The Simpsons/Season 24

season of television series

The Simpsons: Seasons: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 | Movie Crank calls

The Simpsons (1989–present) is an American animated sitcom broadcast by the Fox Broadcasting Company created by Matt Groening. The series is a satirical depiction of American life, epitomized by the Simpson family.

Marge: Just once I'd like your father to be on a Jumbotron for something good.

Homer: You've learned a very valuable life lesson, boy. Which is that love doesn't exist except briefly between a man and a woman before marriage. After that, it's just hanging out with someone who kinda hates you, but you can't get it together to leave.

Bart: Come on, Dad. You love New York, now that your two least favorite buildings have been obliterated: Old Penn Station and Shea stadium.

Moe: If the late great Nora Ephron taught us anything, it's that - oh, what's my other inflatable doll doing here?!?
Bart: Now to get my comic book and explore a world where no one's mad at George Lucas.

Bart: It's Homer before his boobs came in.

Homer: Awww, sweetie, sometimes a mysterious invisible being from hell waits for a family to go to sleep then kills them. Now, go to bed.

Homer: A black hole...(whispering) I'm sorry, can we call it that?

Homer: Come on, you can't look at that infinitely dense little guy and not want to feed it something.

Frink: Oh my God, Particle!

Moe: Man, soccer's even boring for the ball.

Satan-Moe: (reacting to Homer giving oral sex to him which is censored by a blanket on the camera) Ohhh yea-- Cinnamooooon cinamon CINAMOOOOON!
The Rich Texan: Stopping all Americans from voting is for the protection of all Americans.

Homer: Marge, I was just being a good husband by pretending to agree with you while secretly undermining your agenda.

Bart: Oh no, Lisa's face! It's the same.

Lisa: I hope you're happy. You all just wasted your time working your way into an after school class. Bart, Milhouse, Nelson, and Ralph: Aahhh!

Homer: Geez. I mean I'm no Luis Guzmán, but I'm alright.
Homer: Wait, the frog in the trench coat is Kermit too.
Lenny: All the frogs in that show are Kermit. Keeps all the other frog actors out of work.

Moe: Hey, don't you badmouth this country. Compared to the rest of the third-world, we're doing great.

Homer: That's one way to avoid drunk driving.
Marge: Another way is don't drink.
Homer: I'm not Superman.

Homer: And I don't think you're boring. It's just that in today's multi-channel environment you have too many choices. Look at Sunday night! There's like eight amazing shows, none of them on Fox.

Homer: Happy Anni...birth...tine's...shark week?
Lisa: But I promised Paul McCartney I wouldn't eat meat.
Lunchlady Doris: And I promised Paul McCartney I wouldn't sleep with John.

Dan: Fat Tony, a word?
Fat Tony: How about meringue?
Dan: That's a great word.

Fat Tony: We are bleeding red ink, which is the only thing we should not be bleeding.

Homer: [saddened] Oh, what I wouldn't give for an anvil to fall on me. [an anvil falls on him] D'oh!

Dan: How do you keep finding me?
Homer: You really should tweet less.
Dan: But everyone deserves to know what I'm thinking all the time.
Homer: A paper-based read-a-ma-jig? What are we, cavemen?

Lisa: Willie, I love your chaps.
Willie: Me pants are ripped out!

Marge: I don't care for silent auctions. It just encourages hovering.

Homer: Free Tibet! You heard me, free him now!

Homer: "Hope"? Is this one of those coincidences, like Jesus on a tortilla or George Washington on a dollar bill?
T-Rex: T.V.? We don't own a T.V.
Lisa: I didn't know that was an option.

Homer: No one judges my wife's thunder bags.

Homer: Wearing scarves in non-scarf weather is the essence of cool.

Marge: The kids are a mess. You brought them home exhausted and pretentious.

Marge: You're all bald.
Homer: No, I'm young person cool-bald. Not old person sad-bald.

Terrence: You know there are now restaurants there with two locations. Not near my kids.

Homer: Beat it, ducks! I'm not old enough to have food for you. I'm sexy. Young and sexy!
Burns: I insist you never wear shoes or a proper necktie again. Just house slippers and the most humiliating tie there is - bolo.

Herman: God closes a door, he opens a gunshot.

Homer: Well, that's just how dogs are. The most disloyal, unfaithful creatures God ever made.

Grampa: Unfortunately, like all true stories, this one has a crappy ending.
Bart: You have a story with an ending.

