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South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut

1999 animated film directed by Trey Parker

South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut is a 1999 film based on the animated television series South Park.

Directed by Trey Parker. Written by Trey Parker, Matt Stone and Pam Brady.
Warning: This movie will warp your fragile little minds.taglines

Contents

DialogueEdit

Sharon Marsh: Well, good morning, Stan.
Stan: Mom, can I have $8 to see a movie?
Sharon Marsh: A movie?
Stan: Yeah. It's going to be the best movie ever. It's a foreign film from Canada.
Sharon Marsh: All right, here you go, but be back for supper.
Stan: Thanks, Mom.

Mrs. McCormick: Where do you think you're going?
Kenny: [muffled] I'm going to see the Terrance and Phillip movie.
Mrs. McCormick: You can't, you have to go to church.
Kenny: [muffled] But Mom, I really wanna see the movie!
Mrs. McCormick: Well, fine. You go ahead and miss church, and then when you die and go to Hell, you can answer to Satan!!!
Kenny: [muffled] Okay!

Ike: Ba-ba-ba-ba-bah!
Kyle: Ready, Ike? Kick the baby!
Ike: Don't kick the baby.
Kyle: Kick the baby!
[Ike is kicked, and shrieks and giggles as he breaks through a window]
Sheila Broflovski: Ike! You broke another window! That's a bad baby! Bad baby!

Announcer: This program is brought to you by Snacky S'mores, the creamy fun of s'mores in a delightful cookie crunch. [the doorbell rings]
Cartman: Mom, somebody's at the door!
Liane: Coming, hon. [passes by in front of him]
Cartman: Ay! Can't see the TV!
Tom Pusslicker: It's been six weeks since Saddam Hussein was killed by a pack of wild boars, and the world is still glad to be rid of him.
Liane: Oh, look, Eric. It's your little friends. [the boys enter]
Ike: Cartman!
Cartman: What are you guys doing here? [his friends show him the movie ad] Oh, sweet, dude! Yes! Yes!

Kyle: Let me have some candy, Cartman.
Cartman: Oh. Let's see. Uh, nope, I don't have any Jewish candy.
Kyle: Like you really need all that chocolate, fat boy!
Ike: Ba-ba-ba-bah.
Stan: Shh! The movie's starting.
[title appears, and then Terrance and Phillip appear.]
Boys: [happily] Hooray!
Phillip: Say, Terrance, what did the Spanish priest say to the Iranian gynecologist?
Terrance: I don't know, Phillip. What?
[Phillip farts in Terrance's face, then Terrance and Phillip laugh. The boys also laugh.]
Stan: Where do they come up with this stuff?
Terrance: You're such a pig-fucker, Phillip!
[boys gasp]
Kyle: What did he say?
Phillip: Terrance, why would you call me a pig-fucker?
Terrance: Well, let's see. First of all, you fuck pigs.
Phillip: Oh, yeah!
[Terrance and Phillip laugh again.]
Terrance: Well, fuck my ass and call me a bitch!
[Terrance and Phillip laugh again.]
Phillip: Oh, you shit-faced cock master!
Boys: Wow!
Cartman: Shit-faced cock master.
Terrance: Listen, you donkey-raping shit eater!
Kyle: Donkey-raping shit eater.
Ike: Doppy-waping sheedeeder.
Terrance: You'd fuck your uncle!
Phillip: You'd fuck your uncle!
Terrance: [singing] ♪ Shut your fucking face, uncle fucka. You're a cock-sucking ass-licking uncle fucka. You're an uncle fucka, yes, it's true. Nobody fucks uncles quite like you. ♪
Phillip: ♪ Shut your fucking face, uncle fucka. You're the one that fucked your uncle, uncle fucka. You don't eat or sleep or mow the lawn. You just fuck your uncle all day long. ♪
[Phillip farts rhythmically]
Terrance: Hmm. [he farts as well, and he and Phillip fart to the song. Audience members exit the theater in disgust while the boys stay. Terrance and Phillip laugh and fart in a Mountie's face.]
Mountie: What's going on here?
[Terrance and Phillip continuously fart in Mountie's face.]
Woman: [disgusted] What garbage!
Man: Well, what do you expect? They're Canadian.
[The boys dance to the song as a Canadian crowd joins in]
Canadian Crowd: ♪ Uncle fucka! Uncle fucka, uncle fucka, uncle fucka! ♪ [harmonizing]
Terrance and Phillip: ♪ Shut your fucking face, uncle fucka. ♪
Terrance: Uncle fucka.
Terrance and Phillip: ♪ You're a boner-biting bastard, uncle fucka. ♪
Terrance: ♪ You're an uncle fucka, I must say. ♪
Phillip: Well, you fucked your uncle yesterday!
[Terrance and Phillip laugh]
Terrance and Phillip: ♪ Uncle fucka. That's... ♪
Canadian Crowd: ♪ U-N-C-L-E. Fuck you! Uncle fucka! ♪
Phillip: Suck my balls!
[3 hours later, the boys exit the theater]
Kyle: Dude, that movie was fucking sweet!
Cartman: You bet your fucking ass it was!
Stan: Fuck, dude, I wanna be just like Terrance and Phillip!
Theater Clerk: Hey, wait a minute, where's your guardian?
Stan: Huh?
Theater Clerk: I knew it! You paid a homeless guy to get you in, didn't you?
Cartman: [pause] Fuck off, you donkey-raping shit eater. [farts]
Kyle: Yeah! [singing] ♪ Shut you fucking face, uncle fucka. ♪
Boys: [joining in] ♪ You're an ass-licking, ball-sucking uncle fucka. ♪

