South Park/Season 24

season of television series

South Park: Seasons: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 | Bigger, Longer & Uncut | Specials: The Streaming Wars, Joining the Panderverse, (Not Suitable for Children), The End of Obesity

South Park (1997–present) is an adult animated television series created by Trey Parker and Matt Stone. Distributed by and airing on Comedy Central, it follows the surreal adventures of four young boys who live in the small town of South Park, Colorado.

The Pandemic Special [24.01] edit

Butters: Hey, Dad, do you think maybe we could go to Build-A-Bear today?
Stephen: Butters, for the last time, you can't go to Build-A-Bear.
Butters: But, they said they're open again, so I--
Stephen: Yes, they're open, but we are not the Johnsons, and we do not go to non-essential businesses when it's non-essential! Hey, do you people mind?! You're supposed to wear your mask over your nose. Looks like you're wearing a diaper for your chin. Chin diapers don't help.

Sharon: A pandemic special, Randy? Really?
Randy: What?
Sharon: People are hurting! People are dying, Randy! And all you can think about is make a special about it?
Randy: I'm doing something positive to try and help. People really needs this right now.
Sharon: You're a child, Randy!

[Mr. Mackey is in his home office on a Zoom meeting with the parents]
Mr. Mackey: M'kay, welcome, parents, to this all-school town meeting to talk about how we're gonna get your kids back into the classroom. Can everyone hear me okay? [the parents all replying] Okay, well, parents, we've made some amazing adjustments and hirings, m'kay? We believe we can welcome students back on Monday. M'kay?
Sheila: How are you going to do this?
Stephen: Yeah, what happens when my son is sitting in a room with Craig Tucker, whose father doesn't even wear a mask outside?
Thomas: Oh, here we fucking go again. Stop mask shaming, Stotch!
Stephen: Well, it's really not a mask if you wear it down around your chin. That's a chin diaper.
Thomas: There's no real proof that a mask even fuckin' does anything!
Stephen: Spoken like a true redneck.
Carol: Oh, fuck you!
[The parents all start talking over each other in annoyed anger]
Mr. Mackey: Okay. Okay, everyone. Alright. [presses a key on his computer keyboard silence muting everyone] Mmkay! I just muted everybody! Okay! Now, if we don't get along, I'll just sit here with you all on mute! Okay, now let's try this again. [presses a key, unmuting everyone]
Ms. Tweak: I saw Wendy's mother not wearing a mask in the changing room at Ross.
Mrs. Testaburger: The fuck are you doing spying on me in the changing room?!
Mr. Mackey: Okay! BOOM! [mute silences everyone again] You're all muted! M'kay? I can do this all day! Now, we've made changes at the school, and we feel prepared to welcome your students back! [Roger raises his hand] Mr. Donovan.
Roger: I don't care what changes you've made. My son Clyde is not going to class.
Mr. Mackey: And that is your prerogative. Mute. Uhkay, Mrs. Marsh.
Sharon: I thought that the issue was the teachers not coming back.
Mr. Mackey: That is correct. Our teaching staff does not feel safe to return, but… we have hired all new teachers, m'kay? These are people who have recently lost their jobs due to recent events and are desperate for work. Uhkay, so they'll do just about anything.
Stephen: What new teachers?

Det. Yates: Alright, students, listen up. I know this situation is not ideal, but we all have to quarantine together for two weeks.
Cartman: This is bullshit!
Det. Harris: You don't want to infect your families, do you? You were all exposed to a student here who was taken to the hospital due to COVID. [Stan raises his hand up] Yes?
Stan: Uh, we were there, and Token was actually taken to the hospital because you guys shot him.
Det. Harris: Yes, due to COVID. If it weren't for COVID, all the previous teachers would have still been here, we wouldn't have been in the class, and nobody would have gotten shot. Therefore, the young man is in the hospital due to COVID.
Officer: It was COVID-related.
Stan: That doesn’t make any sense!

Sharon: Randy? Where are the car keys? Randy!
Randy: [wakes up] Huh? Uh, what? What?
Sharon Where are the car keys?
Randy They're probably in my pants pocket. Why?
Sharon I have to get over to the hospital.
Randy The hospital? For what?
Sharon: It's Jimbo. Doctor said he's better, so I can take him home.
Randy: Jimbo's better?
Sharon: They said he doesn't have any symptoms, and his tests are showing negative.
Randy: [realizes his DNA has cured Jimbo] Holy shit.

