The Nostalgia Critic/Season 14
web series season
Quotes from the 14th season of The Nostalgia Critic, which aired in 2021.
- Nostalgia Critic: I just want to see a scientist who's spent analyzing jokes from Pixar for years saying, "You don't know how this works, you don't know how any of this works! [shows Cars 2] Even Pixar half the time doesn't know how it works!" But okay, give credit, this one's pretty good.
- [Shows a scene where a chef is standing alone in a sushi restaurant, looking angry. Nostalgia Critic points to a "Jokes That Work" board with 1 tally, versus a "The Worst, just... just the WORST" board that has 200 tallies]
- [Lenny is slammed on a large screen]
- Oscar: Remember this name!
- Nostalgia Critic: Hey, if they're underwater, how can there be electricity?
- [Cut to a scene from "Life of Crime" in Spongebob Squarepants where a campfire goes out]
- Nostalgia Critic: No matter what version of Raggedy Ann you've seen in the past, I assure you there is nothing freakier than this one! I mean, look at this! Is this the imagery you'd associate with such a simple children's doll?
- Nostalgia Critic: Even before coming across the first supernatural element, though, the film has all sorts of hilariously uncomfortable moments.
- Susie Pincushion: The way you go banging around with Marcella.
- Nostalgia Critic: Okay, in order to talk about this, I have to go into spoilers, which I know I do all the time on this show, but this does have an interesting surprise in the third act, so if you don't want it ruined, go watch the movie and come back to watching this. I'll even give you a commercial break so you can go watch it.
- [commercial break]
- Nostalgia Critic: Oh! I kinda thought that ad would be an hour, 20 minutes long... Pause it and go watch!
- Nostalgia Critic: Based on a concept 15 years in development, Lucas said he wanted to make a story for his daughters. Figuring he did such a good job making a fantasy for 12-year-old boys, he could make a fantasy for 12-year-old girls. Because yeah, he understands the female mind just as much as the male mind.
- [A clip of Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith is shown]
- Anakin: You're so beautiful.
- Padmé: It's only because I'm so in love.
- Anakin: No, it's because I'm so in love with you.
- Padmé: So love has blinded you?
- Nostalgia Critic: Roland approaches Marianne and in hindsight I really should have seen the song coming.
- [Roland begins a Shrek-esque musical number]
- Nostalgia Critic: How much Shrek are they going to rip off?
- Marianne: You got a lot of nerve walking in here. [begins yet another musical number]
- Nostalgia Critic: Okay did Lucas want to make an opera? How many songs are there back to back?
- Terminator: Fuck you, asshole.
- Nostalgia Critic: It's a special moment when you find someone else who also uses that as their ringtone. [Critic's phone rings and the ringtone is the T-800 saying "Fuck you, asshole"] Hello? You were calling just to make that joke work? Thank you.
- Nostalgia Critic: I also like this reversal where the kid has to be the adult teaching him why it's wrong to kill.
- John: You just can't go around killing people.
- Terminator: Why?
- John: Cause you can't!
- Terminator: [dubbed over by Mindy from Animaniacs] Why?
- John: Cause you just can't.
- Terminator: [still dubbed] Why?
- Nostalgia Critic: I really do give kudos that they didn't go too sappy with this, as it would've been so easy to do so. With that said, it does come across a little more like a sitcom sometimes.
- Terminator: Your levity is good. It relieves tension and the fear of death.
- Connor: This is John Connor. [a line Critic is tired of hearing repeated]
- Nostalgia Critic: Just wear a nametag!
- Aaron: You didn't see because you didn't WISH to see? Uh!
- Nostalgia Critic: That is the satisfied look of the Ultimate Goldblum Uh! [Fireworks explode over the text "ULTIMATE GOLDBLUM UH"] You did it! No "uh" will ever be more Goldblum!
- Nostalgia Critic: Miriam gives Moses the motivation to confront Rameses again, turning the river into blood. The priests, through another illusion, seem to do the same thing.
- [Rameses dips his hand into the "blood" his priests made]
- Nostalgia Critic: [as Rameses] Hmm. Kool-Aid. Strawberry. Mmm, I love my yummy-wummy Ra blood! Strawberry, Moses! Dork!
- Nostalgia Critic: We get the film's big showstopper song, "When You Believe", which is beautifully sung and orchestrated and joyful and uplifting. The only thing I don't like? How it starts. Moses is crushed, God basically murdered his nephew with his help, his family tries to console him, and the first thing his sister says is this.
- Miriam: [singing] Many nights we've prayed...
- Nostalgia Critic: That is not what anyone would want to hear. If you want to sing, great, but sing to yourself or other people like Tzipporah does. This is the equivalent of... [singing as Miriam] Come on, Moses! Gray skies are gonna clear up! Seriously, if I was Moses in this scene, I'd be like...
