South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut

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South Park: Seasons: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 | Bigger, Longer & Uncut | Specials: The Streaming Wars, Joining the Panderverse, (Not Suitable for Children), The End of Obesity

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South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut is a 1999 adult animated musical comedy film American film based on the animated television series South Park.

Directed by Trey Parker. Written by Trey Parker, Matt Stone and Pam Brady.

Warning: This movie will warp your fragile little minds.taglines

Dialogue

Carol: Where do you think you're goinnnnnnnnnnnnnng?

Kenny: [muffled] I'm going to see the Terrance and Phillip movie.

Carol: You can't, you have to go to church.

Kenny: [muffled] But Mom, I really wanna see the movie!

Carol: Well, fine. You go ahead and miss church, and then when you die and go to Hell, you can answer to Satan!!!

Kenny: [muffled] Okay!

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[at South Park Elementary, the class sings "Uncle Fucka". Then Mr. Garrison enters and the class stops singing.]

Mr. Garrison: [as Mr. Hat] Okay, children, let's take our seats. We have a lot to learn today. [normal voice] We sure do, Mr. Hat. Okay, children, let's start the day with a few new math problems. What is five times two? Come on children, don't be shy. Just give it your best shot. [Clyde raises his hand] Yes, Clyde?

Clyde: Twelve.

Mr. Garrison: Okay. Now let's try to get an answer from someone who's not a complete retard. Anyone? Come on, don't be shy.

Kyle: I think I know the answer, Mr. Garrison. [Cartman mocks Kyle in a high-pitched, gibberish voice] SHUT UP, FAT BOY!

Cartman: AY! DON'T CALL ME FAT, YA FUCKIN' JEW!

Mr. Garrison: Eric, did you just say the F-word?

Cartman: Jew?

Kyle: No, he's talking about "fuck". You can't say "fuck" in school, you fuckin’ fat ass!

Mr. Garrison: Kyle!

Cartman: Why the fuck not?

Mr. Garrison: Eric!

Stan: Dude, you just said "fuck" again!

Mr. Garrison: Stanley!

Kenny: [muffled] Fuck.

Mr. Garrison: Kenny!

Cartman: What's the big deal? It doesn't hurt anybody. Fuck, fuckity-fuck-fuck-fuck.

Mr. Garrison: How would you like to go see the school counselor?

Cartman: How would you like to suck my balls?

[everyone gasps in shock]

Mr. Garrison: [outraged] WHAT DID YOU SAY?!!

Cartman: Oh, I-I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Actually, what I said was: [picks up a megaphone and clears throat] "How would you like to suck my balls, Mr. Garrison?"

[Garrison stands rooted to the spot, furiously speechless]

Stan: Holy shit, dude.

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Chef: Hello there, children!

Boys: Hey, Chef.

Chef: How's it going?

Boys: Bad.

Chef: Why bad?

Kyle: We got busted for swearing. Our moms said we can't ever see the Terrence and Phillip movie again as a reward.

Chef: Oh, that's too bad.

Cartman: You should have seen Kyle when his mom showed up; he was scared out of his mind. [laughs]

Kyle: Shut up, Cartman!

Cartman: No, dude. I'd be scared, too. Your mom's a fuckin' bitch.

Kyle: DON'T CALL MY MOM A BITCH, YOU FAT FUCK!

Cartman: DON'T CALL ME "FAT", YOU BUTT-FUCKIN' SON-OF-A-BITCH!!!!!!!!!!

Chef: Whoa, children! When did you learn to talk like that?

Cartman: [While he, Kyle and Kenny are leaving Stan with Chef] It's pretty fuckin' sweet, huh?

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Canadian Ambassador: As the Canadian Ambassador, I hereby condemn the actions taken by America in apprehending Terrance and Phillip. As you can see from this graph, [shows a pie graph in which Terrance and Phillip have been allotted almost half] the entire economy of Canada relies on Terrance and Phillip. Without them, we are doomed to recession!

Head of the UN: What say you, Mr. American Ambassador?

American Ambassador: [he stands up and straightens his tie, and flips the Canadian ambassador off] Fuck Canada!

Canadian Ambassador: [responds with left fist in right elbow, and upraised right forearm] Hey, fuck you, buddy!

