The Nostalgia Critic/Season 4

web series season

Quotes from the 4th season of The Nostalgia Critic, which aired in 2011.

Neverending Story 3 edit

[Upon hearing the name of the villain]
Nostalgia Critic: The Nasty. That's the name of our villain, folks. The Nasty. In the first film, it was the Nothing, the second film, it was the Emptiness, and in this film, it's the Nasty. The hell's the villain of the next movie gonna be called? The "Oooooooooo!"?

[After kids at Bastian's new school all start running away from the Nasties]
Nostalgia Critic: OK, hold it, hold it, hold it, we gotta go back and do bullet points 'cause there's just too many things wrong with this scene. First off, that's Jack Black. [Smacks his hat] What?! Second, why would an entire school literally run away from a group of bullies? What, do they stuff their pants with TNT or something? Third, that's Jack Black. [Smacks his hat again] What?! Fourth, they're literally called the Nasties?! In the first film, the Nothing was an abstract entity. In the second film, the Emptiness was the human form of dying imagination. In this film, it's literally just a bunch of bullies named the Nasties?! How fucking uninspiring is that?! To go from complex ideas destroying worlds to one half of Tenacious D acting like a dick mule. Boy, they keep upping the ante, don't they?

Nostalgia Critic: Oh my God, what did they do to you, Falkor?! Not only do the animatronics look like the butt-cheeks from Chuck E. Cheese, but the character is totally backwards! Falkor was a dignified creature, he was optimistic and wise. This...abomination is a blithering idiot! He's like the flying version of Patrick the starfish!
Falkor: [in The NeverEnding Story] Things will work out fine, Atreyu. Never give up and good luck will find you.
Falkor: [in The NeverEnding Story 3] Oh wait, that's just what I heard. It could be just a rumor. Oh, this is no weather for mountain flying!
Nostalgia Critic: Duh, I don't wanna...gulp...go on an adventure!

[about the Rock Biter and his family]
Nostalgia Critic: What have you done, movie?! What have you done?! You turned this character into a fucking sitcom! No. I'm serious. It's a fucking sitcom! Like the fucking Flintstones and the fucking Dinosaurs! Don't fucking believe me? Take a fucking look at these fucking scenes from those fucking shows, and then fucking tell me they don't fucking look like the fucking same thing, you fucking fuck fuck! But, oh, wait! There's more! Just listen to what the fucking family sounds like!
Rockbiter Wife: Would you mind going over to wandering mountains and breaking about a half a pound of limestone for me? Hmmm?
Nostalgia Critic:...Does that sound remotely female? I mean, at all? At all, is there ANY indication that THAT's a female voice? No, no, no, no, no. THAT thing has a dick. It has bulging testicles, he married a rock vestite! But wait! THERE'S MORE! TAKE A LOOK AT HOW THE BABY SOUNDS!
Rockbiter Jr.: Junior go buggy! Dada, me come, too! Me come, too!
Nostalgia Critic:...It's all the same guy. Yep, it's the same actor doing all three parts. I'm convinced. There is no attempt to disguise the voices whatsoever, they just didn't care.

[After nearly having a nervous breakdown in response to the movie's version of the Rock Biter]
Nostalgia Critic: Let me make one thing perfectly clear: this is NOT jumping the shark. [Beat] Gonna repeat that again: this is NOT jumping the shark. Oh no no no no no no no no... [Trails off briefly before the following sequence is illustrated] This is JUMPING THE SHARK, COMING BACK, SHOOTING IT IN THE BALLS, RAPING IT, EATING ITS FLESH, CONSUMING ITS SOUL, MOUNTING ITS HEAD ON THE WALL AND THEN DOING THE SAME THING TO TWELVE MORE FUCKING SHARKS JUST TO BE SAFE!

[After transporting out of Fantasia and back into the human world]
Bastian: I hereby wish the NeverEnding Story would leave the Nasties—
Childlike Empress: No, Bastian! Stop!
Bastian: Empress? [Now realizing she's speaking to him through the Auryn]
Childlike Empress: Bastian, the Fantasians who helped you got caught in a wish overload...
Nostalgia Critic: [Rubbing his forehead] "Wish overload," I can't believe this fuck...
Childlike Empress: They're with you in the human world, but you must not use the powers of Auryn to stop the Nasty.
Bastian: Why not?
Nostalgia Critic: Yeah, why not?
Childlike Empress: Because the new Fantasia that follows would be different. It won't include them.
Nostalgia Critic: But it's his imagination! Why can't he just wish they're in the new Fantasia?
Bastian: It's my imagination! I'll just... make sure they're in the new Fantasia.
Childlike Empress: No, Bastian. [The Critic waits a few seconds, expecting the Empress to explain this, but doesn't get an answer]
Nostalgia Critic: What, that's it? Just "No"? There's no other reason why? Well why can't he just wish them back—
Childlike Empress: No, Bastian.
Nostalgia Critic: It seems like he could do it really easily—
Childlike Empress: No, Bastian.
Nostalgia Critic: I mean, he's got the little thing—
Childlike Empress: No, Bastian.
Nostalgia Critic: Just take two sec—
Childlike Empress: No, Bastian.
Nostalgia Critic: [Pauses] What if he just—
Childlike Empress: No, Bastian.
Nostalgia Critic: Fuck you, it's your damn world, you botch it up however ya want!

Ferngully 2 edit

[As the movie's poacher villain is first introduced]
Nostalgia Critic: But it turns out FernGully is under attack by one of the worst animals the planet has ever known: [Leans toward the camera] MAN! [The word is displayed next to a kitten with a tear on its face while dramatic music plays, then the movie's villain is introduced in the style of an old-time newsreel complete with the Critic's narration] Yes, Man. Human in shape but satanic in spirit, Man likes to spend most of his time destroying things because he is worse than the Devil if he was a pedophile. [Text saying just that appears] You can spot the especially bad ones by having [The following appear in list form] two-dimensional personalities, being written horribly and having a chin size that even Bruce Campbell would be jealous of. They kidnap animals, burn down rainforests and probably slept with your mother. [Text appears that says "THEY DO MOTHERS!"] If you should see Man anywhere in your neighborhood, please make a pretentious animated feature with confused morals and no sympathetic, three-dimensional villains. [The following is accompanied by onscreen text of the same words] Man: if there's anything worse, it's not human.

Nostalgia Critic: Now, something I never understood in this movie or the last movie, for that matter, is how come Crysta, who was clearly seen shrinking down the main character from the last movie, doesn’t just shrink these guys down, too? Wouldn’t that make things a heck of a lot easier?
[The poacher stands next to the Nostalgia Critic]
Poacher: Oy, I'm gonna get you guys real good and... [The Nostalgia Critic shrinks him down to a smaller size by waving his hand at him] Um... [The Nostalgia Critic swats the poacher like a fly and gives a princess style wave to the audience]
Announcer: You just saved us a movie! [The same text appears below the Nostalgia Critic]

Nostalgia Critic: So as they’re enjoying their antics in the human world, suddenly something dawns in their heads!
Pips: Babies!
Nostalgia Critic: A-doy! So, knowing that time is of the essence, the crew gets their focus back on track and decides to hunt down the babies…by sleeping. Interesting strategy.
Batty: Better get some sleep. Human fun takes it out of ya, let me tell you.
Nostalgia Critic: Maybe the answer will come to me while I snooze. [He goes to sleep as a dream bubble with “GO AFTER THE FUCKING BABIES!” flashes] Why do I always have that dream?

Secret of NIMH 2 edit

[After the revelation that Timmy's brother, Martin, is the villain]
Nostalgia Critic: I mean, it's incredible, it's absolutely incredible! You know what this is like? I... oh no, no no no no no no, I can't even make the comparison! I can't, it's too stupid to make. [Sighs] But it's true! It's so true! "The Secret of NIMH" - this wonderful, creative film - has officially become about a mouse with scientific abilities trying to take over the world... you know where this is goin'! [The theme music from Pinky and the Brain starts playing as the Critic imitates Timmy's and Martin's voices in place of those of Pinky and Brain] "Gee Martin, what're we gonna do tonight?" "The same thing we do every night, stupid! Try to take over the world!"
Off-screen Singers: [As the lyrics are displayed on-screen parodying its inspiration]
They're Timmy and the Brain
Yes Timmy and the Brain
One is a genius
And also insane
To take over the world
They'll butt-rape this sequel
They're wimpy
They're Timmy and the Brain Brain Brain Brain...
Martin: YES!

Jenny: I love you!
Timmy: Woo! I love you, too!
Nostalgia Critic: Boy, they said that pretty fast, didn’t they? They must have not had a lot of time to get through all the clichés! [as Timmy] Oh! And, uh, practice makes perfect, don’t do drugs, and, uh, there’s no place like home! Bye!

Nostalgia Critic: [after destroying the DVD with the Death Star] I'm the Nostalgia Critic, and Sequel Month is almost over! Just one more movie! [scoffs] I don't even care what the hell it is!
Care Bear: [off-screen] Did someone say "care"?
Nostalgia Critic: [groans in agony]
[Care Bears Countdown plays]

Care Bears 2 edit

[After complaining about the mountain of cutesy schmaltz the film heaps on to the viewer]
Nostalgia Critic: Seriously, who had the idea for this, anyway? Even the Devil couldn't think of something so terrible! [A bolt of lightning hails the appearance of Bennett the Sage in a black cape and gloves as Stokowski's version of "Night on Bald Mountain" and the sound of crackling fire begin playing in the background]
Bennett the Sage/Devil: Funny you should mention that...
Nostalgia Critic: Sage?
Bennett the Sage/Devil: Yes.
Nostalgia Critic: You're... you're the Devil?
Bennett the Sage/Devil: [Chuckles] Really, who else could it be?
Nostalgia Critic: Well, OK, fair enough, but what the hell are you doing here?
Bennett the Sage/Devil: Well, I've come to explain this unholy abomination that you humans call "Care Bears."
Nostalgia Critic: Really? So you're the one who created "Care Bears," huh? Why the hell would you do that? That's harmless!
Bennett the Sage/Devil: No, Critic. There are several subconscious messages that are being planted in little children's minds.
Nostalgia Critic: Like what?
Bennett the Sage/Devil: Well, for example, notice how the Caretakers leave the children behind with these two little delinquents looking after them? Well this is to show that being a deadbeat parent is OK.
Nostalgia Critic: No kidding!
Bennett the Sage/Devil: And abandoning your children who can't take care of themselves to be raised by other children who can't take care of themselves is the way of the future. Also notice how the Care Bears always use magic to solve their problems. Well this is to show the little children that the black arts are the path toward life and should be used in more everyday occurrences.
Nostalgia Critic: Good Lord, are there more subconscious messages like this?
Bennett the Sage/Devil: [Chuckles] You have no idea! [Voice changes to something much more sinister-sounding] I'm the Devil! THE DEVIL! [Laughs maniacally]
Nostalgia Critic: Yeah, well your head looks like it's coming out of a vagina.
Bennett the Sage/Devil: [Stops laughing but still in his evil voice] Hey! This is stylish!

Tenderheart: We're having a party!
Dark Heart: Who likes games?
Bears: Oh! Me!
Dark Heart: Blind man's bluffers down there, leapfroggers up there! [bears split up] Time for a game of disappearing bears.
Nostalgia Critic: I don't know why, but I really like how he says that one line.
Dark Heart: Time for a game of disappearing bears.
Nostalgia Critic: It almost sounds like he's channeling Christopher Walken, it just cracks me up!
Dark Heart: Time for a game of disappearing bears.
[scene from The Country Bears plays]
Christopher Walken: THIS IS NOT OVER, BEARS!

Nostalgia Critic: Dark Heart goes back to Christy to ask about that favor she promised him.
Dark Heart: I want to trap the Care Bears, and I have a plan! The world must learn to fear me; [menacingly] DAAAARK HEARRRT!
Nostalgia Critic: Oh, I'm sorry, I've been saying his name wrong the whole time. It isn't Dark Heart, it's [demonic] DAAAAARRRK HEARRRRRT!

[planning to save Christy]
Cheer Bear: We care.
Care Bears: [chanting "We Care"]
True Heart Bear: [to the audience] If you have ever cared, do it now. Help us. Tell us you care. [cut to Nostalgia Critic putting his hands on his heart] Tell your friend next to you that... [cut back to movie] care. [back to NC with an emotional face] Tell them how much you care. [back to movie] Tell them again! Say it! [back to NC almost ready to cry while the camera zooms in on him] Shout it! [back to movie] Help us! [back to NC almost ready to burst while camera zooms in on him]
Care Bears: We care!
True Heart Bear: We care.
Santa Christ: What?!
Nostalgia Critic: Oh, nothing. Sorry. Um... force of habit.
Santa Christ: Oh. Okay. [laughs, then sighs] [bleep]in' Bears!
Nostalgia Critic: [voiceover] I know the feeling.

Dungeons and Dragons edit

Nostalgia Critic: Guys... you are in for a treat. This is one of those special... special films that only comes around once in a while. A film that should make me angry to my BOILING POINT but is just so awful, it's pretty much wonderful. It is a wonderful movie. [Beat] I'm so anxious to get to it I don't even want to waste any time, so... this is "Dungeons and Dragons." [The title screen appears] Much like "The Room", "Troll 2" or the endless library of Schwarzenegger movies, "Dungeons and Dragons" is one of those rare films that simply gets everything wrong. The casting is wrong, the writing is wrong, the story is wrong, the effects are wrong... [Cut to a scene from "The Producers"]
Max Bialystock: Where did I go right?
Nostalgia Critic: ...and this strange combination somehow turns out a beautiful, beautiful butterfly of absolute horrible-ness. It's a bad film of epic proportions and we're gonna look at it today. Get ready to slap your head in confusion until it goes numb! This is "Dungeons and Dragons."

[After the first appearance of Jeremy Irons' character]
Nostalgia Critic: So this delightful dish of ham and cheese is our villain, the evil sorcerer Profion. [Pauses] Profion, hmm, sorta sounds like a heartburn medication, doesn't it? [The Critic's voice starts to imitate Profion's] Are you tired of orgasm-ing every scene you're in? Why don't you try the mystical wonders of Profion? [A box of the drug appears next to Irons' face boasting "Treats Frequent Heartburn!" and "Winner of 7 Razzie Awards"] It's magic in a tiny tablet! Side effects may include [The following are listed on the screen] over-acting, mugging and inability to pick good movies. Ya-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta!

[Imagining how Marlon Wayans landed the part of Snails]
Nostalgia Critic: [Speaking into cell phone] What's that? Chris Tucker isn't able to do it? [Puts down cell phone] Alright, let's go to the Wayans Wheel... [A multi-colored wheel showing the names Damon, Shawn, Keenan, Kim, Dopey, Tito, Prancer and Marlon is spun, which lands on Marlon] CALL MARLON!

[Summarizing the story so far]
Nostalgia Critic: Alright, so if I got this right, they have to get the red scepter in order to control the red dragons, but first they have to find this ruby called the Eye of the Dragon which opens the door that leads to the red scepter. But the Eye of the Dragon can only be gotten in this den of thieves which is ruled by this guy. He won't give you the Eye of the Dragon unless you defeat this evil maze which nobody has ever conquered. [Footage from the movie is suddenly replaced with stills from "The Legend of Zelda"] But before you can do that, you have to trade your rupees with the old man in order to upgrade your sword. Once you find the secret passage, you can then work your way through the forest, defeat the evil dragon, get the Triforce of Power that—yeah, yeah, you get the idea.

Nostalgia Critic: We then cut to Profion and the Empress - whose dress looks like it's trying to eat her - as we see them take part in the most important debate in this movie: [The Critic's voice deepens as the following text is dramatically displayed on the screen] Under-acting vs. Over-acting. [Voice reverts back to normal and looks to his right as if addressing the Mage] Profion, make your case for over-acting.
Profion: I ask you one last time: will you submit to the ruling of this council?!
Nostalgia Critic: Yes, yes. [Now looking to his left as if addressing the Empress] Now Empress, make your case for under-acting.
Savina: And as Empress... this is how I decree Izmer shall be run from this... day... forward.
Nostalgia Critic: Hmm, well that certainly was terrible. Profion, let me hear your over-acting again.
Profion: Is now not the time we should act?! [The crowd roars in agreement] Then down with the tyrants!
Nostalgia Critic: Mhmm, and Empress, your under-acting?
Savina: You would find the wisdom to see that the path I propose for Izmer is the right one.
Nostalgia Critic: Hmm, over?
Profion: Relinquish your scepter!
Nostalgia Critic: Under?
Savina: The man who convinced you to take the scepter from me—
Nostalgia Critic: Well, I don't see any point in choosing. You're both equally terrible!
Profion: [Claps twice] A wonderful performance.
Nostalgia Critic: That's a lie and you know it.

Nostalgia Critic: So Norda tells the Empress the situation through, get a load of this. A Magic Mirror.
Norda: I have unfortunate news to report. It seems Profion also seeks the Rod.
Savina: Seeks Damodor out. We need that Rod.
Norda: As you wish. [Norda bows and closes her eyes; she then fades away as the Mirror's face from Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs appears in fire]
Mirror: You know, she's prettier than you.

Top 11 Dumbest Spiderman Moments edit

Nostalgia Critic: And the #1 Dumbest Spider-man Moment is... the dance scene. Yeah, I may like "Spider-man 3," but anyone can tell you that this the Dumbest. Thing. Ever. It breaks the movie, it changes everything, it sucks out any amount of seriousness you were going for. Lemme tell ya, when people saw this poster and they saw this trailer, this is not what they were expecting to see. This is straight-up Jerry Lewis, right out of "The Nutty Professor." Even by "Spider-man" movie standards this is too silly. It's like if Superman got on stage and tap danced, [Cut to a Photoshopped picture of just that] or if Wolverine went to a burlesque and did the can-can, [Cut to another corresponding picture] or if [The infamous Bat Credit Card is shown] NOPE! THAT DID NOT HAPPEN! But what bothered me personally about this scene is the scene that follows. We go from something so silly and so over-the-top to Peter hitting his girlfriend and then crouched over a church. Now obviously, this is your big emotional moment of the movie, but a few seconds ago it was followed by this. That doesn't work! You can't throw all those things together one after another. [Cut to the Critic dancing in his chair, then punching something off-screen.] I'm a monster! [lightning strikes] I mean look at this! If I just showed you this without any context, would you ever guess that this was from a "Spider-man" movie? No, you'd say it was an outtake from the movie "Chicago"... except even "Chicago" wouldn't be this silly! For many people, this is what killed "Spider-man 3" for them. This was the step that went too far. They could survive some of the plot holes, they could even survive Emo Peter, but they couldn't survive this. It was too cartoony, too out-of-nowhere and too far removed from anything that people would consider "Spider-man."