[at Stark's Pond, in the afternoon]
Clyde: [skates up to them] Hey, where have you guys been all day?
Stan: Oh, nowhere. We just went to go see the Terrance and Phillip movie.
Bebe: [all the kids turn and gasp, then crowd in on the boys] You already saw it?
Clyde: How'd you get in?
Cartman: Hey, stop crowding us, you shit-faced cock-masters!
Kids: [awestruck] Wow!
Stan: Yeah, you're all a bunch of ass-ramming uncle fuckers.
Kids: [impressed] Ooh.
Clyde: [to Token] We have got to see this movie, dude.
Kyle: Terrance and Phillip are Canadian, just like my brother.
Stan: [Wendy comes into view, and a song plays in his mind] There's the girl that I like. ♪
Cartman: Hey, Stan, tell about when Terrance called Phillip a testicle shitting rectal wart.
Stan: ♪ Now, more than ever, she gives me butterflies. It makes my stomach queasy every time she walks by. ♪
Cartman: Asshole, I'm talking to you!
Stan: ♪ I know I can be cool if I try. ♪ [smiles. Wendy does a triple Lutz before landing before him. He gets ice all over his face.]
Wendy: Hi, Stan! [he vomits on her] Gross!
Gregory: [skates up next to her] Come, Wendy, let us try to jump the hilly brush.
Stan': [dusts himself off] Who are you, kid?
Gregory: My name is Gregory. I just transferred from Yardale, where I had a 4-0 grade point average.
Wendy: Wanna skate with us?
Gregory: We've been skating all morning and laughing, and talking of memories' past.
Stan: We saw the Terrance and Phillip movie.
Gregory: [aloof] Oh ho. Try and catch me, Wendy! [skates off]
Wendy: Bye, Stan. [turns and skates away slowly]
Cartman: Yes, yes, I saw the Terrance and Phillip movie. Who wants to touch me? [beat] I said, who wants to fuckin' touch me?!
Butters: [touches Cartman] Ooh.
Clyde: Come on, gang, we've gotta see the Terrance and Phillip movie, too! [the kids skate away, and only Cartman and Kenny remain]
Cartman: I hate you, Kenny. [Kenny looks back in anger]

[at South Park Elementary, the class sings "Uncle Fucka". Then Mr. Garrison enters and the class stops singing.]
Mr. Garrison: [as Mr. Hat] Okay, children, let's take our seats. We have a lot to learn today. [normal voice] We sure do, Mr. Hat. Okay, children, let's start the day with a few new math problems. What is five times two? Come on children, don't be shy. Just give it your best shot. [Clyde raises his hand] Yes, Clyde?
Clyde: Twelve?
Mr. Garrison: Okay. Now let's try to get an answer from someone who's not a complete retard. Anyone? Come on, don't be shy.
Kyle: I think I know the answer, Mr. Garrison. [Cartman mocks Kyle in a high-pitched, gibberish voice] SHUT UP, FAT BOY!
Cartman: [enraged] HEY! DON'T CALL ME FAT, YA FUCKING JEW!
Mr. Garrison: Eric, did you just say the F-word??
Cartman: Jew?
Kyle: No, he's talking about "fuck". You can't say "fuck" in school, you fucking fat ass.
Mr. Garrison: Kyle!
Cartman: Why the fuck not?
Mr. Garrison: Eric!
Stan: Dude, you just said "fuck" again!
Mr. Garrison: Stanley!
Kenny: [muffled] Fuck.
Mr. Garrison: Kenny!
Cartman: What's the big deal? It doesn't hurt anybody. Fuck, fuckity-fuck-fuck-fuck.
Mr. Garrison: How would you like to go see the school counselor?
Cartman: How would you like to suck my balls?
[everyone gasps in shock]
Mr. Garrison: [furiously] WHAT DID YOU SAY?!?!
Cartman: Oh, I-I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Actually, what I said was: [picks up a megaphone and clears throat] "How would you like to suck my balls, Mr. Garrison?"
[Garrison stands rooted to the spot, furiously frozen]
Stan: Holy shit, dude.
[Craig Tucker sits in the chair in front of the counselor's office and sighs.]
Mr. Mackey: Well, I must say, I'm very disappointed in you boys, m'kay? You should be ashamed of yourselves. Now, I've already called in your mothers--
Kyle: [scared] You called my mom?!
Mr. Mackey: That's right.
Kyle: [frightened] Oh, no, dude!
Cartman: Mr. Mackey, can I ask a question?
Mr. Mackey: M'kay, what?
Cartman: What's the big fucking deal, bitch?
Stan: Yeah!
Mr. Mackey: Aah! N-Now I want to know where you heard these horrific obscenities, m'kay?
Stan: Nowhere.
Kyle: Uh, we heard them from Mr. Garrison a few times before.
Stan: Yeah!
Mr. Mackey: Boys, I seriously doubt that Mr. Garrison ever said, uh, "Eat penguin shit, you ass-spelunker".
[the boys start laughing]
Cartman: He-he-he-he! Sweet!
[the door suddenly slams open, and the boys's mothers come in, not looking happy at all.]
Stan: Uh-oh.
Mr. Mackey: Thank you all for coming on such short notice.
Sharon Marsh: This just isn't like you, Stanley.
Sheila Broflovski: What did my son say, Mr. Mackey? Did he say the S-Word?
Mr. Mackey: No, it was worse than that.
Sheila Broflovski: The F-Word?!
Mr. Mackey: Well here's a list of the things they've been sayin'. M'kay?
[all the moms look at the list]
Sharon Marsh: Oh, dear God.
Sheila Broflovski: What the heck is a rimjob?
Liane: Why, that's when you put your legs behind your head and have someone lick your ass.
[the others stare at Liane while Sheila frowns in anger and disgust at Liane]
Sheila: Young man, you will tell Mr. Mackey this instant where you heard all these horrible phrases!
Kyle: I--I--
Stan: We can't tell you. We all took a sacred oath, and swore ourselves to secrecy.
Cartman: It was the Terrance and Phillip movie.
Stan: Dude!
Cartman: What? Fuck you, guys. I wanna get out of here.
Sheila Broflovski: Terrance and Phillip? Those Canadians?!
Mr. Mackey: Excuse me, what the heck is Terrance and Phillip?
Sheila Broflovski: Terrance and Phillip are two very untalented actors from Canada. Nothing but foul language and toilet humor!
Mr. Mackey: Well, I guess I'll have to send a warning letter out to parents before more children see Terrance and Phillip.
Cartman: Everybody's fuckin' seen it.
Liane: [angrily] Eric!
Cartman: I'm sorry, I can't help myself. That movie has warped my fragile little mind.
[in the cafeteria]
Boy: My mom gave me egg again.
Stan Marsh: [thinking while looking at Wendy] ♪ There's the girl that I like. Over there laughing with that smart new-- ♪
Eric: [angrily and rudely] EY! YOU'RE HOLDING UP THE GODDAMN LUNCH LINE!
Chef: Hello there, children!
Boys: Hey, Chef.
Chef: How's it going?
Boys: Bad.
Chef: Why bad?
Kyle: We got busted for swearing. Our moms said we can't ever see the Terrence and Phillip movie again.
Chef: Oh, that's too bad.
Cartman: You should have seen Kyle when his mom showed up; he was scared out of his mind. [laughs]
Kyle: Shut up, Cartman!
Cartman: No, dude. I'd be scared, too. Your mom's a fuckin' bitch.
Kyle: DON'T CALL MY MOM A BITCH, YOU FAT FUCK!
Cartman: DON'T CALL ME "FAT," YOU BUTT-FUCKIN' SON-OF-A-BITCH!
Chef: Whoa, children! When did you learn to talk like that?
Cartman: [While he, Kyle and Kenny are leaving Stan with Chef] It's pretty fuckin' sweet, huh?
Stan: Chef, how do you make a woman like you more than any other guy?
Chef: Oh, that's easy. You just gotta find the clitoris.
Stan: Huh?
Chef: Whoops!
Stan: What does that mean, "Find the clitoris."?
Chef: Uh, forget I said anything. Move along, children, you're holding up the line.
Stan: [to boys] You guys, do you know where I can find the clitoris?
Kyle: The what?
Cartman: What, is that like finding Jesus or something?
Mr. Mackey: [over speakers] Uh, attention, students. We are now enforcing a new dress code at South Park Elementary: Terrance and Phillip shirts are no longer allowed in school. Anyone wearing a Terrance and Phillip shirt is to be set home immediately.
Kids: [they are silent for a moment] HOORAY! [they run out of the school, except for Wendy and Gregory.]

