The Nostalgia Critic/Season 8

web series season

Quotes from the 8th season of The Nostalgia Critic, which aired in 2015.

The Matrix Edit

Voice 1: It's not possible.
Voice 2: It is.
Voice 1: I don't believe you.
Voice 2: Believe it.
Voice 1: I can't believe after all these years I'm finally discovering the truth!
Voice 2: Well, it is true.
Voice 1: [He is Chester A Bum] You don't like The Matrix!

Nostalgia Critic: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, his name is Tom? I mean, I know he's given himself the name Neo, and that's what everybody calls him, but just kinda sucks out the epicness once you know that, doesn't it? The fate of all mankind is in the hands of a guy named Tom! Fucking Tom! "What would Tom do?" "All praise savior Tom!" [laughs] Really, Tom?

The Animatrix Edit

Nostalgia Critic: Seeing as The Matrix has stolen from most of Japan's anime, they thought they should steal back.

The Matrix Reloaded Edit

Nostalgia Critic: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic, I remember it so you don't -
Malcomus: You must enter the pathway of knowledge... so that the prophecy of the destiny of the truth of the purpose of the reason that we are here...
Nostalgia Critic: Er, what are you still doing here?
Malcomus: What?
Nostalgia Critic: Well, I thought I had finished my story arc with you guys, so what are you doing here?

Morpheus: Tonight, let us make them remember: this is Zion, and we are not afraid!
Nostalgia Critic: Tonight, we dine in our Independence Day!

Nostalgia Critic: So they now have to find a powerful hacker called the Keymaker, because... Side Quest. As they come across a French computer program who, like everyone else in the movie, loves the sound of his own fucking voice.
Morpheus: We are looking for the Keymaker.
The Merovingian: To look for him is to be looking for a means to do...
Neo: You know the answer to that question.
The Merovingian: But do you?
Nostalgia Critic: [getting annoyed] Oh Jesus, does everybody have a fucking speech shoved up their ass!
The Merovingian: It is of course a way of all things. You see there is only one constant causality.
[cut to a clip from "A League of Their Own"]
Ernie Capadino: Will you shut up!

Nostalgia Critic: Yep! We're so desperate, folks, that we're actually talking about the philosophical justifications of cake. Fucking cake! That or they're trying to fetishize cake, but to be fair the line between the two is pretty blurred in these films.
The Merovingian: Beneath our poised appearance, we are completely out of control. [dubbed with the Critics voice] Would you care to order?
Trinity, Morpheus, Neo: I'll have the cake!

Nostalgia Critic: The Keymaker talks about breaking into the secret headquarters to have Tom meet the Architect, the designer of the Matrix.
Niobe: How do you know all this?
The Keymaker: I know because I must know. It is my purpose.
Nostalgia Critic: Or maybe its just lazy writing.
Morpheus: We have not come here by chance. I do not believe in chance. It is our destiny. I believe this night holds for each and everyone of us the very meaning our lives...
Niobe: [dubbed with the Critics voice] Jesus, translation?
Morpheus: [dubbed with the Critics voice] I like talking.
Niobe: We know.
[cut to a clip from "The Muppet Movie"]
Kermit and Fozzie: Movin' right along, doog-a-doon doog-a-doon.

Matrix Revolutions Edit

Nostalgia Critic: After Tom leaves, Smith only ends up taking over more and more people and corners the Oracle in her kitchen.
Agent Smith: I suppose you've been expecting me. Right? [Oracle gives no response; Smith flings a plate of cookies at the wall]
Nostalgia Critic: [voiceover] I HATE CHOCOLATE CHIP!
Agent Smith: Maybe you knew I was going to do that, maybe you didn't.
Oracle: What did you do with Sati?
Agent Smith: Cookies need love like everything does. [other agents laugh]
Nostalgia Critic: Okay, this film might have been worth the price of admittance just to hear Hugo Weaving say that line.
Agent Smith: Cookies need love like everything does.
Nostalgia Critic: Actually, I think every Hugo Weaving movie needs that line.
[clip from V for Vendetta plays]
V: Beneath this mask, there is an idea, Mr. Creedy, and cookies need love like everything does.
[clip from Transformers plays]
Optimus Prime: Megatron!
Megatron: Prime! Cookies need love like everything does.
Optimus Prime: They deserve to choose for themselves!
[clip from Return of the King plays]
Elrond: The end has come.
Aragorn: It will not be our end, but his.
Elrond: Cookies need love like everything does.
[Aragorn gives a blank stare]
Nostalgia Critic: Coming out of him, it just sounds magical! But he ends up taking over the Oracle, which leads to one of the silliest and most famously goofy laughs in movie history. [Smith lets out an evil, over the top laugh] I am not entirely convinced that they didn't replace him with a Hugo Weaving-style Muppet!

Angry Video Game Nerd: The Movie Edit

Nostalgia Critic: Remember that bunch of kids in high school who said they wanted to make movies? Remember how they used to show you all their films they worked so hard on? Remember how no matter what, you were always so impressed with how they put all their passion and all their love into every single frame they shot? And despite all the dedication that they put into every single frame, didn't you just HATE those fucking films? The lame effects, the hokey acting, the stories that made no sense whatsoever? Well the world loves to reward the insane, and this is the fruit of their labor. Hey, you paid for it, so it should only make sense that you should pay for it! Let's not waste another second. Let's take a look at NERD...the movie.

Nostalgia Critic: [as Howard Scott Warshaw leaves a scene] There goes the best, and yet somehow worst video game designer of all time. He'll most likely get a job at EA Games.

Nostalgia Critic: But the alien calls all the video game cartridges to him to rebuild his ship. [Eee Tee cartridges begin to rise from the ground, and fly out of consoles in people's houses] This leads to easily, hands down, the best performance in the entire movie.
[clip shows a cameo of Doug Walker in his house, playing the game as it flies out of his console, causing him to scream like a girl and flee the scene]
Nostalgia Critic: Look at the fear in his eyes, look at the depth he's portraying, look at how many emotions this actor is able to get across in just a couple of seconds. He may have only had one moment of screen time, but he changed cinema with it.
[clip replays]
Nostalgia Critic: [sniffles] D'aah indeed...
Text Onscreen: Dedicated to this Obviously Well Endowed Wonder.

Mamma Mia! Edit

Nostalgia Critic: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic, I remember it so- [sudden cut to the camera crew]
Rob Walker: Oh Jesus, have you guys seen this?! [shows Malcom and Tamara the script to the episode]
Tamara Chambers: Oh, fuck that noise!
Malcom Ray: Yeah!
Rob: Let's get out of here!
Nostalgia Critic: Hey wait a minute! Wait-wait-wait-wait a minute, where the hell are you guys going?!
Rob: Mamma Mia?
Nostalgia Critic: ...Yeah?
Rob: You're really going to review, Mamma Mia?!
Nostalgia Critic: Yeah! So what?
Tamara: Nobody's going to watch a fucking review of Mamma Mia!
Malcom: Yeah, the reviews that get the most hits have superheroes, fart jokes, or Nicholas Cage.
Tamara: Yeah, sometimes all in the same video.
Nostalgia Critic: It isn't just reviewing Mamma Mia, I'm tackling a subject matter that a lot of people don't usually address!
Rob: Yeah? And what's that?
Nostalgia Critic: ...I'm talking about the art of the chick flick-
[Tamara, Rob, and Malcom all groan in agony and begin to leave]
Tamara: Are you fucking kidding me?!
Rob: Are you fucking crazy?!
Nostalgia Critic: Hey! Get back here! GET BACK HERE!
Rob: [leans back into the scene] You're a fucking moron!
Nostalgia Critic: I can buy and sell you like ABBA's dignity!
Malcom: [outside the room] He should have done another Matrix Month!
Tamara: Yeah, some people got so mad, they watched that three times.
Rob: Why do they do that?!
Tamara: I don't know...

Why is Nothing Original Anymore? Edit

[Opening Lines]
Nostalgia Critic: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic, I remember it so you don't have to. Hey, did you hear what's coming out this year? Jurassic Park...again. Fantastic Four...again. Poltergeist...again. Cinderella...again. Star Wars...again. And movie giant Iron Man, Hulk, Captain America, and Thor all in the same movie...a-motherfucking-goddamn-gain! Now...big shock, I'm kinda a lover of nostalgia, but now I think that it's pretty clear that we've gotten a little too comfortable with nothing original coming out anymore.

The Haunted Mansion Edit

Nostalgia Critic: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic, I remember it so you don't have to. Well, if you've ever been to the Magic Kingdom, chances are one of your favourite rides is the Haunted Mansion. Well how could it not be? With its endless creativity, Gothic atmosphere, and so many clever visuals that no one can see it entirely in one viewing, the Haunted Mansion has become one of the theme park's most praised attractions! So, when Disney had a surprise monster hit with their Pirates of the Caribbean movie, they figured maybe bring in the same amount of cinematic effort to one of the most famous rides of all time might be called for here as well. Best way to begin? Let's have Eddie Murphy star in it. RUINED! [He slams that word onscreen]

[Adverts: Movie trailer for live-action GARGOYLES remake]
Narrator: Coming this Spring... from the studio that put Eddie Murphy in The Haunted Mansion, put Keira Knightley as a pirate, and put Mila Kunis as the Wicked Witch of the West... comes another brand of mis-casting. Featuring Kayne West as Goliath.
Goliath: Yo, I hit stuff and look cool. Plus I'm apparently in a movie!
Narrator: GARGOYLES.