American Ambassador: Terrance and Phillip will not be released, they are going to be put on trial for corrupting America's youth. We don't know what all the fuss is about.

Canadian Ambassador: The fuss is aboot taking our citizens! It's aboot not censoring our art! It's aboot-- [the American delegation begins to crack up] It's aboot-- [he scans the room] What's so Goddamn funny?!

American Ambassador: [recovering] N-nothing, nothing. Uh, could you tell us again what your argument is all about?

Minster: This is not aboot diplomacy, this is aboot dignity. [the American delegates chuckle] This is aboot respect. This is about realizing that humor is-- [the American delegation cracks up again]

Canadian Ambassador: You guys are dicks! Release Terrance and Phillip, or we'll give you something to cry aboot! [the American delegates are laughing so hard they begin falling off their chairs]

American Delegate: Stop! Stop! [falls down]

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[Cartman sees Kenny’s ghost and Liane comes into his room]

Liane: Eric, what is it?

Cartman: I saw him, I saw Kenny!

Liane: Oh, you poor dear. You've been through so much. [strokes Cartman]

Cartman: I bet him he couldn't light a fart on fire and now he's all pissed off! [gets shocked by the V-chip] Aaggh! Hey, I can't say "pissed off"? [gets shocked again] Aaggh!

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Kyle: You're late, Cartman!

Cartman: [rubbing his rear] I had to ride my bike here. My behind is killing me.

Kyle: Your behind?

Cartman: I have to say "behind", 'cause I get shocked if I say "ass". [gets shocked by the V-chip] Ow!

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Shelly: All right, you turds, listen up! Your moms are away at a meeting, so they put me in charge of you. But you're still grounded, so you're not allowed to have any fun. Any questions?

Stan: Shelly, where's the clitoris?

[Shelly picks up a chair and hits Stan over the head with it, outraged about what he just said]

Shelly: Now you all just sit there and keep your mouths shut while I go listen to my Britney Spears records. [opens & closes the door]

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Stan: We're "La Resistance". We wanna save Terrance and Phillip and stop the war and stuff.

The Mole: I can't help you. I'm grounded to my room for the next three days.

Kyle: So are we. Our parents think we're home right now.

Stan: Why are you grounded?

The Mole: Why? Because God hates me. He has made my life miserable, so I call him a cocksucking asshole, then I get grounded.

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Terrance: Want to see the northern lights?

[Lights his fart on fire and burns up]

Phillip: You burned yourself to death by lighting your fart.

Terrance: I sure did, Phillip.

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[Phillip farts, sending Terrance flying through the air]

Terrance: Good one, Phillip!

Phillip: Cheers, fuck-face.

Conan O'Brien: Guys, you can't say that on TV.

Phillip: Now Terrance smells like my ass!

Brooke Shields: I farted once on the set of [The] Blue Lagoon!

[silence; Terrance slaps her]

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[at a spelling bee]

Teacher: All right, this is for the silver medal. Spell "forensics".

Boy: Ah, fuck that! Why should I have to fucking spell "forensics"?

Kids: Yeah!

Boy: Here you go! [writes on the blackboard] S-U-C-K M-Y A-S-S. Forensics.

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William "Billy" Baldwin: [answers the phone] Baldwin residence. No, this is Billy Baldwin! If you want Daniel Baldwin, call his extension, stupid! [hangs up phone] Hey, Alec, do you know what sucks about being a Baldwin?

Alec Baldwin: No. What?

William "Billy" Baldwin: Nothing! Yeah!

[Canadian jet fighters bomb the Baldwin residence, leaving only Billy alive]

William "Billy" Baldwin: Ha-ha! You missed me! [a single fighter returns and bombs him.]

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Saddam Hussein: Oh, boy! I'm so excited! Just one more day until we take over the world! I don't know if I can sleep, if you know what I mean.

Satan: [reading "Saddam Hussein is From Mars, Satan is From Venus"] This book is really interesting. It explains how people communicate differently, like how I communicate by wanting you to ask me questions, and then you--

Saddam Hussein: Hey, that is interesting! Let's fuck!

Satan: [disgusted] Saddam! I'm trying to have a nice conversation with you!

Saddam Hussein: [pulls out a fake dildo from under the covers] Hey, Satan!

