The Simpsons/Season 6

Bart of Darkness

Nelson: Hey Bart, your epidermis is showing!

Bart: It is? [Bart looks in vain for the problem, only to overbalance and fall from the treehouse, then screams with a girlish scream]

Nelson: [talking to Kearney as Bart plummets] You see, "epidermis" means your hair. [Bart lands with a thud] So technically it's true; that's what makes it so funny. Pardon me a moment. Ha ha!

Milhouse: Hey Nelson, he's really hurt. I think he broke his leg.

Nelson: I said, "Ha, ha."

Hibbert: I'm sorry, that leg's going to have to come off. [Homer and Bart gasps] Ha, ha, ha. Did I say "leg"? I meant that wet bathing suit. I'm afraid you'll need a cast on that broken bone.

Bart: Aw, I'm going to miss the whole summer.

Homer: Don't worry, boy. When you get a job like me, you'll miss every summer.

Marge: This was a lovely idea, Homie. Come here and kiss me.

Homer: Mmm... Uh-h-h-- [a rotor system is heard and a spotlight interrupts]

Homer/Marge: [scream]

Chief Wiggum: [through a megaphone] Do not be alarmed. Continue swimming naked. Aw, come on! Continue! C'mon! Aww... [to Lou] All right, Lou, open fire.

[After hearing a woman scream from inside Flanders' house, Bart looks outside and sees him digging a hole in his yard]

Bart: This can't be what it looks like. There's gotta be some other explanation.

Ned: I wish there was some other explanation for this. But there isn't. I'm a murderer, I'm a murderer!

Bart: Then that's not the real Ned Flanders.

Ned: I'M A MUR-DIDDLY-URDLER!

Bart: If that's not Flanders, he's done his homework.

Homer: [after they build a barn from a pool kit] Alright, everybody in the pool!

Amish Farmer: 'Tis a fine barn, but sure 'tis no pool, English.

Homer: D'oh-eth!

Bart: Well, I guess that explains everything.

Homer: Not everything. [talking to Ned] There's still the little matter of the whereabouts of your wife.

Maude: Uh, I'm right here.

Homer: Oh, I see. Then I guess everything's wrapped up in a neat little package!

[Everybody looks at him]

Homer: Really, I mean that. Sorry if it sounded sarcastic.

Lisa's Rival

Largo: Ohh – that was a close one, Lisa, but you made it.

Lisa: [ecstatic] I won first chair?

Largo: No, you regained consciousness; Allison got first chair.

Lisa: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!

Lisa blacks out

Lisa: Huh ...? Oh, it's just a dream.

Largo: Ohh – that was a close one, Lisa, but you made it.

Lisa: [ecstatic] I won first chair?

Largo: No, you regained consciousness; Allison got first chair. And believe me, this is not a dream!

Lisa: AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!

[Homer and Bart come across an overturned truck that is spilling sugar. Homer shovels sugar into his car]

Bart: Dad, is this not stealing?

Homer: Read your town charter, boy! It says in writing: "If any foodstuffs should touch the ground, said foodstuffs shall become property of the village idiot". Since I don't see him around, start shoveling!

Homer: And you don't think I made any money. I found a dollar while waiting for the bus.

Marge: While you were out "earning" that dollar, you lost $40 by not going to work. The plant called and said if you don't come in tomorrow, don't bother coming in Monday.

Homer: Woo-hoo! Four-day weekend!

Marge: Homer, when are you going to give up this crazy sugar scheme?

Homer: NEVER! Never, Marge! I can't live the button-down life like you. I want it all: the terrifying lows, the dizzying highs, the creamy middles! Sure, I might offend a few of the bluenoses with my cocky stride and musky odors -- oh, I'll never be the darling of the so-called ‘City Fathers’ who cluck their tongues, stroke their beards, and talk about "What's to be done with this Homer Simpson?!"

Marge: Look, just get rid of the sugar, okay?!

Homer: No!

[As Marge walks away, a swarm of bees begin to settle onto the sugar pile]

Homer: [screams] Hey! Get off my sugar! Bad bees! Bad! [bees sting him] Ow! OOWW!! Oh, they're defending themselves somehow!

Homer: [drowsy and in a Cuban accent] In America... first you get the sugar... then you get the power... then you get the women.

Homer: Lisa, stop that racket, I'm trying to fix your mother's camera. Easy... easy... [smashes camera] Hmmm... I'm gonna need a bigger drill.

[Rain squall has dissolved Homer's sugar heap]

Homer: NOOOO!! My sugar is melting! MELTING! Oh, what a world!

Marge: I'm sorry, Homer.

Homer: [composed] It's okay, Marge. I learned my lesson. A mountain of sugar is too much for one man. That is why God dispenses it in those tiny packets and he lives on a plantation in Hawaii.

Bart: Hey, everybody! Look at me! Turn this way right now!

Sherri: Hey, it's Bart!

Milhouse: And he's doing stuff!

Principal Skinner: Bart, stop creating a diversion and get out of here!

Principal Skinner: Ugh, now we're into the dregs. Here's Ralph Wiggum's entry... Pre-packaged Star Wars figures still in their display boxes? Are those the limited edition action figures?

Ralph: What's a diorama?

Principal Skinner: There's Luke... And Obi-Wan! And my favourite, Chewie! They're all here! What do you think?

Miss Hoover: I think it's lunchtime.

Principal Skinner: WE HAVE A WINNER!

Ralph: I beat the smart kids, I beat the smart kid — oh! [Ralph trips, landing on his action figures] I bent my Wookiee.

Another Simpsons Clip Show

[Bart and Lisa are watching Itchy and Scratchy. Marge enters (in reused footage from earlier episode]

Marge:: How many times can you laugh at that cat getting hit by the moon?

Bart: It's a new episode.

Lisa: Not exactly. They pieced it together from old shows, but it seems new to the trusting eyes of impressionable youth.

Bart: [switches to new footage] Really?

Lisa: Ren & Stimpy do it all the time.

Marge: Yes, they do, but when was the last time you heard anyone talk about Ren & Stimpy?

Lisa: Mom, romance is dead. It was acquired in a hostile takeover by Hallmark and Disney, homogenized, and sold off piece by piece.

(Marge tries to talk to Homer about their love life, but Homer is half-asleep)

Homer: Marge, it's 3:00 a.m. and I've been working all day.

Marge: It's 9:30 p.m. and you spent your whole Saturday drinking beer in Maggie's kiddie pool!

(cut to reused footage from season four's New Kid on the Block of Homer digging a half-eaten hot dog out of a kiddie pool)

Homer: There you are. Thought you could get away! (eats it)

Itchy & Scratchy Land

Lisa: Dad! Remember when we asked you if we could go to Itchy & Scratchy Land and you said it'd be too damned expensive?

Homer: Oh, everything's too damned expensive these days. Look at this Bible I just bought. Fifteen bucks! And talk about a preachy book, everyone's a sinner. Except for this guy.

[Ordering at a restaurant]

Bart: I'll have a brain burger with extra pus, please.

Marge: Bart!

Homer: Eyeball stew.

Marge: Homer! We just got here and already I'm mortified beyond belief by your embarrassing behavior.

Bart: I was just ordering a cheeseburger, Mom. They have violent names for everything here.

Marge: [relieved] Oh, I see. [looks at the menu] Alright...hmm... I'll have the baby guts.

Server: Psh. Lady, you disgust me. [walks away]

Lisa: Mom, that's veal.

Marge: Oh...

Park Announcer: Attention, Marge Simpson. Your son has been arrested.

[Marge overhears two women nearby]

Woman: I'd be terribly embarrassed if I was that boy's mother.

[Marge groans, embarrassed]

Park Announcer: Attention, Marge Simpson. We've also arrested your older, balder, fatter son.

[Marge groans again]

[in the Itchy and Scratchy Land jail]

Marge: Oh, I'm so embarrassed. I wish there was a hole I could just crawl into and die.

Guard: [German accent] Ok, throw her in the hole.

[Guards go to grab Marge]

Marge: Oh, please, it was just a figure of speech!

Marge: I have nothing to say to you.

Homer: But Marge, I was a political prisoner!

Marge: How were you a political prisoner?

Homer: I kicked a giant mouse in the butt! Do I have to draw you a diagram?

[Hans Moleman is inside a phone booth at the bird sanctuary with birds attacking him.]

Moleman: [Into phone] Hello, I need the largest seed bell you have. [Pause] No, that's too big...

Euro-Itchy and Scratchy Land Ticket Attendant: Hello? Itchy & Scratchy Land, open for business! Who are you to resist it, huh? Come on, my last paycheck bounced! My children need wine!

Sideshow Bob Roberts

Sideshow Bob: You see, Birch, I'm presently incarcerated.

[...]