Xanatos: I am Xanak-tos.
Goliath/Elisa: [played by Malcolm & Tamara] IT'S XAN-A-TOS!
Xanatos: Whatever. I didn't watch the show.

[On why Megan wouldn't be scared by a ghost ball]
Nostalgia Critic: Dude, We're the iPhone generation, the only time we're actually shocked is when FaceBook changing its layout. [Looks at his phone and gasps] They already did? My life is over!

Nostalgia Critic: What kind of world is this where Terrence Stamp is taken to Hell but Eddie Murphy is left untouched?

Nostalgia Critic: So, they enter the Haunted Mansion, which, while it looks pretty cool, doesn't really have much to offer. The effects are great, but it isn't that different from every other spooky haunted house in movies. Look, there goes Casper, Morticia, Count Olaf, and Owen Wilson reminding us to be scared!
Owen Wilson: [from The Haunting] Really creepy!

Daredevil Edit

Nostalgia Critic: We get a flashback to the good old days of the bad old days when we see Affleck, playing Matt Murdock, growing up in a part of town called Hell's Kitchen. Yeah, you know it's coming, so here it is. [pulls up a clip of Gordon Ramsay from Hell's Kitchen from below]
Gordon Ramsay: This is fucking painful!
Nostalgia Critic: Back to the review. When he was a young boy, he was always beat up by the kid from- Ah shit, there's a Sopranos joke, too? Crap, where's that joke filed under? Um... [pulls up joke]
M. Bison: Of course!
Nostalgia Critic: [puts joke away] No... [pulls up another]
Charlie Wilcox: I WAS FROZEN-
Nostalgia Critic: No...umm...So...that's why you were interrogated on Law & Order? [Law and Order clip is shown]
Offscreen Crowd: BOO!
Nostalgia Critic: What do you want? They sprung it on me!

[Around the odd scenario of Murdoch inside a wooden coffin-like crate]
Nostalgia Critic: Bleh, I am Count Affleckula. I am here to suck... and that's it.

Nostalgia Critic: [on the Kingpin] God, he's so evil that even roses smell bad for him! What do you think he eats for dinner, mash with Cabbage Patch kids heads?

Target: That's all fine and good, but what about our current situation, buttercup?
Nostalgia Critic: Oh, don't worry. I know the one thing that can stop every early 2000's hero or villain.
The Angst: Really? What's that?
Nostalgia Critic: Look to your
[Target and Angst turn to the other side and see that the sun has come up]
Target: [annoyed] Aw hell, the bloody sun came up.
The Angst: [annoyed] We can't fight during the day, we only look cool at night!
Target: Well...I'll see you in the sequel that will never happen.
Augustine: [wounded on the ground] I'm getting a sequel?
Target: Nah, you're dead. It wouldn't make any sense!
[Target shoots her again]
Target: I'm Target! Hee-hee-hee-ha-hee-hee-ha-ho-ha-ha!

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Edit

[meanwhile, in the city of Chicago...]
Angry Video Game Nerd: Master, we got your message about the impending danger.
Nostalgia Critic: Yeah, something about a great evil coming?
Santa Christ: [on TV] I sense a terrible force that is consuming our youth and threatening to destroy the Ninja Turtles franchise!
Nostalgia Critic: [gasp!] That is not radical.
Santa Christ: I sense Megan Fox is April.
Both: [Gasp!]
Santa Christ: Dick-ugly CGI roadkill!
Both: [GASP!]
Santa Christ: And all of it being produced by MICHAEL BAY!
Both: GASP!
Nostalgia Critic: Isn't that the man so insecure about his masculinity he give Transformers testicles?!
Santa Christ: The same.
Angry Video Game Nerd: Master, what do we do to stop this bullshit?
Santa Christ: First, you must review the movie!
Nostalgia Critic: Well, duh.
Angry Video Game Nerd: That's kind of a given.
Santa Christ: Second, you must find the heart of the Ninja Turtles and remind the world of it!
Nostalgia Critic: The heart of the Ninja Turtles?
Angry Video Game Nerd: Where do we begin?
Santa Christ: Start with the basics. Try rescuing April O'Neil.
Nostalgia Critic: What-what... She's been kidnapped?
Santa Christ: Do you see her right in front of you?
Both: No.
Santa Christ: Then she's been kidnapped. Go, my sons! Find the heart of the franchise and rip this turtle-turd a new one!

[after a VHS tape is smashed by nunchucks]
Angry Video Game Nerd: Huh. I hope that VHS tape was Ninja Turtles III.

[on rescuing April]
Nostalgia Critic: So what are we gonna go?
Angry Video Game Nerd: Well, I wired one of my calculators into this super molecular discombobulating device.
Nostalgia Critic: That seems amazingly implausible, but let's use it!
Brain Villain: Ha ha ha, I smell walking, talking geeks!
Nostalgia Critic: Oh come on, his lips didn't even move! [The Nerd fires his weapon at the brain villain, transforming him into Dulé Hill]
Dulé Hill: Hi, I'm West Wing and Psych star, Dulé Hill...bye. [walks away]
Nostalgia Critic: Holy smokes, how did you do that?!
Angry Video Game Nerd: I just rearranged his molecules using the bioenergy emminating from this retro animator babble science babble science babble.
Nostalgia Critic: My God, this is amazing, we can change the world with this!
Angry Video Game Nerd: Actually, let's never use it, comment on it, or ever reference it again.
Nostalgia Critic: That works too, I'm fine with that.

Nostalgia Critic: But the funny thing about tha- Hang on one second. [to the Nerd] Jump already!
Angry Video Game Nerd: [in a setting of the NES Ninja Turtles Game] I can't, there's too many people on the screen, it's slowing everything down!
Nostalgia Critic: Who designed these sewers anyway?
Angry Video Game Nerd: That's your biggest question? There's a guy on fucking fire over there! Why do they hire these people?!
Nostalgia Critic: Just fucking jump!
Angry Video Game Nerd: [jumps slowly, but hits an onscreen enemy, and falls into the water] Argh, I'm in the water!
Nostalgia Critic: Well swim out!
Angry Video Game Nerd: I can't, it's dragging me away.
Nostalgia Critic: Well what do you mean you can't?! We gotta swim through a shit load of this stuff to defuse the bombs!
Angry Video Game Nerd: I'm swimming through shit right now!

Master Splinter: Your father had discovered the truth behind the man he was working for. He set fire to the lab. His last breath was taken, trying to destroy Shredder's plan.
Angry Video Game Nerd: So he accidentally set himself on fire? What kind of scientist is this? He creates mutant turtles, but can't light a match without burning alive? Maybe he's the guy in Ninja Turtles, the NES game. [clip replays of the flaming guy from the video game]

Eric Sacks: I'm gonna save everyone with the antidote that is made from the mutagen that is oozing through your blood. And I'm gonna be rich.
Nostalgia Critic: Yup, that's the whole reason for this, folks. So an already rich man can be a stupid rich man. You know, putting stupid in front of your motivation surprisingly doesn't make it any less stupid.
Angry Video Game Nerd: Maybe if we emphsize even more how stupid rich he'll be.
Nostalgia Critic: Oh you mean like, making a Smurfs 3 stupid rich?
Angry Video Game Nerd: Or he'll be LJN stupid rich.
Nostalgia Critic: Or he'll be is the dress black or blue stupid rich.
Angry Video Game Nerd: Or he'll be Michael Bay stupid rich.
Nostalgia Critic: Too close to home.
Angry Video Game Nerd: Okay.

Angry Video Game Nerd: [surrounded by Foot Gang members] But to be fair, makes about as much sense as this Shredder.
Nostalgia Critic: Alright so...what's the grand plan again?
Shredder: Well, we steal things!
Nostalgia Critic: [beckoning him to continue] Yeah...?
Shredder: That's as far as I got.
Angry Video Game Nerd: Look, you got a cool arcade, but I'm not gonna put my life on the line for that.
Shredder: No, it's all good. We're going to take over the city...with ninjitsu!
Nostalgia Critic: Uhh, you do know they have guns out there right?
Shredder: We have ninjitsu!
Nostalgia Critic: But they have guns!
Angry Video Game Nerd: Seriously, you have nunchucks, swords, axes, don't you think a few firearms would step things up a bit?
Shredder: You don't understand! We are hunting turtles. I INTERROGATED A RAT!
Nostalgia Critic: [brief pause] You've been smoking.
Angry Video Game Nerd: Why are we still listening to this?
Nostalgia Critic: And you're the drunk uncle who beats up the rodent section at Petsmart!

