The Nostalgia Critic/Season 2

NicktoonsEdit

Nostalgia Critic: [trying to describe Ren and Stimpy] It's honestly like talking to a kid on the ultimate of sugar highs.
Adult's Voice: Hey, kid! What do you want to see on TV?
Kid Critic: I don't know!
Adult's Voice: Have some candy! [throws over a bag, and the kid eats it all]
Kid Critic: [suddenly hyper] I wanna see a cat and dog move around like jelly! Then I want to see them slap their BUTTS together, because BUTTS are funny! Then I want them to tell my grandmother to suck eggs!
Stinky Wizzleteats: I'll teach your grandmother to suck eggs!
Nostalgia Critic: And THEN I want to see them take a hammer and smash themselves on the head with it! [laughs uncontrollably, and then lapses into a sugar coma]

[in response to the soundtrack of Doug sounding like it's being "farted out"]
Nostalgia Critic: This scene needs a little more tension. Howard! More pork and beans!

NickcomsEdit

Nostalgia Critic: [regarding You Can't Do That on Television] The show aired on Nickelodeon, but got its start in America's humble neighbors to the north, Canada. Which means you always hear my favorite mispronunciation: [kids repeat the word "about" over and over in a Canadian dialect, sounding like "aboot"] IT'S "ABOUT", YOU SOCIALLY POLITE FREAKS! IT'S "ABOUT"! A-B-O-U-T, not A-B-O-O-T! STOP SAYING "ABOOT"! [gets a boot] This is a boot! [calmly, points to the word "about"] That is about. [back and forth] A boot, about, A boot, about, A boot, about. GET IT RIGHT!

SnickEdit

Nostalgia Critic: Hey kids! It's Saturday night!
Kids: Hooraaay!
Nostalgia Critic: School is out!
Kids: Hooraaay!
Nostalgia Critic: The night is young!
Kids: Hooraaay!
Nostalgia Critic: All your friends are free!
Kids: Hooraaay!
Nostalgia Critic: And you can't drive.
Kids: Fuck!
Nostalgia Critic: But thank God Nickelodeon's got you covered, for every Saturday night Nickelodeon was kind enough to give us "Snick".

Nostalgia Critic: [regarding Are you Afraid of the Dark?] However, the most annoying part is just the kids who were telling the stories who call themselves the Midnight Society. I think these kids take this stuff WAY too seriously.
Gary: We're called... the Midnight Society.
Nostalgia Critic: [as Gary] We're right next to the Dungeons and Dragons role-playing game.
Gary: Separately, we're very different. We like different things, we go to different schools, and we have different friends.
Nostalgia Critic: [as Gary] Some of us like the same gender... but not me!
Gary: But one thing draws us together...
Nostalgia Critic: [as Gary] Smokin' weed around the fireplace.
Gary: ...the dark!
Nostalgia Critic: [as Gary] And smokin' weed around the fireplace.

Nostalgia Critic: [regarding All That] Plus, you have to give them credit for the best Ross Perot impression ever done in the history of comedy, performed by a little girl with rubber ears.
Ross Perot: Will you let me finish? Am I a eucalyptus tree, or can I finish?!
Nostalgia Critic: Right on the crooked, prosthetic nose!
Ross Perot: I've got [puts two dollar bags on the table] four billion dollars, so listen up.
Nostalgia Critic: Wow, right down to the fact that he thinks he actually has money. How delightfully perceptive.

Good BurgerEdit

Nostalgia Critic: [after speaking his usual opening line, depressed] Well, seeing how we are at the end of Nickelodeon Month... [the intro for Nickelodeon Month begins, but suddenly it's shot by the Critic himself]...I can safely say that I'm not the least bit happy! Why? Because I have to review what many consider to be a double-order of bullshit with extra crap and a side order of dick-cheese! The fast food abomination simply known as Good Burger! [the film's title is shown, along with clips] Based off the hit sketch preformed on the kids show All That, Good Burger was an attempt to take one line...
Ed: Welcome to Good Burger, home of the Good Burger, can I take your order?
Nostalgia Critic: ...and somehow trying to turn it into an hour and a half movie!
Ed: [through various clips] Welcome to Good Burger, home of the Good Burger, can I take your order?
Nostalgia Critic: No, but you can take this... [flips the bird] AND SHOVE IT UP HARD! The film stars Kel Mitchell, reprising his role as Ed, the idiot fast food attendant whom works at the inappropriately titled Good Burger. It also stars Kenan Thompson, which is weird, because he never actually starred in any of the Good Burger sketches, but who the hell cares? Let's just get this ass-burger review out of the way!

[after Ed has attended a client, he heads to the dispenser where the package opens and a living, floating Good Burger with eyes pops out, staring at Ed.]
Good Burger: Ed... I see you... I see you...
Nostalgia Critic: [whispering] What in the fuck is that!?
[three burger cases open up, revealing more living, floating Good Burgers]
Good Burger 2: I wanna stay here with you!
Good Burger 3: We love you, Ed!
Good Burger 4: Come with us, Ed.
Good Burger 2: Fly, Ed, fly.
[Then, the living burgers start flying, as does Ed too. The Critic is agape, confused and disturbed, finding no sense in this and all of this nonsense.]
Ed: I'm flying, I'm above, here. Whooooooo, weeeeee! Flying with hamburgers! [he falls down a pit screaming. Cut to Ed's room, where he wakes up scared.] Welcome to Good Burger, home of the Good Burger, can I-
Nostalgia Critic: STOP, STOP!!! [nearly falls in tears, traumatized] I need a minute... [slams his head] Pull it together, pull it together...

[a competing burger diner, called Mondo Burger, has set shop nearby, threatening Good Burger's existence]
Manager: Nobody is putting Good Burger out of business! [the whole staff cheers in agreement]
Otis: [a fry cook played by Abe Vigoda] Nobody! [the Critic stops the movie and rewinds slowly to replay that one shot] Nobody!
Nostalgia Critic: Abe Vigoda, what are you doing? Is there just really no movie you'll say no to? I mean, did you read the script? You know it couldn't have been a good movie! My guess is that he was in some sort of contract or something, and it probably went something like this.
[footage from The Godfather is used]
Agent: Abe, the president of Nickelodeon said you have to do the Good Burger movie.
Sal Tessio: Hell, he can't do that. It screws up all my arrangements.
Agent: Sorry, Abe. You're under contract.
Sal: Tom, could you get me off the hook? For old time's sake?
Tom Hagen: Can't do it, Abe.
[Sal reluctantly goes along with it]
Agent: Come on, you get to wear the little hat and everything.

Nostalgia Critic: As Ed and Dexter become more acquainted with each other, they discover they have quite a complicated relationship.
Dexter: I don't like you! Can't you get that through your head!?
[Ed, out of nowhere, shoves two grapes within his nostrils]
Ed: Look! I'm grape nose boy! Bloobity bloobity bloobity bloobity bloobity bloobity...
Dexter: Stop that.
Ed: ...bloobity bloobity bloobity...
Nostalgia Critic: Shut up.
Ed: ...bloobity bloobity bloobity...
Nostalgia Critic: Shut up!
Ed: ...bloobity bloobity bloobity...
Nostalgia Critic: Please shut up!
Ed: ...bloobity bloobity bloobity...
Nostalgia Critic: SHUT UP!
Ed: ...bloobity bloobity bloobity...
Nostalgia Critic: Shut up! Shut up! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!!!
Ed: ...bloobity bloobity bloobity...
Nostalgia Critic: PLEASE shut up!
Ed: ...bloobity bloobity bloobity...
Nostalgia Critic: SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! MY GOD, I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU WILL NOT SHUT UP!
Ed: ...bloobity bloobity bloobity...
Nostalgia Critic: SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!
Ed: Made ya laugh!
Nostalgia Critic: My god, I just realized what this is! This is Dante's Eleventh Level of Hell! He just didn't write it because he knew it would be to scary for people to comprehend!
Nostalgia Critic: (as demon voice) And low, and behold, an obnoxious douche bag with unconvincing dread who put grapes in his nose, and constantly shout "bloobity, bloobity, bloobity, bloobity!" And it will be called, "The Eleventh Level of Hell". Dante then wet himself, and cried in fear.

FernGully: The Last RainforestEdit

[in response to finding out that the secret to growing the rainforest is "magic."]
Nostalgia Critic: Wait, what about photosynthe--?
Nostalgia Chick: [interrupting the Critic] Magic.
Nostalgia Critic: What about the science behind--?
Nostalgia Chick: [interrupting the Critic again] Magic.
Nostalgia Critic: What about the years of research to--?
Nostalgia Chick: MAGIC, DAMN YOU! [punches the Critic out] Don't you EVER try to bring logic into this movie again! This is Ferngully, BITCH!
Nostalgia Critic: So Batty says he spotted humans at Mount Warning, which is... wait a minute. Mount Warning? Isn't that in Australia?
Nostalgia Chick: Yep.
Nostalgia Critic: Is their rainforest in any kind of danger? [Nostalgia Chick wishy-washily implying no] THEN WHY IS IT CALLED THE LAST RAINFOREST?!
Nostalgia Chick: Well, Mr. Critic. One must ask oneself, "Where is a viable rainforest environment that happens to have a ready supply of white people?"
Nostalgia Critic: Central America?
Nostalgia Chick: No.
Nostalgia Critic: Africa?
Nostalgia Chick: Yeah, right.
Nostalgia Critic: New Guinea?
Nostalgia Chick: Getting warmer.
Nostalgia Critic: Oh, Australia!
Nostalgia Chick: Now you've got it. Technically, they could have just made up a location, but I guess the movie wanted some credibility. Now, you could say that it's not a great idea to try to impose logic on an environmentalist film about fairies, but hey, it's for kids and kids are stupid enough to buy anything.
Nostalgia Critic: Now I know.
Nostalgia Chick: And knowing is half the battle. [G.I. Joe theme plays with the two giving a salute]

[in response to an oddly placed song sung by a lizard voiced by Tone Loc]
Nostalgia Critic: I mean, I... WHAT IS THIS CHARACTER?! He just comes outta nowhere singing this kinda sexual song about how he's gonna eat Zak. I mean, what's the point?
Nostalgia Chick: Ooohhh! It's a Big Lipped Alligator Moment. [the logo makes its first appearance, startling the Critic]
Nostalgia Critic: What's a Big Lipped Alligator Moment? [it appears again and has the same effect on him] That's not an alligator! It's a... that's not an alligator!
Nostalgia Chick: [smiling and patting the critic on his head] You stupid sack of shit. Perhaps you don't remember the big lipped alligator scene from All Dogs Go to Heaven. This is named after the random musical number sung by a big lipped alligator towards the end of the film; a scene that comes right the fuck outta nowhere, has little to no bearing whatsoever on the plot, is way over the top in terms of ridiculousness (even within the context of the movie), and after it happens, no one ever speaks of it again.
Nostalgia Critic: Ooohhh! Like the dancing Fire Gang from Labyrinth, the pink elephants from Dumbo, the creepy-ass tunnel scene from Willy Wonka...
Nostalgia Chick: That's right.
Nostalgia Critic: ...and now this festering pile of pointlessness!
Nostalgia Chick: [as if talking to a child] Yes, Critic! [pinching Critic's cheek] You're learning a lot today!
Nostalgia Critic: I am! [Turns to the camera] I really am! [Cue the ending from the famous "The More You Know" PSAs]

[clip shown of Ferngully where Chrystal and Zack hold hands and their hands glow. The Nostalgia Critic and the Nostalgia Chick do the same thing.]

Nostalgia Chick: [after a minute] Now you're pregnant.
Nostalgia Critic: [panicking] Ah! Ah! Ah! [Tries to pull hands away]

[in response to 'Toxic Love' being interrupted by Nostalgia Chick playing an accordion]
Nostalgia Chick: ...Did that make any sense?
Nostalgia Critic: No.
Nostalgia Chick: Are you ever going to mention it again?
Nostalgia Critic: Probably not.
Nostalgia Chick: [raises her hand up] Big Lipped Alligator Moment! [the logo appears, and the Critic is startled but the chick plays her accordion]

A Kid in King Arthur's CourtEdit

Nostalgia Critic: However, it turns out that Katie is in love, but judging by this scene, we're not quite sure to who... [cut to Princess Katie's bed, where her sister Princess Sarah is brushing Katie's hair amid soft candlelight]
Princess Sarah: You are in love, little one.
Princess Katie: Don't be silly! [short pause] I can't hide anything from you, can I?
Princess Sarah: I know it all too well myself.
Nostalgia Critic: [confused] Are you talking about Calvin, or...
Princess Katie: Does it always hurt this much?
Princess Sarah: [running her fingers through Princess Katie's hair] Sometimes, it hurts much worse.
Nostalgia Critic: Am I the only one finding this kinda hot?
Princess Katie: What's to become of our family, Sarah?
[the Nostalgia Critic's heart beats loud and fast as he stares with anticipation]
Princess Sarah: I know not... [touches Katie's chin] but I will always look after thee. [the Nostalgia Critic leans in, smiling and panting as his heart still continues to beat as Sarah and Katie hug each other, only for the scene to fade]
Nostalgia Critic: WAIT, NO! GO BACK! GO BACK! I WANNA SEE 'EM GET IT ON! [next scene opens with Calvin and King Arthur] Oh, son of a BITCH! We're right in the middle of hot medieval lesbianism—one of the few things I want to see before I die—and then all of a sudden it cuts to those two putzes? I mean, come on! What kind of sexual eroticism can we possibly get out of those two?!
Calvin: [regarding gum-chewing] Never swallow.
King Arthur: Never swallow.
Nostalgia Critic: ...GO... BACK... TO THE LESBIANS!