Bob: Convicted of a crime I didn't even commit. Ha! "Attempted murder." Now, honestly, what is that? Do they give out a Nobel Prize for "attempted chemistry"? Do they? [someone throws a toilet that nearly hits Bob] Oh, really now, this is a personal call!

Quimby: And this proposed expressway will bring increased commerce to our local merchants.

[murmur]

Abe: WHAT'S IN IT FOR US!?!

Jasper: Yeah, give us something we like or we'll ride you out of town on a rail!

Quimby: Well, what do you people like?

Jasper: Sleep.

Crazy Old Man: Sexy dames and plenty of 'em!

Abe: MATLOCK!!

[...]

Quimby: Well, I suppose I could name it the... "Matlock Expressway"!

Lisa: Bart, we can't let Bob steal the spotlight like this. We're gonna have to sink to the lowest common denominator.

Bart: I can do that.

Homer: I know what you're up to, Mayor Terwigiger, and no-one in my family's gonna stand for it. [foghorn sound]

Abe: [on Matlock Ex. with Jasper] Move your goldarn house, son!

[Bart and Lisa have just tricked Sideshow Bob into revealing that he stole the election]

Sideshow Bob: There. Is that what you want, you smarmy little bastards?

Bart: We want the truth!

Sideshow Bob: You want the truth? You can't handle the truth. No truth-handler, you! Bah, I deride your truth-handling abilities!

Judge: But why?

Sideshow Bob: Because you need me, Springfield. Your guilty conscience may force you to vote Democratic, but deep down, you secretly long for a cold-hearted Republican to lower taxes, brutalize criminals and rule you like a king. That's why I did it- to save you from yourselves. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a city to run.

Judge: Bailiffs, place the mayor under arrest!

Sideshow Bob: What...? Oh, right, all that stuff I did.

Treehouse of Horror V

[Tuesday. The Simpsons are driving up a long mountain road to Mr. Burns' summer house]

Homer: Well, it was a long trip, but we're almost there.

Marge: Homer, did you remember to lock the front door of the house?

Homer: D'oh!

[Wednesday]

Homer: Well, it's been two long trips, but were finally almost there again.

Marge: When you locked the front door, did you remember to lock the back door?

Homer: D'oh, d'oh!

[Thursday. The family is indifferent about the trip and they aren't saying anything]

Lisa: [gasps] Oh, no! We left Grandpa back at the gas station! [no reaction] What about Grandpa?

Marge: Homer... Homer? [sees a typewriter a single page in it] What he's typed will be a window into his madness. [reads] "Feelin' fine." Well, that's a relief.

[Lightning flashes, showing "No Beer and No TV Make Homer Go Crazy" written all over the walls and ceiling.]

Marge: Hmm.. this is less encouraging...

Homer: HELLO!

Marge: [screams]

Homer: [lights on] Well what do you think, Marge? All I need is a title. I'm thinking along the lines of "No Beer and No TV Make Homer... something something".

Marge: Go crazy?

Homer: DON'T MIND IF I DO! [makes an assortment of weird noises, then starts chasing Marge]

[Marge runs to break glass behind her and grabs bat inside]

Marge: Stay away from me, Homer!

Homer: Gimme the bat, Marge! Gimme the bat. Gimme the bat. C'mon. Gimme the bat! Gimme the ba-ba-baooululuulu. Heh-heh-heh. Scaredy-cat. LERRRR~!! [makes a scary face, looks at himself in the mirror, and scares himself as he screams and falls down the stairs, knocking himself out]

[Homer chops through a door with an axe.]

Homer: Here's Johnny! [notices the room is empty] D'oh!

[Homer chops through a different door.]

Homer: Daaaavid LETTERMAN! [sees Grandpa, who finally found his way to the house after being left at the gas station earlier in the story]

Abe: Hi David, I'm Grandpa.

Homer: D'oh!

[Homer chops through a different door with a ticking clock in hand.]

Homer: I'm Mike Wallace, I'm Morley Safer, and I'm Ed Bradley! All this and Andy Rooney tonight on 60 Minutes!

Family: [screams]

Homer: Sitting here now with you and the kids in our cozy home in this beautiful free country. It just makes me feel that I'm really a lucky guy.

Lisa: DAD!!!!! YOUR HAND IS JAMMED IN THE TOASTER!!!!!!

[When Homer realizes this everyone screams as Homer attempts to get his hand out, which he finally does.]

Bart: DAD, IT'S IN THERE AGAIN!!!!

Homer: I wish I wish I hadn't killed that fish.

[Homer sees his timeline is now in a fancier home.]

Homer: D'oh! I mean, hey!

Bart: Good morning, father dear. Hope you're well.

Lisa: Are we taking the new Lexus to Aunt Patty and Selma's funeral today?

Homer: Hmmm? Fabulous house, well-behaved kids, sisters-in-law dead, luxury sedan? Woohoo! I hit the jackpot! Marge, dear, would you kindly pass me a donut?

Marge: Donut? What's a donut?

Homer: AAAAAAHHHH!!! AAAAAAHHHH!!! AAAAAAHHHH!!!

[just as he leaves in the time machine, it starts raining donuts]

Marge: Hmm. It's raining again.

[returning to the past with a baseball bat]

Homer: "Don't touch anything"?! I'll touch whatever I feel like! [Homer begins smashing everything in sight]

Willie: You're still not in your own world, Homer. I can get ya home, but you have to do exactly as I-- (jab) AAARRRGGGHHH!!! [collapses with an ax in his back; Maggie removes her pacifier]

Maggie: [In James Earl Jones's voice] This is, indeed, a disturbing universe.

Marge: Good morning dear!

Homer: What's my name?! What color is the sky?! What of donuts?! What?!? For the love of God tell me!

Marge: Homer! The sky is blue! Donuts are plentiful! Friday is TGIF night on ABC! What's gotten into you?

Homer: Nothing. Nothing at all. Let's just eat.

[as they sit down to eat, they begin using their lizard-like tongues]

Homer: Eh, close enough.

Homer: Wow! I'm the first non-Brazilian person to travel backwards through time.

Mr. Peabody: Correction, Homer, you're the second.

Sherman: That's right, Mr. Peabody.

Mr. Peabody: Quiet, you.

Willie: Hold on kids! I'm coming to rescue the lot of you! I'll— [screams] Ugch, I'm bad at this.

[Homer has just awaken and is in heaven as he stuffs his face with food. Moe knocks on the pantry door.]

Moe:[through the door] Homer? It's Moe. Uh look, some of the ghouls and I are a little concerned the project isn't moving forward.

Homer: Can't murder now, eating.

Moe: Oh, for crying out loud... [enters with a group of horror characters] Come on.

[Homer screams as Moe's gang of ghouls consisting of a mummy, werewolf, vampire, Freddy Kruger, Jason Voorhees and Pinhead carry him out against his will.]

[Lisa trips in the snow while being chased by an axe-wielding homer, spots a handheld TV]

Lisa: Dad, look! (holds handheld TV up)

Homer: Television! Teacher, mother, [suggestive emphasis] secret lover. Urge to kill... fading... fading... fading... RISING! Fading, fading... gone.

[Family sighs in relief]

Homer: Come, family. Sit in the snow with Daddy and let us all bask in television's warm glowing warming glow.

[Time progresses and everyone is encased by ice]

TV Announcer: Live, from Broadway, it's the Tony Awards, with your hosts Tyne Daly and Hal Linden!

Bart: Homer... change channel!

Homer: Can't, frozen!

["One" from "A Chorus Line" plays]

Homer: Urge to kill...rising...

Bart's Girlfriend

[Bart walks past the kitchen table with Snowball II stuck to his back.]

Marge: Have you noticed any change in Bart?

Homer: New glasses?

Marge: No... he looks like something might be disturbing him.

Homer: Probably misses his old glasses.

Marge: I guess we could get more involved in Bart's activities, but then I'd be afraid of smothering him.

Homer: Yeah, and then we'd get the chair.

Marge: That's not what I meant.

Homer: It was, Marge, admit it.

Bart's Brain: Now, just relax. For once, you didn't do anything wrong. Just explain yourself and everyone will understand.

Bart: I--

Helen Lovejoy: Took the money? Yes, we know.

Moe: He confessed!

Bart: O-kay!

[Bart runs to and jumps out the window]

Homer: Stop him! He's headed for the window!

[Bart is having dinner with the Lovejoys]

Helen: So Bart, how's school going? Jessica always gets straight A's.

Bart: Well, in my family grades aren't that important. It's what you learn that counts.

Reverend Lovejoy: Six times five, what is it?

Bart: Um, actually numbers don't have much use in my future career-- Olympic Gold Medal Rocket Sled Champ.

Helen: Hmm. I didn't know the rocket sled was an Olympic event.

Bart: Well, no offense, lady, but what you don't know could fill a warehouse.

[The Lovejoys gasp, appalled]

Reverend Lovejoy: Young man, explain yourself!