Angry Video Game Nerd: Look at all the ideas that have lasted over the years, like Batman and Superman. There's so many different versions, because the idea has struck a chord with people.
Nostalgia Critic: You think Ninja Turtles will do the same?
Angry Video Game Nerd: It already is.
Nostalgia Critic: Actually, you're right. There's so many variations of it. It's like Alice in Wonderland, or Christmas Carol, everybody has their own interpretation of it.
Angry Video Game Nerd: Maybe that's the best way to look at this movie. It's stupid, and kinda manipulative, but it's not the final word of the franchise, it's just another version. There'll be tons of different varieties to come in the future, all of them with silly over the top moments, but that's part of what we loved about them in the first place. Just say the title: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. It's a goofy idea, and always will be.
Nostalgia Critic: Some versions get more wrong than others, but that's part of the fun too. Comparing them. April can be a grown woman, or a fifteen year old girl or a...fifteen year old girl, but they're always adding something new while trying to stay true to what was so crazy about the original. It's not the untouched perfection that makes it last, it's the constant changing interpretation of other artists. So what do you think Nerd? Do you think the Michael Bay version is still the worst one?
Angry Video Game Nerd: Probably not, but even if it was, it's all part of the experience of growing.
Nostalgia Critic: Yeah. Ninja Turtles is going through a lot of changes. Some good, some bad...
Angry Video Game Nerd: And that's what makes it last forever. [screen fades to black]
Nostalgia Critic: [cut back to scene] But just to be clear, this movie is bad.
Angry Video Game Nerd: Oh yeah yeah...
Nostalgia Critic: Yeah.
Angry Video Game Nerd: Oh it fucking sucks hard.
Nostalgia Critic: Yeah, yeah.
Angry Video Game Nerd: Like, like, like I mean really hard, like it just...
Nostalgia Critic: Yeah.
Angry Video Game Nerd: It j-...[inhales deep] It just SUCKS SO FUCKING HARD!
Nostalgia Critic: O-okay-

Demolition Man Edit

Nostalgia Critic: [Opening lines] Action films have come a long way, haven't they? [Stills for The Avengers & The Dark Knight are shown] I mean, on top if their continuing story-lines, great visuals and interesting ideas, we've broken quite a few stereotypes, as well. [Stills for The Hunger Games and Lucy are shown] Today women can be tough and developed, leading to more interesting characters [Shows then Wolverine from X-Men: The Last Stand and Andrew Garfield from The Amazing Spider-Man 2], and men can be emotional and deep, also leading to more interesting characters.
Nostalgia Critic: This is the direct opposite to the '80s and '90s, where they mainly just focused on one thing: [In a butch-ish tone] BEING A MEH-YAN! [The Critic eats a heart, a direct reference to Game of Thrones, as the following images described quickly pass by.] RED MEAT, PUNCHING, BOOBS FROM MY DICK ON EXPLOSION WITH SAM ELLIOT'S MUSTACHE, MEH-YAN! We never talked about ideas or expressing our ideas, we were MEH-YAN-de-seses, and you know whom the other MEH-YAN-de-seses were?!
Nostalgia Critic: [The following actor photos are shown.] Schwarzenegger, MEH-YAN! Ford, MEH-YAN! Weaver... [Pauses for a moment, given her gender and yet her bad-assery in Aliens] Yeah, okay, MEH-YAN! Van Damme, VAN-MEH-YAN! SEAGAL- No, wait, he was never really cool, but Willis, MUH-MUH-MUH-MEH-YAN! We were so blood hungry for thinking or feeling anything that our hero for a while was an emotionless robot whom did nothing but kill people. Michael Bay wishes he could be as fucked up as we were! But every once in a while, a smart film with sneaky, under-the-radar disguised as a Dick Flick. So, your friends will be like...
Devil Boner: DEVIL BONER!
Nostalgia Critic: [Excited] Hey!
Devil Boner: You wanna see a film about a man's emotional struggle to hold on to his humanity?!
Nostalgia Critic: What?
Devil Boner: ROBOCOP!
Nostalgia Critic: OH, YEAH, I love RoboCop!
Devil Boner: You want to see of a person's identity as based on his environment and his inner soul?
Nostalgia Critic: Huh?
Devil Boner: TOTAL RECALL!
Nostalgia Critic: Oh, yeah, three boobs, I love that shit!
Devil Boner: You wanna see Stallone...
Nostalgia Critic: MEH-YAN!
Devil Boner: Snipes...
Nostalgia Critic: MEH-YAN!
Devil Boner: Guns!
Nostalgia Critic: MEH-YAN!
Devil Boner: Battle in a politically correct Orwellian universe where they sing Oscarmeyer Wiener?
Nostalgia Critic: Absolutely none of that comes together...
Devil Boner: DEMOLITION MAN! [Title Card with explosion]

Nostalgia Critic: [On the beginning] Yup, I remembered when 1996 was like that. California was on fire, crime was everywhere, celebrities were fighting each other while dressed like jack-asses- Actually, what I'm talking about, this WAS L.A. in 1996!

Lenina Huxley: [After Spartan's released from cryo-imprisonment] The year's 2032.
John Spartan: My wife... What happened to my wife...
Lenina Huxley: Her life was extinguished in the big one of 2010.
Nostalgia Critic: [Somber] Oh, yes. We all remember the big disaster of that year... [The poster for The Last Airbender is shown, as he stares at it nearly crying]
Chief George Earle: We didn't thaw you out for a family reunion. Consider it fortunate the Lieutenant even bothered to do a probe on your life.
Nostalgia Critic: Uhh, I think that's the wrong Stallone movie... [The poster for the infamous Italian Stallion is shown]

Nostalgia Critic: My God! A future where everyone's sensitive, can't take a joke and is obsessed with the past? It's a future run by Tumblr!

The Legend of Zorro Edit

[Opening music, a parody of the Disney TV show]
Out of the night, when summer films were shite,
Came the movie known as Zorro.
It was Bold and Risque, Zeta Jones FUCKIN' A!
Complete, straight 'A's for Zorro.
Zorro, Zorro,
Winning box office with ease!
Zorro, Zorro,
His wife, a total cock-tease!
Six years late, on a cruel twist of fate,
Came a less impressive Zorro.
He was drunk and depraved, made us crave The Gay Blade!
'Twas a sad day for poor Zorro.
Zorro, Zorro,
With slapstick that just sucks shit!
Zorro, Zorro,
A kid, God-dammit, a kid!
Zorro, Zorro,
Stunts like fucking cartoon!
Zorro, Zorro,
A lame-ass sucking buffoon!
Zorry! (11x)

[After the opening line] Director Martin Campbell has been getting bit of a reputation as a savior of franchises. [Posters for Goldeneye and Casino Royale are shown] Not only did he revive the James Bond movies from total destruction twice, but he also brought the classic Zorro back from the grave in The Mask of Zorro. In a time when everything was CG explosions and disaster films, this gave us actual stunts, developed characters, comedy, drama, old-comers, newcomers, it was a reminder of how summer movies were supposed to be done. And, of course, it was a big hit. So big that everyone involved went on to do other things. The spotlight was suddenly on these people, and they didn't want this to be the only thing they were associated with. [Posts for Original Sin, America's Sweethearts, Spy Kids 3-D and Jan de Bont's The Haunting remake] But, then, after a few shitty movies, they said "Yes, yes, we do want to be associated with this! Remember when we were good here, remember when you loved us here? Well, we're gonna help you relive those moments all over again with a sequel... a mere seven years later!" Way to ride that hot streak, guys! [Title Card] But, hey, even if something came out six years too late, it doesn't mean it necessarily makes it a bad product. No, the fact that it's a bad product is what makes it a bad product. While the first film had a bit of an edge to it with family members being killed off and disembodied heads in jars, this one plays like a fucking Saturday morning cartoon. No drama, no logic and stunts you'd see in a six-flag stunts show than in a high budget sequel. It was a pretty major letdown. But while it's one thing to talk about it, it's something else entirely to experience it. So, let's take a look at Hollywood's shitty-ass... [Draws the according symbol] Z-quel!

[Drunk after being kicked out of the party and off his equally drunk horse, Tornado, whom runs away.]
Alejandro: Nobody leaves my Tequila worm... dangling in the wind!
[A huge explosion bursts out of nowhere, explained later as Nitroglycerin. The Critic uses this to his advantage, however.]
Nostalgia Critic: [Deep voiced] This is God! Stop making this piece of shit and start making a real movie! I mean, a drunken horse?! WTF?!

Fantastic Four Edit

Nostalgia Critic: What is it about the Fantastic 4 that can't catch a break in terms of movies? I mean granted, the new one hasn't come out yet, but, it's gonna suck.
Tamara: It really is.
Malcolm: Yeah.
Nostalgia Critic: Pretty much. Alright, anything's possible, but if it's anything like this incarnation, you shouldn't be too hopeful. This film is poorly written, poorly executed, and worst of all, there's little to no superhero-ing in it. They mostly just sit around, be jackasses, and admire how cool their powers are.

Nostalgia Critic: But hey, don't let his label tip you off. Let the giant menacing statue, hiding in the shadows during meetings, and the fact that he stole your former girlfriend tip you off. Seriously, his name is Von Doom!

Thing: How you gonna cure us?
Reed: I'm gonna build a machine to recreate the storm.
Nostalgia Critic: Wha-bu-ju...wait a minute! You can just recreate the storm with a machine? Then why the fuck did you spend billions of dollars to go into space, then?! Was it like eggs vs. eggbeaters? The universe's version was just a little more tasty?

Sharkboy & Lavagirl Edit

Nostalgia Critic: After the teacher forces Linus to give back Max's dream journal, Max sees that it's ruined, leading to one of my favorite deliveries from Linus.
Max: He ruined my Dream Journal!
Linus: I did not! Mr. Electric, send him to the Principal's office and have him expelled!
Nostalgia Critic: Okay, this kid's training to be a Spider-Man villain. I mean, who talks this way?
[Scene replays]
Nostalgia Critic: [as Linus] Then, it'll be my turn to look after Mr. Fluffy the hamster for the school weekend! [Thunder and lightning go on in the background as he gives an evil laugh.]