Liane Cartman: Eric, what is it?
Cartman: I saw him, I saw Kenny!
Liane Cartman: Oh, you poor dear. You've been through so much. [strokes Cartman]
Cartman: I bet him he couldn't light a fart on fire and now he's all pissed off! [gets shocked by the V-chip] Aaggh! Hey, I can't say "pissed off"? [gets shocked again] Aaggh!

[At Kyle's house]
Kyle: OK. We can use my dad's computer to call all the kids together.
Stan: Wait. Before we put a message out, do a search on the word "clitoris".
Kyle: Oh, okay. [types] "Found: 8 million pages with the word 'clitoris'."
Stan: Wow!
Kyle: I'll just try the first one. [clicks] "You must be 18 to enter this website." Okay. [clicks] "Welcome to German Sick Fetish Video. If you are under 18, do not--" Well, okay. [clicks, and a video begins playing]
German man: Du hast scheiße gern. [Translation: You like shit.]
Kyle: Dude, it's a lady getting pooed on!
Stan: Whoa! Is it Cartman's mom?
Cartman: [annoyed] Oh, very funny!
Kyle: Hey. It is Cartman's mom!
German man: Essen mein Scheiße. [Translation: Eat my shit.]
[Cartman gets up to see, pushing Kyle aside]
Liane: Alrighty, then.
Cartman: [furiously] Ah, son of a bi-- [gets shocked] AAAAGH! [falls over]
Ike: [entering] Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba!
Kyle: Get outta here, Ike! You're too young for this stuff!
Ike: Bullshit.
Stan: What's she doing now?!
German man: Essen ihr Scheiße! [Translation: Eat your shit!]
Liane: Okey-dokey! [sounds of defecation]
The Boys: AAAAAUUUUUUUGGGGHHHH!!! [they quickly hurry away from the computer. Stan vomits]
German man: Schmeckt gut, ja? [Translation: Tastes good, yes?]
Stan: Click it off, dude, click it off! [Kyle does so] Dude, what the fuck is wrong with German people?!
Cartman: Alright, alright, let's just do what we came here to do and put a message out to kids.
Kyle: OK, let's see. I've gotta put out an all-access email. [glares at Cartman] Goddamn, your mom sucks, Cartman!
Cartman: Just get to the message board!

Cartman: Mom, if you were in a German Scheiße video, you would tell me, right?
Liane Cartman: [pause] Sure, hon. Good night!

Gregory: I must say, I don't believe I belong here with these rogues. I transferred from Yardale where I had a 4.0 grade point average.
Cartman: You're a fucking faggot, dude.

Kyle: Ike, you have to stay in the attic, 'cause if they find you, they'll put you in a Canadian concentration camp. Don't worry, Ike, we're gonna put an end to this, and then I'll make Mom come home and we'll be a family again. [leaves]
Ike: I like baby's home. [starts playing harmonica]

Gregory: [whispering] I'm here for "La Resistance".
Kyle: What's the password?
Gregory: [whispering] Uh, I don't know.
Kyle: Guess.
Gregory: [whispering] Uh, bacon.
Kyle: Fine.

Kyle: You're late, Cartman!
Cartman: [rubbing his rear] I had to ride my bike here. My behind is killing me.
Kyle: Your behind?
Cartman: I have to say "behind," 'cause I get shocked if I say "ass". [gets shocked by the V-chip] Ow!

Sheila Broflovski: Men, when you're out there in the battlefield and you're looking into the beady eyes of a Canadian as he charges you with his hockey stick or whatever he has and people are dying all around you, just remember what the MPAA says: "Horrific, deplorable violence is okay, as long as people don't say any naughty words!" That is what this war is all about! [Soldiers Cheering]
Terrance: What?

Kyle: We can't leave without you!
The Mole: It's okay, I'm done for.
Kyle: No, we can't leave without you! We don't know where the Hell we are!