Bart: Sorry. I have kind of a short fuse... which some find charming. Speaking of charming, watching Fox last night I heard a rather amusing story-- this character named Martin was feeling rather... randy, and he was heard to remark-

[Scene cuts to Reverend Lovejoy throwing Bart out of the house by the ear]

Reverend Lovejoy: Don't you ever come near my daughter again! Never have I heard such gratuitous use of the word 'butt'!

Bart: [struggling to explain] But-but-but-but-but-but-but-

Helen: [in hallway, covering her ears] Make him stop! Make him stop!

[Reverend Lovejoy slams the door]

Jessica: You're bad, Bart Simpson.

Bart: [protesting] No, I'm not, I'm really-

Jessica: Yes, you are. You're bad, and I like it.

Bart: I'm bad to the bone, honey.

Bart: [about Jessica] Smart, beautiful and a liar!

[Jessica has pulled the fire alarm at the school. Everyone is fleeing. Groundskeeper Willie runs in the opposite direction]

Groundskeeper Willie: If I don't save the wee turtles, who will?!

[He kicks down the door to a room labeled 'Science Lab' and enters. Seconds later he emerges with a dozen small turtles biting him all over]

Groundskeeper Willie: Aaagh! Save me from the wee turtles!

[The Simpsons approach the church for Sunday service. From inside, a high angelic soprano voice can be heard accompanying the organ. Bart is transfixed]

Bart: Jessica...

Lisa: Bart, be strong! You don't need that little hellcat!

Bart: Oh Lis, she's already drawing me to her with her beautiful siren song...

[Bart dashes ahead of the family and enters the church only to discover the angelic soprano voice belongs to Ned Flanders, who's singing from a hymnal at the altar]

Bart: [shudders] Oooh, that's very disturbing...

Bart: [to Jessica] You're turning me into a criminal when all I want to be is a petty thug.

Bart: [to Lisa about Jessica Lovejoy] She's like a Milk Dud, Lis. Sweet on the outside, poison on the inside.

Bart: [to Jessica]: Jessica, you're really beautiful but you are not very nice.

Jessica: [scoffs] Duh.

Jessica Lovejoy: [to Bart] I'm the sweet, perfect minister's daughter and you're just yellow trash.

Bart: I just wanted to let you know that even though this was a difficult experience, I really learned a lot. I'm a little wiser and a little less naive.

Jessica: Well, I learned that I can make men do whatever I want.

Bart: Well, don't you see, Jessica, then you really haven't learned-

Jessica: Would you finish scrubbing these steps for me?

Bart: Will I?!

[happily grabs brush and starts scrubbing church steps]

Lisa on Ice

Principal Skinner: All right, first academic alert: Wiggum, Ralph.

Ralph: I won! I won! [walks on stage]

Skinner: No, no, Ralph, this means you're failing English.

Ralph: Me fail English? That's unpossible.

[Lisa is concerned about her failing grade in gym class]

Marge: Cheer up! So you're not good at sports. It's a very small part of life.

Homer: Sports-sports-sports-sports-sports-sports-sports-sports. Marge, Bart rides up in the front seat today because he's a good guy at sports.

Marge: Homer, I think Lisa could use a little cheering up. How about let her in front too?

[Homer glances at Bart, who coolly shakes his head.]

Homer: [shrugs, to Marge] I tried.

[Bart walks into the kitchen with his baseball glove where Homer is sitting]

Bart: C'mon dad; lets go throw the ol' baseball.

Homer: Sorry Bart, I'm taking Lisa out for a gellati. We'd ask you to come but...ya know.

[after Bart fails to be a scholar due to him being a slacker in school all his life and irritating Ms. Krabappel, Nelson, Jimbo and Kearney beats Bart up]

Nelson:[beating up Bart] This is for wasting teacher's valuable time!

Lisa:[punches Jimbo, pulls his shirt half over his head] Lay off, guys! He's with me.

[Kearney and Nelson back away. Jimbo also backs away partially due to him being Lisa's teammate.]

Jimbo:[points at Bart] It's a lucky coincidence you happen to be your sister's brother.

Lisa: Don't worry, Bart, they won't bother you any more.

[everyone points and laughs]

Skinner: I hardly ever let Mother fight for me any more! [laughs]

Milhouse: Sorry, Bart, I'm going to hang out with Lisa...for protection...and to be seen!

Chief Wiggum: Oh, yes, we won! We won, we won! Uh, unfortunately, since I bet on the other team... we won't be going out for pizza.

[his team sighs]

Homer: Bad Man

Homer: Ehh, somebody had to take the babysitter home, then I noticed she was sitting on the gummi Venus, so I grabbed it off her. Oh, just thinking about that sweet, sweet candy... [drools] I just wish I had another one right now. But the most important thing is-

Godfrey Jones: That, is really great Mr. Simpson. We got everything we need.

[The version of his interview aired by Rock Bottom]

Homer: Somebody had to take the babysitter home, then I noticed she was sitting on- her- sweet can... so I grabbed- her- sweet can... -Oh, just thinking about- her- can... -I just wish I had- her- sweet, sweet- s-s-sweet can...

Godfrey Jones: So, Mr. Simpson, you admit you grabbed her can. What do you have to say in your defense? (a paused shot of Homer is seen) Mr. Simpson, your silence will only incriminate you further. (the frozen image of Homer begins to slowly zoom in] No, Mr. Simpson, don't take your anger out on me! Get back! Get back! M-Mr. Simpson, noooo! (the screen freezes on the screaming Godfrey)

Announcer: Dramatization, may not have happened.

Kent Brockman: This is hour 57 of our live, round-the-clock coverage outside the Simpson estate. Remember, by the way, to tune in at 8:00 for highlights of today's vigil, including when the garbage man came and when Marge Simpson put the cat out... possibly because it was harassed, we don't know. Of course, there's no way to see into the Simpson home without some kind of infrared heat-sensitive camera. So, let's turn it on. Now, this technology is new to me, but, I'm pretty sure that's Homer Simpson in the oven, rotating slowly. (closeup of a turkey in a rotisserie) His body temperature has risen to over 400 degrees; he's literally stewing in his own juices. [in the TV studio] Now, here are some results from our phone-in poll: 95% of the people believe Homer Simpson is guilty. Of course, this is just a television poll which is not legally binding, unless Proposition 304 passes; and we all pray it will.

Grandpa vs. Sexual Inadequacy

Grampa: Welcome home, son. I broke two lamps and lost all your mail. What's wrong with your wife?

Homer: Never mind, you wouldn't understand.

Grampa: Flu?

Homer: No.

Grampa: Protein deficiency?

Homer: No.

Grampa: Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis?

Homer: No.

Grampa: Unsatisfying sex life?

Homer: N-- Yes! But please, don't you say that word.

Grampa: What? [shouts] Sex? What's so unappealing about hearing your elderly father talk about sex? I had sex.

Homer: [groans]

Lisa: Mom, Dad, this biography of Peter Ueberroth is only 99 cents. And I found the new Al Gore book.

Marge: "Sane Planning, Sensible Tomorrow."

Lisa: Yeah, I hope it's as exciting as his other book, "Rational Thinking, Reasonable Future".

Aide: Mr Vice-President! Someone finally bough a copy of your book, sir!

Al Gore: Well then, this calls for a celebration. [switches stereo on]

Kool and the Gang: Celebrate good times, come on!

Al Gore: I will.

Homer: Dad, how come you never gave me any encouragement? Maybe I could’ve been something more than I am. Like a travel agent, to a great scientist, or the inventor of a hilarious refrigerator alarm.

Grampa: Who are you to complain? You locked me up in a home and give me the same damn shower safety seat every Christmas.

[in the car]

Homer: Your whole life, you've never said one nice thing to me.

Grampa: That's cause you're a screw-up.

Homer: You're the screw-up!

Grampa: Why you little... [proceeds to strangle Homer, who eventually thrusts him away]

Homer: All right! All right, that's it! We're going home! I'm sick of you and your stupid tonic.

Grampa: If I hadn't take that stupid tonic 38 years ago, you'd have never been born and I would have been happy! YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT!

[Homer gasps and stops the car]

Homer: [angry] GET OUT.

Grampa: I'm sorry I said that.

Homer: [still angry] OUT.

Grampa: [gets out of the car] I'm going to get out of the car and I hope you find it in your heart not to drive aw-

[Homer drives off, preventing Grampa from finishing his sentence]

Grampa: Well, I'll be alright as long as I can remember my army training. [scene cuts to middle of the night with Grampa still stranded on the same stretch of open road] Dang! [a lone wolf is heard howling in the distance]

Marge: Homey, are you really going to ignore Grampa for the rest of your life?

Homer: Of course not, Marge. Just for the rest of his life. He said I was an accident, he didn't wanna have me.

Marge: You didn't wanna have Bart.

Homer: I know, but you're never supposed to tell the child!