Lavagirl: Hot lava... [her body starts melting into a pink ooze with her head still intact]
Nostalgia Critic: What the hell?
Max: Where's Lavagirl? [Lavagirl emerges over as a pink sliding pile of ooze with her head on it]
Nostalgia Critic: What the hell?!
Lavagirl: It's up to you now, Max! We believe in you, Max.
Nostalgia Critic: [Completely freaked out] WHAT THE HELL?! You know, General Patton used to say you'll gain strength when you look into a pile of goo that's a best friend's face. Well, I'm looking into a pile of goo that's a best friend's face, and I'm scared fucking shitless of it! WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS, MOVIE?!

Nostalgia Critic: But they get intercepted by Mr. Electric and they're taken to who's behind all the Darkness.
[It is Linus]
Minus: I am much... cooler. I... am Minus!
Nostalgia Critic: Wow! It's like Eddie Munster impregnated Emperor Zurg.
Sharkboy: Where is my father?
Minus: Hm. Check the bottom of the ocean.
Nostalgia Critic: I'm not gonna lie, I think this kid has been waiting all his life to play this part. I mean, just watch him in this performance.
Minus: And Lavagirl, once I figure out how to freeze this planet's core, all of your powers will disappear.
Nostalgia Critic: [chuckles] This kid is giving Joffrey a run for his money. He's fucking amazing! I'm just trying to imagine this obvious James Bond villain trying to cope in a 4th grade environment.
Minus: You thought you could escape fear by running away to dream land. But fear exists in the one place you can never escape! Your mind.
Nostalgia Critic: [as Minus] Oh, yes. You may think you have won at Guess Who but let me ask you this. Does your person have brown hair? Robert!

Max: Brain... fart!
[We hear gas sizzling as Minus' head completely swells up into a cartoonishly huge size that scares the Critic. After he watches Minus tip over on top of his own head from the weight of it, shakes with fear as he reaches over to his phone and dials up himself. The second Nostalgia Critic answers the phone]
Nostalgia Critic #2: Hello?
Nostalgia Critic: Hi, this is you twenty minutes from now. need to get out.
Nostalgia Critic #2: What are you talking about? It's just Sharkboy and Lavagirl.
Nostalgia Critic: No, you don't understand! You will not be able to SLEEP! For a year!
Nostalgia Critic 2: Come on, I survived Son of The Mask and Foodfight. Those had a ton of scary scenes in it.
Nostalgia Critic: What it lacks in quantity it makes up for in magnitude!
Nostalgia Critic #2: Look, if you're there, obviously I did it. I'm...not even sure how we're really doing this right now.
Nostalgia Critic: Okay, okay, but I want you to write "I'm sorry" on a piece of paper and stick it under the desk.
Nostalgia Critic #2: Why?
Nostalgia Critic: Because I deserve an apology from someone!
[After hanging up, he reaches under the desk and pulls out a sheet of paper saying "SORRY. -You". NC cries into it after enduring his horror.]

Nostalgia Critic: And that was Sharkboy and Lavagirl. A nice gift from a good father, but a lousy movie from a great director. I'll give it credit for some of its creativity, and again, it's kind of hard to be angry at someone who basically made this movie for his kids. But the cheapness of the story and the effects don't work to the film's advantage like his other works. In Sin City, the cheapness is stylized and gives a unique look. In this, the cheapness is too similar to so many other bad films that obviously didn't try. So this just looks like another one of those bad films. Aside from one or two entertaining performances, most of the acting is really wooden or just flat out awkward. A noble idea, but sadly, a failed delivery.

Jupiter Ascending Edit

[at Warner Brothers Studios, Andy Wachowski and Lana Wachowski sit down in front of Malcolm]
Malcolm: Ah, Wachowskis, so good to have you back at Warner Bros.
Andy: Well, what can I say? Lana and I have wanted to work with you guys again for a long time- [breaks character] Wait, are we doing this right?
Malcolm: What do you mean?
Doug: I mean, Lana used to be Larry, so shouldn't we get a man to play the part?
Tamara: No, she's a woman now, so it makes sense.
Doug: But she used to be a man!
Tamara: Yeah, but we still don't have any women who used to be men!
Malcolm: I think Jim used to be a woman, but turned into a man.
Doug: Really?
Malcolm: Oh I don't know, he said it when he was drunk!
Tamara: Will that really work, because he's a man now?
Doug: But he's a transsexual, does it make more sense to have a woman who's not a transsexual rather than the other way round?
Malcolm: Look, I'm pretty sure it won't matter if we don't address it.
Doug: Pff, it's the Internet, that never works.
Tamara: OK, we've all played different genders before this, so clearly we don't have a problem with it.
Doug: Yeah but it's like the first real-life transsexual we're representing, I just don't want to piss anyone off.
Malcolm: Oh you mean just because I'm black and she's a woman suddenly it means we represent all blacks and all women?
Doug: Yeah!
Tamara: Woah! Who says that?
Doug: Everybody! [they commence arguing and bickering]
Voiceover: We apologize for losing track of this sketch. We're going to assume you want to see a review of JUPITER ASCENDING. Please note we do not discriminate against the Wachowskis except that they made JUPITER ASCENDING. We now return to a hopefully more focused routine.

Malcolm: Okay. You clearly have a story that's 20 years behind, is made of mostly boring dialogue, rips off EVERY sci-fi movie known to man, and you want millions of dollars from us after several critical and box office failures?
Andy: Pretty much, yeah.
Malcolm: Then how the hell did you get money from us— [the Wachowskis snap their fingers. Malcolm transforms into Agent Schmuck]
Agent Schmuck: Does 170 million sound all right? [The Wachowskis nod in agreement] Good! [he smirks]

Nostalgia Critic: You know, Lana Wachowski, now you've made the transition into becoming a woman - and you've been very brave coming out about it, and trying to raise awareness, and standing up for transsexual rights, I mean good for you, and I really mean it - fantastic, WONDERFUL JOB, you should be very proud - but now that you are a woman... don't you think you could write them a bit better? This character has done NOTHING throughout the film, the most she has done has asked for a new dress.
Jupiter: Um, I'm feeling a little overdressed, do you have anything I could maybe, change into?
Nostalgia Critic: She's said nothing interesting, done nothing interesting, she's just a complete, utter useless tool! Hell, why don't you have her get kidnapped again - she seems to be really good at that [scenario repeats] ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?
Stinger: Don't make this harder than it has to be.
Nostalgia Critic: Jesus Christ lady, Princess Peach is telling you to toughen up! You're being made fun of at damsel parties. Bella is making fun of you! BELLLLA!

Jurassic World Edit

[after the Critic revealed that his reviews were taken off YouTube by Hollywood companies despite being part of fair use]
Mr. Puppy: Mr. Glasses! I have a question!
That Guy With The Glasses: Why, if it isn't my good friend Mr. Puppy the puppy! What's on your mind, Mr. Puppy?
Mr. Puppy: Hasn't Hollywood realized that by doing this they look incredibly desperate and unprofessional?! I mean, even your reviews of [onscreen poster for The Room] bad movies have led to higher sales due to your exposure!
That Guy With The Glasses: Mr. Puppy, Hollywood has more important things to worry about than that.
Mr. Puppy: Well, what's more important than freedom of speech being threatened by insecure goons?
That Guy With The Glasses: Complaining how their [onscreen poster for The Interview] freedom of speech is being threatened by a bunch of insecure goons!
Mr. Puppy: You're kidding, right?
That Guy With The Glasses: But, as we said before, the review must go on.
Mr. Puppy: I mean, do they know the meaning of irony?
That Guy With The Glasses: So, rather than do a review just to have it taken down anyway...
Mr. Puppy: They do remember SOPA Napster, right?
That Guy With The Glasses: ...we're going to reenact scenes from the movie to give you a better idea of what we're talking about.
Mr. Puppy: But Mr. Glasses! Showing the clips allow people to judge the film for themselves! Won't your reenactments leave an emotional and bitter mark on the material being reviewed?
That Guy With The Glasses: None. None whatsoever.
Mr. Puppy: Gee. I guess the only thing we can do now is wait for Hollywood to finally grow up.
That Guy With The Glasses: I'm not holding my breath. So enjoy our incredibly unbiased review of Jurassic World.
Mr. Puppy: You know, your accent sounds a lot like Cary Elwes with a dump truck shoved up his nose!
[TGWTG knocks Mr. Puppy out with a broomstick.]

Nostalgia Critic: Goddamn you, movie! Goddamn you! Not only did you create one of the coolest scenes in any Jurassic Park movie ever but you totally made up for that sequence in Jurassic Park 3! Yeah, remember when the T-Rex dies to the "who cares"-asaurus just so they can sell more toys? Well this takes idiots who thought this was a good idea, grabbed them by the ear and says: "come here! Come here! [punches] No! No! That is not how you do a T-Rex fight, movie! That is not how you do a T-Rex fight! This is how you do a T-Rex fight!"

