The Nostalgia Critic/Season 5

Quotes from the 5th season of The Nostalgia Critic, which aired in 2012.

Santa Claus The Movie

[After Santa and his wife are rescued from the cold by the elves and brought to their workshop]

Santa: What is all this?

Elf: They're Christmas toys, waiting for you.

Santa: What have they got to do with me?

Elf: You're going to give them to your children. You have all the children of the world.

Santa: I won't live long enough for that.

Elf: Both of you will live forever.

Nostalgia Critic: Um, am I the only one who finds this a little threatening at times? I mean, granted, these people did save them from death, but then they're like [Starts imitating Santa and the elf back and forth] "You live here now." "What?" "You deliver toys for all eternity." "I didn't agree to this." "You will live forever." "I have some questions about all thi—" "Or we could throw you out in the snow to die. Would you like that better?" "No." "Alright then! Get to work, slave -- we're not paying you anything."

Star Trek The Motion Picture

Ilia: My oath of celibacy is on record, Captain.

Nostalgia Critic: [nearly spits] Oh, I was this close to spitting out my drink. What the hell!? As if this setup wasn't awkward enough, you really had to throw that in? Get some social skills, lady!

Nostalgia Critic: Good God, this is just watching a bunch of footage and then seeing somebody comment on it. [Beat] Who the hell would wanna see that?!

[In response to one of several uninterrupted -- and wholly uninteresting -- special effects shots]

Nostalgia Critic: Oh my God! This is agony! This is such boredom! Angry Joe, why didn't ya tell me?! Tell me there's an edit coming up, these shots are going on forever. Please give me a cut, just give me a cut! [Cuts to Joe -- who appeared earlier in the review -- in an homage to "Wrath of Khan"]

Angry Joe: Oh I've done far worse than give you no cuts. I've hurt you, and I wish to go on hurting you. I shall leave you as this movie left me, left all audiences: marooned in the center of a dead screening, bored out of your mind! Bored out of your mind!

Nostalgia Critic: [Shaking his fist in a final "Wrath of Khan" homage] CUT! [Echoing] CUT! CUT!

Spock: Computer commence recording. Captain Kirk, these messages will detail my attempt to contact the aliens.

Nostalgia Critic: So, to put it bluntly... he'll be back after these messages. [The screen starts fading to black] No wait! Wait! That was a joke! That was a joke! I wasn't serious! Oh hey! What're you doing?! STOP! [When viewed on the Critic's web site, it cuts to an actual ad here before abruptly cutting back to the Critic] Ugh! Chester report!

Chester A. Bum: We were intercepted by a word from our sponsor!

Nostalgia Critic: Damn it! Those advertising executives are getting more and more clever. Raise our shields against any more commercial plugs!

Chester A. Bum: Yes sir! Incidentally, this raising of the shields is brought to you by the delicious taste of Diet Coke.

Nostalgia Critic: CHESTER!

Chester A. Bum: Sorry! Sorry!

Star Trek 3 - The Search for Spock

[Skipping his usual opening line, the Critic instead recaps the events of "Wrath of Khan" by parodying the cliffhangers frequently used in the 1960s "Batman" TV show, complete with the original music]

Nostalgia Critic: Last time in the good "Star Trek" movie... oh no! Khan escaped from his prison? A new toy called "Genesis" that creates life in two seconds but still can't create a good Sonic game in years! Kirstie Alley? As a Vulcan? She does well, but that's just plain weird! Revenge is sought after, and Shatner says Khan's name like he's passing a kidney stone!

Captain Kirk: KHAN!

Nostalgia Critic: What's this? Spock is sacrificing himself for the crew? It appears this Vulcan wants out of this franchise! Will he be sucked back by the fact that he's the most marketable character? Stay tuned! Same "Star Trek" time, same "Star Trek" channel!

[Before he can proceed with his review, the Critic is interrupted by text on his screen that says "Incoming Cameo"]

Nostalgia Critic: Oh God, this is probably what we've been waiting for. OK, put it onscreen. [Cuts away to fellow TGWTG reviewer That Sci-Fi Guy in another room]

That Sci-Fi Guy: Hi, Critic!

Nostalgia Critic: Sci-Fi Guy?

That Sci-Fi Guy: Yeah, who'd you think it was gonna be?

Nostalgia Critic: Uh, no one, I thought it was gonna be Linkar—anyway, what's up?

That Sci-Fi Guy: Well I got that copy of "Star Trek 5" that you wanted.

Nostalgia Critic: D'oh, that's right! I don't have a copy of it 'cause I only try to own good movies.

That Sci-Fi Guy: Yeah well, you know, being a sci-fi nerd, it's kinda required by law that I own everything "Star Trek," even the really bad stuff like the Christmas special.

Nostalgia Critic: There's a Christmas special?

That Sci-Fi Guy: Yeah, it's only legally viewable in Amsterdam...

Alien: Genesis?!

Nostalgia Critic: You know, maybe you could say your lines a little easier if you stopped imitating the voice of Stitch!

Star Trek 5 - The Final Frontier

[The Critic plays a producer and William Shatner, explaining how the film got a scene with a three-breasted cat lady]

Producer: Mr. Shatner, I don't know why you wrote in a three-breasted cat lady in here—

Shatner: Vanessa!

Producer: ...Vanessa. But she doesn't seem to be all that important.

Shatner: Oh but she is! She shows what a run-down place it is.

Producer: But then she kills all the main characters except for you!

Shatner: Yes! Everything in "Star Trek" has been building up to the sexual adventures of me and her three breasts!

Producer: But that doesn't make sense! Why would a cat lady—

Shatner: Vanessa!

Producer: Vanessa—be the big pay-off in "Star Trek"?

Shatner: Because it adds to the gravitas and weight of—

Producer: You just wanted to see this disgusting thing on screen, didn't you?

Shatner: Just give me five scenes with her.

Producer: One.

Shatner: Four.

Producer: Two.

Shatner: Done! Hehehe, Shatner ya still got it!

Kirk: [eating beans with the crew around a campfire] I've always known... I'll die alone.

Nostalgia Critic: [Shows death scene from Star Trek Generations] Or with a bald man trapped under a bridge gasping for air, but I know it’s one of those two.

"God": The ship! I must have the ship!

Nostalgia Critic: Now, to be fair, according to most texts, God has asked for a lot of bizarre things... [Illustrates the following three situations with pictures and impersonated voices]

God's Voice: Jesus, die on the cross.

Jesus: What?

God's Voice: Abraham, kill your son.

Abraham: Heh?

God's Voice: Moses, wander through the desert for about forty years.

Moses: What the fuck—?

Nostalgia Critic: Asking for a starship almost sounds reasonable!

Star Trek 7 - Generations

Chekov: [to Kirk] I'd like you to meet the helmsman of the Enterprise-B. Ensign Demora...Sulu.

Demora Sulu: It's a pleasure to meet you, sir. My father's told me some interesting stories about you.

Nostalgia Critic: Yes... [holds up and opens a copy of 'To the Stars: The Autobiography of George Takei'] like how he originally wanted to be the captain of the Excelsior in Star Trek II, but you wouldn't let him. How you didn't show up to Gene Roddenberry's funeral, that was pretty douchey, and how you're just an all-around great big prick. It's a fascinating read.

[cut back to the scene]

Kirk: [on Sulu] When did he find time for a family?

Scotty: Finding retirement a little lonely, are we?

Kirk: [sarcastically] You know, I'm glad you're an engineer. With tact like that, you'd make a lousy psychiatrist.

[freezes the frame as text says "Awkward Laugh in: 3, 2, 1" with a ding sound, then cuts to Scotty awkwardly laughing]

Nostalgia Critic: [laughing] I'm contractually obligated to like you. So as they go out on their first trip on a routine test run, there's - say it with me now - [He's joined by a chorus of voices and onscreen text as they all say the following sentences] a distress call. They're the only ship in range, and they don't have the proper necessities, but they're going anyway. [Now addressing the viewer] I have trained you well.

Nostalgia Critic: [after Data's life forms song] It’s singalong time again! This side of the internet, sing "Life Forms," this side, sing "Row, Row, Row Your Boat". Row, row, row your boat gently down the stream / You tiny little life forms do do do do do / Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, life is but a / You precious little life forms do do do do do / Everybody sing along! [pause] I said sing along! I’m not continuing the review unless you do! Yeah, what are you gonna do? Cut to commercial? [that happens]

[Picard joins Kirk at what he thinks is his old home inside the Nexus]

Picard: This isn't really your house. We are both of us caught up in some kind of temporal nexus.

Kirk: [Cracks open an egg in a pan] Dill.

Picard: I beg your pardon?

Kirk: Dill weed. In the cabinet. Behind the oregano. [Picard fetches it for him as "Star Trek" is suddenly displayed onscreen with "Next Generation" theme music playing and the Critic's dramatically enhanced voice]

Nostalgia Critic: Behold, two of the greatest Starfleet captains of all time making eggs! Only one other thing could top off this epic pairing of awesomeness... [Three slices of toast pop out of a toaster and Kirk motions to them] Toast! We have toast! [The word is displayed onscreen] Ladies and gentlemen, toast! Oh-ho my God, I just soiled myself!

Star Trek 9 - Insurrection

Nostalgia Critic: And now we come to the final film in Star Trek Month: Star Trek: Insurrection, with special guest star...Linkara.

Linkara: Hello, adoring fans. I've come all the way here on my spaceship to talk to you about the most HATED of all Star Trek films.

Nostalgia Critic: Wait a moment. This was the most hated? I thought it was either like the first one or 5 that was the most despised.

Linkara: That may be the case with other fans, but me personally, this is my least favorite in the entire franchise. So you need me here, or you'll screw this review up like you've done so many times before!

Nostalgia Critic: What? When have I ever screwed something up?

Linkara: [holding a big stack of papers] In your Battlefield Earth review, you said that the Psychlos have never had an explosion on their planet when that's NOT what they said in the movie. It was that the air they breathed reacted violently to radiation!

Nostalgia Critic: My God. You're defending Battlefield Earth.

Linkara: No. I'm pointing out the fact that you never get details right, so we're gonna do this together so it gets done CORRECTLY!

Bolian: Captain, Hars Adislo, we met at the Nel Bato Conference last year. Did you ever have a chance to read my paper on thermionic transconductance?

Picard: Would you excuse me?

Nostalgia Critic: [shocked] Who was that guy?!

Linkara: I don't know.

Nostalgia Critic: Well, you've seen all the shows! Has he ever popped up?

Linkara: Not that I'm aware of.

Nostalgia Critic: Well, maybe he'll explain it in his next scene.

Linkara: He doesn't have a "next scene".

Nostalgia Critic: You mean, he just completely...

Linkara: ...vanishes.

