The Nostalgia Critic/Season 11

web series season

Quotes from the 11th season of The Nostalgia Critic, which aired in 2018.

[A real life Lara Croft appears in front of Critic, looking EXACTLY like the PlayStation character]
Nostalgia Critic: Oh, your smooth pointy face, your terrifyingly large lips, and your breasts. Oh, so square.
Lara: You know nothing will ever be sexier than me.
Nostalgia Critic: Never. Never!
Nostalgia Critic: I know there's a mic for his audio, but can we get a mic for his inner thoughts?
[The scene of Yogi talking with Smith is shown again, as we hear Nostalgia Critic speaking the inner thoughts of Tom Cavanagh]
Tom Cavanagh: Just shoot me, just shoot me. Get me out of this dumb flick. What's this Bigfoot Jar Jar Binks that's supposed to be next to me?
Yogi: Urinate on her to mark her as your territory.
Tom Cavanagh: Jesus Christ, did he say "piss on her"? He totally said "piss on her"! What the hell kind of movie is this?

[A pine cone hits Yogi, leading to the Wilhelm Scream]
Nostalgia Critic: Oh, I didn't know there was a wrong way to use the Wilhelm Scream, but Yogi Bear found a way.
[The animation has switched to an animesque art style for no apparent reason, and Horton fires a blast of energy like in Dragon Ball]
Nostalgia Critic: Where does the elephant of Dr. Seuss even watch anime? Is there a...Crunchyrhyme?!

Nostalgia Critic: The vulture attacks Horton, resulting in one of my favorite jokes in the movie.
[Horton escapes Vlad out of the bamboo field]
Horton: I just know he's gonna jump out somewhere.
Vlad: [appearing right in front of Horton] Hello. [Horton screams]
Nostalgia Critic: I can't help it. I like it when the movie critiques its cliches before I do.
Nostalgia Critic: The day is saved, but young Grayson is left without a family. To demonstrate Schumacher's understanding of this tremendous loss, we cut immediately to a horse humping a rock.
Nostalgia Critic: At the very least, we have David Cross' cynicism to get us through all this sappiness...
Ian: I've been there. I wish I could get back all those years I spent plotting my revenge.
Nostalgia Critic: No. No... Don't you ruin Cross, movie!
Ian: Hate, anger, regret. They're what consumed me. And they're consuming you.
Nostalgia Critic: Don't you ruin him, movie! Don't you ruin...he was the only funny thing in any of these!
Ian: I-It's not too late to do the right thing.
Nostalgia Critic: [cries out] NO! DAVID CROSS!
[The clip from Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith is shown]
Obi-Wan: You were the Chosen One! You were my brother. I loved you!
Stefan: [in a high raspy voice to Aurora] You look just like your mother. I told those three idiots! They brought you back a day too soon. Lock her up in her room.
Nostalgia Critic: Did they replace him with a shrinking Scrooge McDuck? How am I supposed to be intimidated by that voice?!
Nostalgia Critic: [as Alice] I have to stop this from turning into a Les Mis reunion. [Actors who starred in both Les Miserables and this movie are shown] I can't hear Russell Crowe sing again!
Nostalgia Critic: I'm so glad they decided to humanize her with more faults. But even that's not impressive, as there's only 12 books in this... library/church? That's like saying you're a movie buff, if you've only seen 8 films. And they're all Pure Flix!
Nostalgia Critic: Universal? Ooh! Maybe Woody's part of... the Dark Universe! [logo is shown] That's what Tom Cruise changed into at the end of The Mummy! [chuckles] And, by God, he's more scary-looking than I could have imagined.

Woody Woodpecker: Boy, someone's in a hurry for the credits.
Nostalgia Critic: At last, this movie said something right! This film is... [imitating Woody Woodpecker's laugh] A-a-a-awful! A-a-a-awful!
Nostalgia Critic: [heartwarming music plays] In 1986, Don Bluth released the animated classic An American Tail. With an aggressive yet still heartfelt tone, it chronicled the lives of a family separated, used clever commentary to display the expectation versus the reality of immigrants arriving in America, and showed the power of the fighting spirit to locate what you thought was lost forever. And then the sequel came out. It's a cowboy movie! [heartwarming music is replaced by lighthearted western music] Released in 1991, Fievel Goes West clearly has little connection with the original in terms of tone, animation, or even the people who made it, and instead decides to make a goofy western. I don't know why this movie exists, why they took this angle with it, or why fate was so cruel to make it Jimmy Stewart's last role. But, here we are.