The Lost World - Jurassic Park edit

[As Malcolm's daughter asks to go someplace safer than their trailer]
Nostalgia Critic: Yes, listen to the girl! She's the only one who knows what she's talking about! In fact, let's start taking bets about who's gonna die in this movie. You got annoying blabbermouth Jeff Goldblum, idiot scientist Julianne Moore, not-such-a-badass badass Vince Vaughn, or pudgy doughy guy who's only had eight lines. [All four of their pictures are lined up left to right under the Critic's face] Tell me, folks, who do ya think is gonna die? [Red circles appear over Goldblum, Moore and Vaughn's faces with a "Ding!" sound] Let me emphasize that this is who you think is gonna die, not who you wish was going to die— [Another "Ding!" and the doughy guy quickly becomes the only one with a circle over his picture] there you go.

Nostalgia Critic: So they journey to the only control tower where they can possibly make contact.
[Nick (Vince Vaughn) sits down to talk to Sarah (Julianne Moore)]
Nick: Making friends with Ahab, huh? [dubbed] So you're gonna be in the remake of Psycho?
Sarah: (disappointingly) Yeah.
Nick: Yeah, me too. Fucking agent. On the bright side, maybe we can tell William H. Macy not to be in any of these Jurassic Park movies.

[As the T - Rex drinks from a family's swimming pool, the family's dog starts barking at him from his kennel]
Nostalgia Critic: Oh look, even Boomer makes a cameo in this movie! [The dog retreats into his kennel in fear]
Benjamin: [In his parents' room] There’s a dinosaur in our backyard.
Nostalgia Critic: Yes, but... [pounds his fists on each word] WHAT ABOUT BOOMER!? [Heavenly music starts up]
Announcer: Boomer will... [Music stops as the T - Rex has presumably eaten the dog with the metal chain still attatched to his kennel] Ooooh! Ummm... [The kennel falls to pieces on the ground] We'll Getchya Another Boomer.

Return Of The Nostalgic Commercials edit

[During a commercial for a line of toys called Smooshies]
Nostalgia critic: Maybe it's me but this commercial seems ungodly cruel.
Singer: [singing] You can squish 'em, you can moosh 'em, you can...
Girl announcer: Smooshies sold separately, from Fisher Price.
Girl: [Laughs maniacally]

[During a commercial for a line of "Aliens"-inspired action figures]
Announcer: Send in the ultimate space marine, Atax!
Nostalgia Critic: Wait, wait, wait... [Trails off] The "ultimate space marine" is named "Atax"? It sounds like discount tampons you get at the dollar store.
Announcer: Atax, disguised in his big, bad bug suit!
Kid: He sneaks in!
Nostalgia Critic: Oh really? An alien disguise suit? Why didn't they think of that before?! [Starts impersonating a commanding officer giving a speech to the marines from "Aliens," complete with shots from the movie] "Alright, marines, here's the plan: we are going to dress up in alien costumes - get a buncha garbage bags and the world's biggest dildos - and we are gonna sneak in to the aliens' nest. They don't have any eyes, so they'll never be able to spot us. Any questions?" [Hudson is shown raising his hand] "Yes, Hudson."
Hudson: [From "Aliens"] How do I get outta this chickenshit outfit?
Nostalgia Critic: [Still as the officer] "Shut up!"

[A 900 number comes up. This one features two sock puppets]
Pirate Sock Puppet: Hey, whatchoo gonna do today, Marty?
Marty the Sock Puppet: I'm gonna call 976-7777
Nostalgia Critic: Oh, Jesus, how many of these call numbers were there?! This one doesn't even look like it's trying!
Marty the Sock Puppet: They're gonna tell me a great story every day.
Pirate Sock Puppet: I'm gonna ask my parents if it's okay if I call 976-7777.
Marty the Sock Puppet: Naw, me first!
Pirate Sock Puppet: Me first! [they begin fighting each other]
Nostalgia Critic: How much you wanna bet this was just a local pedophile who got on public access and wanted to hear children's voices? In fact, who do you think is on the other end, anyway?
[Cuts to Nostalgia Critic listening to someone talking on his cell phone. The voice is that of Herbert the pedophile from Family Guy]
Herbert: [voice] That's a nice muscley throwing arm you got there. You know, if you get sweaty and wanna take your shirt off, that'd be just fine.
Nostalgia Critic: Oh, you are sick, man! You are sick!
Herbert: [voice] Don't you mouth off to me or I'm gonna slap you right in your penis.
[Nostalgia Critic yelps in fear and throws phone on the floor]
Herbert: [voice] Mmmm.

[A number commercial comes up. This one features a pet rabbit]
Rabbit: Hey kids, it's me, the Spring Bunny. Call me today at...
Nostalgia Critic: OH COME ON! IT'S A FUCKING RABBIT! That counts as a reason to call a number because you show a fucking rabbit on screen?
Rabbit: There's a new story every day so call today.
Nostalgia Critic: I mean how lazy can these get?
Announcer: [Voiced by the Nostalgia Critic] Hello, kids. I'm a Table. [A Picture of a table is shown] Would you like to hear an exciting table adventure? 'cause, you know, tables go on a lot of fucking adventures. So, if you like to hear about me... a table, dial this number. [1-900-IM-A-FUCKING-TABLE] Table Awaaaaaayyyy!
Rabbit: We can't wait to share our wonderful fun and discoveries with you. Remember, get your parents' permission before you dial.
Nostalgia Critic: Preferably while they're asleep.

[a TV spot for the 1986 reissue of "Song of the South" plays]
Nostalgia Critic: Oh boy, better enjoy this movie while you can, folks, 'cause you will never see it in theaters again.
Announcer: 'Cause he's the one and only Br'er Rabbit, back again on the big screen in Walt Disney's happiest classic, "Song of the South".
Nostalgia Critic: Did we mention that even though we're just showing the animated scenes, they're about as long as this commercial? That's right, the rest is live-action and dealing with incredibly slow-moving racial relations! Doesn't that sound like fun, kids?!
[a kid is heard coughing]
Announcer: Walt Disney's Song of the South, rated G. Now playing at a theater near you.
Nostalgia Critic: [very quickly] Warning: this Academy Award-winning movie Disney will soon be ashamed of. It may or may not be racially insensitive, honestly it's sort of hard to tell, but Disney's not gonna take that chance anyway. See the film that millions of people around the world are calling... "OKAY!"

Singer: [Singing] You've got your sunrise, you caught a prize. You, your mate and your Johnson.
Nostalgia Critic: [Confused] What?
Singer: You caught a prize. You, your mate and your Johnson.
Nostalgia Critic: [Still confused] ...What?
Singer: Party nights, summer whites. You, your friends and your Johnson. [Cut to a scene from "The Big Lebowski"]
The Dude: ...Johnson?
Singer: Saturday nights, distant lights. You, your girl and your Johnson.
Nostalgia Critic: WHOA! HEY! KEEP IT CLEAN! Disturbing commercial - does it get any creepier than that?
Singer: Rooster tails, water trails. You, your kids and your Johnson. [The Critic sits with his mouth silently agape before being interrupted by the elderly pedophile from "Family Guy" from earlier in the review]
Herbert's Voice: I'munna slap you right in your penis!
Nostalgia Critic: Shut up!
Announcer: You and your Johnson. A way of life for over fifty years.
Nostalgia Critic: And then your wife found out what you were doing with your Johnson and... well, let's just say you and your Johnson won't be hanging out with any kids anymore. Commercials like this do make you wonder, though: are they aware what's going on? I don't know, I almost think they planned this so that people will talk about their product more, like they meant for it to have a double meaning. But I don't know, maybe I'm sounding like a conspiracy nut. I mean, can you think of any other commercial that can be taken the wrong way so easily? [Cuts to another commercial]
Fisherman: Just wait 'til you see what I've got. [Grabs a box] It's the Wunder Boner! [Cut to the Critic's stunned face with dramatic music]

[After the Wunder Boner commercial]
Nostalgia Critic: [Raising his arms, apparently having had enough] OKAY! You have to know what you're talking about, nobody's that naive! You're trying to play all innocent when you know that everyone's gonna be snickering at your commercial, and thus, remembering your product better! I mean- [Trying to keep in check] I might believe that wasn't intentional if they don't drop any more innuendoes!
[Shows a clip of the commercial]
Fisherman 1: The Wunder Boner.
Fisherman 2: My wife would like that.
Nostalgia Critic: [Pointing a finger] YOOOOOUUUUUU KNNNOOOOWWWW! You totally know what you're talking about, you should be ashamed of yourself!
Fisherman 2: Well, I think the Wunder Boner's a wizard...
Nostalgia Critic: STOP SAYING THAT! I don't care if your wife would like one of those, just keep your fucking Wunder Boner to yourself!
Narrator: The Wunder Boner comes with a polyethylene storage case, that doubles as a base and a cutting board...
Nostalgia Critic: I mean, seriously, you can't even say that word without having somebody crack up. Watch! [Comes before a crowded audience.] Wunder Boner. [The audience cracks up in hysterical, uncontrollable laughter. Only the Critic doesn't laugh, witnessing his point come true, raising his arms.] You see?
[Returns to the commercial's final]
Fisherman 1: So, uhh, Dave, where did you get the Wunder Boner?
Dave: It's funny you should ask.
Nostalgia Critic: [Slows time down, screaming in low-pitched tone] NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! [Time resumes, the Critic getting desperate] No, no, NO, CUT TO SOMETHING ELSE!
Narrator: Order your Wunder Boner now, call in at...
Nostalgia Critic: [Calms down in relief, then recovers] Alright, kids, fucking Wunder Boner is where it drawed the line. This was my look at commercials part two. Hope you've had a lot of fun, thanks for joining me and... I hope that... You... Your Johnson and your Wunder Boner have a fantastic evening. I'm the Nostalgia Critic and... [Gets up from his chair] ugh [From the background] Wunder Boner!? Really!?

Inspector Gadget: The Movie edit

Nostalgia Critic: Let's talk about "Inspector Gadget". It was a show in the 1980s about a half-human, half-robot detective. [Cut to the poster for "RoboCop"] Uh, hehe, no. This one was funny. [Cut to a poster for "RoboCop 3"] Intentionally funny! It centered around the inspector's bumbling antics to stop the super-villain named Dr. Claw, while Gadget's young niece Penny and a dog named Brain would go behind his back and solve the crime for him. It wasn't anything special, but for kids it wasn't that bad. It had a smart, humble role model who never got the credit but was just happy to see justice done, it had a menacing villain you never saw who had a pretty intimidating voice...
Dr. Claw: Well, well, what a delightful surprise!
Nostalgia Critic: ...and of course it had that kick-ass song.
Theme Song: Go Gadget go! Go Gadget go!
Nostalgia Critic: Doing a movie on this premise, however, would be tricky, but not impossible. Great care would have to be taken. Let's see, um... I know! Let's get that idiot who said "That's a lotta fish!" from "Godzilla"! And while we're at it, why don't we get that moron who ruined Madonna's career! [Cut to a picture of Guy Ritchie with the text "Guy Ritchie?" beneath it] No, the other one. [Cut to a picture of Rupert Everett with his own text underneath] There ya go! And finally, let's get one of the greatest directors of all time, the one who directed the coming-of-age classic... "Cool as Ice". I smell genius!

[Brenda taps Gadget on the back, with a doorbell sound effect playing]
Brenda: 'Scuse me.
Nostalgia Critic: I’ll get it. [Leaves the room to go answer his door and angrily returns after finding out the source of the doorbell] WAS THAT ANOTHER SOUND EFFECT? I mean, really? You gotta put sound effects in even when someone’s getting tapped on the shoulder? What does it add? How does it tell the story any better?

Nostalgia Critic: [in booming voice, as an evil clone of Inspector Gadget walks in front of the screen] THAT'S A LOT OF FIIIIIIISH!

[As Officer Brown gives chase to Sanford Scolex (a.k.a. Dr. Claw) in his car]
Scolex: Oh no. We're being chased by the Hatchback Squad.
Nostalgia Critic: Um, were you meaning to keep Dr. Claw in the shadows? 'Cause you are aware you're revealing him quite clearly right now... [Deploying an oil slick behind him, Scolex causes Brown's car to flip over and crash into a billboard] Now he's back in the shadows again—are we just supposed to forget you revealed him right there?! I mean, we saw him! There's no surprise now! We know what he looks like! Why put him back in the shadows if you just showed his face?! I mean, it's sort of like starting off the original "Star Wars" movie with... [Cut to a scene from the beginning of "A New Hope"]
Princess Leia: The Imperial Senate will not sit still for this. When they hear you've attacked a diplomatic—
Darth Vader: [Being dubbed over with what's obviously the Critic's voice] Don't talk back to me, young lady. That is no way to speak to your father. [Beat] Oh. Shit. You're not supposed to know that yet. Um, just forget that part, everybody! Tooootally not important! Hehehehe, uh Carrie, help.
Princess Leia: I don't know what you're talking about.
Darth Vader: [Still with the Critic's dubbed-over voice] Good! Good! Go with that! Take her away! [The stormtroopers take her away as Vader walks away in the other direction] Dodged a bullet.

Nostalgia Critic: So let's recap: Dr. Claw isn't called Dr. Claw. He doesn't own a terrorist organisation called M.A.D. He sounds less like a monster and more like a fashion critic and the fact that you never see him in the show is being replaced with SEEING HIM ALL THE TIME! I mean, wow! Did they get one thing right?!

Nostalgia Critic: So Gadget gets caught and Claw reveals his evil plan. along with probably the worst fourth wall joke you will ever see.
Inspector Gadget: I don’t know what you’re up to, Scolex, but you’ll never get away with it.
Dr. Claw: [Laughs] Oh, how cliché, Inspector, hmm. I think somebody’s been watching too many Saturday morning cartoons. [ding sound effect, followed by everyone glaring at the camera] Unfortunately, Gadget...
Nostalgia Critic: Wow. Terrible. I mean, ungodly half-assed. NO effort was put into that! At all! That has got to be the WORST fourth wall joke in a movie since...
Gadget Mobile: It’s a Disney movie!
Nostalgia Critic: THAT ONE!

Nostalgia Critic: [on Rupert Everett's performance as Scolex/Dr. Claw] Yeah, I'm sorry. I still can't get over how much this guy has nothing to do with Dr. Claw. The main villain of the show. He seems more like one of Dr. Claw's henchmen than he does the actual mastermind.
[cut to a clip of Dr. Claw from the TV show (voiced by Frank Welker) watching (edited footage of) Scolex on a screen]
Scolex: I'm ready to binge! Ha-ha-ha!
Dr. Claw: Who is that?
Scolex: Bring on the brownies! Ha!
Dr. Claw: What are you doing?
Scolex: [mocking] Go Go Go Go Go Gadget! [sticks out tongue and laughs]
Dr. Claw: You're supposed to be disposing of Gadget.
Scolex: Sit back and relax, darling. [arrogantly blows a kiss]
Dr. Claw: Wh...? How dare you!

Old vs. New: Karate Kid edit

Nostalgia Critic: "The Karate Kid" - a hokey, but still pretty effective sports film - centered around a kid named Daniel, who moved from Jersey to the Valley and keeps getting his ass whooped by a group of karate experts named Cobra— [Cut to a shot of the Cobra Commander from the original "G.I. Joe" cartoon and a dubbed voice impersonating him]
Cobra Commander: COBRAAAA!
Nostalgia Critic: ...Kai.
Cobra Commander: Oh...well, could you ever do an "Old vs. New" with us and the "G.I. Joe" movie?
Nostalgia Critic: The movie loses.
Cobra Commander: AWESOOOOME!

Nostalgia Critic: Like everybody, when I first saw the trailer for the new film, I rolled my eyes. What, Will Smith's son as Daniel? Jackie Chan as Mr. Miyagi? Come on, it sounds more like a satirical sketch than it does an actual movie. But, to everybody's surprise, it was actually a well put together film. It had its hokey moments like the original, but it actually managed to stay passionate, dramatic, and stay true to the source material while still being its own creation. Who the hell would've thought?

Nostalgia Critic: Alright, I've gone on and on about the teacher from the original, and how much of an enjoyable nut he is. The student, also the bully who picks on Daniel, is just your run-of-the-mill jerk. The remake, on the other hand, switches it around. It's the teacher that's sort of the run-of-the-mill jerk, and the student that seems totally bat-shit insane! I mean, look into his eyes! He's fucking nuts! Clearly, these two should've been switched around. The Asian student should've been with the American teacher, and the American student should've been with the Asian teacher. That way, these two can have their own reality show, "Mercy's A Penis!"

Nostalgia Critic: In the original, Daniel, played by Ralph Macchio, moves from Jersey to the valley. But finds he's having trouble fitting in. With Dre, played by Jaden Smith, he moves from one side of the world to the other! So, I guess you could argue that he would have a little bit more to complain about. But nevertheless, both represent how hard it is to fit in to a new place. You could also aruge that since Smith is younger, you'd naturally feel more sorry for him when he gets beaten up. Seeing little kids get injured isn't a fun thing to watch (unless you're Willy Wonka), but then again, it is pretty hard to watch Macchio get his ass kicked too.

Nostalgia Critic: If I had to choose, and of course I do, I'd have to pick Macchio. But to be fair, I think a lot of it has to deal with his age. When you're a kid, it's common to get into fights. And even if you lose,'re a kid. It sucks, but you're allowed to look wimpy at that age. And if anything, it was kinda cool you were in a fight to begin with. No kid's gonna fuck with ya! But Macchio's in high school, a point when standing up for yourself and acting like a man is a much bigger deal. If you fight when you're a kid, it's still sorta okay when a parent or a teacher comes in to fix the matter. When you're a teen, that shit goes right out the window and your pride suddenly caused a lot more to defend it.

Nostalgia Critic: Let's look at their backstories. Mr. Miyagi lost his wife and son while she was giving birth, and was unable to see her because he was in the army. With Mr. Han, he lost his wife and son when he was driving the car that got them both into an accident, which places even more guilt on them because he was actually the cause of their deaths. This explains why he's such a shut-in and rarely ever talks to people.

Nostalgia Critic: I'll also come off and admit that it is refreshing to see a movie character that's from Jersey who's not an asshole! I know, I've made fun of "Jersey" every once in a while, but I know for a fact that not everybody who's from there is totally nuts! And, it is nice to see the positive side of a Jersey role model. You know, outside of-[clip from "Jersey Shore" comes on. Critic rubs his head in disgust.] Ugh, that show rapes me.