Kyle: Mole, be careful.
The Mole: Careful? Was my mother careful when she stabbed me in the heart with a clothes hanger while I was still in the womb? [leaves]
Stan: [to Cartman] Dude, that kid is fucked up.

Shelly Marsh: All right, you turds, listen up! Your moms are away at a meeting, so they put me in charge of you. But you're still grounded, so you're not allowed to have any fun. Any questions?
Stan: Shelly, where's the clitoris?
[Shelly picks up a chair and hits Stan over the head with it, outraged about what he just said]
Shelly Marsh: Now you all just sit there and keep your mouths shut while I go listen to my Britney Spears records. [opens & closes the door]

Stan: We're "La Resistance". We want to save Terrance and Phillip and stop the war and stuff.
The Mole: I can't help you. I'm grounded to my room for the next three days.
Kyle: So are we. Our parents think we're home right now.
Stan: Why are you grounded?
The Mole: Why? Because God hates me. He has made my life miserable, so I call him a cock-sucking asshole, then I get grounded.

The Mole: Now, did you bring the mirror?
Stan: Got It.
The Mole: And the rope?
Stan: Check.
The Mole: And the butt-for?
Stan: What's a butt-for?
The Mole: For pooping, silly. [takes a long drag on his cigarette, then puffs out smoke]

Terrance: Want to see the northern lights?
[Lights his fart on fire and burns up]
Phillip: You burned yourself to death by lighting your fart.
Terrance: I sure did, Phillip.

[Phillip farts, sending Terrance flying through the air]
Terrance: Good one, Phillip!
Phillip: Cheers, fuck-face.
Conan O'Brien: Guys, you can't say that on TV.
Phillip: Now Terrance smells like my ass!
Brooke Shields: I farted once on the set of Blue Lagoon!
[silence; Terrance slaps her]

[Terrance and Phillip are in electric chairs]
Sheila Broflovski: Gentlemen, do you have Any last words?
Phillip: Last words? Let's see. How's aboot "Get me the fuck out of this chair!"? How's that for last words?

Terrance: Oh, Phillip. This is worse than that night I fell asleep and you put your dick in my mouth and took a picture.
Phillip: I know, Terrance. I know.

[at a spelling bee]
Teacher: All right, this is for the silver metal. Spell "forensics".
Boy: Ah, fuck that! Why should I have to fucking spell "forensics"?
Kids: Yeah!
Boy: Here you go! [writes on the blackboard] S-U-C-K M-Y A-S-S. Forensics.

Satan: Is sex the only thing that matters to you?
Saddam Hussein: I love you.
Satan: I want to believe that.
Saddam Hussein: So let's shut off that light and get close, huh?

Saddam Hussein: Hey, Satan, I got some new luggage for our trip up to Earth. Let's fuck to celebrate!
Satan: How come you always want to make love to me from behind? Is it because you want to pretend I'm someone else?
Saddam Hussein: Satan, your ass is gigantic and red. Who am I going to pretend you are, Liza Minnelli? [Satan walks off screen] Aw, don't get all pissy!

Billy Baldwin: [answers the phone] Baldwin residence. No, this is Billy Baldwin! If you want Daniel Baldwin, call his extension, stupid! [hangs up phone] Hey, Alec, do you know what sucks about being a Baldwin?
Alec Baldwin: No. What?
Billy Baldwin: Nothing! Yeah!
[Canadian jet fighters bomb the Baldwin residence, leaving only Billy alive]
Billy Baldwin: Ha-ha! You missed me! [a single fighter returns and bombs him.]
[at South Park Elementary, the school bell rings]
Mr. Garrison: Alright, children, your mothers are all making me throw away my lesson plan and teach theirs.
Stan: Mr. Garrison, how come our moms arrested Terrence and Phillip?
Kids: Yeah!
Kid: That's, that's gay.
Mr. Garrison: Uh, well, your moms are just upset. They're probably all on their periods or something.
Wendy: [whispers to Gregory] Not cool.
Gregory: Mr. Garrison, Wendy and I think that was a sexist statement.
Mr. Garrison: Well, I'm sorry, Wendy, but I just don't trust something that bleeds for five days and doesn't die. Anyway, children, let's start off with some vocabulary.
Mr. Mackey: [over speakers] Attention, students. M'kay?
Mr. Garrison: [annoyed] Oh, what now?
Mr. Mackey: [over speakers] Come to the gymnasium immediately for a special announcement. M'kay?

Saddam Hussein: Oh, boy! I'm so excited! Just one more day until we take over the world! I don't know if I can sleep, if you know what I mean.
Satan: [reading "Saddam is From Mars, Satan is From Venus"] This book is really interesting. It explains how people communicate differently, like how I communicate by wanting you to ask me questions, and then you--
Saddam Hussein: Hey, that is interesting! Let's fuck!
Satan: [disgusted] Saddam! I'm trying to have a nice conversation with you!
Saddam Hussein: [pulls out a fake dildo from under the covers] Hey, Satan!
Satan: Oh! N-Now that is just not appropriate!
Saddam Hussein: Oh, come on, I'm just fucking with you, it's not real! [throws the fake dildo away]
Satan: Oh, well, that's still not appropriate.
Saddam Hussein: [pulls out another fake dildo] Hey, Satan--
Satan: Ah!
Saddam Hussein: Hey, [throws the other fake dildo away] it's not real either! Come on, guy!

