SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 3

SpongeBob SquarePants: Seasons: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 (Main) | Movies: The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie / Sponge Out of Water / Sponge on the Run / Saving Bikini Bottom: The Sandy Cheeks Movie | Spin-offs: Kamp Koral (s1, s2) / The Patrick Star Show (s1, s2, s3) | Specials: SpongeBob's Big Birthday Blowout, The Tidal Zone

SpongeBob SquarePants (1999-) is an animated TV series, airing on Nickelodeon about the adventures and endeavors of the title character and his various friends in the fictional underwater city of Bikini Bottom. It spawned a movie, followed by several short films, and video games.

Episode 1

The Algae’s Always Greener [3.1a]

[Karen projects holographic meatloaf, Plankton pokes it with a fork]

Plankton: [sarcastically] Oh, goodie. Holographic meatloaf again. [slams his fists on a table] When do I get to have some real food?! Mr. Krabs gets to eat real food. Just look at his daughter, she's as big as a whale! I wish I could be as successful as Mr. Krabs. I wish I could just somehow switch lives with him...just to know what it's like!

Nat: [squishes Plankton] You!

Plankton: Me?

Nat: You think this is funny?

Plankton: In a cosmic sort of way, yes.

Nat: Well, Mr. Funny Man... [shows Plankton a Krabby Patty] is this how you get your sick kicks?!

Plankton: What? It's just an ordinary Krabby-- [close up of the Krabby Patty in question, which is covered in mold and stuffed with insects, hair, planks of wood, a sock, an eyeball, and a nail] OH MY GOODNESS! SQUIDWARD!

SpongeBob: A customer ordered a medium soda, and I gave him a large! I GAVE HIM A LARGE! I've soiled the good Krusty Krab name! SOILED IT! SOILED IT! SOILED IT! SOILED IT!

Plankton: I command you to stop that! Stop that and return to your post! [pokes SpongeBob's chest] Where's the off button on this thing?

Plankton: What the barnacles is going on here?!

SpongeBob: It's your arch competitor, Krabs! His goal in life is to steal a Krabby Patty and ruin our restaurant!

Plankton: That's terrible!

SpongeBob: Yeah! But the worst part is...

[Krabs lands behind Plankton, and Plankton turns around to see that Krabs is completely nude]

Plankton: GOOD GRIEF, HE'S NAKED!

SpongeGuard on Duty [3.1b]

SpongeBob: I'm every bit as cool as Larry, and if I'm not, let me be struck by... [lightning flashes overhead] ... A flying ice cream truck. [the flying ice cream truck plummets in his direction] AND LIVE!

[the ice cream truck stops just above SpongeBob, then drops onto him gently]

Larry: [through megaphone] Please do not land flying ice cream trucks on the bathers.

Frank: [notices Patrick struggling in the water] Holy cow! Somebody's drowning!

SpongeBob: Oh, no, that's not possible. The lagoon is closed.

Scooter: Dude, get your butt in the water!

SpongeBob: If there was anyone in there, we'd hear them.

Patrick: Help, help! [SpongeBob stands up and takes off his shades] I can't swim!

SpongeBob: Somebody would be screaming that they're drowning.

Patrick: I'm drowning! I'm drowning!

SpongeBob: They would have to have crossed the line...

Patrick: I'm drowning 'cause I crossed the line!

SpongeBob: [looks at the angry fish and takes out a pair of binoculars] Okay, I'll take a look, but just to prove to you that... [his eyes become huge and break through the lenses of the binoculars] ...PATRICK ISN'T DROWNING! [sees Patrick drowning]

Episode 2

Club SpongeBob [3.2a]

Squidward: Oh No! That didn’t just happen! Please tell me that didn’t happen!

Patrick: What happened?

Squidward: Where are we? We’re lost there’s no way out! Stuck, in the middle of nowhere, with SpongeBob and Patrick! [they wave] Why must every eleven minutes be filled with misery, why?!

SpongeBob: Oh, cheer up, squid it could be worse.

Patrick: Yeah, you could be bald, and have a big nose.

[timpani, and squeak]

SquidWard: Well, this is the end. [falls to the floor where a duck sound is quacked]

SpongeBob: No, it’s not, Squidward.

Patrick: [stops hammering] It’s not?

SpongeBob: Oh, Magic Conch? What do we do to escape the kelp forest? [pulls the string]

Magic Conch: Nothing.

Patrick: The shell has spoken!

Squidward: NOTHING?! We can't just sit here and do nothing! [sees that they are literally doing nothing; groans angrily]

My Pretty Seahorse (featuring Frank Welker) [3.2b]

Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob, your story has touched me heart. Believe it or not, I know what it's like to give up a best friend.

SpongeBob: You do?

Mr. Krabs: I was five years old, and me father gave me a dollar. I loved that dollar...loved it like a brother. Me and that dollar went everywhere together.

SpongeBob: What happened to the dollar, Mr. Krabs?

Mr. Krabs: [sniffles] And one day at the beach, it was so hot and I was so thirsty! I SPENT IT ON A SODA!! [sobbing] My best friend! [crying]

Squidward: [sobs some more because of the onions again] What? Would you get out of here!

Mr. Krabs: The point is, son, sometimes, you have to set things free even though it's hard. [points to Mystery] Look at her. She misses the great outdoors, the wide-open spaces, the rolling green pastures. The kitchen is no place for a live horse.

[Two customers spit out their patties]

SpongeBob: Alright, Mr. Krabs, I understand.