Langoliers, The edit

Nostalgia Critic: [In a "Twilight Zone"-style opening spoofing Rod Serling's narration with clips from Stephen King film adaptations in the background] You're entering a world of awkwardness. A world of overused characters and clichés. A world where hammy acting is rewarded, and terrible effects are the norm. A world where plot devices are either over-explained, or not explained enough. Behind that door is a river of blood. Behind that door are two scary little girls. Behind that door a shitty remake that fucks it all up. You're about to enter... the Stephen King Miniseries. [Ducks as the title comes at him]

[As director Tom Holland makes a cameo appearance]
Nostalgia Critic: Now you might be wondering why I know who Tom Holland is. Well I did a little research and found out that he directed such movies as "Child's Play" and "Fright Night". [Beat] Why does this matter? It doesn't! It doesn't matter at all. They were silly movies then, and they're silly movies now. [The Critic pretends to answer a question being presumably asked by a viewer, whose voice takes the form of trumpet "wah-wahs" like Mrs. Othmar in the "Charlie Brown" cartoons] What's that? Why am I bringing it up then? Well, I guess I'm wondering why his name takes up TWO THIRDS OF THE CREDITS! [Points to the credits on the back of the miniseries' VHS case] I mean, holy shit! His name is huge! You've got all these other people... [Waves them off with dismissive noises] who cares? TOM HOLLAND! OUTLINED IN SHINY, METALLIC LETTERING! It's bigger than Stephen King's name! Well, I guess if this is the same guy who brought us this... [Cues up a clip from his version of "Fright Night" ]
Evil Ed (Stephen Geofrreys): Dinner's in the oven! Mmmmm mmmmm!
Nostalgia Critic: ...we're in good hands.

Craig Toomey: [Standing in a wide-angle close-up] I have an important BUSINESS MEETING THIS MORNING IN BOSTON AT 9 O'CLOCK!
Nostalgia Critic: [In wide-angle close-up] MY WIDE-ANGLE LENS...IS ABOUT...TO BURST!

Ben: [To the other passengers] As you say, there’s none of that stuff here, [Craig appears to hold his gun up at the group, yet nobody notices this yet] but when we woke up, it was on the plane.
Nostalgia Critic: Wha—does nobody see him right now?
Rudy: Maybe nobody was here when it happened.
Bob: No, that's nonsense. [Craig approaches the group with his gun]
Nostalgia Critic: Seriously, nobody sees him right now. You're looking right at him.
Dinah: Watch out! I hear someone! [Craig takes Bethany hostage]
Nostalgia Critic: [As Dinah] I hear him much better than you idiots can see him right in front of your fucking faces!

[As the Langoliers eat up the airport beneath the passengers' now-airborne jet]
Bob Jenkins: We know what happens to today when it becomes yesterday. It waits for them - the timekeepers of eternity. Always following behind... cleaning up the mess in the most efficient way possible: by eating it.
Nostalgia Critic: Well, yeah, I guess you can't argue there. It really is the most efficient way possible: sending giant elephant turds with chainsaw teeth to eat up every half-second of time. Boy, God must've been really fucking baked when He came up with that idea! [Cut to a cloudy backdrop with heavenly-sounding music playing and what's obviously the Critic in a white wig and beard]
"God": And thus, when all time passes you will see... giant ape testicles that eat up the world like a tuna sandwich! [The music stops playing, followed by a very awkward pause]
Off-screen Voice: Sorry, could you repeat that—

Doug Walker: [After the credits; whispering] Hey, you guys, since you've been so nice and waited after the credits, we have a special little thing for you. The "That Guy with the Glasses" vol. 2 DVD is coming out. It has all sorts of good sorts. It has, uh, a new Ask that Guy, a new Bum Review of Scott Pilgrim vs. The World, uh, a new How to Be A Pirate, and two- count 'em- TWO Nostalgia Critics. Two NEW ones! Yes, that's right. It has, uh, uh, uh, a review of a video game by a- by, yeah, you gotta get to get it in order to say what video game. [Shushes viewer] And it also has a review of Reefer Man. It's a classical film. It's wonderful, wonderful. But why am I telling you this? I'm telling you this because you stayed after the credits. You're good viewers. You can pre-order it now. Pre-orders start March 16th and we'll ship them out March 27th. That's right, you get to see them before anyone else does, it's unbelievable! Now, when the DVD actually does come out, we'll have a commercial, we'll let you know, but this is for the people who [voice getting higher] waited until the end credits because you're so wonderful! Yes, you're so wonderful, I love you so much! [normal voice; still whispering] So go, go. There's a link under there (Points down, as if pointing below the video], you can get it. Go, go. You don't have to go. Yes, you do. [Yelling] GO NOW! [Cameraman yelps in fear]

Airborne edit

Nostalgia Critic: Remember how I did those reviews of late 80's/early 90's commercials? You know the ones I said sort of existed in their own cheesy little world? Well what if there existed an entire movie like that? [A woman's prolonged scream is heard off-screen] Yes, indeed, and I betcha anything it would be called "Airborne." [The film's title screen is shown] I mean it: this whole movie is like a huge commercial for... itself. Aside from being another movie Seth Green and Jack Black won't put on their resumé, "Airborne" is a film I can only describe as "extreme generic-ness." And when I say "extreme" I mean EXTREME! [His voice deepens, gets louder and is accompanied by yellow text of the word on-screen] Because in the 90's, everything was EXTREME [This repeats every subsequent time he says the word] and this film is no exception. This film has EXTREME-ly lame characters, EXTREME-ly bad storylines and EXTREME-ly embarrassing 90's clichés. So, does that make it incredibly stupid? EXTREMELY!

Mitchell: You know, it's funny. You get so busy fightin' over waves that you never get a chance to enjoy the ocean. Life's too short for that.
Nikki: So if you're not into fighting, what are you into?
Mitchell: I like the smell of the ocean, purple sunsets and surfin' in the rain.
Nikki: You're a poet.
Mitchell: Nah, I just know what I like. [Cuts away to the Critic's utterly disgusted facial expression]
Nostalgia Critic: I know, I heard it, too. Here's Bruce Campbell killing something to offset it. [Cuts to a scene from "Evil Dead 2"]
Ash: Swallow this. [Blows off Henrietta's head with a shotgun blast]

Nostalgia Critic: So after that EXTREME! scene, we cut to Mitchell, telling Wiley about... [sees what Seth Green is wearing] A headband?! Really?! YOU'RE WEARING A HEADBAND?!
Mitchell: I got a date with her Friday night.
Wiley: We're supposed to go out Friday night.
Nostalgia Critic: Okay, leave your balls at the front desk, YOU ARE A LADY. I mean, seriously. We're just one second away from having that girly montage. You know, where they try on different clothes and laugh at one another.
[sure enough, a montage just like the one described plays, set to "I'm Too Sexy" by Right Said Fred. The Critic looks in shock at the scene before finally reacting]
Nostalgia Critic: Okay. Hand them over. Give me your testicles. No, honestly, you don't deserve them. You don't deserve them. Hey, you don't wanna hand them over? [pulls out scissors] I'LL TAKE THEM BY FORCE! I mean, good lord! Doesn't this movie have any idea what boys do? Oh, and hey, for anyone that thinks that this could be considered a typical teenage boy thing, all I can say is, watch it to this music.
["Girls Just Want To Have Fun" by Cyndi Lauper plays over the montage]

Baby Geniuses edit

Nostalgia Critic: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it, but just barely. I'm at a con in Ohio called Animarathon, but that's not the reason I'm making this video. I'm making this video because... I have nothing to review. Oh, I saw a movie. Good fuck God, I saw a movie, but... it is a film that is so dumb, so ridiculous, so not engaging... that I literally have nothing to say about it. It's the first time that's ever happened. And I wonder if I can ever review again because of it. This genocide of imagination goes under the name... "Baby Geniuses."
Nostalgia Critic: I literately got dumber watching this movie. It has no interesting characters, no interesting story—even a half-assed Roger Rabbit reunion could possibly make this enjoyable! God help me for its sins. All I can do is sit here and ponder how. How could this film have made so little an impact? Well, let's start at the beginning. At first, I wrongfully raised my expectations when I see the director is Bob Clark, the same director of "A Christmas Story." But where that film came from actual geniuses, this is... "Baby Geniuses."

Nostalgia Critic: My God... I suddenly remember — the baby animatronic.
[closeup on the horrifyingly-looking baby animatronic with "Lord of the Rings" music playing]
Nostalgia Critic: Sweet Jesus alive, no-one should ever have to see that. This is supposed to be one of the mascots at the theme park and yet, strangely enough, it looks like the horrifying love-child of Andre the Giant and Gollum!
Animatronic: Aww, what a sweet name! Give Baby Bunting a big hug!
Nostalgia Critic: No child should be forced to see this. They’d shit their pants if they saw this coming towards them!

Lexi: Your syntax is chosen.
Basil: It's cos he's watching television all the time.
Teddie: How's he do that?
Basil: He converts the monitors.
Nostalgia Critic: So, yeah, the babies can talk their own language. Why don't you remember this when you were a baby? Get a load of this — because apparently, babies go through changes where they just totally forget all about their genius and become everyday people. Yeah... bet you didn't fucking know that, did you?! Babies start off geniuses and then turn into everyday morons... LIKE THE FUCKING IDIOTS THAT ACTUALLY WROTE THIS SCRIPT! [yells at con attendees] RIDICULOUS, HUH?!

[As Whit begins to cry]
Nostalgia Critic: OK, however you got this kid to cry, it wasn't worth it. Nothing you did to this kid to make him cry was worth "Baby Fucking Geniuses." He should be out playing or, I don't know, being a baby! Whatever you had to do - squeeze his foot, pull a hair, I don't care - whatever made him fucking cry, it wasn't worth this goddamn abomination! [Cut to footage of the Critic walking around Animarathon] And then it suddenly hits me: babies can't act. They're not supposed to act. They're fucking babies! It never looks like they know what they're saying in this movie - it's just babies being babies and they throw some dialogue over it. It's basically just freakin' home movies with a budget! Why make an entire movie around something that can't act? Why didn't the director know any better? Why did anybody green-light this? [The Critic's face is now contorted in rage and his inner voice raises to a shout] Why did anybody think there were any possibilities for this film?! [He suddenly stops and stares at something to his left, which turns out to be a wall] My God! I've found peace! [Cut to the Critic's placid expression] Just looking at this wall is giving me so much more than this movie ever could. It's giving me little, but it's taking away nothing... unlike "Baby Geniuses." [Cuts back to the wall] I'm... hypnotized by it. [Suddenly looks away from it] Avert your eyes from its brilliance. There is so much more to recollect... So, we find out babies are telepathic... [Cuts back to the Critic staring at the wall, before he looks away again] Damn it!

X-Men Cartoon, The edit

Nostalgia Critic: And then we see everyone's favorite badass himself...
Gambit: There you are, Wolverine!
Nostalgia Critic: I mean it, nobody tops this guy in badass-ity. How badass is he? His voice is a mix between the Dark Knight and Popeye, and yet he's still badass.
Wolverine: I go where I wanna go.
Nostalgia Critic: He hops around in yellow spandex in a poorly cut Mickey Mouse hat, and yet he's still badass. He gets an Australian Broadway dancer to play him in the movie, and yet he's still badass. He can strike this pose [Wolverine is shown tackling Gambit from behind in a mildly suggestive moment] - which I'm comedically going to play back and forth right now - and yet, HE'S STILL FUCKING BADASS! [His voice deepens and corresponding text appears on-screen] In fact, I put it to you: has there ever been anything Wolverine-related that has not been entirely badass— [Cut to a poster for "X-Men Origins: Wolverine"] YEAH, BUT HE WAS BADASS IN IT! So what's he first thing this ultimate badass is gonna do?
Jubilee: Don't hurt him! [fires an energy blast that knocks Wolverine across room]
Nostalgia Critic: Okay...that was a puss out, [frantically] BUT EVERYTHING ELSE HE'S DONE IS BADASS!

The Magic Voyage edit

[At the intro, the Critic forgets his usual line, stuttering and stammering with a clearly insane grin, trying to keep hold of himself. He has a few bouts of insanity before he breaths FIRE out of his mouth and then cuts to a cartoon transition, showing the Critic emptying his medication and saying 'One Moment Please...' Then, the Critic is returned, clearly stabilized.]
Nostalgia Critic: [sigh] *Okay!* Alright, alright, let me start over... Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic, I remember it... [Mutters the remainder, impatient] This movie is not only bad. It is annoying. Un-godly-annoying! Just when you think it gets to take a break from being annoying... [Nervous snicker] It's when it gets even MORE ANNOYING! [Takes a breath] Okay, let's get the title out of the way, "The Magic Voyage". [Title Card] Wait 'til you hear this - This is a children's story about Christopher Columbus as told by German film-makers. Yup, that's right, German film-makers, that's the equivalent of American film-makers making a children's film about Russian history. And look how fucking well that turned out! [The poster for Anastasia is shown. The Critic slams the table as he goes on.] Shit, we can't even get our own history right! [Shows the poster for Pocahontas]. So what makes you think the Germans have a shot!? But this goes beyond just magical powers, a talking bat or a talking tree... No, no, this story goes the deep end of the flat, frigging earth!

[After seeing the Swarm Lord]
Nostalgia Critic: Yeah! Remember THIS from the History books? Magic light, insect armies, lord swarm? Maybe this is the history of how the SMURFS DISCOVERED AMERICA BUT CAN WE HEAR THE DAMN STORY ABOUT CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS?!

Nostalgia Critic: He does eventually come across Christopher Columbus, voiced by- [photo of Dom DeLuise appears on screen] Oh, Dom... DOM! Why did you have to pick so many bad movies?! Do you think I like continually making fun of you?! You seemed like a nice guy! I liked you, you were really cool, but- It's the story of America told by Germans! You should know better, Dom, you should know better! But, on the bright side, he is Italian, so he can probably do an authentic Italian accent.
Columbus: My map-a, she sure stink-a!
Nostalgia Critic: [beat] Or maybe he'll be as authentic as Mario.

[Columbus appears to be pulling a spyglass from his crotch]
Nostalgia Critic: WHOA! WAIT A MINUTE! What the hell?! Did he just pull that spyglass out of his gonads?! [shows that same shot] He did! He just pulled that spyglass out of his nuts! [stammers] WHAT'S THE POINT OF THAT?! How did that ever get past German censorship?! Don't they have any shame?!
[shows the same shot, this time with a boing sound effect and a weird laugh made by Beavis and Butthead]
Nostalgia Critic: It's only for a second, but it's just so troublingly confusing. I mean, what do you call that?
[Shows us a clip from the Wonder Boner commercial]
Man 1: The Wonder Boner!
Man 2: My wife would like that.
Nostalgia Critic: OKAY! OKAY! Just forget I mentioned it!

[After the dream sequence]
Nostalgia Critic: So...after that incredibly important scene, we cut to the next night. Where it seems the crew still thinks Columbus is crazy, simply because he talks to a woodworm and says a firefly princess needs rescuing, and they try to do him in. But he sings a song on an accordion and that seems to make everything okay.
[Scene of Christopher Columbus dancing about while playing an accordion and singing]
Christopher Columbus: Ooooo, the life at sea is a life for me, no lovers of land are we, la la la la la la la la!
Nostalgia Critic: Well, I guess this is a clear sign that their captain isn't totally insane. Me...I think he's as valid as Captain-fucking-Kangaroo, but hey: different strokes different folks!

Nostalgia Critic: So Pico and Marilyn get back together and we see the natives of this land. Oh, this oughtta be rich!
Native Chief: You've stolen our idol, destroyed our sacred temple and... you've made squishy with the swarm. How can we ever thank you?
Nostalgia Critic: That's right! The Native Americans were honoring the Swarm Lord all this time and made a giant Aztec temple to honor him. What, did you think they lived in tepees or something? Pffffff, you're a fucking dumbass!
Native Chief: You've made squishy with the swarm. How can we ever thank you?
Nostalgia Critic: [As Columbus] The land. [Smiles menacingly] Hand it over.

Double Team edit

[As the film's climax draws near]
Nostalgia Critic: Oh my God! We have Mickey Rourke on a mine in the middle of a minefield with a ferocious tiger in a coliseum with Jean-Claude Van Damme, Dennis Rodman, Belloq, and a baby in a basket. [Beat] If this does not deliver the most fucking epic imagery I have ever seen in my entire life, I have lost all hope in mankind. [Beat, then exhales] Let's see what happens. [The climax's events all transpire as the Critic is seen raising his arms and screaming hysterically before falling silent at its conclusion] WHOO! BEST DEATH EVAH! [Corresponding text appears onscreen] WHOO! Okay, alright, I'll go back and talk about that entire scene but... OH MY FUCKING GOD! First of all, look at Mickey Rourke's face. He just knows that if he's gonna go out, he has to go out with a fucking tiger eatin' him while he's being blown up alive! Clearly, there's no other option! [The scene is replayed, but with an audio clip from "The Nightmare Before Christmas"]
Jack's Voice: Well, I may as well give them what they want...
Nostalgia Critic: Second, we have a whole coliseum going up in flames, and yet they still manage to get their product placements in there. Hell, they're literally throwing them at us! Third, with all these explosions and all this fire, it's hiding behind a Coke machine that saves the day. I—that's a new one. That's a new—ya know, okay, I'm not usually aware when I'm starting an Internet meme, but by God—this has to be an Internet meme! It is far too good! Okay, there was jumping the shark, nuking the fridge - ladies and gentlemen, this is "Frying the Coke"! This is the ultimate in awesomely and laughably implausible! [Exhales again, then lights up a cigarette and sits back in his chair] Ahhh! We might as well end it here, folks. I'm not gonna top that!