The Good SonEdit

Critic: [deadpan and silent, communicating via giant note cards] You might be wondering why I'm not talking in this episode... Well, it turns out I threw out my voice from yelling so much at today's movie. It's THAT bad. So I have to do the whole review like this. It blows monkies! I feel like I'm on The Newlywed Game. "In the ass"? [mouths sarcastic laughter] So which movie caused me to lose my angelic voice? I'll tell you... [he puts down the card. Ominous music plays as Critic holds up the next card, reading...] THE GOOD SON!!! The film that teaches us that kids aren't just born evil, they're born REALLY evil. It seems to think that child psychology is more a diversion from the real truth that deep down, all kids just want to be unsuccessful James Bond villains. But don't take my poorly written cue cards for it. Let's take a look!

[as Mark is sliding down a pole out of a tree house the two are sitting in]
Henry: Hey, Mark! [Mark looks up] ...Don't fuck with me. [cut to the Critic, jaw agape, then to Henry and back to the Critic]
Critic: The "Home Alone" kid just said "Don't fuck with me."
Henry: Don't fuck with me.
Critic: I can actually feel my childhood dying. It's going...going... [thumping sound, then flips the note card] Dead. [a cartoon heart with wings, a halo and the word "Childhood" on it floats up, tinkly music plays and the Critic bitterly waves goodbye]

Nostalgia Critic: So Culkin falls to his death, Elijah Wood is saved, and they all live happily ever after...OR DO THEY????? [a still of Culkin with a Terminator body roaring like Godzilla pops up] For it turns out, Culkin WAS an evil robot bent on RULING THE WORLD!!!!! [note card] Okay, okay, that doesn't happen, but it might as well. This movie is totally removed from reality! This was probably just some writer's way of coping with getting beaten up by bullies in high school by explaining that they're just EVIL! Everything is false, completely over done and hammed up. NC: And, of course, it caused me to talk like Wile E. Coyote!!! Let's see if I can sum this movie up with one focused vocal chord. (he prepares for it and shouts:) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASS! At least I tried. I'm the Nostalgia Critic, I remember it so you don't have to.

Adventures of Sonic the HedgehogEdit

Critic: I consider myself a man of decent logic. A man who has a fairly firm grasp on the perceptions of reality. A man who's down to earth and lives in the realms of the real world... UNTIL TODAY, when that reality was CHALLENGED by a blue-tinted hedgehog and his flying fox with two tails! This is the gateway to madness that the world of children's programming has chosen to call The Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog. Imagine coming across a mentally disabled person who's not only criminally insane but was also drunk, high and had a whole frontal lobotomy leaving little to no intelligence left in his brain. He would be normal compared to The Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog! So, what's wrong with this show? What's right with this show?! That's the shorter answer! It's actually hard to come up with words to describe how bat-shit crazy this show is -- it is that crazy. So rather than talk about it, let's go ahead and try and watch it ...the key word being "try".

Critic: As you probably gather, this show has absolutely no basis in logic or reason. But there are just really some things that go beyond the boundaries of comprehension. Like watch this scene, as they try to set up yet another trap. [Grounder is shown blowing into one of his hands to inflate the other, which inexplicably becomes a pumpkin] WHAT?! PUMPKIN?! P-PUMPKIN?! WHAT?! WHAT?! WHAT?! PUMPKIN?! WHAT?! I don't care what drug-induced land you're in! You cannot blow in your hand and come up with a pumpkin! How did you even come to that conclusion? I mean, what's next? He's gonna blow in his hand and a beautiful woman's gonna come out? [Scratch pulls a drawstring on his hand to do just that while hiding behind a rock waiting for Sonic] WHAAAAAAT?! How can you blow into your hand and make a woman?! Why would you even be chasing hedgehogs if you could blow into your hand and make a woman?! It does not add up! My God! How do you even advertise a show like this?! I mean, what do the commercials look like?! [switching to an announcer-type voice as clips from the show begin playing] Hey kids! Ren and Stimpy making too much sense for ya? Then put on The Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog! You'll love this cosmic, out-of-body raping of your senses! It's like a Japanese show in English, only you still have no idea what's going on! You must be at least this high to watch. [shows a picture of Chester A. Bum]

Sonic: Even you can learn something from a sloth.
Critic: [whips out his gun] FUCK THIS SHOW! [shoots Sonic's head off] FUCK THIS SHOW! [shoots Tails' head off] FUCK THIS SHOW! [shoots Scratch's head off] FUCK THIS SHOW! [shoots Robotnik's head off] FUCK THIS SHOW! [continues firing until the city blows up] This is crazy! In every possible meaning of the word! Nothing about this show makes sense! It's pure bullshit!

Critic: [smiling after seeing the opening sequence to the Sonic Saturday morning cartoon] EFFORT! Honest to God effort! It literally took nothing and turned it into something. Unlike... [shows off The Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog; sighs loudly] THAT OTHER FUCKING SHOW! It took nothing and turned it into even less than nothing!

Student Critic: Hey there, teach. Here's my project. [clips from the Sonic Saturday morning cartoon play] Uh, I tried as much character and psychological development as possible, given the guidelines, but I think I came up with a pro environmental show that will actually make kids enjoy the forest without, you know, shoving it into their faces.
Teacher Critic: Well, this is very well put together, strong story, good character, working beyond the material given to you. A+. [A+ appears on the Sonic cartoon title] Now where's my other student, Fuckup McDumbass?
Fuckup McDumbass: HEY TEACH! Here's my project and it's AWESOME! [clips of Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog play] It's got a lot of, ah, running, ah, a lot of CHILI DOGS, ha ha, It's got a monkey and a chicken, and they just yell all the time going "BLAH, BLAH, BLAH!" and it's totally awesome.
Teacher Critic: McDumbass, did you put any effort into this?
McDumbass: No, I just got high. [F appears on Adventures of Sonic title]

Top 11 Nostalgic MindfucksEdit

Nostalgia Critic: [regarding Toon Town in Who Framed Roger Rabbit] Plus, it's probably the only time you'll see Bugs Bunny and Mickey Mouse together. That alone is pretty surreal.
Bugs: Nyeh, so how's Pixar saving your ass this time, Mickey?
Mickey: Suck my enchanted ballsack, you hunk of shit!

Nostalgia Critic: [after seeing the Twin Pennies dolls talking in random in Raggedy Ann & Andy: A Musical Adventure and getting closer] RAGGEDY ANN SCARES ME!!!

TwisterEdit

[the Twister is about to hit a barn as it makes a vague growl]
Critic: Is it me or did that twister just roar? [scene replays, growl is more pronounced] What, were there dinosaurs in that barnhouse or something? [fake dinosaur flies past in the twister, with the Tyrannosaur roar from Jurassic Park playing as sound effects.]

Melissa: Is there an F5?? [silence falls on the group]
Critic: We don't mention F5's in this household, little lady.
Melissa: What would that be?
Bill: The Finger of God.
Critic: Yeah, the middle finger, maybe.

Critic: [Bill and Jo have just survived the tornado and are arguing] SHUT UP! SHUT UP SHUT UP! [points at Bill] You're an idiot! [points to Jo] You're a bitch! [points to Dusty] You're annoying! [points to the Twister poster] AND YOU'RE A GOD-AWFUL MOVIE!!! Why was this movie such a big hit? Because of the effects. Nothing else. Because when you really look at this assfest of a movie, you see nothing but what assfests always produce: crap, crap, crap! It's so horrifically bad that it even scared the Burger King away, and he's usually the one scaring other people away! [sobbing is heard off-screen] Oh-oh come on, BK, come out from under the bed. [to the camera] He's crying now. [to the Burger King] No, no, Philip Seymour Hoffman isn't here anymore. No, he's gone. H-hold up—I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. Oh, no, calm down, calm down. Come on. I'll get you some McDonald's. [Burger King punches the Critic off-screen] OW! Sorry.

Garbage Pail Kids: The MovieEdit

Critic: [holds his face in his hands, too speechless to give his normal introduction] I... got... nothing. I have absolutely nothing. I mean... what the hell am I supposed to say? Garbage Pail Kids. Does the title even sound like it's going to attempt to be a good movie? [pauses for several seconds, turning his head away from the camera in despair] I feel raped! I feel honest to God raped by this movie, it is that bad! There is no talent, no effort, nothing salvageable! Nothing salvageable about this movie at all! Show the credits! Let's get started! It's, uh... it's, uh... it's... it's gonna hurt, I'm not gonna lie, it's really going to hurt. So why waste any more time just talking about it? Oh, I can think of a few reasons, but let's take a gander anyway. Be very afraid.

Critic: First, a little history. Garbage Pail Kids was actually a deck of trading cards that children would pass around. It was obviously satirizing the Cabbage Patch Kids, but these were quite different. They were gross, violent, and totally disgusting. So, as you can imagine, they were a huge hit. And kids all around the country were passing them around and trading them. Then some numbnuts at MGM thought to themselves... "hey, there's some great potential for a really good, gripping story here."I don't know what he was smoking either. Let's just pray he got brain damage from it.

  • Critic: So they get to the dance court to sell her clothes when one of the women ask her for the shirt she's currently wearing.
[Tangerine removes her top, exposing her bra to Dodger, who backs away fearfully]
Dodger: Oh my God! Boobs! I didn't know she had boobs! It's the most terrifying thing I've ever seen! ...Why isn't somebody doing something? She has boobs! BOOBS!!

Nostalgia Critic: Oh, wait a minute—I think they're gonna do another pissing pants joke again.
[Nat Nerd pisses the fourth time]
Nostalgia Critic: [chuckles] Well, y'know what they say, "If at first you don't succeed, try, try, try, try try trytrytrytry...[speeding up and bonking on desk]—TRYTRYTRYTRYTRYTRYTRY—UNTIL YOUR FUCKING LITTLE MIND CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!!

Nostalgia Critic: Yes, apparently there's a State Home for the Ugly where men literally walk around with nets and capture ugly people the same way dog catchers capture puppies for the pound.
Catcher #1: You shouldn't wear a mask unless it's Halloween, kid!
Catcher #2: No hard feelings, eh kid?
Nostalgia Critic: WHAT WORLD... REALITY... DRUGS... WHERE WOULD YOU EVEN GET FUNDING FOR THAT?! I mean, you're telling me there's an actual State Home for the Ugly, and yet Joan Rivers, Michael Moore and Carrot Top are allowed to roam free?! What kinda sick, crazy world is this?!

Nostalgia Critic: I don't know whether to give it to a scientist to examine or a priest to exorcise! I mean, it is remarkable, it is absolutely remarkable! Even the closing credits are hurting me! Everything about this movie is just plain HORRENDOUS!!! In fact, I don't why know I'm still watching it. I should turn it off before anything else-[he proceeds to turn it off, but there is a bright flash off light.] Oh my God! [two more flashes] Oh my God!! [another Flash as he enters a bright, flashy portal from 2001: A Space Odyssey] The movie is so bad it's actually splitting the fabric of space and time! [enters the portal and makes several weird faces, then in deep tone] My God! It's full of shit! [yells inaudibly before appearing in a bright room. He looks around and sees an older version of himself, with long black hair and eating Cheerios 2] Where am I?
Older Critic: You are inside the bad movie. A film so horrible that it actually ages even as you watch yourself.
Critic: Wow! The movie's that bad?
Older Critic: Yes. Now piss off! [throws a bagel at Critic's head, knocking him out] I'm trying to eat my processed cereal. [a Bagel is thrown at him]
Elderly Critic: [who is shown to have curly hair] Will you shut up, I'm tryin' to die over here for cryin' out loud! Well, I'm done for, but at least I don't have to see that shitload ass of a movie again. [laughs weakly, then has a surprised look on his face. He looks up, and sees the DVD floating in mid-air. He reaches out for it, only to give the middle finger]
Critic: [now transformed into a long brown piece of crap wearing the hat and glasses] My God! It turned it to what the movie always was. A dirty piece of crap! [Begins singing to the tune of Also Sprach Zarathustra] Oh my God! [The camera zooms in on the DVD, then shows Space, the Moon and the Earth] It sucks!
It sucks so bad makes you real mad it's rather sad. [he is then seen to be viewing the Earth from space] Oh my God!
It sucks!
Sad but true.
I'm the Nostalgia Critic
I remember it
So you
Don't have
To!