[The clip of the Bolian replays with mysterious music from Titanic, while the Critic goes into close-up with a pondering look on his face]

Nostalgia Critic: Who were you, Blue Man...?

[After a pretty inconsistent scene in which the Baku are up to date with the current technology, but still remain non-technological]

Linkara: I'm, sorry, but I'm not behind this, at least not in the way these pompous jerks are flaunting it. First of all, you have machines! We saw your irrigation line, you idiots! And those clothes look pretty damn well-tailored for people who don't have the ability to manufacture them properly! Second, this movie builds this place up as paradise, as Eden or Perfection. However, their philosophy is the complete opposite of what Star Trek stands for! Star Trek, in the end, is about how advanced technology has done us so much good, allows us to do so many great things, and that the future is a bright one, partially because we want for nothing! THIS movie, however, tells us we need to "get back to nature" and be smug hippie jackasses who reject technology and machines in favor of being so inbred that we don't believe in any other colors for our clothes except brown!

Nostalgia Critic: Yikes, Linkara!

Linkara: I'm sorry, but I really HATE these people! They piss me off!

Nostalgia Critic: What, do you hate Amish people, too?

Linkara: No, they hate me. But at least the Amish have religious reasons for rejecting technology! These guys are just dumb! We see them using tools! And in the end, what is technology but just advanced tools?

Nostalgia Critic: Well, on the bright side, it's not like we have to deal with them that ofte-

Linkara: [interrupting The Critic] They're the focus of the movie!

Nostalgia Critic: Fuck!

[After Linkara uses footage from "Next Generation" to prove something Troi said was incorrect]

Nostalgia Critic: What was that?

Linkara: That was a clip from the show.

Nostalgia Critic: Oh God, don't tell me...

Linkara: Yes, I have every episode of "Star Trek" in my ship's databanks. [Cuts away to the Critic smothering his face with a pillow and hitting himself as Linkara continues] I intend to use them throughout this review whenever the continuity seems off. Come to think of it, we could probably have used that a few scenes ago. Mind if we go back? [The Critic screams into his pillow] I'll take that as a "no".

[As Picard confronts Admiral Dougherty on the matter of the Baku relocation.]

Admiral Dougherty: We'll be able to use the regenerative properties of this radiation to help billions.

Linkara: And I'm sorry, but I gotta reference my clips again!

[The Critic breaks down and cries in the pillow as Linkara continues with the following clips]

Linkara: This is what I was referring to, before - At the same time this movie came out, the series Deep Space Nine was on, and during that series, the Federation was at war with a powerful enemy called The Dominion, and the Federation was losing! Badly! And according to their projections, if the Federation loses, eight hundred BILLION people will DIE! And I'm sorry, but, uh, doesn't Star Trek have a particular clip for this kinda thing?

[Linkara then replays a clip from Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan]

Spock: The needs of the many... outweight...

Kirk: ...the needs of the few.

Linkara: I'm sorry, but... I'm completely on the side of the bad guys, here!

Nostalgia Critic: Linkara, I'm not going to lie. I do think that's the worst one.

Linkara: You see?!

Nostalgia Critic: Even if you took out the ethical discussions, the film as a whole is just a bore. The acting is dull, the effects are dull. It's paced more like a really lame episode than it is a feature film. It just feels like nothing was accomplished. And even the worst Star Trek movies left me with something, at least one or two interesting moments, but this is totally forgettable and has nothing backing it. And in a way, for a Star Trek movie, you can argue that that is the worst crime you can ever commit.

Linkara: Oh, wait, wait, wait! We still have all the problems of Nemesis to go through, and I'm not just talking continuity errors here... [continues rambling]

Nostalgia Critic: Oh God, Linkara, have you no heart?!

That SciFi Guy: [still in the corner] Hey...why don't you just turn off the TV?

Nostalgia Critic: Oh yeah!

Linkara: What the fu-?! [Television is turned off]

Nostalgia Critic: All right, Sci-Fi Guy, you've been there long enough. I think you've learned your lesson.

That SciFi Guy: What lesson? I didn't do anything!

Nostalgia Critic: You want to go beck in the corner?

That SciFi Guy: No...

Nostalgia Critic: Well, thanks, everybody, for joining me for Star Trek Month. I hope you enjoyed it and-

[off screen crowd begins to boo loudly, and text appears on screen reading "Do Nemesis"]

Nostalgia Critic: All right, all right. I'll quickly go over Star Trek: Nemesis. This is the film that everyone says is the other bad Trek film, but to be fair, I don't think it's that bad. It's got some annoying scenes and way too much action, but the whole idea of nature literally versus nurture, I thought was kinda fascinating. I liked the idea that Picard had to battle his younger self and that in a different environment, maybe he could have been something entirely different. And the relationship between the two, I think, in many respects, is actually kinda heartbreaking. To me, that's the glue that held the movie together. Is it good? Technically on a storytelling level, probably not, but I have to admit, I enjoyed watching it for the most part, but, yeah, I'll admit, as an ending to the Next Generation franchise, it probably wasn't all that it could be. I mean, it could've been a hell of a lot worse. It could've been Star Trek: Insurrection!

That SciFi Guy: Well, I think-

Nostalgia Critic: GO TO THE CORNER!

Patch Adams

Nostalgia Critic: As you can probably tell by my voice, I'm just getting over an illness. It was either brought on by natural circumstances or the film I saw was so bad it made me physically sick. Either one wouldn't surprise me! So, the doctor says I should be fine, though, as long as I get plenty of rest and relaxa— [He's suddenly hit in the face by a red ball thrown from his left off-screen] OWW! [He's joined by a man (himself) wearing a lab coat, a rainbow wig and a red clown nose]

Bitch Spasms: Ho-ho! Don't you know? The cure for anything anywhere is laughter! Ho-ho!

Nostalgia Critic: Who are you?

Bitch Spasms: I'm Doctor Bitch Spasms, and I'm here to make you laugh! Ho-ho!

Nostalgia Critic: But I don't wanna laugh, I wanna get better.

Bitch Spasms: Well, laughter's the best medicine!

Nostalgia Critic: No, medicine's the best medicine.

Bitch Spasms: Ho-ho, what? You don't trust a doctor who looks like this?

Nostalgia Critic: ...No, I don't.

Bitch Spasms: Look, a red nose! It's funny!

Nostalgia Critic: No it isn't.

Bitch Spasms: It's funny!

Nostalgia Critic: No it isn't.

Bitch Spasms: It's funny!

Nostalgia Critic: No it isn't.

Bitch Spasms: It's funny!

Nostalgia Critic: No it isn't.

Bitch Spasms: It's funny!

Nostalgia Critic: No it isn't. [Spasms throws his nose at the Critic's face again] OWW!

Carin: [Speaking to Patch] Don't you think I see through you, hm? You act like you're above the system when you're really just a non-conformist. You have to get under the fingernails of any authority figure that crosses your path as a way of dealing with some insecurity. ["YOU WIN!" flashes on the screen and a crowd is heard cheering]

Nostalgia Critic: That is correct! That is correct! Please hand over the rest of the movie to her -- clearly she should be the focus!

[after finding out about Patch's murdered girlfriend]

Nostalgia Critic: Whoa! Holy smokes, she died in real life? That's horrible! C-c-can I even make a joke about that? I mean, a woman was murdered! It would probably be in bad taste, right? God, I-I-I feel so bad about what I said earlier! I don't know about what I can or can't get away with now, this is really sensitive territory! Holy shit-- [pulls out Blackberry] I need to do more research on this! I need to find out all the details! Maybe she was molested, maybe she did go through all that horrible stuff or maybe she was... [pause] ...a man! Who was not romantically interested in Patch at all, in fact, the female character was a complete work of fiction in this movie! [pauses again to think about the fact, then, drops Blackberry and starts removing his belt] Okay movie. Come here. Come here! You're getting a whoopin', movie! YOU'RE GETTING A WHOOPIN', MOVIE! [the poster to the film is seen laughing and jumping, before the Critic grabs it and puts it on his lap as he sits] Come here! Come here! Come here! [starts giving the poster the belt] That's a BAD movie, that's a BAD, BAD movie! I am so ashamed of you! BAD MOVIE! [belts it one final time as the poster laughs]

Nostalgia Critic: Okay, all bets are off! If this movie can't even represent a dead person by getting his gender right, not making up a false romance, AND A CHILD MOLESTING STORY, all of it fabricated... I'm sorry, I've worked my way up to this joke! Remember that scene I brought up earlier? [The library scene is played again]

Patch: What if a doctor becomes emotionally involved with a patient? What is wrong with that? Does the doctor explode?

Nostalgia Critic: Well, if you count bullets blowing up the head of your fictional dead girlfriend, YES! YES, THEY FUCKING DO! I mean, I know a person really was murdered in real life, but it wasn't the same way, it wasn't the same time, and it wasn't even the same gender as they're saying here! And what is so strange about this is that it totally proves why the method they're so poorly trying to convey to us wouldn't work! People do make bad choices when they're emotional, and bad things do happen! Again, the real teachings of the real Hunter Adams are much smarter than this, and by trying to simplify it to such a disgusting, fictionalized degree is absolutely horrible! Let me tell YOU something, movie! Maybe YOU should've been "emotionally invested" when you were representing the life of a man, his theories, his friends, his real-life practices, and his actual hard work! [While flipping the bird at the screen] FUCK...YOU!

Nostalgia Critic: People, this movie is disgusting! If you want to talk about the benefits of emotional interaction with your patients, fine! If you want to talk about new forms of practicing medicine and treating people, fine, but DO IT AS A FUCKING ADULT, not this childish, poorly written, non-factual bullshit! You know what you do? You know what...Don't watch the fictional, bad Patch Adams! [The movie poster appears on his right, and he spits on it, while a picture of the real life Patch Adams appears on his left] Watch the real, factual Patch Adams! I've looked him up--his work is fascinating, and it goes beyond just simply jumping around like a jackass! He's a professional, he takes his patients seriously, he works with each one individually! Every experience is different, and he works hard! And, wouldn't you know it, he didn't like this movie very much! He said it portrayed him as just a clown instead of a hardworking doctor who did practice medicine with a license, did not steal from a hospital, and had a male best friend who sadly lost his life and was not just a cheap romantic foil!

Patch Adams: When you've had an apparently simple film made of your life by a person that's much shorter than you, people still feel they have a sense that they know you.

Nostalgia Critic: Look the guy up! [PatchAdams.org appears on the screen] Donate to his hospital if you want, just don't believe anything in this shitfuckfuckfuckshitfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckshitfuck!

Patch Adams: What about you, dear? What's your fantasy?

Elderly Female Patient: I've always wanted to be in a swimming pool full of noodles. Wall to wall and top to bottom. An entire pool full of noodles.