Top 11 Dumbasses in Distress edit

Nostalgia Critic: #2... Princess Peach. I could punch this broad in the face - really I could! How many times has this whore been kidnapped? Haven't they upped the security yet so that it doesn't happen anymore? And every time it does happen, she just keeps her pretty little smile! "Teeheeheehee—" Fuck you, bitch! I'm risking my life for you for the twentieth fucking time! And don't you dare insult me by saying you're gonna bake me a cake! No no, you give me a position of power, you fucking bimbo! I know more about this kingdom than you do! You see, I've been through it, like, a million times! You can't even stay around long enough to remember what it's called! I'm runnin' the show now, Peach! [The Critic cocks his gun and points it at the viewer] I'm runnin' the show! I don't know, I think it's just the attitude - the fact that she has no problem that you have to save her all the time. It just never seems to faze her, she never seems to feel bad. In fact, listen to this note that they have in the Mario Brothers Wii game: "Dear Mario, Because of my most recent kidnapping—" "Recent kidnapping"?! What is this, just another day at the store for you?! It doesn't even faze you anymore! You go out there and risk your life, whore! It ain't easy! The other thing that annoys me is just that she never does anything. She just smiles and gets caught - that's it. Oh, wait, there was "Mario 2" where she could friggin' fly in the air - that was really cool. But guess what? That was a dream! It never happened! So that literally means she has contributed nothing in any of the Mario games. OK, ya got "Smash Brothers" and "Mario Party" and so forth, but come on, they're just go-karting and playing games. Hell, she uses a frying pan as a weapon! A frying pan and her butt! These are what women in the 40s use as weapons, are you fucking serious?! Next you'll be telling me her main weapon in a game is crying! [Cut to a game-play clip from "Super Princess Peach" during which Peach uses her Gloom power to cry] ...I hate you.

Nostalgia Critic: And the absolute biggest Dumbass in Distress is... Bella from "Twilight". This has to be the most selfish, male-depending, uncaring, manipulative, self-centered, pretentious, idiotic, whining little bitch-bag you will EVER SEE IN YOUR ENTIRE LIFE! And honestly, that wouldn't be too bad a character, that'd be very, very interesting IF IT WAS INTENTIONAL! But it's not! Bella is supposed to represent the everyday teenage girl. If that's the case, then the story really got mixed up who the blood-sucking monster is! She thinks she's tortured, even though really she has no problems. She gets a crush on a boy and decides she wants to marry him, even though she's not even out of high school yet. She wants to be turned into a vampire, which everyone has said is throwing her life away. But of course, at the enlightening age of 17, she already knows exactly what she wants! Aren't you glad you followed through with every bright idea you had at 17? Aren't you glad you totally committed to something that you knew you could never make a mistake on at that age? Oh yeah - 17! Nobody ever fucks up at that age! The boyfriend tries to leave her so that he can save her, but she constantly keeps throwing herself off cliffs and putting herself in danger just so he can notice her! Good fucking God! That's right, girls! If your boyfriend leaves you, do exactly this! I assure you it won't backfire in the least! Sure you might be dead, but that'll teach him! She then gets another boy involved, who actually seems supportive and attentive, but she dumps him because the other guy looks at her weird. And by God, how can she turn down a guy with no personality that just looks at her weird? Again, one of those brilliant choices you make at 17! So now, a whole war is going on all because of her and everyone is going out of their way to try and protect her and she's simply like "Yeah, that's cool." Oh wait, she does try to say once that she's not worth it, but that only lasts a few seconds. She then realizes that she is worth it and is totally on board with having muscle boys carry her around everywhere. And just as her boyfriend finally agrees to marry her - imagine, a boy being pressured into marriage - she dicks around with the other guy yet again! Oh my God, I mean, Oh! My! God! I have never seen a character more needy and more insecure. She is such a dumbass in distress, that it's actually kinda scary. She is a scary character! In another dimension, maybe she could've been a great Shakespeare villain - this really complex, developed, psychotic mind. But as the common, everyday relatable girl that we're all supposed to identify with? She is, and always shall be, the biggest Dumbass in Distress. I'm the Nostalgia Critic and... pray for these boys, people. [Shows images of Edward and Jacob side by side] Pray for them.

Jaws 4 - The Revenge edit

[Ellen and Michael start arguing]
Ellen: I want you to get out of the water.
Michael: [alarmed] What? Come on and sit down. Will you look at this?
Ellen: I don't want anyone in my family anywhere in the water, never again! Never!
Nostalgia Critic: Well, now, where is this coming from?
Michael: You can't believe that voodoo. Sharks don't commit murder, they don't pick out a person.
Ellen: It picked out Sean, it killed your father!
Michael: Dad died from a heart attack!
Ellen: He died from fear! The fear of it killed him!
Nostalgia Critic: Ah, so it's the fear of the shark that killed him! Hmmm, that's interesting considering how he [Footage from the first Jaws movie plays] kicked this thing, swam around it and blew it up twice in 2 movies! Yeah, I'm sorry but that's really insulting to his character! I mean look at this guy! He had more balls than any of us put together, he is fighting a shark and you're actually gonna say he died of fear? Well, that's one hell of a delayed response, isn't it? I mean, what, was he just sitting around one day saying... [Acts as Brody, reading Chicago haunts then looks up] "Holy smokes, that was dangerous!" [Yelps, clutches his heart and falls to the desk]

[As Jake and Michael have an idea of how to get rid of the shark]
Jake: This is all theory, though. If it responds to external electrical impulse, it might respond to one coming from inside it. [Cut to a clip from the first "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" cartoon]
Donatello: According to the life force scan-alyzer, these rampaging creatures are from Dimension X.
Michael: We're bringin' in ten on this, we've got a slave unit that should shock the hell out of it.
Jake: Right! [Cut to a clip from "Batman and Robin"]
Batman: Sunlight could reverse the freezing process—
Robin: But it's morning in the Congo!
Jake: I'm riggin' the receiver. If it works, we get it inside that bastard and then we set it off. [Cut to a clip from "Star Trek: The Next Generation"]
Data: My positronic sub-processor detected high frequency interphasic signatures from the organisms.
Nostalgia Critic: Yeah, the short version is a blinking light will make him mad, so that's what they try.

[As Jake is being devoured by the shark]
Michael: ...AAAAAAAKE!

Gordy edit

Nostalgia Critic: We're all aware of movie rip-offs, aren't we? [The following films are compared side-by-side as he makes his point: "Transformers" with "Transmorphers", "Finding Nemo" with "The Reef", "High School Musical" with "Sunday School Musical" and "E.T." with "Mac and Me"] Whenever a big hit comes out, there's always an underground rip-off with a similar title to make people think it's somehow connected to the original, if not believing it's the original itself. For example, ya got "Babe" [The movie's poster appears on the Critic's left] and then ya got "Gordy". [Its poster appears on his right, which he addresses the following to] Oh, you nasty rip-off of a movie, you! How dare you try to take the good, wholesome decency that this film created and you try to cash in on it! Oh, you're a despicable movie! Despicable! Despicable! [The Critic is presumably interrupted by a viewer, whose voice takes the form of trumpet "wah-wahs" like Mrs. Othmar in the "Charlie Brown" cartoons] What? [More "wah-wahs"] "Gordy" came out first? [Another "wah"] Um, OK, let's, uh, switch 'em up then... [The two movies' posters switch places and he addresses the "Babe" poster instead] D'oh, you nasty movie! Nasty nasty "Babe"! How dare you try to rip off... "Gordy"?

Gordy: Have you seen my mother?
Richard: I'm sorry, Gordy. Another truck drove up while you were gone. Took your whole family.
Nostalgia Critic: What?! You mean he was in charge for two seconds and already he fucked it up? Dude, that's pretty harsh! What other offscreen catastrophes do you think happened?
[Nostalgia Critic voices Gordy and Richard]
Richard: OH, GORDY! While you were away, your father's been kidnapped!
Gordy: Oh, no! I'll save him!
Richard: OH, GORDY! While you were saving your father, the rest of your family got kidnapped!
Gordy: Okay, I guess I'll save them!
Richard: OH, GORDY! While you were busy saving them, the farmer fell down the well!
Gordy: Ah, geesh, all right!
Richard: OH, GORDY! While you were busy saving them, the Hindenburg disaster happened!
Gordy: Okay, I...I guess I can...
Richard: OH, GORDY! While you were busy with the Hindenburg disaster, Osama bin Laden came back to life, turned into a Transformer, and is destroying Chicago with the Dark of the Moon!

Nostalgia Critic: They [the clumsy bad guy's agents] try to track down Hanky and the Pig though, by following the bus wherever it goes. But luckily, they escape because the thugs get distracted by a cross-dressing madman with pantyhose on his head robbing a thrift store. Now... I'm gonna repeat that... Because it bears repeating. A cross-dressing madman, with pantyhose on his head — red pantyhose, mind you — robbing a thrift store. Y'know, I'm tired. I'm so tired. ..Not at the bad movie, though — granted, it is horrendous — but of films like this that focus on one thing when CLEARLY they should be focusing on another. What is this guy's backstory? Was he down on his luck? Was he a mental patient? What drove him to do this? Why is he dressed up that way? Any of these questions is far more interesting than knowing what's gonna happen to this fucking talking pig, and yet it's the fucking talking pig that we're focusing on! Shame on you, movie! ..Shame on you...

Jinnie Sue: [Lifts blanket to talk to Gordy] Goodnight, Pinky.
Nostalgia Critic: [As father] Girl, did you say "goodnight" to your vagina? Don't make me force the Bible on somethin' I find confusin'!

Louis Rukeyser: Tell us, Gordy, as the new darling of Main Street and Wall Street, what are your views on the outlook for the American economy?
Gordy: [Pig squeals]
Nostalgia Critic: [As Louis] Ha ha ha, that's very good, Gordy. Heh heh. Now, if you'll excuse me, my professional career as a journalist is over. [Grabs gun and presses it to his temple]

The OTHER Animated Titanic Movie edit

[The review begins with the Critic's real brother, Rob Walker, coming into their home dressed in a black robe and wearing make-up]
Rob: Well great, Nostalgia Critic! The entire costume party was ruined! I thought we agreed that you were gonna be Darth Vader and I was going to be the shadowy puppet master dark overlord that controls you, just like in real life? [He finds the Critic in a Vader costume and his tie sprawled out on the floor] Nostalgia Critic! [He kneels down and picks up a DVD case labeled "The OTHER Animated Titanic Movie" as the Critic moans and rises up in a spoof of "Revenge of the Sith", then Rob's voice starts to imitate Emperor Palpatine's] Nostalgia Critic, can you hear me?
Nostalgia Critic: [Imitating Vader's voice in turn] Yes, my brother. I apologize, I passed out after I thought I heard news that there was another animated Titanic movie.
Rob: Oh, but I'm afraid in your rage you have forgotten that there is another Titanic movie... [The Critic spins around to face him] ...and it is your job to review it.
Nostalgia Critic: It can't be! I reviewed it already! [They both get to their feet] NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Rob: [Curtly] Yes.
[The movie's title screen is shown]
Nostalgia Critic: Yes, ladies and gentlemen, it appears there's ANOTHER feature-length rip-off of James Cameron's "Titanic". I can't believe I live in a world where two of these exist. And you'd think that'd be bad enough, but if you can possibly comprehend this, it is actually WORSE than the other version. Yes. There is actually something out there worse than this! [Cuts to a clip of the rapping dog from his earlier review of an animated "Titanic" movie]
Rapping Dog: Party time! It's party time! Everybody's feeling fine 'cause it's party time!
Nostalgia Critic: I know it's hard to believe, but this actually is more terrible than the rapping dog. So, what abomination of hell could possibly make it into the human world? [Drags up the giant bottle of Jägermeister from the earlier review] Let's find out.

Nostalgia Critic: So even though they established that the dog has no owner, the dog is still allowed on anyway. [The dog urinates on an officer's leg] Oh, after he pees on him first. OHOHO! [The dog goes up the ramp]
Officer: You wretched beast! I'll get you for that!
Nostalgia Critic: [As officer] Oh, it's not like I can just go up there and get you for that! I'll just throw my hat! That'll teach you! [Throws his hat and it lands on the dog's head] Oh, it landed on the dog! I guess there's nothing else it really would have done. [The dog's owner throws the hat back in front of the officer who starts stomping on it] Oh, now I hate my hat! I hate my hat so much! Oh, my motivations are so confusing! [Kicks his hat into the ocean whilst making gibberish noises]

Nostalgia Critic: But luckily, it seems that magic also seems to work with mice, as Elizabeth can suddenly understand them now, too.
Young Connors: You've got to face the issue squarely and tell your father and Everard what you think.
Ronnie: You've gotta fight!
Elizabeth: [Lightly taps Ronnie's head] Of course I'm going to fight. Now I know you two are on my side, we can foil Everard and help those poor whales, too.
Nostalgia Critic: Yes. Now that they're on your side, I'm sure you'll have a great case to go up against your father. [As Elizabeth] Father, I know you want me to marry that man, but I've been talking with the dolphins and mice, and they agree that it's not the right thing to do! [Smiles. We then cut to a dilapidated building labeled "Insane Asylum" as a loud slam is heard] But honest to God, they did talk to me! [A light flickers in the window accompanied by screaming and electric sounds]

Nostalgia Critic: So they try to fix the wires with help from another mouse named Camembert. Get it? It's a cheese! But the wires won't stretch far enough. So there's only one thing to do.
Camembert: I've got it! Connect the wires to my moustache!
Nostalgia Critic: YEA- what?
[The signal goes through Camembert's moustache as he spasms from the electricity surging through the wirre with a red light blinking on his nose]
Nostalgia Critic: Yes, this would be an incredibly funny scene if it didn't end up killing him. No, seriously, it ends up killing him. Look.
[The mice mournfully look at a seemingly dead Camembert]
Young Connors: Oh, Camembert, Camembert! What a hero.
Nostalgia Critic: Okay, there's a lot of moments in a Titanic movie where you're supposed to have a serious death scene. [Shows scenes of characters who died in James Cameron's "Titanic"] You picked one, AND IT'S THE FUCKING WRONG ONE! [Shows Camembert]

Nostalgia Critic: So the whales seem to save everybody on the ship. Even the captain! Yeah, because we all know he made it out okay. But, unfortunately, Tentacles can't hold on anymore, and goes down with the ship.
[We are shown an unconscious Tentacles wrapped around the shipwreck as the dolphins leave flowers by his body]
Nostalgia Critic: Well, that sucks, but we have a wedding to cut to! That's right, Elizabeth and Joe finally got married, as did Grandpa Mouse and...that blonde who he only shared one line with. Seriously, did these guys ever start a dialogue? When suddenly, their attention is drawn to the river.
[A large crowd is gathered on the Brooklyn Bridge as a dolphin jumps out of the water]
Dolphin: I have the most wonderful surprise for you!
[Tentacles emerges out of the water with a big smile on his face]
Nostalgia Critic: That's right, Tentacles is alive! And look, even Camembert, with no explanation whatsoever, somehow made it out okay!
[A sound clip from "The Simpsons" is heard as we see Connors and Ronnie hugging Camembert]
Bart Simpson: I thought you were dead!
Ralph Wiggum: Nope!
Young Connors: Tentacles is alive!
Estrella: Look down there at the whales! All the others are alive, too!
Nostalgia Critic: That's right, even though there were no whales or people in that shot you just saw, apparently, everybody made it out alive. Thank God this isn't the least bit insulting to the hundreds of people who tragically lost their lives, or else this could possibly be the worst thing we ever produced as a species!
Captain Smith: Tentacles, you are a true hero. And the many people who couldn't find space in the lifeboats, you saved their lives, too. Tell us how you accomplished such an amazing feat.
Tentacles: It was the whales who did it, really.
Nostalgia Critic: [Hits his desk] WHAT IS UP WITH THE WHALING SHIT IN THIS MOVIE?! Look, if you wanna make a movie about whales, that's fine. More power to you. But leave the deaths of hundreds of innocent people out of it, if you don't mind! I mean, even Ferngully just stuck to the rainforest, they didn't try to work in the Hindenburg disaster or anything! [Shows a photo of the Hindenburg disaster with characters from Ferngully superimposed]

Nostalgia Critic: Can you see why this is worse than the other one? I mean, the animation is better, but...this goes from stupid to disgustingly insulting. Just the idea that people took this tragedy and turned it into such a lame ploy to save the whales is mindboggling! The Titanic story has nothing to do with whales, so why'd you make that connection? It's insulting to history, it's insulting to children's intelligence, and it's straight up insulting to the people who died! Honestly, it's sort of hard to watch; it's so horrendous. I mean, it honestly makes this film look more realistic. The film with the rapping dog is actually closer to the real story of the Titanic! That is a new low for a kid's movie to sink! [Super: No pun intended] It's beyond shit, and my guess is it'll take days before you stop feeling unclean from it! My only hope is that people will finally learn their lesson and stop making animated spinoffs off this shit.
[An image of the animated sequel Tentacolino appears next to him]
Nostalgia Critic: [in Darth Vader's voice] NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Revenge of the Commercials edit

Nostalgia Critic: How can something be so hot it's cold, or so cold it's hot? It’s like saying they're so great they suck, they suck so it's great! I never got it! It's like one of those Zen riddles you're never supposed to really figure out.
Monk 1: What is so hot it's cool, but is so cool it's hot?
Monk 2: ...Pop Tarts?

[During a commercial for a line of "Ghostbusters" toys, a blue ghost is seemingly inserted into one of the characters' behinds, making his torso spin rapidly]
Nostalgia Critic: [Scared pause] Am I the only one disturbed that that's possible anal rape? I mean, it's not like we didn't see the ghosts in the movies do something like this, so I find it very unnerving.
Child in Commercial: Funny guy, watch him scream! [The shot is replayed]
Nostalgia Critic: Hey, my body would do that too if Boo Berry was doing me from all sides! [The spinning is once again replayed] And now, because I don't know any better, the Top 10 Out of Context Ghostbuster Lines That Go With This Commercial! [Text displaying just that appears on screen, followed by a brief numbered countdown interspersed with corresponding clips from "Ghostbusters" and "Ghostbusters II" before which the commercial clip is replayed each time, starting with "10"]
Dr. Venkman: Well there's somethin' you don't see everyday. ["9"]
Winston: I have seen shit that'll turn you white! ["8"]
Dr. Venkman: You're not sleeping with it, are you, Ray? ["7"] You're scaring the straights! ["6"] He slimed me. ["5"]
Dr. Spengler: I think they're more interested in my epididymus. ["4"]
Dr. Venkman: We get this guy laid, we won't have any trouble! ["3"]
Dr. Poha: Why am I dripping with goo? ["2"]
Dr. Venkman: You don't want us exposing ourselves!
Nostalgia Critic: And the #1 best out-of-context "Ghostbuster" line to be associated with this commercial is...
Winston: That's a big Twinkie.
Nostalgia Critic: Play me off, Paul! [In a final call-back to an older review, he starts dancing as Paul Shaffer's band plays him off]

[A Teddy Ruxpin commercial comes on and Teddy Ruxpin starts talking]
Teddy Ruxpin: Hi, my name is Teddy Ruxpin.
Nostalgia Critic: [Points to the camera in fright] DAGH! THE DEVIL!
Teddy Ruxpin: Can you and I be friends? [In a callback to the Nostalgia Critic's Halloween '08 Special, the dolls eyes turn red and he speaks in a demonic voice] I haven't forgotten you, Critic!
Nostalgia Critic: [Screams and scrambles for the remote before flipping channels to an Alphabits commercial]
Announcer: Why are Alpha-Bits fun to eat? Because you can eat-
Teddy Ruxpin: [Suddenly appears from the bottom right corner and speaks demonically] Critic!
Nostalgia Critic: [Yelps in fright before flipping channels again]

[A commercial for the JDRF is shown]
Woman in commercial: Finally, we have found a cure for diabetes.
Nostalgia Critic: WHAT!?
Woman in commercial: I can't wait for the day I make that announcement.
Nostalgia Critic: COCKTEASE!
Woman in commercial: For over 16 years...
Nostalgia Critic: No, I'm sorry! You lost me! You totally lost me at that fakeout! I don't care what you're promoting! In fact, you know what? [Whips out his cell phone and starts dialing] I'm gonna give 5 people diabetes right now! [Puts his phone up to his ear] Yeah, it's the Critic! Inject them! [Puts his phone down] Oh, just a little side project I got going. [Chuckles, pause] Good God, I might be horrible!