Marge: You tell Bart all the time. You told him this morning!

Homer: But when I do it, it's cute!

Bart: Homer, your half ass under-parenting was better than your half ass over-parenting.

Homer: But I'm using my whole ass!

Lisa: Dad, it's just that too much of your love can really be... scary.

Homer: Some day you'll thank me for all this scary love. But now I've gotta go somewhere and do some serious thinking.

[leaves]

Bart: I'm sure he meant to say "serious drinking".

Lisa: That's what I assumed.

Fear of Flying

Moe: [to Homer] And I'm pulling your favorite song out of the jukebox.

Homer: "It's Raining Men"?!

Moe: Yeah, not no more, it ain't. [throws the record out the window which lands into Smithers' car]

Smithers: Ow! [looks at the record] Ohhh.

Bart: Cheer up, Homer.

Homer: Can't.

Bart: Okay!

Marge: What if you pretended that this couch were a bar? Then you could spend more nights at home with us. Huh?

Homer: I'm not going to dignify that with an answer.

Lisa: Look on the bright side, Dad. Did you know that the Chinese use the same word for "crisis" as they do for "opportunity"?

Homer: Yes! Cris-a-tunity. You're right. I've been wasting my life away in that dump for years. That's it! I'm going to find a new bar to drink in, and I'm going to get drunker than I've ever been in my entire life! Bart! Where's my wallet?

Bart: [pulling it from his own pocket] Right here, Dad!

Homer: Thank you!

[Homer enters the bar from Cheers.]

Homer: Ooh, this looks like a nice, friendly place.

Carla: Sam, you're too old to go on a date with two twins on the same night you're supposed to marry Diane, without Rebecca knowing.

Sam: Okay Carla, I'll make you a bet; if this affects my major-league comeback, I'll sell the bar.

Norm: Hey Woody, get me a beer.

Woody: I think you've had enough, Mr. Peterson. My chiropractor says I can't carry you home anymore.

Norm: Just give me another beer, you brain-dead hick! [stands up and smashes a bottle] I'll kill you! I'll kill all of you!

[Norm lunges for Woody, but Cliff and Frasier restrain him.]

Clavin: Woah, settle down, Normie! Gotta save those pipes for karaoke!

[Homer runs from the bar.]

Norm: I love you guys! [weeps as the Cheers theme plays]

Homer: Wait a minute... There's something bothering me about this place. [gasps] I know! This lesbian bar doesn't have a fire exit! Enjoy your deathtrap, ladies. (leaves)

Lesbian: What was her problem?

Homer: The last bar in Springfield. If they don't let me in here, I'm going to have to quit drinking.

Homer's Liver: Yay!

Homer: Shut up, liver! [punches himself in the liver] Ow, my liver hurts.

Airport Worker: We need a pilot, pronto! Who wants to fly to the Windy City?

[All of the pilots stand up, trying to get his attention.]

Airport Worker: Conditions are a little windy.

[All of the pilots who stood up sit down, leaving Homer standing.]

Airport Worker: You! [points at Homer]

Homer: But I...

Airport Worker: Hey! You're not just impersonating a pilot so you can drink here, are you?

Homer: Yeah. That's exactly why I'm here.

Airport Worker: [laughs] You flyboys, you crack me up.

[Cut to the cockpit of a plane.]

Homer: But I keep telling you, I'm not a pilot!

Airport Worker: And I keep telling you, you flyboys crack me up!

[Forces Homer into cockpit.]

Homer: Come on, Marge, I want to shake off the dust of this one-horse town. I want to explore the world. I want to watch TV in a different time zone. I want to visit strange, exotic malls. I'm sick of eating hoagies. I want a grinder, a sub, a foot-long hero. I want to live, Marge! Won't you let me live? Won't you, please?!

Grandpa: [Looking out the airplane window at the landing crew] Wow, we must be really flying high. Those people down there look all tiny and blurry, just like the inside of a cataract.

Homer: Marge, what's wrong? Are you hungry? Sleepy? Gassy? Is it gas? It's gas, isn't it?

Bart: You know, I have this feeling that we forgot something...

Grampa: [still on the airplane] AAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Homer: Eh, I'm sure it's nothin'.

Lisa: Mom, are you feeling any better?

Marge: Yes, but I'd rather not talk about it.

Homer: Permit me to solve the mystery: your mother has a fear of flying.

Bart: So much for the days when I could say, "At least my mother's normal."

Marge: Everyone has a fear of something.

Homer: Not everyone.

Marge: Sock puppets!

Homer: Where!? Where!? [screams]

Marge: I just realized we never had a wedding for the cat and the dog. They've been living in sin. [Santa's Little Helper and Snowball II whimper miserably]

Lisa: Mom, you've been cooking all night?

Marge: [in a happy tone] Judge, jury, and executioner, all rolled into one, you are!

Lisa: See, Dad, I told you Mom would have problems.

Marge: No, no, honey, it's all right. Really, I'm fine, I'm all right. Mother always said, "Don't complain. Be good. Behave. Behave. Be nice. Smile. Be polite. Don't make waves..." [walks out]

Homer: You heard your mother's ramblings. She's fine, so behave.

Lisa: Mom, can we talk to you?

Marge: Can't talk. Keeping myself in a state of catlike readiness.

Lisa: Uh, neat. Anyway, Mom, maybe you should go into therapy.

Marge: I don't need therapy, I'm fine; and it's too expensive.

Homer: And I don't believe in it! It breaks up families, turns wives against husbands, children against fathers, neighbors against me. You don't have to pay some fancy psychiatrist 10 bucks an hour to get top-notch therapy.

Lisa: Dad, Mom's getting worse. You need to get her to a real psychiatrist; look how tense she is.

Homer: She's fine. [realises Marge is sitting down with no sofa under her] Oh.

Homer: [sarcastically] All right, Lisa, you got your way. Your mom's going to a psychiatrist. She's going to tell Marge to leave me. It'll break up the family and you'll have to live with your grandmother and pick beans.

Lisa: Dad, I like picking beans with Grandma.

Homer: Well, keep it up, then.

Lisa: [sarcastically] Okay, I will.

Homer: Good. You do that.

Lisa: Fine.

Homer: You'll be picking many a bean.

Lisa: Hope I do.

[Marge gets on the bus for her first day of school, carrying lunchbox with The Monkees on it]

Girl: Eww! You like The Monkees? You know they don't write their own songs.

Marge: They do so!

Girl: They don't even play their own instruments.

Marge: No! No!

Girl: That's not even Michael Nesmith's real hat.

Marge: Agggghhhh!!!

Homer: [to Marge] Did you talk about me in therapy today?

Marge: I don't think so.

Homer: Tell me the truth! [gasps] Don't tell her I raised my voice. [laughs nervously] Happy family, happy family...

Marge: Thank you, Doctor. Whenever the wind whistles through the leaves, I'll think "Lowenstein", "Lowenstein".

Dr. Zweig: My name is Zweig.

Marge: [whispering] Lowenstein...

Homer the Great

Homer: [upset about being left out] Why won't those stupid idiots let me in their crappy club for jerks?

Homer: I've always wondered if there was a god. And now I know. There is, and it's me.

Marge: You're not a god, Homer.

Lisa: Remember, Dad, all glory is fleeting.

Homer: So?

Lisa: Beware the Ides of March.

Homer: No.

Lisa: Dad, I know you think you're happy now, but it's not gonna last forever.

Homer: Everything lasts forever.

Lisa: Don't you see? Getting what you want all time will ultimately leave you unfulfilled and joyless.

Homer: Remove the girl.

Lisa: Dad, you're not with your Stonecutters now, there are no lackeys to carry out your-- [Bart takes away Lisa, then salutes Homer]

Stonecutters: [singing] Who controls the British Crown?

Who keeps the metric system down?

We do, we do

Carl: Who leaves Atlantis off the maps?

Lenny: Who keeps the Martians under wraps?

Martian: We do, we do

Stonecutters: Who holds back the electric car?

Who makes Steve Guttenberg a star?

We do, we do

Principal Skinner: Who robs cave fish of their sight?

Homer: Who rigs every Oscar night?

Stonecutters: We do... we do!

[Homer, blindfolded while being initiated]

Number One: This ritual is called Crossing the Desert. [leads Homer in front of a line of members with paddles]

Homer: [being spanked as he walks by] Ow ow ow ow ow ow!

Number One: And this is we call the Unblinking Eye. [leads Homer again]

Homer: [being spanked again] Ow ow ow ow ow ow! [on the other side of the line] Hey, have ya ever noticed that the Crossing the Desert is a lot like the Unblinking Eye? It's exactly like The Wreck of the Hesperus.

Number One: And now the final ordeal: The Paddling of the Swollen Ass... with paddles. [leads Homer a third time]

[After being rejected by the new club, Homer takes matters into his own hands and replaces the members with monkeys]

Homer: Loyal Stonecutters, let us begin our reenactment of the Battle of Gettysburg.