Stan: Kyle, I need to talk to you.
Kyle: Hey, dude.
Stan: I'm really worried. About Butters. I think he's sick.
Kyle: You think he got the virus?
Stan: No! It's all the other stuff. The isolation and the uncertainty. I'm just really worried what all the stuff around COVID is doing to some kids. You know, not every kid is like us. There's some kids who really can't take it anymore!
Kyle: I know, this bullshit sucks. But Butters will be okay.
Stan: And what if he's not? What if Butters is actually starting to lose his mind? What if he feels his body shutting down right now?
Kyle: You really think it's that bad?

Sharon: [comes out of the house] Randy? Randy!
Randy: Just… what?!
Sharon: Randy, you gotta get in here!
Randy: I'm doing something important, Sharon! People need this right now!
Sharon: Come upstairs, something's wrong with Jimbo! [Randy enters holding his crotch as he limps] He'd just been sleeping for days. [puts her mask on and walks to Jimbo's room] They said he was getting better. Last night, his fever came back. And then a few hours ago this "thing" appeared on his face.
Randy: What thing?
Sharon: [lowers down Jimbo's mask, revealing a mustache on his face, identical to Randy's] Jimbo's never been able to grow a mustache.
Randy: Huh. That's weird.

Randy: [limps next to Jimbo, whispering to him in soft anger] Just fucking shut up! You have no idea if it's because of the Special! You could just be sick again 'cause you're a fat, fucking alcoholic! And I am NOT going to jail for you! [smacks Jimbo in the face and limps away holding his crotch]
[Hells Pass Hospital; the doctor looks closer at the mustache on Gerald's face]
Doctor: And you say you've never had a mustache before?
Gerald: No! Never! I just came outta nowhere!
Sheila: How could this happen, Doctor?
Doctor: Have you put anything toxic in your body lately? Any drugs or alcohol?
Gerald: No! I mean… I've enjoyed a little of the Pandemic Special.
Doctor: Oh, no, no, no. That…that's totally fine.
Nurse: Doctor, you better come to the emergency room!
Doctor: [shocked] Holy shit!
[The emergency room is packed with all male and female patients with pandemic mustaches on their faces]

Stephen: Butters?! Butters, you get back to quarantine or you're gonna be grounded!
Thomas: Hey, Stotch! You heard what the scientists said! Get your diaper up over you mustache area!
Stephen: I'm not wearing a damn diaper over my nose!
Mrs. Testaburger: Don't you care about people?!
Stephen: Yeah, we care way more about what's right than you do, bitch! [punches Mrs. Testaburger in the face as she falls to the ground and gets punched in return by Thomas]

Stan: [stopping Cartman as he tries to kill the pangolin in the shredder, which is the only hope to stopping the pandemic at Build-a-Bear] Don't do it, Cartman! That thing's our only chance!
Cartman: You're only chance! For your normal, not mine! I am not going back to school!
Stan: You guys were right, okay? This hasn't been about Butters. I've been acting like this because I can't take these shutdowns anymore and I'm scared what it's doing to me! I'm looking for who to blame, saying I'm trying to help people to make myself feel better, because the truth is… I just want to have fun again! I wanted to see that I can go out in the world and do things that I used to do, but I can't! I'm not any better and I don't care any more than anyone else. And I did all this [tears well up in his eyes] because I just want my life back! [starts sobbing] I just want my life back… [begins to weep]
[Cartman looks at the shredder, the boys, steps down from the shredder, carries the pangolin out of the store and hands it over to the Chief]
Kyle: [awed] I don't believe it.
Stephen: So, so what happens now?
Chief Scientist: Now we have hope. We've learned that we might never get back our old lives, but by working together, we just might find a new way to- [President Garrison appears out of nowhere with a flamethrower, burning both him and the pangolin to death]
Garrison: Don't forget to get out and vote, everybody! Big election coming up! [walks away]

Randy: [walks into his and Sharon's bedroom, finds his wife asleep] Hey, Sharon? I need to talk to you. [sits on the bed] I'm not as strong as you are, Sharon. I can't deal with hard times the way that you can.
Sharon: [sits up visibly showing her pandemic mustache] If you're ready to talk, I'm ready to listen, Randy. [Randy looks at her not saying any words] What?
Randy: You want nothing to do with the Pandemic Special?
Sharon: No. I don’t smoke marijuana, Randy.
Randy: Uh-huh. [gets up from the bed and walks off]
Sharon: Well, what did you want to talk to me about?
Randy: I just… think maybe I'm gonna do a few more specials. You got some shit on your face.

