South Park (Not Suitable for Children)

Seasons: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 Paramount+ specials: The Streaming Wars, Joining the Panderverse, (Not Suitable For Children) | Main

Cartman: Yeah, but it's, like, seriously, look at how it's suddenly everybody now. Like that Spencer Hollis kid. He never even cared about Cred, he just drinks it 'cause some stupid influencer said it's cool now. Hey, hey, Clyde, where's your Cred?

Clyde: Oh, um, it's in my… I-I already drank it.

Cartman: See? That's what I'm talking about. Clyde likes Cred so much that he drank all his before noon. That's a real Cred drinker. Unlike all the poser Cred drinkers like Spencer Hollis!

Spencer: Fuck you.

Cartman: Fuck you, Spencer, you're a fucking poser!

Mr. Mackey: [barges into the principal's office] You guys, we have a big problem!

PC Principal: What is it?

Mr. Mackey: It's about the South Park Elementary art teacher.

Strong Woman: Mrs. Streibel? What about her?

Mr. Mackey: We just found out that she's been… doing pornographic videos on OnlyFans.

PC Principal: [shocked] Oh, no.

Mr. Mackey: Oh, yes. There's gonna be a big meeting tonight, and everybody's gonna see it.

Roger: How are we supposed to go home and explain to our children that their art teacher is a slut?!

Strong Woman: She is not a slut. Mrs. Streibel is a woman engaging in a legal activity on a website that is for adults only.

Randy: Of course kids are gonna see it. They see everything on the Internet.

PC Principal: Well, the problem is you guys buy your kids phones, okay? Just like you buy them all these unhealthy hydration drinks.

Stephen: Oh, don't turn this around on us. We can't control what our kids drink or what they watch. They're your kids.

Strong Woman: Many teachers are struggling to get by and need ways to supplement their income. Mrs. Streibel makes close to minimum wage as a teacher, but on OnlyFans, she makes an extra $10,000 a week.

Richard: It doesn't matter how much she made.

Randy: Did she say $10,000 a week?

Mr. Mackey: Listen, we have suspended Mrs. Streibel, indefinitely, m’kay? But over the next few days, you should probably talk to your kids about what they might have seen, m'kay.

[Donovan Residence; Roger and Janice are sitting at the dining table holding hands when Clyde comes home from school]

Roger: Uh, hey, Clyde, why don't you come over here and have a seat.

Clyde: What?

Roger: Uh, have a seat, pal. We need to talk to you. [Clyde takes a seat in the opposite side] Clyde… we're understanding that some tough things have been going on at school.

Clyde: Yes. Yes, they have.

Roger: All right, well, we know that some of the stuff you're dealing with might be kind of disturbing.

Clyde: Yes, it's totally disturbing, yes.

Janice: All right, Clyde, well, we want to try and help you.

Clyde: Really? You do? Oh, thank God. Finally.

Roger: Yeah, pal, let-let me explain to you what "double penetration" is.

Clyde: Double penetration?

Roger: See, in your art teacher's OnlyFans page, her and two men, who love each other very much, wanted to express that love...

Clyde: Dad, nobody cares about double penetration! My life at school is awful because you don't let me drink hydrating sports drinks like all the other kids!

Janice: Clyde, we've told you, those things are filled with additives and fake sugar, and they're not good for children.

Clyde: You're not even my real mom, Janice, so why don't you shut the fuck up?!

Roger: Clyde, that's enough!

Clyde: Every other kid at school is allowed to have it. They all have Cred, but I have zero Cred because my dad and his stupid girlfriend think it's bad for me!

Janice: Why do you want to be like all the other kids?

Clyde: Shut up, Janice, you're not my mom!

Roger: All right, Clyde, we're trying to have a nice talk with you about double penetration, and you can just go to your room now!

Clyde: Fine! [storms off angrily as he makes his way to the stairs] Thanks a lot for making sure your son is the only kid in school without any Cred!