SquidWard: Just get my order.

SpongeBob: You got it, Squidward. [laughs] Ghosts. [Mystery eats his Krusty Krab hat] Mystery, you ate my hat! [Mystery burps out his spatula, then SpongeBob gasps] Mystery, you ate my spatula! [no Krabby Patties] You ate all the Krabby Patties! [bitten stove] You ate the stove! [no one in the wheelchair] You are Old Man Jenkins!

Old Man Jenkins: I don't want to be a burden.

[Angry customers]

SquidWard: Folks, we have a minor situation going on in the kitchen.

Fish #1: Where’s out food?

Fish #2: I’m so hungry!

Fish #3: This is my only lunch hour.

Fish #4: Where’s Old Man Jenkins?

Episode 3

Just One Bite [3.3a]

SpongeBob: Hey, everyone! Squidward says he doesn't like Krabby Patties! Haw!

[Everyone laughs]

Squidward: Don't encourage them! They'll never leave.

SpongeBob: Sorry, Squidward, it's just so funny! You know what we say.

Customers: "The only people, who don't like a Krabby Patty, have never tasted one".

Squidward: SpongeBob, if I were trapped at the bottom of a well, for three years, with nothing to eat but that Krabby Patty, I'd eat my own legs first! [walks out from behind the counter] And not just the extra ones. [walks off as SpongeBob follows]

SpongeBob: But it's good for you!

Squidward: [turns around] G—good for you?! That thing is a heart attack on a bun!

SpongeBob: No, Squidward, I meant... good for your soul. [background turns to a heaven-like sky and SpongeBob wearing wings and a halo and doves are seen flying in the background and a choir is heard]

Squidward: Oh, puh-lease! I have no soul! [background turns to fire, and flying bats and evil laughter are heard. Squidward is surprised, stopping those effects, and looks to the viewer's left. He walks off]

Squidward: What do I have to do? Eat one out of the garbage?

Frank: [with a big belly walks up to the trash can with a partially eaten Krabby Patty] I wish I could eat this, but I'm so darn full. Oh well. [drops the patty in the garbage]

Squidward: I had to say garbage... but, okay!

[Squidward runs to the garbage can. He sees the Krabby Patty. He inhales deeply and eats almost everything in the garbage can. When he lifts up his head, he suddenly realizes the Krabby Patty ends up being the only thing left in the garbage. He extends his tongue, revealing all the trash he ate. He spits out what's in his mouth and grabs the Krabby Patty]

SpongeBob: Oh no! [runs over and grabs it out of Squidward's hand] What's this doing here?! This patty should be cremated! [runs to the furnace and throws it in and cries. Squidward walks up] I know you didn't like him, but... it means so much that you came. [runs off and Squidward cries]

Squidward: Hmm, honey...? [wakes up] What? [groaning] Ohh! I have got to get my hands on a Krabby Patty! And no one's gonna stop me! [runs out of his house, panting, but tiptoes past SpongeBob's house, then pants some more to the Krusty Krab, putting his face up against the door] There it is... unguarded! All I have to do is--! Wait, it's too easy. There must be some kind of... [sees dripping coming from above the door inside] ...security? [looks up and notices a bucket] This is our burglar alarm? A bucket of water? Ha-ha. [walks in, knocking the bucket off the door] That was too easy. [sniffs] Hey, this isn't water. This is... [realizes] gas!

[A robotic arm with an ignited match drops it, lighting a screaming Squidward on fire, who runs all the way into the kitchen, where another bucket of gas falls on him and then fire is seen again, as he screams again in pain. Finally, he walks up to the Patty Vault, wide-eyed, and opens the door to reveal hundreds and hundreds of Krabby Patties. In later TV airings, after Squidward says "There it is...", the camera zooms in on the Patty Vault, and Squidward does the same routine after the zoom in.]

Squidward: [gasps] Holy shrimp! I don't know where to start. [picks up a patty] All that matters is that it's just you... and me... and nobody...

SpongeBob: Squidward? [Squidward's face drops] Is that you?

Squidward: [turns around] SpongeBob? Uh, uh, uh... what are you doing here? [points at SpongeBob. While pointing at him, he notices he's showing the patty in his hand and puts it behind his back again]

SpongeBob: I always come to work at 3:00 AM. This is when I count the sesame seeds. [takes off his green hat] What are you doing here?

Squidward: Uhh, I forgot my...

SpongeBob: And why is the patty vault open?

Squidward: Oh, I thought that...

SpongeBob: And why are you holding a patty behind your back?

Squidward: I... I... I... no, I didn't do...

SpongeBob: And why are you acting so nervous? And why are you sweating so much? And why do you look so hungry? And... [stops, and grins very smugly]

Squidward: No, no, wait...it's not what you think. Th-This is a big misunderstanding. You've got to believe me, I... Listen, I am telling you! You better listen to me, SpongeBob!

SpongeBob: You like Krabby Patties, don't you, Squidward?

Squidward: Yes! Yes! I admit it, SpongeBob! I LOVE KRABBY PATTIES! [eats two patties]

SpongeBob I knew it all along, Squidward. No one can resist a Krabby Patty. [Squidward eats a bunch of Krabby Patties in all sorts of ways, even a dozen at a time] Squidward! How many are you eating? Squidward! [Squidward keeps eating all the Krabby Patties in the vault, Pac-Man style] Squidward, you can't eat all those patties at one time! SQUIDWARD!

Squidward: What's gonna happen? Am I gonna blow up?