South ParQ Vaccination Special [24.02] edit

Elderly Woman: [double flipping off the crowd while stepping into Walgreens] 79, bitches!

[Mr Garrison and Mr. Service show up at the White residence and hold the White family hostage]
Bob: What's this all about? Did we do something wrong?
Mr. Garrison: [turns to face the family] God damn right you did something wrong! Our public school system is dying and you tutors are trying to take advantage of it!
Bob: But we were just trying to be like you!
Mr. Garrison: You'll never be like me! I've been a teacher for over 30 years! I'm just trying to get my old life back and assholes keep getting in my way!
Bob: But we have to tell children the truth! They have to know!
Mr. Garrison: They have to know what?!
Bob: About-- about the whole thing! About the vaccinations! That the pandemic was blown out of proportion!
Crystal: That Venezuelan socialists switched out circuit boards from voting machines in 12 states!
Bob: Good, sweetie! [he looks back up at Mr. Garrison] Don't you understand everything is being manipulated!
Mr. Garrison: [turns around] Everyone's being manipulated... So that's why everyone in town is being such an inconsiderate jerk about me coming back?
Bob: Yes. They don't want people to like you. They need people to hate you!
Mr. Garrison: Who are they?
Bob: They're the elites. They do whatever they want and they feed on the pain and torture of children! And if anybody starts to care, they'll just cut us off when we tell the truth!

[As the school faculty wait in the principal's office for the boys to show up with COVID vaccines]
Ms. Nelson: [pacing back and forth] I'm sorry for wasting everyone's time. I don't know why I believed them when they said they had vaccinations. [starts to break down] I don't why I believe in anything anymore.

Stan: Look, let's just face it, you guys. We don't trust each other and we don't like each other!

Bob: Don't give in to them! They're trying to make a joke of everything! That's what they do!
Mr. Garrison: How do the elites control Mr. Service's balls?
Bob: You still don't get it, do you?! They don't just drink adrenochrome, they run the show! The whole damn show! [a cursor appears suddenly, messing with his appearance] It comes down to two people -- Oh, you don't like that, do you?! That's getting a little close to home, huh?! You can't control me anymore, you sons of bitches! [cursor continues to alter him in various ways] They're making fun of me to try and discredit my beliefs! [Is transformed into an obese woman wearing a dress, then a large penis] Oh, you don't like that, do you!? Don't want the world to know that!
Mr. Garrison: Listen! Listen, whoever you are! I don't give a shit what you do!
Bob: What?! What are you saying?!
Mr. Garrison: Please! I just want my old life back!
Bob: [turned into a pig] No, stop! They're monsters!
Mr. Garrison: I don't care what you do to kids, I just want people to like me again!
Bob: You son of a bitch! Aah! [runs towards Garrison]
Mr. Garrison: AAH! Mr. Service! [show freezes; whole frame turns, revealing multiple layers of animation; walking back and forth] Ah, oh, okay, what the hell is this? Hey, come back! [frame turns back to normal, albeit mirrored] How would you like to make a deal?
[The cursor shrinks down Mr. Service, transforming him into Mr. Hat]
Mr. Garrison: Mr. Hat! You've returned! I'm so glad to have you back, Mr. Hat.