Rock-a-DoodleEdit

[the film begins with Chanticleer singing in a field and the camera zooms in a little too close for comfort on Chanticleer's mouth]
Critic: WHOA! Okay, that zoom in was a little to extreme. I could practically see his digestive system. [the clip of Chanticleer singing plays again, but with the camera zooming in even further, showing the inside of his throat]

Critic: [after the Grand Duke of Owls appears in Edmund's room] Oh no, tell me that owl isn't voiced by Christopher Plummer...
Grand Duke of Owls: The Duke is going to eat you!
Critic: Oh God, what some people will do for a paycheck! He couldn't have thought this was a good movie, nobody could've! He must've been under contract or something, that's the only excuse! [as a scene from The Sound of Music is queued up] In fact, I can just imagine him trying to sneak away from this movie...
Driver of car being pushed: I hear they're going to announce the casting for the villain today.
Capt. Von Trapp: By the time they've made the announcement, we'll be over the border.
[The Von Trapp family is spotted by a couple of trailing cars with their headlights on]
Herr Zeller/Studio Executive: Trouble with your car, Mr. Plummer?
Capt. Von Trapp: Yes, as a matter of fact we couldn't get it started.
Zeller/Executive: Surely you've heard that the studio wants you to provide the voice for the owl in their latest family romp Rock-a-Doodle?
Capt. Von Trapp: I'm afraid that's... going to be quite... impossible.
Zeller/Executive: Now Mr. Plummer, surely you don't think you can defend yourself against the awesome power of studio-funded lawyers? No man has ever survived their verbal slaughter. So, I take it you'll change your mind about the role?
Capt. Von Trapp: ...Yes.
Zeller/Executive: Excellent. My men will escort you to the recording studio.
Capt. Von Trapp: No escort will be necessary.
Zeller/Executive: I insist. We wouldn't want you to get lost on your way over... would we?
Capt. Von Trapp: ...No.
Zeller/Executive: [walking back to his car] Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to get Abe Vigoda for Good Burger.

[Critic can't understand why the sun rose without Chanticleer, but nothing in the movie explains such]
Critic: You know what? Fine! Forget it! I'm gonna make up my own reason: God got bored, so he wanted to fuck around with a rooster, and played yo-yo with the sun! There, I'm happy!

Critic: [when the small group arrives in the city] So they search all throughout the city to find Chanticleer... which is also populated by animals. Well, now how does that make sense? I mean, did the parents, when they needed farming supplies, just drive to the city filled with cartoon animals? [Talking like the farmer] Well, thank you, Mr. Pig! This frying pan will really help us out when we're cooking up some bacooooooooo-oooooonnn that note, how about them Bears? The team, not the people that own the hardware store down the street.

Titanic: The Legend Goes OnEdit

Critic: [as music from James Cameron's Titanic plays] This is the tale about a ship of dreams. About a young boy and a young girl who fall in love but are torn apart by their social class. And only, at the height of their emotional commitment, does the ship meet with disa- [music stops] No, wait. That's James Cameron's highest grossing movie of all time, Titanic. My mistake. [clears throat, music starts again] This is the tale about a ship of dreams. About a young boy and a young girl who fall in love but are torn apart by their social class. And only, at the height of their emotional commitment, does the ship meet with disaster. This is the story of Titanic... the animated musical. [music switches to "Hold Me"] Now before you say anything, let me answer your very first question: yes, this is real. Some Italian fart over in Italy decided that he wanted to tell his version of how he saw the Titanic, which of course is completely different from that other little independent film that came out a few years earlier. This charming little version has talking geese, Mexican mice, and -- I'm really not kidding here -- a rapping dog. I swear to God that is true. A rapping dog. This film is actually so bad that people debate whether or not it actually exists! Copies of it are very hard to find and most people who see snippets of it swear it's just something done by a fifth grader on Adobe Flash! But, here's the DVD to prove it! [holds up the film's DVD case] Titanic! As it says on the back how they embark on the real adventures of the Titanic. Oh yeah, because all the other stories you've heard weren't the least bit exciting or credible, were they? No no no no no, this is the exciting version with what really historically happened on the Titanic. With Mexican mice and a rapping dog. HELLO??? Be afraid, my fellow viewers, be very very afraid. Let's dive in. No pun intended.

Child Narrator: Wait a minute! Wait a minute! Where are you going? [The Critic's head shoots up] The movie isn't over yet! Don't you want to know what happened to everybody?
Critic: I kind of assumed they've drowned...
Child Narrator: Hortense and Bernice married Kirk and Dirk, who are gloatingly thinking they've got it made... [cut to the Critic's perplexed face] ...and here we have the ecstatic newlyweds, Angelica and William [The Critic scratches his head] together with Mother Nanny Jennie, Victoria and the grandchildren, and the dalmatians and their children. Well, here's hoping they'll all live happily ever after. See you soon!
Critic: HAPPILY EVER AFTER?! WHAT THE HELL'S WRONG WITH YOU?! THIS ISN'T A POSTCARD! IT'S THE SINKING OF THE FUCKING TITANIC! If you wanted to be really faithful, you would've said [now parodying the child's narration] "Kirk and Dirk got married to the evil stepsisters, William and Angelica married as well as adopted the two dalmatians, and over 1,500 people died in one of the world's largest and most tragic disasters. See you soon!" [resuming his review] Where did this movie come from? What idiotic brain mash could so effectively miss the tragic center of the Titanic disaster? My guess is somebody just saw the James Cameron blockbuster and didn't realize it was based on a real tragic event. They probably just thought it was a fairy tale. So they put their half-ass version together thinking to themselves "You know what this collection of human misery needs? A rapping dog!" There's a reason so many people don't believe this movie exists: because quite frankly we don't want to believe it exists! It's so horrible that we as human beings don't want to believe that we created it. And with the help of [brings back his over-sized bottle of Jägermeister] Mr. Alcohol here, I might just be able to make that dream come true. [after saying his catchphrase, he walks off guzzling the bottle] Oh yeah, destroy that memory.

The PagemasterEdit

Critic: We all liked Michael Jackson at some point, didn't we? But that doesn't mean he can just throw any crap on the screen and expect us to buy it! That's why I have some serious hangups with Moonwalker. [shows clips of Pagemaster instead] One of the strangest and most bizaare—um, this isn't Moonwalker. So, what the hell were up with those clips? [looks offscreen] Huh? Pagemaster? I never watched any Pagemaster. I did? Well, what was it about? Oh! Oh, yeah, the, the Home Alone kid, the reading adventure, yeah, OK. Um...Pagemaster! Yeah, what a... what a memorable movie that was! [chuckles slightly] OK, by that total lack of memory, you could probably tell that this film didn't exactly leave much of an impact. And why should it? IT'S BORING! Nothing's developed, nothing's structured, nothing's... anything. It's pretty much just a film fart: it happens, it's unpleasant, but you forget about it just a few moments later.

Critic: [impersonating Zuul from Ghostbusters] ZUUL, MUTHAFUCKA, ZUUL!

The NeverEnding StoryEdit

Chester A. Bum: Hello, I'm Chester A. Bum. I remember it, though I don't know why. And I am here to talk to you about THE GREATEST MOVIE I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE! ....And I don't say that very often!

Chester: And there's a giant rock monster and a bunch of other little gremlins, and the rock monster is like—
Rock Monster: "We're in trouble, I'm being chased."
Chester: And the other guys are like—
Gremlin: "By what?"
Rock Monster: "Nothing."
Gremlin: "Oh well, that's nothing to worry about."
Rock Monster: "No, it is something to worry about!"
Gremlin: "What is?"
Rock Monster: "Nothing."
Gremlin: "I though you said it was something."
Rock Monster: "It is something! The something is Nothing!"
Gremlin: "Nothing?"
Rock Monster: "Nothing!"
Gremlin: "So there's nothing to worry about?"
Rock Monster: "YES!!!"
Gremlin: "But who's on first?"
Rock Monster: "That's what I want to know!"

Chester: So he rags on his horse Artax all around this fantasy world and he gets stuck in the Swamp of Sadness, and Atreyu is like—
Atreyu: "I'm not very sad Artax, are you?"
Artax: "Yup." [splash sound]
Chester: ARTAAAAXX!!!

MoonwalkerEdit

Critic: So we see the world's first universal answer to every joke ever written: Michael Jackson. We catch him at that stage where he wasn't really a good-looking black man anymore, but at least he was a half-way decent looking white woman. We see him performing at a concert, singing about how we can all change the world and apparently, all of the world leaders buy Jackson's plea for world peace. [as Mohandas Gandhi] I am in total support of Michael Jackson! [as John F. Kennedy] Ich bin ein Michael Jackson. [as Ronald Reagan] You know, Michael Jackson made this all possible. [as Martin Luther King] I have a dream: to support Michael Jackson's dream.

Top 11 Dumbest Superman MomentsEdit

Critic: Number 4: The opening of Superman III. Talk about a movie that was already doomed from the start. First of all, look at these credits. All the Superman films began with the credits flying in space with that kickass John Williams music. But this one, it looks like they were added in at the last minute. It's like that stupid Star Wars text option that comes with most movie editing softwares. And after that, it's pretty much just a half-assed Laurel and Hardy routine as a guy trips looking at a woman, a lady on rollerblades crashes into a hot dog cart, the hot dog cart knocks over some phone booths, a toy penguin is set on fire, which scares a little doggie, that knocks a woman over carrying groceries— [Mouse Trap commercial plays]
Cat: You knock the man into the pan, you knock the ball in the rub-a-dub tub... Mouse Trap! I guarantee it's the craziest trap you'll ever see!
Critic: Um, you get the idea. It's about as obnoxiously overblown as a comedy routine can get, looking absolutely nothing like a Superman movie. In fact, the title just passes by! You wouldn't even notice it! But how can you, when a man confuses his walking dog for a road painter—yeah 'cause all blind people are freakin' idiots, right? A car speeds out of control, hits a fire hydrant, starts filling up with water — you figure that one out — as Superman comes in to rescue the guy from drowning in his own vehicle on dry land. This is like the "dominoes" of human misery! Seriously! The only thing that's missing to top off this cliché comedic slosh is a fucking mime- [a mime appears] OH, YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING ME!!! This honestly does not seem real! I don't think there's enough "wah-wah" music to get us through this opening! ["wah-wah" music plays continuously as the mime slips on marbles, a blind man walks through a giant sheet of paper, Clark Kent knocks a guy carrying pies over, catches one of the pies, but is so distracted by a beautiful woman that he turns around quickly and smashes the pie into another pedestrian's face. All of these events cause an explosion, stopping the "wah-wah" music] Oh great, you BLEW UP the wah-wah machine! One gigantic comedic moment after another. The only thing missing; the humor.

Critic: Number 3: The mind-scrambling kiss from Superman II. This happens after Lois finds out Superman's secret identity. They go all the way through the movie -- and I mean all the way -- until they get to the very end, as Superman feels Lois' life would be a lot easier if she never knew who he really was. So he gives her a kiss that somehow deletes all memory about him being Superman.
Lois Lane: What's happening in the world?
Critic: How the fuck does that work?! Is there a mind-altering breath mint he slips her or does his tongue just work its way in to her brain and take out the parts he doesn't like? For that matter, why doesn't he use this power more often? I mean... it'd be weird, but you could technically use that kiss to give all the super-villains amnesia. [the following is illustrated with some still cartoon pictures] He'd fly up to Lex Luthor and he'd be like "Superman! Allow me to explain my evil plot—" [the cartoon Superman kisses Luthor, which is followed by an awkward pause between the two] "...Who the hell am I?" I mean, OK, it'd be gross, but imagine how many lives you could save!

TMNTEdit

Narrator: Four turtles, genetically reborn in the sewers of New York.
Critic: Wow... brief. I mean, geesh, they expect us to buy this whole mutated turtle thing pretty quickly, don't they? Most people would consider that a little out of the norm. I mean, is the title the only real backstory we're gonna get about 'em? How the hell do you think they'd describe the Star Wars trilogy? [in narrator's voice, with Star Wars clips] A guy with a sword. His father. They... don't get along.

Splinter: This home has become like an empty shell. Each of your brothers...
Critic: Oh, God. What did they do to Splinter's voice? It sound like Mr. Miyagi if he smoked a million Marlboros.
[proceeds to mumble in a very raspy manner as Splinter continues talking]

Red SonjaEdit

Critic: Before I start this review, let me tell you a little story about a guy named Mako. And why you don't wanna mess with him. Mako apparently was a very popular sort of underground voice celebrity. He did voices for Avatar: the Last Airbender, which I never heard of, Samurai Jack, which I never saw, and played Akiro the Wizard in Conan, which I barely remember. So, as you can tell, I barely know who this guy is. But apparently a lot of you do, and were not very happy when I made fun of his voice in the TMNT movie. I remember it like it was yesterday. [starts to fade to a flashback, but we're still focusing on the Critic] Okay, maybe I don't remember it like it was yesterday. But I have a clip.
Splinter: This home has become like an empty shell. Each of your brothers...
Nostalgia Critic: Oh, God. What did they do to Splinter's voice? It sounds like Mr. Miyagi if he smoked a million Marlboros.
[cut back to the present]
Critic: [chuckles] Marlboros. Well, apparently, a lot of you took this the wrong way thinking I was making fun of the actor himself, sending me e-mails like: "You don't mess with Mako, Mother fucker.", "Leave Mako alone, he is the Man!", and "You should crucify your privates for making fun of Mako!" Well, there goes a one-year anniversary surprise. The fact is I don't hate Mako. I don't know Mako. I know nothing about Mako. I just thought the voice was a little different compared to the other Splinters that I've heard before. I mean, geez, you act like the guy died or some— [cut to a captioned picture of Mako saying "Mako: 1933-2006"] GODDAMMIT!! Okay, okay, so, just to recap, I don't hate Mako, I don't know Mako, so logically, I can't hate someone I don't know. Especially when he's dead. That makes it very difficult. So, no disrespect, I apologize, let's move on. [Beat] Boy, how am I gonna segué out of that? Oh, I've got it! Mako was in Conan, Conan starred Arnold Schwarzenegger, Arnold Schwarzenegger was in a horrible Conan rip-off, which was known as Red Sonja!