Nostalgia Critic: Fievel sticks a fork in him, though, leading to... well, I'll let the scene speak for itself.
[The lady squeezes the scared Cat R. Waul right into her breasts]
Lady: Pussy! Pussy, pussy, pussy! Pussy, pussy! Oh, pussy!
Nostalgia Critic: Is there a word that exists to describe how uncomfortable that was?! [Beat] I don't think there is, so I'm just gotta make one up. That was uneckhable! That was a very uneckhable scene! Uneckhable!

[Tanya starts to sing "The Girl You Left Behind" as everyone in the saloon exclaims in awe. Tanya's dress becomes transparent by the light of a candle]
Nostalgia Critic: What was up with seeing through her dress there for a second? That was a little uncomfortable.
Gene: That's our user: Alex.
Nostalgia Critic: You can call him Riley. [Riley from Inside Out appears] It's not his name, but it's who he is.

Nostalgia Critic: Meh escapes, though and comes across another unpopular emoji called Hi-5, played by James Corden who thinks he's being hunted too.
Hi-5: He'll never find us down here. Welcome to the loser lounge where the emojis who never get used hang out.
Nostalgia Critic: I guess that can be funny, but you're missing the really unpopular ones like... [The following emojis are shown] ...pregnant wife drinking emoji, Ghostbuster reboot emoji and breadstick emojis. Who the dick sauce needs breadstick emojis!?

Nostalgia Critic: It looks like they have to dance or... um... death.
Gene: What does she mean by "out"?
Jailbreak: Digital death.
Nostalgia Critic: Just Dance got a lot darker in recent years. But Jailbreak can't dance, so Meh shows her how.
[As this happens, Jailbreak grows enamored with him]
Nostalgia Critic: [as Jailbreak] Oh, well...he knows how to dance! Clearly, this is a relationship material!
[Hi-5 dances shaking his butt]
Hi-5: Nice! Shake it, Gene!
Nostalgia Critic: Why does a hand have a butt?! Why is that my biggest question, but more importantly, why does a hand have a butt?!
Nostalgia Critic: They're apparently impressed, though, with how Daphne made over Velma.
Scooby: Hubba-hubba.
Shaggyy: You can say that again, Scoob.
Scooby: Hubba-hubba.
Nostalgia Critic: Congratulations. You're attractive to a dog. Achievement unlocked.
Nostalgia Critic: So, wait. She [Janice] was clearly pregnant earlier, but he [Boss Baby] arrives in a taxi? Why do I feel like that's only the beginning of my questions? [Tim catches his baby brother speaking like an adult] Tim makes a big discovery, though, when he sees that his brother, now voiced by Alec Baldwin, is a pompous, angry, whiny psychopath. Say it with me. [with a chorus] And so is his character.

Tim: So this is where babies come from?
Boss Baby: Where'd you think, the cabbage patch? Magic fairies?
Nostalgia Critic: Vaginas? Actually, they kind of address that.
Tim: My parents told me that... [whispers something into the Boss Baby's ear]
Boss Baby: What? Ugh! No, it's disgusting!
Tim: Yeah, it didn't sound right to me either.
Nostalgia Critic: [as Tim] That's why I created this fantasy of denial. That's my most probable movie theory!
Cameraman: Well, at least we can sell the video to Chickens Gone Wild.
Nostalgia Critic: I don't know what's more disturbing. The fact that there's a show called "Chickens Gone Wild", or the fact that a little boy qualifies to be in it?

Buck: I'd like to see the movie they make about you now.
Chicken Little: I just hope they stay true to what really happened.
Buck: Oh, son, these people are from Hollywood.
Nostalgia Critic: This irony is so thick, Tony Stark is making a suit out of it.
[The characters watch a new movie called "Chicken Little: The True Story", a science fiction action film featuring tough, attractive, adult versions of the main characters]
Nostalgia Critic: The movie is, of course, overblown, ridiculous, and has no connection to the original tale, and the film version they watch isn't that good either.
[Red throws a plunger into a pig's chest. Another pig takes out a plunger and puts it on the other breast, and the latter starts twirling them like nipple tassels]
Nostalgia Critic: [traumatized] Nobody needs that in their lives! Nobody needs that in their lives...