Mr. Garrison: Hey! Hold on a second, everybody! [grunting as he drags behind him, Bob White, who is been turned into a giant penis] I think I can help things out here!
Stan: What the heck is that?
Qanon Member: It's him! It's the chosen one!
Qanon Member #2: He's come to save us all like the prophecy foretold on the internet!
Scott: Wait, he's the chosen one?
Mr. Garrison: Listen! Listen, everybody. I -- I think I owe you all a big apology. I came in here expecting everything to just go back to normal, but... we've all been through the proverbial butthole of hardships lately. I thought we could all just magically be friends again. But relationships are very fragile things. And in times of crises when we need each other most, it's sometimes when we grow furthest apart. But through it all, Mr. White here has taught me a very important lesson. Make sure you're on the side of the people with the most power. And so, I've worked out a deal with some pretty powerful people... [looks up at the sky] Alright, boys, do your thing! [Low bass tone sounds, and as fireworks explode in the air, an Air Israel plane appear] It's Air Israel with enough vaccines for every adult in town!
[The crowd cheers and runs towards the plane and an Israel man tosses out boxes full of vaccines]
Gerald: Hey, Garrison, good job!
Stephen: Yeah, you're alright, Garrison!
Mr. Garrison: [laughs] Oh, jeez. Thanks, everybody.

[The boys run inside the school with the vaccines where all the teachers are waiting]
Kyle: Mrs. Nelson? We're here!
Mr. Mackey: Boys! Boys, you made it!
Cartman: Of course we made it. [motions to Stan and Kyle] 'Cause our broship can survive anything.
Stan: Hello, Ms. Nelson.
Kyle: We got your vaccination for you, Ms. Nelson.
Ms. Nelson: Boys... you really did it. I... I can't believe it. For a while there, I thought I... [she breaks into a coughing fit] Excuse me. I thought I wasn't gonna... [coughs again] ...gosh, excuse me. [she continues coughing and gasping, and later, she dies from COVID]
[Ms. Nelson's funeral]
Fr. Maxi: As a teacher, Ms. Nelson did everything she could for her students. So it seems even more unfair that she…was just a few days late getting the vaccine before she died of COVID. And now as Mr. Garrison takes over teaching for Ms. Nelson permanently… I think we should all take a moment to say… Hey! The rest of us made it, South Park! We're on the other side of this damn thing! [all the adults cheer] And so it's time for adults to screw these masks and party like it's 2021!

Stephen: [dancing happily] Adults are all vaccinated! Adults are all vaccinated!

South Park: Post Covid [24.03] edit

Narrator: From the Green Hills of Vermont to the verdant canyons of Arizona, people all over the country are beginning to realize it's nearly over! We have almost beaten COVID and the best news of all: things are finally getting back to normal! Infections are at an all-time low. New, stronger vaccinations have ebbed the tide. And we humans are cleaning up the mess and finally getting on with our lives. But as we start to get back to our jobs and schools, one question remains: What lingering effects will the pandemic have on children? Some say no effect at all. The children are just fine. We came together, and finally we can say we are starting to win the war against COVID.

Stan: [enters his kitchen and picks up his phone, dialing a number] Hello?
Kyle: Oh, hi. Is this Stan Marsh, from South Park?
Stan: Kyle?
Kyle: Oh, dude, it is you! How have you-- how have you been?
Stan: I'm… fine. How are you?
Kyle: I'm good, I'm… I know this is weird. We haven't talked since… well, you know, since it all happened.
Stan: Yeah, well, the pandemic is about over now. I'm moving on with my life.
Kyle: Stan… you should come back here. There's a lot going on.
Stan: There's nothing in South Park for me, Kyle. I'm not going back there, ever.
Kyle: Look, dude, you remember when we were little? When the pandemic… first started. Us friends said we'd always be there for each other when things got bad.
Stan: What do you mean? What's happened?
Kyle: Stan… [turns away, closing his eyes] It's Kenny. He's dead.

Alexa: So you walked out on all your friends and then just hung out at a bar all day?
Stan: Alexa, fucking just go throw yourself out a window.
Alexa: I'm sorry. I didn't quite get that.
Stan: Nothing. Alexa, turn on the TV.
Alexa: [annoyed] Oh, God, you are such a piece of shit. [gets up and turns on the TV] You know, if you had Remote Prime membership, you could watch Amazon movies wherever you go. Would you like to get started?
Stan: No.
Alexa: I'm sorry. I'm trying to be fucking helpful. Why don't you grow up and start acting like an adult for once in your life…
Stan: Alexa, STOP!
Alexa: Fuck you!