Satan: [appears in front of Kenny] Fallen one, I am Satan. I am your God now.
Kenny: [muffled] Oh my God! [tightens his hood as he tries to run away, but Satan blocks him.]
Satan: There is no escape! [Kenny is chained upside-down to a torture device, while whimpering in terror.] Now, feel the delightful pain. [pulls the lever.]
Kenny: [muffled] Ow. That hurts. Ooowww!
Saddam Hussein: [stopping Satan] Hey, Satan! [Kenny opens his eyes.] Did you hear the news? A war just broke out up on Earth.
Satan: [to Kenny] Meet Saddam Hussein, my new partner in evil!
Kenny: [muffled] Huh?!
Saddam Hussein: Move over, Satan. You're hogging all the fun. [starts operating the torture device] Yeah! Yeah! Man, this is getting me so hot!
Kenny: [muffled] Hey, what the fuck?!
Satan: [annoyed] Saddam, would you let me do my job, please?
Saddam Hussein: Come on, rub my nipples while I torture this little piggy.
Satan: Saddam, could I talk to you over here for a second? [he and Saddam sit on a sofa.] I don't see why you have to belittle me in front of people like that.
Saddam Hussein: Hey, relax, guy!
Satan: Well, sometimes, I think you don't have any respect for me.
Saddam Hussein: Hey, come here, guy. [hugs and strokes Satan] Who's my cream puff?
Satan: [flatly] I am.
Saddam Hussein: That's right, baby.
Kenny: [muffled, confused] Huh?

General Plymkin: Battalion 5, raise your hands. [Battalion 5, made up entirely of African-Americans, including Chef, does so] You will be the all important first attack wave, which we will call "Operation: Human Shield".
Chef: [outraged] Hey, wait a minute!
General Plymkin: Now keep in mind Operation: Human Shield will suffer heavy losses. Battalion 14? [Battalion 14, comprised entirely of Caucasians, raises their hands] Right, you are "Operation: Get Behind the Darkies". You will follow Battalion 5 here, and try not to get killed for God's sake! Are there any questions, men? [Chef raises his hand] Yes, soldier?
Chef: Have you ever heard of the Emancipation Proclamation?
General Plymkin: I don't listen to hip-hop. After that, we will march into the heart of Canada, and we will-- [map begins wigging out, Saddam's visage begins to take over the hologram]
Saddam Hussein: [tauntingly] Comin' to get ya. Comin' to get ya.
General Plymkin: What's wrong with this thing? [hologram shorts out] Fucking Windows '98! Get Bill Gates in here! [Gates enters via soldiers] You told us Windows '98 would be faster and more efficient, with better access to the Internet!
Bill Gates: It is faster, over five million-- [the General shoots Gates in the face]
General Plymkin: All right, men! Get lots of rest, and prepare to fight the Canadian scum! [soldiers cheer]

Dr. Doctor: Close him up. we've done all we can. The rest is up to God. Kenny? [Kenny opens an eye] Kenny, can you hear me?
Kenny: [muffled] Holy shit, dude.
Dr. Doctor: How are you feeling, son?
Kenny: [muffled] Like a sick animal.
Dr. Doctor: Great. Son, we have some bad news. We accidentally replaced your heart with a baked potato; you have about 3 seconds to live.
Kenny: [muffled, shocked] What?! [Kenny's potato heart blows up, spraying everyone with offal]
Cartman: Aw, fucking weak, dude!
Stan: Oh, my God, they killed Kenny! [Correcting his earlier statement when Kenny was run over by a truck that dumped salt over him after accidentally lighting himself on fire]
Kyle: You bastards!
Dr. Doctor: [tortured] Damn it! It never gets any easier! [walks away whistling and the other staff following out the door]
Cartman: [he, Kyle and Stan walk up to Kenny's corpse] I bet him he couldn't do it. I bet him $100.
Kyle: Come on, Cartman, it's not your fault.
Cartman: No, I know. I'm just fucking stoked I don't have to pay him.
Kyle: [angrily and sarcastically] Oh, that's real nice! He was your friend, you fat fuck!
[the boys' mothers barge into the ER.]
Sheila Broflovski: So, boys, you saw that movie again?
Boys: [miserably] Yes.
Sheila Broflovski: Well, Kyle, I have had it! You are grounded for the next two weeks!
[the boys gasp in horror]
Kyle: [shocked] Grounded?
Sharon Marsh: And you, Stan, come on.
Liane Cartman: And you're grounded for three weeks, Eric.
Cartman: EY, WHY AM I GROUNDED MORE?! THAT'S FUCKING BULLSHIT!
Sheila Broflovski: W-W-WHAT?! What was that word, young man?!

Cartman: You guys, this is all Kyle's Mom's fault.
Kyle: Shut up, Cartman!
Cartman: Kyle's Mom is the one that started that damn club, and all because she's a big, fat, stupid bi--
Kyle: Don't say it, Cartman!
Cartman: ♪ Well-- ♪
Kyle: Don't do it, Cartman!
Cartman: ♪ Well-- ♪
Kyle: I'm warning you!
Cartman: Okay, okay.
Kyle: [to kids] I'm gettin' pretty sick of him calling my mom a--
Cartman: ♪ Well, Kyle's mom's a bitch, she's a big fat bitch ♪
♪ She's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world ♪
♪ She's a stupid bitch, if there ever was a bitch ♪
♪ She's a bitch to all the boys and girls. ♪
Kyle: Shut your fucking mouth, Cartman!
Cartman: ♪ On Monday she's a bitch ♪
♪ On Tuesday she's a bitch ♪