Nostalgia Critic: [Awkward look on his face] Look up Japanese porn. I'm sure you'll find something.

Nostalgia Critic: Oh, and get ready to get pissed off even more: he's actually one of the highest testing students in the school! Yeah, what the hell?! We never see him do anything resembling schoolwork, or doctor work, for that matter. All we see him do is act like he's from a mental ward! Oh, wait a second, HE WAS FROM A MENTAL WARD!

Patch Adams: [To Mitch] You told Walcott I cheated!

Mitch Roman: Look, cut the crap, Hunter. I live with you, I know how much you study, or should I say "don't" study. And you do better than me? Give me a break.

Nostalgia Critic: Okay, this is actually a good point! Why don't we see him study in this film? In Amadeus, they at least explain that he was obsessed with music at childhood. That's how he could remember everything. Here, they never explain why he never studies, and yet still get good grades! For all we know, he could be cheating! They never give us another explanation!

Nostalgia Critic: So finally, and I do mean, FINALLY, he gets himself expelled. Yeah, I can't imagine why!

Walcott: Kindly pack your things and vacate the school premises at once.

Patch Adams: What for? For asking a group of doctors to have a sense of humor about themselves?

Nostalgia Critic: No, that wasn't asking, that was forcing! As a comedian, you should know the difference! BAD CLOWN!

Nostalgia Critic: So he starts his own hospital in a house to practice medicine...WITHOUT A LICENSE, and starts seeing patients for free! Okay, nice thought, but first, GET YOUR FUCKING LICENSE! I mean, good God! That's horrible! That's almost as bad as stealing from a hospital!

[Scene shows Patch in his hospital, talking of how they're now out of supplies, and goes to, you guessed it, steal from a Hospital! NC's jaw drops in shock]

Nostalgia Critic: Movie...did you even say this part out loud? "Your hero is stealing from a hospital?" ...do you think that would sound good on a movie poster? [image of poster that says this] "Patch Adams: He steals from hospitals." I WOULDN'T SEE THAT!

Patch Adams: Walcott found out about our borrowed supplies.

Nostalgia Critic: No, "borrowing" implies you asked, asshole.

Ponyo

[The review begins with the Critic entering a convention through a huge revolving door while narrating to himself]

Nostalgia Critic: As I enter my next con at Anime Milwaukee, I realize that I stand upon the threshold of my two hundredth episode. My God, two hundred episodes! I can't just review another bad nostalgic movie. I have to review something different and unexpected. But what could I choose? [Looking around the convention] Anime! It continues to be such a large part of the geek culture. Surely there must be something strange enough and unique enough that Japanese animation can give me to look at? [He suddenly sees a stuffed clownfish on a display] Of course! Inspired, ingenious, the Internet will love me forever! I now know what I must review for my two hundredth episode! [Cuts to the Critic addressing an assembled crowd of convention attendees] I'm gonna review "Ponyo"! [There's an awkward pause before the crowd angrily rushes the stage and the Critic recoils and screams before fleeing to his room] Good. I think I've lost them. Okay, look. Let me make one thing perfectly clear: I don't hate this movie. I don't even dislike it. I think it's good. It's cute, it's creative, it's got memorable characters and visuals, which is what you'd expect from the great director Miyazaki. I just think there's a few things in this movie that people overlook and that maybe they should look a little closer at. Like I said, it doesn't make it bad, but I think it does make it worth another viewing. And that's not worth killing a guy over, is it?

Angry mob: Crucify Him! Crucify Him! Crucify Him!

[Sosuke manages to get on top of a rock before the tide comes in, but not before seeing a pair of eyes in the water]

Sosuke: That was weird.

Nostalgia Critic: Yup, we're definitely in a Miyazaki movie: only in his world can water have eyes and the only response is...

Sosuke: That was weird.

Nostalgia Critic: [As Sosuke] I'm desensitized by seizure-inducing Asian cartoons.

Nostalgia Critic: Oh, my God, what is this woman's problem?! Why does she need to get home? Why is it worth putting your son's life at risk? Nobody's this crazy!

[The Speed Racer opening plays]

Singers: Go, Speed Racer, GO!

Lisa: Turn around. Sit down.

Nostalgia Critic: [as Sosuke sees Ponyo running across the fish] Mom, what'd you put in my lunch? So apparently, Ponyo's hunger for the flesh called ham is leading to the destruction of the entire city. PONYO wants HAM! You will not stop my pursuit of Oscar Mayer!

Dunston Checks In

Nostalgia Critic: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic, I remember it MONKEYS AREN'T FUNNY.

[On Jason Alexander's character]

Nostalgia Critic: He's in charge of running the hotel, and making sure everything goes according to plan. And, let me guess, he's the boys'... [The word "Father" appears next to a picture of Darth Vader with a "Ding!" sound, which repeats for each of the following] and the mother is... [The word "Kaput" appears next to a picture of Bambi's mother] and a great, big, fancy party is happening... [The word "Tomorrow" appears next to a picture of Annie and her dog] and the odds of any plot device being original in this movie is... [The word "Zero" appears next to a picture of the video game character of the same name] Could you just... fax me the disappointment I'm going to receive?

[As Dunston is pestering the boys' father while he's sleeping]

Nostalgia Critic: My God, they're not! You've done every single monkey cliché in the book, you're not honestly going to do— [He crawls into bed with the father] Yup! They're doing the "monkey in the bed" routine, where the person mistakes some sort of strange animal for a human being in their bed. People, I'm not kidding, this joke has been around since the dawn of time. [Beat] No, really, I'm not joking, it was there at the birth of man -- look! [Cuts to the opening scene of "2001" and provides subtitles for what the monkeys are saying to each other]

Various Monkeys: "Hey guys, I totally think we should do a bit where a guy sleeps in a bed with a monkey and he doesn't know it." "I dunno, that sounds like it might get old fast." "SHUT THE FUCK UP!" "We're also gonna put babies in Super Bowl commercials! That will never get old!" "Babies? Genius! Can we make them horribly lip-sync?" "YES..." "WE..." "CAN!"

Robert: Come here, come here. [He looks up and screams]

[Cut to two old women waiting quietly while Dunston jumps onto Robert in the background, their violent struggle comically muted]

Nostalgia Critic: I'll confess, that gets a little bit of a chuckle out of me. But good God, is there anything remotely funny, remotely humorous that can be brought in to breathe some life into this movie? [as Pee-wee Herman] Paging Mr. Herman. Mr. Herman, you have a crappy movie to save with a monkey in it. [Paul Reubens' character appears] Yes, ladies and gentlemen, we have Pee-wee, or Paul Reubens, to be more precise! Yeah, I know. He's in Dunston Checks In because his ding-a-ling checked out, but who cares? He's one of the only people to put any energy in this flick!

Buck LaFarge: You think it might be cute to put a baby orangutan in your kid's basket. Well, at first, it is cute. Then it gets bigger. The kids lose interest. And then one night, you flush it down the toilet.

Nostalgia Critic: Okay, so he's not... funny funny, but he tries to kill the monkey, and that gets brownie points in my book!

Thomas and the Magic Railroad

[Spoofing a movie trailer at the beginning of his review]

Nostalgia Critic: This is a story about an old man who has lost all hope in life, all because of his misguided faith in a simple engine. However, with the help of his granddaughter, and the courage of a small town, he may be able to find that special magic to make his engine run once more. Academy Award nominee Peter Fonda, Academy Award nominee Alec Baldwin, Most Adorable Smile Award Mara Wilson—really? That annoying "Mrs. Doubtfire" kid? Um, okay... and making his film debut, Thomas the Tank Engine—okay, whose joke is this? Come on, come on, where's the real summary? Come on, I mean, there is no way Thomas the Tank Engine is in a Peter Fonda and Alec Baldwin movie. [Someone whispers to the Critic off-screen] Oh, oh, see? I'm right. [Listens to them] Peter Fonda and Alec Baldwin... are in a Thomas the Tank Engine movie? [Beat] WHAA—? [Gets cut off by the opening title screen] Trust me, most of America was as shocked as you are. What the hell are these two big dramatic actors doing in something as brainless as Thomas the Tank Engine? I mean, it's not that it's a kid's film. Hell, a Disney movie or a Pixar movie or something of substance would make more sense, but... it's Thomas the fucking Tank Engine! The show that PBS puts on when Clifford the dog gets too intimidating! But, does it all come together? [beat] IT'S THOMAS THE FUCKING TA— Let's take a look.

Nostalgia Critic: THE MOUTHS DON'T MOVE! It's just fucking creepy! I mean, I understand on the show 'cause it looks like they have a budget that makes Gumby look like Studio Ghibli, but come on, you got Peter Fonda in this! You don't want Peter Fonda to think you're this goddamn lazy, do you?! You got enough facial expressions in your library, but you can't come up with one motor to go inside the characters' lips to make it move up and down?! Come on, I can do better! Watch!

[The scene is replayed with NC's lips imposed over the live action models using Synchro-Vox]

Thomas: Say, Gordon, I was just wondering why we live in a town called Sodor. Is that a retirement home for Lord of the Rings villains?

Gordon: I'm just trying to put together how we procreate. I mean, do trains have sperm?

Thomas: Goodness gracious me.

Nostalgia Critic: So we're introduced to a place called Shining Time, where the humans are just as lifeless as the trains. They even have their own obnoxiously fat, profanity-laced Tinker Bell, played by Alec Baldwin, who's going to sing to us about the town!

Mr. Conductor: [singing] This is your Shining Time, / Climbing through stars to your own cloud night...

Nostalgia Critic: [singing] Here's a generic song; / It sounds like hundreds of other songs. / Things are always nice in this song; / That's why no one remembers it. / Generic song, generic song. / Some jackass wrote this in his sleep. / Generic song, generic song. / It shuts up your kids, so you can't complain.

Mr. Conductor: Sparkle, sparkle, sparkle! [He blows his whistle and disappears]

Nostalgia Critic: I know, you're thinking to yourself "How could any successful actor bring himself to star in a movie that requires him to say the line "Sparkle, sparkle, sparkle!"?" Well, I think you underestimate the power of those words. I think Baldwin saw the possibilities of that line, the magic it possesses, and the ability to touch an entire generation. Don't act like these words haven't had a HUGE impact on your life!

[He gets up and opens the front door, where he sees a neighbour]

Nostalgia Critic: Hey, sparkle, sparkle, sparkle!

Neighbour: Fuck yeah, sparkle, sparkle, sparkle!

[They both laugh]

Burnett: No, you won't, because the magic you refused to believe in... will get the better of you.

Nostalgia Critic: You know what? Go back to being depressed. I think I like you better that way. But they come across an unstable bridge, where Diesel meets his end.

