their basements wearing strange costumes to shield their pasty skin from the moonlight.
Marge: (sobbing) My baby boy is in jail. I'm the worst mom in the world.
Homer: It's not all your fault. All of these years I've watched you turn our son into a time bomb and yet I did nothing. a way, I too am a victim...of you.
(Marge continues sobbing)
Lisa: You're a great mom. You're always there for Bart with love and support. His acting out was caused by negative reinforcement! [They both glare at Homer]
Homer: Oh, I get it. Blame the strangler! Hmph! Hmph! Hmph!

Store Manager: Sir, some people want to use that dressing room!
Homer: [in the dressing room with his trousers down] Dressing room? Uh-oh...

Gina: [dancing chained to Bart] OK! Here's my rules. The inclusion is to no eye contact and I don't want to hear how pretty I look.
Bart: Don't worry, you won't. [Gina kicks him down] D'oh!

Mayor Quimby arrives at Bart's fake wedding with a young woman.

Quimby: Remember, if anyone asks, you're my niece from out of town.
Young Woman: I am your niece, Uncle Joe.
Quimby: [realizing] Good Lord! I'm an abomination!

Warden: So, why do you want to be a guard here?
Homer: I believe the children are the future... Unless we stop them now!
Warden: Welcome aboard. (Holds a nightstick) This ends for beating. This ends for holding.
Homer: When does training start?
Warden: It just finished.

Warden: Well my shift's over. I guess it's back to my bachelor apartment. Make a tuna sandwich. Turn on Will & Grace. And cry myself to sleep.
Marge: Hmmmm. Would you like to join us?
Warden: Didn't you hear me? I've got my evening planned!(He slams the door shut)
Groundskeeper Willie: [after accidentally driving over a red ball] Oh my God, I've shredded a child! AGAIN! [races to a nearby road, heading for the border] Venezuela, here I come!

[at Moe's]
Skinner: Homer, this bachelor party seems to have peaked. Could you please return my pants and/or underpants so I can go home?
Homer: Come on, it's your last night of freedom. You gotta have some fun!
Skinner: Who are all of you people?
Carl: We're your buddies! Now come on, Homer's kid's principal, have a beer.
Skinner: I can't; I might be called upon to give directions later.
Superintendent Chalmers: SKINNER! You were asked to chug-a-lug, and a-lug you shall chug!
Skinner: [chugs beer] There's something I've wanted to say to you for a long time! Am I a good principal?
Chalmers: You're the best we could get with the funds at our disposal.
[everyone cheers]

Homer: Why are you dressed as Catwoman?
Skinner: (Dressed like Catwoman à la Batman Returns) They told me it was Catman!

Marge: Passion is for teens and immigrants.
Moe: [emerging from "Adult Video section"] Oh yeah. Brideshead's gonna get revisited tonight, baby!

Bart Simpson: [Looking on an airline computer] So, Mom and Dad are going to Atlantic City [Types on the keyboard] but their luggage isn't. [laughs] And Homer's getting a low-fat meal.
[Camera cuts to a plane flying]
Homer: [From inside the plane] Nooooooo!!!!

Squeaky Voiced Teen: Oh, I'm sorry, sir. The computer says that the movie Chocolate Star Wars doesn't exist.
Homer: I say you don't exist!
Squeaky Voiced Teen: No, I'm right here under "staff."

[Homer and Marge bounce around in an inflatable house]

Homer: This must be what it's like to be in space!
Marge: You've been to space.
Homer: And yet, I have never been to me...
Host of Promiscuous Idiot's Island: Now, ladies, when you agreed to do this show, you were told you would be living with a millionaire on his private island. Well, I'm afraid we've misled you. (the women gasp)
Marge: (watching show) Get ready, skanks! Here comes the Truth Train!
Host: This isn't an island at all. It's a peninsula!
Woman 1: (walking away) This was supposed to be about trust!
Woman 2: (crying) I just want to get on that boat and go home!
Host: Well, you don't need a boat, because you can walk.
Bart: [Watching the show] What do those women expect? When you sign a contract with FOX, you know you're going to be betrayed and humiliated!
Homer: Quiet, the commercials are on! [Everyone looks at him] If we don't watch these, it's like we're stealing TV!

Homer: It's time to take him down a peg. Or should I say down a pie?
Lisa: No, I think the expression is peg.
Homer: Maybe you're right Lisa. Maybe you're pie. Pie be your pie.

Krusty: [Showing his place setting] Check it out! Dribble glass! Rubber knife! Whoopie salad! [stabs his fork into the salad, which makes a farting noise; chuckles] And finally, the break-away wine bottle! [hits the bottle hard on his head, but it doesn't break] ...did not arrive. [collapses with a groan onto table]

Homer: [Stabs a knife into the bullet wound on his arm] Let's see. Cartilage. Cartilage. Muscle. [Screams] NERVE! [Blood spurts out] Artery. Bullet! [Flicks the bullet out of his arm]

[After Bart as Cupcake Kid holds a time watch in the deleted scene, making Nelson spin around inside the teacup ride, the kids are watching. Bart pulls the lever to stop, Nelson flies off on one of the spinning teacups. The ride slows down in a few seconds.]

Bart: [holding a watch] A minute, and five seconds. That's a new record. Come on, let's go.

[A loud crashing sound is heard. Bart runs to Nelson, who looks ill.]

Bart: Oh, no. Nelson. Are you OK?
Nelson: No. I think I'm going to be sick.

Homer: [After revealing to Lisa that he's the Pie Man] Any-hoo, this has to be a surprise, eh? Mild-mannered Homer Simpson...
Lisa: You're not mild-mannered. You're often liquored up and rude.
Homer: (talking to an empty beer bottle) You never got a chance to become my urine!

Lisa: (working as the judge in "Simpson Family Court") Now up, the case of Simpson v. Simpson.
Homer: Mr. Simpson, do you think it's appropriate for a ten-year old boy to steal a beer with intent to kiss?
Bart: Do you think it was appropriate to bet against your son's little-league team?
Homer: Wh-? Permission to treat this witness as hostile? (takes out a baseball bat)

Young Lenny: Now, Homer, if you're gonna go, you better take some protection. (gives him a switchblade)
Young Homer: Whoo, a switchblade! (eyes it closely) I see the switch, but where's the blade? (camera moves out of the cottage, we hear the blade opening) OOOOWW!! Found it.

Homer: This is so confusing. (turns to "judge" Lisa) I'd like a brief recess.
Lisa: Granted. (brings the gavel down)
Homer: Whee! Recess! (runs out and goes swinging on a swing)

Bart: Let me get this straight: when you were my age, you had the hots for mom and didn't even know it? Oh, that's cool! Or is that lame? I guess I'll go with lame. You're lame!
Homer: Why? Because I only kissed one girl in my whole life? That's still one more than you.
Bart: I've kissed three girls.
Homer: (cries) I'm so lame!

Camp Land-a-man instructor: Excellent. Girls, see how Marge's legs are slanted? You make Jackie O look like a splay-legged milkhorse. Now stand and walk.
(girl Marge walks in an uncomfortable, "proper" manner)
Instructor: Well done. I'd be proud if you grew up to be my husband's mistress.

Camp Flab-away instructor: So, you thought you could make a break for it, did you? Well, no one ever escapes from fat camp. 'Cause the only way out is up a gentle slope.

Homer: Marge, I'm really sorry I hurt you, but I've done way worse stuff since then. There was the gun I hid from you, the time I sued the church, ruining Lisa's wedding in the future, remember that?

Homer: (going through his "Memory Box") Whoo, a letter from my old pen pal! Someday I'll write you back, Osama.
Willie: I know what you're hiding, lad. Willie's been deaf since the boiler explosion of 88. But I've taught myself to read lips.
Guy: Morning, Willie!
Willie: What did you say about my mother!? For your information her feet stank cause she works in manure all day, but it's still the best damn Starbucks in Glasgow.

[Bart accidentally moons the U.S. flag]
Rich Texan: How dare he?! That's the flag my grandpappy rebelled against!

[Principal Skinner summons Homer and Marge into his office after Bart, accidentally, moons the U.S. flag]
Skinner: Your child's behavior appalls me, not just as a principal, but as a veteran of America's only losing war!
Homer: To date.
Marge: I swear, Bart didn't know what he was doing. He was deaf!
Skinner: Oh sure Marge, [shows Homer and Marge a file of photos] just like Blind Bart, Wheelchair Bart, Pregnant Bart, and my personal favorite, Railroad spike through head Bart.
Homer: Yeah, kids love trains.

Lisa: [As the Simpsons swim away from Alcatraz] Swim for San Francisco!
Homer: We're not made of money! We'll swim for Oakland!

French Sailor: [to the Simpsons] Mes amis, we hate American too! Come to France, and we shall mock the country that saved us twice from the Germans!
Kent: In tonight's face-off, I'll be debating Channel Six movie ghoulie Boobarella on the subject of our new boss C. Montgomery Burns. My view, he's a great leader and a gallant American.
Boobarella: He's got a heart as big as my boobs!
Kent: I guess we'll have to agree to agree on this one.
Boobarella: Booobs!

Mr. Burns: This is an outrage. Since when are public figures fair game for satire?
Smithers: Well your goons did run her off the road sir.
Mr. Burns: I can't be held responsible for what my goons were ordered to do.

Homer: These batteries have to power everything in our house. (inserts Spice Girls tape) YO, I tell you what I want what i really really want what I want what I want I'll tell you what I want! (Batteries die) That was totally worth it.

Homer: See Lisa, instead of one big-shot controlling all the media, now there's a thousand freaks xeroxing their worthless opinions.