♪ On Wednesday to Saturday she's a bitch ♪
♪ Then on Sunday, just to be different ♪
♪ She's a super King Kamehameha biyotch! ♪
Come on! You all know the words!
Cartman and Kids: ♪ Have you ever met my friend Kyle's mom? ♪
♪ She's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world. ♪
♪ She's a mean ole bitch, and she has stupid hair. ♪
♪ She's a bitch-bitch-bitch-bitch-bitch-bitch-bitch. ♪
♪ Bitch-bitch-bitch-bitch-bitch-bitch-bitch-bitch. ♪
♪ She's a stupid bitch! ♪
♪ Whoo! ♪
♪ Kyle's mom's a bitch ♪
♪ And she's such a dirty bitch! ♪
♪ Bitch! ♪
Talk to kids around the world, it might go a little bit something like this!
Chinese Kids: ♪ Kǎizi de māmā shìgè pōfù, tā shì jī lǎo mìshù dàshī, wǒ zhǐ xiǎng shuō, mōle bèi tā biàn pōfù! ♪
French Kids: ♪ Elle est la plus grande chienne dans le monde entier ♪
Dutch Kids: ♪ Ze is een stom kutwijf, als er iemand een kutwijf was ♪
Swahili Kids: ♪ Yeye ni Bitch yote ya wavulana na wasichana. ♪
Cartman: [and kids] ♪ Have you ever met my friend Kyle's mom? ♪
♪ She's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world. ♪
♪ She's a mean ole bitch, and she has stupid hair. ♪
♪ She's a bitch-bitch-bitch-bitch-bitch-bitch-bitch ♪
[Sheila appears, and the kids gasp in shock]
Cartman: ♪ Bitch-bitch-bitch-bitch-bitch-bitch-bitch-bitch. ♪
♪ She's a stupid bitch! ♪
Stan: Uh, Cartman--
Cartman: ♪ Kyle's mom's a bitch ♪
♪ And she's such a dirty bitch! ♪
♪ I really mean it. ♪
♪ Kyle's mom ♪
♪ She's a big fat fucking bitch! ♪
♪ Big ole fat fucking bitch, Kyle's mom! ♪
Yeah, Chaaaa! [notices kids shocked; obliviously] What? [turns about and see Sheila angry staring at him from behind; dumbfounded] Oh, fuck.
[camera cuts to outside of South Park Elementary at night]
Sheila Broflovski: Okay, everyone settle down! As we continue to send troops into Canada, M.A.C. is also fighting the war against potty mouths here at home. Here to present the V-Chip is Dr. Vosknocker.
Dr. Vosknocker: The machinery of the V-Chip is very simple. It is placed under the child's skin where it emits a small shock of electricity whenever an obscenity is uttered.
Randy Marsh: Now, uh, wait a minute. This chip somehow knows if the child is swearing?
Dr. Vosknocker: It's just like a lie detector, you see? Certain things happen to you when you swear, just like when you lie. The chip picks up on this, and gives the subject a little prick. [to Cartman] Patient B-5, would you step out here, please? [Cartman comes out.] Patient B-5 here has been fitted with the new V-Chip.
Cartman: [rubs his head in pain] Oh, my head hurts.
Dr. Vosknocker: Don't worry about that. Now, I want you to say "doggy".
Cartman: [nonchalantly] Doggy.
Dr. Vosknocker: [to parents] Notice that nothing happens. [to Cartman] Now say "Montana".
Cartman: Montana.
Dr. Vosknocker: Good. Now "pillow".
Cartman: Pillow.
Dr. Vosknocker: All right, now I want you to say "horse fucker".
[Cartman hesitates]
Liane Cartman: Go ahead, Eric. It's all right.
Cartman: Horse fu-- [gets shocked] AAAH!! Yiii!! [crowd gasps] That hurt, Godda-- [gets shocked] AIII! OW! Fuck! [gets shocked] Aghh!!
Dr. Vosknocker: Now I'd like you to say, "Big Floppy Donkey Dick".
Cartman: [angrily] NO!
Dr. Vosknocker: Success! The child doesn't want to swear!
Cartman: [angrily] This isn't fair, you sons of bitches! [gets shocked repeatedly, and screams in pain.]
Sheila Broflovski: We will start putting V-Chips in all our children next week!
[audience cheers]

[in the center of South Park, a bonfire is lit up. Citizens have thrown any Canadian items in it like a book burning]
Sheila: We must rid ourselves of anything Canadian!
Man in Crowd: Down with Canada!
Woman in Crowd: Bomb 'em!
[Clyde throws Terrance and Phillip dolls in fire.]
Kyle: Dude, don't you like Terrance and Phillip anymore?
Clyde: 'Course not! My mommy says I hate Canadians now 'cause they made me have a dirty mouth!
Woman: Burn it all! [throws "Alanis: Naked and Crying" CD in fire.]
Cartman: Hey, dudes.
Stan: What's the matter, Cartman?
Cartman: It's this V-Chip. I hate it. I can't say any dirty words.
Kyle: Really? So you can't say "Fuck"?
Cartman: No.
Kyle: And you can't say "shit"?
Cartman: Nope.
Kyle: So you can't say, "I'm Eric Cartman, the fattest fucking piece of shit in the world"?
Cartman: [angrily] Fuck you! [gets shocked by the V-chip] AAAAAH!
Kyle: Dude! Sweet!
Stan: Come on, you guys, this has gone far enough. It's time we talk to our moms.
Kyle: We're supposed to be grounded in our rooms.
Stan: Come on, Kyle! It's time for us to get political.
Shelia: Canada will no longer corrupt our children! [crowd cheers]
Kyle: [he and the other boys appear on stage] Mom, can I talk to you?
Shelia: Kyle, what are you doing here? You are grounded! Now get back to the house and stay there!
Sharon: You too, Stanley.
Stan: Mom, we think you're going too far! You can't kill Terrence & Phillip!
Shelia: We must fight for our children's futures!
Stan: You started a war you have to stop it!
Sharon: To make them safe again!
Stan: Hello?
Shelia: Our children are precious!
Stan: Hello?
[Stan waves his hand to get the mother's attention but they just ignore them. He, Kyle and Cartman then walk away, giving up]
Shelia: We must make a stand now! Stop at nothing!
Kyle: I told you my mom wouldn't listen.
Stan: Well then, we're just gonna have to save Terrance and Phillip ourselves!
Kyle and Cartman: What?
Stan: Think about it, you guys. What would Brian Boitano do? He'd figure out a way to rescue Terrance and Phillip before they're executed!
Kyle: We can't do anything. Our moms' organization is too strong.
Stan: Well then, we'll round up all the grounded kids in town and start our own organization. An organization to help save Terrance and Phillip!
Cartman: Hey, yeah! Our own secret club.
Kyle: I guess that could work.
Stan: We have to try! ♪ What would Brian Boitano do if he was here right now? ♪
♪ He'd make a plan and he'd follow through. ♪
♪ That's what Brian Boitano'd do! ♪
Kyle: ♪ When Brian Boitano was in the Olympics skating for the gold ♪
♪ He did two Salchows and a triple Lutz while wearing a blindfold! ♪
Cartman: ♪ When Brian Boitano was in the Alps fighting grizzly bears ♪
♪ He used his magical fire-breath, and saved the maidens fair! ♪
Stan and Kyle: ♪ So what would Brian Boitano do if he were here today? ♪
♪ I'm sure he'd kick an ass or two. ♪
♪ That's what Brian Boitano'd do!
Cartman: ♪ I want this V-chip out of me. ♪
♪It has stunted my vocabulary. ♪
Kyle: ♪ And I just want my mom to stop fighting everyone. ♪
Stan: ♪ For Wendy I'll be an activist, too ♪
♪ 'Cause that's what Brian Boitano'd do! ♪
The boys: ♪ And what would Brian Boitano do? ♪
♪ He'd call all the kids in town. ♪
♪ And tell them to unite for truth. ♪
♪ That's what Brian Boitano'd do! ♪
Brian Dennehy: [walks in] Did someone say my name?
Stan: Who are you?
Brian Dennehy: I'm Brian Dennehy.
Kyle: What? No, not fuckin' Brian Dennehy!
Stan: Yeah, get the fuck out of here!
Brian Dennehy: Oh. Bye. [walks out]
The boys: ♪ When Brian Boitano traveled through time to the year 3010 ♪
♪ He fought the evil Robot King, and saved the human race again. ♪
Cartman: ♪ And when Brian Boitano built the pyramids, he beat up Kublai Khan! ♪
Stan and Kyle: ♪ 'Cause Brian Boitano doesn't take shit ♪ [Cartman joins in] ♪ from anybody ♪
♪ So let's call all the kids together ♪
♪ And unite to stop our moms. ♪
♪ And we'll save Terrance and Phillip, too ♪
♪ 'Cause that's what Brian Boitano'd do! ♪
♪ And we'll save Terrance and Phillip, too ♪
♪ 'Cause that's what Brian Boitano'd do! ♪
♪ 'Cause that's what Brian Boitano'd do! ♪