Diesel 10: Ah, oh! Ooh, what's going on?! Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold it! Aah! [falls off bridge]

Nostalgia Critic: Prepare to meet Amtrak...in hell!

The Top 11 Nostalgia Critic F*** Ups Part 3

[After acknowledging that the floor in "Peewee's Playhouse" did in fact talk]

Nostalgia Critic: Now because of this, a lot of people have been accusing me of being an anti-ground-ite. Well let me tell you something, I have nothing against hard-working floors! Sure, they're taken for granted, sure, we walk over them all the time, but that doesn't mean they don't have feelings, too. Many of my good friends are floors! In fact, I have a good relationship with my floor here. [Gestures to it] Isn't that right, Howard? [A gunshot is fired and the Critic ducks to avoid it] Apparently floors can fire guns. [Beat] I-I did not know that. [Looks back down at his floor] How're you holding that thing, anywa— [He ducks to avoid another gunshot]

[After acknowledging how bad his Let's Play of "Bart's Nightmare" was]

Nostalgia Critic: But really guys, don't worry. I know you're gonna love my Let's Play of "Luigi's Mansion"! [Ducks to avoid several gunshots] ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT! NEVER AGAIN!

Richie Rich

Richie: How much stock do I own?

Cadbury: Fifty-one percent of the voting stock.

Van Dough: Yes, but you are not of legal age to exercise your voting right.

Cadbury: I stand in loco parentis and guardian ad litem to Master Richie. And accordingly, I give him full proxy power and authority.

Nostalgia Critic: [Imitating Cadbury] Like a motherfucking boss, sir.

[Right after Professor Keenbean takes a huge bite out of something from a refrigerator]

Professor Keenbean: [With a mouth full of food] My inventions!

Nostalgia Critic: [Utterly confused] What? [The line is repeated] Mayan vengeance? [The line is repeated] Mighty pensions? [The line is repeated] Ma's infections? [The line is repeated] Marty's steakhouse? [The line is repeated] CHEW!

Van Dough: Shit.

Nostalgia Critic: Well, there's your PG rating, folks. Aren't you glad all you parents in the audience had to be dragged to this flick just for that?

Jungle 2 Jungle

[Mimi-Siku meets the film's love interest for the first time]

Mimi-Siku: Angel on table.

Nostalgia Critic: And now we come to the public service announcement part of our show. This is for all you aspiring writers out there. For everybody out there who's looking to get something published in Hollywood... don't ever use the word "angel" in your screenplay. [Beat] Ever. Remember how well it worked in the first "Spider-man" movie? [Cuts to a clip from that film]

Aunt May: You grabbed me and said "Aunt May! Aunt May! Is that an angel?"

Nostalgia Critic: That was heinous. How about when that little "Star Wars" pimple said it? [Cuts to a clip from "The Phantom Menace"]

Anakin: Are you an angel?

Nostalgia Critic: Any movie even starring an angel seems to be geared for pig shit failure. So please do yourself a favor and act like you've never heard of them. [Beat] Unless you're doing a parody of "It's a Wonderful Life". That's okay.

Nostalgia Critic: Oh, and we can add sex offender to that lineup, too.

[Mimi peeks under the bed sheet until Charlotte wakes up and screams]

Mimi-Siku: Nice pushibushi.

Charlotte: That is the last pushibushi you're gonna see around here, you little savage!

Nostalgia Critic: Ah, yes, this is yet another classic Disney phrase that'll make it in the Disney archives. "Hakuna Matata" means "No worries," "Zip-A-Dee-Doo-Dah" means "What a Wonderful Day," and "pushibushi" means "Vagina." I can see that on children's shirts in a millisecond.

Old vs. New - Manhunter vs. Red Dragon

Nostalgia Critic: I'm the Nostalgia Critic, [Imitates Hannibal Lecter for the following famous line] and if you'll excuse me, I'm going to eat some liver with some fava beans and a nice Chianti. [Slurps his tongue like Lecter as he exits the room, sits down and dials his phone] Hello, take-out? Yes, I would like to order your finest duck liver, please. [Pause] Oh yes yes, oh sides? Yes, uh, I would like a, um, side of fava beans, that would be lovely, yes. [The review's credits start rolling] Something to drink? [Pauses] Let's do a Chianti, that'd be wonderful. [Pauses] What kind? A nice one, that'd be great. [Pulls his phone back to take a look at it] Something seems to be wrong with this pho— [Screams as Casper flies out of the phone from an older review and attacks him]

Star Chaser

[Nostalgia Critic peeks out to the camera and goes to his chair as if hiding from someone]

Nostalgia Critic: [whispering] Hello i'm the Nostalgia Critic I remember it so you don't have too. Sorry about all this it's just i'm really concerned because i heard "you know who" might be in town... [lightning strikes and Bennet the Sage in a blackhood appears while music from Night on Bald Mountain is playing] aahh Sage!

Bennett the Sage/Devil: Yes...Me.

Nostalgia Critic: [terrified] You're looking good....you've been working out or somthin? [Sage just staring at Critic menacingly] New haircut, new wardrobe, penis enhancement?...

Bennett the Sage/Devil: Silence!

Nostalgia Critic: [startled] aahh! What do you want with me mentaly demented one?

Bennett the Sage/Devil: My day of reckoning Critc, [removes hood] my day that has been coming for nearly four years.

Nostalgia Critic: [still terrified] Reckoning?

Bennett the Sage/Devil: That little cameo of mine in your Care Bears review can only sait me for so long Critic. A full and proper crossover...is inevedable.

Nostalgia Critic: You mean yo...you wanna do a review? [Sage nods] [Critic more terrified] well i guess its fine with me i'll just schedule the next five years...

Bennett the Sage/Devil: Now Critic!

Nostalgia Critic: AAHH! No offence Sage but anything having to do with you scares the shit out of me. I mean you don't review things that are well...YOU are not well.

Bennett the Sage/Devil: It took me a while Crtic, but i've finally found the perfect movie for us to rewiew.

NostalgiaCritic: Oh no i've seen what you review, you're not going to make me review cops with grenades tied to their pubes or something.

Bennett the Sage/Devil: Critc have a little more faith in me than that. [Critc is relieved] if I showed you some of my [pause] personal collection, it'd probably kill you, if you die than I have no one to play with. So I bring you...this. [brings up the DVD]

[After Orin first meets Dag]

Dagg: You've got exactly ten seconds to tell me what you're doin' in this swamp.

Bennett the Sage/Devil: [Waving] Oh hi, Han Solo!

Nostalgia Critic: Han? What're you talkin' abou— [Pauses, then shifts to a thickly sarcastic tone] Oh, wait a minute! A young kid on a distant, backwater world finds a magic sword and, under the instruction of a wise old man, finds a rogue smuggler to help him defeat a dark overlord! THIS IS STAR WA—wait, is that guy a smuggler?

Bennett the Sage/Devil: Yeah, he's a smuggler.

Nostalgia Critic: THIS IS STAR WARS!

[Orin and Dagg retreat back to his ship, where they're greeted by its on-board computer]

Arthur: I wish you'd stop calling me your computer, Dagg -- it's so impersonal. After all, your body's just a machine made of flesh and blood. How would you like it if I went around calling you Meat Brain?

Bennett the Sage/Devil: [Waving] Oh hi, C-3PO!

Nostalgia Critic: Well wait a minute, it's not even a robot.

Bennett the Sage/Devil: Okay, so what do you call an A.I. that speaks in a prissy, whiny, effeminate voice and is largely used for comic relie—

Nostalgia Critic: [Rubbing his forehead] Son of a bitch it is C-3PO.

[Orin gets his sword back while still confined to his prison cell]

Orin: Guard! I have something for you!

Robot Guard: [With the Critic's dubbed monotone voice] Oh boy oh boy, I hope it is candy. [Orin stabs him through the cell door] That is not candy.

[Dagg finishes probing a fembot's circuits in her butt.]

Dagg: That should do it.

[Dagg pulls tape off her mouth, and slow porno music plays in the background as she comes up seductively]

Fembot: [seductively] Hi.

Dagg: That's more like it!

[NC looks in disgust and his jaw drops]

Fembot: Did anyone ever tell you you're awfully cute for a meat body?

Nostalgia Critic: Well, that steals it. We went from "Star Wars" to "Star Whores" in a matter of seconds!

Bennett the Sage/Devil: Though, one thing we can learn from all this is that the way to a woman's heart, is through her ass!

Nostalgia Critic: Where the hell did this scene come from?! Who thought it was a bright idea to have Dagg probe a fembot's butt?! A "fembutt" if you will! Didn't anyone ever think that their will be a children's audience that will most likely see this? Probably, because there's only one who'd find this remotely funny! No wonder they ripped off "Star Wars!" Their original ideas were just was--[shivers and exclaims in disgust]

Transformers Cartoon

[The review begins with the Critic in an Optimus Prime costume walking around at a convention while also narrating]

Narrator: Last time on "Transformers", Optimus Prime sold his soul to the Devil -- better known to humanity as Michael Bay -- in exchange for three hit movies, a shitload of cash and a new-found popularity in the public eye. But little did he know that the movies would only get worse and worse, leading his audience to an ungodly amount of boredom and stupidity. Still popular and still rich, Prime finds himself hanging on to little dignity and street cred. To make things worse, Bay has lost his connection with the geek community due to rumored changes to the "Ninja Turtles" franchise. So Prime has been sent out to rebuild the hype for "Transformers 4: Explosion of the Boobs". He has been sent to Anime St. Louis with his agent to recruit extras for his next movie. Huhhhh...

Nostalgia Critic/Optimus Prime: [On a stage addressing a crowd of attendees] Greetings, humanity. I am Optimus Prime. Who wants to see explosions? [The convention attendees he's addressing all cheer wildly] Who wants to see giant robots? [The attendees cheer again] Who wants to see racial stereotypes exploited to an embarrassing degree? [The attendees cheer again] Who wants to see hot ladies insultingly objectified with no identifiable intelligence or personality? [The attendees cheer again] Really? Even the women cheered that one? Well, who wants to see Shia LaBeouf? [A lone attendee starts to cheer, but quickly realizes he is alone in doing so] Alright, alright, there's some hope for you yet.

[Optimus is speaking to his agent (actually Brad Jones, a.k.a. the Cinema Snob) in a hotel room]

Nostalgia Critic/Optimus Prime: Christ, Jerry, did ya see the look on their faces when I mentioned the movie? All that misguided optimism, it's like telling a blind kid they're gonna pet a bunny when really it's a porcupine.

Jerry: Look, the product sells and you're still popular.

Nostalgia Critic/Optimus Prime: So is "Jersey Shore"...

Jerry: Your last film grossed $1,123,000,000 worldwide.

Nostalgia Critic/Optimus Prime: But at what cost, Jerry? At what cost?

