Nostalgia Critic:[reluctantly] Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic, I remember it so you don't have to. And welcome back to "Sequel Month: The Sequel". Or in this case [grins broadly] "Squeakquel Month"? [beat] No! That is not the case! I will not give in to your rodent-based puns, you unfunny bucket of toilet leavings!
Nostalgia Critic: After the, and I can't believe I'm saying this, smash-hit Smurfs movie, it only figured to do a sequel with the exact same people. The downside is, it's lame, contrived, not funny, bad for kids, bad for adults, bad for anyone– Actually, let's make this easier. The upside is, it made a lot of money. And, of course, that's what matters most, so they threw more money at the sequel to make more money back. The result, once again, is the not-pleasant bouquet of nausea under the guise of family entertainment.
Nostalgia Critic: Seeing how the last time I did a crossover was with the Black Nerd, it only figures to extend him the same offer again. Hey, Black Nerd, how are you–
Black Nerd:[talking on a phone, not speaking in his nerd voice] What up, homie? Hey, put me down for 200 on the Patriots losing, a'ight? Ain't no way their ass can cheat to victory this year. You know what I'm saying? [Critic is puzzled] When are you gonna come back here with my bong, all right? I gots to get high. Man, [nerd voice] Black Nerd has to review a new Power Rangers movie trailer, [normal voice] and I can't do that unless I get blazed as fuuuck. Hey, man, I'm gonna have to call you back. There's a White Walker present. [hangs up] Well, well, well, if it isn't the Nostalgia Bitch.
Nostalgia Critic: ...Umm... Hi, Black Nerd, I was... reviewing Smurfs 2 and was wondering if–
Black Nerd: Oh, I get it. You thought I was gonna leave beautiful sunny California to fly to yo' neck of the woods, in the dead o' winter, to talk about a damn Neil Patrick Harris Smurfs sequel wit' yo' punk ass?
Nostalgia Critic: Well, I don't know about my ass's punk qualities, but–
Black Nerd: I'm a grown-ass man, what about you? You sit around all day watching '80s and '90s kids TV shows and movies?
Nostalgia Critic:[mumbling] I don't know...
Black Nerd: That's real sad. I feel bad for you, Critic. I'm-a pray for you. Maybe the next time you do a charity shout-out, you should be shouting out to getting you a life. I ain't got time for this. I got an underground gambling ring to take care of. Not to mention all those hot Nintendo Switches that I'm-a sell on eBay... that fell off a truck... You ain't hear that from me. Alright, man. Peace, loser! [he gets up to leave]
Nostalgia Critic: Yeah, that's right, you better run!
Black Nerd:[abruptly returning]What'chu say, punk?!
Nostalgia Critic:[recoiling] Nothing, nothing!
Black Nerd: Mm-hmm. Watch yourself. Oh, and by the way, [reverts to nerd mode] call me when you do a Smurfs: The Lost Village review. I'll be right there for you, Critic. I love you like a play cousin, I'm outie 5000! Chain Chomp Yomp! [normal again] Ya punk-ass motherfucker! [leaves for good]
Nostalgia Critic: Well, I'll show him who's got a life! I'm reviewing Smurfs 2!
[He nods defiantly, then frowns as the realization sets in]
Narrator: Nostalgia Critic: critic of nostalgia. Searching for a movie to tap into the inner frustrations every movie nerd has. Then, a viewing of a fascinatingly misdirected movie alters his chemistry. And now, whenever he hears any mention of the movie Hulk, a startling metamorphosis occurs.
[Tamara is shown holding the Blu-ray of the movie and discussing it with Malcolm. When NC comes up, he dramatically knocks it out of Tamara's hand, and it falls on the floor]
Nostalgia Critic:[Calmly] Malcolm. Tamara. Do not show me that movie. You wouldn't like me when you show me that movie. [He explodes, but nothing happens to him] I exploded.
[Tamara and Malcolm just shrug. Cut to NC crying to the sky in the rain in over-the-top manner, with the title "The Incredible Sulk" appearing below. We then are shown NC watching silently at the Blu-ray case of Hulk, with the Blu-ray itself having been smashed into pieces]
Narrator: The Critic is wanted for property damage he didn't commit. Well, okay, he did, but it was just of a movie. And that movie sucked. The Critic's patience is believed to be dead. And he must let the world believe that it is dead, until he can find a way to control the whiny bitch fits that dwells within him.
Nostalgia Critic:THE HULK! People calmly discussing things, staring at each other in silence, but... look! Green walls! It's kind of like the Hulk is there! Symbolically! Oh, you just don't get it, you just don't understand the layers of subtlety and conversation that need to be had with... THE HULK!
Nostalgia Critic:THE HULK! Talking about dreams! Reoccurring dreams! With your boyfriend being your father and trying to strangle you- [Stutters] What?!?
[Bruce appears in place of Betty's father and we are shown the point of two-year-old Betty's view, as Bruce brings his hand to strangle her. Fade to Bruce and Betty (from Bruce's flashback) lying on the bed together]
Bruce: That's terrible! You know I'd never hurt you.
[The Critic just stares in confusion and shock at what just happened]
Nostalgia Critic: Okay, um... Anyone that's new to the dating scene; I don't know what Ang Lee is trying to tell you, but if your date says they have a reoccurring dream about you as their father trying to kill them as a small child, out. Just.. get out. Don't even make up an excuse! just flee!
Nostalgia Critic:THE HULK! The teaser that literally looked like this...
[ In the original teaser, we are shown Bruce visibly shaking, see his eye turning green, and then cut to the outside of the house Bruce is in, its wall collapsing in pieces. The title "Hulk" appears in a green background. With a bright flash of lightning, even!]
[Betty and Ross are shown just looking at each other in total silence for about 6 seconds]
Nostalgia Critic:[Gets closer to the camera]THE HULK!
Bruce: You're making me angry.
Nostalgia Critic: How dare you make me feel an emotion in this film!
[Bruce transforms into the Hulk]
Nostalgia Critic:[As Talbot] Mr. Giant, I swear I ate all my vegetables... [Gets thrown out the window]AAAAHHH!
[David's mutated dogs appear]
Nostalgia Critic:[In a deep booming voice]ZUUL, MOTHERFU-[Stops short at the sight of the mutant dogs]Oh, my God, are you serious!? Th-that's not the final thing, is it!? I- Oh, sorry.[Clears throat]ZUUL, MOTHER FU-[Breaks down laughing]What is this!? Guys! Guys, come on! No!
Nostalgia Critic:[As helicopter pilot] Come back, or we won't give you a pointless romance with Black Widow! Okay, fine! You get a subtext romance with Thor!