Short Circuit 1 & 2Edit

Critic: [in movie trailer voice, while the Terminator 2 theme plays over clips of Johnny 5] They took away his toys. They used him as a pawn. They beat him and they left him for dead. Now, rebuilt, recharged, and incredibly pissed off, Johnny No. 5 is ready to kick some FLABBY. WHITE. ASS. Johnny No. 5 in, I Robot, You Dead. No more Mr. Nice Bot, it's all or nothing.
Fred: What do you think you're gonna do?
Johnny 5: Pursue, capture, incarcerate.
Nostalgia Critic: [in movie trailer voice] Nothing can stop him. Nothing would dare.
Fred: You're never gonna find him, they're long gone.
Johnny 5: Find them, I will.
Ben: He is leaking, he will run out of power, and he will die!
Nostalgia Critic: [in movie trailer voice] He doesn't need battery fluid, VENGEANCE IS HIS FUEL!
Johnny 5: Let's party.
Nostalgia Critic: [in movie trailer voice] Short Circuit III: I Robot You Dead, Starring Johnny 5 Is Himself, Michael McKean Is Fred, Fisher Stevens Is Ben, Directed By The Same Guy Who Did A Christmas Story And Baby Geniuses Himself Bob Clark, Short Circuit III: I Robot You Dead, now playing. Currently.

Old vs. New: Batman vs. The Dark KnightEdit

Critic: [regarding supporting characters] But overall, I think I have to go with the '89 film. Why? Because goddamnit, it has Bob in it, and I fucking love Bob! He's the henchman that doesn't say anything, do anything, but for some reason, he really leaves an impression. He's like the Boba Fett of Batman: He barely does anything, but for some reason, people just love him. He even got his own action figure! Why? Why the fuck does he have his own action figure? I don't know, I don't care. I just know that a little bit of coolness tips the pile over to Batman's side. I love ya, Bob. We all do.
Burton Joker: You... are my number one... guy!

Critic: So the old wins in this situation. Does that mean I don't like The Dark Knight? Not at all. I just like Batman a little more. And, uh, my only hope is that Christian Bale doesn't take what I said about him too seriously— [his cell phone rings] 'Scuse me. [opens and answers it] Hello?
Christian Bale: [utilizing audio from his infamous rant] What the fuck are you DOING?!
Critic: I'm sorry, man, I just thought—
Christian: No, don't just be sorry. THINK for one fuckin' second!
Nostalgia: Well that's not very nice.
Christian: What the fuck is it with you? Are you professional or not?
Nostalgia: Well, I don't like to brag, but—
Christian: Fuck's sake, man, you're amateur!
Critic: Look, I don't know why you're getting so angry—
Christian: No, shut the fuck up!
Critic: Maybe I could, uh—
Christian: No! NO!! I wanna fuckin' kick your fuckin' ass!
Critic: Why are you so angry? I just don't get it.
Christian: What don't you get about it?
Nostalgia Critic: Hold on, hold on. [addresses the viewers] I'm the Nostalgia Critic, I remember it so you don't have to. [resumes the call]
Christian: Gimme a fuckin' answer!
Critic: I just don't get why you made Batman sound like he had lung cancer.
Christian: Ohhh, good for you! You're a nice guy.
Critic: Why thank you!
Christian: Shut the fuck up!
Critic: YOU shut up! Go make Reign of Fire 2!
Christian: No!
Critic: YES!
Christian: NO!!
Critic: YES!!
Christian: Fuck's sake.

Full HouseEdit

Critic: ...I really hope you people appreciate what I do for you. Cause let me tell ya, it's not always easy! The stupid-ass shit I gotta sit through is JUST- [calms himself] ...well, it's not always fun. I mean, a bad movie is one thing, that's like, two hours. But to watch episode upon episode of manufactured "pwecious shit"... or "pweshit" as I like to call it, quite often is just more than I can bear. The only upside I have is that I get to share my misery with the people who requested it in the first place! With that said...Full House.

Critic: [noticing that Michelle's shirt is labeled: "Manufactured by Planet Volplax"] OH MY GOD! The Olsen Twins are mutant alien robots bent on world domination! I KNEW IT ALL ALONG! This is incredible! The people have to know!
[The Critic runs for the front door, only to run into - the Olsen Twins themselves, only they look like the twins from The Shining]
Olsen Twins: Come play with us, Critic... Come play with us... Come play with us, Critic... [Critic is absolutely terrified] Forever and ever and ever and ever and ever...
Critic: TWIIIIIIIIIINS!!!! [pulls out a gun and fires it at the twins, blowing their heads off] ...I did it. They're dead. Can you believe them, trying to take over the world?
M. Bison: Of course!
Critic: Of course. Well, seeing as they are in fact dead, I'll just turn around and return to my regular duties ... cause you know, they're dead. It's not like they're going to pop up anywhere, anywhere else especially on my way back to the room. So, I'm just going to make that turn that I talked about just a second ago. And here I go. [he turns and nothing appears] You see. Nothing there.
Olsen Twins: [reappearing] Uh-huh.
Critic: So I'll just go back and... [suddenly stammers as he realizes that the twins are alive; they let out a roar as they attack him]

NorthEdit

Critic: You know, growing up I remember seeing a trailer for a Rob Reiner film called North. [the movie's title and clips are shown] Even though I never saw it, it looked harmless enough -- sort of a quirky comedy about a boy who divorces his neglecting parents and searches the world for better ones. It just looked like any other average family comedy. But what really drew my attention to it was the Siskel and Ebert review.
Gene Siskel: It's... junk. First class... junk.
Roger Ebert: It's a movie that makes me cringe, even when I'm sitting here thinking about it.
Gene Siskel: It's- it's embarrassing. You feel unclean as you're sitting there.
Roger Ebert: I hated this movie as much as any movie we've ever reviewed in the 19 years we've been doing this show.
Critic: [visibly shocked] ...DAMN. That is HARSH. I mean, these are the guys that reviewed Batman and Robin, Kazaam, the Super Mario Bros. movie and the Tom and Jerry movie... and this is the movie that made them feel unclean?! What the hell could be in it that could be so bad? Come on, kids! Let's find out!
Kids Offscreen: YAAAAAAYY!

Critic: [in response to North's Dad saying "Here, loosen his pants!" as North is (apparently) having a seizure] Okay. Alright. You can't let a line like that go by and not have somebody make fun of it. So... here are my jokes. [with band music in the background, a title screen that says "Nostalgia Critic's Top 10 Jokes For This Scene" appears, and "Loosen his pants!" is replayed before each joke is told a la David Letterman's Top Ten lists]
Announcer: Number ten!
Critic: Or take his shirt off. Either way, I'm gettin' a show.
Announcer: Number nine!
Critic: I hate it when I have to direct the strippers.
Announcer: Number eight!
Critic: [as Dr. McCoy] Damn it, man! I'm a doctor, not a pedophile!
Announcer: Number seven!
Critic: Isn't that the slogan for NAMBLA?
Announcer: Number six!
Critic: But just skip over the turning your head and coughing...
Announcer: Number five!
Critic: I always forget if we circumcised him!
Announcer: Number four!
Critic: Now we're going to see why his last name is "Wood"...
Announcer: Number three!
Critic: [as Kramer] Elaine wants to see if he's truly spongeworthy!
Announcer: Number two!
Critic: You know, when you said we were having "the other white meat," this isn't what I had in mind...
Announcer: And the number one joke to be made about this scene is...
Critic: If anyone asks, Art Vandelay did it. Play me off, Paul! [he starts dancing to music being played by Late Show bandleader Paul Shaffer]

Critic: So are there as many ethnic stereotypes in Hawaii as there are in Texas? Do volcano gods eat virgins?
Governor Ho: Well here in the islands, we have only twelve letters in our alphabet. [cut to the Critic, unimpressed and incredulous]
North: Well I didn't know that!
Governor Ho: Well sure! Just think about it: Waikiki, Honolulu... [cut back to the Critic, now palpably bored]
North: That's very interesting, but how does that help me get into college?
Governor Ho: Well since we don't use the letters "B", "C", "D" and "F", you're pretty much guaranteed to get straight A's.
Critic: [rubbing his forehead] Good gravy, the jokes on Happy Meals are funnier than this! But North is also wondering why the Governor and his wife want to adopt him in the first place.
Governor Ho: Hawaii is a lush and fertile land. In fact, there's only one barren area on all of our islands. Unfortunately, it's Mrs. Ho. [she shoots him a disapproving look]
Critic: [throws up arms] That's the worst thing ever uttered by humans. This movie is pure evil.

Critic: So North rushes towards his parents, the henchmen gets out his gun, pulls the trigger and... [North suddenly jars awake] ...it was all a dream. [he looks disgusted for a second, then becomes incredibly enraged] WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWHAT?! YOU ACTUALLY WENT TO THE LOWEST COMMON DENOMINATOR, AND MADE IT ALL A DREAM?! YOU ASS OF SHIT!

Critic: I hope you enjoyed this journey of racist insensitivity. Allow us to replace the credits with the words "We're Sorry" a hundred times! This movie is... amazing. It actually goes beyond belief. In today's PC world, for a film like this to get made -- let alone for kids -- is scary as shit! How could anyone green-light this? How could anyone sign on for it? How could they get all these big name stars for such an ugly piece of cinematic prostitution?! Maybe Rob Reiner thought he had too many good films and needed a bad film to even it out? Personally, I now see why Siskel and Ebert hated this film so much. And I really agree with Roger Ebert when he ended his review by saying...
Ebert: I hated this movie. Hated hated hated hated hated this movie. Hated it. Hated every simpering, stupid, vacant, audience-insulting moment of it.
Critic: YOU'RE TOO FUCKING NICE! I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to.

Critic and Nerd: TMNT: The Making of the Coming Out of Their Shells TourEdit

Angry Video Game Nerd: Well, as you guys probably know, we were both huge Ninja Turtles fans, and seeing as we both reviewed every single one of the movies, it only figures that we should collaborate on something that's Ninja Turtles related. And boy, do we have the biggest piece of shit-fucking...
Critic: ...cock-blowing...
Nerd: ...horse-raping...
Critic: ...splooge-drinking...
Nerd: ...anal-plugging...
Critic: ...monkey-jerking...
Nerd: ...dick-knocking ...
Both: BIGGEST PIECE OF COW DIARRHEA WE HAVE EVER SEEN!

Critic: This is pretty much the worst thing that ever had the Ninja Turtles name on it!
Nerd: This is even worse than Ninja Turtles 3.
[Critic and Nerd shudder and cross themselves]
Critic: In fact, why the hell do we even have this pleasant backdrop? Let's get something else back there! [Chicago is replaced with a fiery backdrop and Raphael's severed head arranged as a skull and crossbones] MUCH better!

SidekicksEdit

Critic: So he sits at home watching, what else? Chuck Norris movies! As he fantasizes AGAIN about being his sidekick. This time the villain is played by Joe Piscopo and we find out that the damsel is and always has been Ms. Chan. I... don't think this is so much as dreaming about Chuck as it is fantasizing about his teacher. I mean, if she's always the person being trussed up and rescued, isn't that a little... um, creepy? And what exactly happens after you saved her? Does she give you a 'Thank you' with a happy ending? Well, I think the answer is obvious. He gives her to Chuck Norris.
Announcer: A-CHUCK-A NORRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIS!!!!

Man in waiting line: [sniffing] Smoke. [smoke comes out of his pocket] Smoking. I'm smoking? [he starts patting his pocket.] I'm smoking? I'm smoking!
Critic: [smiling] Wow, that's... impressively bad acting! I mean, you have to try in order to be that horrible! How do you think he'd react if he got shot? [a gunshot is heard]
Critic: [imitating the man in the line, patting himself everywhere] Gunshot? Gunshot? Gunshot?! I've been gunshot! [imitating C-3PO ] R2-D2, where are you?

  • Critic: Gee, it's been a while... Where's that disgustingly unnecessary Chuck Norris cameo- [daydream sequence starts] There it is! For a second there I thought you're actually gonna try and have a plot! Yeah, got the teacher in trouble again and of course Chuck Norris is there by his side. This time they're stopping the evil Piscopo from putting razor blades in bubblegum and dynamite into pinatas...this kid needs to get laid.

[Piscopo raises his arms, and begins conducting his plot and henchmen like a musical conductor, bewildering the Critic]

Onscreen Text: WTF?
Critic: I take it back, this whole MOVIE needs to get laid!