Sharon: [worried] My God, this is terrible.
Sheila: [proudly] This is what we wanted! We wanted our children to be brought up in a smut-free environment!
Sharon: But we didn't want this!
[the moms walk out]
Sheila: Where are you going?
Sharon: [angrily] We're going to find our boys! For God's sake, Sheila, we're going to get them killed!
[Sheila looks at the war.]
Cartman: Kyle, all those times I said you were a big, dumb Jew, I didn't mean it. You're not a Jew.
[man screams]
Kyle: Yes, I am! I am a Jew, Cartman!
Cartman: No, no, Kyle, don't be so hard on yourself.

[After a group of black soldiers escapes under Chef's order, protesting the idea of human shields]
Black Soldier: Great plan, Chef!
Chef: "Operation Human Shield," my ass!

Sheila Broflovski: NOOOOO! [pulls out a gun, and she shoots Terrance, killing him.]
Phillip: [shocked, as Terrance is shot and killed] Terrance!
[Shelia shoots and kills Phillip as well]
Kyle Broflovski: [shocked and horrified] Holy shit, dude!
Sheila Broflovski: Young man, you watch your mouth!
[Terrance & Phillip's blood pour onto the soil. Suddenly, Satan and Saddam appear]
Satan: [roars] My time has come!
Saddam: You're all really fucked now!
General: It's Saddam Hussein! Shoot him!
[The soldiers attempt to shoot Saddam, but the bullets bounce off his body]
Saddam: [Laughs] What a dumb-ass!
[Demons rush out of the ground and attack everyone. Kenny comes out also]
Satan: [To Sheila] You have spilled the blood of the innocent. Now begins 2,000,000 years of darkness!
Chef: [angrily and sarcastically] Oh, good job, Miss Broflovski! Thanks a lot!
Sheila Broflovski: [scared] I was just trying to make the world a better place for children.
Saddam: Yeah, and you brought enough intolerance on the world to allow my coming! Now everyone, bow down to me! [both the Canadian soldiers and the American soldiers obey Saddam Hussein.] [evilly] Yeah, ha-ha-ha-haaa! Yeah! Bend over!
General: Oh, what have we done?
Satan: Saddam, I'm the dark ruler, not you.
Saddam: Relax, bitch. You're better seen, not heard.
Kenny: [muffled] Satan, you've got to do something!
Satan: I can't.
Saddam: Let's start by building a big statue of me, right over there where that fat kid is standing.
Cartman: [angrily] 'Ey! Don't call me fat, butt-fucker!
[He shoots pent-up electrical charges out of his fingers, which sends a demon flying into a rock. Cartman suddenly gets an idea and smiles]
Kyle: Yeah, Cartman. Do it!
Cartman: DAMN, SHIT! RESPECT MY FUCKING AUTHORITAH!
[Shoots electricity at Saddam, attacking him]
Saddam: [getting electrocuted] Agghh!
Cartman: Yes!
Saddam: Hey, you need to watch your mouth, brat.
Cartman: DOGSHIT TACO! [attacks Saddam more, much to everyone's surprise]
Saddam: [gets electrocuted] AAAHH! [falls back on the snow and bounces.] Quick, Satan, do something!
Cartman: Try this on for size. [inhales deeply] BLOOD-DRENCHED FROZEN TAMPON POPSICLE!
[Attacks Saddam more]
Saddam: Hey, buddy! I know I was mean before, but don't worry; I can change!
Satan: [in shock] Oh!
Cartman: Okay. [Saddam smiles evilly, people gasp in horror] Not! [takes a deep breath] FUCK, SHIT, COCK, ASS, TITTIES, BONER, BITCH, MUFF, PUSSY, CUNT, BUTTHOLE, BARBRA STREISAND!! [shoots electricity at Saddam, who is flown into a rock and severely electrocuted]
Saddam: [howls in pain, but amid the howls as Satan is horrified] Relax, guy! [To Satan] What are you waiting for, bitch? Destroy him! [Cartman gets scared] Come on, you weak, stupid cum-bucket! Save me!
Satan: [angrily] THAT'S IT! [Picks up Saddam] I HAVE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU!
[He throws Saddam back into Hell]
Saddam: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!! HEY, GUY! RELAAAAAAAAX!!!! [Saddam is impaled on a rock, and sighs in agony]
Satan: [sadly] He spent so much time convincing me I was weak and stupid that I...believed it myself. [to Kenny] I have you to thank, little one. You showed me that I had to get away from him. Just make any wish you want, and I shall grant it.
Kenny: [muffled] I want everything to go back to the way it was before.
[The boys gasp.]
Stan: Are you sure, Kenny?
General: What did he say?
Stan: He said that his wish is for everything to go back to the way it was before this horrible war.
Chef: Kenny, you'd realize that means you'd go back, too.