SpongeBob: No, worse - it'll go right to your thighs!

Squidward: My thighs? [pan down showing Squidward's enlarged thighs]

SpongeBob: ...and then you blow up!

[Then the Krusty Krabs explodes. We see the ambulence carrying Squidward's head while the physician carries a bucket of Squidward's body]

Physician: [chuckles] I remember my first Krabby Patty...

[Episode ends]

The Bully [3.3b]

SpongeBob: Hi. I'm SpongeBob!

Flats: Hi, SpongeBob. I'm gonna kick your butt.

SpongeBob: Whoa! [giggles] That joke was almost funnier the second time!

Flats: [gets close to SpongeBob] No, I mean it.

SpongeBob: [giggles again] That time it almost seemed like... [Flats tears off his chest hair revealing "I MEAN IT".] ...you did mean it. [Mrs. Puff is writing on the board] Mrs. Puff?

Mrs. Puff: Yes, Spongebob?

SpongeBob: Can I be excused for the rest of my life?

Patrick: It must’ve been years since we seen each other. Oh, let me get going, he”s Gotta go back to school, soon, he says he’s gonna kick somebody’s butt.

[SpongeBob screams]

Patrick: Hello, is this pizza castle?

[SpongeBob slams to a door]

Mrs. Puff: Come in, SpongeBob.

SpongeBob: Oh Gary, I'm too young to have my butt kicked! There are so many things in life I haven't gotten to do! [cut to SpongeBob in an office building at a desk, on the phone] Hang on, I'll transfer your call. [cut back to a knock on the door] Who is it? [door falls down. SpongeBob sees Flats and screams] Flats!

Flats: It's butt-kicking time!

SpongeBob: Gary, there's something I want you to know, but I'm too scared to remember what it is. [Flats cracks his knuckles more and more. SpongeBob breathes harder and harder. Flats brushes his teeth and gargles. SpongeBob breathes harder]

Flats: Let's do it!

SpongeBob: Go away, Gary. I don't want you to see this. It'll be ugly. [Gary gets out a camera from his shell]

Flats: Are you ready?

SpongeBob: Hold on. [puts a blindfold over his eyes] Okay, I'm ready. [Flats punches SpongeBob, but it doesn't hurt him] I said I'm ready. [Flats tries again but same result happens] Didn't you hear me? I said I'm ready. [Flats punches him again and this time SpongeBob giggles] That tickles. [Flats keeps punching him but nothing seems to hurt SpongeBob] Gary, I'm absorbing his blows like I was made of some kind of spongy material! Do you know what that means? I get to go to work tomorrow! [cut to next day where SpongeBob is in the Krusty Krab kitchen, grilling, and Flats is still punching SpongeBob, then scene cuts to him playing cards with Gary] You have any sevens?

Gary: Meow.

SpongeBob: [chasing jellyfish, walking out of the bathroom, sleeping, and eating breakfast, while Flats is still punching him. Cut to boating school as SpongeBob is sitting at his desk and Flats is punching, but is now exhausted. He passes out due to exhaustion] Flats, are you okay? [everyone cheers] Do not cheer me, my fellow adult classmates. Flats was the real victim here. A victim of a society that's riding down a violent road to nowhere; a road I call... [clenches fist] ...'violence road'.

Mrs. Puff: [walks in] Sorry I'm late, class, I... [gasps as she sees SpongeBob's fist and Flats on the ground] SpongeBob! I can't believe you beat up a new student! [zoom out of school] I'm going to kick your butt!

[Episode ends]

Episode 4

Nasty Patty [3.4a]

SpongeBob: Maybe we oughta tell our guy about the phony impostor.

Mr. Krabs: You loony loofah, he is the impostor! We've been duped!

SpongeBob: Duped!

Mr. Krabs: Bamboozled!

SpongeBob: We've been smeckledorfed!

Mr. Krabs: That's not even a word and I agree with ya!

Mr. Krabs: FREE FOOD?!?!

Idiot Box (featuring Steve Kehela) [3.4b]

Squidward: How are you doing that?

SpongeBob: First we establish a base camp at 15,000 feet.

Squidward: The noises! How are you two making those noises?

Patrick: Well, that's easy. All you need is a box.

SpongeBob: And... imagination. [forms a rainbow with his hands]

Squidward: Are you trying to say I have no imagination? I have more..."imagination" in one tentacle than you two have in your whole bodies.

Patrick: That's good. Now all you need is a box.

Squidward: [Bubble transition as he looks in his closet] There's gotta be one in here! [finds a small, round green box] Ah! This hat box should do nicely. [pulls out a Mexican sombrero] Why haven't I worn this yet? [throws it off-screen, gets in the box, but he is too big for it and then just sits there. He then frowns with smoking present, looks at his watch, and then gets mad and kicks the box. Police sirens are heard]

Policeman Inside Box: Attention! We have you surrounded! Come out with your hands up!

Squidward: What do they want with me? What did I do? [gasps] Obviously I violated some new box kicking law. [walks out of his house showing the green box] Look, officers, everything's okay. I won't do it again.

Criminal Inside Box: You'll never take me alive, coppers!

Man Inside Box: No, Johnny! Don't do it! [Police sirens are heard. Squidward gets angry and kicks his green box toward SpongeBob and Patrick's box]

Patrick: [opens box and sirens stop] Whoopee! Another box! [takes the hat box and closes the box they're sitting in and police sirens are heard again]

Episode 5

Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy IV (featuring Ernest Borgnine and Tim Conway) [3.5a]

[The two are trying to reverse the effects of a shrink ray on Mermaid Man's utility belt]

Patrick: You know what the problem is?