Planet of the Apes (2001) Edit

[in the style of an Honest Trailer from Screen Junkies]
Epic Voice Guy: From the company who can milk a cash cow almost as well as Disney comes the internet sensation that has people all over the world staring at their computer screens saying..."Jeez, you can get paid for this?"
[title card shows]
Epic Voice Guy: Nostalgia Critic. Behold, a comedian with a screechy high-pitched voice, like Sam Kinison, only you wish this one died instead of him, getting recognition for doing what no other person online has ever done like, scream loudly...
Nostalgia Critic: GAWD!
Epic Voice Guy: Get facts wrong...
Douchy McNitpick: This is the top 11 Nostalgia Critic Fuck-Ups Part 3!
Epic Voice Guy: Force painful memes...
Nostalgia Critic: A BAT CREDIT CARD?! [scene changes] They fried the coke again! [scene changes] BIG LIPPED ALLIGATOR MOMENT!
Epic Voice Guy: And act like his opinion is the only one that matters...seriously, do you guys even read Youtube comments?! Watch this entitled nitpicking crybaby, give birth to a million other entitled nitpicking crybabies, each one more desperate to ride his coat-tails to internet fame and glory...kinda like what he did originially.
[scene plays from a fight between the Nerd and the Critic]
Epic Voice Guy: Question how this whiny little tool actually got so much attention, that Hollywood constantly tries to take him down for critiquing their worst piece of shit material. Yeah, taking down a review of Cat in the Hat isn't gonna change anyone's opinion on it guys. Endure a man with so little talent, that you'll be asking yourself how he keeps getting celebrities you didn't know you wanted to meet. Holy shit is that Rufio?! He looks amazing! Oh look, it's Pinky and the Brain swearing at each other! How in the hell did he get the-
[Youtube Copyright Notice appears]
Epic Voice Guy: Aw, COME ON! Sit back and enjoy an overly unqualified twit rip apart terrible movies and shows, even though he's made terrible movies and shows. Witness and clarify when an obviously bad film is obviously bad. Debate the ongoing question raised with every episode, "What really counts as Nostalgic?" I mean Jurassic World? Really? That's still in theaters, dude. And see a man do, what you know you should be getting paid to do, but he just got to it a little bit faster than you did. Na-nee-na-nee-na-nee...
Epic Voice Guy: Starring: [shows Malcom] The Black Guy, [Tamara] The Short Chick, [Rachael Tietz] Rachael Beeeewbs, [Santa Christ] Blashpemy, [Jim Jarosz] That Guy Who's Probably Funnier than Everybody, [M. Bison] Memes, [Angry Video Game Nerd] Way Too Many Favors, and...[begins to sing the theme to Doug much to Nostalgia Critic's annoyance who shoot's the screen]. White Priviledge: The Job. If you're gonna download this, you'd better make it quick, 'cause you never know when-
[Youtube Copyright Notice appears]
Epic Voice Guy: Oh, fuck you guys!

[First Lines]
Nostalgia Critic: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic, I remember it-
[A sudden explosion on the roof rocks the office, making him duck.]
Nostalgia Critic: Can I go one day without an explosion?!
[The Critic goes outside and notices it's actually a NASA shuttle that crashed on his roof.]
Nostalgia Critic: Okay, that's a thing...
[He goes back in but then sees his office door getting shut. He approaches it and hears keyboard sounds as he opens the door and storms in.]
Nostalgia Critic: Alright, hold it right there- [Notices the chair's empty] Chair! What?
[A baseball bat flies in his direction and then we see the Critic running by a flowery field with birds and sparkles, parodizing the 'The Cat in the Hat' movie. He then comes to his senses and spots an astronaut, played by Tamara :Chambers, pointing a gun at him.]
Astronaut: Alright, buddy, what parallel universe is this?
Nostalgia Critic: [Getting on his feet, annoyed] What?
Astronaut: I've been in hyper-sleep for the last fifteen years and I wake up to this upside down, topsy-turvy world!
Nostalgia Critic: What you're talking about?
Astronaut: I went online to research the media of the last fifteen years and I saw Robocop, Poltergeist, Willy Wonka and The Day the Earth Stood Still!
Nostalgia Critic: Yeah, those are reboots.
Astronaut: Wha- What?
Nostalgia Critic: Reboots?
Astronaut: Like a remake?
Nostalgia Critic: Kinda, except calling it a reboot gives it an excuse to suck.
Astronaut: Why would you wanna remake something that's already perfect? It's like remaking Planet of the Apes!
Nostalgia Critic: [Chuckling] Oh, that was all so good we re-made it twice!
Astronaut: Twice?!
Nostalgia Critic: Yeah. You can thank Tim Burton for that one.
Astronaut: Tim Burton, that ground-breaking visionary of original content?
Nostalgia Critic: You'll gonna want to sit down...

Nostalgia Critic: Remakes have been commonplace for years, but people forget when it was of an iconic film, that everybody loved, it was not only seen as bad taste to do a remake of it, but also not profitable. However, that was all changed when Tim Burton started coining the phrase 're-imagining'. Suddenly, the films weren't trying to do something good even better, but rather showing a different interpretation from a likeable artist. This is what made us all fall for something as obviously stupid as the re-imagining of Planet of the Apes. [Title Card] I know what you're thinking: Seriously? You guys couldn't tell, back then, that this was going to be really, really, really fucking bad?! [Points forward, mockingly] You were there, man! You were there for the incredible advertising that tricked the dumb out of us! Everywhere the stars and the director went, they all said the same thing: 'It's not a remake, it's a 're-imagining', 're-imagining'!' I just wanted to do an action film and Planet of the Apes seemed like a cool environment to do it in. And, judging by the trailer, it kind of looked like it'd work! Okay, this wasn't thought-provoking commentary, but it was a war, a war to take back the planet from those damn, dirty Apes! And, to tell the truth, they kind of looked awesome!
[Clips from the movie's trailer are shown]
Nostalgia Critic: This led to a big box office opening and an even bigger response of people saying: SON OF A BITCH, THEY GOT US AGAIN! WHEN WILL WE WAKE UP?! Well, no time soon, as even today, shitty reboots are as popular as ever!

Voiceover: In a time of uncertainty, Only one cabdidate has all the answers.
Tamara: I want a politician I know I can trust!
Malcom: Somebody who speaks the truth, and tells it like it is.
Doug's Father: Somebody I know who won't lie and manipulate me for their own gain!
Voiceover: Your honest presidential candidate is here, with General Thade.
Thade: Most people say, I look like a trustworthy guy. Someone I could get a beer with, a beer without the BLOOD OF STINKY HUMAN- Uh, I mean hops! Lots of hops. [screams like a monkey]
Voiceover: In the tradition of obviously not bad guys, like Zachary Hale Comstock, Senator Palpatine, and Skelator, comes a politician who knows how to benefit all mankind.
Thade: It's clear that the Republicrats are trying to take away your freedoms! Your freedoms to submit to me! Well, it's like my father used to say... [more screaming like a monkey] It's what he said before he ate my children!
Voiceover: Thade knows how to keep communication open, listening to all the concerns of every voter he encounters.
Thade: [standing next to Malcom] Most people say that I'm socially awkward, because I invade their personal space. [his face gets uncomfortably close to Malcom's] But they're just not good friends like my pal Jesse! I know we are friends because I have verbally clarified that we are friends. [shakes him] WE ARE FRIENDS, RIGHT?!
Jesse: [in fear] Yes we are friends!
Thade: We are friends! He doesn't mind giving up his humanity for a life of obedience!
Jesse: What?
Voiceover: Thade has the answers you all have questions to.
Girl: I'd like someone who is rugged and wild to be my president.
Thade: But a good leader is only as good as his second in command! And I need someone who clearly understands human beings! That's why I've chosen, a valuable vice president!
[Terl from Battlefield Earth walks in]
Terl: That's right, stupid humans, you can completely trust that I and this literal man-animal have your BEST interests in mind!
Thade: Whether it's domination...
Terl: Or gold...
Thade: Or... whatever else there is, you can rest assured that we will always be there for you!
Terl: Because if a tyrannical overlord is going to rule you anyway, it might as well be from the party that you don't know!
Thade: Vote Thade and Terl because... honestly we're kinda surprised that we kinda got this far! [rubbing and getting close to Terl]
Terl: ...Stop touching me there.
Thade: No...
Terl: I insist...
Thade: Shut up.
Voiceover: Thade and Terl. Paid for by the Kinetic Need of Enforcing Effective Laws. [Shows K.N.E.E.L's logo with Zod's head]

Osmosis Jones Edit

[Within the Critic's mind, the five emotions from "Inside Out" - Joy, Anger, Sadness, Fear and Disgust - Remain in anticipation as the Critic prepares to review that movie]
Joy: [Excited] Alright, truly he loves the movie!
Fear: But he said it was like Herman's Head!
Disgust: Oh, please, no one even remembers that.
Sadness: I miss the other white hall...
Anger: Besides, even if this idea have been done before, no pinhead's ever done it in the way we've done it before.
Osmosis Jones: [On the corner, in sarcasm] Oh, yeah, no one's ever done it like this before!
[All the emotions are dumbstruck and confused by his presence]
Joy: Uhh, what emotion are you?
Osmosis Jones: I'm PISSED OFF, that's what I am!
Anger: [Warning] Hey, that's MY job, buddy!
Osmosis Jones: Heh, yeah, a job you all stole from me, Osmosis Jones!
Sadness: Oh, great, another Wachowski fanboy...
Disgust: Wait, you're saying we ripped you off?
Osmosis Jones: If the body-related pun fits!
Joy: Hey, we're one of the most brilliantly written films of all time, and you? You're just a Farrelly Brothers movie.
Osmosis Jones: Yeah, that's right! You ripped off the people that made Jim Carrey a male cougar!
Anger: Hey, why don't we let the Critic decide by having him review the movie, instead?
Fear: Whatever we do, we better do it fast! The Critic's just been sitting there brain dead for a few minutes!
[Everyone turns around and notices the Critic is brain dead, like a zombie. Joy quickly moves in and re-assumes control.]
Nostalgia Critic: That's why we're gonna review Osmosis Jones! [Pause] Why am I suddenly in a bad mood?