Sharon: I am not subscribing to your OnlyFans page, Randy.

Randy: Okay, well, you're a cunt.

Sharon: Get your balls off the table!

Randy: Oh, oh, great, Sharon, you just ruined the shot!

Sharon: The guys at the deli wanted me to say hi, Randy. They all saw you on OnlyFans.

Randy: Really? Are they gonna subscribe?

Sharon: No, they're not going to subscribe! Nobody's going to subscribe, Randy! Will you fucking stop?!

Randy: This stuff takes time. You don't just put up a page and immediately get followers. You have to support it with other social media, have a craft to teach... Being an influencer takes time, Sharon!

Sharon: Oh, so now you're an influencer?!

Randy: Yes! I'm an influencer!

Sharon: Maybe you should see how it feels, Randy. Maybe I should go and do my own OnlyFans.

Randy: [chuckles] What? What? Yeah, like people are gonna pay to see your OnlyFans.

Sharon: I'll make more than you do!

Randy: Sharon, being an influencer is work. You got to pay for the lighting, for the sound, you got to be good at editing!

Sharon: Okay. Cool, Randy. I'm gonna go start an OnlyFans channel.

Randy: Ok-okay. Okay, you go do that, Sharon!

Sharon: I'm gonna fuckin' do it!

Cartman: Hey, Stan. Hey, Stan.

Clyde: No, no, dude, wait!

Cartman: Check out what Clyde has. Moonrise Mellow.

Stan: That's impossible.

Butters: [laughs] Look at their faces. They're so jealous.

Stan: No, it's really impossible. Moonrise Mellow was discontinued months ago.

Cartman: Guess you wish now that you were in the Cred affinity group. We told you guys we have better Cred than anyone at school!

Kyle: It's probably fake.

Eric: Oh! Oh, you think it's fake, huh? [opens the bottle] You want to fucking taste it [drinks the contents of it and ends up spitting it out] What the fuck?! This is fucking apple juice! Gross!

Stan: Let's see. [takes the bottle out of Cartman's hand]

Clyde: Hey, give it back!

Stan: [drinks the contents of the bottle] Yeah, it's apple juice. You guys are posers.

Tweek: We're not posers!

Kyle: Hey, guys. Cred affinity group uses fake Cred.

[Cartman, Butters, Tweek, and Clyde run into the boys' restroom]

Cartman: What the fuck?! What the fuck have you done, Clyde?!

Clyde: I'm sorry, okay?!

Cartman: Oh, he's sorry. He faked having Cred, but he's sorry!

Clyde: All right, look, my parents won't let me drink Cred, okay? They think it's bad for me.

Cartman: [shocked] So you never had Cred?

Clyde: No.

Butters: Oh, my God!

Cartman: We all said you had Cred in your backpack, Clyde. We fucking backed you!

Butters: What the hell are we gonna do?!

Clyde: Why do you guys care? I'm the one who doesn't have any Cred!

Tweek: [grabs hold of Clyde's shirt collar and shakes him] That's not how it works, man! If you don't have Cred, then everyone around you loses all their Cred! [stops shaking]

Cartman: We're dead. We're fuckin' dead! Word is gonna spread through the school that our affinity group has no Cred and then we're gonna… [begins to gag and runs into the stall, throwing up]

Butters: How could you do this to us, Clyde?!

Clyde: I'm sorry! It was all the pressure!

Tweek: I never even wanted to be in an affinity group! Now I'm doomed!

[Donovan Residence; Clyde enters the house through the front door and then slams it shut, angrily]

Roger: Oh, hey there, Clyde. How was school?

Clyde: You want to know how school was? [outraged] It fucking sucked! All I wanted was to have a little bit of Cred at school, but now I've destroyed it and everyone hates me!

Janice: Oh, Clyde, we're only trying to do what's best for you.

Clyde: And you shut the fuck up, Janice! YOU ARE NOT MY MOM!