Jerry: I told ya: $1,123,000,000 worldwide. Now get some sleep, we got more auditions to get through. I'm gonna go do coke off a prostitute who's also doin' coke in a hot tub.

Nostalgia Critic/Optimus Prime: That's not physically possible.

Jerry: I'll find a way.

[As the Autobots take roll call before heading out on a mission]

Nostalgia Critic/Optimus Prime: Little-known fact, here are some of the other kick-ass names that were not used for other Transformers: [The following are also listed onscreen] Cold-Iron, Metal-Stab, Violent-Speed, Dick-Thrust, Nut-Jab, Jesus-Punch, Bill and Tit-Tackler. [Beat] I'm particularly sad that one didn't make it in.

Nostalgia Critic/Optimus Prime: You know, it just hit me: am I the only one who realizes that Soundwave does all the work? And yet, we know so little about him. I mean, doesn't someone with that intelligence and passion have any dreams?

Megatron: [With the Critic's dubbed voice] Soundwave, ready the army!

Soundwave: [With the Critic's dubbed monotone voice] No. I am tired of doing all the work and having no personality. I want a story arc, something that gives me depth. I want a romance. Yes, a romantic comedy. Perhaps a relationship with a toaster. The toaster could be stuck up and high-class. I will be quirky and getting in to all sorts of antics. At first she doesn't like me, but then she admires my silly charm. We get to know each other better, but then she discovers I was keeping a secret the whole time. I try to explain I held this secret because I love her, but she is too emotional and filled with hate. So she decides to marry this snob, a real uptight guy with no funny lines. She is about to be wed at the altar, but then I come stumbling in after going through some sort of comedic chase. I plead myself to her, and at first it looks like she's not buying it. But then her eyes tear up, she turns around, gives me a hug, the snobby groom is angry. But then my comedic sidekick comes in and punches him. The crowd cheers. I tell the toaster I love her. She says she loves me. We decide to get married, but we do not show it onscreen because two weddings would just be repetitive. So we end with kind of an open ending, something like we're driving a convertible into the sunset or something. This leaves it open for a sequel. I want to be played by Zac Efron, and Natalie Portman as the toaster. There is a bit of an age difference, but I think she looks young enough she can pull it off. Disney has shown interest. Garry Marshall is attached to direct. It will be called "Soundwaves of the Heart". It will be rated PG-13 for crude humor and adult situations, but nothing too bad. Just enough to let the male demographic know that it's edgy and will have some gross-out humor for them, and the female demographic will instantly be drawn to the toaster. They will be able to imagine themselves inserted into the role. It will be released in summer, preferably over a holiday weekend. It will break records, win awards, it will be the sleeper hit of the year.

Megatron: [Still with the Critic's dubbed voice] NO!

Soundwave: [Still with the Critic's dubbed monotone voice] Damn it.

A Simple Wish

Nostalgia Critic: I'm sorry, I'm just not a fan of her movies! It's like everything Mara Wilson touched back then just turned to crap! I mean look at her, with her couch, [the actual Mara Wilson appears] her modern day haircut, her 25-ish year old body, her vengeful eyes that seem to be starting directly at me right now. [recoils in fear]
Mara Wilson: Hello, Critic.

Nostalgia Critic: [surprised beyond belief] Mara Wilson?!

Mara Wilson: I heard you've been saying some pretty nasty things about me.

Nostalgia Critic: Oh, hey, forget it, missy. You knew what you were doing back then as a kid! If you didn't want people like me making fun of your work, you wouldn't have chosen so many crappy movies. I don't care how old you were!

Mara Wilson: So you think that kids should be held accountable for what they film, no matter what their age?

Nostalgia Critic: Damn right, sister!

Mara Wilson: I came across some interesting videos from a little town called Bothell, Washington.

Nostalgia Critic: [apprehensively] Bothell, Washington?

Mara Wilson: Yes, of a certain Internet critic who made movies when he was a young lad.

Nostalgia Critic: You're bluffing. You don't really have those videos.

Mara Wilson: Roll the film.

[the viewer is shown several videos of Doug Walker's childhood, complete with large glasses, zits and braces, which the Critic finds to be quite embarrassing]

Mara Wilson: Ah, isn't it wonderful?

Nostalgia Critic: Oh my god, I thought I had these burned!

Mara Wilson: [showing several embarrassing videos of Doug's childhood] Just look at those performances. So restricted. So reserved. Truly the epitome of subtlety.

Nostalgia Critic: [struggling to contain his anger] Shut up.

Mara Wilson: And just look at those glasses. Only a true master of character would wear something so hideously embarrassing. You're a regular Daniel Day-Lewis.

Nostalgia Critic: Shut up!

Mara Wilson: And how brave of you to go with those braces. Tell me, was it meant to look like your teeth were eating over them?

Nostalgia Critic: SHUT UP!

Mara Wilson: The acne's a nice touch, too. I bet you purposely never showered just to get that effect.

Nostalgia Critic: It was Seattle during the grunge era; none of us did!

Mara Wilson: [after showing embarrassing videos from Doug's childhood] Well, so long, Critic. Now that people have seen the choices you made as a child, I'm sure they'll be just as accepting as you were of mine.

Nostalgia Critic: [striking a vengeful pose and pointing his finger up] MARA WILSONNNNNN!

Mara Wilson: [begins evil laugh]

[On screen appears the text: DON'T FUCK WITH MARA WILSON]

Alien Resurrection

[After Christie sacrifices himself to save the rest of the group]

Nostalgia Critic: Let us have a moment of silence for that black guy. [Takes off his hat and bows his head before switching to another character]

Nostalgia Critic/Other Guy: You know, I don't think that fall would've killed him—

Nostalgia Critic: Nah, he's dead.

Nostalgia Critic/Other Guy: [Beat] There's no other aliens down there to get him—

Nostalgia Critic: No no, he's dead.

Nostalgia Critic/Other Guy: [Beat] He could easily just swim out of there any chance he wanted—

Nostalgia Critic: Why can't you just accept the INCREDIBLY RARE FACT that a black guy has died in a horror film?!

Nostalgia Critic/Other Guy: [Beat] Even all the facehuggers were destroyed—

Nostalgia Critic: You racist?!

Nostalgia Critic/Other Guy: How does that even—?! [Gives up] Sure.

Jack

Nostalgia Critic: God damn it, Robin Williams! Why do ya keep showing up here? Don't you know I'm running out of jokes? I mean, how many times can I say the same thing? You look like you're searching for an Oscar. We know you can act, so why don't you pick movies that let you? Your improvs are funny, but not needed in every single movie you do. And what's this? A movie where he plays a ten year-old trapped in a man's body? Ugh sheesh, I'm runnin' out of stuff, guys! I mean, what can I say about a bad Robin Williams movie that I can't say about all the other bad Robin Williams movies? I mean, who am I supposed to make fun of? The director? [A picture of Francis Ford Coppola appears with an accompanying "Ding!" noise] Hello, new target practice!

[Actress Fran Drescher appears as one of the other students' mother]

Nostalgia Critic: As usual, Fran Drescher's voice sounds like a series of barn animals having asthma while smoking a box of menthols.

[Jack excitedly interrupts a photo shoot his father is running that features three female models sitting on giant carrots]

Nostalgia Critic: What the hell does this guy do for a living?! You'd think somehow this occupation would've worked its way earlier into the film?

Jack: I got to play basketball today! They picked me!

Brian: 'Kay, slow down, buddy. Slow down.

Jack: Louie has dirty magazines under his bed. What are dirty magazines? [His mother smiles over her shoulder at him]

Nostalgia Critic: Really? She's smi—She's smiling at the fact that he wants dirty magazines? Oh, who am I kidding? The father's probably shooting a dirty magazine right now! It's probably for a section called "The Farmer in Adele."

Jack: Miss Marquez ate one of my red gummy bears. She said "Way to go!" Ya know, but not because of the red gummy bears, because of the way I play basketball...

Nostalgia Critic: [as Brian] Listen son, I'd love to talk, but I've got sluts on a carrot. Whores on vegetables. This opportunity may -- strike that -- will not come again. I gotta be selfish sometimes, I'm sorry.

Karen: We're gonna go back to the way things were before you stared school.

Jack: [shocked) What?

Karen: It'll be alright! Remember all the fun we had?

Jack: No! No, no!

Nostalgia Critic Dude, you're being offered not to go to school! Take advantage of this!

Heavy Metal (with Diamanda Hagan)

[The review opens with the Critic reading a "Boondocks" compilation while eating a donut in his chair]

Nostalgia Critic: A-ha! He's so black! [Pushes a button] Secretary, what's my schedule like today?

Chester A. Bum: Ah, well Critic, you have a, uh, five o'clock manicure, a three o'clock threatening of a micronation in Wyoming, a two o'clock meeting with Todd in The Shadows to get both of your eyebrows waxed...

Nostalgia Critic: Yeah, his eyebrows are looking a little weird.

Chester A. Bum: ...and a one o'clock crossover with Diamanda Hagan.

Nostalgia Critic: A who?

Chester A. Bum: Uh, she is one of the reviewers for the site.

Nostalgia Critic: But I was told I was getting JesuOtaku this weekend.

Chester A. Bum: [Visibly agitated] No, you weren't.

Nostalgia Critic: Alright, I know the drill. [Puts down his book and donut to address the camera] I act like I'm all angry that they interrupt my review, we go back and forth and then we do the crossover. It's like clockwork. Anyway, if it's one of the women on the site, I'm sure I'm in for a nice-lookin' piece of— [Diamanda appears] F-F-F-F-FUCK! Good God! Oh sweet Jesus don't hurt me!

Diamanda Hagan: What?

Nostalgia Critic: Please, Mr. Joker, I'll do whatever you want! Just don't harm me!

Diamanda Hagan: Critic, it's me. Diamanda.

Nostalgia Critic: [Beat] Oh my God, we're hiring people like you now? You look like The Crow if he was in Candyland.

Diamanda Hagan: Well "hired," given the job under threats at gunpoint -- either way, I'm here.

Nostalgia Critic: Dare I ask what kind of stuff you review?

Diamanda Hagan: Anything really, as long as it inflicts a butt-load of pain. Or a pain-load of butts.

Nostalgia Critic: You have a movie with one of these, oh Scary One?

Diamanda Hagan: I have a movie with both! [The title screen appears] based on the popular magazine of the same name, Heavy Metal combines science-fiction stories and raunchy tales to create a cult masterpeice of cheesedom.

Nostalgia Critic: Why does it have a cult following?

Diamanda Hagan: Some say it's for the writing, some say it's for the incredibly unique imagination and creativity for the designs, but most say it's for the boobies, lots and lots of boobies! So, ready to journey into a world of perverted delight? [Nostalgia Critic still looks terrified] Oh get over it!