[A commercial for the Slim Suit is shown]
Nostalgia Critic: Okay, folks, get ready for the dumbest thing you have ever seen!
Woman in commercial: ...could ever think I could lose weight while watching TV.
Another woman in commercial: Can you believe we’re losing weight by talking on the phone?
Nostalgia Critic: [Smiling] No. No, I can't. In fact, I'm going to call lying on that.
Announcer: Just put it on to take weight off. It's that easy!
Nostalgia Critic: No kidding?! The Slim Suit can help you lose weight by doing absolutely nothing! What, does it take off an ounce of weight a week or something?
A third woman in commercial: Six hours ago, I was absolutely panicked because this dress was too tight, so I knew to wear my Slim Suit, and now my dress fits perfectly.
Nostalgia Critic: [Sarcastically] REALLY? Six hours of wearing the Slim Suit can make you go down an entire dress size! Gah, that's incredible! I bet all of you other idiots out there were trying to exercise or eat right! [Laughs, then make an L shape with his fingers on his forehead] LOSER!
Announcer: And with amazing Slim Suit, one size fits all.
Nostalgia Critic: Yeah, especially for people like this guy— [Shows a picture of a morbidly obese man sitting at a computer] Most. One size will fit most.
Announcer: Yes, everyone can look great in Slim Suit.
Nostalgia Critic: Okay, now that's definitely a lie. [Shows a shot of a young woman in the Slim Suit talking on the phone] Look at this girl. You know she's got a date to the prom.
Announcer: It's simple: the more active, the more Slim Suit works for you.
Nostalgia Critic: OH! NO SHIT! The more you exercise, the more Slim Suit will help you lose weight! Yeah, it's pretty subtle that way. It's almost as if you... DON'T NEED IT AT ALL!
Announcer: It's the shape-up plan you don’t have to hassle with. Just put it on to take it off. Take it easy, or take it to the max!
Nostalgia Critic: [Imitating announcer] Professionals also recommend these magic beans, mixed with a placebo brought to you by the Tooth Fairy... when you're in Oz.
Announcer: For everyday wear or every night, you can actually wake up weighing less. No harmful pills or starvation diets.
Nostalgia Critic: And all you had to do was sacrifice your fucking common sense!
Announcer: Because of the incredible demand for Slim Suits, supplies are limited.
Nostalgia Critic: Yeah, we only made five of these, because we thought only five people would be dumb enough to buy it! You proved us wrong, America!
Announcer: So order now, to put Slim Suit on to take weight off. Your Slim Suit comes complete with a Pounds-Off program at no extra charge.
Nostalgia Critic: Wait, wait, wait! What program? You said all we had to do was sit on our asses. What, is there a... time-scale for sitting on our asses?
Women in commercial: Slim Suit works. I lose weight every time I wear it./Thanks to Slim Suit, I actually lost weight while sleeping.
Nostalgia Critic: It truly is the work of an artist. Perhaps a con artist, if you will.

Once Upon a Forest edit

[On the kindly old badger Cornelius]
Nostalgia Critic: He's played, as I've said before, by Broadway sensation Michael Crawford. Now some consider him a gifted musical genius. Others say he's pretentiously over the top. But one thing's for sure, though: he's a comedian's pot o' gold.
Cornelius: Prepare to be amazed! [He lets loose a small flying model of some sort from behind his desk, which swoops down and startles his Furling students] Well, what do you have to say?
Nostalgia Critic: [As one of the Furlings] You're lucky Gerard Butler sings worse than you?

Cornelius: Grrrrrreat honk!
Nostalgia Critic: Great honk? [An image of ducks holding a sign “HONK!” is shown]
Cornelius: Great honk!
Nostalgia Critic: Great Hulk? [An image of the Incredible Hulk is shown]
Cornelius: Great honk!
Nostalgia Critic: Great hawk? [An image of Henery Hawk is shown]
Cornelius: Great honk!
Nostalgia Critic: Great hog? [An image of Pumbaa is shown]
Cornelius: Great honk!
Nostalgia Critic: Stop making up words!

Little Nemo edit

Professor Genius: We have been sent here on a mission by King Morpheus, the King of Slumberland.
Nemo: King Morpheus? [Music from "The Matrix" starts playing before we cut to the Critic impersonating that movie's Morpheus, complete with a reflection of Nemo in his glasses]
Nostalgia Critic: If you take the blue pill, you'll wake up in your bed believing whatever you want to believe. If you take the red pill, you'll end up in Slumberland. [Pause] MACHIIIINES! So, the King wants Nemo to be the official playmate of his daughter, Camille. But Nemo has some reservations.
Nemo: Wait a minute! This Princess is a girl?
[Cut to the Critic looking unsure]
Nostalgia Critic: You're sure you want to continue with him being the protagonist, movie? You still have time to switch. I'd much rather see what the father's doing at work.

[Nemo is driving the blimp]
Nostalgia Critic: [As Announcer] And little Nemo seems to be piloting it-[Footage of the Hindenburg disaster is intercut with the film] Oh, it burst into flames! It burst into flames! Nemo has killed God knows how many enchanted creatures! This is the worst tragedy ever! Oh ho, I'm at a loss for words, ladies and gentlemen! What numb-nuts actually put a small child in charge of a blimp, I-I simply cannot tell you!
[The following text appears on the screen]
Nostalgia Critic: [Reading] Note: We are aware that we've been using the Hindenburg joke too much but in this case we simply found it unavoidable. You will not be seeing this joke ever again.
[The Hindenburg clip resumes]
Nostalgia Critic: Oh, the humanity! Oh, the whimsical cuddly humanity!

[King Morpheus' throne spins around to reveal he isn't there]
Professor Genius: Oh no, not again! Wait here. Search the garden!
Nostalgia Critic: [As the Professor] Our king is in another castle! Quick, find seven toadstools and place them in seven different locations! We have to cover this up as bizarrely as possible!

Announcer: Congratulations, Nostalgia Critic! You have gone this whole entire review without making ONE Finding Nemo joke! Congratulations!
Nostalgia Critic: Oh! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh! Oh! I never felt so loved! Oh! Oh! I’m the Nostalgia Critic, I remember it so you don’t have to! I can’t believe it! It’s unbelievable! [pause] Wait, doesn’t this count?

Old vs. New - True Grit edit

Nostalgia Critic: First, let's look at our main character of the film... Mattie! Yeah, "Best Supporting Actress" my ass! She's the main character and we all know it! You're goin' first! [Cut to a clip from "The Big Lebowski"]
The Dude: Dude, come on!
Nostalgia Critic: SHUT UP!

[On the supporting characters of the two films]
Nostalgia Critic: Again, kind of a tough call, but I think I'm gonna go with the remake. Why? Because it has the Bear Guy in it! I mean, who was that?! Where did he come from?! What's his story?! We'll never know, and by God it's killing us trying to find out!
Bear Man: Now I have taken his teeth / I will entertain an offer... for the rest of him. [Cut to a clip from "The Big Lebowski"]
The Dude: ...Far out.
Nostalgia Critic: That guy was awesome! Point goes to the new, I love the Bear Guy!
1969 LaBoeuf: I'm of a mind to give you five or six good licks with my belt!

Transformers 3 Review edit

[After starting up a review of "Transformers 3", the Critic is summoned to court, where he finds himself side-by-side with another of Doug Walker's characters, Chester A. Bum]
Off-screen Judge: Court will come to order.
Chester A. Bum: Your Honor. Ladies and gentlemen of the jur-nur-ma-ry. [Now turning to the Critic] Thief! I think we all know how my reviews go, and that clearly this charlatan is stealing from them! Now I may be an old-fashioned bum, but in my day, when somebody was stealing something, it was in the best nature to make that bastard pay!
Nostalgia Critic: Oh come on, the "Transformer" review was one of the first reviews I ever did, I was still discovering my identity. I do that kind of review every time a "Transformer" movie comes out - it's tradition.
Chester A. Bum: You saw me mumbling that review to myself on the street and decided to steal it!
Nostalgia Critic: Yeah, but I finally gave you a job doing all those reviews, didn't I? I mean, sure, our styles were similar back then, but as time went on I discovered that I was much more comfortable ripping off Lewis Black.
Chester A. Bum: Need I remind you that you have not done a traditional Nostalgia Critic review in weeks?! Even this court room scenario is just a clever way for you to be lazy!
Nostalgia Critic: [Gesturing to the background] Hey, these green screens are hard—
Chester A. Bum: Don't change the subject!
Nostalgia Critic: Anyway, need I remind you that I did an "Old vs. New" of "True Grit" recently?
Chester A. Bum: Those don't count! Anyway, everyone stopped listening to you after you said the new "Karate Kid" was better than the old!
Nostalgia Critic: Hey, that wasn't even Pat Morita's accent!

Milk Money edit

[Taking issue with what he feels is the movie's flawed premise]
Nostalgia Critic: OK, here's the thing: if you wanna talk about a kid's sexual discovery, that's fine, but they're doing it in such a cutesy way. Do it in an adult movie - this is not the right way to handle it. Oh, don't believe me? Don't believe me that it's overly sappy and cutesy? Well, let's take a look at the three kids here: ya got one kid always telling jokes, another kid who's concerned with being clean and the last kid who's obsessed with his leather jacket and good-looking hair. Sound familiar?! [Cuts to a clip from "Full House"] That's right! If you wanted to hear the equivalent of "Full House" talking about their sexual discoveries, get outta here before I KILL you!

Nostalgia Critic: You feel that uncomfortable tingling in the back of your neck that tells you you're going to Hell for watching this? [Beat] That means you're still human. Hold onto that.

Rad edit

Announcer: [to Duke Best] Now, uh, what is the concept behind Helltrack?
Duke Best: Well, you see, Bill, we decided that we needed our…very own Super Bowl, so we hired the very best experts to build and design a track that combines the…the different styles and-and skills of BMX racers and freestylers.
Nostalgia Critic: You know, can’t people just tell this guy is evil? He has it written all over him. I mean, could you see him running a daycare or something? [imitates Duke Best holding a book] And now, uh, children, we’re now going to read the story of “The Three Little Pigs.” Uh, “The Three Little Pigs.” [opens the book] Here we go... “The wolf ate the three little pigs...” and-and that’s it. [closes the book. Children can be heard crying in the background] Oh, grow up! They’re just pigs! They’re just pigs.

Nostalgia Critic: So the big race is here and Cru is finally ready for action. I sure hope this means watching the same people go around the same track about a dozen fucking times until I wish a bulldozer would run over my nuts on a pile of hot pokers. [A starter's pistol is fired]
Announcer: There's the gun!
Nostalgia Critic: Oh no, I was totally wrong! This is watching the same people go around the same track about a dozen fucking times until I wish a bulldozer would run over my nuts on a pile of hot pokers IN SLOW MOTION! By God, I never thought I would say this, but put on NASCAR! [Cru then performs a back flip]
Announcer: Oh my heart, a back flip! Hulk Hogan eat your heart out!
Nostalgia Critic: [Utterly confused] He would if this was wrestling, but it's not! It's biking, so that makes no sense.

Ducktales edit

Nostalgia Critic: [drunk] 'Ey, ya think Goslyn from Darkwing Duck is really just Huey in drag...?

Reporter: And how do you explain your phenomenal wealth, Mr. McDuck?
Scrooge McDuck: Simple. I made it by being smarter than the smarties and tougher than the toughies!
Nostalgia Critic: I also embezzled Mickey Mouse out of house and home but that's another story!

[After a plane carrying everyone begins to spiral out of the sky]
Nostalgia Critic: But thankfully, they have the Junior Woodchucks Guidebook that shows them how to fly a plane. And for those who don't know, this is the all-knowing plot device that has the answer for everything, like Penny's book from "Inspector Gadget", or Wilson from "Home Improvement", or the Code of the West from "C.O.W.-Boys of Moo Mesa". [Cut to another room]
Chester A. Bum: Oh my God, you watched that?!
Nostalgia Critic: Hey, shut up! There was nothing else on in that time slot.
Chester A. Bum: Jesus Christ, I'm embarrassed for you!
Nostalgia Critic: Oh shut up!
Chester A. Bum: You shut up! Go ahead and watch Cowboy Cows, or... Cow Cows, or... Boy Cows, or... my God, I can't believe you actually watched that!
Nostalgia Critic: Are you done?
Chester A. Bum: NEVAAAAAAAAAAA— [The Critic grows tired of the conversation and uses a remote to switch back to his review]

[On the introduction of Mrs. Beekly and Weeby]
Nostalgia Critic: I don't know, maybe it's my inner little boy, but I just hate this fucking character. With her precious little bow and cutey-cute dress and her cootie filled eyes. BOYS FOREVER! NO GIRLS ALLOWED! I'M NEVER GOING TO LIKE GIRLS TIL THE DAY I DIE... [close-up photo of a woman's breasts]
Nostalgia Critic: AH, SHIT! Boobies ruin everything...

Care Bears In Wonderland edit

[The White Rabbit shows Swift Heart a picture of Alice]
White Rabbit: You and your friends must help me find this girl!
Nostalgia Critic: Oh, you mean... Princess Peach? Yeah, there's no comparison - it's fucking Princess Peach! And we find out later that she's been kidnapped by an evil monster in a magical land from a giant castle. Why is it fucking "Care Bears In Wonderland" is closer to a Super Mario Brothers movie than the actual "Super Mario Brothers" movie?! OK, OK, keep the review focused, we're hating this film!

Nostalga Critic: But Alice is upset because - wait for it - she DOESN'T FEEL SPECIAL.
Alice: What's the use? There's such special people out there, and I'm... just me. Oh, Dinah. It doesn't matter what I do. I'm just... not special.
Nostalgia critic: [As Alice] Oh, curse this youthful face, expressive eyes, long flowing hair, perfect teeth, clear skin and excellent speaking voice: I want to be special. You know, like Susie down the street, with her head retainer, bad acne and unexplained third eye? [An image of a girl with these characteristics appears onscreen] She's the girl we all want to be!

[Alice is climbing a mountain]
Nostalgia Critic: You know, this doesn't seem especially princessy! I mean, Where in the book does it say she has to climb a freaking mountain in a God damn ball gown? Isn't this more like training a Navy SEAL by having a tea party? [A red vulture appears] Oh hey, look, it's [Scary voice] DAAAAAARRRKHEEEAAAARRT!

Nostalgia Critic: I'm the Nostalgia Critic and I don't care!
Care Bear: [off-screen] Did somebody say "care"?
Nostalgia Critic: [sighs] Excuse me for a moment. [walks off-screen with a hammer]
[The sound of punching is heard]
Care Bear: [off-screen] AHH! AHHH! OOHHH! OH MY GOD!

Cop and a Half edit

[On Burt Reynolds and his young co-star]
Nostalgia Critic: So they banter a bit, he acts annoying, he acts stupid, he thinks a purse is being stolen when really it's just a guy returning it to his wife - it's pretty fucking boring. Hell, there's even a fruit stand they don't knock over. How can you call yourself a 1990s buddy cop movie and not knock over the goddamn fruit stand?! The one cliché you're supposed to follow and you fucked it up. Look at Reynolds - he's supposed to be acting in this scene, but you know all he's thinking in his head is "God I wanna hit that fruit stand! God I wanna hit that fruit stand! Bam bam bam! Oranges flyin' everywhere!" But no, ya totally missed it. Hand over your badge, movie! You're suspended!

Top 11 Batman TAS Episodes edit

[The episode opens with the Critic donning a vintage Batman cowl and imitating Michael Keaton's version of the character]
Nostalgia Critic: Hello, I'm Batman. I remember it because I'm Batman. Today, we're gonna look at one of the greatest animated shows that ever hit television: Batman: The Animated Series. And by the way, [Now lifting a line out of "Batman"] you weigh a little more than a hundred-and-eight— [Reverts to his normal voice] OK, I'm sorry, I-I can't do Keaton very well. Uh, let's try, uh, Christian Bale. [Clears his throat, then switches to Bale's infamous raspy voice and lifts a line from "The Dark Knight"] This cartoon just showed you that it's full of people READY TO BELIEVE IN GOOD! [Now back to his normal voice] OK, that's not gonna work. Uh, let's try, uh, Val Kilmer. [Clearing his throat and changing voices again, he lifts a line from "Batman Forever"] I'll get drive-through— [Back to his normal voice] OK, that's definitely not gonna happen. Uh, let's try George Clooney. [He merely sits in place for a few seconds, unable to come up with anything] Hi, I'm George Clooney. OK, fuck this shit! [Removes the cowl] I'm just doing it as myself. Yes, I've gone on record several times saying that "Batman: The Animated Series" is the best nostalgic show ever, as well as one of the best cartoons of all time. It was dark, it was tragic, it was funny, it was goofy, it was serious - it had something for everybody. But which episodes were the absolute best? Which ones left the greatest impact on us, whether it be action-packed or dramatically heartbreaking? There's a lot to choose from and I promise I'll try to keep my spoilers to a minimum. Oh, except maybe this one: "BATMAN AND ROBIN" SUCKS! The only downside is I don't have any more Batmans to imitate. Oh, wait a minute - Kevin Conroy! That's fitting! Hehe, hold on, let me just take some, uh, testosterone pills here. [Pops some pills into his mouth, then two loud "thuds" are heard a second later as the Critic looks down at his lap, and when he finally speaks again his voice is much deeper] Whoa, my testicles just hit the floor! This is the Top 11 Best Batman Animated Series Episodes. [Pauses, then lifts one more line from "The Dark Knight"] I don't wear hockey pads!