- Miriam: [singing] Many nights-
- Nostalgia Critic: [as Moses] What the fuck is wrong with you? Got heavy shit on my mind, man. Give me ten.
- Miriam: [singing] Many nights-
- Nostalgia Critic: [as Moses] No, no, no, no. We can sing Kumbaya later. You give me ten.
- Miriam: [singing] Many-
- Nostalgia Critic: [as Moses] Shh-shh-shh-shh. Ten, bitch.
- Hua Zhou: [slams the table] I am the father. You are the daughter! Learn your place.
- Nostalgia Critic: [as Mulan] Hi, completely different person. I'm Mulan. [normal] Yeah, what the hell was that? He goes to encouraging her and following her dreams to "back to the kitchen, woman!" in literally a second! And I know, the other father snapped too, but he took the traditional route very seriously. This one was more laid back.
- [Tom's ruse as a blind piano playing cat is exposed]
- Woman: He's a fraud! He's a regular cat playing the piano.
- Nostalgia Critic: That's already one more laugh than I got in any of this. [shows the 1992 film] The movie deserves a star simply on that default!
- Daphne: Uncle Thorny, this is the gang.
- [Critic rewinds the scene with a caption saying "Thorny"]
- Nostalgia Critic: You heard it, too.
- Eddie: If I wanted underwear, I'd have broken into Frederick's of Hollywood.
- Nostalgia Critic: [as Eddie] Now, if you'll excuse me, I gotta go back to the British part of California.
- Nostalgia Critic: Plus, everyone's reaction here is priceless.
- [Jessica Rabbit pulls an aroused Eddie close to her as the audience gasps. A caption says "Just jizzed"]
- Nostalgia Critic: Dolores catches Eddie seemingly hitting on Jessica, and thank Jesus this misunderstanding only lasts a few seconds. I think the film itself even forgot it put it in there. I get the feeling this moment exists only for this one scene.
- [As Eddie puts his pants back up, his head accidentally bumps into Jessica's breasts]
- Eddie: Sorry.
- [The shot glitches]
- Nostalgia Critic: Oh, sorry. It glitches there, because it's been rewound so much. No reason.
- Nostalgia Critic: What we're trying to tell you kids is everything is out to get you and your dreams are bullshit. Just survive. Surviving is hard enough. [Crying children are heard] Don't hide under that pillow, you can suffocate from that. Everything can kill you! AH! AH! AAH! Rated 80s G. [shows an 80s G rating with the reasoning "GENERAL AUDIENCES UNLESS YOU'RE A BITCH-ASS PANSY"]
- Nostalgia Critic: On his way to finding help, he comes across an activist named Bridget, who's trying to fight against the evil cats.
- [Bridget giggles as she shows off her pretty eyes to Tony, leading a "FURRIES BORN" counter to go up to 3,829,381]
- Tony: Cat...
- Bridget: Cat...
- [The counter goes to 1,358,782,568,920 before exploding]
- Nostalgia Critic: Well, that's it. [Images of Bridget and Princess Daphne from Dragon's Lair are shown] Princess Daphne fucked a mouse at some point.
- Bridget: Cat...
- Nostalgia Critic: Jesus, they make her pupils so big, her eye shadow literally casts an eye shadow!
- Nostalgia Critic: It's revealed that Warren T. is a cat, leading to one of my favorite lines.
- Warren T. Cat: Who are you gonna believe? Me or your own eyes?
- [The crowd attacks him]
- Nostalgia Critic: And they finally unleash their secret... [The Mousekewitz family is helping get the weapon up] JUST TILT UPWARD, YOU FOOL! [The counter goes up to 5]
- Nostalgia Critic: It's a cartoon from a past decade [1960s] being made in another decade [1980s] that's transitioning into another decade [1990s] that's talking about a future decade [2060s]. Call me crazy, but I find that fucking fascinating!
- Spacely: We need someone expendable. [An image of Spacely himself appears] Very funny.
- Nostalgia Critic: Says the film that ends up replacing the actor. [The words "HE DIED" pop up] That's no excuse.
- Nostalgia Critic: Atlantis goes under, and we cut to Washington, 1914, where we see this film was clearly not stealing from Nadia, it was stealing from Stargate all along.
- Milo Thatch: Cartography and linguistics, Milo Thatch speaking.
- Nostalgia Critic: Yes, a geeky teacher/boiler maintenance boy named Milo, voiced by Michael J. Fox, gives his theories about the existence of a lost civilization that's constantly laughed at except by an eccentric millionaire, who gives him the technology and team to go find it. [Clips from Stargate are shown to showcase the similarities with Atlantis] Fear not, Stargate would get their revenge when they made their spin-off series. [The poster of Stargate: Atlantis is shown]
- Rourke: P.T. Barnum was right.