[camera pulls back to reveal scattered, costumed and drunk monkeys]

Marge: [walking in] Homer, you can't just keep hanging out with these globus monkeys. Somebody's going to get parasites.

Homer: Oh Marge, kids, I miss my club.

Marge: Oh, Homey. You know, you "are" a member of a very exclusive club.

Homer: Black panthers?

Marge: No, the family Simpson, which has just five members -- and only two of those members have special rings.

Bart and Lisa: Yeah!

[they blow on their whistle rings]

Marge: I meant our wedding rings!

Number One: Remove the Stone of Shame!

[The Stone of Shame is removed from Homer's neck]

Homer: Woo-hoo!

Number One: Attach the Stone of Triumph!

[an even bigger stone is attached]

And Maggie Makes Three

Homer: Oh, I hope I haven't upset you... bongo-head!

[starts playing the bongos on Burns' head]

Mr. Burns: Oh, I should be resisting this, but I'm paralyzed with rage... and island rhythms.

[Homer drives through the plant and everyone cheers as Homer continues playing]

Carl: Yeah, way to play the boss's head like a bongo, Homer!

Lenny: He's getting a pretty good sound out of that guy.

Homer: Ah, another perfect day in my perfect life with my perfect job.

Chief Wiggum: [driving by] Hey, just heard the news over the squawk box. That's nice work, Homer.

Homer: [thinking about his new job] Thank you, thank you very much. It is nice work.

[Kwik-E-Mart]

Apu: Oh Mr. Simpson, I have just heard about the little bundle of joy. Congratulations, sir.

Homer: [still oblivious] It's true, the bundle is little, but I'm not in it for the money.

[Moe's Tavern]

Moe: Hey Homer, way to get Marge pregnant.

Homer: [confused] This is getting very abstract, but thank you, I do enjoy working at the bowling alley.

Homer: [barges door] Man, it's windy as hell out there! [notices baby shower] Hey, wait a minute. What are all these presents? It looks like you're... showering Marge with gifts... hmm, [examines a piece of baby clothes] with little, tiny baby-sized gifts. [little oblivious] Well... I'll be in the tub. [walks upstairs]

Maude: By the way, congratulations on your new job, Homer.

Homer: New job..? Marge is pregnant?! [yanks out his few remaining hairs] NOOOOOOOOOOO!

[Homer runs upstairs, shrieking hysterically.]

Homer: Oh, you're pregnant! That means we're gonna have to have a baby. All our financial plans are ruined! We're doomed! Doomed, I tells ya!

[He lets out a scream as his head swells like a balloon and then pops. Cut to the present]

Marge: Bart, let your father tell the story!

Homer: Yeah!

Bart: Okay, but I know funny.

[Homer is staring at a bowling ball, trying to think of a way to increase business at the bowling alley]

Homer: Of course!

[Cut to outside the bowling alley, Homer is firing a shotgun into the air while people around him run away, screaming]

Homer: Bowling! Bowling here! Get your bowling! Who's ready? Bowling!

Lisa: [in the present] Mom, make Dad tell the story right!

Marge: That's what really happened.

Lisa: Oh.

[At the hospital, Mayor Quimby holds a newborn child in his arms while the mother (a young woman) rests.]

Mayor Quimby: This is incredible. It's God's most wondrous miracle.

Nurse: Sir, I think your wife wants to hold the baby.

Mayor Quimby: My wife? Where? Where?! [runs off in a panic]

[Homer holds Maggie for the first time.]

Homer: Awww, it's a boy. [looking down] And what a boy!

Dr. Hibbert: Uh... that's the umbilical cord; it's a girl.

Bart's Comet

Principal Skinner: [ominous] Destroy that balloon.

Groundskeeper Willie: Aye. [cocks a shotgun, shoots into the sky]

[two fighter planes fly overhead]

Pilot 1: Tango 14, we're being fired at. I'm getting an exact ID on the bogey now.

[screen shows a silhouette of Willy and "Identify"; screen flashes "Iraqi fighter jet"]

Pilot 1: Iraqis again. Launching sidewinder missile. [missile destroys the other plane] Missed him. Launching second sidewinder missile. [missile destroys his own plane]

Pilot 1: [parachuting] This is what happens when you cut money out of the military and put it into health care!

Pilot 2: [parachuting] It's a good program! Just give it a chance, that's all I ask.

[their parachutes fail; they crash to the ground]

[a slide shows the comet impact, showing Moe's bar in the center]

Moe: Oh, dear God, no!

Quimby: Fortunately, we have a plan. Professor Frink?

Frink: Mu-hi. Good evening, ladies and—

Man: Quit stalling! What's the plan?!

Frink: Alright, just take your seat, just take your seat. [removes cloth, to a scale model of Springfield] Now, working with former Carter-administration officials and military men who were forced into early retirement—for various reasons which we won't go here, okay?—we have planned this defense for the city. [flips switch] As the comet hurdles toward the city, our rocket will intercept it, and blow it to smithereens. Ma-hyvin! [explodes. Flames land onto Moe's bar]

Moe: Oh, dear God, no!

Kent Brockman: With our utter annihilation imminent, our federal government has snapped into action. We go live now via satellite to the floor of the United States Congress.

Speaker: Then it is unanimous, we are going to approve the bill to evacuate the town of Springfield in the great state of—

Congressman: Wait a second, I want to tack on a rider to that bill—$30 million of taxpayer money to support the perverted arts.

Speaker: All in favor of the amended Springfield-slash-prevert(sic) bill? [entire Congress boos] Bill defeated. [gavel]

Kent Brockman: I've said it before and I'll say it again: democracy simply doesn't work.

[The comet hits the atmosphere over Springfield, crumbling until it lands as a harmless rock smaller than a nearby Chihuahua's head.]

Lisa: I can't believe that extra-thick layer of pollution that I've actually picketed against is what burned up the comet.

Bart: But what's really amazing is that this is exactly what Dad said would happen.

Lisa: Yeah, Dad was right.

Homer: I know, kids. I'm scared too.

Homie the Clown

[Krusty is doing a lecture on clown pants]

Krusty the Clown: Okay, we'll start off with baggy pwha –? Those are supposed to be baggy pants. BAGGY!

Homer: Ohh! I've never had a pair of pants that fit this well in my life.

[Krusty is doing a lecture on balloons]

Krusty: These Krusty brand balloons are 3 bucks each. Get a cheap one, and what happens? Goes off! Takes out the eyeballs of every kid in the room! What's that gonna cost ya? [to his accountant] Hey, Bill, what'd that cost us?

Krusty the Clown: Now, when the wealthy dowager comes in, the party's over, right? Wrong!

[throws pie into dowager's face; her head cracks the wall]

Homer: [takes notes] Kill, Wealthy, Dowager.

Accountant: [incredulous] Let me get this straight: you took all the money you made franchising your name, and bet it against the Harlem Globetrotters?

Krusty the Clown: [miserable] Oh, I thought the Generals were due!

[On the TV, a Globetrotter is spinning the ball as Generals players hover uncertainly around him.]

Krusty the Clown: [screaming] He's spinning the ball on his finger! Just take it! Take the ball!

[The Globetrotter kicks the ball into the net behind him.]

Krusty the Clown: That game was fixed! They were using a freakin' ladder, for God's sake!

[Homer is using a pickaxe to punch holes in the hood of his car]

Ned: Whatcha diddly doin', neighbor?

Homer: I'm puttin' speed holes in my car; makes it go faster.

Ned: Is that so? Well, gee, maybe the old Flanders mobile could use-- [Ned is shot, falls to the ground] Agghh! [gets back up] Wow, lucky I always keep a Bible close to my heart and-- [Ned is shot again] D'a-oh! [gets back up] Ho-ho-hoh, lucky I was wearing this extra-large piece of the True Cross today. I think I'll go inside. [runs with Bible. A bullet hits the pickaxe causing the head to spin]

Homer: What keeps doing that? [to a limo]

Fat Tony: I told you we should have bought more than three bullets. Lets just grab him.

[Homer has been abducted by the Springfield mafia on the mistaken basis he is Krusty, who owes debts.]

Homer: But wait, you can't kill me for being Krusty. I'm not him! I'm Homer Simpson!

Fat Tony: The same Homer Simpson who crashed his car through the wall of our club?

Homer: Uh... actually my name is Barney. Yeah, Barney Gumble!

Legs: The same Barney Gumble who keeps taking pictures of my sister?

Homer: Uh... actually my real name is uh... think Krusty, think... Joe Valachi!

Louie: The same Joe Valachi who squealed to the Senate Committee about organized crime?

[While being lead into the mobsters club]

Homer: Benedict Arnold!

Legs: The same Benedict Arnold who plotted to surrender West Point to the hated British?

