BASEketball

BASEketball is a 1998 David Zucker comedy film starring South Park creators Trey Parker and Matt Stone, along with Dian Bachar, Robert Vaughn, Yasmine Bleeth, and Jenny McCarthy. The movie follows the history of the sport (created by Zucker years earlier) of the same name, from its invention by the lead characters as a game they could win against more athletic types, to its development as a nationwide league sport and a target of corporate sponsorship. This is the only one of Parker and Stone's works that wasn't written, directed, and/or produced by them.

Joe "Coop" Cooper

• Steve Perry. Steve Perry! "Well I shoulda been go-one, after all!!!!!!!!!!!

• [under his breath] Subtle. [normally] Hey, Grumsky, you losin' weight? [Grumsky stay focused] [imitating Eric Cartman] Hey! You guys! Seriously, I'm fuckin' fat! Seriously, guys, I'm fuckin' fat as fuck! How'd I get so fuckin' fat?!

• (with poor Australian accent) How to speak San Franciscan.

[He pulls Squeak's shorts down, revealing his bottom]

Vajoina!

[Referee calls Coop out for the psyche out]

Oh, come on, that wasn't a gay joke, it was an Australian joke! Aww! Awwww!

Doug Remer

• Listen to me, you little bitch! You either go out there and make that shot or I'm gonna shove your head so far up your fuckin' ass, you'll have to wear yourself as a hat!

Kenny "Squeak" Scolari

• [Coop and Reemer are fighting] Hey! Would you just stop it? Would you just hold on a minute? Look at you guys... fighting on the Malaka-Laka board! You should be ashamed of yourselves! Back in the driveway, we were nothing! Now we've risen to the highest level, but you're throwin' it all away! If you've forgotten what BASEketball means to America, you have only to look at this board - the Malaka-Laka Balance Board of Trust. Don't you see what we have here? A game where guys with bad backs and bad knees can... get together and compete on the same field as guys that are all goosed up on steroids. But more than anything, isn't this game about gettin' together with your friends and just havin' a good time? I remember. I remember a long time ago, I didn't have anybody. You guys took me in. I guess that's why it kills me to see you like this. If we can't be friends... then the heart and soul are out of this game. Certainly out of me. I know I'll never get that back again. We have sullied the waters of the Lagoon of Peace! I'm begging you, for the love of our Caribbean brothers, dudes, stop this madness!

• "I swear, you guys rip on me thirteen or fourteen more times and I'm outta here!"

Others

Joe Cooper: Go back to your fancy cars, and your big bank accounts, and your celebrity friends, and your beautiful women, and Victoria Silvestedt, Playmate of the Year... FUCK!

[in song] Your life is spinning out of control, seems the whole world is out to get you, everything's wrong nothing seems right, there's a sinking feeling inside, and your best friend has turned his back, but you can't let it bring you down no you've got to fight it, CAUSE you try but you can't let gooooo. It's when you're down that you gotta get up-a, don't let 'em walk all over your face-eh, stand up for yourself and make everything a-right again. Even if some guy's tryin-a blackmail you, and your girlfriend thinks you suck, it's up to you to let them know that it was all just part of some rich guy's evil plan. Look out ahead, there's a truck changing lanes, you got some yellow crumbs on your upper lip, and those warts on your dick aren't gonna go away unless you start using topical cream everyday .....

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Bob Costas: And joining us in the booth this evening, big fan of BASEketball, Tony Nocholino, who plays, as you know, Latino cut-up "Scooter" on the new hit comedy series "What's the Difference?" airing between "Recycled Junk" starring Lisa Campbell and "Same Old Crap" featuring teen heartthrob Mark Swenson, all part of the great fall lineup on our network's "Who gives a rat's ass?" Thursdays.

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Narrator: Soon it was commonplace for entire teams to change cities in search of greater profits. The Minneapolis Lakers moved to Los Angeles where there are no lakes. The Oilers moved to Tennessee where there is no oil. The Jazz moved to Salt Lake City where they don't allow music. The Oakland Raiders moved to Los Angeles, and then back to Oakland. Nobody in L.A. seemed to notice.

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Bob Costas: You're excited? Feel these nipples!

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Dialogue

Joe Cooper: I'm not gonna do it, dude, end of story!

Doug Remer: Dude!

Joe Cooper: Dude!

Doug Remer: Dude!

Joe Cooper: Dude!

Doug Remer: DUDE!

[Coop looks shocked]

Doug Remer: [Calmly] Dude.

Joe Cooper: ...I guess you have a point.

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Dan Patrick: With the first nine months of the Baseketball postseason out of the way, the playoff picture is starting to emerge.

Kenny Mayne: So, with last night's victory over Boston, next week the Milwaukee Beers must beat Indianapolis in order to advance to Charlotte. That's in an effort to reduce their magic number to three.

Dan Patrick: Right, and then the Beers can advance to the National Eastern Division North to play Tampa.

Kenny Mayne: So, if the Beers beat Detroit and Denver beats Atlanta in the American Southwestern Division East Northern, then Milwaukee goes to the Denslow Cup, unless Baltimore can upset Buffalo and Charlotte ties Toronto, then Oakland would play LA and Pittsburgh in a blind choice round robin. And if no clear winner emerges from all of this, a two-man sack race will be held on consecutive Sundays until a champion can be crowned.

Dan Patrick: Right,

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Cast

• Trey Parker - Joe "Coop" Cooper
• Matt Stone - Doug Remer
• Dian Bachar - Kenny "Squeak" Scolari
• Yasmine Bleeth - Jenna Reed
• Jenny McCarthy - Yvette Denslow
• Ernest Borgnine - Ted Denslow
• Robert Vaughn - Baxter Cain