SpongeBob: What?

Patrick: You got it set to "M" for "mini"... [turns the "M" on the belt upside down] ...When it should be set to "W" for "wumbo".

SpongeBob: Patrick, I don't think "wumbo" is a real word.

Patrick: Come on! You know. I wumbo, you wumbo, he she me, wumbo! Wumbo, wumboing ...

Squidward: [thinking] I wonder if a fall from this height would be enough to kill me.

Patrick: ...Wumbology - the study of wumbo? It's first grade, Spongebob.

Spongebob: Patrick, I'm sorry I doubted you.

Doing Time [3.5b]

[SpongeBob and Patrick are trying to rob the bank]

SpongeBob: Alright! Put the money. In. The. Bag! PUT IT IN!

Bank Teller: Umm, you're facing the wrong way, sir.

SpongeBob: [turns around, laughing] ALRIGHT, GIVE ME THE MONEY!

Bank Teller: Will that be from your savings or your checking account, sir?

SpongeBob: Uhh, savings.

Bank Teller: May I please see some identification?

SpongeBob: Sure. [gives him a card] Here ya go.

Bank Teller: Thank you. [The card is shown to be SpongeBob's Jellyfishers Club Membership card; SpongeBob gives Patrick a thumbs up] Sir, we are showing a balance of $0.00 for both of your accounts.

SpongeBob: Oh.

Bank Teller: Next.

SpongeBob: Patrick, she has lost it! She's completely institutionalized. She's forgotten what it's like to live on the outside, to not be in prison!

[Cut to a fish caught in traffic, then miserably working at a cubicle, and then solemnly looking out his window]

Wife: Coming to bed, honey?

Fish: Yes, dear.

[Cut back to SpongeBob and Patrick]

SpongeBob: We've gotta remind her that there is a life other than this! Mrs. Puff, if you come with us, I’ll stay up your school, and decorate the whole classroom.

Mrs. Puff: For the last time, NO! I’M NOT GOING WITH YOU THAT’S FINAL!! Oh! Oh.

Bikini Bottom Jail Guard: Talking to inanimate objects again, huh, Puff?

Prison Guard No. 1: What the barnacle is going on?!

Mrs. Puff: Get away from me, get away!

Prison Guard No. 1: What are you talking about, Puff?!

Mrs. Puff: You can't fool me! You're SpongeBob and that guy who likes the chili! [rips off the guards' faces]

Prison Guard No. 1: Let's face it, Puff. You've gone off the deep end.

[Scene cuts to a second guard throwing Mrs. Puff, who is in a straitjacket, in a small, yellow square room]

Prison Guard No. 2: Get in there, you! You need a nice long stay in solitary confinement! [slams the door, which makes a squeaking sound]

Mrs. Puff: Oh, well. Let's look at the positives again. I'm finally away from those two. Yes. All alone in my nice, soft room.

SpongeBob: Made of sponge! [laughs. The room is made of yellow sponge as SpongeBob's face appears on all sides of the wall. Mrs. Puff screams]

Officer Malley (Green): Freeze! Your joyride's over, punk. [police officers walk over]

Mrs. Puff: No! What? [policemen arrest SpongeBob this time, because he now failed the driving test] Huh? What?

SpongeBob: No. No! What are you doing?! Help! Help! [As the officers carry him to the jail vehicle, he kicks his legs.] No, no, please! No! I have a snail to feed! I can't go to jail now! This is not a good time! No, please, please! I'm not a criminal! [They throw him into the back of the police car, then drives off to jail]

Mrs. Puff: I can't believe it. It was all a dream. I'm not going to jail!

Officer Malley (Orange): Why would you go to jail? You already did your time. [zoom out to reveal Mrs. Puff wearing prison striped clothes of black and white with a prison ball chained to her ankle. She screams]

Episode 6

Snowball Effect [3.6a]

Plankton: [walks outside the Chum Bucket] What's this? Drops of rain frozen into ice crystals? I shall harness their energy and rule the world! [laughs evilly, but a bunch of snow falls on top of him] Ahh... oh, stop! I WISH TO RULE YOU! [he is now buried in snow]

Patrick : This is serious, SpongeBob. Someone’s after me, I think I better leave town.

SpongeBob: Patrick, I threw it, we’re having a snowball fight, don’t you get it?

Patrick: Snowball fight? I wanna play, I wanna play!

SpongeBob: Squidward! You're just in time to enlist in my army! Join me, and and togther, we'll defeat the Pink Menace!

Patrick: That's me!

Squidward: Thanks but no thanks Major Stupidity. You and General Nonsense over there will have to fight without me! [laughs, but then ducks when Patrick throws the snowball which puts out the fireplace. He groans and closes the window]

One Krab's Trash [3.6b]

Patrick: That looks like a toilet plunger I threw out yesterday!

Mr. Krabs: That ain't no toilet plunger! This here's an antique! It's, um...uh... [turns the rubber part of the plunger upside-down] ...A 17th-century soup ladle, see?

Patrick: Wow, was I using mine wrong! How much?

Mr. Krabs: $5.

Patrick: I've only got $7.

Mr. Krabs: Deal.

Patrick: Patrick Star, you are one smart shopper.

Mr. Krabs: [reads the tombstone Squidward was looking at] "Here lies Squidward's hopes and dreams". What a baby.