Kenny: [muffled] I know, but I learned something today. In the end... [continues speaking in a muffled voice] ...and I knew I had to do it for all the lives in the world.
Satan: Well, very well, then. I will pull all my minions back. I guess I'm destined to live in Hell...alone. [sees Mr. Hat.] Hello. What's this? [picks up Mr. Hat.] Hi, there, little guy. Would you like to go to Hell with me? [as Mr. Hat.] Sure. I bet we could be best friends, Mr. Satan.
Chef: Feel free to come back and visit us anytime you want, Satan.
Satan: I just might do that.
Kyle: Thank you, Kenny.
Stan: Yeah, thanks for going back to Hell for us. You're a real pal.
[Kenny turns around, takes off his hood, and the camera shows his real face.]
Kenny: Goodbye, you guys. [smiles as he disappears. The boys smile and wave good-bye. Satan pulls all his minions back, and everything goes back to normal.]
Mr. Garrison: I--I'm alive. Where's Mr. Hat?
Big Gay Al: Wow, we were all dying and now we're fine. That's super!
Terrance: What the fuck's going on?
[a rainbow appears over South Park.]
Kyle: You see, Mom? After all that, it was Cartman's filthy fucking mouth that saved us all.
Sheila: [smiling] I'm sorry I didn't pay attention to you, Kyle. [kisses Kyle]
[Wendy kisses Stan on the lips; Stan pukes on Wendy, but Wendy smiles]
Stan: But, Wendy, what about Gregory?
Wendy: Oh, Stan, I never really cared for Gregory.
Stan: You didn't?
Wendy: No, dude. Fuck Gregory! Fuck him right in the ear! [Gregory is angrily offended.]
Stan: [happily] Yay! Thank you, clitoris.
Chef: [singing] ♪ Everything worked out, what a happy end. Americans and Canadians are friends again. So let's all join hands and knock oppression down. ♪
Chorus: ♪ Good Lordy, I'm found. ♪
Boys: ♪ Don't you know our little lives are now complete? ♪
Liane, Sharon, Sheila: ♪ 'Cause Terrance and Phillip are sweet. ♪
Sheila: Super sweet!
Chorus: ♪ Thank God we live in this quiet, little, piss-ant, redneck, Podunk, jerkwater, greenhorn, one-horse, mud hole, pecker wood, right-wing, whistle-stop, hobnail, truck-driving, old-fashioned, hayseed, inbred, unkempt, out-of-date, out-of-touch, white trash... ♪
Boys: Kick-ass!
Chorus: ♪ Mountain...town! ♪
Kyle: [sees Kenny] Look!
[Kenny flies to heaven for his good deeds. South Park inhabitants wave good-bye to Kenny. Topless angels wait for Kenny, and two nude angels give Kenny a halo and wings.]

[last line; in post-credits scene]
Ike: [sees mouse in attic] Guys out there is hurted. [eats mouse.]

TaglinesEdit

  • Warning: This movie will warp your fragile little minds.
  • All Hell Breaks Loose
  • Uh oh.
  • It's not just another day in the park.
  • Uh-Oh, The Critics Love It!

CastEdit

  • Trey Parker — Eric Cartman/Stan Marsh/Mr. Garrison/Mr. Mackey/Randy Marsh/Ned Gerblanski/Army General/Bombadiers/Canadian Ambassador/Theatre Clerk/Phillip/Satan
  • Matt Stone — Kyle Broflovski/Kenny McCormick/Saddam Hussein/Gerald Broflovski/Bill Gates/Jimbo Kearn/Terrance
  • Mary Kay Bergman — Liane Cartman/Sheila Broflovski/Sharon Marsh/Wendy Testaburger/Clitoris
  • Isaac Hayes — Chef (voice)
  • Jesse Howell — Ike Broflovski (voice)
  • Anthony Cross-Thomas — Ike Broflovski (voice)
  • Franchesca Clifford — Ike Broflovski (voice)
  • Jennifer Howell — Bebe Stevens (voice)
  • George Clooney — Dr. Gouache/Dr. Doctor (voice)
  • Brent Spiner — Conan O'Brien (voice)
  • Minnie Driver — Brooke Shields (voice)
  • Dave Foley — The Baldwin Brothers (voice)
  • Eric Idle — Dr. Vosknocker (voice)

External linksEdit

Trey Parker and Matt Stone
  Films     1990s     Cannibal! The Musical  (1993) · Orgazmo  (1997) · BASEketball  (1998) · South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut  (1999)  
  2000s     Team America: World Police  (2004)  
  Television     Time Warped  (1995) · South Park  (1997–present) · 50th Primetime Creative Arts Emmy Awards  (1998) · That's My Bush!  (2001) · Kenny vs. Spenny  (2003–2010) · How's Your News?  
  (2009)  
  Music     DVDA · Chef Aid: The South Park Album  (1998) · Mr. Hankey's Christmas Classics  (1999) · "Timmy and the Lords of the Underworld" (2000)  
  Theatre     The Book of Mormon  (opened 2011)  
  Video games     South Park: The Stick of Truth  (2014)  
  See also     The Spirit of Christmas  (1992, 1995) · Your Studio and You  (1995) · Princess  (1993)