South Park The Streaming Wars

South Park: Seasons: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 | Bigger, Longer & Uncut | Specials: The Streaming Wars, Joining the Panderverse, (Not Suitable for Children), The End of Obesity

South Park (1997–present) is an adult animated television series created by Trey Parker and Matt Stone. Distributed by and airing on Comedy Central, it follows the surreal adventures of four young boys who live in the small town of South Park, Colorado.

Part 1

[Randy's office; Shelley knocks on the door from outside]

Randy: Yes? Come in.

Shelley: Mom said you wanted to see me.

Randy: Yes, Shelley, have a seat. Close the door please. I've been, uh, wanting to talk to you, Shelley. Um… Can you tell me why everyone is calling me "Karen?"

Shelley: Don't worry about it.

Randy: Well, everybody keeps calling me "Karen," and I don't get it. Is it, is it, like, a joke, or something?

Shelley: "Karen" is a pejorative term for a white person who acts overly entitled and demanding.

Randy: Okay, well, that's fucked up. Don't you think that's a little, like, sexist?

Shelley: I didn't start it.

Randy: Well, who did?

Shelley: The internet.

Randy: So– so now somebody is a Karen just 'cause they want to be treated with some respect? I deserve to not have people walk all over me, okay?! I have the right to call the cops when things happen!

Shelley: That's fine, Karen.

Randy: Shelley, I deserve to not have– [looks out of the window to see the water commissioner inspecting the fields] what the fuck is he doing here?!

Randy: [pulls up at Mr. Cussler's property with Stan, holding a "Cussler Industries" boat] Come on. [knocks on the door]

Realtor: [answers the door] Yes?

Randy: Hello, we'd like to speak with Mr. Cussler, please.

Realtor: For what?

Randy: Well, I want to let him know that my son here made a streaming deal that he had no business making. Didn't you, Stan?

Stan: No, technically, no.

Randy: Technically what?!

Realtor: I'm afraid Mr. Cussler can't see you.

Randy: Oh, really? Okay, well, you go and tell him that it's Karen Marsh, okay? And that I will talk to him right now.

Realtor: He can't talk to you because he's dead!

Stan: What?!

Realtor: Mr. Cussler's body was found several hours ago. He was… attacked by ManBearPig.

[Crime scene]

Yates: Everyone keep this area clear. I need casts of the footprints. Keep your radios down. We don't want the press showing up.

Randy: What's going on here?

Yates: Aw, shit, it's Karen.

Randy: Hey, look, my son was in business with this guy. You really think he was killed by ManBearPig?

Yates: Take a look for yourself. Something tore him apart and shit in his face. Workers found him late this morning. The footprints are those of a pig, but the claw marks are those of a bear, and the excrement, clearly that of a man.

Randy: Why would ManBearPig single him out?

Yates: Apparently this Cussler guy was taking advantage of the water supply. ManBearPig must've gotten some kind of vengeance for the rich guy's greed.

Randy: Oh, no.

Yates: Karen? What is it? Karen?

Randy: It's just that… if ManBearPig was getting vengeance on Cussler, would he also want to come after my son?

Dr. Stevens: How is he?

Nurse: I believe he's coming to, Doctor.

Dr. Stevens: Hello, Eric. Just want to let you know that everything went fine. We're gonna let the anesthesia wear off a little more, and then we can let you go home.

Cartman: [stammers] Okay. Um, cool.

Liane: Well, you did it, Eric. I hope you're happier now. They all said you were very insistent. That you said you'd cancel them if they didn't put breast implants in one of us.

Cartman: I have fake tits? [pulls the blanket off his chest]

Liane: They said that tube is for draining blood while the swelling goes down. Your breasts are swollen now as a reaction to the implants.

Cartman: Okay, well, now that you see how serious I was, what are you gonna do now?

Liane: I'm gonna go down and get some grocery shopping done. [walks away]

Cartman: Mom? I will go to school like this! You're gonna have to give in at some point! [pause] Mom?!

Cartman: [walks up to the boys with his enlarged breasts] You guys! You guys, something is seriously wrong with my mom. She's acting crazy. Are any of your parents acting weird at all?

Butters: Hey, fellas, are we making more boats for the– Whoa, hello! [stares at Cartman's breasts] Jesus, what happened to you, Eric?

Cartman: Okay, okay, fine. I was hoping everyone would just be cool, but I guess we need to talk about the elephants in the room. This was not a choice. You guys, I… I live in a hot dog, okay? And all I want is to have a real home, and a room that is mine to sleep in at night. To– [sees Clyde stifling his laughter] is something funny, Clyde? Yeah, it's real funny. If I were you guys, I'd be super pissed at my mom because you worked hard for this money.

Kyle: All right, Cartman, stop fucking around. Obviously, those aren't real.

Cartman: I didn't say they're real. They're not real. They're silicone implants surgically inserted under the chest muscle.