Mr. Krabs: Barnacles! I'll never find-- [sees the tombstone and it shows his real name, Smitty Werben Man Jensen] The grave! Am I really going to defile this grave for money? Of course I am! [digs and hits something] Jackpot! [opens up the coffin] Ooh. It's beautiful. Come to papa. [takes the head off with the hat on] Hey, come on, Smitty, let go! [takes his head off] Rest in pieces, Smitty. [jumps out of the hole] I got the million dollar hat.

[lightning and thunder booms. Smitty stands up from his grave with his head in one hand]

Smitty: Hey, man, that's my hat. Give it back.

Mr. Krabs: What? No way. Just crawl back into your hole, bone boy. Go ahead, play dead.

Smitty: I guess I'm gonna have to take it from you.

Mr. Krabs: Yeah, right. You and what army? [But then, the skeleton zombie army came with an eerie moaning]

Smitty: Only the army of the living dead. [all the other dead bodies are walking towards Mr. Krabs]

Mr. Krabs: [scared] Oh, no! I've seen this on the late show! You ghoulish fiends hold me down and take turns nibbling on my innards, then you eat my brain and leave my body for the buzzards!

Smitty: That's disgusting. We just want the hat back.

Mr. Krabs: No flipping way! [takes the head of a swordfish and uses it as a sword] Back off! Back off, I say!

Smitty: Attack. [the skeleton zombies ready to draw their weapons]

Mr. Krabs: Tallyho! [sword fights a few zombies] Look at me, I'm Errol Fin! [chops up more bodies] You're falling apart, marrow brain! You must be kidding. [sword fights them] Back to oblivion! [jumps over a group of zombies] Oh, ho! How's your sister? All right, boneheads. Playtime's over. Yee-hoo! Ha-ha! [twirls around and destroys more of the skeleton zombies in the morning Mr. Krabs finishes destroying all the skeleton zombies and runs out of the cemetery] Wa-ha! A million dollars. I've got a million dollars! [runs back to his curio stand where the fish are talking altogether at once] Oh, there you are. Well, I got it. The rare novelty soda drinking hat. Let's start the bidding at one million dollars! [all of the fish look at each other and then laugh]

Fred: Yeah, you want that all at once?

Fish #3: One million dollars. You gotta be kidding!

Nat: Hey! The poor sap's not kidding. Didn't you hear? They found a whole warehouse full of them. THEY'RE WORTHLESS! [the camera goes to a bunch of soda drinking hats are in the dumpster. The fish crack up laughing. SpongeBob walks by with a hat that has clapping hands on the top of it]

SpongeBob: Let's give Mr. Krabs a big hand. [laughs]

Nat: Now that's worth a million dollars. [SpongeBob laughs again and he leaves the background. Nat runs after him and the other fish follow] Hey, kid, wait up!

Fish #2: I saw him first!

Fish #3: I'll give you one billion dollars!

[Fred rows his row-boat along the ground to chase SpongeBob]

Mr. Krabs: Well, that's a spirit breaker. [throws the soda drinking hat away and breaks down sobbing]

Squidward: [walks by with flowers in hand] What a baby. [walks off and the episode ends]

Episode 7

As Seen on T.V. [3.7a]

Mr. Krabs: What in Neptune's name is going on?!

Squidward: We're making the commercial, Mr. Krabs.

Mr. Krabs: What you're doing is throwing away me money! I told you to rent, only, what is absolutely necessary!

Squidward: This is all necessary!

Mr. Krabs: Then what's that useless junk?

Squidward: That's the useless junk for scene, uh...28.

Mr. Krabs: Oh well, then how do you explain that? [sees another Krusty Krab] A second Krusty Krab?

Squidward: Mr. Krabs, everyone needs an understudy.

Mr. Krabs: Well, you got me there. But why do we need him? [points to a clown]

Squidward: This job gets very stressful, Mr. Krabs.

Mr. Krabs: Well, SpongeBob, looks like you've finally found your calling.

SpongeBob: I'll say. I'm so glad I gave up fry cooking for this.

Can You Spare a Dime? [3.7b]

SpongeBob: Squidward, you're making a big mistake!

Squidward: Mistake? Ha! The only mistake I ever made was wasting my life at the Krusty Krab!

SpongeBob: But a visit to the Krusty Krab makes everyone happy. And what could be better than serving up smiles? [smiles really big]

Squidward: Being dead or anything else!

SpongeBob: Anyway, I just want you to know, if you ever get in trouble, come find me. I'll take care of you. 'Cause you and me, we're like brothers. Only closer...

[He lifts Squidward's shirt to reveal their conjoined hearts; Squidward screams]

Squidward: [to SpongeBob, after quitting] You know, that reminds me. There's something I've been wanting to tell you from the day we first met - goodbye... Next time you'll see me, this town will be eating from the palm of my hands.

[Cut to Squidward, now broke, inside the cardboard box]

Squidward: [holding a cup] Spare change? Spare change, ma'am?

Squidward: Don't you get it?! I'm a loser!!! I lost my job, my home, everything!

SpongeBob: [gasps] Even your paintings?!

Squidward: Nobody would take them. So I had to eat them!

Gary: Meow.

SpongeBob: [gasps] Gary! Squidward is not a freeloader, and he would never take advantage of me!

French Narrator: Three weeks later...

SpongeBob: He's just having a hard time getting his confidence back.

French Narrator: Many months later...

SpongeBob: I'm sure he's close to a breakthrough.

British Narrator: So much later that the old narrator got tired of waiting and they had to hire a new one...

