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South Park/Season 17

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South Park (1997-) is an adult animated television series created by Trey Parker and Matt Stone. Distributed by and airing on Comedy Central, it follows the surreal adventures of four young boys who live in the small town of South Park, Colorado.

Let Go, Let Gov [17.01]Edit

Cartman: I've done it. I've infiltrated the NSA, and gained their trust. So far, I've not ascertained how they were able to keep track of everyone in the country, but I'm close. Very close. I just hope that I'm not found out as a whistleblower before I'm able to expose their entire operation.
Date: What is that voice?
Alec Baldwin: Some little faggot in my head.

Informative Murder Porn [17.02]Edit

Randy: [naked and at Stan's door after finding out a parental lock has been put on the TV] Stan. Stan! How do you tame a horse in Minecraft?
Stan: [barely awake in bed] What?
Randy: What is Minecraft and how do you tame a horse in it?
Stan: You guys don't need to be watching that stuff.
Randy: Oh! Come on! You can't block your parents from watching informative murder porn! What? Ya-you think if we watch shows about married people killing each other all the time we're gonna go out and do it? That's stupid! I'm not going to go out and kill your mom just because I watch Investigative Discovery, Stan. I'd be impossible to clear away all the DNA evidence anyway! Even if I hired someone else to kill her, I'd have to kill that person, too, because 96% of the time that person eventually tells the truth! I thought this through a lot!

Randy: Excuse me! Our content is being blocked and we need it now!
Get Cable company front desk man: I'm sorry, sir, if you need it now, then perhaps you should switch to another cable company. Ooohhh! There's not another cable company, is there? [starts rubbing his nipples] Oh, that's right - we're the only one in town.
Randy: Look, if our kids can block content, then you must be able to unblock them.
Get Cable company front desk man: As we told the others, sir, we can fix it, we just need to send a technician out to your house to change out your cable box.
Randy: Oh. Okay, great.
Get Cable company front desk man: [typing] We just need to find a window of time you'll be home... how about between the hours of six AM and three PM all of November?
Randy: No I can wait around my house from six AM and three PM all of November!
Get Cable company front desk man: [starts rubbing his nipples again] Ooohhh, you can't? Geez, that's too bad, you need to be home for the technician. Have you thought about switching to DirecTV?
Randy: I can't afford DirecTV.
Get Cable company front desk man: Ooohhh, you can't? Geez, that's terrible, then I guess you'll just have to work within our time windows.
[opens shirt panels covering his nipples and starts rubbing them directly and pinching them for a prolonged period]

World War Zimmerman [17.03]Edit

Goth Kids 3: Dawn of the Posers [17.04]Edit

Goth Singer: Goin' down to South Park, gonna have myself a time!
Michael, Henrietta Biggle: Death and sadness everywhere, loneliness and degradation!
Goth Singer: Goin' down to South Park, gonna take my woes with me!
Pete: Nightmares every night, posers spouting "Let's go shopping!"
Goth Singer: Heading out to South Park, cause I cannot unwind!
Firkle: I like spiders, loss and rain, I'm only happy when I'm in pain!
Goth Singer: So I'm goin' down to South Park... to die!

Mrs. Biggle: Henrietta, sweetie.
Henrietta: Shut up, Mom! Go away!
Mrs. Biggle: Ohh, but remember, Daddy wanted to talk to you in the living room, my dark little princess.
Henrietta: Stop calling me a princess. I'm not a beauty queen in a Disney movie!
Mrs. Biggle: We'll be waiting in the living room.
Henrietta: God, she just never stops!

Mr. Biggle: Henrietta, as you know, your mother and I have been concerned about your behavior for some time.
Henrietta: Are we really doing this again?
Mr. Biggle: We've had a hard time coping with the dark things you're into, but we've finally had some counseling, and apparently we're not the only parents who have a child that is... emo.
Henrietta: What??
Mrs. Biggle: But Daddy and I love our little muffin, even if she's emo or not.
Henrietta: I'm not a fucking emo! Don't you even know the fucking diff!
Mr. Biggle: Do you know how your foul language breaks your mother's heart?
Mrs. Biggle: Like calling Mommy Demon Jizz.
Mr. Biggle: So listen, sweetie, we've found a camp.
[Mrs. Biggles brings out a brochure]
Henrietta: No.
Mr. Biggle: A camp which is for troubled kids like you, and you get to work outside and learn about responsibility.
Henrietta: I'm not going to any fucking camp!
Mr. Biggle: It's for two weeks, and when you come back we can talk about earning back some of your privileges.
Henrietta: I won't come back because I'll be fucking dead. I'll walk out of that camp and I'll walk the streets until I probably get picked up and gang-banged by criminals until I'mm bleeding out my fucking eyes!!
Mrs. Biggle: They have a horseshoe pit where you can challenge the other kids to horseshoes.