Kyle: Nobody believes you actually got fake tits.

Cartman: These are real fake tits! Kenny, feel them. Go on, feel them.

Kenny: [touches the breasts] Those are fucking real, dude.

Kyle: What?

Cartman: Thank you, Kenny. Now, if we can all get our minds off fucking boobs for a second, something's happened to my mom.

Tolkien: Mom? Mom, what's wrong? [the boys turn around to see him talking to his mom on the phone] Mom, slow down, I can't understand you. [pause] What do you mean Dad is missing?

Cartman: See?

Part 2

Reporter: Tom, I'm standing outside the courthouse where the judge had just thrown out the Cartman v. Cartmancase. The judge said, quote, "You're all a bunch of shitheads. Get out of my courtroom." Just proof once again, Tom, that streaming services have made everything suck.

Cartman: 'Kay, Mom, well, I hope you learned your lesson. So, maybe now, will you get fake tits so I can get these stupid things out?

Liane: No, Eric! No!

Cartman: [as they pass by Wendy's] Can I get a Frosty?

[Stotch Residence; Butters is sitting at the kitchen table finishing up his plate with his parents glaring unhappily at him]

Butters: Okay, I'm done.

Stephen: All right, then put your plate in the sink and march right on upstairs. Maybe the next time you decide to pit streaming services against each other and cause a drought, you'll think twice. [follows Butters upstairs to his room after he puts his plate in the sink] I want no playing, no reading, and no thinking about fun stuff. You are being grounded. [closes the bedroom door]

Butters: It's not my fault streaming services paid people more than was sustainable for any business model.

Cartman: Butters. Shh! Butters, stop.

Butters: Eric! You can't be in here, I'm grounded!

Cartman: We've been set up, Butters.

Butters: What?

Cartman: The whole streaming wars! The whole thing was a lie!

Butters: Eric, is that a real gun?

Cartman: Fuck yes, it's a real gun. Butters, listen to me. Someone bought up all the water and murdered anyone who got in their way.

Butters: No…

Cartman: Yes, Butters. Someone worked with the Colorado water commissioner and cheated the system. The same person who is now using climate change to make a profit!

Butters: Who?

Cartman: It didn't make sense to me. Why my mom was being so stubborn. Why wouldn't she do what I asked. But then I saw Tolkien across the street and I figured it out… Tolkien is fucking my mom.

Butters: Tolkien?!

Cartman: I wanted my mom to get fake tits so she could marry the rich guy across the street. Now that guy is dead and my mom is acting strange. The only explanation is that she's fucking Tolkien and they don't want me to know!

Butters: But, Eric, Tolkien was making those boats with us, he…

Cartman: Butters, Butters. My eyes are up here. Stop staring at my tits.

Butters: Oh, sorry.

Cartman: There's a bad guy out there getting away with murder, Butters. And we have to catch him.

Stan: Dad? You okay?

Randy: What have I become, Stan? I used to be a scientist. Do you remember that? I was the one who warned the town about a volcano. I warned them about the day after tomorrow. And then… It all became about weed. When did that happen, Stan?

Stan: I guess we all just got greedy, Dad.

Randy: I wanted to be a scientist because scientists solve problems. Do you even know what kind of a geologist I was, Stan?

Stan: No.

Randy: I was a "fluvial geomorphologist". Someone who studies the changes in streams and rivers. And when the town needed me most… I was just out bitching because all I cared about was getting high and rich. I can't even remember the old me.

Sharon: How's it all going? [hands Randy his coffee]

Randy: Oh, thanks, honey. It's good. Fast. I think we can have this thing up and running for tests in a week.

Sharon: That's amazing.

Randy: You're not so bad yourself, babe. [smiles and starts to walk off] Oh, and hey, Sharon? Sorry about the whole "weed thing."

Sharon: It's okay, Randy.

Randy: All right, Nelson, I've updated the engineering. I've accounted for the elevation but I still can't figure out the pipeline. The problem is actually getting enough pressure to get the saltwater up here to the plant.

Nelson: It almost seems impossible. I don't know how you get saltwater up here without a tremendous amount of energy.

Randy: Yeah, well, let's just keep working. There has to be an answer. Science always has an answer.

Nelson: Randy, it's good to have you back at the U.S. Geological Survey.

Randy: Thanks, Nelson. Oh, and hey, Nelson? Sorry about the whole "weed thing."

Nelson: That's okay, Randy.

Randy: You wanna tell me what the fuck is going on?!

Pi-Pi: Scusi, who let you in?

Randy: I let myself in because it's a free country, and I'll stand where I fucking want!

Pi-Pi: Get him out of here!

Randy: [backing off the two lifeguards] Don't you fucking touch me! Don't any of you fucking touch me!

Pi-Pi: Okay, we obviously have a bit of a Karen here, let's, uh…

Randy: You can call me Karen all you fucking want! Motherfucker! Why don't you tell everyone what you've been doing?!