Gary: Meow, meow, meow.

SpongeBob: I know he still isn't looking for work! Don't rub it in!

[Two puppets appear on the TV screen]

Puppet 1: Hey, where you going?

Puppet 2: To my job.

Puppet 1: You have a job?

Puppet 2: Why wouldn't I? I'm not some lazy inconsiderate jerk who lays in bed all day.

Puppet 1: Say, where can I get one of these jobs?

[The camera pans down to reveal that it's SpongeBob handling the puppets behind the TV screen]

SpongeBob: [voicing puppet 2] Oh, they're everywhere, especially if you're green and have six tentacles. [voicing puppet 1] Thanks. I'm gonna go look for one, so I can stop [normal voice] MOOCHING OFF MY FRIENDS, and they can get back to their lives!

Squidward: This isn't my show! SpongeBob, the remote control's broken! Get over here and fix it!

SpongeBob: [completely had it; flips the TV away] I've got a better idea! Why don't I call someone whose job it is to fix it?! You know why? Because when I need a job done, I get someone with a JOB to DO THAT JOB!

Squidward: [pause] What're you saying?

[SpongeBob loses it, and takes Squidward, still in bed, bursts out of his house, and runs to the Krusty Krab, screaming]

Mr. Krabs: [talking on the phone] Donate to the children's fund? Why? What have children ever done for me?

[SpongeBob suddenly appears, as he furiously grabs the phone and throws it away]

SpongeBob: You want your dime back?! [takes one out] TAKE IT! Now Squidward can come back, right?!

Mr. Krabs: [checks the dime through a telescope] Wrong! [throws the dime at SpongeBob's face] That ain't my first dime.

SpongeBob: [throws out more dimes at Mr. Krabs' face] Then have some more dimes! I've got plenty of 'em!

Mr. Krabs: You can't put a price on me first dime! And I can't forgive that thievin' bilge rat Squidward for stealin' it!

[SpongeBob suddenly grabs Mr. Krabs by the throat and holding him up in the air]

SpongeBob: LISTEN, YOU CRUSTACEOUS CHEAPSKATE! SQUIDWARD HAS BEEN LIVING IN MY HOUSE DRIVING ME CRAZY! [shakes him violently] AND YOU'RE NOT GONNA HIRE HIM BACK ALL BECAUSE OF A STUPID DIME?! [a prehistoric dime falls out of Mr. Krabs' back pocket. SpongeBob suddenly calms down and lets go of Mr. Krabs] What's that?

Mr. Krabs: [gasps] Me first dime! [hugs the dime] Oh, Dimey, I'll never lose you again!

SpongeBob: This is a dime?

Mr. Krabs: I've been in business a long time, boy.

SpongeBob: So, if Squidward never stole the dime, he can come back to work, right?'

Mr. Krabs: Aye, lad, just let the dime and me have our privacy. [kisses the dime. SpongeBob cheers before running off]

SpongeBob: Yeeee-aah-hoooo!

Episode 8

No Weenies Allowed [3.8a]

Sandy: Back in Texas, we call ice cream "frozen cow juice."

Drifter: [looks like SpongeBob; has a cool black wig] What's shakin', my man?

Reg: Not much. Say, haven't I seen you before?

Drifter: Doubt it. I'm a drifter, just blew into town. Heard your club was pretty tough, thought I'd check it out.

Reg: Nice try, kid. I know it's you.

Drifter: What're you talking about? [Reg pulls his hair, but it's real hair]

Reg: [pulls the drifter's hair, but it's his real hair] Aha!

SpongeBob: [enters, wearing a rainbow afro clown wig] Hey, everybody, what's goin' on?

[Reg tries to fix the drifter's hair]

SpongeBob: Hey, what about me? I was in that scrap.

Reg: Ho ho, I saw you running. when you get in a real fight, then we'll talk.

SpongeBob: Well then, I guess it's time to take it up a notch. :[spins his legs, then his arms, trying to snap his fingers, but they're cracked in half; cut to SpongeBob showing his broken fingers, he cries and runs off, Scene cuts to SpongeBob with his fingers in a bowl of ice cream in a banana split, whimpering]

Robot: Care for another sundae, weenie?

SpongeBob: [jumps angrily] I am not a weenie!

Nerd #1: Relax, you're among friends. [raises his drink]

SpongeBob: My friends don't hang out at Weenie Hut Jr's. [scroll over to Patrick in the seat next to him]

Patrick: You tell 'em, SpongeBob! [sips his drink]

SpongeBob: Patrick, what're you doing here?

Patrick: I'm always here on Double Weenie Wednesdays.

Reg: I never thought I'd say this, but go ahead in.

SpongeBob: Really? I can go in? Oh my gosh, I never thought this moment would come! I, SpongeBob SquarePants, am tough enough to get into the Salty Spittoon! This is the happiest day of my liiiife! [walks in; scene cuts to an ambulance driving down the street with SpongeBob in bandages and Sandy by his side]Sandy? [groans]What happened?

Sandy: You ran inside and slipped on an ice cube. [ambulance arrives at the hospital; scene cuts to Sandy wheeling SpongeBob in front of the doctor]

Doctor: What happened?

SpongeBob: I slipped on an ice cube and got covered in boo-boos!

Doctor: Boo-boos, eh? Hmmm...I think you guys want that hospital. [points across the street to another hospital]

SpongeBob: Weenie Hut General?!