- Nostalgia Critic: I hope I'm remembered as a musical lie? [The posters of The Greatest Showman, then Pocahontas are shown] This really is a Disney film. The King of Atlantis dies, making this...what? Nimoy's 10th death onscreen?...revealing that he as well used the crystal as a weapon, leading to their downfall.
- Atlantean King: My burden would have become hers. But now, it falls to you.
- Nostalgia Critic: [as the Atlantean King] My son.
- Nostalgia Critic: [as Milo] Oh, I'm not your...okay, Dad.
- Father: I forbid you to take another step down these stairs!
- Prince: Okay. [zips away cartoonishly]
- Nostalgia Critic: Okay, zippy animation on the Prince is kinda disturbing.
- Cinderella: Bad kitty. [Critic edits in sunglasses and hard rock]
Top 11 Movies Saved by the Ending
edit- Jack: [singing] What's this in here? They've got a little tree. How queer!
- Nostalgia Critic: Well, we found the line every kid's gonna snicker at whenever they sing it.
- Jack: [singing] little cozy things secure inside their dreamland... [Places his head next to a sleeping elf]
- Nostalgia Critic: And we found the out-of-context picture that'll get me snickering whenever I see it.
- Nostalgia Critic: Actually, with combining holidays, this film really was ahead of its time.
- [A shot of many Christmas items alongside many Halloween items in a store is shown]
- Nostalgia Critic: And I do like they finally reference that none of these characters seem like teens.
- Criminal: ...if it wasn't for this meddling... [turns sharply to Ben] writer!
- Fred: Well, at least he didn't call us "kids". I hate that.
- Nostalgia Critic: [as Fred] Look at what I'm wearing. I'm a minimum 40!
- Nostalgia Critic: Throw in the towel! We are never getting a better setup than that!
- Scooby: Stop it, Shaggy. I'm not stupid. Are you cheating on me?
- Nostalgia Critic: Okay, one.
- Nostalgia Critic: [showing the film's original French title, "Ballerina"] This is Baller...Leap-a...exclamation point. [Félicie is wearing denim short shorts] The film takes place in 1880 when denim shorts were all the rage and focuses on a girl named Félicie, played by Elle Fanning, who constantly tries to escape the orphanage with her friend Victor, played by Dave DeHaan...'s [the American dub has a different actor] replacement Nat Wolff, trying not to blow her cover.
- Student: Dance off!
- Nostalgia Critic: [as Auguste] Oh, I better be able to say "Most unorthodox!" [Félicie and Camille have a dance off] So get on, I guess, as the two girls dance throughout the entire theater with Félicie literally sticking the landing, making the - I know it's not the term, but they used it more than the actual term - crazy jumpy thing. This forces the instructor to ask the ultimate question...
- Mérante: Why do you dance?
- Camille: Because...my mother makes me.
- Nostalgia Critic: [as Régine] Ha! The other has no mother, so we automatically win!
- Nostalgia Critic: I don't even know what this is.
- Count Olaf: [blabbering]
- Forte: Fife...
- Nostalgia Critic: I don't even know what that word means, yet it's the sexiest thing I've ever heard! Fife is a piccolo played by Paul Reubens, who absolutely loves Forte. And who can blame him? I'm not into men or organs, but I'd fuck the shit out of this thing.
- Lumière: Merry Christmas.
- Chip: Doesn't look so special to me.
- Nostalgia Critic: Fuck you, you little hood ornament! All of this is your fault!
- Know-It-All: Do you know what kind of train this is? It's a Baldwin 2-8-4 S-3 class merchant type steam locomotive. [audio of Mandark, also voiced by Eddie Deezen, plays] Yes, Dexter, I can read your thoughts, and I am smarter than you.
- [a checklist shows "Mandark reference so people don't kill me"]
- Nostalgia Critic: You can cross that off the list.
- Conductor: Who in the [bleep added in] applied that brake?!
- Nostalgia Critic: He explains he did it to let the kid on, so the conductor calms down. Next they serve the kids hot chocolate just so every train ride themed after this movie can have some kids shouting "Why aren't they flipping and doing somersaults like in the film where everybody looks like Superman's upper lip?"
- Nostalgia Critic: I'll be honest, the only reason I want to review this movie is to give this 90s cartoon justice.
- [Shows clip from The Critic]
- Critic: Tonight I'll be reviewing Home Alone 5.
- Mom: We left Kevin home alone and he's only 23. [an aging Kevin screams]
- Nostalgia Critic: Not only were they right but they were right twice. Home Alone 5: The Holiday Heist was a TV movie released in 2012 and was the 5th film in the Home Alone franchise. Hard to believe that when this joke was made, they thought 5 was a comedically high number, now realizing they were still off by one.