Alaska edit

Nostalgia Critic: [describing Sean] Oh, and by the way, he's a dick in this movie!
Sean: Maybe I'll buy myself a one-way ticket back to Chicago.
Jake: I don't have time for this now, Sean.
Sean: Mom would've had time! None of this would be happening if she was still here, none of this!
Jake: But, Sean...she's not here.
Sean: Yeah? Well, I wish you had died and not her! [Enters his room and slams door]
Nostalgia Critic: Okay, this shit really pisses me off. Losing a parent is a serious thing before Disney turned it into a common fad. But, even then, they at least tried to play to how hard it can be in a semi-plausible manner. Here, it's just a means to an end-a plot device, and it's way too rushed and way too over the top. We just find out in this scene that their mom is dead, and that's the line that follows our discovery of it! There's no lead-up, no segue, no trying to understand what he's going through, just the line:
Sean: Well, I wish you had died and not her!
Nostalgia Critic: Aaaaand I hope you choke on your testicles, you little prickhorse! Yeah, I hate him, and there's no way you can make me like him! I don't care if he cures cancer, I'm still not gonna enjoy his character! That was so mean-spirited and so out of nowhere that I hope he just spontaneously combusts when he goes into that room!
Sean: Well, I wish you had died and not her! [When he slams his door, an explosion is heard]
Nostalgia Critic: [Makes sign of the cross] And no one will miss him! Next!

Nostalgia Critic: OH, COME ON! Are you seriously telling me they can’t see that?! You’re honestly saying that the rescue crew, the people who specialize in doing this, can’t see a banana-colored plane on the edge of a mountain ON THEIR THIRD TIME AROUND?! Look at this, they’re practically in the same frame. THE SAME FRAME! Just turn your head to the fucking right, AND YOU’LL SEE THE GODDAMN THING! Well, hell, the guy has flares. That should be able to get their attention, right?[Jake fires his flare into the air, yet the helicopter doesn’t see it and flies away] Oh, fuck you, movie! Fuck you! I’ve seen better eyesight on Mr. Magoo’s vision test! What the hell’s wrong with these people? This is the worst rescue ever! Imagine if these idiots actually went on foot! Can you see how well THAT would go?

Nostalgia Critic: [imitating Charlton Heston's character] With color the same of a golden sunrise, Golden Crisp gives you that satisfying taste that only God's good pure Earth can give you! Plus, it's represented by...a BEAR!

[The poachers are getting out the dead mother bear]
Nostalgia Critic: And if you think that's cruel just look at what happens next.
Poacher: Ooh there's a good little bear [shoves mother's corpse in the cub's face so the cub can pet it] Oooh yes
Nostalgia Critic: [he's seen with his mouth open, then recovers) OK, that is beyond sick!... I mean that is fucked up! OK, there's being mean in a movie, then there's being the Devil! This is... the Devil's Devil, the Devil the Devil goes to when he's not being devilish enough! [shows Satan next to an even larger Devil who is obviously Satan from Dante's Inferno videogame)

Let's Play Bart's Nightmare edit

Nostalgia Critic: Perhaps some of you remember my video game review of "Bébé's Kids". [Cut to a clip of the Critic destroying the game from that review] And my video game review of "Blues Brothers" on my Volume 2 DVD. [Cut to a clip of the Critic going crazy from that review] They sucked. But needless to say, people love to see me get tortured by video games. Well no more - I'm not doing anymore video game reviews! But it doesn't mean that I have to not play video games anymore. I heard of this wonderful thing on the Internet called "Let's Play". This is where someone just hooks up their video game to their computer, does a quick run-through of it and just tells them what they think. Now that sounds much easier than just analyzing and putting an actual review together. As you can imagine, just playing a video game is much easier than having to review a video game. This is gonna be a walk in the park. So what video game am I gonna do today? Well let's try "Bart's Nightmare". As we all know, anything with the "Simpsons" name has to be gold... that is, except for the show right now. But anything else connected with "The Simpsons" is always gonna be fantastic! [Cut to a picture of "Bart vs. the Space Mutants"] Well, except for that. [Cut to a picture of "Bart vs. the World"] And that one, too. [Cut to a picture of "Virtual Bart"] Um, SHUT UP!
Nostalgia Critic: [after losing the game for a final time] FUCK THIS GAME! [pulls out the game and slices it in half with a bonesaw while screaming; following dialogue spoken quickly and angrily] Fuck this noise, man! I'm going back to movie reviews next week! This is bullshit! I'm never doing another GODDAMN game again! FUCK IT, FUCK IT, FUCK IT! "Bart's Nightmare", you are an anus! DYAH!

James and the Giant Peach edit

[The review begins with a live news feed focused on an empty podium at a place called the Internet State Penitentiary]
Broadcaster's Voice: We are live at a press conference here in Chicago, Illinois where we hear that any minute, the Nostalgia Critic is going to make a public appearance addressing his last video. For those who are unaware, the Nostalgia Critic posted a "Let's Play" of "Bart's Nightmare" last week which was considered by many to be so horrendously unfunny that they'd rather shove a needle factory up their scrotums. Ah, and here is the Nostalgia Critic preparing to explain his actions. [He appears from the right and steps up to the podium]
Nostalgia Critic: Um, hello everyone, uh, I'm the Nostalgia Critic, uh, I remember it so you don't have to. Uh, they allowed me a short amount of time out of the Internet State Penitentiary... little surprised to see that place actually existed, but apparently it's right next to the State Home for the Ugly. So, uh, they allowed me a short time out to answer your questions addressing the video I did last week. [Points to his first question] Uh, yes.
Female Reporter: How does it feel to know that you've made the absolute worst "Let's Play" to ever be put on the Internet?
Nostalgia Critic: [Pause] Bad. Definitely, uh, bad. Uh, but hopefully I can make some more funny videos and move on from there. [Points to his next question] Yes.
Male Reporter: I had a robber break into my house, kill my wife and eat my children. Uh, he's not as bad as you.
Nostalgia Critic: [Awkward Pause] Thank you for that. And, uh, I'm very sorry for your loss.
Male Reporter: Don't gimme your pity.
Nostalgia Critic: [Points to his next question] Uh, yes.
Second Male Reporter: [Clears his throat] Melvin the Brother of the Joker, Emo Jones, this recent "Let's Play", Nazi Germany... that is all.
Nostalgia Critic: OK, uh, if we could keep the questions to actual questions, uh, that'd be fantastic. [Points to his next question] Uh, yes.
Angry Reporter: How do you account for this travesty among the world?!
Nostalgia Critic: Look, um, when everything is said and done, at the end of the day... I just made a bad video. [Gasps are heard in the crowd]
Angry Female Voice: INEXCUSABLE! [Suddenly Chester A. Bum stands up and points to the Critic]
Chester A. Bum: Your fans deserve better, Mr. McCritic! Sure, you tried something new, it didn't work, it bombed like mad, but now you deserve to give your fans something better! I mean, I liked it, I thought it was the greatest video I ever saw in my life, but you owe your fans something better!
Nostalgia Critic: Well, I'll-I'll tell you what, I'll tell you what: why don't I do a positive review of a movie a lot of people seem to enjoy?
Chester A. Bum: Oh, you mean like James and the Giant Peach?
Nostalgia Critic: James and the Giant Peach? That hunk of... [He turns to the crowd, stopping himself and forcing a smile] ...cinematic brilliance?

[On a scene in which James and his parents are looking for patterns in the clouds]
Nostalgia Critic: Wow, the timing of those clouds was perfect. I mean, they formed the Empire State Building just as James's parents tell him they're going to the Empire State Building. I wish the clouds in my neighbourhood were that convenient. Ah, if only there was a way I could avoid the Chicago traffic.
[Clouds appear above him spelling "THE L TRAIN"]
Nostalgia Critic: Take the L train, of course, that's a great idea! Aw, but which one goes to the loop?
Nostalgia Critic: Of course, how stupid of me! But what if I want to keep my options open?
[The clouds display a map of the Chicago train routes]
Nostalgia Critic: Wow, that's amazingly helpful! Thanks, incredibly convenient passing pile of clouds.
[The clouds read "MAPQUEST CAN SUCK IT"]

Nostalgia Critic: So of course now he has to live with his evil aunts. Yeah, how come the kindest parents in the world always have the most dick-ass relatives?
Sponge: Look at him!
Spiker: Lolly gagging in dream land! When there's so much work to do!
Sponge: Weeds to pull, wood to chop.
Spiker & Sponge: [slowly generating creepy faces as they yell] Work, work, work, work, WORK!
Nostalgia Critic: Okay, I think this calls for another...Scary Slow Mo. [Clip of Spiker and Sponge replays in slow motion, giving the Critic shivers] Jesus Christ! I wonder if they use that picture for their email greetings!
[In the style of an e-card, the still shot of the two aunts yelling is used as a background]
Greeting Card: Happy New Year from the Hag Sisters! May all your resolutions come true, and don't forget to WOOOOOOORK!

Nostalgia Critic: Well, that scene was necessary because it informed us that James is afraid of a giant rhinoceros that ate his parents. JEEZ, I NEVER WOULD HAVE PUT TOGETHER THAT JAMES WAS AFRAID OF A GIANT RHINOCEROS THAT ATE HIS PARENTS! I'm surprised Randy didn't write a song about it. [Impersonating Randy Newman's singing] Rhinos, they scare little boys / Assassinating parents don't bring them much joy- It's Randy.

The Avengers edit

Nostalgia Critic: Guess what? I was lookin' at the lineup, and it turns out the very next movie I'm gonna review is "The Avengers"! [Promotional posters from the upcoming comic book adaptation are shown over dramatic music] I know! Can you believe it, right? One of the most hyped up comic book movies of all time! I-I didn't even know it was finished yet! But apparently, we're gonna take a look at it and see how it holds up. Are you ready? I know I sure am. Let's take a sneak peek at what we're in store for. [Cut to the title screen and music for the unrelated 1998 movie of the same name] NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! [Inhales] NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! [Inhales one more time] NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! [Drops his head to his desk and pauses before throwing up his arms] Go ahead.

Nostalgia Critic: [after Father is introduced] Father? The woman's Father? Let me see if I understand this ministry correctly: you have a woman named Father, a man named Mother, a package instructing agents how to pick up a phone, a message telling a woman to meet in a place where no women are allowed, and most likely letting a criminal with hard evidence against her solve her own crime?! Does anything in this agency make sense!? Everything is totally frigging upside-down! Hell, while we're at it, why don't we throw in some more confusing names! [starts speaking in a British accent] Ah yes, after you have the information, drop it off to Agent Sister [an old man], who will then drop it off to Agent Brother [a teenage girl], right after handing it over to Agent Cat [a Dalmatian], who will relay the message to Mr. Dog [a tabby], and Mr. Dog will confirm it with Agent Black [a Ku Klux Klan member]. I'm so glad things work so sensibly around here!

Nostalgia Critic: Okay, I'm just going to sum up how every conversation in this movie goes.
[a scene from the movie plays with the Critic voicing the characters]
Emma Peel: I'm going to start saying something clever, while you...
John Steed: ...finish your sentence.
Emma Peel: Witty retort...
John Steed: ...topped by me.
Emma Peel: Winking smile.
John Steed: Returned.

Nostalgia Critic: And that's "The Avengers". What a cup of dick! [praising the film] The sets are dull, the dialogue is dull, the characters are dull, and it hinges on a dull junk! If we think just seems to be on autopilot, there's no passion or drive to anything that happens. You totally forget you saw it, just a few minutes after the viewing! So, Avengers, if you really want to avenge something, but then this piece-of-shit movie for making us suffer so much! [cuts back to the Critic] Let's say it's pretty bad when the god of thunder, a can opener, and the Jolly Green Giant looks much more plausible than this!

Simon Sez edit

Obscuras Lupa: You may notice that one of the first things we see in this film is the classic late 90s ploy of spelling the title wrong.
Nostalgia Critic: "Simon Sezzzzzzzzz"? Jesus, what's the point of spelling it that way, anyhow? [Cut to a familiar room where "Smells Like Teen Spirit" is playing]
90s Kid: [Importing one of Linkara's recurring jokes] It's because poor literacy is KEEEEEWWWWWL!
Obscuras Lupa: That it is, 90s Kid.
90s Kid: DUUUUUUUDE! Can I be in your crossover?
Nostalgia Critic: No.
90s Kid: Oh, come on! I've already got the script written out and everything! [Starts reading it aloud] "Lupa and 90s Kid start making out—" Oh, uh, thi-this is my fan fiction... [Lupa rolls her eyes and sighs] Oh, here we go, this is the real script: [Clears his throat] "90s Kid and Lupa start making out—" [The Critic uses his remote to cut him off and go back to their review]

The Tommyknockers edit

Nostalgia Critic: While that's going on, we cut to a poet played by Jimmy Smits who's an— [Exasperated sigh] Oh God, an alcoholic? Really?!
Jim Gardner: I haven't had a drink in about a year now...
Nostalgia Critic: Jesus, we've got all the callback characters in check! Why don't we just sing the cast that appears in every Stephen King movie?! [The theme song to "Gilligan's Island" starts playing, but with different lyrics and accompanying parody images of Maine and the miniseries' characters]
Singers: The people live in Maine, of course - there's nowhere else to live
With the writer, the alcoholic, too
The adulterer and his whore
Some dumb rednecks, a disappointing resolution
Here in Stephen King's Maine!

Nostalgia Critic: While that’s going on, Hilly’s brother is frightened by something he hears making noise in the closet. [Davey approaches the closet that is glowing with green light, opens it, and a figure with glowing yellow fingertips spooks him] [as the figure] ZUUL, MOTHERFUCK-[Davey slams the closet door in fright] OW! Son of a bitch. Ow.
Davey: [Wakes up Hilly] Hilly, wake up. There’s a monster in my closet.
Nostalgia Critic: [as the figure in the closet] Don’t listen to him! Just put your delicious brains back to sleep. Doop-ee-doop-ee-doop.
Hilly: [opens the closet door and finds nothing] It’s not a monster, Squirt.
Nostalgia Critic: But Hilly doesn’t see any monster and tells his brother to go back to sleep.
Davey: Can I sleep in your bed tonight?
Hilly: Sure. [gets into bed with Davey] Back we go, all warm and safe and toasty.
Nostalgia Critic: [suspicious] Eww, I don’t like the way he said that. [Hilly turns out the light and goes back to sleep, snuggling near Davey] And I don’t like the way he’s snuggling with him, either. You know, Maine is sick. Do you know that, Maine? You’re very sick!

The Haunting edit

Nostalgia Critic: [Skipping his usual opening line and quietly fuming to himself] OK, I'm just gonna level with you: I really fucking hate today's movie. A lot. Not because the movie itself sucks, although it DOES, but because it's a remake of one of the greatest ghost stories of all time, "The Haunting". [Cut to that film's title screen] Directed by the world renowned Robert Wise, this psychological and paranormal horror film played off the fact that you didn't know how much of the ghost story was real ghosts and how much was in the head of our mentally tortured protagonist. You know films like "Paranormal Activity, "The Others" or even "The Blair Witch Project" where the fear comes from what you don't see rather than what you do? This is the film that perfected that. And even if you don't find it scary, it's a brilliant character study and a Gothic story. It was a brilliant film back then and it's a brilliant film right now. So director Jan de Bont - ya know, this fucker [Cut to a poster for the movie "Twister"] - came up one day and said "What does that Robert Wise schmuck know?! He hasn't directed anything good! I mean, what does he have under his belt? Just 'The Day the Earth Stood Still', 'Sound of Music', 'West Side Story', 'The Andromeda Strain', 'Sand Pebbles' - what a hack! I directed this shit, [Cut to posters for 'Speed 2' and 'Tomb Raider 2'] so I can do it so much better! I know it's scary - I made a tornado growl! [Cut to a scene from "Twister"] I'm the master of fucking subtlety!"

Nostalgia Critic: So everybody's off to the haunted house to partake in the sleep experiment. And this brings me to my first downgrade in the comparison. In this film, the doctor is tricking the subjects to come to the haunted house for some half-assed, not really explained very well experiment. In the original, HE JUST TELLS THEM THE TRUTH! They're there to study ghosts! That's much more interesting! Why fool them into thinking there's something else? It's just a time waster. Are we supposed to be surprised like they are that the place is haunted? Everyone in the audience knows they're going to a haunted house. Fuck, IT'S CALLED THE HAUNTING! Did you really think you were going to fool us? Next you'll be telling me that "Peter Rabbit" is about a FUCKING TURTLE!

Nostalgia Critic: [After Eleanor in the remake says 'Who was holding my hand?'] What's that? You are wondering what that line has to do with anything? Well again, let's go back to the original. [Plays footage from the original scene while voicing over] You see, they built up this big scary scene that Theo was next to Eleanor comforting her, supposedly holding her hand. When in reality they discovered when they turned on the light, nobody was holding her hand at all. Now naturally, this scene lasted four to five minutes, building up suspense and tension. In this film, it's just one friggin line. [Replays scene from remake] What do you mean "who was holding your hand"? When did you ever indicate someone was holding your hand? Did someone grab it when she was shoved out of bed? Is that it? Well that's really, fucking, poorly handled YOU SCHMUCKS! JUST BECAUSE YOU STEAL A LINE FROM A SCARY MOVIE DOESN'T MAKE IT AUTOMATICALLY SCARY! IT'S CALLED "ATMOSPHERE" AND "GIVING A CRAP"! GOD, I COULD WRITE A BOOK ABOUT HOW SHITTY THIS REMAKE IS! ACTUALLY, I DID - IT'S CALLED "HOW SHITTY THIS REMAKE IS". [Cut to a picture of that same book] IT'S A PRETTY EASY READ - ALL IT CONTAINS IS THE WORDS "THIS MOVIE SUCKS! THIS MOVIE SUCKS! THIS MOVIE SUCKS!" [Cut to an excerpt from Chapter 1 with that phrase written over and over]

The Nostalgia Critic: The Flying Spaghetti Monster comes in to cause more trouble.
[Eleanor sees a ghost flying across her room and the angle cuts to two windows in the room which look like eyes)
The Nostalgia Critic: [sigh) Well, it's official. The House has turned into a cartoon.
[a huge cartoon grin appears on the wall beneath the windows)
Hill House: I'M GONNA KILL YOU, ELEANOR! Heeheehee!