Squilliam Returns [3.8b]

Squidward: Please, Mr. Krabs, you got to help me! When they get here tonight, they're going to see I'm just a big phony and a loser!

Mr. Krabs: Ohh, boo-hoo! Let me play a sad song for you on the world's smallest violin. [rubs his fingers and sad violin music plays]

Squidward: This is serious!

Mr. Krabs: I know. This really is the world's smallest violin. [tiny violin is shown] See?

Squidward: Mr. Krabs! Please let me run the restaurant for just one night! I really need to impress Squilliam!

Mr. Krabs: Sq-Sq-Sq-Squilliam? [Squilliam's unibrow appears above Mr. Krabs' head] That guy who made millions doing what you wish you could do?

Squidward: Don't rub it in.

Mr. Krabs: Why didn't you tell me? We'll take him to the cleaners.

Squidward: Alright, listen up. Men, Squilliam Fancyson will be here in twenty minutes. Therefore, we need to turn the Krusty Krab into a fancy restaurant as soon as possible. [Patrick appears with an army hat] Patrick, what are you doing here?

Patrick: I thought the Corps would help me straighten out my life, sir!!

Squidward: The Corps? What the...Pat, this isn't the...oh! [sighs] Beggars can't be choosers. Can you take hats in a dignified and sophisticated manner?

Patrick: You mean like a weenie? Okay! [talking silly with a goofy expression on his face] May I take your hat, sir? May I take your hat, sir? May I...

Squidward: [puts his hand over Patrick's mouth] Alright! I've heard enough! You've got the job.

Squidward: Mr. Krabs, you gotta take 'em out of the... [gasps] HOLY FISH PASTE, WHAT IS THAT?!?! [sees a grotesque pile of goop with gross things sticking out of it]

Mr. Krabs: That's the appetizer.

Squidward: But I thought you said you were the head chef on the S.S. Gourmet.

Mr. Krabs: Did I say that? No. I cleaned the bathrooms on the Gourmet. I was the head chef on the S.S. Diarrhea.

[Inside SpongeBob's thoughts]

Boss: Just got an order from the boss - dump everything that isn't about fine dining!

SpongeBobs: Everything?!

Boss: Everything!

[Show the SpongeBobs getting rid of everything]

Boss: Hurry up! What do you think I'm paying you for?

Other: You don't pay me. We don't even exist. We're just a clever visual metaphor used to personify the abstract concept of thought.

Boss: One more crack like that, and you're outta here!

Other: No, please! I have three kids!

Squilliam: What really won me over was your brilliant waiter. It's as if all he knows is fine dining, and breathing! [to SpongeBob] I must know your name!

[Record scratches as SpongeBob is nervous]

SpongeBob: My name?

Squilliam: Yes, your name, son.

SpongeBob: Uh... Beef Wellington?

Squilliam: [chuckles] No, your name.

SpongeBob: Uh... uh... the fork on the left?

Squidward: Heh. Stop joking. Tell him your name.

SpongeBob: My name...?

[Zoom inside of SpongeBob's brain again where all the SpongeBobs are trying to search for a name]

Smaller SpongeBob #3: [as he checks file cabinets] What's his name?! What's his name?! I've got nothing on a name!

Smaller SpongeBob #4: [pressing a key on a keyboard connected to a computer] Come on, baby, what's the name?! [The computer bursts into flames. Panicked shouting is heard from other smaller SpongeBobs as they are running wildly around while papers are flying]

Smaller SpongeBob #5: WE THREW OUT HIS NAME!

[More smaller SpongeBobs begin to run around while more papers are flying. SpongeBob's brain then breaks in half. Cuts back to Squilliam and Squidward with SpongeBob stammering for a moment. Then he splashes water on Squilliam and then starts to bark and going wild.]

Squidward: Oh, I am so very sorry! I don't know what has gotten into that-- [screams as he notices SpongeBob with a bowl of hot soup by Fred]

SpongeBob More soup for your armpit?! [holds up Fred's arm and throws the soup on his armpits, causing him to scream in pain, runs over to Martha and grabs her head] Please enjoy the food! [slams her face into her food then runs up to Nat] Would you like some cheese on that, sir?! [pulls out a cheese grater, picks him up and grates his butt with it as Nat screams.]

[Every fish screams and panics]

Squidward: [frightened] No! No!

[Patrick, still tied up, runs out of the kitchen, screaming. And Mr. Krabs, still tied up, also runs of the kitchen and warns everyone that there's more danger for some things that he cooked so badly.]

Mr. Krabs: Run for your lives, everyone! It's the appetizer!

Episode 9

Krab Borg (featuring Rodney Bingenheimer) [3.9a]

SpongeBob: There you go. Enjoy your– Say, you're not a robot, are you?

Customer: No...I'm not.

SpongeBob: Well, keep your eyes peeled. They're everywhere. Back to work!

SpongeBob: If I didn't know better, I'd say he was [He then get's scared] a robot.

SpongeBob: Mr-! [Squidward puts his hand over SpongeBob's mouth]

Squidward: Will you be quiet? Now listen, what did these robots in the movie look like?

SpongeBob: Well, they had piercing red eyes, metal pinchers for hands, and they ran on batteries.

Squidward: Okay, so tell me, does Mr. Krabs look anything like that?!

[Mr. Krabs barges out of his office, still screaming. He now has burning red eyes, the pair of tongs snipping in his claw, and the batteries in his pocket, just like the robot in the movie. SpongeBob and Squidward both scream in fear. Mr. Krabs continues screaming as he runs into the bathroom]

Squidward: I'll evacuate the customers, you call the navy!