[The chimp grabs Frank and starts pushing his head into the cage's bars constantly]
Nostalgia Critic: What can I even say to this right now? Bill Murray is choking/possibly dry-humping a monkey! I never thought I'd have to repeat this from my Planet of the Apes review, but... [An image of a monkey and a man is shown, with a crossed out heart in the middle] Don't do it. Why is that such a common theme around here?

Nostalgia Critic: So, just to get things straight, with William Shatner in charge, Frank [Bill Murray] has turned into a fat, balding, unhealthy egotistical pain in the ass? [Shows Shatner's photo] Man, you put this guy in anything and the jokes just write themselves!

[After a scene in which the Mayor directly assumes control of Frank to prevent him from going to a doctor...]
Nostalgia Critic: Hmm, why does that sound familiar?
[Then, within his mind...]
Joy: Hey, look, just because there's a control panel to shift his thoughts...
Sadness: While looking through a circular screen of vision... [Both scenes from the movie and Inside Out are shown]
Disgust: Doesn't mean we stole anything!
Osmosis Jones: Y'know? [Ironically] You're right. In fact, I smell a spin-off, with you and another original Disney classic! I call it... [Jones uses a control and the screen shows a mix between the Inside Out and Lion King characters] KIMBA, THE WHITE LIAR!
Anger: THAT NEVER WENT TO COURT! We're mostly on the clear on that one!
Osmosis Jones: Yeah, let me know how that Frozen lawsuit works out...
Fear: Oh, yeah. We might be in big trouble for that one...

Garfield: The Movie Edit

Nostalgia Critic: The Sunkist Tumor seems to do things associated with Garfield: eats lasagna, annoys his owner Jon, played by Breckin Meyer, who we pray to God will make fun of this in Robot Chicken, and talks with annoying friends like Nermal.
[Nermal, not in any way resembling his cartoon counterpart, suddenly pops up]
Nostalgia Critic: Who the fuck is that?! Um, I'm sorry, maybe you heard me wrong. "HANGS OUT WITH NERMAL!" You're - you're really going with this, huh? This - this really is Nermal? Last time I checked, Nermal was said to be the world's cutest kitty cat. He was innocent, he had a soft, high-pitched voice, and Garfield resented him for how adorable he was. Here- well, you got that he's a cat! [mocking tone] Yay! Fucking well done! You looked at the back of a DVD box! [normal tone] It makes even less sense, because Garfield doesn't have any reason to hate him. He's not cute, he's not a kitten, he doesn't really do anything that annoying, and yet, for some reason, Garfield puts him through this implausible mouse trap stunt.

Nostalgia Critic: And you've probably noticed this problem with her, as it's the exact same problem with Jon, they're both too good looking and bland. Don't get me wrong, both these two [Breckin Meyer and Jennifer Love Hewitt] have done great in other films, but, who is Jon? He's a doofus, he's a dork, he's the loser that always strikes out. Who is Liz? She's a cynic, she's a smart mouth, she doesn't care to impress anyone, especially him! Here' they're a fucking greeting card commercial! They're not funny, they're not smart, they're not awkward, and they're chemistry is about as convincing as this nurse holding this wad of lifeless air! Oh, excuse me, "Garfield!"

Garfield: I'll catch up with you. It's probably just a mild concussion, or, maybe I'll get a cat scan. A cat scan!
[NC is shown with his face in his palms, disgusted by that painfully forced joke]
Nostalgia Critic: Quick vote. Um, do you think the writer worked hours on that joke, like, stayed up super-late at night, coffee after coffee, trying to perfect that joke? Or do you feel he ate some paper, drank some ink, and farted out a screenplay? [A graph is shown, showing a large number voting for the "Farted Out" fact rather than the "Tried" fact] I am watched by good people.

Nostalgia Critic: Garfield is a great character. In many respects, he’s kinda immortal. Much like the Looney Tunes or Mickey Mouse, even when he’s not funny, we still watch him because he’s timeless and will last forever. That’s how good a character he is. This movie, in no way represents any of that. It’s the wrong mood, the wrong look, the wrong feel, and the wrong humor. I love this character, even to this day, and usually when they don’t get him right, I still love him because he’s so easy to love. This is the first time I actually felt betrayed. And trust me, I’ve seen him poorly represented before, but I still kind of bought it, because while that stuff failed, it still at least tried to represent the heart and spirit of what Garfield was. Here, every lazy, manipulative, empty, corporate whoring second feels like you’re watching a funeral at a pet cemetery. I’ll still always love Garfield, but only when some element of care, even the tiniest bit, is put in. As far as I’m concerned, I don’t see any of that effort here. Therefore, I don’t see Garfield.

Pixels Edit

Nostalgia Critic: It starts off with the younger versions of Adam Sandler and Kevin James in an arcade competition, where we insert Sandler App #162? - Sweet Old Lady - who delivers our first big zinger.
Young Kevin James: [Played by Tamara] Look, it's grandma!
Grandma: [Played by Malcolm Ray, whom ups her bottle of Yoo-Hoo] Yoo-hoo!
[The film pauses as the Critic appears on-screen]
Nostalgia Critic: That was the first joke, people - She says "Yoo-hoo" while holding up a bottle of Yoo-Hoo. A hundred and ten million dollar budget and THAT is their opening joke! Y'know, why don't you just be honest and say...
[The film resumes]
Young Kevin James: Look, it's grandma!
Grandma: Fuck you, bitches, I'm smoking your money! [She does so, under a gangster rap music]

Nostalgia Critic: [After the prologue, with the typical loser past trope] This brings us to present day where Sandler App #229 - Down on his luck Has-Been who people think will amount to Nothing - is having a conversation with Sandler App #465 - Supportive-best-friend and binge-drinking-idiot Kevin James - who is President of the United States.
[An alarm beep sounds with a big, red BULLSHIT OVERLOAD! splattered as the Critic's App then blows up]
Nostalgia Critic: Yup, even the App couldn't handle something that dumb: Kevin James is President of the United States!
App: [coughing] Bullshit!
'Nostalgia Critic: In the country that's actually kind of considering electing [[Wikipedia:Donald Trump|DONALD TRUMP']] as our next President, even we can't be fucking stupid enough to accept THIS as a reality!

[After a painfully cliched scene of Adam Sandler and Michelle Monaghan's characters fighting off, despite the OBVIOUS fact they'll end up a couple in the end of the movie]
Nostalgia Critic: [Pausing the movie and walking forward] Okay, who's the fucking idiot who keeps falling for this? The couple that acts like they're not gonna get together, but everybody else in the world knows they're gonna get together?! Who's the one fucking idiot whom keeps falling for this and encourages this cliche?! [A small hand rises up, the Critic stares at it, and the hand is literally bombed and blown up to pieces] Thank you, there's ONE LESS in the world...

Nostalgia Critic: [On the public's hatred towards the film] Is it one of the worst, if not THE worst Adam Sandler production that has ever been put together? [beat] No. It's not even close, really. There are so many other films that he's had a hand in it and have tried less and [[Wikipedia:Master of Disguise|accomplished]] less than this has. There was one or two neat effects and every- 20 minutes, maybe, I had a little bit of a laugh, which is more than I can say for some of his other productions. So, why is there so much hate? Why this one gets people just so fucking pissed off? [beat] Because it's 20-fucking-15. The fact that Sandler is still using these lazy gimmicks with no changes is just becoming insulting. [Posters for 50 First Dates and Happy Gilmore] Even if you don't like his humor, which is totally understandable, you felt like he was at least trying. You felt, like, even though it was weird, there was some form of effort being put into his work before. Here, it feels like a 110-million dollar auto-pilot. We know Sandler, as well as all the people, here, can both be talented and funny. But as so many comedians [pictures of Bill Murray, Amy Poehler, and Ben Stiller appear] are trying to evolve and adapt with the times, Sandler seems bizarrely disinterested in getting better! I think we're angry because we want to like Pixels, we want to like Sandler's work. And when we find it's not only bad, but it feels uncaringly bad, we wonder why no one's waking up after all these bombs and saying "Let's try something different. Let's step up our game, step up our jokes, step up our characters!". This is the tipping point when people are just saying "Enough is enough! Give us effort again, give us energy, give us something that feels fresh and new, similar to the first surreal time that we ever encountered you!". Until then, we still have the Sandler App and, hopefully, there'll be a day when this will no longer be a requirement in any of his films.

The Smurfs (2011) ft. Black Nerd Edit

[Opening lines]
Nostalgia Critic: I told you, we just reviewed a Fantastic Four movie, I'm not doing another one!
Tamara: Critic, it was so bad-
Nostalgia Critic: I don't care!
Malcolm: They couldn't even spell it right: Fant-4-stic!
Nostalgia Critic: I DON'T CARE!
Tamara: It got half-a-percent on Rotten Tomatoes!
Nostalgia Critic: How the hell do you that?!
Malcolm: They found a way...