Homer: D'oh!

Bart vs. Australia

Lisa: Bart, water will only go the other way in the southern hemisphere.

Bart: What the hell is the Southern Hemisphere?

Lisa: Haven't you ever looked at your globe? [Tears off wrapping paper on a gift with a tag reading "Happy Birthday! Love Grampa" on it] See, the Southern Hemisphere is made up off everything below the equ... [stares at Bart] this line.

Bart: So say in Argentina, and Rand McNally [pointing at Rand McNally logo on globe], all their water goes backwards?

Lisa: Uh-huh. In fact, in Rand McNally, people wear hats on their feet and hamburgers eat people.

Bart: [impressed] Cool!

[Bart has made a phone call to the president of an unknown South American country]

Aide: Please to repeat again, so I can translating for the el presidente.

Bart: [on the phone] Which way does the water turn in your toilet?

Aide: [gasps, in Spanish with English subtitles] ¡Él dice que las mareas están cambiando! (He says the tides are turning!)

President: [gasps] ¡Ay carumba! ¡Entonces los rebeldes pronto se llevará a la capital! ¡Necessito huir! (Oh, no! Then the rebels will soon take the Capital! I must flee!) Yaaiiee! [President jumps out the window]

Homer: Hey! Are you like one of those English guards who can't laugh or smile or anything? [making noises and faces at the marine, who punched in his face] Ow!

Marine: No, sir! US Marine Corps, sir!

[Bart calls Argentina, where Adolf Hitler's car phone starts ringing]

Hitler: Eine minuten, eine minuten! [Phone stops ringing] Ach, das mobile phone is das nuisance phone!

[A Nazi officer passes by on a bicycle and gives the Hitler salute]

Officer: Buenos dias, Mein Führer!

Hitler: Ach, ja, ja...

[Homer is reading the phone bill]

Homer: Burkino Faso? Disputed Zone? Who called all these weird places?

Homer's Brain: Quiet, it might be you, I can't remember.

Homer: No, I'm gonna ask Marge.

Homer's Brain: No, no! Why embarrass us both? Just write a check and I'll release some more endorphins.

Homer: [after writing a check] Ohhhh...

Bart: Mom, Dad, just so you don't hear any wild rumors, I'm being indicted for fraud in Australia.

Homer: That's no reason to block the TV.

[As the family leaves the compound, they pass a sign reading "You are now entering Australia".]

Bart: Hey, G.I. Joe, your sign's broken. We're already in Australia.

Marine: Actually, Sir, the embassy is considered American soil, Sir.

Homer: Really? Look, boy, now I'm in Australia. [hops over the line] Now I'm in America. Australia! America!

Bart: I get it, Dad.

Homer: Australia! America!

Marge: Homer, that's enough.

Homer: Australia! America!

[The Marine decks Homer, knocking him down.]

Marine: Here in America, we don't tolerate that kind of crap, Sir!

Australian man: You call that a knife? This is a knife. (takes out spoon.)

Bart: That's not a knife. That's a spoon.

Australian man: All right, all right, you win. Heh. I see you've played knifey-spooney before.

[in a bar]

Homer: Ooh! Give me one of those famous giant beers I've heard so much about. [the bartender lifts a can of Foster's the size of a half keg in front of him]

Bartender: Something wrong, Yank?

Homer: [disappointed] Noo... It's pretty big, I guess.

Marge: I'll just have a cup of coffee.

Bartender: Beer it is.

Marge: No, I said coffee.

Bartender: Beer?

Marge: Cof-fee.

Bartender: [still not understanding] Be-ear?

Marge: C-O...

Bartender: B-E...

Store Owner: [sweeping a bunch of toads out] Get out, get out! Shoo, shoo. Get out of here, yuck! These bloody things are everywhere. They're in the lift, in the lorry, in the bond wizard, and all over the malonga gilderchuck.

Clerk: They're like kangaroos, but they're reptiles, they is.

Marge: We have them in America. They're called bullfrogs.

Clerk: What? That's an odd name. I'd have called them "chazzwazzers".

Homer: Hey! Are you like one of those English guards who can't laugh or smile or anything? [makes noises and faces at him and gets punched in the face] OW!

Marine: No, sir! US Marine Corps, sir!

Homer vs. Patty & Selma

Patty: When are you going to wake up and smell your husband, Marge?

Selma: Granted, you got some kids out of him. But when the seeds have been planted, you throw away the envelope.

[Homer's debt to Patty and Selma has been revealed, meaning Homer is no longer bound by agreement to be subservient to his in-laws.]

Marge: Homer, is this projection accurate? Did you borrow money from my sisters?

Homer: I don't know, Marge. I can't be expected to keep track of all wheelings and dealings.

Patty: He blew all your savings on jack-o'-lanterns.

Homer: [gasps] You told!

[Homer throws Patty outside first then accidentally throws Marge by mistake; Homer runs to get Marge into the house.]

Homer: Sorry, Marge. (kiss) [Homer then throws out Selma] I never want to see you again! You either.

Lisa: Hey, Dad. Whatcha doin'?

Homer: Daddy has very important work to do. He's looking through the want ads to find a part-time job.

Lisa: Dad, that's a gag paper we got at the carnival.

Homer: Oh. No wonder I didn't hear about Bart being elected world's greatest sex machine.

[In the gym, almost everyone has signed up for a sport. Bart looks around and sees how late he is. Lisa, Nelson and Milhouse faces him after he arrives in school.]

Bart: Oh, no, it's PE signup day!

Lisa:[in a hockey uniform similar to the one she wore on Apu's team and has an increased interest in hockey] How could you forget? They had signs posted all over the library.

Milhouse: Better sign up for something fast, man. Baseball just filled up [gets kicked by Nelson] --oof!

Nelson: So did Tae Kwon Do.

[as Bart runs away from the school bullies]

Ballet teacher: Use the ballet!

[Bart runs first to the lap running booth, but it's full. It's the same deal with the pushup course. Even "gender issues in sport" is full. Skinner puts a hand on Bart's shoulder.]

Skinner: Heh heh, there's only one class left, but it happens to be the coolest one of all. [ballet]

Bart: Ballet?! Dancing is for girls.

Skinner:[clearly enjoying his revenge on Bart] Well, you should have gotten here earlier.

A Star is Burns

Sherman: First, we have a special guest: Rainer Wolfcastle, star of the reprehensible McBain movies.

Rainier Wolfcastle: Jay, my new film is a mixture of action und comedy. It's called McBain: Let's Get Silly.

[Footage is shown]

McBain: Did you ever notice how men always leave the toilet seat up? [pause] That's the joke.

Audience Member 1: You suck, McBain!

[McBain pulls out an automatic rifle, cocks it and fires random bursts into the crowd]

McBain: Now, my Woody Allen impression. "I'm a neurotic nerd who likes to sleep with little girls."

Audience Member 2: Hey, that really sucked!

[McBain hurls a grenade into the audience]

[Back in the studio]

Wolfcastle: The film is just me in front of a brick wall for an hour and a half. It cost $80 million.

Sherman: [disgusted] How do you sleep at night?

Wolfcastle: On top of a pile of money, with many beautiful ladies.

Sherman: Just asking. Yeesh.

Wolfcastle: Sherman, I just realized you insulted me. Now you will die. [pulls out a machine gun]

Sherman: Hey, nudnik, your shoe's untied.

Wolfcastle: From here they appear to be tied. But I will go in for a closer look.

Sherman: Taxi! To the airport! [drives off]

Wolfcastle: [later in the evening, still staring at his feet] On closer inspection, these are loafers.

(Bart is watching TV)

TV Announcer: Coming up next, The Flintstones Meet The Jetsons.

Bart: Uh-oh. I smell another cheap cartoon crossover.

Homer: [enters] Bart Simpson, meet Jay Sherman, the critic.

Sherman: Hello.

Bart: Hey, man, I really love your show! I think all kids should watch it! [shudders] I suddenly feel so dirty.

(Bart's introduction of his short film)

Bart: Hello, I'm Bart Simpson. In the past, I've brought you such classic films as Homer in the Shower and Homer on the Toilet. And now, I give you, The Eternal Struggle.

Homer: "Relaxed fit," my Aunt Fanny! Stupid Dockers! Oh, the belt is buckled. Heh heh... [struggles more]

Mr. Burns: Get me Steven Spielberg!

Smithers: He's unavailable.

Mr. Burns: Then get me his non-union Mexican equivalent! [shortly afterwards...] Listen, Señor Spielbergo, I want you to do for me what Spielberg did for Oskar Schindler.

Spielbergo: Er, Schindler es bueno, Señor Burns es el diablo.

Mr Burns: Listen, Spielbergo, Schindler and I are like peas in a pod. We're both factory owners, we both made shells for the Nazis, but mine worked, dammit. Now get out there and win me that festival!