[As Eleanor, Theo and Luke run to the exit]
Nostalgia Critic: ...and it's been a horrible movie with horrible characters and bland storytelling, we have yet to find its Jumping the Shark moment. Wait? I think there's one right now. Could this be it, Owen Wilson being dragged to the fireplace? Wait, I think they're going to do it, yes they're about to - [Hugh Crain smashes a statue on Luke's head killing him) YES they finally did it - they Jumped the Shark, ladies and gentlemen, the shark has been jumped! Not only have they pissed on the intelligence of the people who saw the original film they have also pissed on the intelligence of us, the movie-goers! My God, I have seen some shark-jumping in my day, but that, that is total cock-dick!

[as the terrible CGI souls of the children are set free, the ghost of Luke (Owen Wilson) shows up holding his decapitated head]
Luke: What the hell! You saved the people that were already dead and yet you left me like a chicken with his head cut off? Oh fuck this shit, man. I'm going to do Ben Stiller movies. They're intentionally funny.

Nostalgia Critic: I'm the Nostalgia Critic, and not even a bisexual Catherine Zeta-Jones could save this movie. [Beat] Think about that.

Blair Witch 2 - Book of Shadows edit

Nostalgia Critic: Let's talk about "The Blair Witch Project". In 1999, this movie got a lot of hype for creating a lot of scares with a less-than-minimal budget. It was shot mostly on a video camera and starred three film students in the middle of the woods. Audiences even to this day are rather split about it - some call it one of the scariest movies of all time, while others say it's just a shaky-cam vomiting mess. Whatever people's thoughts, there's no denying it had a huge impact. Not only did the movie make a ton of money, but it also inspired the home video horror genre - ya know, films like "Cloverfield", "The Last Exorcism" and of course "Paranormal Activity" - all of them pulling off big Hollywood scares with a home video touch. Well, just a mere one year later after the film's release, Artisan came along and said "Hey! If they made a bundle with little money and clever ideas, surely we can do the opposite with the sequel!" [Beat] "Well too bad, that's what we're doing." [The movie's title screen is shown] You know those direct-to-DVD sequels? Well, this is one of those direct-to-garbage-can sequels. It looks so rushed, so half-assed and so having little to do with the original that you'd swear they took a totally different movie and just slapped the words "Blair Witch 2" on it. Ya know, something like "The Departed: Blair Witch 2," "Alien vs. Predator: Blair Witch 2" or "Toy Story 2: Blair Witch 2"!

Exorcist 2 edit

Nostalgia Critic: So Burton realizes he has to prepare to travel to Africa to find the exorcized boy who grew up into the man named Kokumo, which gives Regan much more time to interact with the kids at the center.
Sandra: [Stuttering] I-I’m aut-t-t-tis-tic. I-I c-can’t talk.
Regan: But you’re talking now.
Sandra: [Shakes her head]
Regan: Yes, you are. I can hear you.
Sandra: W-What’s the matter with you?
Regan: I was possessed by a demon.
Nostalgia Critic: [Reacts with surprise] Pbbbt! What?!
Regan: Oh, it’s okay. He’s gone.
Nostalgia Critic: Oh, that's okay, then. [Pause] No, actually, I think I’m gonna go back to my first reaction. WHAT?! God, who wrote that line? That was awful! Why would you admit that so casually to a stranger? And a little kid, no less! She’d be scared shitless! [As Sandra] So, what’s wrong with you?
Regan: I was possessed by a demon.
[The Nostalgia Critic, still as Sandra, reacts in a scared surprise with his eyes widened and the sound of him loosening his bowels]
Regan: Oh, it's okay. He's gone.
[The Nostalgia Critic, still as Sandra, appears scared, farting out one last bit of his empty bowels]

Regan: Do priests believe in ESP?
Father Lamont: Some do. In fact a French priest, Teilhard de Chardin, thought that we'd all come together eventually in some sort of mental telepathy...
Nostalgia Critic: Well that's fascinating...
Father Lamont: ...a kind of "world mind"...
Nostalgia Critic: Uh-huh...
Father Lamont: which everybody would share...
Nostalgia Critic: Interesting...
Father Lamont: ...Father Merrin himself believed that with modern scientific research it could happen quite soon...
Nostalgia Critic: Intriguing theory...
Father Lamont: ...but if it happens before we're ready...
Nostalgia Critic: Uh-huh...
Father Lamont: ...we may find ourselves pointing in the wrong direction...
Nostalgia Critic: Uh-huh...
Father Lamont: ...towards Satan.
Nostalgia Critic: What the fuck?! For God's sake, you don't have to work everything back to the devil! Just let a theory be a theory! "Two plus two equals four... which could possibly be Satan!"

Doug's 1st Movie edit

[The review starts with the Critic's head down on his desk in silent shame before he cues up the theme song from the "Doug" cartoon, shows the movie's title screen and then cuts to a scene from "A Few Good Men"]
Colonel Jessep: You fuckin' people...
Nostalgia Critic: Yes, indeed. For those who don't know, I have a particular hate for the cartoon series "Doug". Not because the show itself is an ungodly boring waste of time - though that certainly doesn't help - but more that anyone growing up with the name Doug was constantly tortured by the fact that this show was about a wimpy, unpopular dork-a-doofus who coincidentally shared the same name. Just hearing the theme music alone seems to be causing an impressive tumor in my brain that I have decided to name "Porkchop". I look forward to when it finally finishes me off and I never have to listen to that song again. [Beat] But I digress. Once Disney took over and started running the show on ABC as opposed to Nickelodeon, fans were outraged, because, you know, the original was such a classic. So once Disney asked the loyal fans if they would like to see a motion picture based on the astounding epic hero, people all over the world proudly replied "Eh", and the movie was made. And we're here to look at it today. Why? Because you GOD DAMN HATE ME!
Colonel Jessep: Fucking People...

[Doug is fantasising as Quailman]
Nostalgia Critic: I don't even get it. Does Doug just black out for awhile while his friends just look at him awkwardly?
Skeeter: [dubbed by the Critic] So, Doug, what do you think about the picture?
[cut to Doug daydreaming]
Skeeter: [worried] Doug, I miss you when you do this.
[cut to Doug still daydreaming]
Skeeter: Why do you go where I can't follow?...

[Doug has just given away an important fact in front of one of the bad guys]
Nostalgia Critic: DUMBASS! DUMBASS, DUMBASS, DUMBASS, DUMBASS! How much of a DUMBASS are you?! In fact, if you look up "dumbass" in the dictionary, you'll find a picture of...
[The Critic looks up the dictionary entry for "Dumbass," expecting to find a picture of Doug, but instead finds a picture of Tommy Wiseau by the entry]

[Roger's friends just made a giant robot and a shrinking ray]
Colonel Jessep: You fuckin' people...
Nostalgia Critic: BUT...I digress!

[After Doug disguises the monster as a teenage girl and brings it to school]
Patti: [Thinking to herself] Look at Doug with that cute girl!
Nostalgia Critic: Wait a minute. WHAT? [The line is repeated] OK, alright, I can believe the boys getting excited for the dance. I can believe the mayor not using her powers at all to prove an earth-shattering discovery. I can believe high schoolers can build a giant robot AND a shrinking ray and have none of that get any media attention. BUT... if you expect me to believe that any high school girl - high school girl, mind you - would look at this deformed demon, think he's a female student, and ACTUALLY VERBALLY ACKNOWLEDGE THAT SHE'S CUTE, YOU ARE ON METH! I mean, my God! Do you have ANY idea how the teenage female mind works?! They will pick apart anything that is not stylized perfection! This is the species that's turning this [Shows a picture of the cover of the first "Twilight" book] into a cultural phenomenon! They will criticize thighs - THIGHS, FOR GOD'S SAKE - AND YOU'RE SERIOUSLY TELLING ME THEY WOULD CALL THIS BEAUTY SHOW GENOCIDE CUTE?! YOU ARE FIRED FROM BREATHING! Please pack up your desk and kindly leave LIFE! BUT...I DIGRESS!

Patti: Doug, I'm not gonna stand here and be lied to! I'm not blind, you know! I know who you're really spending your time with, that Hermione girl you've been hanging around with all day!
Nostalgia Critic: I already made a Hogwarts joke, so I'll just let this one go.
Doug: Come on, Patti, she's not even a girl!
Patti: I know you think I must be dumb because I believed all of that monster stuff before, but I hope you don't think I'm that gullible, Doug!
Nostalgia Critic: [compares pictures of "Herman" and Emma Watson] Well, you think that THAT is THAT, and... REALLY, Doug? You're trying to date this girl?

The Cell edit

[A character, Henry West, is played by Dylan Baker, who was in the original series of Spider-man movies]
Henry West: Mr. Baines, I've been working on this project for seven years.
Nostalgia Critic: [as Baker] I don't care if they've rebooted the Spider-man movies - I should be the Lizard!

Superman: The Animated Series edit

[While seeing the destruction of Superman's home planet of Krypton]
Nostalgia Critic: You know, it just hit me: I don't think they ever specifically say in this version what it is that destroys them. Is it the inside of the planet? Is it colliding with another planet? Is the sun too close? [Beat] Is it Marvin the Martian again? [Cuts to a clip from the Looney Tunes cartoon "Hare-Way to the Stars" with the Critic's voice imitating that of Marvin the Martian] "Oh, I'm going to blow up Krypton. It obstructs my view of Venus." [The planet is finally shown blowing up]
Marvin the Martian: Isn't that lovely, hm?

[The Critic adds his own lyrics to the show's theme song over the review's credits]
Nostalgia Critic: Superman! Superman!
Does all the things super people can!
Fly around! Catch a plane!
Never get nookie from Lois Lane!

Felix the Cat - The Movie edit

[Instead of his usual opening line, the Critic crawls up from the floor underneath his desk]
Nostalgia Critic: Just do yourself a favor and go. Just go. Click on something else. Really, you don't wanna stay here. You won't survive it. [Laughs] I barely survived it! [Mouths those words before laughing with barely controlled rage] This movie's HORRENDOUS! It's horrendous! It's just ungodly, unnatural! IF A PIECE OF SHIT TOOK A PIECE OF SHIT AND THAT PIECE OF SHIT TOOK A PIECE OF SHIT AND THAT PIECE OF SHIT TOOK A PIECE OF SHIT AND THAT PIECE OF SHIT TOOK A PIECE OF SHIT AND THAT PIECE OF SHIT MADE A MOVIE... and that MOVIE TOOK A PIECE OF SHIT, THIS IS THAT PIECE OF SHIT YOU WOULD SEE! [Exhales] Felix the Cat.

[An unnecessary musical number starts up as a family of foxes looks at Felix's bag under which he is hiding]
Background singers: Sly as a fox, you got me under your spell.
Nostalgia Critic: Uh, does this really warrant a song? It's just some foxes looking at a bag. Why does this lend itself to musical accompaniment?
Background singers: And you just outfoxed yourself, the way I knew you would.
Nostalgia Critic: They must be learning from the Randy Newman School of Pointless Song Writing! [Footage of the fox family plays again]
Randy Newman: [Voiced by the Nostalgia Critic, singing] Foxes. They like looking at bags and then they walk away so their tails are gonna wag. You pay Randy, now.
Nostalgia Critic: He follows the tear down a hole where he sees the remains of an old mine.
Felix: I think I'm starting to fall for you. [laughs to himself, then comes across a skull] Boy, could you use a Big Mac, huh? [Laughs again, but this time it sounds very maniacal] Bleaah!
Nostalgia Critic: Boy, Felix is kind of sick, isn't he? Does he always laugh at the dead when he comes across them? [Mocks Felix while pointing off-screen camera left] Ha ha ha ha, you stupid Skull! Ha ha ha ha! Alright time to get some reading done, ahem! [Pulls up a history book titled History's monsters and opens it before pulling back his head to laugh] Ha, ha ha ha! Stupid people who died at the hands of Joseph Stalin! Bleaah!

Nostalgia Critic: While that's going on, the entertainer (Wack Lizardi) tries to force Felix to show how to use his magic bag.
Wack Lizardi: What is your name? [Felix doesn't answer] Alright, let's try again. What... is your name? [camera cuts to Pim doing... SOMETHING on one of the Cylinder robots but it basically looks like he's hopping on either foot while repeatedly saying "Eh eh eh eh!"]
Nostalgia Critic: The fuck is he doing?
Wack Lizardi: [now holding Felix's bag] Heh heh heh, that's real good! [Pim continues hopping on either foot for no reason] Listen, Pussycat. You wanna eat? Then you work.
Felix: My name is Felix. [Pim continues to do whatever he's doing on the cylinder]
Nostalgia Critic: STOP THAT! You're getting way too much enjoyment out of whatever you're doing! [Pim continues hopping on either foot] [chuckles] What did they even tell the person who was animating that? [imitates a director speaking to an animator] Alright, I want you to make it look like he's dry-humping a trash can. No questions damn it, no questions. I have a very specific vision!

Nostalgia Critic: So the show/circus/thing that the entertainer runs, finally begins. And, you're not gonna believe it, it's really loud, obnoxious and annoying!
Audience: [singing] Who is our boss? The Duke of Zill, of course! Who's never at a loss? The Duke of Zill, of course!
[a frame of Princess Oriana facepalming is shown]
Nostalgia Critic: What the anus? [the frame disappears] Okay, I have no idea why they just showed her face right there, but, let me tell you, it sums up the movie. That's the face I'm gonna make throughout the entire flick.
[another clip plays, with the Critic facepalming over it in the same way as Oriana]
Nostalgia Critic: [sighs] This whole sequence is like a bad fever dream after watching Pink Floyd's The Wall!
Pink: [from The Wall] Are there any queers in the audience tonight? Get 'em up against the wall!
Audience: 'gainst the wall!
Pink: There's one in the spotlight, he don't look right!

[A scene plays where the Professor and Poindexter get in the circus by paying with wrenches]
Nostalgia Critic: He paid with wrenches?....WHY WOULD HE PAY WITH WRENCHES?! IT MAKES NO SENSE! I'm trying movie! I'm trying really hard to understand you, but you just DON'T ADD UP! This whole movie is like a beating on your child's brain! If I was diagnosed with a terminal illness and the only cure for it was watching this film, I'd say GIVE ME ANOTHER TERMINAL ILLNESS JUST SO I CAN DIE FASTER!

Duke of Zill: What is this? Some kind of joke? [He reads the following words inside the book that magically appear] "Truth? Love? Wisdom?" I've been suffering and waiting all these years for this crutch?
Nostalgia Critic: Hey, at least those years were in flashback. We had to sit through a whole hour and a half for this weak-ass twist!

Nostalgia Critic:: So Felix tries to go back to his dimension, but it turns out none of the gold the professors brought is able to pass through.
Princess Oriana: But I have a feeling that your gold will pass through the Dimensporter.
Felix: But Princess, I don't have any gold.
Princess Oriana: You're wrong, Felix. You do. You have a heart of gold.
[As the movie ends, the Critic screams in frustration, utterly disgusted by the cliche]
Felix: Righty-O!
[The Critic explodes in a torrent of agitated screams that build in anger and frustration as the credits roll with the 3-D Felix head appearing alongside them]
Nostalgia Critic: OH, FUCK YOU, YOU DECAPITATED MACY'S DAY BALLOON! YOU ARE SHIT ON A DICK! This movie...THIS MOVIE...I mean, MY GOD! It is horrendously bad-beyond annoying! Every second is like a kick to my ballsack! The story, the characters-everything about it is like a little kid jumping on her bed, screaming! It's just loud, grating, and makes no sense! It's one of the worst, people-one of the worst I've ever had to sit through! It is a piece of...DAH! There are no words to describe it! There's only one single, solitary image! [The picture of Princess Oriana covering her face in despair is overlaid on the Critic] Thank you! I'm the Nostalgia Critic-RUN, MY CHILDREN! RUN! YOU ARE FREE! FLEE THIS HORRIBLE CAULDRON OF ASS! AAH!

Nostalgia Critic MUSICAL REVIEW: Moulin Rouge edit

[In a nod to the film, the review begins with a song]
Linkara: [Singing] There was a guy,
That Critic with the glasses guy.
He once attempted to review,
Moulin Rouge,
So begrudgingly.
He hated it,
Berated it,
For causing so much misery. [The Critic's portion of the review begins with him holding a bottle of rum while sitting on a mattress in his bedroom surrounded by pieces of paper tacked on the walls in another nod to the film]
Nostalgia Critic: [In a voiceover] "Moulin Rouge"... a movie... a musical nominated for several Oscars... directed by Baz Luhrmann... a film of pretentious pleasures, where art house beatniks and singing emos praise this uninspired butt-fuck for its originality. How could they not see that this film has ripped off every tired romance, every overused line, every attention-grabbing editing trick to make people believe it's saying more than it really is? [He grabs his laptop and opens it up] But perhaps I'm getting ahead of myself. [He types out the following line] I first saw the movie exactly one week ago...
Nostalgia Critic: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. Today, we're going to look at a movie that was said to bring back the movie musical. So films like Chicago, Hairspray and Sweeney Todd all owe their thanks to this film. But sadly, so does Phantom of the Opera, Burlesque and High School Musical. So, a bit of a mixed blessing. But, hey, what it started is one thing: does it still hold up after all these years? OF COURSE NOT! It didn't even hold up when it first came out! But so many people were enthralled with how artistic it is and how revolutionary it is: because there's nothing more revolutionary than playing songs we already know and recycling plot lines that even Twilight would laugh at! [various gasps] Oh, that's right, I fucking went there: I hate this film that much. This is an ungodly, annoying piece of crap. And giving the films I've watched, that says a mouthful as big as the jolly green monster's condom size!

[As Christian is singing lyrics from various contemporary pop songs to Satine]
Nostalgia Critic: Boy, this must've been the fucking easiest screenplay to write: just let your mix CD get jumbled into your CD player and write down whatever lyrics you can make out!
Brentalfloss: That, or put five dollars in a jukebox and write down only the main choruses you hear. [The Critic and Nostalgia Chick both turn to him] Oh that's right... I got a screenplay.