Bart: He's alive!
Marge: And he didn't pee on the floor.
Grampa: For me, that's a perfect day.

Lisa: I love that dog...but that is one long, stupid name.

Homer: That's right, your lord sticks his hand in his pants. And yes, it is the same hand I tapped you with.
Homer: Listen, I gotta know. You're not just being nice to me because, in a pinch, you could make candles from my fat.
Lloyd: Well, that is a big part of it.
Homer: It's okay. I know what I am.

Homer: Do not question the wisdom of Tom Skerritt.

Moe: Well, Homer's gone. Let's all go into our suspended state 'til he gets back.

Homer: If Jesus had a gun, He'd be alive today.

Homer: Marge, this is it. TEOTWAWKI.
Marge: The end of the world as we know it?!?

Homer: I guess despite all our so-called civilization, anarchy lurks around every corner like a racially diverse street gang on a network cop show.

Bart: Dad, what would you do if you got my ear in the mail?
Homer: I don't know; feed it to the dog.
Bart: You'd have to wrap cheese around it.
Homer: Don't you tell me how to feed you to the dog!

Fun Center Supervisor (on her cell phone): I hate working here. At least at Krusty Burger, you can burn yourself and go home.
Bart: Looks like Mr. Vanilla just grew some chocolate chips.
Seymour: Save your analogies for the analogy portion of the exam.

Lisa: So how's the studying going?
Bart: When I start, I'll tell you. (lies down on the bed)
Lisa: (sensually obsolete) This is the most selfish thing you've ever done! You're letting your friends go hang because you are lazy, and selfish-- (Bart closes his eyes slowly) hey, are you falling asleep just to spite me?

Lisa: Spinach Farm, huh? You talk in your sleep!
Bart: Lisa, I want to pass the test, but I need your help and I had all sorts of problems. Lack of attention, I'm afraid of ovals, I only know 24 letters-- (Lisa closes her eyes that Bart done earlier) don't you fall asleep on me!

Lisa: Well, Bart. I hope you're happy. All my extra credits are like frequent flyer miles on a bankrupt airline.

Chalmers: I hate waiting. That's why I hate risotto.
Skinner: Even mushroom risotto?
Chalmers: What do you think?!?

Mrs. Krabappel-Flanders: We got hired at this school to escape accountability. Who's gonna hire a hire a lunchlady who's been accused of murdering her husband?
Lunchlady Doris: Never convicted. They couldn't find the body. Anyone care for some chicken Pete pie?

Homer: When I found out shrimp cocktails had no alcohol, I really lost interest.
Homer: Like all childless couples, they troll the beaches waiting for the egg-layers to wander off from their young.

Homer: Worry-wart Marge. You don't look a Trojan horse in the mouth.

Bart: All you need to know is that I'm a politeness monster who eats "pleases" and farts "thank yous", ma'am.
Lisa: I'm exactly the kind of kid he's pretending to be.

Marge: I think I hear a slight accent.
Woman: Mid-Atlantic.
Marge: *gasp* That's where they filmed The Wire! Step on it!

Homer: What women really want is a guy who's confident enough to go completely downhill after marriage and know she'll still love him.

Cletus: Anything new that wanders into this house ends up in the stew pot.
GPS: Switching to male voice, so you will obey.
Homer: Finally, a supervisor!

Mary: [singing] There ain't not never no place none better than home. Count the negatives, it all works out.

Bart: You got star quality, like the Hulk in movies other than The Hulk.

Milhouse: I can't wait to use your moves on Lisa.
Lisa: Eww. On every level, eww.

Bart: I'll be more attentive to your needs on the seesaw. I'll stay down there as long as you want.
Homer: "Spot the hidden objects." Boy, you're pretty pushy for a book I just met.

(after Marge tells them that she's banning TV from the house)

Homer: Honey, this sounds like a noble experiment, but like Prohibition, it will end in a hail of bullets.

Bart: That's the way people talk about Ralph. Ralph, whose favorite color is peanut butter.

Homer: (to Kuddle on the tablet) If I might you, why do I need all these books?

(Homer is watching Maggie's Baby Poindexter DVDs)

Bart: Dad, what are you watching?
Homer: I think it's a Terrence Malick movie.

Homer: We're taking Maggie to the bookstore, so she can learn the way kids did from 1910 to 2002.
Bart: (to Lisa) Your father wasted his life his whole life being married to your mother and having you. We got to find him a boyfriend before it's too late.
Lisa: Why don't you put a personal ad on the Internet? That's how young people date these days.
Bart: It's weird that you don't consider yourself a young person.
Lisa: I know. It's weird to me too.

