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South Park/Season 18


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South Park (1997-) is an adult animated television series created by Trey Parker and Matt Stone. Distributed by and airing on Comedy Central, it follows the surreal adventures of four young boys who live in the small town of South Park, Colorado.

Go Fund Yourself [18.01]Edit

Gluten Free Ebola [18.02]Edit

USDA Leader: Okay, listen up! We have the obligation to make this thing right and tell people what is and what isn't safe to eat. We are the USDA! Without us people would be eating dirt and chairs!

Worker: Oh Jesus.
Shelley: Beer is all wheat, Dad!
Randy: Shut up, beer is bad for you?!

[Papa John's (Gluten Quarantine Center 1), Stan approaches]
Stan: Dad? Dad!
Randy: [appears through a window] Stan! ...Hey! ...How's my boy? Daddy's gonna be all right. Okay?
Stan: Yeah. Dad, you know that guy at work you is Lorde's uncle or something?
Randy: I can't touch you or hug you, but... but I'm right with you. Do you understand?
Stan: Yeah. You remember you said that Lorde, the singer, her uncle worked with you?
Randy: How's your mom? Your, your sister?
Soldier: [walks up next to him and begins tugging at him] This is a quarantined area, kid. You're, you're gonna have to go.
Stan: No, no, no, not yet. DAD!
Randy: That's my son, you bastard!
Soldier: I'm sorry, all right?
Stan: Dad, who's the guy at work that knows Lorde? Let me go! DAD!
Randy: Stan!
Stan: Let me talk to my dad!
Randy: STAN!!!

Blond: They're just gonna let us starve to death?
Randy: They don't care about us. face it! We're already dead to them.
Blond: [makes up his mind] Well then, I guess I might as well eat! [walks towards the storage room]
Mr. Garrison: There's nothing left, I told you!
Blond: There's plenty of pizza dough.
Randy: Are you crazy?!
Blond: I'm crazy hungry! [takes a wad of dough and begins eating it] Oh... Oh... F**k it's so good. [Randy and Mr. Garrison wait for the other shoe to drop] I want more! It's, it's been so long! [gets more dough and eats voraciously]
Randy: Oh my God, you... but... you're okay.
Blond: You don't think it's a little ridiculous that wheat protein is toxic? This whole thing was a setup, man!
Mr. Garrison: A setup? But by who?
Randy: Oh my God, we... we have to get a hold of someone who and get the word out.
Blond: Maybe Papa John can help us. If we can get a hold of them, then maybe we can-- [his penis quickly flies off and dies]
Randy: Ng-oh. [snaps his fingers]

Radio Host: Now, this party is also for a good cause, because it's to honor a little boy with diabetes, Scott Malkinson. Is that correct?
Cartman: Yeah, you know, diabetes affects us all, but it mostly affects Scott Malkinson.

The Cissy [18.03]Edit

E! Announcer: You're watching E! Entertainment News! That's how low you've sunk.

Wendy: What the hell do you think you're doing?
Cartman: I'm going to the potty.
Wendy: This is the girls' bathroom!
Cartman: All right, I need to tell you something, Wendy: I'm transginger.
Wendy: What?
Cartman: Did you notice the bow? I'm not comfortable with the sex I was assigned at birth so I'm exercising my right to identify with the gender of my choice, now get out of my way. I have to take a shit.

Handicar [18.04]Edit

Russian Cab Driver: Nobody takes jobs away from us! We need to speak to mayor and tell her to shut down this illegitimate business!
Muslim Cab Driver: Or maybe we can have the police shut them down.
Mimsy: Hey, I got an idea! Why don't you guys just make your cars cleaner and nicer and try to be better to your customers so you can compete with Handicar's popularity in the market place?

Nathan: How can people be so ineffectual, Mimsy?
Mimsy: Dah, I don't know, boss.
Nathan: These are supposed to be men who care about their occupation.
Mimsy: Dah, maybe if they're that incompetent we shouldn't be trying to save their jobs. Maybe Handicar is a kind of natural selection where more diligent workers are weeding out the useless ones. DEEERRR!

The Magic Bush [18.05]Edit

Cartman: You wanna take it out for a spin?
Butters: Are you crazy? This is my dad's drone!
Cartman: Do you have any idea how much fun we could have with this thing? We could spy on everyone!
Butters: My dad said it's not for spying on people.
Cartman: Butters, that's all drones are for.

[Stotch Residence, Thomas Tucker bangs on the front door and Stephen comes to answer it]
Thomas Tucker: You got a problem, Stotch?!
Stephen Stotch: What are you talkin' about?
Thomas Tucker: You know what I'm talking about! There was a drone spying on my wife, and you're the only person I know with a drone!
Stephen Stotch: Hey now hold on. I am a drone hobby enthusiast. I would never use my drone in a way that contradicts the drone hobbyist code of conduct.
Thomas Tucker: Horse-shit! Your drone is out there flying around right now!
Stephen Stotch: I assure you, my drone is sitting in the garage. I'll show you. [leads Thomas to the garage, opens the side door, sure enough, the drone and its controller are on the floor as expected] There, you see? It's right there.
Thomas Tucker: So... so you flew it back here in time?
Stephen Stotch: I swear I didn't fly it.
Thomas Tucker: Well these things don't just fly themselves, do they? They ought to be illegal. I better not find out it was your drone! [leaves the garage]

Linda Stotch: You know, it used to be called natural! Completely shaving bald down there used to be the weird thing!