Nostalgia Critic: The birds believe him, and everybody celebrates with not the worst pig jokes ever written, but... What the hell am I comparing it to? Yeah, these are the worst pig jokes ever written.
Leonard: That was Pig Latin.
Red: Piggyback rides?
Pig: Instaham!
Nostalgia Critic: Somebody needs to be punished, and with sharp things.
Nostalgia Critic: I like that Bartok, essentially a cute Don Bluth animation, knows he's not gonna be able to turn down a cute Don Bluth animation.
Girl: [tearfully] Please.
Bartok: Oh...
[The girl's eyes grow larger as an ominous chorus plays in the background]
Nostalgia Critic: [as Bartok] Oh, God! How is she doing that? The eyes! They're getting more and more Don Bluth-y! Aah! Okay, okay. Just stop everything going on in front of me.

Nostalgia Critic: I'd be laughing more if I wasn't certain that somebody somewhere is getting turned on by this. [A shot of Ludmilla's breasts expanding is shown; to the audience] You know you're out there! And you're weird!
Mr. President: No! Stop! Come back, Sara!
[As Sara and Robotnik leave, one of the robot minions holds up a sign that literally says "Goodbye Sara!!" Nostalgia Critic stares at the sign in disbelief]
Nostalgia Critic: I just want to make sure...we are high right now, right?

Nostalgia Critic: Knuckles and Tails save Sara, but, big shock, things get sexually awkward.
[After crashing, Tails is holding on to Sara's breasts]
Knuckles: Tails! Get off!
Tails: I'm so sorry.
[Nostalgia Critic stares in shock]
Knuckles: I never thought you'd stoop that low!
[The "Wow!" scene from Marley and Me plays]
Nostalgia Critic: Well, can't act like I'm shocked that I have to play this. [snaps his fingers and cuts to "Sonic Says"]
Sonic: Kids, there's nothing more cool than being hugged by someone you like, but if someone tries to touch you in a place or in a way that makes you feel uncomfortable, that's no good.
Nostalgia Critic: No, really. Watch. Two guys with gym clothes with dog pouches and brows that ate their eyes are chasing after a Pika-Gizmo...American Dragon...that can teleport away. Oh, yes. It gets stranger.
Bret: Bet you wish you still had your skateboard, huh, Shepherd?
Jason: Let's see. Fully-developed brain. Skateboard. I think I'll take the brain.
Bret: But I have your skateboard.
Nostalgia Critic: That is some of the most perfectly written dialogue ever. It's perfect. I just wanted to point that out.

Nostalgia Critic: They send Wolf to the wrong house, though, and he interrupts a kids' birthday party, who confuse him for a clown.
Duncan: It's the clown! Let's hurt him!
Marty: Excuse me, si-
[All the kids in the house trample Marty, who tries to fight them off]
Nostalgia Critic: Again, embracing asshole children. It's even better when the adults start attacking the kids.
Nostalgia Critic: [about Galactus] In the comic, he's a massive planet-eating supergiant. They even give us a hint making the shadow look like him heading towards Earth. This is gonna be pretty friggin' cool. So, what do we get? A giant space anus that looks like it shat out the Langoliers. You sure Galactus didn't just send his ass? You sure everyone didn't just send their ass?

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Nostalgia Critic: [about Mitch] Boy, Popeye's testicles dropped at an early age.

Nostalgia Critic: What are your thoughts on that, Chaplin? [Doug's cat, Chaplin, is shown] I think that face says it all.
Nostalgia Critic: Yeah, it's odd to say, but this upbeat song sequence surprisingly doesn't go with Santa Paws. Most of it was weirdly mellow and downbeat, and now, suddenly, we're supposed to be like The Greatest Showman on The Polar Express. This looks less like the majority of the movie we got and more like a Disney Princess commercial.
[The song number is spliced with a Disney Princess commercial]
Nostalgia Critic: [as the announcer] Now you can own a Disney Princess, unless your caretaker finds her and burns her alive in the furnace. All this goes together. You're wrong if you don't think so.
[The Rat King walks by a gallery of crying children]
Nostalgia Critic: Hey, look, it's pictures of the audience.

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Penguin: Hey, look, boss. I can do your mom. [forms a shadow puppet of a woman]
Nostalgia Critic: [facepalming] You know exactly what you said.