Nostalgia Critic: I'm sorry you look like what i saw if i say Bloody Mary three times.

Diamanda Hagan: We open in a starfield in space.

Nostalgia Critic: As opposed to a starfield somwhere else?

Diamanda Hagan: Blow me!

Nostalgia Critic: We hear a mysterious voice explaining the all generic evil of the all generic universe. Tell me if u haven't heard this dialouge a million times in other movies.

Mysterious Voice: A shadow shall fall over the universe, an evil will grow in its path, and death will come from the skies.

Nostalgia Critic: [as the voice] A...badness that will darken the light and shadow up...the...evily dark.......EPIC!

Mr. Magoo

Nostalgia Critic: Remember when I said I didn't like the "Flintstones" cartoon? [He quickly steps out of the way to avoid being squashed by an anvil dropped on to his chair] Obviously you do. Well, there's another classic old cartoon that I also find I really can't stand: Mr. Magoo. [A much smaller anvil falls and hits his head, failing to even make him flinch] Obviously not as big a backlash.

Stupak: It's Luanne LeSeur. The Black Widow. She kills all of her male accomplices, nobody's been able to finger her.

Nostalgia Critic: What a shame. They die before they finger her?

Nostalgia Critic: They get the jewel back, the nephew and the stereotype get together, we cut back to the shitty cartoon this was based off of and - get a load of this - we get a disclaimer at the end saying that the film was never meant to insult anyone with poor eyesight. First of all, if you're going to apologize to anyone, apologize to the audience who now have to cut their dicks off in order to feel something. Second, if you're going to say something to the visually impaired, don't write it in tiny lettering THAT THEY PROBABLY CAN'T READ!

Top 11 The Simpsons Episodes

Nostalgia Critic: There is no doubt about it: "The Simpsons" has defined a generation of humor. It was slick, it was clever, it was satirical, it had unforgettable characters, and it left its mark forever on television history. Clearly it was ahead of its time, and taken off the air far too early. And, if it was still on air today, I'm sure it would continue to inspire and challenge all of the masses out there— [Cut to a picture celebrating the show's twenty-third season] God damn it, it's still on?! Yes, like most people, I really wish "The Simpsons" would just up and die so we can talk about what a great impact it had on comedy as opposed to asking why the hell they're beating a dead horse with another dead horse. But, either way, we still end up saying the exact same thing: wasn't "The Simpsons" funny? And the answer is "yes," yes it was. Despite the fact that they've more than overstayed their welcome, we still can't forget what an entertaining, quotable and hilarious impact the show has had on us. It's one of the most influential shows in that it helped form so many people's sense of humor. So many of us today get our delivery, our writing, our performing, and just our straight up sense of comedy from the genius that was "The Simpsons." But again I must ask: which ones had the biggest impact? Which ones were the most memorable, meaningful, or just downright funny? Well, let's travel back to Springfield... El-le-co-chusetts -- this is the Top 11 Best "Simpsons" episodes!

Nostalgia Critic: Now before I get to number one, I wanna point out that this is all opinion-based—

Off-screen Audience Member: We're gonna hate it, aren't we?

Nostalgia Critic: [Pauses before continuing] Everyone has their own different take on things and—

Off-screen Audience Member: It's a real bad one, isn't it?

Nostalgia Critic: [Pauses before continuing] What you might like I might not, what I may like you may not enjoy—

Off-screen Audience Member: Hate it already.

Nostalgia Critic: Oh just show it!

Signs

Graham Hess: Oh, that was quick, Caroline. I only called you folks two hours ago.

Officer Paski: Old Mrs. Kindelman twisted her ankle -- as she puts it -- diving for her life when a bunch of school kids rode down the sidewalk on skateboards. She went down to Thornton's store this mornin' and started spittin' on the new skateboards. Spittin'! By the time I got there, Mrs. Kindelman had sprayed the whole damn place!

Nostalgia Critic: [Impersonating the officer's folksy delivery] Forgive me. What I'm doin' is called "Tarantino-ing", where ya talk about something that has nothin' to do with the rest of the story, but is kinda funny and a little quirky. It was very avant-garde in its day and used to develop some strong character traits, but now it's just used as a cheap gimmick for pretentious screenwriters to draw a ton of attention to their writing style as opposed to serving the plot. By the way, I'm mostly pointless in this. I don't even draw my gun in this movie. Aliens attacking and I never draw my gun -- that is ass-shit.

Nostalgia Critic: So the family decides to hold down the fort -- you know, stay in the area where they absolutely know the aliens are -- and try to defend themselves.

Graham Hess: We're going to board up every window in this house.

Merrill Hess: How do we know boards will do anything?

Graham Hess: Because they seem to have trouble with pantry doors. [The Critic is seen with his hand to his forehead]

Nostalgia Critic: Really, Shyamalan? Did you read that line? Out loud? Did...did you ever read that line out loud? You couldn't have. You...you clearly couldn't have. I mean, you just stated that these technologically advanced aliens, these creatures that we're supposed to be afraid of, can NOT get through pantry doors. They can build space craft that can jump millions of miles across space, but... [The "pantry door" line is played again] They can take these exact same spacecrafts and turn them invisible, so that nobody else can find them, years above our technology, but... [The line is repeated] They're gonna take over our planet, but... [The line is repeated] They're going to wipe out ALL OF MANKIND, BUT... [The line is repeated again, and the Critic is then seen out of his chair, biting at his hat, and spinning around madly before facing the camera] You CAN'T be this STUPID! You CAN'T! I mean, you literally just stated out loud why this movie can't WORK! I mean, what are you, a MORON?! I...I hate to borrow from a subpar comedy, but...take it, Scary Movie 3! [A clip from said movie is shown]

Tom Logan: They mastered space flight, but they can't get through a wooden door?

Nostalgia Critic: You see what you did there, movie?! You see what you did?! You just made Charlie Sheen right about something! You did that, movie! You did it! That's how bad you've gotten! This...advanced technologically, holy shitfuck race of aliens, stopped, come to a halt, by a fucking...pan...try......DOOR! [As the Critic screams this, accompanying text and background pictures flash rapidly. He then pauses for breath, then resumes screaming, stops, then resumes again before finally fainting onto his desk]

[The aliens begin their attack on the boarded up farmhouse, but with the Critic's own dubbed voices and subtitles for what they're (presumably) saying to each other]

Alien #1: Let's hope they don't know we came millions of light-years without bringing any weapons.

Alien #2: And who's [sic] fault is that?

Alien #1: Bite me, frog ass!

Alien #2: Oh calm down, it's not like they have a large supply of...

Both Aliens: WOOD!

Alien #2: God damn it!

Alien #1: Who would've thought a planet with so many trees would have wood?!?!

Alien #2: Fuck it, try the other entrance! They couldn't POSSIBLY have enough to block two...

Both Aliens: WOOD!

Alien #2: Fuck me! I can't believe we didn't prepare for this!

Alien #1: Hold on, I'm gonna try and run into it!

Alien #2: I don't think that's gonna work.

Alien #1: Stop judging my ideas. [Sounds of him running to the barricaded front door are heard]

Alien #2: No! No! No! No! No! [A crashing noise and sounds of pain are heard] Told you, dipshit.

Alien #1: Bite me, slug fucker.

Graham Hess: Do you know what happened when you were born, Morgan?

Alien #2: Dude, are you serious?

Graham Hess: You came out and your mama kept bleeding, so the doctors rushed you out of the room before I even had time to see you.

Alien #2: Stop ignoring us!

Merrill Hess: They're on the roof.

Alien #2: No shit, Commodus!

Graham Hess: While they were fixin' her up, all she kept asking about was you...

Alien #2: Look out... [A crashing noise is heard] DAMN IT!

Merrill Hess: They're in the house.

Graham Hess: I wanted your mama to see you first... because she had dreamed about you her whole life...

Alien #2: We are SO gonna kill you for monologueing over our attack!

Graham Hess: ...and she got feelin' better, they brought you in, and they placed you in her arms, and she looked at you...

Alien #1: We're dangerous, we swear.

Graham Hess: ...and you looked at her, and you just stared at each other for the longest time...

Alien #2: They're still going!

Graham Hess: ...and then she said real soft "Hello, Morgan. I'm your mama."

Alien #1: Are we really so non-threatening?

Graham Hess: You looked just how I dreamed.

Alien #2: That's it, you're all getting anal probed!

Digimon the Movie (with JesuOtaku)

[The Critic is dismayed to see the movie start off with a completely unrelated cartoon (Angela Anaconda) which Fox Kids was also airing at the time]

Nostalgia Critic: My God, it's still going!

JesuOtaku: Yep, goes on for four minutes. Ya know, at least the Pokémon movie didn't start with the Biker Mice from Mars motoring in to watch it on the big screen.

Nostalgia Critic: What's next? SpongeBob racing in to watch The Last Airbender? [Cut to a theater playing that movie where the tops of the heads of Patrick, SpongeBob and Sandy are all visible in the foreground]

Nostalgia Critic: [Imitating SpongeBob's voice] Boy, Shyamalan needs to throw in the towel...

JesuOtaku: [Imitating Sandy's voice] I thought there were blue cats in this...?

Nostalgia Critic: [When Tai makes a creepy face] Um, never make that face again. It's like the face a pedophile makes when he hears they're renewing "Toddlers & Tiaras." Eew! Cut away from that!

[Angemon and Angewomon have digivolved into Seraphimon and Magnadramon respectively]

JesuOtaku: EEE!

Nostalgia Critic: What the hell?!

JesuOtaku: I'm sorry! I squee'd!

Nostalgia Critic: You squee'd. For something in this movie.

JesuOtaku: No, no, no, no, it's just- Okay, Patamon and Gatomon never achieved Mega level in the show before, and it's so rare to see, and they just look so cool, and- EEE!

Nostalgia Critic: Cool?! It's a Burger King Kids' Club chess piece and a My Little Pony version of Falcor!

JesuOtaku: Seraphimon, carry me away in your big man-angel arms! I wanna hug it!

Nostalgia Critic: You need digi-medication.

Nostalgia Critic: [upon seeing Koromon latch itself onto Tai's face] Uhhh, I wouldn't find that face-hugging too cute. The last person that happened to didn't turn out so well. [cut to the Chestburster scene from Alien, featuring DemiVeemon superimposed onto the Chestburster's face]

Top 11 F*** YEAH Movie Themes

[On the theme from the "Mortal Kombat" movie and its uncanny ability to make one want to hit things]

Nostalgia Critic: Not only that, it can make the stupidest and most ridiculous of scenarios suddenly seem unbelievable. [Cut to the Critic begrudgingly reading a passage from what turns out to be "Fifty Shades of Grey" out loud] "Christian squirts baby oil into his hand and then rubs my behind with careful tenderness"...? [He hears the signature cry of "Mortal Kombat!" with music and reads the next sentence with new gusto] "...FROM MAKE-UP REMOVER TO SOOTHING BALM FOR A SPANKED ASS, WHO WOULD'VE THOUGHT IT WAS SUCH A VERSATILE LIQUID?!" AAH!