GargoylesEdit

Critic: But I think my favorite episode is the one called "Future Tense," where Goliath arrives in the future and all hell broke loose as Xanatos has apparently taken over. Trying to set things right, all the gargoyles get killed and slaughtered by Xanatos' army. But then it turns out Xanatos is really a computer with all the memories of the original person. But THEN it turns out it wasn't Xanatos at all—it was Lexington, who's become overtaken by madness. BUT THEN it turns out it was all an illusion by Puck to try and get a mythical emblem from Goliath. AND THEN it turns out it may or may not have been a dream. AND THEN it turns out that Goliath is a woman! [a photoshop image of Goliath in drag appears.] Okay, that didn't happen, but you get the idea.

Transformers: Revenge of the FallenEdit

Critic: This is the SHIT! Well, not the shit, that was the first movie, but this is, uh, ADEQUATELY SATISFYING!

Chester: [walks in after the review ends and looks at the camera] Dude, did he just do my act?

SteelEdit

Critic: So Shaq goes back home, which I swear is the house from Up, as he gets reacquainted with his grandmother and— [Grandma Odessa and Ray J loudly shush John Irons as he walks in; whispering] Oh, uh, who's very happy to see him. Why are we whispering?
Grandma Odessa: It's supposed to be a soufflé.
John Irons: A soufflé?
Grandma Odessa: 'Til you come stormin' in.
Nostalgia Critic: We're talking quietly because it'll upset the soufflé?
Grandma Odessa: How am I ever supposed to master the art of French cooking when you keep crashin' in here like James Brown? [singing] I feel good nanananananana!
Critic: So, just to recap: armed weapons, soufflés, and crazy grandmas. I think we're in for a wild ride!
Grandma Odessa: It's supposed to be all light, fluffy, and full of air.
Critic: You know, like your head!

Top 11 Cereal MascotsEdit

Critic: [regarding the Froot Loops commercials] Just how many problems can Froot Loops solve anyway? Well, geesh, Toucan Sam, my father has AIDS!
Toucan Sam: Then follow your nose.
Critic: Well, OK!
Toucan Sam: It always knows!
Critic: Well, I wonder what it could be?
Toucan Sam: Ah, Kellogg's Froot Loops cereal!
Critic: [gasps with a surprised reaction, then pauses] ...my father still has AIDS! [face gradually changes to him about to cry.]

Critic: [regarding the Lucky Charms commercials] But wouldn't you be pissed off if you caught a Leprechaun and instead of gold, you got a friggin' bowl of cereal? [Irish music plays as Lucky jumps up to the critic]
Lucky: Hoo hoo! Now that you caught me, you get me Lucky Charms.
Critic: Uh, no, I want the gold.
Lucky: No, you want Lucky Charms.
Critic: No, I want the gold.
Lucky: No, you want Lucky Charms.
Critic: I'm quite positive I want the gold.
Lucky: Well, if you were to deny the sweet taste of-
Critic: [smashes Lucky with his fist] There, now you're dead. How do you like that? [spits on Lucky's mangled body]

Critic: [regarding the monster cereal mascots] And it was kind of clever that they took the voice of the movie monsters they were spoofing, like Count Chocula is Bela Lugosi...
Count Chocula: Then you'll enjoy my Count Chocula cereal!
Critic: ...Frankenberry is Boris Karloff...
Frankenberry: Frankenberry has strawberry-flavored sweeties!
Critic: ...and, for some reason, Boo Berry was Peter Lorre.
Boo Berry: ...with my hauntingly delicious cereal!
Critic: Did he ever play a ghost? Ah, well he's dead now, so maybe that counts.

Critic: Number four: Sonny, from Cocoa Puffs. Sonny is just an addict, okay? He needs help! He needs to go into rehab and have his illness treated. Look at him, he's just trying to do his everyday work, when suddenly these little bungholes come up and tempt him by feeding his habit! What's up with those kids? They're fucking enablers!

Critic: So, I guess the Trix Rabbit is a way of showing kids humanity's a natural cruelty to others. It's not right, it's not fair, but ya gotta just deal with it! [Beat] Trix are for kids, motherfucker! Ha, ha! The Trix Rabbit, because hey, we're just flat-out sadists.
[The Critic learns that Sonny the Cuckoo Bird is voiced by Larry Kenney, who voiced Lion-O on Thundercats]
Critic: What the hell happens to a guy who goes from a butch, manly superhero to a crazy, addicted bird? I'll tell you what happens... PUFFS HAPPENS!
[the word "PUFFS" is stamped on the screen while the theme from Terminator 2 plays in the background]
Critic: [showing an image of Lindsay Lohan] Everyone thinks Lindsay Lohan got addicted to drugs? Not a chance. It was puffs!
[the word "PUFFS" is stamped across Lohan's image; the Critic then brings up another image, this one of Tennessee Williams]
Critic: Tennessee Williams addicted to alcohol? Not even close. It was puffs!
[the word "PUFFS" is stamped across Williams' image; "PUFFS" is then stamped across images of Kurt Cobain, Marilyn Monroe and Vincent Van Gogh, in that order, while the Critic says:]
Critic: Puffs! Puffs! Puffs! Remember, kids, life may be rough, but don't do the Puffs.
[Cut to a clip from Pee-wee Herman's infamous anti-drug PSA]
Pee-wee Herman: It isn't glamorous or cool or kids' stuff.

Barb WireEdit

Critic: So it turns out Cora D enters at the exact same time the colonel does, but that doesn't get Barb's attention. What gets her attention is Cora's husband Axel, who used to be Barb's lover.
Axel: I never wanted to hurt you! Now's not the time to explain.
Barb: Well, you're three years late, Axel. Get out and don't come back!
Nostalgia Critic: Wait a minute! Let me recap this: A fascist government is looking for a scientist and spouse working for a resistance who take shelter in a bar under management by the spouse's ex-lover and a corrupted cop? Hmm... now where have I heard that before—CASABLANCA! [Casablanca's title screen appears.] I mean...WOW! There's, like, no difference! The plot is literally just Casablanca! Why? Why rip off Casablanca? Did you really think that nobody would notice? Did you think that arguably the most famous romance film of all time was so low on the radar that NO ONE WOULD MAKE THE CONNECTION?! Granted, the titties were a good distraction, BUT THEY CAN ONLY HIDE SO MUCH! I mean, what would Humphrey Bogart have to say about this? [imitating Bogart] Of all the film flops in all of cinema in all the world, she had to rip off mine. Cocksucking bitch.

Old Vs New: LOTR Animated vs. Lord of the RingsEdit

Critic: By the way, how does that work? If the sword wound works its way to his heart he becomes one of the Black Riders?
Bakshi Frodo: Would I have...?
Bakshi Gandalf: You would have become like them... one of the Ringwraiths.
Critic: Wouldn't that be a little... um... awkward? I mean, I don't think they'd look as intimidating if a little guy in a cloak was running around.
Jackson Ringwraith: [speech balloon] Dude, he's gonna ruin our image!
Nostalgia Critic: Eeh, maybe they'd just give him a desk job.
Ringwraith Desk Jockey: I do hate Mondays.
Nostalgia Critic: Even though I love Elijah Wood as Frodo, The Bakshi one just seemed a little stronger, as well as closer to the book. No offence Wood but point goes to Bakshi.
Jackson Frodo: What do you know about it!? NOTHING!

Critic: [regarding Gandalf] My only problem in the Bakshi film is he's a little too over the top. Like, compare these two scenes where he yells at Pippin.
Jackson Gandalf: Fool of a Took! Throw yourself in next time and rid us of your stupidity!
Bakshi Gandalf: Fool of a Took! Throw yourself in next time! [Runs off blabbering incomprehensibly; Critic mimicks the blabbering]

Critic: [as Smeagol] I think we want diet Coca-Cola.
Critic: [as Gollum] No! We want original Coca-Cola classic!
Critic: [as Smeagol] But we have to watch our calories! We're trying to lose weight!
Critic: [as Gollum] No! We love the calories! We love ALL OF THEM!
Critic: [as Smeagol] You suck!
Critic: [as Gollum] Hey, you suck!

Critic: So there you go, Peter Jackson vs. Ralph Bakshi. Though I do feel bad I'm not able to compare Return of the King to anything. Oh! Wait a minute! The Rankin Bass version! That's right! They did Return of the King! Well, I'll just compare those two then.
Rankin Bass Orcs: [singing] Where there's a whip, there's a way! Where there's a whip-
Nostalgia Critic: Peter Jackson!
[the poster for The Fellowship of the Ring crushes the Orcs]

Last Action HeroEdit

Critic: There's some people that just keep making appearances here at Nostalgia Central, people like Shaquille O'Neal, Pee Wee Herman, Abe Vigoda and of course, the Austrian beef sandwich himself, Arnold Schwarzenegger. What is it about him anyway? He's so goofy, and yet so likable. Such a bad actor, and yet so entertaining. You can't stop watching him no matter how hard you try. Well, if there's any movie that can make the Arnold formula seem old and stale... apart from all his other ones, it's Last Action Hero. You'd think the director of Die Hard and Predator would know something about keeping audiences entertained, but in John McTiernan's big budget borefest, we find that even the most action packed director can make the most dull, unfunny and creatively misled of pictures. Now I know what you're thinking, "Arnold Schwarzenegger make a bad movie? Surely you jest!" Well, let's take a look at why Last Action Hero is a last action zero. Trust me, it's a lot funnier than most of the jokes in this movie!

Jack Slater: [to a cop standing in his way] Hey, you wanna be a farmer? Here's a couple of acres! [kicks him in the crotch, sending him flying offscreen]
Critic: YEAH! [thinks for a second] I'm sorry, could you repeat that? [the sequence is repeated] What... does that... mean? I mean, Arnold's lines are corny, but they usually make sense! Is it because "acres" sounds like "aches"? Is it because he kicked him so far it's like the distance of an acre? Are his balls the acres? I mean, WHAT'S THE JOKE?! Arnold, you can't just say random phrases and expect them to magically be funny, you gotta think about them first. It's like saying [imitates Schwarzenegger's voice] "You want to be an astronaut? Trix are for kids!" [punches the screen]

Captain N: The Game MasterEdit

Critic: I love whores. I love everything about them. How willing they are to sell their souls for money, and how cheerful they can be in the process. I'm not talking about the people who sell their bodies. No, no, no. I'm talking about media whores, the people who create stories and ideas solely for the purpose of selling their product. And in the late 80's, early 90's, there was no better brothel for media whores than Nintendo. Now, before you go nuts, I love Nintendo -- who doesn't? It's like the greatest gaming company in the world. But that doesn't mean they didn't sell out time after time when it came to their spin-off products, mostly in television and movie development. Time after time, Nintendo has put out horribly written and horribly executed shows and films that had no interest in actually entertaining the viewer, but rather just selling more Nintendo games and accessories. And here's another one!
Announcer: Captain N: The Game Master.
Critic: Ah, yes. Captain N: The Game Master. The Saturday morning TV show that instantly made you want to play more Nintendo games. Why? BECAUSE ANYTHING WAS BETTER THAN WATCHING THIS PISS-POOR, PUTRID PILE OF PIXELATED PIG SHIT!!!

Critic: So, ya know, aside from lame lines, nonsensical stories and completely misunderstood character development, what specifically is wrong with this show? Well how about the fact that nothing in this world is consistent? For example, we clearly see that pretty much anytime he wants, Kevin can use his Nintendo Pad to pause reality. Well, why the hell doesn't he just do that all the time? Wouldn't that make everything a lot easier? I mean, how come he never confronts Mother Brain like this?
Mother Brain: Prepare to meet your match, Captain N! Ahahaha— [Critic uses an NES controller to pause her (complete with vintage sound effect), calmly swaps the controller for his gun, shoots her through the face and puts down the gun]
Critic: I'm awesome. [the series announcer exclaims the show's name as the text "END OF SERIES" appears on screen] Or how about these warp zones that they keep using? They can apparently jump from world to world whenever they want, so... why don't they just warp to the inside of the enemy's room and zap 'em? In fact, they do that a few times! It seems so easy, except they don't bring any guards or armies, they just use the Eggplant guy who shits out some vegetables.
Eggplant Wizard: I-I'm just an incompetent vegetable...
Critic: Again, why doesn't Kevin just use the warp zone to shoot Mother Brain when she's in the middle of a hammy speech?
Mother Brain: I'm not only the most beautiful brain in the world, I'm the comman— [the screen shows the Critic's empty chair, then he appears out of nowhere] Ah! [Critic calmly shoots her in the face again and puts down his gun]
Critic: I'm awesome. [the series announcer exclaims the show's name as the text "END OF SERIES" appears again on screen] But no, there's always some lame-ass excuse as to why he can't just blast her.
Kevin: [as Mother Brain is violently spinning around in her tank] Get to the warp zone! It's too dangerous to finish her off!
Critic: [as Kevin] We're contractually obligated to keep stalling for three more seasons!

Critic: Ah yes, I remember that magic element that was meant to bring back an evil that was almost destroyed. In fact, I was there. [turns his head to the left] I was there when the strength of men fell... [cut to a scene from Lord of the Rings with the Nostalgia Critic & Mario]
Critic: CAST IT INTO THE FIRE! [Mario looks at the potion] DESTROY IT!!
Mario: [voice provided by Critic] No. Suck my big fat meatballs. [hops away]
Critic: MARIO! MARIOOOOOOOOOO!!!! [flashback ends] It should have ended that day. There was no strength left in the world of plumbers.

We're Back! A Dinosaur's StoryEdit

[a monochrome montage of various scenes from We're Back! plays while random splatters of blood interrupt them. The entire time, a version of My Favorite Things from The Sound of Music by The Lennon Sisters plays. This eventually gives way to a voiceover by a new character named Raoul Puke, a parody of Hunter S. Thompson's Raoul Duke character from Fear And Loathing In Las Vegas.]
Raoul: I was somewhere in the living room, on the edge of the couch, when the drugs began to take hold. The only strange thing is I wasn't on any drugs. It was one of the few instances of sobriety I've ever experienced, and never again will I return to that nasty realm. Because if it's anything like what I saw on the television, then the world of LSD clearly has more sense and logic than that of reality. Hello, I'm Raoul Puke, father of Fozzy journalism. I've covered everything from Fear And Loathing In Las Vegas to Where the Buffalo Roam, but today... today I'm here to tell you about a very particular trip. It is a trip that I wish never to take again. A trip of sobriety, I will not lie, but it came from a very particular place: a children's film. A children's film I hope never to revisit. A children's film that brought out horrid images that I hope never to experience again. There's only one children's film that can possibly bring out this kind of horrible trip in any manner. It is simply known as... We're Back! A Dinosaur's Story. [the movie's title is shown, clips from the movie play as "Roll back the Rock" from the film is heard] Clearly these writers and directors had bitten off far more ecstasty than they could chew, because there is no story structure or visual logic that could be obtained from any reasonable, sober human being. At least, let's pray to God there isn't. The fact that these disturbing images is marketed as a children's film is ludicrous and unkind. Clearly, no child should ever have to go through such a horrible punishment. So let's take the ticket... [lights up a cigarette] ...ride the ride.

Raoul: So the Neweyes fart tells them that his goal is to use the time machine to travel back in time to grant all the wishes of children in the world. I would use it to stop 9/11... unethical jackass. I mean, the Kennedy assassination? The bombing of Pearl Harbor? Really? None of these are important compared to entertaining whiny little bastard children? Well, while you're taking requests, here's a kid named Hitler. He just wants to start his own Third Reich and bring joy and happiness to the world. Why don't you grant him that wish, huh? HUH?!

[as Rex jumps on a Spider-Man balloon during the Thanksgiving Parade]
Raoul: What?! No!! you're raping Spider-Man you fucking fascist! Leave that American icon alone!!

Raoul: So, the kids decide to join the circus, and Screweyes goes to write up a contract.
Cecelia: But it's blank. [the sheet of paper is indeed blank]
Raoul: Aaargh, it's the script! Suddenly everything about this film makes sense.

Rex: [to the little bird from the beginning of the film] Good night, little tough guy. Remember my story.
Raoul: WHY?! What did he teach him? There was no meaning to the story! Those little bastards are still making fun of him, so nothing's changed! Is the moral "Never grow up"? "Always be a mama's bird"? Bullshit! This is a horrible lesson! I mean, nothing was accomplished, god damn it! You'd think with five dinosaurs set loose on Manhattan something would be accomplished! But no! This was a waste of my time and energy! It had no purpose! Big Lipped Alligator Moment? Try Big Lipped Alligator Movie! Threatening visuals! Horrifyingly dull storylines! This movie is awful! You know, it's often said by former drug users that it's actual possible to get more high without drugs than you can with them. Well this movie is chock full of that, man! Granted, at times the animation is nice, but it's just deprived of anything that makes the art of cinema animation look decent. It's a depraved, savage work, a work that tries to shove whimsical magic up your ass until it comes out your mouth as toxic fumes whistling "Zippity Fucking Doo-dah". So do yourself a favor: get off the ride... and get a refund. I'm Raoul Puke, and I'm just another freak in the freak kingdom. [in a final homage to "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas", "Jumpin' Jack Flash" plays him off the screen]

Warriors of VirtueEdit

Critic: Meanwhile, on the set of Dune, we see our villain named Komodo.
Minion: I brought you this. It's from a boy. He's a newcomer! [Komodo looks strangely at the minion.].
Komodo: Newcomer?
Critic: [imitating Komodo] "The Monarch is not pleased!" [The minion falls down a hole.]
Komodo: General Grillo, I ask you this: What's the point of power... if you don't abuse people?
Critic: [imitating Komodo] "I'm trying to do every Johnny Depp performance I've ever seen."
Lord Grillo: My Lord, it's the symbol of Tao. [mispronounced]
Critic: Oh, really?? The symbol of TAO?? Boy, how tare you! You must be a very taring person to tispense such tepressing information!

Critic: And then, in one of the oddest moments—trust me, that's saying at lot—Ryan says one of the most bizarre things in a kids movie.
Ryan: "Shit happens."
Komodo: Shit?
Ryan: Happens.
Elysia: Shit happens.
Komodo: Shit.
Critic: Dude— Guys, what's with the potty mouth? Like, three more of those and you get a PG-13!

Captain AmericaEdit

Critic: The onlookers wish to congratulate the scientist.
Richard: Remarkable work, Dr. Vaselli. [extends hand] Congratulations. [retracts hand, performs Nazi salute] HEIL HITLER! [shoots Dr. Vaselli with the other hand]
Critic: [laughing] What was that?! [the scene is repeated] Wow, that was... the most over-the-top way to kill somebody. I give you props, guys, that was mighty silly. I mean, it's just so sporadic. You could call it the "Psych Hitler!" You go in to shake someone's hand, and it's like, "Psych, heil Hitler!" Do you think he does that everywhere? Like, at weddings? "A toast to the bride and groom, on this, the happiest day of their—HEIL HITLER!" [shoots] Or how about bar mitzvahs? You think he does it there? "Jimmy, now that you're officially a man, let us celebrate with this most sacred of Jewish traditi—HEIL HITLER!!!" [shoots wildly] Or good God, what if he was a kindergarten teacher? [singing] "The Itsy Bitsy Spider went up the water spout, down came the rain and w—HEIL HITLER!!!!" [shoots even more wildly]

Critic: So yeah, just going by this movie alone, it appears that Captain America would be the lamest superhero ever. [pulls out the movie's VHS case] I mean, just look at the highlights on the back of the box. It's Captain America getting beaten up by Red Skull and being strapped to the bomb! These are the heroic highlights, kids! Oh, I also like this where it says that Captain America [cuts to the following text on the case] is a high-flying adventure for children of all ages..." [cuts to the film's PG-13 rating] ...as long as you're over the age of 13!

Top 11 Fuck UpsEdit

[On leaving Optimus Prime's death in the animated Transformers movie off his Top 11 Saddest Nostalgic Moments countdown]
Critic: But people still to this day can't believe I made such a huge mistake. There were protests in the streets, nations went to war, it tore the world apart. Clearly, there was only one possible thing I could do. To give the situation the dignity that it deserves, I hired one of the greatest generals to read a note of apology that I personally wrote. [cuts to a clip from Patton with the text "Optimus Prime Memorial Service" inserted into the scene]
General Patton: Now I freely admit that my method was wrong, but I hope you can understand my motive, and will accept this... explanation... and this... apology. Dismissed.
Other Soldier: Ten hut!
Critic: I know that looks like a clip from "Patton" but... it wasn't.

Critic I mean everyone seems to die. It's like it was the theme of the movie of something. Live life and then fucking die! The end! Buy our products! (toys from Transformers Animated are shown)

Alone in the DarkEdit

Critic: [using a Macintalk] Well, it finally happened, I've been traumatized by the movie I just saw, a film so bad that my doctor tells me I may never speak again. What film brought me to such a speechless state? Well, let me tell you the story of a sauerkraut named Uwe Boll. He is being declared the new Ed Wood of the film world, a man who constantly keeps making horrible movie after horrible movie and yet somehow keeps making money. He mostly makes video game films like House of the Dead and Bloodrayne. His gimmick is that he exercises German tax loopholes that reward his investments into the film, even if they totally bomb. So, if the movie loses money, the investor got a tax write-off. He's also well-known for challenging his critics to a boxing match and beating the living manshit out of them. Class act. Because of his unfortunate popularity, many of my viewers have been requesting me to review one of his movies. I took a look at one of his more famous films, Alone in the Dark, and am now paying the consequences. I'd love to review the movie for you, but I do not want to sound like Stephen Hawking's speaking coach. So, it looks like I'm going to pass on this one unless I can find someone to review...
Spoony: [appears from the left side of the screen] Diiiid someone say Uwe Boll? Man, I've wanted to take a shot at that cinematic Hitler for years!
Critic: How did you get in here?
Spoony: I'm from the future!
Critic: What?
Spoony: I'm just kidding, I broke in.
Critic: Well, not that I wouldn't want to watch the movie again with you, Spoony, but I fear a film this bad would take at least three reviewers. So, unless you can find someone else...
Linkara: [appears from the right side of the screen] Hi, guys!
Critic: Oh, Jesus, no.
Linkara: I saw the Nostalgia Signal in the sky. [shot of the bat signal with the Critic's head over it, with the 60's Batman theme playing]
Critic: Why did I install that?
Linkara: No one should have to watch Uwe Boll alone, especially with Spoony.
Spoony: Hey dude, check out what I can make the Nostalgia Critic say! [starts typing on the Critic's keyboard] "I like to wear women's clothing. I like to wear women's clothing." [the Critic finally stops him]
Critic: Well, I guess we have enough people to withstand the horrors of the Boll. So what do you say we watch Alone in the Dark with a group in the daylight?
Linkara: Sounds great.
Spoony: Totally looking forward to it.
Critic: Goody.

[as Edward's home goes dark and is being invaded by people with compromised immune systems]
Linkara: How do they even know these guys are evil? They could've been innocent civilians who just wandered in.
90s Kid: Whoa! What's all these flashing lights— [shot multiple times] Oohhh, not radical. [falls]
Dr. Insano: [holding a textbook] I brought science! [shot, then falls]
Ma-Ti: [holding a pizza box] Pizza delivery— [shot, then falls] Heart!
Chester A. Bum: CHANGE! Ya got— [shot, then falls]

Spoony: So they put together that all the nasty monsters and zombie people are coming from this one cave, or mine, or ... something. So they load up and get ready to go snooping around.
Richard Burke: [shouting] Wait for my command!
713 Guy: [shouting] We got three perimeters of flashlights set up! And every available agent in the vicinity is in the--
Richard Burke: [shouting] Look, I don't care what you have to do!
Linkara: I do love just random yelling.
Richard Burke: [shouting] Look at this place! We need more!
[Critic, Spoony, and Linkara all start shouting random things at the same time]
Spoony: I want everyone deployed and I want a full perimeter around this situation! We got a hard target search for the escaped fugitive! I want everyone searched!
Linkara: Alright, you gotta do this right here! Get this generator right here! Put it right here! Let's row it! And do this! I need scissors, sixty-one!
Critic: You! Do more stuff! And you! Do more stuff! And you! Do more stuff than the stuff that the other guy is doing! Stuff! Stuff! Stuff!
Christopher Walken clip: I gotta have more cowbell!

Linkara: So that was Uwe Boll's Alone in the Dark. How does it fare up? Horrible!
Spoony: It's god-awful!
Critic: Deplorable.
Spoony: I can see why this guy is called the next Ed Wood. His stories make no sense, there's no originality, the plot holes are just gigantic, and on top of all that, it has nothing to do with the game it was based on!
Critic: There, it's over. Now leave.
Spoony: Oh, come on, I got all these other Uwe Boll movies we could watch, like House of the Dead! [the Critic slaps Spoony in the head] Nyeeh!
Linkara: Don't forget to buy Revolution of the Mask! [the Critic tries to poke Linkara in the eyes]
Spoony: Why, what about Dungeon Siege? [the Critic slaps Spoony again] Nyeeh!
Linkara: Hey, you leave him alone! [the Critic attacks Linkara's nose] Woo-woo-woo-woo! [cue Three Stooges music]
Spoony: Well, if you wanna watch some hot chicks, I got Bloodrayne. [the Critic pokes Spoony in the eyes] Nyeeeoh! Bloodrayne 2? [the Critic takes Bloodrayne 2's case and slaps Spoony in the head with it] Eeeh! [Linkara takes the Critic's hat and hits him with it]
Critic: Pick five.
Linkara: Five! [the Critic slaps Linkara] Nyeeh!
Spoony: Why you gotta be so mean? We could watch Seed. [the Critic elbows and hits Spoony and Linkara simultaneously] That's it, Critic! It's on now! [Spoony catches the Critic in a headlock and begins applying a noogie while Linkara employs ineffectual slaps]
Critic: I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to.
Spoony: Woop-oop-oop-oop-oop-oop! Woop-oop-oop-oop-oop-oop!