Black Nerd: The Belgian comic turned into an American 80's cartoon has finally hit the big screen!
Nostalgia Critic: Well, technically the second time. [Poster for The Smurfs and the Magic Flute] Fucking liars... Like most 80's cartoons, it banked more on selling merchandise rather than focusing on interesting stories.
Black Nerd: You take that back!
Nostalgia Critic: NEVER!
Black Nerd: [Slowly raising his cellphone, teasing] Police...
Nostalgia Critic: [Tapping the cellphone back down] It was mostly harmless... So much so that you're not entirely sure in how you could get that much of a movie out of it- At least, without being super-creative.
Black Nerd: Well, that's exactly what they did... At first! Rumor has it Paramount orginally owned the rights to the movie and they were looking to make it sort of a comedic epic fantasy: Think The Lord of the Rings meets The Princess Bride
Nostalgia Critic: Well... That doesn't sound too bad.
Black Nerd: Until Sony got the rights to the movie, so Alvin and the Chipmunks were the big hit, and said "Hey, we can do that! Just make them BLUE!"
Nostalgia Critic: So, wait, they're just ripping off that terrible Chipmunks' movie?
Black Nerd: No!
Nostalgia Critic: Oh, thank God... [Breaths in relief when the Black Nerd brings in a bucket entitled "The Smurfs Movie" to the table]
Black Nerd: [laughs maniacally as he puts each following movie in the bucket, akin to a witch's cauldron] They're ripping off the Chipmunks' movie, but they're also ripping off ENCHANTED! And Fat Albert! And Masters of the Universe! All that's missing... [The Critic looks in awe as the Black Nerd gets a piece of crap with a crown] Is a crowning turd!
[The Black Nerd throws it in the bucket, anyway, and the bucket explodes, creating a horrendous, flying CGI beast]
Nostalgia Critic: [Grabs the still laughing Black Nerd] You fool! What've you done?!
Black Nerd: Yes, my fantastic turn-off! Let the world see you for the abomination that you are!
[The beast let's out fire which engulfs the room as...]
Beast: Would you like to buy some Smurf merchandise?
Nostalgia Critic: Evil takes many forms...

Mad Max: Fury Road Edit

Devil Boner: What's this we hear about you hating Fury Road?
Nostalgia Critic: I never said I hate it. I thought it was good.
Gang: Good?!
Devil Boner: Don't you know on the internet that's the same as saying it's bad?!
Nostalgia Critic: Well, I just thought it was short on story and not very practical.
Devil Boner': Did you hear that, Impractical Joe?
Joe: It is not about logic or necessity, but the excuse to display the amazingly action-packed awesomely awesomeness. We even have a station running 24-hour Mad Max imagery. So that the people can see how superior Fury Road is.
Nostalgia Critic: Honestly, I always thought Thunderdome was the best one.
Joe: Mediocre! Destroy him, my fanboys. Destroy all of his mediocrity!

Nostalgia Critic: I'm sorry, but Fury Road is just one big chase, and I can't see what was so brilliant about that. [Notices Joe's truck gaining on them with the claws. Seeing the truck suddenly makes NC realize something he hadn't before] My God. I see now. I get it. I know why Fury Road is a brilliant film. It finally hit me! I know now, not only why it’s genius, but it’s the most ingenious out of all the Mad Max movies!
Curiosa: Why?
Nostalgia Critic: Don’t you see what this is? Don’t you see what this all is?!
[We cut to a Joe's Truck. We return to Curiosa and Critic.]
Curiosa: A Road Runner cartoon? What are you talking about?
Nostalgia Critic: The Road Runner cartoons have lasted for years. With little to no dialogue, quickly identifiable characters, and nothing but chases. People see it as classic because it’s so minimal and yet so interesting. It says so much with just a few clever choices. Fury Road is the same way. Just because it’s all one big chase doesn’t mean that it isn’t smart, and it doesn’t mean that it’s not a game-changer. As much as I love Thunderdome, there are a few scenes that are kind of boring and I can skip. But with Fury Road, I can’t imagine skipping any of it. It’s all amazing to witness. From the music to the action to cutting out anything that’s simply not needed, it gets right to what people wanted to see and keeps them there throughout the entire flick. I can hardly think of any other film that did that throughout the entire thing. You were right. You have always been right. Fury Road is the better flick! [Smiles and calls out to the window] Hey! Impractical Joe! I- [However, Joe, refusing to listen, fires a bomb at NC, who barely dodges it] I don't think he wants to listen.

Meninist 1: Hey! Devil Boner's on her side! Traitor!
Meninist 2: You ain't no man!
Meninist 3: Yeah!
Devil Boner: And you are?! Christ! If you're in the future what being a man is, slap a fucking vagina on me! I'd much rather be a badass like her [Curiosa] than whiny little bitches like you! Hey, here's a thought! If you have to complain about how someone's stealing your manhood, chances are, you never had your manhood to begin with! What, are you five?! You afraid you're gonna get cooties?! And how's that working out for you, anyway? Are women just falling at your feet because you bitch and complain about them online? Real chick magnet, guys! You must get laid a lot! You know what? Keep living in your mama's basements, because the grown-ups are gonna make a more badass world, and we don't need your cry-baby tears pussing it up!

Event Horizon Edit

[The Critic walks calmly to the room and changes his jacket with a halloween-themed one, then goes to the kitchen, makes up cereals and, before he starts eating, he starts screaming in pain as he farts fire out of his butt non-stop. Tamara and Malcolm enter the kitchen and see this.]
Tamara: Doug! [Gets a wrench while Malcolm gets a hammer] Kill it with violence!
[Both strike the Critic down repeatedly and non-stop as then a proctologist is called, and he exams the Critic]
Proctologist: Well, you're right to be afraid... [Tamara and Malcolm resume beating him, and he's just calm] No, uh, not of him. [They stop] See, the Critic ass is... actually the gateway to Hell.
Nostalgia Critic: What?!
Proctologist: Yes, see it for yourself.
[Tamara, Malcolm and the Proctologist look into the Critic's ass and actually see Hell within it!]
Satan: Do you mind?! I'm re-modeling! [Tosses fire to back the trio off and gets a vase] This place needs a plant...

Nostalgia Critic: So, after hearing music by that nightclub you pass by and go 'meh', we get some background on our futuristic setting.
Title Card: 2015 - First permanent colony established on Moon
Nostalgia Critic: Oh, so we colonized the moon this year, huh? Why am I always the last to know these things?! Christ, this is always what happens when I ride my Hover-Board too much!

[The Nostalgia Critic and Malcolm are re-enacting the scene where Justin is in the airlock]
Nostalgia Critic: Come on back, Baby Bear!
Malcolm: [Seething] I told you, I hate it when you call me Baby Bear!
Nostalgia Critic: Alright, we'll call you Smoochikins!
Malcolm: [Groans in frustration]
Nostalgia Critic: Buttercup?
Malcolm: [Groans in annoyance]
Nostalgia Critic: Honey Lemon?
Malcolm: [Groans in annoyance]
Nostalgia Critic: I know! Shrinky Balls! You loved it when we call you Shrinky Balls...
[Malcolm presses the button and gets sucked out of the airlock]
Nostalgia Critic: [Shocked] It was unavoidable.

Nostalgia Critic: [finishing the review] And speaking of Hell. You thinking of relocating any time soon?!
Satan: Well, the smell is pretty bad, even for me. But I can't just let you go without leaving you some form of suffering.
Nostalgia Critic: You put Hell up my ass. How much more suffering can you get than that?
Satan: Well, I have been scouting under William Shatner's toupee. All right, I'll head out, then.
Nostalgia Critic: Thank God. [off Satan's reaction] I mean, you. Whatever.
[Satan waves his hand, and Hell leaves the Critic's ass in a ball of flame.]
Nostalgia Critic: Hey, Tamara. [Tamara comes in] Can you look up my ass to see if Hell is still there?
Tamara: ... I'm gonna go be a back-up singer for Brentafloss.
Nostalgia Critic: Just do it!
[The Critic lies face down on his desk and Tamara examines his ass.]
Tamara: There's nothing in there but a book.
Nostalgia Critic: Whoo hoo!
Tamara: By Stephen King.
Nostalgia Critic: [dejected] Ooh.

Children of the Corn (1984) Edit

Nostalgia Critic: [Excited] It's Halloween! Time to look at another memorable movie and go 'Ooh, that didn't age well...'. It's Stephen King time!
[A title card with the author's face and named 'Stephen King Time' is shown]
Nostalgia Critic: As usual, I have to start out praising this guy before I piss on this guy... Because the dude does have manner to tell and has written lots of stories. [Clips from his movies, like 'It' and 'Maximum Overdrive'] But, whether they don't translate well to film or they just pick the worst ones to adapt, his movies and mini-series rarely show the strengths of his abilities, often resulting in HILARIOUS results! And to start off this review, how about a dramatic re-enacting of how King chooses to write about next?
[The Critic then starts throwing darts at a board with lots of themes Stephen King uses, like 'Cars', 'Clowns', 'Toilet', 'Children', 'Corn', 'Balloons' and such. He hits two of which you guessed.]
Nostalgia Critic: Children of the Corn! [Title Card]

[On the corn, which the film tries making it scary]

Hocus Pocus Edit

Dragon's Lair Edit

Nostalgia Critic: [Grudgingly playing "Dragon's Lair"] Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic, I remember it so you don't have to. This is my punishment for making fun of Don Bluth: I have to play Dragon's Lair. [beat] It doesn't sound that bad, but have you actually played Dragon's Lair? Of course not! Nobody has! You just watched it like everyone else did and waited for that eccentric millionaire to come in, blow all his money and figure out what moves you're supposed to do. Okay, here's the thing: the game really is innovative and beautiful. Nothing had ever been done like it before. [beat] BUT IT'S FREAKIN' HARD! Imagine Legend of Zelda 2, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and Silver Surfer blindfolded. That is only the training to how hard this game is!
Don Bluth: [Watching the Critic] Is someone regretting not talking about how awesome I am?
Nostalgia Critic: You do know the last I did anything game related, it totally blew up in my face, right?
Don Bluth: Yep.
Nostalgia Critic: [Resumes playing while scowling] I really hate you right now.
Don Bluth: Hey, do I need to do a death glare again?
Nostalgia Critic: You know what? Try me! I bet I've gotten used to it by now. [Bluth glares at the Critic, scaring him] D'ohhh! You're like that shaming disapproval of every morbid grandparent!
Don Bluth: Less talking, more reviewing.