Grampa: I don't ride side-saddle. I'm as straight as a submarine.

Burns: Hello, Smithers. Fancy seeing you in casual encounter park.

Homer: Oh, my gay dad is gay for gays.

Homer: Writing is for bathroom walls and acting is for getting out of DUIs.
Hibbert: You may never see a film in 3D again. (chuckles)
Homer: But the storytelling is finally catching up to the technology.

Lisa: Why does someone become a bully?
Jimbo: Neglect.
Dolph: Abuse.
Kearney: I'm a Cubs fan.

Ned: (after seeing a weird church in the devilish cave) No, not Surf n Murf!

Edna: I know you feel guilty about about cold-cocking Homer.
Ned: Please don't use that word in bed.

Ned: I want you to punch me in the eye. If you do, then we're even according to Exodus, Leviticus, and Matthew.
Homer: You went and hired a law firm, eh. That's pretty aggressive.

Ned: Come on, Homer. I'm insisting on a fisting.
Smithers: What's this about a fisting?

(Ned comes home and finds his parents and Homer smoking marijuana and watching TV)

Ned: Homer, I can't believe you're partaking with my parents.
Homer: Yeah, it's medicinal; we had a pain in our neck!
Burns: How much for your entire collection?
Comic Book Guy: Um, the speed of light expressed in dollars.
Burns: [to Smithers] Just give him Faraday's constant.

Martin: Who could have shoved eggs up our brass?

Cletus: Egg don't belong in a chicken's eye. It belongs in her pee-poo-birth-hole.

Lisa: Bart must not be judged by these kids. But by a jury...of kids, mostly these kids...there's only so many kids.

Bart: Pass the gravy, Gloria All-Wrong.
Homer: Listen, we swore we'd never go to sleep angry at each other.
Marge: I'm not going to sleep.
Homer: Well, you didn't have two beers with your lunch.

Homer: Marge, I thought this was an innocuous lunch, but it's become terribly ocuous.

Marge: The most romantic part of this was the hold music when I made the reservation.

Waiter: I hope you are enjoying your sushi.
Marge: It's as yummy as your poorly produced local commercial says.
Homer: Well, I'm not one for taking new jobs on a whim. But as we say in the snow plow business, I'm your astronaut.

Helen: Why won't someone blame the children?

Moe: Bring out your beds. Bring out your beds.

Homer: Boy, why are your friends so dirty?
Bart: Dunno. Why are your friends such drunks?
Homer: Touche.

Homer: Hehehe, the brain is so stupid.

Lenny: (as the frog licks his own eyeball) Ow! He took my contact. (the frog licks his own eyeball again) Ow! Now I got two in own eye.
(Everyone started panicking about frogs.)
Moe: Remember you said when hell freezes over? I think this is close enough.
Lindsay: Huh, I'm in no position to argue.
Milhouse: Did you ever wonder if hippopotamuses think that rhinos are unicorns?

Homer: My head hairs! I'm bald!

Moe: There's sexy bald like...uh...Babar, king of the elephants. I read his books as a kid. He married his cousin Celeste. That was my takeaway.

Martin: Let me go. I have a swim lesson with a gorgeous lifeguard.
Dolph: What gender?
Martin: You're not allowed to ask.

Homer: We don't get together to share our emotions. We get together to escape them!

Carl: Why don't we talk about it over at Moe's?
Homer: It's not even noon.
Carl: Yeah, I got a watch, egghead.
Homer: Sorry, Carl, it's WWII all over again. America kicks Iceland's ass.

Homer: And I'm 69 because people always laugh when you say "69." Hehe, no one knows why.

Homer: [realizes the pop-up ad "Ki-Yah! Karate Monsters"] What the? Change the channel? But I'm watching soft core tennis!

Moe: Yeah, I always go with three, the number of brothers and sisters I, uh, Hunger Gamed in the womb.

Patty: So, now you're going to get hit on by ever loser in town.
Selma: And this town has losers like Mexico has headless corpses.
Homer: Hey, those Yelp reviews don't write themselves. Did you know a well-placed one-star could destroy a "Mom and Pop" hardware in nothing flat?

Homer: Just call me Borders Books 'cause I'll always be here.

Ben: Accidental motherhood is the best thing that can happen to a woman.

Ben: Whoa!, A is for apple, right?
Wikipedia has an article about: