The Nostalgia Critic/Season 9

The Happening

Elliot Moore: Jake? You don't have an opinion? You should be more interested in science, Jake. You know why?

Nostalgia Critic: It'll make you talk like Luke Skywalker if his whiny-ness levels were pushed to 20?

Elliot: Because your face is perfect. If you were interested in science, you would know facts, like the human nose and ears grow a fraction of an inch every year. So a perfect balance of features now might not look so perfect five years from now. Take an interest in science.

Nostalgia Critic: Yes. Take an interest in science after I literally insulted your face! Hey, Suzie? You interested in science? Well, that's because you're a slut! In typical Shyamalan style, Jake comes up with the laziest answer worded in a way that's trying to sound important.

Jake: An act of nature and we'll never fully understand it.

Nostalgia Critic: And that's how you got a D in this class, kid.

Elliot: Nice answer, Jake.

Nostalgia Critic: ...Or "Nice answer, Jake".

Elliot: Science will come up with some reason to put in the books. We will fail to acknowledge that there are forces at work beyond our understanding.

Nostalgia Critic: Yeah, great science teacher there. Something, something, something...magic. Like all great scholars, he acknowledges that science is just a temporary solution for the real answer, which is just shrugging our arms saying, "Pfft. I don't know."

Malcom: [speaking high pitched] There are over 600 varieties of ORANGES!

Nostalgia Critic: So Wahlberg's gang gets a ride with a guy who runs a plant nursery poorly located next to a nuclear power plant. Why do I get the feeling this is all streaming from there?

Homer Simpson: D'oh! Mr. Burns, I'm afraid I caused the Happening!

Mr. Burns: Simpson, you idiot! Now we're trapped in an M. Night Shymolian film! And not one of the good ones! Either of them! [chuckles]

Nostalgia Critic: So everybody tries to figure out where to go next.

Man: If we go west, we'll hit a county called Arendale. Dirt roads. Hardly anybody lives out there.

Nostalgia Critic: They'll sing a song so much, you'll want to stab your ears out with an ICE PICK, but aside from that, they're cool.

Elliot: Oh no!

Alma: What "oh no"?

Elliot: The toxin?

Nostalgia Critic: [sighs] Why do you say things like you're on a kid's show where the kids are supposed to answer back?

[an animated Ellliot Moore is shown on screen with kid themed music playing in the background]

Cartoon Elliot Moore: Look, I don't know if you guys have heard about this article in the New York Times about honeybees vanishing? ... Nice answer. Filbert? Does anybody know where that is? ... That's right. The toxin? ... What? No!

Nostalgia Critic: Well, this place obviously seems safe, as they spend the night, but slowly realize she may not be all there herself.

Mrs. Jones: [confronting Elliot] I hear you whispering! Thinking of stealing something?

Elliot: No ma'am, we're not.

Mrs. Jones: Plan on murdering me in my sleep?

Elliot: What? No.

Nostalgia Critic: ...I'm not even gonna critique this scene. It's brought...so much joy and laughter from how famous it is, that it'd be a sin to critique this scene... But I'm gonna do this for shits and giggles

[clip replays]

Elliot: What?

[clip from Revenge of the Sith is immediately inserted]

Darth Vader: NO!

Nostalgia Critic: It needed to be done. ...Well actually, no it didn't, but that's what makes it even better!

Lady in the Water

[The opening takes place in 2006, with directors Peyton Reed, Chris Miller, Phil Lord and Jennifer Lee are all playing poker.]

Miller: [laying down a straight and collecting his chips] Ha ha. Everything is awesome.

Reed: Well done, Chris Miller, well done.

Miller: Thank. you.

Lord: But, he's not the only one we should congratulate. Our own Jennifer Lee has gotten a job writing and directing at Disney.

Lee: Oh, it's nothing. Just the most famous studio in the world.

Miller: Well, I suppose now we can bring her in on our real gamble.

Lee: Wh-what gamble?

Reed: Oh, every time a new film maker comes along, we make an impossible dare to see if they can pull it off.

Lord: Yes. And they in turn make dares back.

Lee: [intrigued] Realllly?

Reed: And seeing how you're the newcomer with Disney, I bet you can't make an animated film that points out all the faults of the past Disney films, has two female heroes, one of them a queen...

Lord and Miller: Ooh.

Reed: And have her sing a song so popular, even boys will be singing it.

Lord and Miller: Ooo-ooh!

Lee: Okay. I like a challenge, especially in this demographic, ruled by 13-year-old boys...

Miller: They're always the most profitable.

Lee: But what about you, Mr. Peyton Reed?

Reed What about me?

Lee: If I achieve that, then you have to make a successful superhero movie where the hero shrinks down to the size of an ant.

Lord and Miller: Ooo-ooo-ooh!

Reed: [nervously] You know shrinking films are box office poison right now.

Lee: What's the matter? [throws a chip onto the table] Not taking my raise?

Lord and Miller: OOH! [both laugh]

Reed Oh, I'll call. [throws his own chips on the table] Not that Miller and Lord over there have the balls to do so.

Lord: Hey, we're just as ballsy as either of you.

Miller: Yeah.

Reed: Prove it.

Lord: [puts a handfull of their chips on the table] I bet that we can do a product placement movie so good that we can name the movie after the product, and nobody would care.

Miller: Yeah. And people would even be upset that it wasn't nominated for Best Animated Feature.

[Reed scoffs at that.]

M. Night Shyamalan: [off screen] Say...

[The other directors turn to where Shyamalan is sitting shuffling the cards.]

Shyamalan: Mind if... I play?

[The other directors react with a chorus of "No", "No no no", and "No!"]

Shyamalan: What. Why not?

Lee: You SUCK at this game, Shyamalan!

Reed: Yeah, what's this idea that you can make trees scary?

Shyamalan: Ah, that's later down the road. This idea is guaranteed to show you how talented I am.

Lee: Wait. Isn't this the one that Disney didn't understand, so you stormed out, even though they were gonna fund it anyway?

Miller: Who does that?!

Reed: Yes, I heard about this. You said Disney didn't respect individualism.

Shyamalan: They're a bunch of hacks who didn't realize my brilliance!

Lord: Yeah? What is this "brilliance"?

Shyamalan: All right. The main character is named Story.

Reed: Out!

Lee: Not happening.

Shyamalan: She's a ancient creature called a Narf.

Miller: Oh, honey, you can't do this.

Shyamalan: And she's being chased by Scrunts, but saved by Tartutics.

Lord: I heard a bum down the street shouting stuff like this.

Chester A. Bum: [off screen, faraway voice] Oh, c'mon. Even I'm not that high.

Shyamalan: I will show the world that I am so good that I can make something so silly absolutely amazing. I mean, what else could happen to this movie?

[The scene cuts to Nostalgia Critic at his desk, holding a DVD and about to begin his review.]

Nostalgia Critic: [really excited] Let's get this baby started.

Heep: I don't even know your name.

Story: My name is Story.

Nostalgia Critic: Oh, yes. You heard that correctly. It's that kind of movie. [voice-over] "I have two siblings, an older sister named Long Story and a younger sister named Short Story. I have a very honest mother we named True Story, an aging father named Old Story, a dead grandfather named Ghost Story, and for some reason, all of them remind me of my two pets, Cock-and-Bull Story." What I'm trying to say is, that name is stupid.

[Nostalgia Critic has shown how similar the name "narf" is to Pinky's catchphrase "narrf".]

Nostalgia Critic: I would give anything if the twist to this movie was that the entire time, it was Pinky and the Brain trying to take over the world. Literally, every single problem [with the story] would be fixed if they just did that twist. It's a Warner Brothers movie, make it happen!

Nostalgia Critic: So he [Heep] apparently can see the scrunt by walking backwards and looking in a mirror. Why? Because it's less complicated than doing jumping jacks and looking through a Fruit-Loop! Just get used to nothing being explained!

Nostalgia Critic: People, I know "The Happening" is fun, but where else can you see a narf outrunning a scrunt, with Paul Giamatti waving his leg and touching himself in front of two women, helped by a guy who can predict the future through crosswords who gave birth to a prophet who can read mythologies that are part of a complete breakfast, with a critic who dares call this all insane portrayed as the bad guy, with tree-hulks beating up grass stains with teeth while a giant eagle picks up a whispering tart whose only job was to tell a person to write a book, and the twist centers around a guy we saw only for two minutes in the opening? How can this not be a masterpiece of madness? Complete and total entertaining madness?

Labyrinth

[First lines]

Kid: [Played by Tamara Chambers and crying childishly] I DON'T WANT ANYTHING! MOM AND DAD SUCK!

Mom: Well, there's no doubt about it.

Dad: Our daughter is a twat!

[The Salesman, played by Malcolm Ray, warps in.]

Salesman: Tired of not being able to bring your child under control?

[The Kid continues whining on]

Dad: This is what the morning after pill is for, y'know.

Salesman: Well, fear not, for we have the perfect solution: Try 80's movies. The 80's were a time when all children's media wanted to do was scare the shit of you. And now you can bring their horrendous horrors to your home.

Dad: [To the Kid] Hey, honey, want to see cutie little mouses in The Secret of NIMH?

[Both Dad and the Kid cheer up as the dad puts the 80's movie on.]

Movie Narrator: My husband's dead, and my child is dying! Everything is trying to kill me, and my family's drowning to death! [Scream as the Kid is simply disturbed.]

Salesman: Think your kid's upset? Wait 'til she sees a decapitated woman chasing a little girl in Return to Oz.

[The Kid grows scared as she sees screaming and the Nom King's servants chanting]

Salesman: From Little Monsters to Witches to Something Wicked This Way Comes, 80's films try to scare life lessons into your child's nightmares, to the point where they can't even remember what those life lessons are.

Movie Narrator: ARTAX! NO!

[The Kid is scared shitless]

Mom: But can't we get in trouble for showing our kids that?

Salesman: No problem! Most 80's films have a PG rating. But that was back when it actually stood for something.

[Posters for Inside Out, Frozen, Kung Fu Panda and the Spongebob Movie are shown]

Salesman: Nowadays, it stands for 'Practically G'. So you can plead naïve innocence to your cruelty.

[The Salesman smirks, Mom and Dad toast in joy as the Kid is frightened more than ever!]

Movie Narrator: When I killed your brother, I TALKED! JUST! LIKE! THIISSSS!

[The Kid is sitting, scarred, in a corner.]

Kid: Death... And there's despair, sadness! 80's, no!

Mom: Will she ever socialize again?

Salesman: If she does, just show her Watership Down.

Mom and Dad: Thanks, 80's movies!

Dad: [Proudly] What made me a stronger human being will scar my kids for life.

Salesman: [Pause] It burns...

Title Card: 80's Movies - Making Modern Media Look Like Pussies for Generations.

[As Sarah continues journeying through the Labyrinth]

Nostalgia Critic: While that's going on, the Goblin King partakes in... What I can only describe as a Muppet Show musical starring David Bowie.

Jareth: [Singing] Dance, magic dance! Dance, magic dance!

Nostalgia Critic: The song is obviously the catchiest in the film, and the puppet work is great too. But let's be honest, the greatest puppet work is what's going on in David Bowie's pants.

[Zooms into Bowie's tights, so tight they're exposing his crotch!]

Nostalgia Critic: The jokes made from us about the ferret he was so kind enough to give a home between his legs are too many to count, in my opinion, I've already worked overtime for it! So, because of this, I am refusing to do my Top 10 David Bowie Dick Jokes for this review. It has to be Top 15.

[William Tell Overture Finale plays as the title "Top 15 David Bowie Dick Jokes" appears, in a countdown similar to what the Critic did in his 'North' review.]

15 - I've seen less stuff in a Thanksgiving turkey.

14 - Is that Gonzo's nose in your pants or you're just happy to see me?

13 - Someone's got a rocket in their pocket!

12 - If you have an erection that lasts more than four hours, you're probably David Bowie.

11 - You should've seen what the NC-17 got...

10 - Ground Control to Major Tom, GET OFF THE BLUE PILL!

9 - Major Tom to Ground Control, tell my wife I love her very much.

8 - Major Tom to Ground Control, I think my spaceship knows which way to go...

7 - It's the missing Muppet, Stiffy!

6 - You think that was puppeted by Frank Oz?

5 - I'm queuing up for The Prestige, want to see my Tesla Coil?

4 - [Clip from The Happening] You like Hot Dogs, don't you?

3 - Special delivery! Careful, big package...

2 - Any more tight and those pants will be thong!

Nostalgia Critic: And the Number 1 David Bowie Dick Joke is... Don't touch it, it's a Bowie Constrictor! PLAY ME OFF, PAUL!

[And, just like "North", Paul Schafer's band starts playing.]

Rock Face 1: Don't go on...

Rock Face 2: Go back while you still can...

Rock Face 3 [with Olmec's voice]: Legends of the Hidden Temple!

Nostalgia Critic: Oh, that's just Olmec. He always says that.

Spawn

[We start with the Critic being dragged out of nowhere into Hell, as he's suddenly greeted by Dollar Store Muppet (Exactly who you think it is...)]

Dollar Store Muppet: Nostalgia Critic! [The Critic ad-libs "WTF"] You will lead my army of Hell, YAY!

Nostalgia Critic: Me- But, why me!?

Dollar Store Muppet: [Dumbstruck] Oh, I don't know, your lack of leadership skills, your least interest in working with other people and, most importantly, the fact that you went out in such an embarrassing and easy way... This makes you the Devil's ultimate weapon, YAY!

Nostalgia Critic: Dude, you're not the Devil!

Dollar Store Muppet: [Upset] Wha- Uh, I AM SO THE DEVIL!

Nostalgia Critic: Buddy... I served with the Devil. I knew the Devil. The Devil is a friend of mine. You, sir, are no Devil.

[The Dollar Store Muppet fades away in flames as the REAL Devil shows up]

Satan: Sorry. I knew that didn't feel right...

Nostalgia Critic: Mr. 'Zebub, what is this, what's with this crazy plan and that fake Dollar Store Muppet!?

Satan: I just feel like I'm not as popular as I used to be, what with people thinking I spend my time in elevators and such... So, I've looked up what people considered to be a cool Devil, and everyone pointed to Spawn.

Nostalgia Critic: Wait - Did you look up the comic book or the movie?

Satan: [Beat] ...Movie?

Nostalgia Critic: DOH, you doofus, YOU PICKED THE WRONG ONE! That represents the original source material like Super Mario Brothers: The Movie represents the game! In fact, there's a petition to get an apology to John Leguizamo for both films!

Satan: Well, how was I supposed to know!?

Nostalgia Critic: You can tell just by looking at it!

[Title Card]

Nostalgia Critic: Based on the popular comic book series by Todd McFarlane, Spawn was made at the exact worst time it could've been made: Where the Internet would castrate this film for all inaccuracies to the source material, this was at a time when comic book movies weren't taken as seriously as they are now. How do I know this? Because it came out the exact same year as Batman & Robin! Yeah, that's the kind of "Dark Age" we're looking at, people - Prepare for Nine Circles of Suck!

Satan: So, this is what not to do, to be a cool Devil?

Nostalgia Critic: YES!

Satan: I better take notes... [Pulls out a very suspicious notebook with stickers and glitter, and the Critic notices] DON'T JUDGE ME!

[On Martin Sheen's character, Jason Wynn, whom promises a last job for the protagonist]

Nostalgia Critic: I mean, c'mon, you can trust a guy with scorpions on his ashtrays, an assistant whom carries tarantulas, and literally pictures of EXPLOSIONS on his wall! WHO DOES THIS!? Who goes that far out of their way for this kind of crap? Even Skeletor, who lives in a giant skull, is like...

Skeletor: Okay, you need to take it down a notch there, buddy...

[After Simmons ressurects as Spawn and remembers his memories]

Nostalgia Critic: So, he's told that when he died, five years ago, he was sent straight to Hell and... [The Hell, or whatever the director smoked called "Hell", is shown] Oh... I'm sorry, that's... That's a lot of lame...

Malebolgia: If you lead my army, you can see Wanda again!

Simmons: Yes, I will lead your army!

Malebolgia: Avenge your murder! Kill Jason Wynn!

['Zebub and the Critic just stare at the scene, one dumbstruck, one clearly disappointed]

Satan: So, this is not a good Hell?

Nostalgia Critic: That was really just asked? That was really just asked!? This is one of the lamest Hells ever designed! Not only does it look beyond fake for a big budget movie, not only is this some of the laziest layout work for something that can be creative in it's sleep, but this is the shittiest Devil ever! Literally, he looks a giant piece of shit! If someone sculpted a turd to look like a hyena with seaturtle dicks for ears, covered in Ron Weasley's pubes and the voice of Dr. Claw parading as the Lord of Darkness, I'd say "What are you smoking?", "Give me some." and "You're fired!". I'd call it a cheap CGI puppet, except it's not even a functioning puppet: The lips don't even move when he talks!

Malebolgia: [Talking when his mouth looks like it's yawning, or something] I put you on Earth to make sure Spawn keeps his end of the bargain!

Nostalgia Critic: This means that, technically, the Ninja Turtles' Christmas Special had better effects, because they at least made an attempt to have their lips move, this looks like Sauron's pet chihuahua! Even the logic doesn't make any sense - look what's said if Simmons fails in leading his army!

Malebolgia: If you fail me... You will DIE!

Nostalgia Critic: [Stutters in anger] HE'S ALREADY DEAD! HE'S IN HELL, where else can you go from there!? Is there a... Hell for Hell? Is it a place just like this, except the lights flicker and there's a leaking pipe!?

Satan: Actually, there is a Hell, for Hell.

Nostalgia Critic: [Surprised] Oh, really, what is it?

Narrator: NEXT ON TMZ...

Nostalgia Critic: [Impressed] Ooh, good choice...

Cats and Dogs

[First lines]

Nostalgia Critic: Hey, kids, you like cat videos? [Kids shout "Yay"] You like dog videos? [Kids shout "Yay" again] You wanna see a movie about them? [Kids boo this time] Well, too bad, that's what we got, EAT IT! EAT IT! [Shoves the "Cats & Dogs" DVD cover on the camera]

Nostalgia Critic: That's Tobey Maguire by the way as Lou, the main character. And as much as I love to imagine Maguire in pain, I have to admit, it's not much fun watching a dog get seriously injured. [plays a clip. Of Lou getting catapulted straight into a wall] I know it's effects and everything, but how much fun is it really to constantly see cute little doggies get pummeled into hard solid walls? Isn't that what...like sick kids watch?

[cut to two kids watching an Internet video, you can hear a dog barking in pain and cartoon sound effects]

Girl: Is that a dog's head getting smashed into a wall?

Boy: [enjoying the video] Uh-huh!

Girl: [getting more and more disturbed] Is that another dog falling from a window?

Boy: Yup!

Girl: Is that a-?

Boy: Yes!

Girl: Missing-?

Boy: YES!

Girl: From his-?!

Boy: YES!

Girl: WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!

Boy: It's okay! It's funny because it has cartoon sound effects!

Girl: I'm telling mom and dad that you're watching this!

Mom: [suddenly entering the room] All right kids, time to watch Cats and Dogs!

Dad: [taking a seat on the couch] It's rated PG, so we just have to tell you not to say the one swear word that they use in the movie!

[the movie starts playing, more sound effects are heard with dogs barking in pain, all family members except for the girl, who is absolutely horrified, are enjoying the film]

Mom: [holding a bottle of Vodka] It's funny, because it has cartoon sound effects.

Dad: By the way honey, what's for dinner?

Mom: You guys like hot dogs, right?

[Lou meets, for the first time, Secret Agent Butch, played by Alec Baldwin]

Butch: Yeah, humans can get a little emotional... You'll get used to it.

Nostalgia Critic: Ideal, casting Alec Baldwin to play a bitch...

[Suddenly, a whistle is heard as a flag is thrown at the Critic's lap]

Nostalgia Critic: Oh, COME ON! COME ON!

[An arbiter, played by Malcolm Ray, enters the scene]

Arbiter: Flag! During review, too easy a joke, replay last line. Critic has to say something nice about the movie!

[The Critic is upset and grabs a water flask as we suddenly see filming style and narration pretty much alike an NFL match]

Narrator 01: Man, this is a real tough break for the Critic!

Narrator 02: Oh, I hear you, Frank, but if you look at the replay [Replays the comment], he clearly took too obvious a stab at an easily, unlikeable actor.

Frank: Right you are, Dan!

Dan: Oh, and, it looks like he's gonna try and say something positive about the film...

Nostalgia Critic: ...at least it's not Santa Paws?

[The Arbiter gives the all clear]

Frank: And it is good, it worked! At least, now, the review can continue!

Nostalgia Critic: [after Ivy gives Lou a suggestive belly scratch] I don't like this R-rated cut for The Secret Life of Pets!

Butch: Son of my mom!

Nostalgia Critic: You were right not to laugh at that part. Let's bring out the more appropriate sign. [replaces a "laugh" sign with "Uncomfortable Amounts of Silent Judgement"] Much better.

[As the film concludes]

Nostalgia Critic: So, what the hell can I say about "Cats and Dogs"? It's from the same director of Son of the Mask... That explains a lot, doesn't it?

Phantom of the Opera (2004)

[while the Critic and Tim are laughing and making fun of Gerard Butler's singing]

The Fandumb: [played by the Critic, impersonating Butler. Sings] Innocent boy, this dumb whinny critic. What the fuck is your problem? Gerard never sang before this damn movie. And I think he sounds awesome.

Nostalgia Critic: [sings] This is the fault with these movies. Giving non-singers the spotlight. [cut to images of actors in musical films, such as Russell Crowe in Les Miserables, Pierce Brosnan in Mamma Mia, Cameron Diaz in that terrible remake of Annie, Johnny Depp in Sweeney Todd, Meryl Streep along with Julie Walters and Christine Baranski in Mamma Mia, Sacha Baron Cohen and Helena Bonham Carter in Les Miserables, Marlon Brando in Guys and Dolls and Clint Eastwood in Paint Your Wagon] Its best to have no celebrity. They'd at least sound right.

Beth: [sings] Angel of Stupid, this isn't working. Nothing will make us like it.

Nostalgia Critic: [sings] You are totally insane.

Nostalgia Critic and Beth: [they sing as the movie's Rotten Tomato website (its Tomatometer is 32%) is shown] Angel of Stupid, won't you admit it. [showing the bad reviews from the Rotten Tomatoes page] Schumacher made a bad flick.

The Fandumb: [sings] I am no Angel of Stupid. I am pure sexy and coolness.

[Beth, trance like, moves towards the mirror, but bangs into the door, looking confused]

The Fandumb: Um...open the door. [she moves the knob] Yeah, that's right, turn the knob. You've done this a million times. [she opens the door] Very good, push don't pull. That's a common mistake. Don't forget to close it behind you. You weren't raised in a barn. [she closes the door] There you go.

Horse: Hey! Ya gonna feed me or what!?

The Fandumb: Ugh, yes, yes. I will feed you soon.

Beth: Yeah, was that a horse. Did I just ride on a horse?

The Fandumb: Not that you cared! Do you know how hard it is to raise a horse in the sewer? But it was done in the movie, so I am bound to it.

Beth: Yeah, but it didn't make sense in the movie either. [showing actual snap shots from the movie of Christine on the horse as the Phantom leads her] The Phantom puts Christine on a horse and honest to God, horse in the sewers, and carries her for only like a few steps that I'm pretty sure she could have walked by herself.

The Fandumb: But wasn't it a magical couple of steps? Chicks dig horses, I read this.

Horse: [off-screen] Food!

The Fandumb: Shut up!

Beth: And on top of that, the horse is never seen again. He just disappears. Where does the Phantom keep a horse? Why does he keep a horse? How the hell did the horse attain the strength to carry a human being, if he breathed French raw sewage his entire life. Yeah, sure it was in "the book", but Andrew Lloyd Webber took a lot out for the musical version and this was just about the worst thing they could have put back into the movie.

The Fandumb: Well, have you ever considered the possibility that I'm giving the horse singing lessons too!?

Beth: What?

The Fandumb: Oh, yes. I teach horses very differently from how I teach women.

Beth: Oh! I was wondering why my singing never sounded like yours.

The Fandumb: I have also taught him the classic Phantom movie method of seduction. [to the Horse] Show her, buttercup.

Horse: But I need to exercise outside for muscular stability.

The Fandumb: Just do it!

Horse: Ugh, fine. [coughs. Begins singing] So soft, so smooth, this is sweet seduction. [Beth starts looking disturbed by this] I'm so great at pushing all your buttons. Let me blow your mind with these melodies sublime. [The Fandumb smiles and gives a thumbs up] I'm a sexy prince with all these cool-ass lines.

The Fandumb and the Horse: [sings] Take pleasure in the screeching of my pride.

Beth: [creeped out, pushes the Horse away] O..kay! I think you've got the wrong idea of what made the Phantom sexy.

The Fandumb: What do you mean?

Horse: Yeah, come on this is pretty hot.

[parodying the Masquerade at the Opera scene from the movie]

Cast: [sings] Metaphor! This whole song is only for Metaphor. Don't you see? 'Cause the Phantom wears a mask too. Metaphor! You've heard all this junk before. Metaphor! Its cliched, but we're acting like it's brand new.

Tim: Does anybody think its odd that we're singing about how colorful everything is and the only color is faded black and urine yellow? [showing snap shots from the Masquerade scene]

Beth: Hey, I'm just amazed at how lame that guy's red death mask is.

[the Fandumb stands awkwardly wearing an awful looking death mask from the film]

Nostalgia Critic: Hey, buddy! Nice dollar store costume! Red death is supposed to be like this extravagant outfit! [cut to images of the many red death costumes that were used in the musical and an image of Butler's mediocre costume from the movie] You look like Zorro the gay blade stunt double!

[they laugh]

Adventures of Pluto Nash

Batman v Superman

Nostalgia Critic: This is arguably the most anticipated comic book movie of all time, in that people have been waiting to see it even BEFORE it was announced. There had been several comics where Batman and Superman are together, as well as cartoons, but, despite there being tons of Batman and Superman movies, there had never been one with them together. However, with the Marvel crossovers proving to be exceptionally successful, DC felt it was time to throw their hat into the ring and use this as their means to start their own DC cinematic universe. Despite having a very strong opening, it's box office dropped a shocking 68% the following weekend. How bad is that? Batman & Robin second weekend had a 63% drop. Wow! That means more people went back to see that film rather than Batman v Superman... What the hell have you done, Zack!?

[On Lex Luthor, played by Jesse Eisenberg, who acts more like a pre-teen Joker rather than a evil corporate overlord]

Zack Snyder: Okay, so what's the problem? C'mon...

Nostalgia Critic: [stopping Angry Joe from lunging at Zack with his fist] First, Jesse Eisenberg. Second, if Superman took down military satellites trying to track him, why the hell didn't he take Zod's ship, A WEAPON FROM KRYPTON, away from them!?

Angry Joe: Third, Jesse Eisenberg. Fourth, there's no reason for Luthor to hate Superman here! In the comics and movies, Superman foils his evil plans constantly, so it makes sense to try to kill him. But in this movie, if anything, Lex Luthor benefits from Superman as he has contracts to rebuild everything that was destroyed! His motivations are completely backward!

Zack Snyder: Well, like everyone else, he's afraid of Superman's massive power and ability, to destroy.

Nostalgia Critic: [Aghast] HE MAKES DOOMSDAY LATER! That's like five Supermans with a fist for a brain!

Angry Joe: And what was the other thing?

Nostalgia Critic: Oh, yeah... [He and Joe in unison] JESSE EISENBERG! Whether you want to call him "Lex Luthor Jr.," or whatever, this is a BEYOND awkward peformance!

Angry Joe: Even at his corniest, Lex is a powerful, charming, diabolical mastermind! He always kept a cool attitude, a business-type mindset, and a suave, calculating demeanor.

Nostalgia Critic: This guy is more like Roger Rabbit if HE was a super villain!

Nostalgia Critic: We have a vague understanding of why Batman hates Superman, but there's really no reason Superman should hate Batman.

[Clark Kent and Bruce Wayne see each other at a party and confront one another, each grabbing the other's coat.]

Clark Kent: [through clenched teeth] So nice to meet you, Bruce Wayne.

Bruce Wayne: [through clenched teeth] The pleasure's all mine, Clark Kent.

Clark Kent: I hear Batman is trampling on civil liberties, making people live in fear, thinking he's above the law.

[Captions on the screen:]

SUPERMAN STATS

Trampled on Civil Liberties: 29,385

People Living in Fear of Him: 3.5 Billion

Time Working with the Law: 0

Bruce Wayne: I hear that Superman is powerfully dangerous, putting tons of people in harm's way, and if there's even a one percent chance that he's unstable, he must be destroyed.

[Captions on the screen:]

BATMAN STATS

Civilians Who think He's Powerfully Dangerous: 2.7 Million

People Harmed by Him: GOD KNOWS

Psychiatrists Who Say Dressing up as a Bat is WAY PAST 1% Unstable: 9,254,902,764

[Recurring joke]

Random Character: By the way, Wonder Woman's in this movie.

Wonder Woman: [Passing by and waving] Hello.

[later]

[Woner Woman passes by as Superman and Batman are about to confront Doomsday.}

Wonder Woman: [Passing by and waving] Hello. [Superman grabs her and pulls her beside them.] Oh, I can stay this time? Awesome.

Angry Joe: It gets even weirder when Batman is chasing down some criminals that have the Kryptonite, and Superman literally stops right him in his track for pretty much no reason!

[Superman lands in front of the Batmobile, bringing it to a dead stop]

Batman: Well, bye only weakness that can kill you.

Superman: I hate you.

Batman: Why?

Superman: Because you're a vigilante!

Batman: You're a vigilante! I hate you because you are responsible for a ton of deaths!

Superman: You're responsible for a ton of death!

Batman: That's ridiculous! I value human life much more than you ever will! [said as he shoots two people and runs one over with the Batmobile]

Superman: Just stop hypocritting where I'm hypocritting. Go back to Gotham. It's literally across the street!

Batman: Tell me something... Do you bleed? [Superman moves to punch Batman, before Batman flinches] Whoa whoa whoa, we're cool, we're cool!

Superman: Yeah, that's what I thought. Listen, detective, if I'm so bloodthirsty as you say I am, why haven't I killed you already?

Batman: Because I intimidate you? [Superman just looks confused] Boo? [Superman gives up and flies away] You never answered me. Do you bleed? You will!

Superman: [flies back] What did you say?!

Batman: [obviously intimidated] Nothing! Nothing! [Superman flies up, before landing on the Batmobile and smashing it] OH REAL MATURE!

Nostalgia Critic: [talking about Doomsday] In fact, wait a minute! Lex Luthor combining his DNA with Kryptonian DNA to create an uncontrollable monster?! That's Nuclear Man! OH MY GOD! ZACK SNYDER IS GETTING INSPIRATION FROM SUPERMAN IV! THE WORST SUPERMAN MOVIE EVER!

[Regarding Superman's death in the film]

Angry Joe: [angrily, pointing his finger at Zack, the background a wall of flames, Nostalgia Critic calmly watching] NO! Do you know what I wanna see?!

Zack Snyder: [terrified] No...

Angry Joe: I wanna see the Justice League at his funeral, but now I can't! I wanna see a hero slowly stripped of his life in the ultimate battle instead of just being stabbed in one swoop, but now I can't! I wanna build a connection with this Superman the same way he built a connection with me in hundreds of stories, but now I can't! I want to fear that this might be the time that Superman doesn't make it back. But now I can't! How many comics were there before Superman died?

Zack Snyder: I don't know!

Angry Joe: Hundreds! Thousands! And how many movies did you make with him?

Zack Snyder: Two.

Angry Joe: TWO! You killed him in two movies, and you barely even focused on him! You know what I wanna see?! I wanna see you earn Superman's death! This isn't fucking Jimmy Olsen, this is goddamn Superman! He deserves your time and respect!

[Joe, now a bit calmer, sits down. Zack Snyder is now cowering behind his desk.]

Nostalgia Critic: Ditto.

Nostalgia Critic: This movie is trying to be Marvel, The Dark Knight, Wonder Woman, Justice League, The Death of Superman AND Batman versus Superman, when Batman versus Superman would've been more than enough. The reason we love so many of the stories that you were trying to fit into this is because each one was its own individual story. The Death of Superman wasn't also a prequel to Suicide Squad or the re-telling of Dark Knight Returns! It focused on one story and allowed us to get invested. Sure, you have to compromise a story when it comes to making a movie, but, when you lose the heart and soul of what made that story so special, is it worth just squeezing in instead of devoting the time it deserves?

Zack Snyder: [Comes out from behind the desk] So... that's what you really think, huh? [Both Joe and the Critic nod] Well, I'm sorry that my movie didn't please you, at the least.

Nostalgia Critic: Oh, no, a lot of it was pretty awesome.

Zack Snyder: WHAT!?

Angry Joe: As much as so many of these scenes suck, there's a lot of scenes that are friggin' amazing! The action, the visuals, Affleck as Batman, Irons as Alfred, when it did certain parts of the comic right, it was a pretty kick-ass film.

Zack Snyder: So, wait, did you like it or not?

[Joe and the Critic stutter a bit]

Nostalgia Critic: I, uh, I mean, uh... It's not good...

Angry Joe: I am glad that I saw it.

Nostalgia Critic: If you're looking for Batman and Superman to fight each other, you'll get it, it's just not in a story that makes any sense.

Angry Joe: It's got a lot of cool scenes that are hard to say NOT to go check it out. So, in a strange way, I'm still recommending it.

Nostalgia Critic: I suppose that's all over the map, but, then again, your movie's all over the map, so I guess that comes full circle.

Blade

[The scene takes place in an office building. The on-screen caption says "1998".]

Marvel Executive 1: All right. With the recent popularity of "Blade", and your recent disappointment with... Steel...

DC Executive 2: I really thought Shaquille O'Neal was going to be the next Mark Wahlberg.

Marvel Executive 1: It just makes sense to discuss who will get what going forward.

DC Executive 1: Yeah, that dark stuff with "Blade" worked pretty well. We're gonna try some of that.

Marvel Executive 2: Nope. Our next seven movies are gonna be cashing in on the dark stuff. Destined to all be hits.

[A video slide shows posters for the Daredevil, Ghost Rider, Elektra, Nick Fury Agent of S.H.I.E.L.D, The Punisher, Hulk, and Man-Thing movies.]

DC Executive 2: But all we've got is, like, Heart-of-Crap coming up.

[Their video slide shows posters for Green Lantern, Catwoman, Superman Returns, and The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen.]

Marvel Executive 1: Well, that's why you have the Caped Crusader.

DC Executive 1: After BATMAN AND ROBIN?!?!

DC Executive 2: Nobody's gonna want to see a Batman movie in years!

Marvel Executive 1: Hey, we're switching it up, too. We have a colorful and corny Spider-Man movie coming out. From the director of "Evil Dead".

Marvel Executive 2: Yeah, it's probably not gonna break any records, but it's should be a huge hit with the kids.

DC Executive 1: Fine, I guess we'll do another Batman movie, even though there's no money in it.

DC Executive 2: Christ. Years from now, everyone's gonna associate Marvel with dark-and-gritty and DC with bright-and-playful.

DC Executive 1: Right.

Marvel Executive 1: Well, then there should be no problem signing this television contract. [Marvel Exec 2 passes over a contract to the DC execs.]

DC Executive 2: Wait, this is affecting our shows, too?

Marvel Executive 1: Oh, yes.

Marvel Executive 2: You see, all of your TV series will be upbeat and positive [A video slide showing Supergirl, The Flash, and Arrow.], while all of ours are going to be depressing and harsh. [A video slide showing Jessica Jones, Blade The Series, and Daredevil.] It'll make you want to kill yourself.

DC Executive 1: But what if we end up completely misunderstanding our audiences and we end up doing the exact opposite?

Marvel Executive 1: It's okay. Our animation departments will fill in the blanks. [A video slide showing Hulk and the Agents of S.M.A.S.H. , Guardians of the Galaxy, and Avengers Assemble cartoons.] We'll keep ours goofy and harmless while you keep yours complex and intriguing. [A video slide showing Batman: The Animated Series, Young Justice, Superman: The Animated Series, and Justice League cartoons.] With some exceptions. [A slide showing Teen Titans, Go!.]

DC Executive 2: But what if somehow DC's material for children ends up doing more adult work than our material for adults?

[The other executives burst out laughing.]

DC Executive 1: [mocking tone] Yeah. And they're gonna do a cartoon version of The Killing Joke with a hard "R" rating.

Marvel Executive 1: That was bizarrely specific.

DC Executive 1: Yeah. So, anything else?

Marvel Executive 2: One more thing. Are you sure you don't want any of your shows to be tied to this new Netflix format that's getting a lot of buzz?

DC Executive 1: Yeah. Like anything's gonna kill cable. No, you guys can handle that.

DC Executive 2: Besides, we don't want to be known as those guys that always copy Marvel.

Marvel Executive 1: That is a very valid point. So anything else?

Marvel Executive 2: Yeah, what are our plans in terms of comics?

DC Executive 1: [scoffs] Who gives a shit?

Marvel Executive 1: Yeah.

[As Blade hunts down a pretty barbecued Quinn at the hospital]

Blade: I came back to finish you off!

Nostalgia Critic: Yeah, this brings up a continuing question about the film: Blade, several times, is given opportunities to kill off this character, Quinn. But... he doesn't, resulting in tons of people either getting killed or maimed! Like, over and over and over! Why does he have such a hard time killing this guy off!?

[The Critic is seen with Blade's sunglasses, writing a diary with a romantical music background.]

Nostalgia Critic: Dear diary, I almost killed Quinn off this time, but when I've looked into his dreamy eyes, I knew... I was a Quinn-girl forever...

[On Blade's peculiar finishing one-liner]

Blade: Some motherfuckers are always tryin' to ice-skate uphill...

Nostalgia Critic: That is a really weird note to go out on. To this day, I can't figure out if that was really clever or one of the dumbest lines ever said by a comic book character. What do you think the other variations were?

[The Critic reprises the scene over and over, with the same tone as Blade.]

1. Some mother-truckers are always trying to put diesel in their SUVs.

2. Some peanut M&Ms are trying to melt in your hand, but not in your mouth.

3. Some sushi patrons are always trying to mix their soy sauce with wasabi!

4. Some fast-food lovers are always ordering Little Caesars without the Crazy Bread.

5. Some vacationers are always trying to go to Disney World at peak times, when it's obvious that in November to mid-December is the best time to go. I mean, seriously! Just bring a sweater and you'll be fine. And don't forget to take advantage of those hotel villages with free shuttle bus service. Full price for their monorail access resorts? I don't think so, Mouse!

[At the near ending of the movie, when Karen and Blade are back together]

Nostalgia Critic: So, we all know the drill - Blade and Karen kiss in a romantic embrace, even though they have very little in common...

Karen: I need to get back to the lab.

Blade: It's not over. There's still a war going on. And I have a job to do.

Nostalgia Critic: [Dumbstruck at first] Uh, I don't think you know how this works - He's a dude, you're a chick, you have to end up together, even if you have no chemistry, at all. It's, like, a law.

Blade: You want to help? Make me a better serum.

Nostalgia Critic: Wow. Really? They don't get together? There is such a thing as a man and a woman working together, in an action film, and they DON'T have to hook up? QUICKLY, TUMBLR, RE-WRITE THIS ENDING SO THAT NOT ONLY THEY GET TOGETHER, BUT THEY HAVE TWENTY CHILDREN, ALL WITH DIFFERENT SEXUAL IDENTITIES! If twenty sexual identities don't exist, MAKE THEM UP, YOU'RE GOOD AT THAT!

Spy Kids 3D: Game Over

Jem and the Holograms

Nostalgia Critic: The original Jem and the Holograms was a slightly dated '80s cartoon. Just slightly. It centered around a singer who led a double life, using technology from a supercomputer named Synergy to use holograms in her earrings to disguise herself. [shrugs] It was... It was Jem. Which is more than I can say for the movie. Not only did viewers freak when they saw that the trailer virtually had nothing to do with the original source material, but so few people saw it that it was pulled from theaters in literally two weeks. TWO WEEKS! That's faster than when we figured out Saddam Hussein might be a bad guy! It was ignored by the masses, panned by the critics, and despised by true fans of the original show.

Nostalgia Critic: So they're afraid the security cameras might spot them, but it's okay, because they put a video of a squirrel jet skiing on! And, it actually works!

Guard: Nolan, Robinson, check this out. It's a squirrel.

Nostalgia Critic: What are we doing? Not in the film or the story, just...what are we doing as a species?

Nostalgia Critic: You're probably wondering, outside of giving us an insultingly weak story and characters, explaining how to not be a corporate sell-out while being one of the biggest corporate sellouts of all time, and having virtually nothing to do with the show whatsoever, how can they possibly insult the fans even further? Well, you see... the makers of this movie actually offered the fans a chance to be in the movie. All they had to do is film themselves saying how much they love Jem, the cartoon. [Shows said footage] A good idea to get the buzz going, maybe play it in the end credits or something. But that's not what they do. They take the footage of the fans saying how much they love the cartoon... and they edit it to look like they're talking about the Jem from the movie. A movie nobody had seen by that point and has little to do with the show they love. But now, it looks like they're praising the hell out of it. [Shows said footage] Wow! That is low! Oh, you like the cartoon? You think she's truly outrageous? Well, this is what you were talking about the whole time! [shows footage from the movie] Yeah, yeah! This is Jem! You said it! [Shows said footage] Oh, you felt a strong emotional bond?! Well, it's not the cartoon, this is the Jem that you felt a strong, emotional bond for! This is like asking people to make videos saying why they love Star Wars, and then suddenly editing it to make it look like you're talking about The Phantom Menace! It's not just cruel; it's a slap in the friggin' face.

Scooby Doo 2: Monsters Unleashed

Nostalgia Critic: The film opens with a ray of hope as we see it's written by the director of Guardians of the Galaxy, James Gunn, but it's quickly dashed when we see it's directed by Raja Gosnell, which, as we all know, is the human incarnation of the phrase 'no refunds'. And, yes, all the same actors came back for this- Okay, you have no excuse, YOU KNOW HOW BAD THE FIRST FILM WAS!

[On Heather Jasper Howe, Alicia Silverstone's role]

Nostalgia Critic: She did it. Yeah, your literal first guess is right - Alicia Silverstone playing a pretty reporter in a Scooby Doo movie for seemingly no reason, at all! Who else could it possibly be!?

[Cuts to Peter Boyle, with dramatic music]

Nostalgia Critic: No, no, don't try to cut to a fake out, we know it's her! Why else would she act in career-ending final nail? She's not even holding the microphone up to the person she's interviewing! I've never seen someone so DESPERATE to be found guilty in my life!

Aggie: Hey, handsome!

Scooby: Hello, baby. [winks]

Nostalgia Critic: That alone should get an R rating!

[As Shaggy and Scooby are trying to solve the mystery on their own]

Nostalgia Critic: Speaking of which, they follow Boyle to an abandoned lab where they come across a bunch a various formulas.

Shaggy: Look at those weird ladders, Scoob...

[We see Scooby turned into a dog-octopus hybrid because of a formula he lapped at]

Scooby: Shaggy?

Nostalgia Critic: Oh, Christ, it's Weenie, the Tentacle Porn! Can things get anymore perverted?

[They do: Shaggy takes a formula which grants him, I'm not kidding, a woman's body!]

Nostalgia Critic: I WANNA GO HOME! Congratulations, movie, you gave Shaggy boobs! Was... this your goal, to give Shaggy boobs? Was that the whole reason for this film existing? The only time the words "Shaggy" and "Boobs" should go together is in a British Porno! And even then with a restraining order against Raja Gosnell!

Nostalgia Critic: Scooby and Shaggy come across the pirate ghost who breathes fire. But it's okay, because Scooby farts!

[As the Miner breathes fire at them, Scooby deflects it back by farting. The burned Miner falls]

Nostalgia Critic: And your kid has eaten his own brain! Congratulations! Your Red Box rental has taken a life!

Alvin & The Chipmunks

[Dave gets musical ideas from the Chipmunks' snoring]

Nostalgia Critic: Yeah, pretty sad when animals snoring can write a better melody than you can... Listen, I think I can hear my dog vomiting! [He does] OPERA!

Nostalgia Critic: Actually, to his credit, David Cross is one of the few genuinely funny things in this movie. He plays a music producer who clearly doesn't give a shit that he's in a Chipmunks movie. So he gives this delightfully passive aggressive performance.

[In the midst of the movie, Theodore has left the unthinkable...]

Dave: [Shocked] Theodore, did you just...

Simon: [Picks it up] It's a raisin, Dave.

Dave: Prove it. [He eats it, making a 'tasty' sound]

Dave: Where's Alvin? [Heads off] Alvin! [Simon spits out the 'raisin', then glances at Theodore]

Simon: You owe me, big time!

Nostalgia Critic: Chipmunks eating shit, THAT'S what I wanted to see! Isn't it what you wanted to see!? I paid good money to see Alvin and the Chipmunks eating shit- WHAT'S GOING ON IN THE OTHER FILM, RIGHT NOW!? [Clip from the cartoon movie] Oh, look at that, the Chipettes are battling sharks in Bermuda and the Chipmunks are almost eaten alive by crocodiles! What do we got in this movie? Chipmunks eating shit! Yes! Yes, yes, yes! Y'know, maybe marketing wanted to train kids into eating crap before actually selling it to them! The funny thing is, in the trailer, it's shown it's Alvin who eats the turd instead of Simon. That means Alvin must've been so pissed off at this scene that he refused to have it in the movie! [Plays an audio recording from the Set]

Alvin: [voiced by Doug] Fuck you, guys! No, fuck you guys all to hell! You want me, the star of the movie, to eat SHIT for you!? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU!? You can take this '2 Girls 1 Cup' bullcrap and shove it up your ass! You hear me!? Up your ass! Where it belongs, not in my mouth! No, no, you already tricked me into doing it for the trailer, you sick bastards, but I REALLY thought that was a Raisin! You lied to me! YOU LIED TO ME! You can ask my dick if you care, because I don't! Kiss my ass in Hell, you pathetic twat! [Hangs up]

Producer: [sigh] Okay, Simon, you're up.

Simon: [voiced by Doug] I... don't know if I'm comfortable with this. [The Producer hits him]

Producer: You don't get paid as much as Alvin! Do you wanna see what I can really do to ya!?

Simon: Proud to be eating shit for you, sir...

Ghostbusters (2016)

Wild Wild West

Nostalgia Critic: [In reference to Kevin Kline's horrible disguise in drag] Okay, does this western take place in progressive times or is that seriously supposed to fool us?

Nostalgia Critic: Comedy! That is what this was meant to be, right? This is one of the biggest high budget cinematic question marks. At least with most bad, unfunny films, you have an idea of what they were going for, and it just didn't work. This is like an anti-comedy; just scenes that happen and they're not really sure if they're funny, or, adventurous, or, dramatic, just as long as you're somehow suffering. The chemistry between the characters is non-existent, the effects are not very good, the jokes are uncomfortable at best, and the amount of dead air in between them could fill in the spaces between stars! And on top of all that, it's based on an idea that I'm sure is fine for its time and has a small audience, but clearly had no guarantee in any part of it; even with all the money and celebrities! To put this comedy simply, I just don't get it.

The 3rd Animated Titanic Movie

Nostalgia Critic: For those who don't know, years ago, I've reviewed an animated Titanic musical known as Titanic: The Legend Goes On. Not only was it an obvious rip-off of the James Cameron film, but it had racist singing mice, a forced happy ending, and a rapping dog. Yeah. A rapping dog on the Titanic. It was one of the most tasteless abominations ever! At least it was, until I found another animated Titanic musical called The Legend of Titanic! It had racist singing mice, a forced happy ending. But...no rapping dog. No, no, no, no, no. That was replaced with glove-sniffing fetish, sharks that escape from jail that sink the ship instead of an iceberg, and a giant puppy dog squid who puts the ship back together so that everyone can get out alive. Good chocolate-coated God! As if having two of these in existence wasn't enough for Skynet to wanna kill us, this last one actually got a sequel...because...sinking the Titanic was clearly just Part 1! The sequel's the one we're looking at today called In Search of the Titanic. Just when you thought things couldn't possibly get any stupider in a world that focuses on the sinking of the Titanic, what does this one throw in? Atlantis! Yeah. Titanic and Atlantis now exist in the same universe! Well, I guess it is the next logical step. It just keeps going in descending order. Titanic in Atlantis, Titanic in Space, Titanic Assignment Miami Beach, and, of course, Titanic in the Hood. The funny thing is, this wasn't even originally called that. It was originally called Tentacolino, the name of the puppy-pus in the last one, even though he's barely in it! But his name was changed from the Italian version to something more simple...whatever they choose to call him. Yeah, any of these. [A list showing the possible names of the character in the movie pops up: Otti? Ahchi? Oggi? Oddey? Aw-Gee?] And thus, it became a Titanic movie once again, meaning I have to review it. And believe it or not, it is actually, no joke, not kidding, even worse than the other two! Not one hint of sarcasm, this is the worst one!

Nostalgia Critic: So, the head of the sharks is told about the Simpson testicle, and he tells his minions to attack it. Why? His detailed reasoning will send shivers down your spine!

Razor Teeth: Are you sure it's yellow? I hate that color. I can't stand yellow!

Nostalgia Critic: Macbeth had the inner duality of acquiring power while holding on to his humanity. Ahab demonstrated how revenge can destroy others as well as yourself. This character hates yellow. If that brilliantly established motivation doesn't give you goosebumps, I weep for you!

The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle

Bullwinkle: Okay. I was just gettin' jiggy with it!

Nostalgia Critic: Don't they know every time a movie makes that reference, God's finger gets a little closer to smoting us?

Bullwinkle: I was just gettin' jiggy with it!

[The Earth is shown from space. A big, trembling hand with an index finger closes in on the planet]

Nostalgia Critic: You know, Rocky and Bullwinkle really need a pun scale, something to show which ones legitimately work and which ones are Hitler's ass scratchers.

[Rocky and Bullwinkle are shown flattened on the road]

Bullwinkle: This movie's getting kinda...

Rocky: Don't say it.

Bullwinkle: Two-dimensional.

[The pun's bad scale breaks hard]

Nostalgia Critic: Aw, great! There's no telling how low that pun will go!

Fearless Leader: Vote for Fearless Leader!

Everyone: [monotone] We will vote for Fearless Leader.

[Pictures of Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump appear as NC is confused who to joke about]

Nostalgia Critic: I...uh, either one works in this scenario.

Nostalgia Critic: And as kids' films go, this is fine. No classic or anything, but a solid C, C+. If you're not a fan of the original cartoon, you probably won't be a fan here. But if you have a soft spot for puns, good or bad, fourth wall jokes and kind of an awkward, yet still likeable charm, God help me, I actually think this is enjoyable enough to watch.

Dreamcatcher

Nostalgia Critic: But it looks like their hunter pal is sicker than they realized.

[The two see that the hunter has locked himself in the bathroom]

Hunter: Go away.

Beaver: Open the door or we have to break it down.

Hunter: Can't a man have some privacy?

Jonesy: Let's do it.

Beaver: I'm not all that absolutely positive I want to go in there.

Jonesy: What if he's dying? Scooby-Dooby-Doo, we've got some work to do now.

Nostalgia Critic: [surprised at that line] Well, now that you said that, I know you're serious. I mean, you'd have a stronger argument if you pointed out Flintstones were a modern Stone Age family, but nevertheless, strong words.

[The two break through the bathroom door to find the room covered in blood and the man sitting in the toilet, dead]

Nostalgia Critic [As Jonesy]: Whoa! Meet George Jetson! Thunder, Thunder, Thundercats! DuckTales, whoo-hoo!

[Beaver (Jason Lee) and Jonesy trap the weasel on the toilet, Beaver sitting on it to prevent it from coming out]

Beaver: Find the damn tape! Find the damn tape!

Nostalgia Critic: Man, I've never seen Jason Lee so terrified. What could be under there to scare him so much? [Quickly realizes] Oh, of course: Future Squeakels!

Alvin: Come on, Dave! Think of all the genres we could do with pun titles! A rap musical called 'Chip Hop'. A religious film called 'Holy Chip'! And of course the Halloween special 'Scared Chipless'! We're coming for you, Dave! The chip must flow! THE CHIP MUST FLOW!

Nostalgia Critic: So while the chip-weasel seems under control, he, no joke, lets them out because he wanted his toothpick. Are you frigging kidding me?!

[The weasel monster escapes and attacks Beaver]

Nostalgia Critic: Alright, I get that they're trying to hint at some sort of compulsion with him, but even an OCD person wouldn't be like...

[A scared NC is shown sitting on the couch holding a remote]

Nostalgia Critic: Oh, my God! If I let go of this trigger, our bomb will explode! [Notices the tissue box on the table] You know, this could be a little bit more symmetrical. [Puts the remote down to move the tissue box. An explosion erupts]

Nostalgia Critic: This movie is all sorts of silly trying to somehow be taken seriously. Maybe King’s writing could have made some of these ideas work better in the book, but as a film, it’s hilariously ridiculous. The only other downside is how slow it is. There’s a lot of pointless talking, slow moving scenes and long periods of black nothingness that offer nothing visually or comedically entertaining. But it does still have evil British aliens, crazy Morgan Freemans, and, of course, shit-weasels. If that sounds insane enough to tickle your funny bone, then this is definitely one to check out.

Freddy vs. Jason

Nostalgia Critic: He shows him his dead brother who committed suicide and...wait a minute...is that the bully from Christmas Story?!

Freddy: [as Bobby, played by Zack Ward] But now, he just won't stop!

Nostalgia Critic: Holy smokes, it is! It is the bully from Christmas Story!

Mark: Somebody please wake me up!

Nostalgia Critic: Okay, clearly the dialogue mocking him has to be this!

Freddy as Bobby: [dubbed over with Scut Farkus' lines from Christmas Story] What? Are you gonna cry now? Come on, crybaby, cry for me! Come on! Cry! Ha-ha!

Nostalgia Critic: You don't need any effects. His yellow eyes are enough.

Nostalgia Critic: We FINALLY get a fight between these two, and honestly, it is a little cool. Though Freddy throwing in pinball sounds is a little much.

Freddy: [to Jason] Why won't you die?!

Nostalgia Critic: The chant every critic gives when one of these movies comes out.

Nostalgia Critic: Finally, Jason's like, "Piss off, bitch! My movie!", and they get to some real fighting. To be fair, when they actually do fight, it is kind of fun. I like how he (Jason) slams him through, like, a dozen windows or (Freddy) fires air tanks like torpedoes. Even Jason's crotch apparently is so hard, it hurts Freddy's foot. [Clip is shown as Critic dubs over as Freddy]: Oh, my God! What are those made of? Those Chomp Balls from Mario 3?!

Nostalgia Critic: I’ll give this movie this: when it’s actually Freddy vs. Jason, it is fun to see. It’s goofy and over-the-top, but that’s what you’d expect from these movies by now. Everything else, though, is just kind of dull, which sadly, you’d also expect from these movies by now. The idea of grown-ups covering Freddy’s existence, even to the point of torturing innocent kids, is kind of an interesting idea, but it never really goes anywhere. It’s mostly just dumb teens being dumb teens and that’s not what we wanted to see. We wanted to see two monsters kick each other’s asses. And when it does that, it’s great. But when it doesn’t, it turns out a long haul that started a lot of cool crossovers, but definitely came from a rocky start.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows

Nostalgia Critic: They get a call from April, played again by Megan Fox, who's following a scientist named Baxter Stockman, played by Tyler Perry, who she thinks is working for the Shredder.

Black Nerd: Either that or Madea is undercover as Neil deGrasse Tyson.

AVGN: Neil deGrasse Tyson? Really?

Black Nerd: Yeah. Neil deGrasse Tyson.

Nostalgia Critic: You sure that Tyler Perry as Baxter Stockman doesn't look like anyone else you can think of?

Black Nerd: Nope. [NC and AVGN leans in closer towards him] Fine! Tyler Perry's Baxter Stockman kinda looks like me.

Nostalgia Critic: Really? I was gonna say he looks like the original comic. But now that you mention it, yeah! It does look exactly like him!

[Critic and AVGN laugh at Nerd, along with a clip of Tyler Perry's Baxter Stockman laughing along]

AVGN: We then see the Shredder being hauled to jail, and...wait a minute. [Two pictures are shown of the Shredder from the last film and this one, bearing no resemblence] Who's this guy?! I know we didn't really see the Shredder's face in the first film, but even from that shadowy outline, we know this isn't the same guy. Even his reveal is nothing. Last time, it was big mystery what he looked like, and now, it's just, "Oh, hey. I'm Shredder. No biggie." He's unmasked the majority of the movie! That'd be like if Michael Myers was walking around without a mask.

Black Nerd: But Baxter uses a teleportation device to beam Shredder away, resulting in him somehow meeting up with everybody's favorite alien brain, Krang!

Krang: You and your buddy, Dr. Stockman, found something of mine: the teleportation device.

Nostalgia Critic: And now it's time to play [the caption of what he says appears] "Why is this awesome, but not as awesome as we thought it'd be?"

AVGN: Krang looks pretty good even with the modern-day updates, but for some reason, they give his body this cluttered mechanical head instead of the traditional bald head from the cartoons. I wouldn't mind so much, except in the trailers, they clearly did give him the bald head, so why change it?

Black Nerd: No, no, that's not the reason. The real reason is because Krang barely gets an introduction before immediately throwing a ton of plot at us. Like, a ton.