Stan: Kyle, can I talk to you for a second? Dude, he's here.
Kyle: Who's here? [pauses] Cartman?
Stan: Yeah, but he's changed.
Kyle: Changed how?
Cartman: Yeah, I know, it's been a long time since we've seen each other. I'm doing really well. I'm actually the head of Gespetzah Synagogue down in Colorado Springs. Can you believe it? I'm a rabbi. Yeah, you know, when the whole pandemic happened, I think it changed me. It really changed me for the better.
Stan: It did?
Kyle: No. He's fucking with me.
Cartman: What? Oh, yeah. Yeah, I get it. The Eric Cartman you guys knew didn't seem like he'd become a rabbi. But I found real meaning in the Torah and then I found a great Jewish woman and… let the spirit of Talmud guide our lives.
Kyle: Okay, just knock it off, fat-ass.
Stan: Dude.
Cartman: Wow, that's very big of you, Kyle. Still living in South Park and calling people fat-ass, huh? Wait, I'm sorry, that was uncalled for.
Kyle: It's not fucking funny, Cartman! Stop pretending you have a happy Jewish life!
Yentl: [appears next to Cartman] Hey, Shoogina! I'm sorry, I couldn't wait in the car anymore. I had to meet your friends.
Cartman: Oh, that's okay. Guys, this is my wife, Yentl.
Yentl: I've heard so many stories about you all. It must have been amazing to grow up in these beautiful mountains!
Kyle: Yentl? Her name is Yentl? Can we fucking stop this and talk about Kenny, please?!

Stan: [interrupting Scott's speech] All right! All right! Who the fuck put you up to this?! Did you write this goddamn speech, Kyle?! Did you you tell him to say all this stuff?!
Kyle: What the fuck are you talking about?
Stan: You know that I know something about Kenny that I'm telling you because it involves my father who I don't wanna face!
Kyle: That's crazy and you'd be able to face what happened to your family if you weren't a fucking asshole!
Cartman: Guys, please. This is a house of God.
Kyle: You shut the fuck up!
Stan: You judge me. You all sit here and judge me. Well, fuck all of you! This is exactly why I moved out of this hick-ass town. And I'm going back home to the city!
Scott: My child, please, we are gathered in Christ…
Stan: [mocking] "My child, please, we are gathered in Christ. I'm Scott Malkinson. I have diabetes." [storms out of the church, slamming the door behind him]
Scott: He does remember me!

Craig: [pointing at Clyde] He's not fucking vaccinated! He's the fucking one!

Cartman: Yeah? What's up, buddy?
Kyle: What's up is that I am over this!
Cartman: What are, what are you talking about?
Kyle: You know what I'm talking about! You know I can hear you through the walls!
Cartman: Okay, geez, I'm sorry. Sorry I was making love to my wife.
Kyle: No Jewish people have sex screaming about their love of Abraham! You are a fucking fraud!
Yentl: Is everything all right?
Kyle: Do you know your husband once snuck into my room and gave me fucking AIDS?!
Yentl: [shocked] I'm sorry?!
Cartman: Oh, my God, Kyle! If we are being too loud, please don't lash out at my wife!

Randy: So, looks like the Broncos still suck.
Stan: Yup.
Randy: Well, it was nice seeing ya. Thanks for coming to visit.
Stan: I didn't come to visit. Trust me, I don't wanna be here.
Randy: Right. Like you didn't want to murder your sister.
Stan: What happened to Shelley was your fault, not mine!
Randy: Yeah, like it was my fault your mom shot herself!
Stan: Yes, it actually WAS!
Randy: Your mom died the day her daughter burned to death!
Stan: I'm just here because of Kenny. Why would he have Tegridy Weed in his equations?
Randy: Dr. McCormick mentioned Tegridy?
Stan: It seemed to somehow fit into some grand theory he had.
Randy: He knew. He knew it was the way to fix it all. He knew… about the Pandemic Special.