Baby Geniuses 2

[at a hotel somewhere at ConnectiCon]

Nostalgia Critic: Well, it happened again. I saw a film that was so horrible that it completely knocked the senses out of me. Only this time... [laying down on bed] it left me in a comatose state. Whenever will I learn?

[two nobodies look directly at him]

Brentalfloss: What do you think, Uncle Yo?

Uncle Yo: I don't know, Brentalfloss. Why would we bother using our names with each other if we already know each other?

Nostalgia Critic: [whispers] No, you stupid dumbasses! It's to introduce who you are.

Brentalfloss: Why? We were both in your reviews.

Nostalgia Critic: It's in case people forgot.

Brentalfloss: Forgot? What're ya talking about? [continues talking]

Uncle Yo: Oh, that is beyond—no! We did a "Ponyo" review!

Nostalgia Critic: Just shut up! SHUT UP, SHUT UP! [beat] Try it again.

Brentalfloss: Whatever.

[they go offscreen then come back on again]

Brentalfloss: What do you think... Uncle Yo?

Uncle Yo: I don't know... you. Have you ever seen the Nostalgia Critic like this?

Brentalfloss: Well, once, when he watched "Baby Geniuses."

Uncle Yo: ..My God, you don't think that... Get the laptop! [they bring the laptop]

Brentalfloss: Baby Geniuses 2 was downloaded on Netflix.

Uncle Yo: Damn fool!

Brentalfloss: Damn... damn fool!

Uncle Yo: He's got a panel in an hour! We gotta wake him up!

Brentalfloss: Yeah! Hey! Dude, c'mon, let's go! Wake up! Hello!

Uncle Yo: Hey, c'mon, Critic! Critic! Critic! Blehh-blarrgh!

Nostalgia Critic: I knew they were trying to help, but it was no use—for I had seen that which could not be unseen once it had been seen by unseen eyes. I had witnessed "Baby Geniuses 2."

[Taking a break from trying to revive the Critic, Brentalfloss and Uncle Yo are reading "Fifty Shades of Grey"]

Brentalfloss: You know who I see playing that role? Queen Latifah.

Uncle Yo: Yeah, I always imagined Angela Lansbury.

Brentalfloss: Look, we're getting off topic! [Puts the book away] Critic, look, give us a sign if you can hear us!

Uncle Yo: It's no use, dude, he's gone too far. I think in a situation like this, he would've wanted us to go through his wallet.

Brentalfloss: Wait wait wait, look, maybe he can communicate with us. Critic, if you can hear us, blink. [Cut to the Critic's comatose expression, then back to the other two, then back to the Critic, then back to the other two before he's finally seen blinking and the two celebrate]

Uncle Yo: Do you know what this calls for?

Brentalfloss: What's that?

Uncle Yo: More "Fifty Shades of Grey"!

Brentalfloss: Alright! [Uncle Yo picks the book back up and opens it to them both] Okay, done that. [Yo turns the next page] Done that. [Yo turns the next page] Done that. [Yo turns the next page] Wanna do that.

Uncle Yo: I have a Saint Bernard if you wanna borrow it...

Nostalgia Critic's Voice: While those two horny bastards read their "Twilight" porn, I continue to remember the horror of my viewing...

Kahuna: What happened back then wasn't my fault. You don't have to keep hating me.

Kane: You think I went through all this trouble because dad liked you best?!

[dramatic music plays as a clip of Arnold from Troll 2 screaming "Oh My God!" is played]

Nostalgia Critic: He was actually the older brother of Kahuna, AND...I'm not gonna lie, that's actually a pretty good twist. I'm not even kidding, I-I really didn't see that coming, and it makes total, logical sense. Well, for "Baby Geniuses 2!"

Nostalgia Critic: Goddamn it! Donald Duck was a better Nazi than you! [the Donald Duck cartoon Der Fuehrer's Face is shown]

Kane: I'm Bill Biscane, and if you touch my diapers, you're fired!

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom

Opening: 80s Doug was filmed in front of a live, Thugee sacrifice.

the clip shows 80s Dan, of Cinema Snob fame, and others watching "Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull":

80s Dan: Horrendous.

Dolly: Poppy shit.

80s Dan: Horrendous poppy shit.

Mr. Crabtree: Anus bubble.

Mrs. Crabtree: Cancer sore.

Mr. Crabtree: Vomit dick.

Dolly: Douche sucker.

80s Dan: Turd.

R.O.B. the Robot: Well, I for one, loved it!

[canned laughter]

Mr. Crabtree: Shut up, R.O.B.!

R.O.B.: You're a dick!

80s Dan: I can't believe they made another Indiana Jones movie!

Mrs. Crabtree: I can't believe, they made it so damn awful.

Mr. Crabtree: Years of waiting, and this is what they give us!?

Dolly: A human being cannot survive a nuclear blast in a fridge!

[incoherent arguing]

Mr. Crabtree: It's useless, anyway, the original trilogy is perfect!

Mrs. Crabtree: Yea, Raiders of the Lost Ark, Last Crusade...

Mr. Crabtree: And the best out of all of them... Temple of Doom!

[more incoherent arguing until the Critic appears]

Nostalgia Critic: I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I hate to interrupt via the green-screen effect. I don't even know where you guys are positioned; hopefully, you're looking in my direction, but I'm sorry, I can't let this fly!

80s Dan: What are you talking about, 80s Doug?

Nostalgia Critic: Temple of Doom SUCKS!

[still more incoherent arguing, while the Critic shows clips of "Temple of Doom"]

Nostalgia Critic: Yeah, I know people really hate Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, but why does Temple of Doom always get a free pass? It has some of the silliest scenarios, the stupidest lines, and the most obnoxious characters! So how come this one usually gets overlooked whenever talking about bad Indiana Jones flicks?

80s Dan: Because it's awesome!

Nostalgia Critic: It's not! It's terrible! And to prove it, I'm gonna go over it right now and show you just how frickin' silly this movie really is!

80s Dan: You're gonna find something silly in an Indiana Jones film? [scoffs] Good luck there, pal.

Nostalgia Critic: [looking smug] Let's begin.

[On Willie, the worst female lead of all Indiana Jones' female leads]

Nostalgia Critic: Well, maybe somewhere along the line, she'll do something of value- [She picks a cologne vial] Oh, God!

Willie: [Spilling cologne on the elephant she's riding, which complains] Oh, quit complaining, this is expensive stuff... [The Critic grunts annoyed] Oh, quiet down, you big bath tube, this doesn't hurt. You know what you really need? You really need a bath.

[The elephant takes water from a lake and spills it at Willie, making her fall at the lake]

Batman: This is why Superman works alone.

Nostalgia Critic: That's right, movie, you made me quote Batman & Robin! This character is SO horrible, that I was FORCED to use a Batman & Robin quote!

Willie: I was happy in Shanghai. My friends were rich, we went to parties all the time in limousines. I HATE being outside!

Yak: SHUT UP! I can't STAND it anymore!

Willie: I'm a singer! I could lose my voice!

Nostalgia Critic: That's it. I'm changing my Top 11 Dumbasses in Distress! I'm switching her out with Jubilee and putting Willie in the #5 spot! Yeah, Jubilee's fashion sense was much weirder, but you know what? She fucking tried!

[At the appearance of the film's villain, Mola Ram]

Nostalgia Critic: Oh no, it's the "Manos: Hands of Fate" guy! Hey, give some credit: that guy's phony-baloney nonsense is probably closer to a real religion than this one is.

[In response to the infamous heart-ripping sacrifice scene]

Nostalgia Critic: [Brief, stunned silence] JESUS CHRIST, MOVIE! I mean, I know the Indiana Jones movies can be crazy in their death scenes, but holy shit! This is like something a psycho would write! God, it's like how they fire journalists at Fox News...

Human Sacrifice: [Rapidly praying with the Critic's own "translation" onscreen below him] I'm sorry, I didn't mean to say Obama had a point! I won't tell Glen Beck to stop crying again. I swear I thought "Fair and Balanced" really WAS a joke.

[The movie begins, with the Paramount mountain morphing into a real mountain]

Nostalgia Critic: Well, at least to its credit, it does start off like an Indiana Jones movie. I mean, you got the mountains, the rough and gruff tone, the epic feel of adventure, the...

[A musical number begins featuring Willie Scott in front the gaping mouth of a dragon with female background performers performing with fans; there is also an additional scene of more dancers in sequined costumes doing a tap dance number]

Nostalgia Critic: [Confused] ...dancing Broadway singer, the line chorus, the... tap dancing number? Did I just pop in a copy of That's Entertainment! by mistake? What the hell is this? Would you ever guess this is an Indiana Jones movie just by the opening?

80s Dan: That's why it's so great! It plays with your expectations, and then it catches you off-guard.

Nostalgia Critic: But it has nothing to do with anything. I keep expecting the cast of Blazing Saddles to bust in!

The Wiz (with Todd in the Shadows)

Nostalgia Critic: It's just that, you know, you review music, and, you know, music's just not really my thing.

Todd in the Shadows: Well, I review movies, too, if they're terrible and they star a famous pop singer. And I have just the movie for us: Michael Jackson's magnum opus, Moonwalker.

Nostalgia Critic: Did it.

Todd in the Shadows: Cool As Ice.

Nostalgia Critic: Did it.

Todd in the Shadows: Glitter.

Nostalgia Critic: You did it.

Todd in the Shadows: Seriously? Man, I gotta start watching my own stuff.

Nostalgia Critic: Door's over there, Hamburglar.

Todd in the Shadows: No, wait! Wiz!

[pregnant pause]

Nostalgia Critic: You're a sick fuck with issues.

Todd in the Shadows: No, no, no. The movie The Wiz.

Nostalgia Critic: Well, you know the drill. She's being swept away toward the wonderful world of Oz. Wait a minute. This is Oz? Munchkinland is a lousy concrete playground?

Todd in the Shadows: Yeah, Oz looks kind of crappy. I mean, go back and look at the original. [Clips of Dorothy in the original movie in Munchkinland appear] She lands in Oz, the world turns colorful, and there's this amazing new place. [back to The Wiz] But this place looks like Gotham City in Shumacher's Batman movies. Hey, maybe that's where he got the artistic direction for those buildings.

Nostalgia Critic: What did we agree on?

Todd in the Shadows: [chastised] "No complementing Joel Schumacher while you're still alive".