Satan: Oh! N-Now that is just not appropriate!

Saddam Hussein: Oh, come on, I'm just fucking with you, it's not real! [throws the fake dildo away]

Satan: Oh, well, that's still not appropriate.

Saddam Hussein: [pulls out another fake dildo] Hey, Satan--

Satan: Ah!

Saddam Hussein: Hey, [throws the other fake dildo away] it's not real either! Come on, guy!

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General Plymkin: Battalion 5, raise your hands. [Battalion 5, made up entirely of African-Americans, including Chef, does so] You will be the all important first attack wave, which we will call "Operation: Human Shield".

Chef: [outraged] Hey, wait a minute!

General Plymkin: Now keep in mind Operation: Human Shield will suffer heavy losses. Battalion 14? [Battalion 14, comprised entirely of Caucasians, raises their hands] Right, you are "Operation: Get Behind the Darkies". You will follow Battalion 5 here, and try not to get killed for God's sake! Are there any questions, men? [Chef raises his hand] Yes, soldier?

Chef: Have you ever heard of the Emancipation Proclamation?

General Plymkin: I don't listen to hip-hop. After that, we will march into the heart of Canada, and we will-- [map begins wigging out, Saddam's visage begins to take over the hologram]

Saddam Hussein: [tauntingly] Comin' to get ya. Comin' to get ya.

General Plymkin: What's wrong with this thing? [hologram shorts out] Fucking Windows 98! Get Bill Gates in here! [Gates enters via soldiers] You told us Windows '98 would be faster and more efficient, with better access to the Internet!

Bill Gates: It is faster, over five million-- [the General shoots Gates in the face]

General Plymkin: All right, men! Get lots of rest, and prepare to fight the Canadian scum! [soldiers cheer]

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Cartman: [he, Kyle and Stan walk up to Kenny's corpse] I bet him he couldn't do it. I bet him $100.

Kyle: Come on, Cartman, it's not your fault.

Cartman: No, I know. I'm just fuckin’ stoked I don't have to pay him.

Kyle: [angrily and sarcastically] Oh, that's real nice! He was your friend, you fat fuck!

[the boys' mothers barge into the ER.]

Sheila: So, boys, you saw that movie again?

Boys: [miserably] Yes.

Sheila: Well, Kyle, I have had it! You are grounded for the next two weeks!

[the boys gasp in horror]

Kyle: [shocked] Grounded?

Sharon: And you, Stan, come on. [Stan exits, and the other two follow]

Liane: And you're grounded for three weeks, Eric.

Cartman: 'EY, WHY AM I GROUNDED MORE?! THAT'S FUCKING BULLSHIT!

Sheila: W-W-WHAT?! What was that word, young man?!

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Dr. Vosknocker: The machinery of the V-Chip is very simple. It is placed under the child's skin where it emits a small shock of electricity whenever an obscenity is uttered.

Randy: Now, uh, wait a minute. This chip somehow knows if the child is swearing?

Dr. Vosknocker: It's just like a lie detector, you see? Certain things happen to you when you swear, just like when you lie. The chip picks up on this, and gives the subject a little prick. [to Cartman] Patient B-5, would you step out here, please? [Cartman comes out.] Patient B-5 here has been fitted with the new V-Chip.

Cartman: [rubs his head in pain] Oh, my head hurts.

Dr. Vosknocker: Don't worry about that. Now, I want you to say "doggy".

Cartman: [nonchalantly] Doggy.

Dr. Vosknocker: [to parents] Notice that nothing happens. [to Cartman] Now say "Montana".

Cartman: Montana.

Dr. Vosknocker: Good. Now "pillow".

Cartman: Pillow.

Dr. Vosknocker: All right, now I want you to say "horse fucker".

[Cartman hesitates]

Liane: Go ahead, Eric. It's all right.

Cartman: Horse fu-- [gets shocked] 'AAAH!!' Yiii!! [crowd gasps] That hurt, Godda-- [gets shocked] AIII! OW! Fuck! [gets shocked] Aghh!!

Dr. Vosknocker: Now I'd like you to say, "Big Floppy Donkey Dick".

Cartman: [angrily] NO!

Dr. Vosknocker: Success! The child doesn't want to swear!