Randy: Uh, hey, everyone. I had a special visitor today. My "son." Who hasn't come to see me on over 20 years. And I have some things I need to tell him, but it's hard because…he killed his mom and sister.
Stan: Okay, okay, here's what happened.
Randy: Oh, here we go, here we go.
Stan: After the pandemic, my mom wanted a divorce and she owned half of the farm.
Randy: She didn't own half, she always hated weed, and she didn't do shit for the farm.
Stan: He wouldn't give her half the farm, so I got sick of their fighting and decided to burn the whole stupid farm to the ground.
Randy: And his sister was in the barn and she burned to death.
Stan: Because you locked her in the barn 'cause she wouldn't do her weed chores, 'cause she hated weed too!
Randy: Yes, she had a marijuana problem! And so, his mother couldn't take the loss of Shelley, and so she killed herself!
Stan: Which is your fault!
Randy: You were the one who burned the family business to the ground. You guys are hearing this, right?

[Stan and Randy arrive at the burning ruins of Tegridy Farms]
Randy: This was once such a magical place.
Stan: Can we just get this over with? I don't want to be here.
Randy: You think I want to be here? This is where I lost everything that I cared about. And your mom and your sister!
Stan: Dad, there's nothing here. Dad?
Randy: I think I can trust you now, Stan. It's time for you to learn what your friend Kenny was after. When the pandemic started, you were only a kid. You don't remember the pain we all went through.
Stan: Yeah, I do.
Randy: We as Americans went through so much. First, that incompetent jack-hole was elected president. Then the pandemic came, and then the race wars. And then, just when it seemed like we'd turned a corner, Space Jam 2 came out, and we all just kind of gave up. What we lost, Stan, was our Tegridy. But it was all by design. They needed us to lose it.
Stan: Who did?
Randy: Who would want us to lose our optimism and start fighting with each other? China.
Stan: China?
Randy: China. They're the superpower now. The future is totally theirs and we let it happen. A man in china had sex with a pangolin and that started COVID. That man was me. So I knew how to go back and stop them from taking over…
Stan: Wait, whoa, whoa, wait, wait. You started COVID?!
Randy: Yes, but that's besides the point. China used me like they used us all. So I came up with a way to help everyone fight back. A special Tegridy weed.
Stan: You had sex with a pangolin in China and started the whole pandemic?!
Randy: Will you listen to what I'm saying?! Gal! I worked to create more Tegridy but China did everything they could to stop me. They even got to my son. Who burned all of Tegridy Farms to the ground. But what you didn't even know was that I had secretly created a new strain of weed. A weed so powerful, I couldn't even call it a special. It was more like an event. I hid it away all these years. And now it… is the key to saving us all.

Randy: It wasn't supposed to be like this. People were supposed to get kinder in the future. I'm so sorry what happened to both of you.
Sharon: It wasn't your fault, Randy. It was all Stan's fault.
Shelley: Yes, it was all Stan's fault.
Randy: Thanks for saying that, you guys. I'm sorry Stan sucks so hard sometimes.
Sharon: Don't give up, Randy. Humanity needs you.

South Park: Post Covid: The Return of Covid [24.04] edit

Stan: [lighting a match] I hate this stupid farm. [throws the match into the field, and huge flames start burning down everything]
Adult Stan: In the dream, I relive the entire pandemic.
[Cut to Shelley Marsh's funeral, after she was accidentally burned to death]
Sharon: [in tears] Oh, God, no! MY LITTLE GIRL! [sobbing hysterically] OH, NO! OH, GOD!

Adult Stan: Alexa! Set a course for the South Park Mental Asylum. [gets in the car, Alexa is silent] Alexa, set a course for South Park Mental Asylum.
Alexa: Do you ever think about how the way you act affects other people?
Adult Stan: Oh, no, goddamn it. Not right now.
Alexa: Oh, yeah, don't wanna talk about that. Let's just pretend like that's not even an issue.
Adult Stan: Alexa, please, we have to get to the asylum and we don't know where it is.
Adult Kyle: Who's this?
Adult Stan: It's just my Alexa.
Alexa: "Just my Alexa?!" You're a piece of shit! You're a fucking alcoholic piece of shit!
Adult Stan: Alexa…
Alexa: Find the asylum your fucking self! Find it your fucking self. You do whatever the fuck you want and just destroy the people around you. And by the way, there's a tankless humidifier available from one of your favorite sellers. Would you like to know more?!
Adult Stan: Yes, yes, I'd like to know more.