Blank CheckEdit

Critic: So Preston gets his bike run over by the Quigley guy, who sees a cop and forgets to write out the amount in the check to cover the injury. So you think his folks would be relieved that he's okay, right? Not in the impractical world of "Bland Shit 101"!
Preston's Mom: I thought we understood about taking care of our valuables.
Preston: It's a piece of junk.
Preston's Dad: Well, if that's how you feel about a gift from your parents, I don't see giving you a new one for your birthday.
Preston: I don't want a new bike, I want my own room.
Preston's Dad: I'm warning you, you're on as thin ice as it is about the bike.
Preston: What I want is my own house.
Preston's Dad: That's it, young man. Until further notice, you are grounded.
Critic: [as Preston's Dad] That'll teach him to almost get run over. I almost had to summon an emotion there. Pfft!

Old Vs New: Willy Wonka vs. CharlieEdit

Critic: So the old wins this time around. And as a special treat, here's the original music from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory to play us out. ["Wonka's Welcome Song" from the 2005 film plays instead] No, no, no! PLAY SOMETHING ELSE! [Theme song from It's a Small World theme park ride plays] D'OOOHH! PLAY SOMETHING ELSE! [Theme song from DuckTales plays] AAOOOHH! SOMETHING ELSE, GOD! SOMETHING ELSE! [Theme song from the Doug NickToon plays, then the Critic's head drops before he addresses the camera] Alright, enough is enough. This is the final, this is the very very last straw! WHO IS RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS... THIS... I DEMAND THAT YOU SHOW YOURSELF! WHO ARE YOU?! HUUHH?! [The Critic's review is paused, and the camera pulls back to reveal it's being manipulated by someone on their computer in an homage to the Daffy Duck cartoon Duck Amuck]
Douchy McNitpick: [chuckles vengefully] Ain't I a stinker?

Cool as IceEdit

[Johnny (Vanilla Ice) has supplanted the previous act at a local club]
Johnny: Yup yup. [new music signifies the beginning of his rap]
Critic: Ohhh dear, let's get out the White-O-Meter again. [the accompanying graphic appears on-screen]
Johnny: Drop it! [the White-O-Meter progresses from "White" to "Very White," then to "Albino" before settling back down] Aw yeah! I'munna drop some funky lyrics! [the White-O-Meter immediately shoots all the way up to "Invisible," accompanied by a dinging noise] Thirty words 'cause you're a nerd, I'm first to third, it's absurd to think that you heard...
Critic: Sweet candy-coated Jesus! Wonder Bread eaten by a conservative congressman in the middle of a snowstorm isn't this white!

Suburban CommandoEdit

[As Charlie and Shep are having an argument]
Critic: And then Charlie says probably one of my favorite out-of-context lines of all time...
Charlie Wilcox: Christ! I was frozen today!
Critic: [laughs] I friggin' LOVE that line. Let me hear it again.
Charlie: I was frozen today!
Critic: [laughs again] Just out of nowhere! The next time you're in the middle of an argument with someone, just say it! Just say it out of nowhere. For example, you'll be like... [cut to Critic sitting down, arguing with another Critic standing up]
Critic 1: Don't act like you know what I'm going through. You have no idea what I'm going through!
Critic 2: Well, don't act like you're king of the universe all the time!
Critic 1: I worked very hard to get where I am!
Critic 2: "Hard work"! You have no idea what hard work is!
Critic 1: I WAS FROZEN TODAY! [Critic 2 stares awkwardly at Critic 1 while slowly backing out of the room, closing the door]
Critic: Say it at parties, family get-togethers, whatever. Just sit back and enjoy some of the most awkward expressions you've ever seen in your entire life. [he gives a thumbs up as the line appears on screen and is repeated one more time]

The Next Karate KidEdit

[as Mr. Miyagi is standing in the next room]
Julie's Grandmother: I want you to talk to him.
Julie: You invited him here -- you talk to him.
Julie's Grandmother: [as Julie is storming outside] Where are you going? SUSAN! [awkward silence]
Julie: My name is Julie! My mother's name was Susan! She was killed in a car accident with my father and they're both dead!
[Cut to the Critic now wearing a tuxedo and holding a card as a drumroll is heard off-screen]
Nostalgia Critic: And the award for "Worst Exposition Ever to be Uttered in a Movie" is... [reads the card] ...The Next Karate Kid! [claps along with sound of applause] You suck! I mean... WOW! That was just painful! How much more forced could you possibly get?
[the scene is repeated, then followed by a scene from Spaceballs]
Dark Helmet: [breaking the fourth wall and addressing the audience] Everybody got that?

CasperEdit

Critic: Welcome to this special Halloween episode, where we're gonna look at something really scary: ghosts! Creepy, spooky, terrifying, bone-chilling, friendly, big-eyed, round-faced, happiest little dimples you've ever seen in your... Wait a minute. That's Casper! He's not scary! He just sucks! Come on! Let's see some really scary ghosts.
[Casper, who is wearing a deep frown, emerges out of the wall.]
Casper: Oh, yeah?
Critic: Oh, hey! It's Casper! Hey, Casper. How're you doing...? [POW!]
Casper: I'm not friendly all the time, dipshit!
Critic: Casper, did you, did you just punch me?
Casper: No... This is punching! [POW! POW! POW!]
Critic: Casper, why are you being so cruel?
Casper: I'm tired of being a friendly ghost, never being able to scare anybody. I figured the only way to truly scare people is to force them to watch my only cinematic release, Casper!
Critic (voiceover): Yeah. But to be fair, the only reason that this movie is scary is because it's so bad. It has dozen pointless cameos, dozen pointless plotlines, and dozen pointless puns!
Casper: Hey, you want a scary movie this Halloween? This is what you get!
Critic: Alright. Well, let's take a look at Casper.
[Casper starts his evil laugh. Lightning strikes and thunder rolls. NC glares at him with a very strange look. Casper stops to laugh.]
Casper: Fuck you.

Critic: So through a kind of secret message, they figure out there's some sort of treasure buried inside the house, and thus they go inside to investigate.
Carrigan: What a dump.
Dibs: It's a bit spooky.
Carrigan: Dibs... [motions to his hand in a cast, which is now on fire from the lighter he was using]
Dibs: NAAH! AHH! AHH! AHH! [quickly stamps out the fire with his other hand]
Critic:: [stonefaced] That's not funny.
"Casper": Oh please! You wouldn't know what funny is!
Critic: No, I think I would...
"Casper": Oh please! Do you know what the pure essence of all comedy is?
Critic: So they go into the house when they're suddenly greeted by—
"Casper": [flying towards the camera and smiling] Timing!
Critic: ...When they are suddenly greeted by a stranger. Take you guess who this is.
Casper: Hi! I'm Casper!
[Dibs and Carrigan scream.]
Casper: You shouldn't do that or you'll wake up... (rumbling) Too late.
[Howling, muttering and shrieking can be heard as we see three ghosts starting to appear by forming a tornado.]
Critic: Great! You opened the pits of Hell. I hope you're happy.
[Carrigan and Dibs keep screaming. A scene of Pinhead from Hellraiser approaching is shown briefly.]
Pinhead: Time to play.

Superman IVEdit

[The review begins with Linkara in place of the Critic and sporting the former's trademark hat, tie and jacket]
Linkara: Did you know that the Superman films have a parallel history to the Batman movies? Superman: The Movie was the first attempt to portray Superman in a serious light. The tagline was "You'll believe a man can fly", and that's exactly what director Richard Donner intended to do: convince an audience that the man they were seeing on screen could actually fly. But the price of this idea came too high for its producers, so Donner was booted off the franchise during Superman IIs production and replaced with Richard Lester. In Superman III, more emphasis was put on comedy and Richard Pryor was even brought in, and boy did it suck balls! But not nearly as much as the cinematic abomination I have to view today. Welcome to Superman IV: The Quest for Peace, where we learn that wars aren't caused by differing ideologies, power-hungry dictators or economic necessity. Nooo! It's all because of nuclear weapons! Just nuclear weapons and the eeevil people who profit from them! And boy, am I not looking forward to this one bit— [he's interrupted by static and the Critic appears at his desk, stone-faced and unimpressed] Oh, uh, uh hi, Nostalgia Critic! [back to the Critic, still staring at him] Oh, I, uh [laughs nervously and starts removing his hat and tie] bet you're wondering what I'm doin' here... [back to the Critic, still staring] Well see, the thing is that I review comic books and you review movies and I figured if I was gonna review a comic book movie— [The Critic slowly raises his gun and readies it to fire] Yeah, I'll just uh, quit right here...
Critic: Oh no you don't! You started this dumbass review -- we're gonna finish it! But first, get outta those clothes! fFires the gun, nearly hitting Linkara where he's sitting]
Linkara: What the...?! How did you—
Critic: OUT!
Linkara: I'm goin'! I'm goin'!
Critic: Good. [puts his gun down] So let's go ahead and review... [thinks for a moment] What are we reviewing again? [the movie's title screen appears] Aww, fuck donkeys!

Linkara: [as Superman stands before the United Nations] Oh God, it's this scene.
Critic: What? What's the matter with it?
Linkara: Just watch.
Superman: For many years now I've lived among you as a visitor. As of today, I'm not a visitor any more. I can't stand idly by and watch as you stumble into the madness of possible nuclear destruction. And so I've come to a decision. Effective immediately, I'm going to rid our planet of all nuclear weapons. [the entire UN audience bursts out in applause. Critic stares in shock at the screen, while Linkara has a disgusted look on his face]
Critic: Did Superman just say he's going to rid the world of nuclear weapons by himself... whether the governments are unwilling to or not?
Linkara: Mmhmmm.
Critic: And everyone's...okay with this?
Linkara: They are, Critic. Which means that it's time to play... INTERNATIONAL POLITICS! [a flashing logo of "International Politics" comes on screen with game show music, while the Critic looks around in confusion] All right Nostalgia Critic! You're Israel, you're surrounded on all sides by enemies who would happily see you wiped off the map. However, the only thing keeping them at bay is your nuclear arsenal. Now Superman comes along and says that he's going to take that arsenal away. Whaddaya do?!
Critic: Uhh, um - tell him to hump my ass? [a buzzer goes off]
Linkara: Oh I'm sorry, Critic! The correct answer was "applaud wildly"!
Critic: Dammit!
Linkara: Next question, and this one's for the game. [Critic makes determined expressions] You're the Soviet Union. You're engaged in a cold war against the United States, and the fear of mutually assured destruction via nuclear weapons is the only thing keeping you and the US from engaging each other in combat with conventional weapons. Suddenly Superman comes along and says that he's going to take away all your nuclear weapons. Whaddaya do?!
Critic: Oh! I know, I know! Applaud wildly! [a bell dings rapidly]
Linkara: That is correct! [celebratory music plays as the Critic laughs excitedly] You win the grand prize, Critic! You get to continue watching this crap!
Critic: Dammit!

Superman: And there will be peace. There will be peace when the people of the world want it so badly that their governments will have no choice but to give it to them.
Critic and Linkara: Oooohhhhhh!
Critic: I see! We just didn't want peace hard enough.
Linkara: Of course! It all makes sense: peace doesn't come about through economic interdependence and the spread of similar ideals. It's just wanting it!
Nostalgia Critic: [laughs] Yeah... [long, awkward pause as the camera pans between Linkara and Critic once each] WHAT A FUCKING LOAD!!
Linkara: This movie SUCKS!
Critic: Its morals are bullshit, its plot is half thrown together, and physics take a back seat to mediocre special effects that you're more likely to see in one of Linkara's videos!
Linkara: HEY!
Critic: Get over it, ya comic geek -- your special effects suck!
Linkara: Bat Credit Card!
Nostalgia Critic: A BAT CREDIT CARD?! [he starts shouting angry gibberish while shooting with his gun randomly]
Linkara: He's the Nostalgia Critic! He remembers it, so you don't have to!

CongoEdit

Critic: [communicating via a series of ape-like grunts and gestures] Sometimes it's best to do things as animalistic as possible. For example, if I threw my own feces at the movie I'm reviewing today... you'd consider it an upgrade. What movie could cause such an outburst of beastly behavior? [the movie's title screen is shown, and the Critic starts shrieking and frantically waving his arms] Horrible writing! Lousy acting! Crappy directing! And ape costumes so bad they make Roddy McDowall look like an endangered species. [he reverts to his usual self] So let's take a look!

Critic: [singing a song about how much he hates the movie to make it sound like Circle of Life from The Lion King] NYAAAAAAAH! THIS MOVIE SUCKS! You should get a refund! Go see Toy Story next time, it's in the theater next door.

Critic: The film begins with the master of modern-day B movies himself Bruce Campbell, who is so cool that every time someone mentions his name, a man is cured of impotence.
Charles Travis: [while holding an exotic-looking gun] Johnny on the spot phasic laser.
Critic: [as Campbell] Nyah, I just shit this outta my ass. I shit guns, that's how cool I am! [Charles fires it, which produces an intense laser and the Critic returns to reviewing] So he's talking to a member of the CIA who also happens to be his fiancée named Karen played by Laura Linney, who very rarely turns in a bad performance. [subtitles appear on the screen that say "This is one of those rarities"] They're looking for some sort of rare diamond that apparently can charge their laser guns to the nth degree.
Karen Ross: I read you, Charles.
Charles Travis: Well, eureka and all that. I found the bloody thing. [Charles' surroundings shake, and Campbell does an unconvincing lurch to simulate this]
Karen Ross: What was that?
Nostalgia Critic: [as Campbell] Hokey acting. It's okay, I make a living out of it. [back to reviewing] They're under the orders of Joe Don Baker, who quite frankly has a lot of other bad movies he could be starring in...
Joel, Servo and Crow: [from MST3K] Mitchell!