Worker: Alright now, you say that you witness your friend being abused by her parents.
Michael: Yes. They called her an emo.
Worker: What's wrong with that?
Michael: Emos suck! Their vile, self-pitying, depressed assholes!
Worker: So, why do you think they called her that?
Michael: Because she's Goth, and some ignorant people don't know the difference!
Worker: What is the difference?
Pete: Oh my God! They're totally different!
Worker: Okay, different how?
Pete: They're, you know, one is good and an' emos are horrible! [flips hair] You're, you know... They're posers!
Firkle: Emos suck my Goth balls.
Michael: Alright alright, think of it this way: a goth believes that deep down the world is totally fucked up. But an emo thinks that deep down, they are totally fucked up.
Worker: That's not much of a difference.
Pete: That's a huge fucking difference!
Michael: Okay okay, look, emos are more prone to suicide.
Pete: This fuckin' bitch, man.
Michael: But goths are more prone to be depressed that so many people commit suicide.
Pete: Goth's darkness is nihilistic whereas Emos is cynical.
Michael: Wait, I thought we were cynical. Whatever, it doesn't matter.
Pete: No, see, you're nihilistic.
Michael: Oh yeah, you're right.

[Michael runs all the way home in a hurry and locks the front door and starts to run up the stairs]
Mother: Michael? Michael!
Michael: [leans over the rail] Can't now, Mom! I've got an emergency!
Father: In the dining room now, Michael, let's go. [Michael enters the dining room with his parents holding hands] Have a seat, son. [Michael takes an opposite seat] Your mom and I have decided you're going to go away for a little while.
Michael: [shocked] What?
Father: We've been put in touch with this [holds up the same brochure Mrs. Biggle held up two weeks earlier] camp for troubled kids like you and--
Michael: What the hell are you talking about?!
Mother: This place gonna fix you, make you normal child!
[Michael's dad takes him outside and towards the truck]
Michael: No! You gotta listen to me! You don't know what you're doing! You fucking conformists! [His dad puts him in the truck and starts to back up, he looks across the street and sees Henrietta with her emo friends, two of whom are new and gasps] They're evil!!!!

Taming Strange [17.05]Edit

Canadian Healthcare Administrator: It was a mistake.
His wife: What?
Canadian Healthcare Administrator: Trying to reform Canada's healthcare system and being too stubborn to admit it wasn't working. Even when my wife said the system was too complicated, I wouldn't listen.
His wife: Oh, Terry, I was just trying to get your attention. I'm sorry I queefed in your face.
Canadian Healthcare Administrator: I deserved it. Anyone who thinks streamlining healthcare into an integrated computer system would go smoothly deserves a giant queef in their face.

Ginger Cow [17.06]Edit

Cartman: I'm pretty sure that this cow can make ginger cheese. Which is like a Swiss cheese but instead of holes it has freckles.

Black Friday [17.07]Edit

Randy: Winter's coming, Sharon, and I'm a busy little bee. Buzz! Buzz!

Butters: Wizard Cartman, I started watching Game of Thrones.
Cartman: Ah, yes, paladin Butters. Are you enjoying it?
Butters: Well, it's pretty good, I guess, but have you ever noticed that almost ever time they show a guy's weiner, that guy's character is gay?
Cartman: What do you mean?
Butters: Well, it's just that they have a lot of girls' boobs and vaginas and stuff, but most times they show a guy's weiner it's because that guy is in love scenes with another guy. You think it's because gay weiners are less threatening to women viewers?
Cartman: I believe you might be missing the greater point of the show, paladin Butters.
Butters: Yeah, I know - winter is going and there's dragons and zombies on the way; I'm pretty excited for that. Just could do with a little less gay weiner is all.