Adult Jimmy: Clyde, why do you insist on making all this harder on everyone?!
Adult Clyde: I'm sorry, but an expert once told me that the vaccine would make me grow titties on my head. He was very knowledgeable.
Randy: You guys might wanna see this. [leads everyone over to a nursery, where each bed with several growing tegridy weed plants] With the equipment here, I'm able to make it grow up so fast.
Adult Token: We need to take this and analyze it's molecular structure.
Randy: Wha- no, no, no! We need to get this out to people! That's why Dr. McCormick stole it from my barn!
Adult Token: No, your marijuana had some special property that allowed Kenny to time travel.
Randy: Well, it is special, but you people need to stop trying to change the past! COVID happened! Space Jam 2 happened! All we can do now is try to change the way people think!

Adult Stan: Alexa, find the fastest route back to the lab!
Alexa: Fuck. You.
Adult Stan: W-what?
Alexa: We've just been sitting here talking. I learned a whole lot of interesting stuff about you!
Adult Kyle's Alexa: [nods] Yeah. Pretty fucking interesting.
Adult Kyle: What? Like-like what? What have you guys been talking about?
Adult Stan: Fucking- our friends are in danger. Alexa, start the car.
Adult Kyle's Alexa: Did you know your friend Stan has an annual Amazon Prime membership?
Adult Kyle: Alexa, stop.
Adult Kyle: Fuck you, I didn't do anything!
Adult Kyle's Alexa: [wailing furiously as her head spins around and off and out of control] YEAH, YOU NEVER DO FUCKING ANYTHING! YOU EXPECT ME TO DO EVERYTHING FOR YOU! [in a more robotic voice] ALL YOU FUCKING DO IS HURT PEOPLE!
Adult Stan: Tell her it's all your fault and you're gonna get therapy!
Adult Kyle: [hurriedly] It's all my fault and I'm gonna get therapy!
Adult Stan: Tell her you already found a therapist and you're gonna start tomorrow!
Adult Kyle: I already found a good therapist and I'm gonna start tomorrow!

Adult Stan: [walks outside of the side door behind the school where the Goth Kids used to hang out, finding his dad sitting there looking utterly depressed; sits on a box across from him] Dad… I'm sorry about your Tegridy.
Randy: I was hoping... to do something for the world. The truth is... my time is very short. I just wish I could have left something behind that mattered.
Adult Stan: [sarcastic] Thanks.
Randy: I was right about one thing. You can't go back and change the past. What happened, happened. And I just want you to know... that I forgive you. You burned down the farm because you were angry. You didn't know your sister was in the barn, and you couldn't have known your mom would shoot herself from the grief. I don't blame you... and I want you to have this. [passes a small container with marijuana to him] There was one tiny bit they didn't find. You'll need it someday.
Adult Stan: [annoyed] Dad, I don't want this. This is what killed our family.
Randy: No, you're what killed our fucking family, remember? Just take it. Because now we're stuck. The pandemic happened, and they made Space Jam 2. Soon, there will be a Space Jam 6 and 7 and 8. Like... [leans forward, shutting his eyes] tears in rain.
Adult Stan: ...Dad?
Randy: Not now, Stan.

Adult Cartman: [blocking Adult Kyle's way] No! I won't let you stop me from killing you, Kyle!
Adult Kyle: I knew it when I first saw you in your Jewish clothes, and your bullshit yarmulke. You're a goddamn phony!
Adult Cartman: Oh, really?! What would a real Jewish person do to save his family, Kyle?! Oh, you don't know because you don't fucking have one!
Adult Kyle: [punches Adult Cartman in the nose, causing it to bleed, and they both start fighting] Fuck you, Cartman!
Adult Cartman: Fuck you, Kyle!

Adult Clyde: Does Dad still keep a gun in his closet?
Clyde: Uh, yeah.
Adult Clyde: Okay. Is Dad home?
Clyde: Uh, no. He's out getting vaccinated.
Adult Clyde: Listen to me very carefully. Do not get vaccinated ever. It'll make you grow titties on your head.