Cartman: [angrily] This isn't fair, you sons of bitches! [gets shocked repeatedly, and screams in pain]

Sheila: We will start putting V-Chips in all our children next week!

[audience cheers]

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Sharon: [worried] My God. This is terrible!

Sheila: [proudly] This is what we wanted! We wanted our children to be brought up in a smut-free environment!

Sharon: But we didn't want this!

[the moms walk out]

Sheila: Where are you going?

Sharon: [angrily] We're going to find our boys! For God's sake, Sheila, we're going to get them killed!

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Kenny: [muffled] Satan, you've got to do something!

Satan: [sadly] I can't.

Saddam Hussein: Let's start by building a big statue of me, right over there where that fat kid is standing.

Cartman: [angrily] Hey! Don't call me fat, butt-fucker!

[He shoots pent-up electrical charges out of his fingers, which sends a demon flying into a rock. Cartman suddenly gets an idea and smiles]

Kyle: Yeah, Cartman. Do it!

Cartman: DAMN, SHIT! RESPECT MY FUCKING AUTHORITAH!

[Shoots electricity at Saddam Hussein, attacking him]

Saddam Hussein: [getting electrocuted] Aaggh!

Cartman: Yes!

Saddam Hussein: Hey, you need to watch your mouth, brat.

Cartman: DOG-SHIT TACO! [attacks Saddam Hussein more, much to everyone's surprise]

Saddam: [gets electrocuted] AAAHH! [falls back on the snow and bounces.] Quick, Satan, do something!

Cartman: Try this on for size. [inhales deeply] BLOOD-DRENCHED FROZEN TAMPON POPSICLE!

[Attacks Saddam Hussein more]

Saddam Hussein: Hey, buddy! I know I was mean before, but don't worry; I can change!

Satan: [in shock] Oh!

Cartman: Okay. [Saddam Hussein smiles evilly, people gasp in horror] Not! [takes a deep breath] FUCK, SHIT, COCK, ASS, TITTIES, BONER, BITCH, MUFF, PUSSY, CUNT, BUTTHOLE, BARBRA STREISAND!! [shoots electricity at Saddam Hussein, who is flown into a rock and severely electrocuted]

Saddam Hussein: [howls in pain, but amid the howls as Satan is horrified] Relax, guy! [To Satan] What are you waiting for, bitch? Destroy him! [Cartman gets scared] Come on, you weak, stupid cum-bucket! Save me!

Satan: [angrily] THAT'S IT! [Picks up Saddam Hussein] I HAVE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU!

[He throws Saddam Hussein back into Hell]

Saddam Hussein: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!! HEY, GUY! RELAAAAAAAAX!!!! [Saddam Hussein is impaled on a rock, and sighs in agony]

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[last line; in the post-credits scene]

Ike: [sees the mouse in the attic] Guys out there is "hurted." [eats the mouse.]

Taglines

• All Hell Breaks Loose
• Uh oh.
• It's not just another day in the park.
• Uh-Oh, The Critics Love It!

Cast

• Trey Parker – Eric Cartman/Stan Marsh/Mr. Garrison/Mr. Mackey/Randy Marsh/Ned Gerblanski/Army General/Bombadiers/Canadian Ambassador/Theatre Clerk/Phillip/Satan
• Matt Stone – Kyle Broflovski/Kenny McCormick/Saddam Hussein/Gerald Broflovski/Bill Gates/Jimbo Kearn/Terrance
• Mary Kay Bergman – Liane Cartman/Sheila Broflovski/Sharon Marsh/Wendy Testaburger/Clitoris
• Isaac Hayes – Chef (voice)
• Jesse Howell – Ike Broflovski (voice)
• Anthony Cross-Thomas – Ike Broflovski (voice)
• Franchesca Clifford – Ike Broflovski (voice)
• Jennifer Howell – Bebe Stevens (voice)
• George Clooney – Dr. Gouache/Dr. Doctor (voice)
• Brent Spiner – Conan O'Brien (voice)
• Minnie Driver – Brooke Shields (voice)
• Dave Foley – The Baldwin Brothers (voice)
• Eric Idle – Dr. Vosknocker (voice)

External links

• South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut quotes at the Internet Movie Database
• South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut at Rotten Tomatoes