[Burns is seated in an auditorium.]

Smithers: Sir, the actors are here to audition for the part of you.

Burns: Excellent.

[Anthony Hopkins is wheeled in restrained a la Hannibal Lecter]

Hopkins: Excellent. [hisses]

Burns: Next!

[William Shatner appears, dressed as Captain Kirk]

Shatner: Ex...cel-lent!

Burns: Next!

Homer: Exactly. Heh, heh... d'oh!

Burns: Next!

Chespirito: Excellente!

Spielbergo: Es muy bueno.

Burns: Oh, it's hopeless. I'll have to play myself.

Moe: Money get ya one more round
Drink it down, you stupid clown
Money get ya one more round
You're out on your ass. [falls behind] Whoa! AHH, MY BACK!!

Homer:[laughing hysterically, but Marge and Jay are clearly displeased] This contest is over! Give that man the $10,000.

Jay: This isn't "America's Funniest Home Videos".

Homer: But... the ball! His groin! Ah ha! It works on so many levels! [laughs more] Roll it again.

[During Barney's tragic movie about his alcoholism: Barney is at an AA meeting in an unidentified room. He stands up]

Barney: My name is Barney, and I'm an alcoholic.

[Cut to reveal that Barney is actually in a Girl Scout troop meeting with Lisa as one of the members]

Lisa: Mr. Gumble, this is a Girl Scout meeting!

Barney: Is it, or is it you girls can't admit you have a problem?

[Everyone booing at Burns' movie]

Burns: Smithers, are they booing me?

Smithers: Uh no, they're saying "Boo-urns! Boo-urns!"

Burns: Are you saying "boo" or "Boo-urns"?

Audience: BOO!!! [throwing at Burns]

Hans Moleman: I was saying "Boo-urns."

Jay Sherman: No Homer, I won't make fun, but I will suggest there may be better things in life than seeing a man get hit in the groin, with a football. (BWOING!!)

Nelson: [offscreen] HA-HA!

Homer: [thinking] 'Hmm... Barney's movie had heart, but "Football in the Groin" had a football in the groin.'

Barney: [on-screen] Don't cry for me, I'm already dead.

Homer: Wow. I'll never drink another beer.

Man: Beer here!

Homer: I'll take ten.

Barney: I've learned that I have a gift to share with the world. From now on, I'll be a new Barnard Gumbel; clean, sober, and hardworking.

Mayor Quimby: Congratulations, Barney, and enjoy your prize - a lifetime supply of Duff Beer.

[the curtains pull back to reveal a Duff Beer tanker truck]

Barney: Just hook it to my veins!

[the truck driver prepares an I.V]

[Six months later at the Academy Awards Show]

Wolfcastle: And the Oscar goes to...

Mr. Burns: I've got to win this one! I bribed everyone in Hollywood.

Wolfcastle: ...George C. Scott in "Man Getting Hit By Football".

[Burns stews in fury, while everyone applauds. A screen shows George C. Scott standing there and a football hitting him in the groin.]

Scott: [doubling over] Aargh! My groin.

Lisa's Wedding

Marge: How are you doing in England? Remember, an elevator is called a lift, a mile is called a kilometer, and botulism is called steak and kidney pie.

Homer: OK, Marge, I'll plan everything: we can have the reception at Moe's. Wait. Why not have the whole wedding there? We'll do it on a Monday morning. There'll be fewer drunks.

Marge: Homer, don't be offended, but I've obtained a court order to prevent you from planning this wedding.

Homer: [looks through the papers of the court order] Well, these seem to be in order. I'll be out back in the hammock.

Homer: So, this driving on the left makes you feel more at home, huh, Hugh?

Hugh: You know, I rather like this pub.

Moe: Oho, an English boy, huh? You know, we saved your ass in World War II.

Hugh: Oh, yeah well, we saved your arse in World War III.

Moe: That's true.

Two Dozen and One Greyhounds

Homer: Aww, so that's wrong with the poor fella. He misses casual sex.

Smithers: Are you sure you want to go through with this, sir? You do have a very full wardrobe as it is.

Mr. Burns: Yes...but not completely full. For you see...

[singing] Some men hunt for sport

Others hunt for food

The only thing I'm hunting for...

is an outfit that looks good

[to the tune "Be Our Guest"]

See...my...vest, see my vest

made from real gorilla chest

See this sweater? There's no better

than authentic Irish Setter

See this hat? 'Twas my cat

My evening wear, vampire bat

These white slippers are albino

African endangered rhino

Grizzly-bear underwear

Turtle's necks I've got my share

Beret of poodle on my noodle it shall rest

Try my red robin suit,

it comes one breast or two

See my vest, see my vest,

See my vest

Like my loafers? Former gophers

It was that or skin my chauffeurs

But a greyhound-fur tuxedo would be best

So, let's prepare these dogs

Old Woman: Kill two for matching clogs

Mr. Burns: See my vest... see my vest

Oh please, won't you see my vest?

[spoken] I really like the vest.

Smithers: I gathered, yeah.

Marge: Okay, you can go out and play, but no more you-know-what in front of the house, all right? [done anyway] Hey! What did I just say?!

The PTA Disbands!

Bart: Krabappel said you would give the teachers anything they wanted.

Principal Skinner: She did?

Bart: Yeah. She said you would fold faster than Superman on laundry day.

Mrs. Krabappel: Seymour, you're being totally unfair and the teachers won't stand for it.

Principal Skinner: Teachers, you don't have the guts to strike!

Mrs. Krabappel: You don't have the guts to takes us on.

[both walk away, Bart emerges from one of the lockers and imitates a chicken clucking, he hides again as Skinner and Krabappel turn to face each other]

Principal Skinner: That's it!

Mrs. Krabappel: STEEEE-RIKE!

[cut to Miss Hoover's classroom, Skinner and Krabappel are heard on the intercom fighting for control of the microphone]

Principal Skinner: [via intercom] Attention, this is an emergency broadcast, all is well within the school. My authority as principal is total... [Krabappel snatches the microphone back from him] No, give me that...

Mrs. Krabappel: [via intercom] Attention teachers, we're on strike. Ha!

[children in Miss Hoover's children begin to mumur in excitement]

Lisa: Oh no, strike?

Ralph: Miss Hoover, are you on...

[Miss Hoover is shown driving off in her car, throwing papers out of it]

Miss Hoover: Go home, children!

Bart: Skinner says the teachers will crack at any minute.

[muttering as the teachers pass the message along; one teacher runs forwards]

Teacher: Skinner says the teachers will crack at any minute, purple monkey dishwasher.

Mrs. Krabappel: Well we'll show him...especially for that "purple monkey dishwasher" comment.

Jasper: Talkin' out of turn.... That's a paddlin'. Lookin' out the window.... That's a paddlin'. Starin' at my sandals.... That's a paddlin'. Paddling the school canoe... Oh, you better believe that's a paddlin'.

[Moe is teaching Bart's class during the teachers' strike]

Moe: OK, when I call your name, uh, you say "present" or "here". Er, no, say "present". Ahem, Anita Bath?

[The kids laugh at him]

Moe: Alright, settle down. Anita Bath here?

[the laughing continues]

Moe: Alright, fine, fine. Maya Buttreeks! [even more laughter] Hey, what are you laughing at? What? Oh, oh, I get it, I get it. It's my big ears, isn't it, Kids? Well, children, I can't help that!

[Moe runs out crying. Bart then crosses Moe's name off a list of substitute teachers. Milhouse is impressed]

Milhouse: Wow, Bart, I'm impressed the way you knocked off all those substitutes.

Bart: In my weaker moments, I almost pity them. Then I just remind myself, they're trying to teach.

[Skinner shows up furious with Bart's class]

Skinner: Well, children, I don't know what you did to all those substitutes, but it's going to stop now. Leopold!

[Vice Superintendent Leopold quickly walks in and intimidates Bart's class.]

Leopold: All right, you listen up, you little "freaks"! The fun stops here: you're going to shut your stinking traps and behave, dammit! This is one substitute you're not going to screw with!

[Martin and Wendell swallow uncomfortably]

Leopold:[pleasantly] ...Marge Simpson!

[Marge happily walks in and Bart swallows uncomfortably.]

Marge: Hi, class! Hi Bart...over here, sweetie. It's me, Mom. Hi! Hey! Hello?

[Bart groans in embarrassment as his class [save for Milhouse] laughs at him.]

[Bart makes his case clear to Marge]

Bart: Look, Mom, it feels really weird having you on my turf. How would you feel if I started mopping the floor?

Marge: I'd be thrilled. You can start right now.

Bart: [angry] D'oh!

Marge: And I'm going to keep teaching your class, like it or lump it.

Bart: Well, then, I guess I'll just have to get into the crawlspace again.

[Bart is disgusted that Marge isn't listening to him about not teaching his class and runs off in the crawlspace to hide from her]

Marge: I hate it when he [Bart] gets in there.

[She pounds the wall with a broom, while Bart refuses to leave.]'

'Round Springfield

[Bart makes his way to the nurse's office and finds Lunchlady Doris picking tongue depressors off the floor.]

Bart: Lunchlady Doris? What are you doing here?

Lunchlady Doris: Budget cuts. They've even got Groundskeeper Willie teaching French.

[Cut to Groundskeeper Willie in French class with a beret on.]

Groundskeeper Willie: Bun-jerrr, you cheese-eatin' surrender monkeys!

Homer: Man, these are primo seats. I could really go for a hotdog.

Marge: Homer, this is an operation!

Vendor: Hotdogs! Get your hotdogs here!

Homer: Woo-hoo!

[Barney walks out of the Detox center into the Retox center]

Barney: Hey Moe, what'll ya give me for an AA chip?

Moe: Uh Barney, this is a 5-minute chip. Eh, it's worth a Pabst.

Homer: Lisa, honey, are you going to be okay?

Lisa: Bleeding Gums was my hero and I never got to tell him how I felt.

Homer: Oh, I'm sure he knew, and I'm sure that wherever he is now, he's happy.

Lisa: But he was the only person that had the same love for music that I do.

[Maggie gives Lisa a pacifier]

Lisa: Thank you. Oh, Dad, why did he have to die?

Homer: Well, it's like the time that your cat Snowball got run over.

Lisa: Uh huh.

Homer: Remember, honey?

Lisa: Yeah.

Homer: What I'm saying is, all we have to do is go down to the pound and get a new jazzman.

Lisa: [wailing] Oh, Dad! [weeps]

Lisa: And I won't rest until all of Springfield knows the name Bleeding Gums Murphy!

Homer: And I won't rest until I've gotten a hotdog.

Marge: Homer, this is a cemetery.

Vendor: Hotdogs! Get your hotdogs here!

Homer: Woo-hoo!

Marge: What do you do, follow my husband around?

Vendor: Lady, he's putting my kids through college.

[Lisa feels sad for the loss of his friend, so Homer tells her]

Homer: Lisa, honey, if you really want to preserve his memory, I recommend getting a tattoo, it preserve the things you love. [Homer looks the tattoo on his arm] "Starland Vocal Band"? They suck!

Abe: [points at birdbath] Deeaaaaath!

[Lisa finds a copy of "Sax on the Beach" at the comic book store. It's $250.]

Lisa: Two-hundred and fifty dollars? But I need that record to honor the memory of Bleeding Gums Murphy!

Comic Book Guy: He's dead? Well, why didn't you say so?

[Comic Book Guy marks out the $250 price tag and writes $500 in its place.]

Murphy: You've made an old jazzman happy, Lisa.

Mufasa: You must avenge my death, Kimba -- I mean, Simba.

Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father.

James Earl Jones: This is CNN.

Murphy: Will you guys pipe down? I'm saying goodbye to Lisa!

Mufasa, Vader and Jones: We're sorry.

The Springfield Connection

[Marge is on the shooting range shooting cardboard cutouts of criminals and not shooting at civilians.]

Chief Wiggum: (Tutting) You missed the baby, the blind man...

Marge: Hello, Mr. Hutz.

Hutz: I'll have you know the contents in that dumpster are private! You stick your nose in, you'll be violating attorney-dumpster confidentiality.

Marge: I just wanted to say hello.

Hutz: Oh. Hello..heh... [Marge walks off; Hutz torches the contents in the dumpster]

Lisa: Mom, I know your intentions are good but aren't the police the protective force that maintains the status quo for the wealthy elite? Don't you think we ought to attack the roots of social problems instead of jamming people into overcrowded prisons?

Marge: [pauses] Look Lisa, it's McGriff, the Crime Dog! [uses a hand puppet] Hey, Lisa, help me bite crime, ruff, ruff!

Homer: Shush, dear. You'll wreck daddy's fun.

Ned: [singing] Bringing in the sheaves, bringing in ... [gasps] Oh, my Lord! Something horrible has happened!

Homer: [uncontrollably laughing] Fooled you, Flanders. Made you think your family was dead!

Lemon of Troy

Bart: Hey, quit saying bad stuff about my town, man!

Shelby: Why don't you make me?

Bart: I don't make trash, I burn it.

Shelby: Then I guess you're a garbage man.

Bart: I know you are, but what am I?

Shelby: A garbage man.

Bart: I know you are, but what am I?

Shelby: A garbage man.

Bart: I know you are, but what am I?

Shelby: A garbage man.

Bart: Takes one to know one!

Database: Checkmate!

Martin: Okay, piglet, start squealing. Where'd you get the lemons for this lemonade?

Boy: Uh...this is Country Time lemonade mix. There's never been anything close to a lemon in it, I swear!

Brother: Hey, nobody hassles my little brother.

Martin: Hey! And no one manhandles the bosom chum of Nelson Muntz! Spring forth, burly protector, and save me!

[After several seconds, Nelson slowly emerges out of hiding from a tree]

Nelson: Aww, geez. I never hang out with him, normally.

[Nelson casually tosses the bully to the side, to the delight of Martin]

Martin: [skips around Nelson] Hark to the tale of Nelson...
And the boy he loved so dear...

[Nelson takes a swing at Martin, but misses]

Martin: They remain the best of friends for years and years and years.

Martin: Aw, a car impound lot: the impenetrable fortress of suburbia!

Milhouse: We'll never get the tree back now.

Bart: Keep your voices down, boys; we didn't come this far to get found out.

Homer: FOUND 'EM! YOU KIDS ARE IN SO MUCH TROUBLE, RUNNING FROM HOME LIKE THAT!

Bart: They stole our lemon tree!

Who Shot Mr. Burns? (Part One)

Superintendent Chalmers: Why is it when I heard the word "school", and the word "exploded", I immediately thought of the word "Skinner"?!

Mr. Burns: Ah, soon that mighty apparatus will burst forth with its precious fluid. Almost sexual, isn't it, Smithers?

Homer: Although he did send us this thank you card.

Lisa: [reading aloud on the card] "Marge, Bart, Lisa and Maggie." Dad, this doesn't have your name on it.

[Homer snatches the card, looks at it, and lowers, his pupils shrinking due to rage as ominous music plays, Bart and Lisa look quite frightened]

Homer: Kids, would you step outside for a second? [Bart and Lisa run off of the room, he stands up, and inhales a gust of air...] F—

[At the church, the organ booms and a flock of birds scatter from the bell tower, the neighbors stunned and look at the Simpson house]

Ned: [from next door; gasps] Dear Lord! That's the loudest profanity I've ever heard!

Mr. Burns: Since the beginning of time, man has yearned to destroy the sun. I will do the next best thing: block it out.

[He presses yet another button, raising a shield over the model town which blots out the sunlight]

Smithers: [horrified] Good God!

Mr. Burns: Imagine it, Smithers: electrical lights and heaters running all day long.

Smithers: But sir, every plant and tree will die. Owls will deafen us with incessant hooting. The town's sundial will be useless. I don't want any part of this project, it's unconscionably fiendish.

Mr. Burns: [gasps] I will not suffer this insubordination. There has been a shocking decline in the quantity and quality of your toadying, Waylon - and you will fall into line. Now!

Smithers: ...No. No Monty, I won't. Not until you step back from the brink of insanity.

Mr. Burns: I'll do no such thing! You're fired!

[Smithers leaves, dejected. Mr. Burns laughs evilly to himself and stomps through the scale model of the town like a giant monster.]

Mr. Burns: Take that, Bowl-A-Rama! Take that, convenience mart! Take that, Nuclear Power Pl... Oh, fiddlesticks.

[Moe's tavern is completely full of black smoke from Mr. Burns's oil well and everyone inside is getting sick]

Barney: These fumes aren't as fun as beer. Sure I'm dizzy and nauseous, but where is the inflated sense of self-esteem? [a barfly babbles indistinctly, collapses]

Moe: Hey, if you guys are getting get loaded off them fumes, I'm gonna have to charge ya. [a man and a woman in chemical suits come in]

Man: Man alive! There are..men alive in here.

Woman: I'm detecting over 20 different toxins in the air. [Barney burps. The meter rapidly beeps]

Man: Alright, everybody out! As long as Burns is pumping oil, this bar is closed.

Moe: Damn Burns. Let me just get one thing. [grabs under and cocks shotgun and leaves]

Barney: Me too. [grabs pistol from under bar stool] Ahh! Now, there's the inflated sense of self-esteem.

Dr. Hibbert: Well, I couldn't possibly solve this mystery. Can you?

[points at viewer as if he's breaking the fourth wall; camera zooms out to reveal he's actually pointing at Chief Wiggum]

Chief Wiggum: Yeah, I'll give it a shot. I mean, it's my job, right?

TO BE CONTINUED...