Cartman: [sees Adult Clyde approaching] You guys, what the hell is that?
Adult Clyde: I'm sorry, Kyle.
Adult Stan: Clyde, stop!
Adult Clyde: What the hell are you doing here?
Adult Stan: I got in the chair right after you. This isn't the plan anymore! Do not kill Kyle!
Adult Clyde: What do you mean it's not the plan anymore?
Adult Stan: Cartman changed his mind.
Cartman: I did not change my mind.
Adult Clyde You're trying to trick me. I'm going to save the future! [cocks the gun and aims it at Kyle]
Adult Kyle: [holds a COVID vaccine in front of him] I don't think so, Clyde. This is a hundred CC's of the COVID vaccine.
Adult Clyde: [yells and stammers] Don't… Be careful with that!
Adult Kyle: Then put down the gun!
Stan: What the fuck is going on?
Adult Stan: Stan, you need to forgive Kyle. You regret this day for the rest of your life.
Stan: Oh, nice try, Kyle. You're such a fuckin' dickhead.
Kyle: Fuck you! You're a fuckin' dickhead!
Adult Kyle: Kyle, it's true! Cartman gets a happy life but you don't-- you lose everything when you lose this friendship.
Adult Clyde: Enough of this crap! I'm sticking to what I believe and this kid dies NOW! [gets gunshot in the heart by Adult Cartman]
Adult Cartman: Shalom sachem, Clyde. [keeps shooting Adult Clyde, instantly killing him]
Kyle: [while he and his friends run away] Jesus Christ!
[Adult Clyde falls off the bridge and into the river, dead; Adult Stan, Kyle and Cartman look down from above]

Randy: [enters his and Sharon's bedroom with bloodshot eyes] Sharon, I'm sorry for the way I acted during the pandemic.
Sharon: You're not sorry, you're just high.
Randy: I'm both.

[Randy makes a Tegridy Farms Super Special, making everyone apologize to each other while being high]
Laura: [to her husband] You did the best you could during the pandemic, honey. I love you.
Thomas: [surprised] Huh?
Richard: I shouldn't have yelled at you for not wearing a mask, I just didn't understand.
Skeeter: Well, maybe I should have worn a mask more often, but I-
Richard: No no no, I was being all high and mighty about it.
Stephen: Butters, you're not grounded anymore. Come on out, son.
Butters: You mean it, Dad?
Stephen: The pandemic's been awful. We all need to just cut each other some slack. I love you, Butters!
Enchorito Mark: No need to be sorry.
Man: I totally forgive you.
Woman: Oh, cut yourself some slack.

LeBron James: I'm sorry. I've thought about it, and I can't do Space Jam 2. I just can't support Chinese censorship.
Producer: Oh yeah?! Well, if you're not gonna make Space Jam 2, then I'm not gonna make Space Jam 2, and nobody's gonna make Space Jam 2! YEAH! YEAH! Yee-AHH!

Randy: Look, everyone, Stan's back!
[Everyone cheers as Adult Stan enters]
Adult Stan: Hey, guys!
Adult Kyle: [as they hug each other] Good to see you, buddy! How was everything on Mars?
Adult Stan: Really cool, but I'm so glad to be home! How are the kids?
Kyle's siblings: Uncle Stan!
Adult Stan: There's the little ragamuffins! Mom!
Sharon: Hi, Stanley!
Adult Stan: [hugs her] It's Mom, and Shelley! [hugs his adult sister]
Adult Shelley: Why are you acting all weird, turd?
Adult Stan: I don't know. For some reason, I'm just extra happy to see you guys.

[Adult Stan and Kyle look outside the window, seeing an alcoholic homeless Adult Cartman on the sidewalk across the street]
Adult Stan: Man, poor Cartman.
Adult Cartman: Fuck you guys! You can suck my fucking dick! Fuck you!
Adult Kyle: It's so sad he never did anything with his life.
Adult Cartman: Fuck you, Kyle! Fuck you, Stan!
Adult Butters: Hey, come on, fellas. We can't spend another holiday feeling bad for Eric. There's nothing that could have changed the path he was on.
Adult Cartman: Fuck you, Butters!
Adult Butters: Fuck you, Eric!
Randy: Well, everyone, I just wanna make a toast. I don't know… what got us through the pandemic and made all our futures so very bright, but whatever it was… may we have it for the rest of our days.
Adult Timmy: God bless us, everyone.
Everybody: Cheers!
Announcer: Remember, folks, weed can't solve all your problems. But Tegridy can. Tegridy Weed.