Stephen Stotch: Please do not adjust your televisions! My name is Stephen Willis Stotch. The drone that took the video of Craig's mom... was my drone. I didn't want to believe it, but they do things without us knowing. At this point, I have completely lost all enthusiasm for the hobby. All of you with drones, please listen to me. Three days ago my drone recorded a video that something uploaded to the Internet. We all were told to respectfully not watch the video. But on the page, [holds up a printout of the YouTube page] it has over 300,000,000 views, so if none of us watched it, who did? We have to find a way to get rid of them! Before they get rid of us!

Freemium Isn't Free [18.06]Edit

Kyle: We have to find a way to get the word out. People need to know pushers are being hired to take advantage of people with addiction problems. There has to be a way we can get to the news company and sneak in and somehow borrow their TV signal. If we can disguise ourselves as something ridiculous...
Cartman: [uses his phone] It's done.
Kyle: Wha-what's done?
Cartman: The word is out. Terrance and Phillip hired pushers to make money off addicts. I Tweeted it. It's trending.

Minister of Mobile Gaming: And so in conclusion, the successful premium game is based on five principles: Entice the player with a simple game loop, use lots of flashing cashings and compliments to make the player feel good about themselves, train the players to spend your fake currency, offer the player a way to spend real currency for your fake currency...
Prince of Canada: So they'll forget they're spending money.
Minister of Mobile Gaming: ...and make the game about waiting. But let the player pay not to wait. It's a surefire way to make lots of money.
Phillip: We understand micropaying, but can't the game hidden inside the charade just at least be fun?
Minister of Mobile Gaming: No no! It has to be just barely fun. If the game were too fun, then there would be no reason to micropay in order to make it more fun.

Grounded Vindaloop [18.07]Edit

Stephen: There you are, mister! Just what do you think you're doing?!
Butters: Hello Dad! It's me, Butters!
Stephen: I know that! What do you-?
Butters: This is for all the times I got grounded! [Makes a fist and fires it at Stephen's groin; Stephen doubles over in pain]
Stephen: Ohhh! Oooooo! Ohhh!
Butters: HA! I can almost feel his balls on my fist! Haha! How do you like that, Dad?!
Linda: [horrified] Butters, why?! Oh my God!

Butters: Who's the man now?! I'm gonna take his car! This is like "Grand Theft Auto!"
Driver: Hey!
Butters: Whoa! Huh, I'm in the car now.

Butters: Hahaha, I'm in the bad part of town! I just hit a lamp post! Ah, ah-I'm back on my feet. Oh, oh that's cool. There's a prostitute out here.
Cartman: Okay Butters, let's call it good, okay?
Butters: I'm gonna beat her up and take her money!
Cartman: Wait, hang on Butters!
Butters: Take that, you damn hooker!
Hooker: What you doin' motherf**ker?!
Butters: I'm taking your money! Ow. Oh she stabbed me. Uh the hooker stabbed me.
Cartman: Butters get back to my room! The veracrosses are destablilzing!
Butters: I can't... I can't breathe too good. Eric, I can't see. Are you still there? Oh... I think I overdid it. I have to take this thing off. What the hell? What the hell is that?! AAAH!

[Hell's Pass Hospital]
Dr. Carroll: You're very lucky, young man. You've got a couple of hairline fractures, but the knife missed your spleen by half an inch.
Butters: I... I d-didnn't think a knife could really hurt me. Ah I thought I was just in a virtual reality.
Dr. Carroll: No, you actually got stabbed by a hooker. We've called your parents and they're on their way. Your dad wanted me to let you know that you're grounded more than you can possibly imagine.
Butters: Aw nuts!
Dr. Carroll: Try and relax, and when your parents get here we'll sort this all out.
Butters: I wonder how long I'm grounded for.

Steve: Ooooohhhhh, f********k yooouuuuu!
Steve: No, no, no, no, no, no, do not f**k me because I am you and then we will be just f**king ourselves!

Kyle: Well, are you happy, Cartman? Butters is completely traumatized.
Cartman: I'm happy that I totally got away with it.

Cock Magic [18.08]Edit

Cartman: What should we name him, Kenny? I know, how about McNuggets?

Stan: [to the girls' volleyball coach] Dude, girls volleyball isn't a joke; jokes are hard and require skill.

#REHASH [18.09]Edit

Stan: Why'd you have to rub your clit on stage, dad?

Old Man on the Bus: Oh, you're a hunter; what do you prey upon?
Michael Jackson's Hologram: Nobody! That's ignorant!
Old Man on the Bus: Well, you must have a favorite kind of prey?
Michael Jackson's Hologram: Allegedly! Allegedly! That's ignorant!
Old Man on the Bus: You know, excuse me for saying so, but... you seem kind of transparent.
Michael Jackson's Hologram: That's ignorant, I'm just cold.
Old Man on the Bus: I'm saying, it must make it easier to sneak up on your prey.
Michael Jackson's Hologram: Allegedly! I'm weary of this conversation, can we please stop talking? Please! Ignorant.

#HappyHolograms [18.10]Edit

Randy: I love children just as much as you do.
Michael Jackson's Hologram: Allegedly! That was a civil suit and there was no evidence! It's ignorant.