[Referring to the "coincidental dance number" while Satine attempts to sleep with the Duke]
Nostalgia Critic: Oh, no. This scene.
Brentalfloss: What about it?
Nostalgia Critic: Nothing! It-it sucks.
character: Love is for the highest bidder. There can be no trust. Without trust, there is no love!
Brentalfloss: [Surprised] You like this scene?
Nostalgia Critic: I do not! It's stupid!
character: Resern. You don't put on that red light!
Nostalgia Chick: Admit it Critic! Even you can't deny how earth shatteringly awesome this sequence is.
Brentalfloss: The music, the pacing, the editing: it's just a Goddamn cool scene.
Nostalgia Critic: No, no! It's stupid! This movie is stupid! Everything in it is stupid!
Phelous:No, Critic, no! You have to acknowledge the coolness of this scene! With this scene, there is the love. With the love, there is the enjoyment. With the love there is the love, love, love, love. But it's pretences will drive you mad!
They just cover pop songs elaborately,
It makes no sense,
How they take it so damn seriously,
So proud of the way, they rip songs apart,
But a new coat of paint, doesn't make it art.
Nostalgia Critic: Though, in my heart, I know it's assenine,
I respect the production design,
Elements so diversal,
The hours of rehearsal,
You can tell,
Not to mention the vision to believe it would turn out welllllll!
Phelous: Pretence!
YouTube is where mash-up videos belong,
Otherwise, just write your own damn song,
So proud of the way they botch classic rock,
Urgh, all of these creative thieves can all suck my...
Nostalgia Chick: There's no shame,
In liking something lame,
A rose by any other name,
Is what it is,
And if you like it, that's OK...
Kyle: Hey guys. What's up?
Nostalgia Critic: Kyle, from BrowsHeldHigh. Uh, hi!
Kyle: What'ya doing?
Nostalgia Critic: Oh, nothing. Nothing
Kyle: Well, sure there is. You guys are together. And singing.
Nostalgia Critic: Um...
Kyle: Without me.
Nostalgia Critic: It's nothing personal, Kyle. It's just, uh...
Kyle: You know, I did the first musical review on this site, right? BrowsHeldHigh, The Man Who Fell to Earth. Um, Miss Ellis, you were in it, weren't you?
Nostalgia Chick: Hey, I put you in my Les Mis thing and I didn't even know who the hell you were.
Kyle: And you didn't think to include me in your little crossover?
[Music gets more intense until Kyle has an outburst]
Nostalgia Critic: Oh, get over it.
Kyle: Oh, OK.

[Christian decides to tell Satine how he really feels before the play]
Christian: I've come to pay my bill. You made me believe that you loved me. Why shouldn't I pay you?
Brentalfloss: Nostalgia Chick? Are you you OK?
Nostalgia Chick: [Breathing firmly] I'm fine. Just fine.
Christian: Why can't I just pay you like everyone else does?
Satine: Christian, there's no point.
Brentalfloss: Seriously, you don't look so good.
Nostalgia Chick: [Becoming more hostile] I'm fine damnit! Fine!
Christian: This woman is yours now. I've paid my whore! And you're nothing to me.
Nostalgia Critic: Admit it chick, there's something you really hate about this scene, isn't there? It's not just stupid and silly, like the other scenes. There's something you really despise!
Brentalfloss: No there isn't!
Nostalgia Critic: What is it about this movie that drives you absolutely insane?
Brentalfloss and Nostalgia Critic: [confused] Christian's a twat?
Chick: Yeah. Truly in love? It's such bullshit! All you need is love. Love love love. Who treated anyone they truly loved this way? Why would you slut-shame her in front of an entire audience of people? Who calls that love? That's not love, that's bitterness!
Nostalgia Critic: Well, because she lied to him and he thought she was playing him the whole time.
Brentalfloss: Yeah, I thought you'd be more pissed at her than him.
Chick: Oh, sure her actions are abjectly stupid and she's the victim of bad, stupid writing. But him? He's just despicable, he's evil: for as many times he sings about love, he treats her in the most insulting, dirty, mean-spirited way you can treat a human being. And the dwarfs over here are like "Oh, she wouldn't do that" and yet him? The one's that in love with her can't figure this out? "Oh, yeah love, I forgot about that, that's right. I'm sor- you know what I'm not even sorry, but we're still in love. So let's sing about it, in front of everyone and everything's OK. Oh, wait you're dead. Aw." How would you feel if your loved one had some stupid misunderstanding that sprung from bad writing and then threw out all of their negative, horrible bile in one fell swoop, IN FRONT OF EVERYBODY?!
Nostalgia Critic: [singing opera - gets shot]
Voice off-screen: Oh, sorry. Maybe I overreacted? My bad. You wanna sing?

Nostalgia Critic: So just as Christian gets done calling her every word for whore in the English language, the elf drops down and, what a shock, quotes more songs.
Character: The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved.
Satine: [Singing] Listen to my heart,
Can you hear it sing?
Christian: Come with meheeee
Nostalgia Critic: So, the whore he said he would never be manipulated by, he is now letting himself be manipulated by, because it just so happens she's telling the truth?
Nostalgia Chick: Singing fixes everything! Fuck this movie.
Brentalfloss: But, luckily, the henchmen gets knocked out and the gun gets flung into the audience.
Satine and Christian: [Singing] And I will love you to my dying day.
Duke: Make way, make way!
Seagulls from Finding Nemo: Mine, mine, mine, mine, mine!
Nostalgia Critic: And there goes the deed to the place. I hoped you enjoyed the Moulin Rouge folks because, come noon tomorrow, it's going to be turned into a parking lot. For carriage horses!
[Duke just turns around and walks out]
Nostalgia Critic: Or, he just walks away quietly. Um, wasn't this the same guy who said...
Nostalgia Critic: Yeah, I guess having a million people touch your things, take your money and punch you in the face wouldn't get me too cheesed off either.
Nostalgia Chick: Well, he's certainly taking it better than...
Christian: Paid my whore!
Brentalfloss: Let it go. Hey, let it go.

The movie ends
Nostalgia Critic: There! After all that bullcrap, all that stupidity, are you seriously telling me that you two still like this movie?!
Floss and Chick: Yup.
Brental Floss: Well, it is horrible, Critic. It's godawful.
Nostalgia Chick: We still enjoy it. Some of it. Parts...ASPECTS of it.
Nostalgia Critic: But why? How?
Brental Floss: [singing] In every heart there lies a place
All across the human race
Nostalgia Chick: [singing] Beneath a veil of fear and pride
Guilty pleasures lie inside.
Brental Floss: [singing] Things that make our heart take wing
Sometimes they're embarrassing.
Against their sway we have no powers
Floss and Chick: [singing] And Moulin Rouge is one of ours.
Guilty pleasures!
Everybody has a few!
Guilty pleasures!
You and me and even you!
Guilty pleasures!
Contradict your sense of taste!
Guilty pleasures!
They can only be embraced!
Brental Floss: [singing] The fireman who loves ballet.
Nostalgia Chick: [singing] The model who loves anime.
Floss and Chick: [singing] We all have a stupid song
That always makes us sing along!
So reconcile inside your mind
Our love for Moulin Rouge is blind.
Yes, it's dumb
Yes, it's gay
But we love it anyway!
Guilty pleasures!
Everybody has a few!
Guilty pleasures!
You and me and even you!
Guilty pleasures!
Surely even you have some!
Guilty pleasures!
Love them even though they're dumb!
Nostalgia Critic: I think I get it! [singing] Like how I enjoy Rocky 4
Though the writing's very poor.
Ninja Turtles, Commando,
X-Men 3
Brental Floss and Nostalgia Chick: Oh Jesus, no!
Nostalgia Critic: [singing]
Cool Runnings and Batman 2
Judge Dredd
Floss: Hey, I like that too!
Nostalgia Critic: [singing]
Even Jason Goes to Hell
Cinema Snob: What the hell?!
Nostalgia Critic, Floss, and Chick: [singing]
Guilty pleasures!
They're the best at any time!
Guilty pleasures!
You have yours and I have mine!
Guilty pleasures!
Moulin Rouge is full of shit
Guilty pleasures!
but we won't stop loving it!
Nostalgia Critic: Well thanks guys, you've shown me that guilty pleasures are really something to enjoy. Though, this is a Moulin Rouge! review: we can't end on a happy note.
Nostalgia Chick: You're right. We need a sad ending for no other reason than we need a sad ending.
Nostalgia Critic: Huh. [shoots BrentalFloss]
Brentalfloss: Ho, ho! [falls to the floor]
[in another nod to the film, the death scene is very similar]
Nostalgia Critic: Brental! Brentalfloss no! Ah, Brentalfloss no! [starts crying]

[voiceover]Another movie... Another mindless flick that sucks dicks from Netflix... It makes me sick...
[singing] On and on...
I'm sick of moping, doping and complaining.
Well, not complaining but...
I think I'm done.
On and on...
So I killed Floss just for a sad ending.
Still, I'm resenting.
The review must go on!
The review must go on!
The joke's gone on too long!
No more pretentious songs
About love or
The review must go on!
The review must go on!
Nostalgia Chick: I don't know why I'm still here.
I'm simply, killing time here.
Maybe I'll get a sandwich from
Nostalgia Critic: The review must go on!
The review must go on!
Nostalgia Chick: A BLT...
Elisa: Or ham and cheese!
Nella: Perhaps for dessert Dairy Queen!
Nostalgia Critic: I'm done with these songs,
They're all wrong,
Not even,
gonna rhyme,
this last line!
Nostalgia Chick: Although you sort of did.
Nostalgia Critic: Yes, that's true...
Nostalgia Chick: And we're rhyming this one too.
Nostalgia Critic: That is also true.
Nostalgia Chick: Think I'll watch Scooby-Doo...
Nostalgia Critic: Oh Jesus, shut up you!
I've got some bitching to do!
Nostalgia Chick: So what else is new?
Nostalgia Critic: [spoken] Okay, we're getting too close now!
Both: The review must go on!
Brentalfloss: [shoots the Critic from heaven] Ungrateful jackass! [blows across the gun's nozzle]
[Critic strains to type the words "The End"]
Linkara: He hated it
Berated it
For causing so much misery
Chester A Bum: I didn't even get a line!

Babes in Toyland edit

[A ghost suddenly appears in the Critic's living room, interrupting his review]
Ghost: Ooooooh! Ooooooh! I'm the Ghost of Christmas Future!
Nostalgia Critic: The Ghost of Christmas Future?
Ghost: Yes the Ghost of Christmas Future! I'm here to show you what happens if you don't start enjoying Christmas!
Nostalgia Critic: But... I do enjoy Christmas.
Ghost: [Beat] What?
Nostalgia Critic: Yeah, I love it. I'm all over it.
Ghost: [Looks around] You have absolutely no hatred for Christmas?
Nostalgia Critic: No, it's my favorite time of the year.
Ghost: Alright. [Walks over and takes a seat next to the Critic at his desk] Alright, guy, I don't think you understand quite how this works. Every comedy show does a "Christmas Carol" parody, usually around Christmas...
Nostalgia Critic: Well not me, I don't wanna.
Ghost: [Sighs] I've got these three other ghosts waiting, they're on retainer, it's just too much...
Nostalgia Critic: I don't care!
Ghost: [Sighs] Think of the possibilities! The sight gags! The puns! [Grabs the Critic by his shoulders] THINK OF THE CAMEOS!

Lisa: You don't need any more evil, Barnaby.
Nostalgia Critic: You know, I may not be an escape artist, but I think she can get out of that. [with a loose rope on himself] Oh, my God. They got me. Aah.

The Grinch edit

[The review starts with the Critic doing a parody of Boris Karloff's narration of the famed Chuck Jones cartoon]
Narrator: Everyone on the Internet was in love with "The Grinch"
When asked if they enjoyed it, they'd say "yes" in a pinch
Jim Carrey's so funny, and Ron Howard's a gem
And this holiday classic is perfect for them
Yes, the film seemed to make so many people happy
But the Grump of Channel Awesome found it all crappy
He hated "The Grinch," every part of the movie
Please don't ask why - we're not sure how this could be
It could be his head wasn't screwed on just right
Or perhaps it could be that his shoes were too tight
Nostalgia Critic: Why would shoes affect how I feel about something? I-I don't get that—
Narrator: But the most likely reason of all, I should think
Is the Grump thought his brain was two sizes too big
But whatever the reason you might want to pick
The Grump spent his time hating the flick
Staring down with a grumpy Grump frown
He never got what pleased all the people in town
Nostalgia Critic: Can't they see—
Narrator: ...said the Grump.
Nostalgia Critic: ...that the remake is crap?
I'd rather get my nuts caught in a Lorax trap! [Beat] P.S. That's gonna suck, too.
The jokes are atrocious, the lines make me weepy
They scare up the Grinch when the Whos are more creepy!
The original's a classic, no fixing required
Whoever said this needs an update is a big fat fuck liar!
Pop cultural references don't make a film work
[It] just makes ya look like a big, dumb lazy-ass jerk!
On top of that, who the hell made Dr. Seuss "PG"?
"PG"? Oh I see! Seuss was never child-friendly!
Narrator: And the more the Grump thought how this movie could stink
The more the Grump thought...
Nostalgia Critic: I must stop this whole thing!
Why for eleven damn years I've put up with it now!
I must stop Christmas from sucking! [Beat] But how?
Narrator: And then, the Grump got an idea - an awful idea
The Grump got a wonderful, awful idea!
Nostalgia Critic: I know what to do!
Narrator: ...the Grump said sitting tall.
Nostalgia Critic: If I can't enjoy it, I'll ruin it for them all!
A critique of this stinker is just what they need
I'll tell them the truth, my words must take heed!
So come on, ya pansies, let the bashing begin
Stop smoking that Who-hash and let us dive in!

Nostalgia Critic: He takes all his antics and goes all the way [The Grinch is shown leaping away from an explosion]
There's an explosion in The Grinch. Who directed this, Michael Bay?

Narrator: And so whatever the reason, his heart or his shoes, he stood outside his cave, hating the Whos.
Nostalgia Critic: WAIT A MINUTE! "Whatever the reason?" Dude, are you high? They just told you the reason, you dumb stupid ass guy! It's because he was mocked, all the way from the start! What, did you just fall asleep on that part?

[After the scene which the Mayor kisses Max' butt, the Critic is only in disgust]
Nostalgia Critic: Really, film!? Really!? You had to go there!?
The Arrested Development guy kissing a dog's dairy hair!?
Did your five-year old decide to start writing this part?
"Kissing dog's anuses! Ho, ho, this is high art!"
Now, just to clarify - This is the Christmas classic you all love?
A dog's ass, a guy's lips pleasantly shoved!?
Have you gone crazy or totally insane!?
How can this scene cause none of you pain!?
What the hell would PETA say for this little canine?
Oh, hell, as long as he's not wearing a Tanooki suit, it's fine!

Nostalgia Critic: That's the film. Oh my GOD! Could it be any longer?!
I bet you're wondering what I would do to make it any stronger
Well... maybe you could shorten it, by an hour or two
And maybe some bright colors for a friendlier view
A more subtle actor might be anticipated
And hey, you know what else? Why not make it animated?
Yes, those are the changes that I would insist [Beat]
Oh wait, we don't need to - IT FUCKING EXISTS!
The original was fine, spend your time watching that
Much better than this horrifying crap in a hat!
It's downright unpleasant, unbearable, unfunny
Nothing in this movie seems colorful or sunny
It's not fun to look at, it's not fun to watch
How on Earth did this classic get so goddamn botched?
I really hate this movie, and you know what? So should you!
I'm the Nostalgia Critic - I remember it so you don't have to!

Child's Play edit

[Phelous appears, dressed as the Nostalgia Critic]
Phelous: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic! I remember it so you don't have to! Well, what movie can I review today to make my voice more high-pitched than it already is?! How about a timeless Christmas classic like...
[The Nostalgia Critic appears, dressed as Phelous]
Nostalgia Critic: Hi, guys, Phelous here. And I bet you're wondering what holiday classic I'm gonna review today! Well...
Phelous: [dropping the impression] Wait a second, I thought I was supposed to do an impression of you and then you get angry at me.
Nostalgia Critic: No, I thought I was supposed an impression of you and you were supposed to get angry.
Phelous: Didn't you even read the script?
Nostalgia Critic: What, you mean the one I wrote?
Phelous: You didn't write the script! I did!
Nostalgia Critic: No, you didn't! I did!
[the two sigh]
Phelous: Well, phenomenal, this crossover's off to a great start.
Nostalgia Critic: I never had this problem with Lupa.
Phelous: Alright, fine, at the very least, let's announce what movie we're going to review.
Nostalgia Critic: Alright, good idea. [simultaneously with Phelous] Silent Night, Deadly Night.
Phelous: [simultaneously with the Critic] Child's Play!
Nostalgia Critic: Oh for God's sake, what does Child's Play have to do with Christmas?!
Phelous: It's got like snow, presents, decorations, murder, plenty Christmasy!
Nostalgia Critic: It's as Christmasy as Reindeer Games!
Phelous: Yeah, well, what sort of material is Silent Night, Deadly Night gonna give us?
Nostalgia Critic: Lots! Like how 'bout that great over-the-top scene where...[scenes from Silent Night, Deadly Night are played, showing a brutal murder]...or that really silly moment when...or that...goofy, um...
Phelous: You thought this was the one with the "GARBAGE DAY!" guy, didn't you?
Nostalgia Critic: ...that...that's not the first one?
Phelous: Second.
Nostalgia Critic: Well, what the hell are we looking at it for?!
Phelous: We're not. We're looking at Child's Play.

[The mother, played by Catherine Hicks, is first introduced]
Phelous: Oh hey! It's the mother from 7th Heaven.
Nostalgia Critic: 7th Heaven? Really? That's where you know the mother from?
Phelous: Well that's probably her most well-known role. Was she on anything else of note?
Nostalgia Critic: Oh, I don't know, Star Trek IV?
Phelous: Oh yeah. She was in that, wasn't she? Wow, what an obscure reference.
Nostalgia Critic: Her being in 7th Heaven was the obscure reference!
Phelous: She was in 7th Heaven? [The Critic merely stares at him]

[The mother is trying to buy a Good Guy doll from a bum on the street]
Phelous: Hey, this would be a great time for you to do your Chester A. Bum character, wouldn't it?
Nostalgia Critic: [Laughs nervously] Why, what do you mean? The bum is a totally different person entirely.
Phelous: Oh, so do you think you can get a hold of him then?
Nostalgia Critic: [Now wearing Chester's hat] Maybe...
Phelous: If he's not too busy?
Nostalgia Critic: [Now with Chester's hair] Possibly...
Phelous: I mean, if it's not too much trouble? [Cuts to the Critic struggling to put on Chester's coat in time] Ah!
Nostalgia Critic: No! Uh, dolls?! Ya got dolls?! [Holding out Chester's cup, then Phelous sighs] Don't ruin the illusion, you're making kids cry!