Krang: That device is part of a machine called the Arc Capacitor. Amd it broke apart into three pieces. Collect the other two pieces and launch the Arc Capacitor to Earth's dimension. It will unlock a portal through which I can bring the Technodrome!

Black Nerd: We barely have a chance to take in how awesome it is to see Krang on the big screen, because everything in this movie is so quickly rushed.

Nostalgia Critic: No, that's not the reason, either. The big issue is his voice. That's Brad Garrett, who's usually a pretty good choice, but he comes across as really...random in this.

Krang: Ooh, I'm sorry. Did I get a little tentacle mucus in your eyes?

Nostalgia Critic: The inflections, the pitch, the attitude, none of it seems to have any direction.

Battle of The Commercials

[The infamous Little Baby's Ice Cream commercial plays as the Critic sits there completely frozen in fear]

Narrator: There's good reason for my glistening skin. And how I shine. And how my pores are so clean and clear. I eat little baby's ice cream. It keeps me young. It keeps me light on my feet. I spring from activity to activity. When you eat little baby's ice cream, you'll wink and nod and hug with great enthusiasm. Ice cream is a feeling.

[The real critic returns and moves aside what is revealed to be a cut-out version of him.]

Nostalgia Critic: Okay, okay, yeah. I apologize, that version of me has expired. He... simply had nothing more to give. He tried. He tried very, very hard to look inside himself to find something, anything that he could offer. But, in the end, you just took too much from him, world. You just took too much from him. He will be missed. A moment of silence, if you will. [NC looks down at the bottom of the screen, where the words "Myself: 1981-2016" appears, while tragic music plays in the background. He then looks to the camera] Me, on the other hand, WHAT THE HELL?!?! This is the freakiest thing I have ever seen! This is for something called "Little Baby's Ice Cream"?! It would scare the piss out of any little babies watching it! It's so terrifying, I'm not even convinced it's made for little babies! I think it's made out of little babies! Don't believe me?! Watch it again and just take out the ice cream part! Tell me if it makes a little too much sense!

Narrator: I eat little babies. It keeps me young. It keeps me light on my feet. When you eat little babies, you'll wink, and nod. This is a special time. Little babies is a feeling.

Nostalgia Critic: Little Baby's Ice Cream is PEOPLE!

Inspector Gadget Saves Christmas

[The Elves are getting out of bed]

Elves: [singing to the tune of "Jingle Bells"] Rise and shine he says. From our elfin' beds.

Nostalgia Critic: [shocked] Did they just say their effing beds!?

Elves: [singing] Rise and shine he says. From our elfin' beds.

Nostalgia Critic: Guys, kids are watching!

Elves: [singing] And cap our elfin' heads!

Nostalgia Critic: [Points to the right] The swear jar's over there!

Elves: [singing] Jingle bells, elfin' bells!

Nostlagia Critic: Christ, does your music need parental warning? The lyrics get even more grim the more you listen to them.

Elves: [singing] Dine another day. For our elfin' pay. Play is work and work is play.

Nostalgia Critic: Man, Santa runs a pretty unforgiving setup. Imagine these words being spoken instead of sung. [Wearing a Santa hat and beard] Die another day. Making toys for Santa isn't work, it's play. [Turns to the camera] Play is work, work is play.

Nostalgia Critic: So after we realize Santa shanghaied the Keebler elves through some sort of illegal cloning ring, our main villain, Dr. Claw, enters the picture. Yes, this is really happening. Dr. Claw is dressing up like Santa. I am not prepared for this kind of silly. Maybe if I watch this. [The Patrick Stewart clip is shown again] Okay, okay, let's try it again.

Dr. Claw: I, Dr. Claw-

Nostalgia Critic: Nope, not working! [breaks down laughing] I have so many questions. First of all, wow. Who knew Dr. Claw was so short? I guess sitting down so much just gives you the shin length of Hank Hill's father. Second, his arms seem to have gotten pretty scrawny, don't you think? Does he eat carbs? Third, [sighs] what exactly is his scheme again?

Nostalgia Critic: Can you spot what's good and bad?

Penny's voice: [Critic points to a picture of an ice cream cone] That's good! [Critic points to a picture of a cartoon boy who has stubbed his toe] That's bad! [Critic points to a picture of puppies] That's good! [Critic points the poster for Fantastic Four] That's bad!

I'll Be Home for Christmas

Nostalgia Critic: It is true - we have a fascination with jerks. Perhaps because they do and say what we want to do and say, but don't because we have too much of a conscience. Jerks, dickmunches and buttholes have been popular for years. Whether we boo them as the antagonist, laugh at them as the losers or even cheer them on because we find that shred of humanity that we inspiringly connect to. And then there is jerks whom have NONE of that, but are eye-candy for tween girls, so we gave them a holiday movie!

Nostalgia Critic: Meanwhile, during your traditional college Christmas party with rave music, drinks and public domain cartoons for toddlers... [Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer plays in the background]

Nostalgia Critic: [as college student] Hey, everybody, quiet down, this fucker's playing Rudolph!

Nolan: Are you saying that's Mrs. Claus in that car? With another guy? Mrs. Claus stepping out on Santa, letting some other guy down the chimney? Why, that two timing ho!

Nostalgia Critic: [disturbed] There's corpses in the backseat of that van. I just know it.

Nostalgia Critic: Nobody knows what the future holds, but there's two things that are guaranteed: there's gonna be a lot of anger, and there's gonna be a lot of love. Use them wisely.

Rogue One: A Star Wars Story

[After we see the Channel Awesome logo, we're shown the caption, "A long time ago...but not TOO long ago...but like, not super short either. We'd give you a date, but calendars don't seem to exist in this world. I don't even know if they have clocks. Have you EVER seen a clock? This galaxy is weird." Then we immediately see Galen Erso, played by Jim Jarosz, on a planet in outer space]

Nostalgia Critic: [Interrupts the scene] Wait a minute! [Flicks the planet away] Where's the crawl? And the Star Wars title and the big music?

[Cut to Chris Stuckmann in his room]

Chris Stuckmann: Well, it's a different kind of Star Wars movie.

[The Critic shudders when Chris appears]

Chris Stuckmann: You see, this isn't part of the trilogies that spanned three generations, this is more of a spin-off film. It's a story that stands on its own, but also happens to be in the same universe, hence the title, Rogue One: A Star Wars Story.

Nostalgia Critic: Okay, Chris, why the hell are you talking like that?

[Chris is shown to be actually standing next to NC, looking at the camera, and his review room being an image behind him]

Chris Stuckmann: Like what?

Nostalgia Critic: Like I'm somehow in front of you, even though I'm clearly to your left.

Chris Stuckmann: That's just the Chris Stuckmann tradition. I always address the camera with my edited thoughts. It's kind of the Chris Stuckmann way.

Nostalgia Critic: [Pushes Chris' image away] Yeah, well, how about the Star Wars way, and we have an opening crawl?

Chris Stuckmann: I told you, Critic. It's not that kind of movie.

[Images of the movie are shown]

Chris Stuckmann: Rogue One is the first of what is currently an unending series of Star Wars universe films. While the trilogies will continue to follow the stories of the characters we know and love from the first movie, these will be more background stories. Think of them as the appendix in The Lord of the Rings, a way to get more history of fictional events and characters. They're stand-alone films that give us more information on a world we can't get enough of. So the idea of cutting out the crawl is just a way to show it's one of the many side stories that's yet to come.

Nostalgia Critic: But we had another holiday theme, a Star Wars Solstice. This is totally gonna ruin next year when we do a Star Wars Feast Day of Our Lady of Guadalupe.

Chris Stuckmann: But this is just what Star Wars is now. It can't be any worse than the changes they made in the past.

Nostalgia Critic: No. This is my show, and I want a crawl! Let her roll!

[The two are suddenly risen up by an opening crawl, as triumphant music plays]

Nostalgia Critic: Now that's more like it.

[The crawl suddenly stops rising, causing both the Critic and Chris to fall to the ground and get back up]

Nostalgia Critic: Hey, what's the holdup?

[A bored-looking Barney Walker and Jim Jarosz are at a computer with Rob Walker, who is shown angrily working on a keyboard furiously]

Rob Walker: I'm sorry! We're only making letters float through space! If you can think of a better way to make letters float through space, then I'd like to see it! [Growls in frustration and continues working]

[The Nostalgia Critic and Chris Stuckmann sit down behind the delayed opening crawl]

Nostalgia Critic: Well, I guess we're stuck here for a bit.