[In the game, Dirk comes across a glowing blue diamond and tries to grab it, only to fall to his death]
Nostalgia Critic: [Stunned] What? Wait a minute! It was a glowy thing! HOW AM I NOT SUPPOSED TO GO AFTER A GLOWY THING IN A GAME?! IT'S A GLOWY THING! It's like telling a dog not to go after a bone! It's freakin' nature! [Dirk has come upon the dungeon where the monster with purple tentacles attack] Oh, we're back here again. Okay, use the sword only once. [Dirk swings the sword once at the tentacles and escapes] Ha! You're my bitch, purple peni!
[A chain glows and Dirk grabs it, but it opens up a water gate, releasing a torrent of water that washes him away]
Nostalgia Critic: [Stunned] Wha... ha... That was two glowy things! You just got in my head not to even go after one glowy thing, and then you give me fucking two?! That's like telling me not to go after a cupcake, and then you give me two cupcakes, and then you smack me in the face for not going after the two cupcakes! WHAT DO YOU WANT?! In the depths of your ignorance, what do you want? [Dirk comes across a room with a wall closing him off; the door behind it glows] Glowy thing... [Hesitantly] Yes? [Dirk successfully jumps through the wall before it closes, much to the Critic's delight] Ha-HA! [Dirk comes across a bottle labeled "Drink Me"] Ooh, another glowy thing. [Dirk drinks the contents of the bottle, only to suddenly crumble into a pile of dust] OOH! [Aggravated] It said, "DRINK ME!" The goddamn game gave me an instruction, and it lied to me! I WASN'T SUPPOSED TO DRINK IT EVEN THOUGH IT SAID DRINK IT! WHO'S RUNNING THIS GODDAMN PLACE, GLaDOS?!

[The Critic keeps losing at the game]
Don Bluth: [Amused] Wow, you're really bad at this.
Nostalgia Critic: [Angrily] YA THINK?!
Don Bluth: I can usually win this in ten minutes.
Nostalgia Critic: That's because you made this, schmuck!

Christmas With the Kranks Edit

[Opening Lines]
Nostalgia Critic: [Stressed, speaking as quick as possible] Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic, I remember it so you don't have to, especially when you shouldn't have to! By God, is today's movie bad! It is one of the worst Christmas flicks you could possibly see - It's a wonderful little piece-of-shit bomb called "Christmas with the Kranks"! [Title Card] This is based on the John Grisham novel. Yes, THAT John Grisham. [Shows the cover for 'The Firm' novel] He was so good at making white people afraid of the justice system that I guess he decided to make white people afraid of Christmas, too. He succeeded, but in the way he probably didn't intend. It's mind-blowing how little this movie tries, how tired the writing is, how it doesn't attempt in any way to give us anything new! The jokes are years-old, the acting is like something out of the '50s, it's message is beyond half-assed and lazy, it's just friggin' horrendous. It's so bad, I wish I could give this review as little effort as possible.
[Santa Christ shows up with his assistants, played by Tamara Chambers and Malcolm Ray]
Santa Christ: Wish? Did somebody say wish?
Nostalgia Critic: No, no no no, I'm not doing that, Santa Christ, no, I AM NOT dignifying this review with any kind of effort, whatsoever!
Tamara: Well, we put these costumes on for no reason... [Takes her costume off as Malcolm follows suit]
Malcolm: Care to a Yuletide Hamper?
Tamara: You know it.
Santa Christ: [As both leave] Wait, discip-elves! Get back here, you pointy-eared lushes! Critic, what's going on?!
Nostalgia Critic: This movie tries so little to be anything interesting or good I want to devote as little effort as possible to it! Like the good old days, y'know, before I had a budget or a studio... Just talked in front of a camera and didn't have to try as hard... Things were easier and better, then...
Santa Christ: Well, the segue you were going to put effort into would've made that happen. BUT, since you're not interested... [Leaves]
Nostalgia Critic: [Going after Santa Christ] No, no, no, no! I want to give this movie the same shit-to-port delivery it gave me!
Santa Christ: Very well, then... [Starts gesturing] By the discontinuous powers that somehow killed me in the Cinema Snob crossover, yet brought me back...
Nostalgia Critic: Yeah, sorry about that...
Santa Christ: Dick... I send you TO THE PAST!
[Both teleport away in an explosion]

[As Dan Aykroyd is seen chanting with a choir, all to torment the Kranks]
Nostalgia Critic: Okay, can we never cut back to Aykroyd singing again? I thought there was a legal agreement he'd never do that again, after Blues Brothers 2000!

[The Krank's Frosty, which already had creepy expressions, lights its eyes up out of nowhere!]
Nostalgia Critic: OKAY, is that thing made out of Satan's saliva?!
Frosty: [In an evil tone] Do you wanna kill Tim Allen?

[Ending monologue]
Nostalgia Critic: We're not who we were, we change. Sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worse, but we all change. Movies like this don't want us to change. They try to shame those whom do things their own way. They act like the importance is in the details and not in the overall message. This is a horrible thing to teach, especially when talking about Christmas! [Long pause] But we shouldn't be ashamed of our past. Nor should we glorify it. It's like anything, there's positives and negatives. There's good moments in bad times and there's bad moments in good times. Because of this, traditions can be hard to figure out, too. Sometimes we obssess over things when we don't need to, other times, we try something new when we probably should've left good enough alone. [Looking at his long gone Demo Reel project] But, between one foot in the past and one in the future, lies what matters most - The choices we make now are what always has and always will define who we are. So, this Christmas, when you're remembering to be kind and understanding of others... Remember to be kind and understanding of yourself. And those moments you remember as being embarrassing, you may find are not only the most precious moments, but often the most important. And sometimes, should be looked at with more appreciation than you think. We're always gonna get angry at ourselves, but, as long as you always try to learn and get better, you'll find it doesn't last that long. And trust me when I say: You're definitely worth the time. I'm the Nostalgia Critic, [Flips off a bit] this movie can suck it.

Star Wars: The Force Awakens Edit

[We open with the Critic and Cinema Snob dressed as Solo in the Millennium Falcon, running away from a Revenge of the Sith Star Destroyer]
Nostalgia Critic: RRRRUAAAHHH!
Cinema Snob: I know your family's waiting...
Nostalgia Critic: RRROOOAAAHH!
Cinema Snob: I know it's an important day! [The Critic starts whining all around in Wookie language] For God's sakes, use your adult words!
Nostalgia Critic: [sigh] I'm sorry, Cinema Snob, it's just, I'm so excited! It's the Star Wars Holiday Sequel and we're totally retconning the problems of the last one!
Cinema Snob: We're not going anywhere unless we outrun that giant slice of pizza!
Nostalgia Critic: Uh, why don't you just shut to Lightspeed, that's always the answer.
Cinema Snob: Oh, yeah. Why does it take so long for me to remember that?

Nostalgia Critic: The highly anticipated sequel to the now poorly named sci-fi trilogy is here, Star Wars: The Force Awakens.
Cinema Snob: Can it make up for the Siths of the past? Will there be a Special Edition where CG characters are replaced with puppets?
Nostalgia Critic: And, most importantly, will it lead to even MORE holiday specials?
Cinema Snob: More?!
Nostalgia Critic: C'mon, Halloween, Easter, wouldn't you love to see how Jar-Jar celebrates Black History month?
Cinema Snob: [Disgusted] I'd rather drive with Jake Lloyd!
Nostalgia Critic: This is The Force Awakens.
Cinema Snob: So it starts off with- Oh, hold on a second.
[The Critic and Snob push the movie aside as they shove "SPOILERS!" tags all across the screen]

Nostalgia Critic: So, Kylo Ren talks to Supreme Leader Snoke and... [Snoke is shown, way much gigantic than Ren] HOLY SHIT!
Cinema Snob: What the hell is that?!
Nostalgia Critic: Oh, my God, that's the new Emperor? He's GIGANTIC! [All excited] Holy smuck- Imagine the possibilities you can do with this-
Kylo Ren: Supreme Leader, I'm sorry we have to talk via non-cost-effective gigantic hologram.
NC and CS: BOO!
Cinema Snob: That's for making me think you were awesome!
Nostalgia Critic: Well, who knows? Maybe he still has a pretty good design.
[Snoke is shown and, exactly as you feared, he looks a CGI render of Voldemort's love child.]
Cinema Snob: I thought I said no more cartoons in this!
Nostalgia Critic: Actually, I think that's supposed to look realistic... Yeah, remember that cheap-ass alien from Kingdom of the Crystal Skull? He's your Emperor now! Except he somehow looks even faker.