[later]

Todd in the Shadows: I'm not sure how respectful it is to black audiences to make their version of Oz look like complete shit.

Nostalgia Critic: It's almost as if Schumacher doesn't do adaptations well.

[The film's rendition of "Ease on Down the Road" is finally shown]

Nostalgia Critic: Well, ya know, the scene in the original movie of Dorothy and her friends skipping down the Yellow Brick Road is just so iconic and amazing, but I've got this great idea about how to improve it: uh, why don't we film this scene three hundred feet away and point the camera at their FUCKING BACKS?! I don't need to see their FACES -- just their backs! That's right, no camera motion -- just hold it completely still.

Todd in the Shadows: In fact, what are we doing so close to this camera? [Gestures to their own camera being used for the review] Why don't we just move to that far corner? [The two of them face the entrance to their hotel room away from their camera] Now THIS is how you do a review!

Nostalgia Critic: Ya know what, actually? Let's see if we can get it even further away! [The screen showing the movie gets a little smaller and a little more distant from the viewer] Further! [It gets even smaller and more distant] Further! [It gets smaller and more distant still and switches to a clip from "Duck Amuck"]

Daffy Duck: A close-up, ya jerk! A CLOSE-UP!

[Dorothy and her friends come across a seedy club with attractive women all dressed in red, symbolizing the Oz poppy field.]

Todd in the Shadows: Whoa. I'll get you, my pretty.

Nostalgia Critic: There's no place like Hos.

Todd in the Shadows: Hookers and hotties and babes. [in unison with Nostalgia Critic] Oh, MY.

Todd in the Shadows: Well, that was The Wiz. It sucked.

Nostalgia Critic: It sucked.

Todd in the Shadows: It sucked.

Todd in the Shadows: This movie was a huge flop at the time, and I can see why. I know there's a lot of people who have fond memories of this movie, but honestly, I thought it was completely awful from beginning to end. They made a bunch of bullshit changes to the original story, and every single one of them is for the worst. Dorothy's awful, the direction's awful, and the story is bogged down by a bunch of draggy slow musical numbers.

Nostalgia Critic: I did like some of the songs, I guess, but for the most part, it just blew. It's lame, it's dated, it's butt-ugly, and it makes no goddamn sense. It fails to understand The Wizard of Oz so hard that it doesn't even get the moral right.

Todd in the Shadows: [offering his hand] Well, thanks for doing the review.

Nostalgia Critic: [shaking Todd's hand] Absolutely. Any time. Get out.

Todd in the Shadows: Oh. Ok.

[Todd in the Shadows gets up and leaves.]

Nostalgia Critic: [leans back on the couch and sighs] Well, maybe now I can get some rest and relax-friggin-ation.

[Linkara sits down next to Nostalgia Critic.]

Linkara: Hello, everybody, and welcome to another Linkara/Nostalgia Critic crossover, where we talk about the Swamp Thing movie.

{Upon seeing and hearing Linkara, Nostalgia Critic throws a punch at him. The screen immediately goes black right before the viewer hears a punching sound, indicating that Nostalgia Critic has belted Linkara.]

Total Recall (with That Sci-Fi Guy)

Nostalgia Critic: Fuckin' remakes. Yeah, sometimes you get a good one, but for the most part they're entirely pointless. So what if it doesn't always follow the original subject material? When a film is good, it's friggin' good. If it's not broke, don't break it. Once in a while, you get one that sort of leaps through the cracks, but for the most part, they're entirely shit. Why am I on the subject of remakes? Because I'm here to talk about "Total Recall" -- the original -- NOT the crappy-ass remake that I haven't seen, but I'm sure is crappy! [The Critic is startled to be interrupted by someone else]

Dr. Wiki: Actually, the original would be the short story "We Can Remember It for You Wholesale" by the famed sci-fi author Philip K. Dick. In this version—

Nostalgia Critic: Dr. Wiki, what're you doing here? You're not even on my show. [Cuts to another room]

That Sci-Fi Guy: Sorry, Critic. Ever since he went open-access, he kinda became self-aware.

Nostalgia Critic: [Sighs] Hi, Sci-Fi Guy.

That Sci-Fi Guy: I try to keep up with him, but... ya know... Internet. So, uh... what were you doin' that got his attention there?

Nostalgia Critic: Oh, just doing a review of "Total Reca—" [Stops himself] nothing.

That Sci-Fi Guy: Really? Because, uh, 90% of what he knows comes from sci-fi nerds. He may have detected something...

Nostalgia Critic: Nope, nope, just another Arnold Schwarzenegger movie. You wouldn't be interested.

That Sci-Fi Guy: You sure? Because Arnold sure was in a lotta sci-fi movies... wait, it's not January.

Nostalgia Critic: Dude, I stopped doing Schwarzenegger Month like a few years ago. And besides, I wouldn't do "Total Recall" in that—DAH! [The movie's title screen is shown]

[Actress Sharon Stone's name appears in the opening credits]

That Sci-Fi Guy: Sharon Stone, huh?

Nostalgia Critic: Opinion lowers.

[Next is Michael Ironside's name]

That Sci-Fi Guy: Michael Ironside!

Nostalgia Critic: Opinion rises!

[Then comes Ronny Cox's name]

That Sci-Fi Guy: Hey, Ronny Cox!

Nostalgia Critic: Yeah, I came down with a case of that -- penicillin knocked it right out.

Scooby Doo

Critic: [Visually Agitated] Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have - What the fuck am I doing? No, really, WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING? I'll tell ya what I'm doing - Scooby-Doo, the douche horse movie. Yeah, fuck it. This is what I think of the movie: it fucking sucks, THE END [end credits appear]. [appearing to get out of character] No, no, no, I wouldn't do that to you, but at the same time: is this it? Is this really life? No! This isn't life. This isn't even anything even representing life. But it's life for me. It's pretty pathetic, but it's all I got. I know what you're saying: "Wow, that's pretty sad." Well, yeah, it is fucking sad. I don't get to go out and hang with friends. I don't even have any friends. I have nobody to contribute anything to. I have nobody to talk to or bounce things off of. You know, say "Hey what you think of that. I'll tell you what I think of that." No, it's just me, bitching and moaning, like I always do. And some might be say that's a sad existence. Well, yeah, it is a pretty sad existence... [Picks up the Scooby-Doo DVD] JUST SITTING HERE TALKING ABOUT SCOOBY FUCKING DOO! [Throws down the DVD, hysterically] I MEAN FOR GOD'S SAKES, I'VE NEVER DONE ANYTHING, I'VE NEVER DONE ANYTHING TO MAKE SOMEONE'S LIFE BETTER OR GONE AND PLAY A GAME WITH SOMEBODY! I WOULD LOVE TO PLAY A GAME WITH SOMEBODY! WOULDN'T THAT BE GREAT? SOMEONE WOULD BE LIKE: WHAT ARE YOU PLAYING? PARCHESSI! I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK PEOPLE ARE PLAYING! BUT, YOU KNOW WHAT, IT'S BE NICE! IT'D BE NICE TO BE INVITED! I'VE NEVER EVEN GONE OUT TO A BAR WITH SOMEONE! HANG WITH SOME FRIENDS! I'VE NEVER GONE TO A STRIP CLUB! OK, I've gone to a couple of strip clubs, BUT I'VE NEVER GONE WITH ANYBODY! I'VE BEEN THERE AND BEEN LIKE, again, not with people. BUT STILL, IT'D BE NICE. IT'D BE NICE ONE DAY TO GO SOMEWHERE WHERE SOMEBODY'S JUST HAVING A GOOD TIME, AND SOMEBODY JUST SAYS OUT OF NOWHERE "HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT, THAT GUY WAS OK. NOT GREAT, BUT HE WAS OK!" INSTEAD OF "HEY, WHO WAS THAT LITTLE FUCKSHIT?!" WELL, I'LL TELL YOU WHO THAT FUCKSHIT IS: HE'S THE NOSTALGIA CRITIC! HE REMEMBERS IT SO YOU DON'T FUCKING HAVE TO! EVEN THOUGH EVERY FUCKING DAY HE EXISTS HE WISHES HE DIDN'T HAVE TO! HE WISHES HE DIDN'T HAVE TO DO THIS BULLSHIT TO MAKE YOU WATCH AND GET YOUR RATINGS! AND WHY DOES IT HAPPEN?! WHY DO YOU KEEP COMING BACK?! BECAUSE YOU'RE FUCKING SICK AND I'M FUCKING STUPID! THAT'S THE WAY IT IS! THAT'S THE WAY IT'S ALWAYS GONNA BE! THERE IS NO CHANGE! THERE IS NO FUTURE! THERE IS NO PAST! THE PRESENT IS A JOKE! EVERYTHING IS HELL! MY LIFE IS HELL! THIS IS THE WORST THING A HUMAN BEING COULD EVER GO THROUGH! [Screams at the top of his lungs, then puts his head down] So let's start. Uh, this is where I usually show a few clips from the trailer because I was too lazy to find any actual clips that are visually interesting for you, and I of course talk over it. I mean, what's the point in trying to change anything, right? I am where I am, nothing's going to make it any different. [Sighs] It's not like I can just go back in time and alert my young self of the hell that awaits him... [Suddenly, we cut to a younger version of the Critic with longer hair and acne in (what's presumably) his bedroom]

Young Critic: Alright,Scooby-Doo: The Movie! This is gonna be so clever and—DAAH!

Critic: DAAH! What the hell?!

Young Critic: Holy shit, it's like lookin' into the future!

Critic: Is that me from the past?

Young Critic: Oh hey, does the Internet ever become anything, or do we still just use it for porn? [Beat] It's porn, isn't it?

Critic: Wait a minute, this doesn't make any sense. How am I able to talk to my younger self?

Young Nostalgia Critic: I dunno. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I'm about to watch the AWESOME Scooby-Doo movie! It's great because I remember Scooby-Doo existed, and this movie remembers that Scooby-Doo existed! So it's really tapping into my childhood... what's the word I'm looking for?

Critic: Nostalgia?

Young Critic: Nah, that's not it.

[On a scene depicting a caper from the original TV show]

Young Critic: Oh come on, it's clearly a satire of the original show, and that automatically makes it funny. Show me a satire of something which isn't automatically...

[Present-day Nostalgia Critic shows him posters of Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer films]

Young Critic: [beat] I don't know what those are yet.

Fred in Daphne's body: I couldn't get to my body. I didn't know where else to go, I panicked! [Looks at Daphne's body] I can look at myself naked!

Old Critic: Uh, this movie was intended for children, right?

Roger: Goodbye, Critic. We had our laughs, but as we all know, all good things must come to an end.

Critic: We'll see, Roger! We'll see! Hey, Scooby-Doo, where are you? I'll tell you where! In HEEEELLLLLL!