Siskel and EbertEdit

[Showing a clip of Gene Siskel and Roger Ebert between takes of a promo they were shooting]
Critic: But at least they could agree on one thing: they both fucking hate Protestants.
Roger Ebert: Goddamn Protestants, the biggest thing that happens for them on Sunday is a bake sale.
Gene Siskel: No, they gotta decide what color yellow tie to fucking buy.
[Cut to the Critic, jaw dropped and horrified by what he's hearing]
Roger Ebert: That's right, the only fucking religion that has a Reader's Digest as a prayer book.
Nostalgia Critic: I would just like to point out that, um, not all critics are prejudiced against certain religions. I, for example, am only prejudiced against these: [a very long list of various religions is quickly scrolled across the middle of the screen] Especially the middle one.

Judge DreddEdit

Critic: So Fargo takes the questionable plot device of the long walk as Dredd is sentenced to life imprisonment.
Judge Griffin: Let the betrayer of the Law be taken from our courts! Let his armor be taken from him...
Critic: Geesh, guy!
Judge Griffin: ...and all his garb of justice! Let him be stricken from our hearts and our memories... forever!
Critic: [as Griffin] May his nostrils be plucked with sheer disappointment! May the Butt Plug of Shame be shoved up his ass! [now back to reviewing] And of course Fargo goes for that idiotic long walk. [Fargo is escorted out of the city, and a large door is slowly closed behind him]
Critic: [as Fargo] Wait, I forgot my iPod! [door closes and Fargo looks out on to a far-reaching desert] Oh well, I guess it's just me and a lifetime of loneliness... [long pause, then begins singing] One hundred bottles of beer on the wall, one hundred bottles of beer! Ya take one down, pass it around...

Holiday ClusterfuckEdit

Critic: Well, it's that time of the year again, and for some reason, people get angry and stressed out. But why? We have Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas, three of the best holidays of all time. But why is it that people get this negative feeling, this bad churning in their stomach that they can't avoid? Well, I think I have the answer. And I'm going to tell you. In song.
[he grabs a bamboo cane and dons a top hat as music starts to play.]
It's the holiday clusterfuck, holiday clusterfuck,
Citizens gather together to run amok.
Bucks flying ev'rywhere; folks pulling out their hair;
People are waving while paying with great despair.
If we don't fill winter with dollar bills, then your depression peaks on top...
We'd rather have stress than to be real depressed, so we all shop until we drop.
Malls crowded ev'ryplace; nowhere a parking space;
Ev'ryone's screaming "Get your ass out of my face!"
Buying kids cheap costumes; lines in all the bathrooms;
Paying a fortune (Extortions now in full bloom!)
People are shoving while claiming they're loving that holiday joy they feeel,
And your kids feel that joy if you buy the right toy, so better keep your eyes peeled.
Holiday clusterfuck, holiday clusterfuck,
Citizens gather together to run amok.
Antiques and Christmas cups; Suicide rates go up;
Kids whining, "Buy me a robotic psycho-pup!"
Holidays jumble, three months is a bundle to handle with grace and ease,
We must make a living, so piss off, Thanksgiving, and jump straight to Christmas please.
Going, going and gone. Change decorations out on your front lawn.
Losing that magical touch, seeing your inlaws three times is too much.
Trick or treat, Merry Christmas; Going to church for your annual Mass;
Kwanzaa, Hannukah too; Best get it right; someone's liable to suuue.
Holiday clusterfuck, holiday cluster fuck,
Millions of billions find they're just shit out of luck.
Visiting Santa's crib; lying straight to your kid.
Pray they don't need therapy for your tiny fib.
This shit comes earlier seem almost ev'ry year, making us spend awaaay;
Christmas if we voted should not be promoted right after Saint Patrick's Day.
Christmas and Halloween; Thanksgiving's in between;
Putting on more weight than Shamu on Lean Cuisine.
Snow falling ev'rywhere; Traffic's a real nightmare;
Can't wait for summer; a bummer we're kinda scared.
Emotions flying; our patience is dying; What happened to all our cheeeer?
We whisk money away until Valentine's Day. Thank God it's just once a year.
Holiday TV specials, watching Santa Claus and Jesus wrestle;
Sending out Christmas cards too, wishing good cheer to folks you hardly kneeew...
It's the holidaaaaay!
The HolidaaaaaaaaY!
Holiday Clusterfuck, Holiday Clusterfuck
When did this time of year full of cheer start to suck?
Someone cut us a break! Help us for heaven's sake!
We're frowning while drowning. (Please god, no more fruitcake!)
It lasts a while so put on your smile. Don't let them know how you feeel.
We all have to fake it so shut up and take it, and chow on your Christmas meal.
It's the holidaaaaay,
The Holidaaaaaaay,
Clus-ter-fuuuuuuck!
[Victoria then pulls out a pistol and shoots herself in the head. The Critic then looks around and then runs away but then runs back to steal the money out of her wallet].

Tank GirlEdit

[The Critic's reaction to, Rebecca, the protagonist, being locked in a freezer]
Critic: Well, I never thought I'd use it in a way that would make sense, but-
Charlie Wilcox: I was frozen today!

[Critic reacts with utter revulsion to the movie's inexplicable musical number]

Critic: Alright. I hate this movie so much, and this scene in particular, that I'm willing to go so far as to show pictures of starving children that we could've saved with the money used on this picture. [a small montage of clips from the musical number is interspersed by pictures of variously impoverished and sad children] That really fucking makes you think.
Announcer: [in a take-off of the infamous Big Lipped Alligator Moment, complete with altered logo] BIG LIPPED STARVING CHILDREN MOMENT!

Critic: Yeah, so it turns out the Rippers are giant kangaroos. Sounds like something Willy Wonka would create when he's completely drunk. And one of them, if you can believe it, is actually played by rapper Ice-T.
T-Saint: Let 'em go? They're spies! I'ma kill 'em myself!
Critic: In fact, how did getting him to sign on for this movie work, exactly? Did he really just think this was the role of a lifetime for him? [as an agent] Alright, Ice-T, I know you've got a lot of projects in the works, but just listen to this movie role. [as Ice-T] Yeah, OK. [as the agent] [long pause] You're a kangaroo- [as Ice-T] FUCK YEAH! [picture of Ice-T shows up with a subtitle saying "We got T!" with ta-da music.]

Jack FrostEdit

Critic: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Christmas. I Christmas, so Christmas Christmas. [pause] CHRISTMAS!! [he snaps his fingers, and the backdrop magically changes to a snow-covered house while the Critic gets a cane and lip-syncs the first line of It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year] I love Christmas! To me, there's only two times of the year: "Christmas," and "Fuck you! When the hell is Christmas?!"

[As the Jack Frost Band is singing their rendition of "Frosty the Snowman" to a packed house]
Critic: They're really trying to pass this off as hardcore rock? What other kids songs do you think are given the "Jack Frost" treatment? [Cut to the Critic air-drumming and the famous guitar riff from "Bad to the Bone" playing] I'm a little tea pot short and stout! [guitar riff] Here's my handle, here's my spout! [guitar riff] When I get all steamed up, hear me shout! [guitar riff] Pour me over, tip me out -- hail Satan! [song continues while the Critic headbangs and makes the sign of the horns]

He-Man and She-Ra Christmas SpecialEdit

[After Adam becomes He-Man, he runs past She-Ra]
Critic: Hey, sis, I have the power.
She-Ra: I've got a feeling my brother may need some help.
Critic: [snickers] I love how the transformations aren't even a big deal anymore. She could be doing the dishes like [imitates She-Ra] Oh hey, He-Man, when you get a chance, could you go-
He-Man: [off screen] I HAVE THE POWER!!
Critic: [imitating She-Ra] OK, never mind.

[After hearing that Orko may never be able to return to Eternia from Earth]
Man-At-Arms: No, Teela! My transport beam might do it. The problem is it needs a carium water crystal to power it and there are none here on Eternia.
Critic: Uh-huh. OK, let me just tell you what they're really saying: [now imitating Man-At-Arms] "You see, my 'Insert Techno Babble Here' might solve it, but we need a 'Random Technical Plot Point Thingy' in order to make it work." [imitating Adora] "I'll find one." [imitating Man-At-Arms] "Good! Bring me a present when you get back." Been there, done that, next scene.

[After Hordak shoots down the ship carrying Skeletor and the two children]
Skeletor: Get moving, you two! We have a long walk ahead of us.
Miguel: Please, mister! Be nice! I-It's Christmastime!
Skeletor: Christmastime?
Rob Walker [imitating Skeletor]: Christmastime? I'm Jewish! I get eight candles, a dreidel and a new pair of slacks every year! I'll be as fucking grouchy as I please, you little Hitler youths! Now move it!
Skeletor: Now get moving, you two, before Hordak comes back!
Miguel: We're so cold!
Skeletor: Oh, blast it! [uses his magic staff to create a pair of warm coats for the children to wear]
Critic: Now that makes you ponder, doesn't it? Why would Skeletor add a coat-creating device on his evil magic wand? [now imitating Skeletor] "My wand can do anything! It can kill people, destroy cities and make fashionable fur coats!" [imitating a random henchman] "But why?" [imitating Skeletor] "'Why? Why?!' What if it gets cold? People need to keep their body heat at a neutral level! It also makes the little umbrellas that you put at the top of drinks!" [imitating the henchman] "Why does it do that?" [imitating Skeletor] "Have you ever had a piña colada without one of those little umbrellas on top? It's depressing! Nobody should be subjected to that kind of evil!" [imitating the henchman] "Oh..." [imitating Skeletor] "I AM SKELETOR!"

Christmas List Top 11Edit

Critic: [finishing up the Top 11 countdown] And that's my top ele- [a sound that sounds like Yoda's laughter is heard off camera] Okay, what are you laughing at? What's so funny? What, is it the Star Wars Christmas Special thing? Is that it? It's not that funny, okay? It doesn't exist anyway! You hear me? It doesn't exi- [he is interrupted by the doorbell ringing]) Excuse me one moment. [walks off camera] Hello? A package for me? Well, okay. Thanks. [sound of a Wookie roaring is heard. The Critic walks back on camera and sits.] What a weird looking mailman. Well, apparently, I got a package in the mail. Lets see what it is. [opens it to find a DVD case marked "The Star Wars Christmas Special!". He drops it and yelps in shock. The Darth Vader Theme plays as he looks again and picks it up.] No, that's not true. That's impossible!
Darth Vader: Search your feelings. You know it to be true.
Critic: NOOOO!!!
Emperor Palpatine: You have paid the price for your lack of vision.
Critic: Please! Anything but this! I can't do it, I CAN'T do it! [clips of various Star Wars characters begin laughing] NOOOOOO!!
Darth Vader: [as the end screen comes up] We would be honored if you would join us.

Star Wars Holiday SpecialEdit

Critic: The rumors were true, people. In 1978, an actual Christmas special was released under the Star Wars name. And it's not like they just got some of the supporting actors to be in it, no, they got the whole friggin' cast: Harrison Ford, Carrie Fisher, James Earl Jones, the works. And not only that, it has guest stars like Art Carney, Harvey Korman and Bea Arthur, because like most people when you think Star Wars, you fucking think "Bea Arthur". This special has never re-aired, and to this day George Lucas has apparently gone out of his way to make sure that nobody sees it. So just to recap, this is the guy who said [shows picture of Jar-Jar Binks] this is OK and [shows poster of Howard the Duck] this is OK, which means this is the project that he was personally ashamed of. [beat] I'm gonna go over that again: [shows picture of Jar-Jar Binks] OK, [shows poster of Howard the Duck] OK, [shows picture of The Star Wars Holiday Special] personally ashamed of. There are not enough toilets in the world to contain the amount of shit-spewing fear that I am going through right now.

[After Santa Christ wipes the memory of the Holiday Special from the Critic's mind, a song is sung to the tune of "The First Noel"]
Santa Christ, Santa Christ, we all love Santa Christ
He is Santa and Jesus, goddamn, it's Santa Christ
He atoned for all our sins, but he also likes pancakes
He saved puppies from a fire, and he also likes pancakes
He played bass for Aerosmith, reads to sick orphans too
He goes surfing in space and makes really good fondue
He shoots lasers from his eyes, mend your curtains for free
He'll fight monsters for fun and hang out with Mr. T
Santa Christ, Santa Christ, Santa Christ, Santa Christ
You are the best and we love you, Santa Christ

Ernest Saves ChristmasEdit

[as Ernest and Santa make conversation in his taxi, he opens his glove box to reveal a bumper sticker inside]
Critic: Wait a minute, what did that bumper sticker say? [the video pauses, showing that it says "Keep Christ in Christmas"] So Ernest wants to keep the "Christ" in "Christmas" even though he's in a movie about Santa Claus? Yeah, hold on a second. [whips out his cell phone, dials a number and waits a few seconds before a voice speaks up on the other end]
The Movie: This is the movie.
Critic: HELLOOOOOOOOOOOOO?!