A Song of Ass and Fire [17.08]Edit

[Butters and Scott visit George R. R. Martin ]
George R. R. Martin: It's the Red Wedding, isn't it? You hate how I killed everyone off?
Butters: Uh, no sir, we just really need to know about the dragons, but they never seem to show up.
George R. R. Martin: Oh, they're coming; the dragons are on their way.
Butters: When?
George R. R. Martin: You really wanna know?
Butters: Please, it's urgent!
George R. R. Martin: All right. King Joffrey is still at King's Landing, but there is a young blacksmith who wakes up one morning with a plan. And his weiner gently hangs down between his legs, soft and flaccid, his weiner glistens in the golden sunlight...
Butters: No! No! Can we just skip the weiner stuff and just get to the dragons?
Scott: [winces painfully] Aw shit, I think I'm... I think I'm gonna faint.
Butters: Uh, what's the matter, Scott?
Scott: I told you, I have to eat every two hours.
Butters: He's diabetic.
George R. R. Martin: Oh Jeez, uh, why don't you kids come out from the cold? I'll order some pizzas.
Butters: Oh. Okay, thanks.
George R. R. Martin: Come on in! I'll tell you everything that's gonna happen in "Game of Thrones".

George R. R. Martin: ...So then Samwell Tarly sees the army approaching, and his wiener is about this big...He knows that Stannis Baratheon's wiener is probably shriveled from the cold. Samwell has to rally his men, so what does he do? He takes out his wiener...
[Martin unzips his pants and demonstrates his story]
George R. R. Martin: ...and he dangles it around for all his men to see.
[Martin shakes his hips and pretends his wiener is a bell]
Scott: [turns away, disgusted] AAAH!
Butters: OOAH! Uh, sir, you said pizzas were coming!
George R. R. Martin: Yeah yeah, they're on their way. They're still coming. So Samwell's wiener goes...
[Martin shakes his hips around, as if his wiener were a bell and makes sounds for it]
Butters: But you said they were on their way like three hours ago!
Scott: If I don't get pizza soon, I'm goin' to pass out.
George R. R. Martin: Don't worry. They're coming. Pizzas are on their way. They're gonna be amazing. Now, Jon Snow finally faces Jaime Lannister, and this guy's wiener is, you know, huge, right? So it's not goin' to be easy.
Scott: Ehhh...

Titties and Dragons [17.09]Edit

Cartman: Did you see Prometheus? I don't even think the writers knew what that was about.

Cartman: You guys wanna play outside or something?
Kyle: Cartman? Your side won, dude. Why are you so sad?
Cartman: I just... I can't get that image of Bill Gates bashing that guy's head apart out of my eyes.
Stan: Yeah, I know what you mean. Well, look guys: Xbox won the console wars. What are we gonna do? Not play video games?
Cartman: The last few weeks we've been too busy to play video games and look at what we did. There's been drama, action, romance. I mean, honestly you guys - do we need video games to play?
Butters: Yeah.
Jimmy: That's right.
Butters: That's right.
Jimmy: Yeah, you kind of make a point.
Cartman: Maybe we started to rely on Microsoft and Sony so much that we forgot that all we need to play are the simplest things! Like... like this! [picks up a broken wooden stick] We can play with this! Screw video games, dude; who fucking needs them?
[everybody shouts, "YEAH!"]
Cartman: Fuck 'em! [holds the stick up to the sun]
Commercial announcer: The South Park video game. Coming to stores soon!
[an image of the years-in-development real life game, South Park: The Stick of Truth, appears on screen]
Butters: [appearing in the lower left-hand corner of the screen] Yeah, and if you believe that, I got a big floppy wiener to dangle in your face.

The Hobbit [17.10]Edit

Wendy: [referring to Butters turning down a fat girl whom asked him out] What the fuck is your problem?
Butters: Oh, hey, Wendy!
Wendy: Are you some kind of asshole? Is that it?
Butters: Am I just an asshole?
Wendy: Yeah!
Butters: [looking himself over] Well, no - I have arms and legs and everything.

[Butters, Kenny, Tweek, Craig and Clyde make fun of Lisa. Cartman does not join their laughter]
Cartman: You guys, come on. That's not kewl. You shouldn't rip on her because she's fat. You should rip on her 'cause she's ugly. Okay? She looks like someone hit her in the face with a hot shovel, and that's why she sucks, alright?