SpongeBob: [runs over to the phone] Hello, Operator? Get me the Navy!

Operator: Hello, you've reached the Navy's automated phone service.

SpongeBob: Squidward, the robots are running the Navy!

Squidward: NOT THE NAVY! [on the microphone] Attention, Krusty Krab! Run for your lives! Robots are taking over the world! [pause] OUR WORLD! [Then the customers run and scream in panic] What do we do now?

SpongeBob: I don't know! [notices a nickel] Hey, a nickel! [points at it]

Squidward: SpongeBob.

SpongeBob: Sorry.

Mr. Krabs: [walks out of the bathroom, his eyes back to normal] Ah, that's better. [walks back to his office] Bee-boo-boo-boo-bee-bop, boo-boo-bop.

Squidward: We need to find out what that robot did with the real Mr. Krabs, but how?

SpongeBob: Well, in the movie the hero teams up with a buddy, and they get the poop on the robot.

Squidward: They poop on the robot?

SpongeBob: Yeah, you know, they get the straight poop, ask questions, get information.

Squidward: I never thought I'd say this, but, SpongeBob, let's get that poop!

[Squidward and SpongeBob dive in. SpongeBob grabs rope, Squidward grabs tools, and SpongeBob grabs records, cuts to Mr. Krabs]

Mr. Krabs: Oh, hello, boys. What can I do for ya? [they both lock the door] Hehe, why did you lock the door? Why do you have that rope? WHO'S WATCHING THE CASH REGISTER?! [gets attacked] SpongeBob, Squidward, what’s the meaning of this?! Unite me this instant!

[SpongeBob runs up to Mr. Krabs and then slaps him]

Squidward: SpongeBob, you gotta ask him a question first.

SpongeBob: Oh, yeah. What color is my underwear? [slaps him again]

Squidward: SpongeBob, let me handle this. [turns a light on Mr. Krabs] Where's Mr. Krabs?

Mr. Krabs: [confused] What are you talking about? I'm Mr. Krabs. [Squidward slaps him again]

Squidward: We can do this all night if you want. Where's Mr. Krabs?

Mr. Krabs: I'm Mr. Krabs!

SpongeBob: Where's Mr. Krabs?

Squidward: I'm Mr. Krabs!

Squidward: Where's Mr. Krabs?

Mr. Krabs: I am Mr. Krabs! I am! I am! I am! I am! I am! I am! I am!

SpongeBob: This is one stubborn robot.

Mr. Krabs: [confused, then angrily yells] WHAT?! [his yelling knocks over the lamp and SpongeBob] YOU THINK I'M A ROBOT?!

Squidward: We don't think; we know.

Mr. Krabs: That's the silliest thing I ever heard! I AM MR. KRABS!

Squidward: SpongeBob, how did that movie of yours end?

SpongeBob: The movie? Oh! Yeah! The ending was great! Turns out, there weren't any robots after all! It was just their... [realizing] ...imagination. Hey, it's time to feed Gary!

[He bolts right out of the Krusty Krab; Mr. Krabs glares at Squidward lividly as he nervously begins sweeping up all the devices. Cut to outside the Krusty Krab]

Mr. Krabs: GRRRRRRR... SQUIIIIIDWAAAAAARD!!!!

Rock-a-Bye Bivalve [3.9b]

SpongeBob: Patrick, breakfast is ready.

Patrick: [sees the whole table of homemade breakfast meals] All right! All this parenting stuff makes me hungry. [lifts the table to gobble up food, then burps] Hey, Junior. How you doing today? [smells the stink] SpongeBob.

SpongeBob: Yes, Patrick.

Patrick: Kid's got a stinky.

SpongeBob: Can you take care of him? My hands are kind of full.

Patrick: [drinks a coffee while Junior begins to cry] Wish I could, but I'm gotta get going.

SpongeBob: Going? Where are you going?

Patrick: Going to work. I'm the dad, remember?

SpongeBob: You mean I have to do this baby stuff myself?

Patrick: I'll give you the break when I get home. Don't you stop being adorable. [laughs as he close the door]

SpongeBob: Okay...

[Patrick walks in with a lampshade over his head, giggling and turns on the light]

Patrick: Oh boy, that was some party! [SpongeBob is wearing his mother-like clothing and holding Junior and he gives Patrick a bitter look. SpongeBob is quiet and bitter outside, but in the inside, is very furious with Patrick for breaking his promise again] Oh, hey, SpongeBob. Hey, Junior. [SpongeBob now looks at Patrick angrily as he taps one of his bare feet] What? What?!

SpongeBob: [coldly] Oh, nothing.

Patrick: [relieved and stupidly] Oh, what a relief. [stupidly takes the lampshade off his head and foolishly puts it on SpongeBob] For a second there, I thought you were mad at me.

SpongeBob: [angrily takes the lampshade off his head] Do you remember what you said to me this morning?

Patrick: Somethin' about root beer, right?

SpongeBob: [takes a deep breath, flatly] No.

Patrick: Oh, wait, wait, let me guess. [confusedly gives up] I give up.

SpongeBob: Does "you can take the night off, pal" ring a bell?

Patrick: [scoffs in annoyance] I don't need this. [angrily walks outside]

SpongeBob: What?! [angrily walks to the door] Where do you think you're going?

Patrick: [opens his rock; angrily] I'm going back to work! [gets inside and closes his rock]

SpongeBob: Work!? [growls in fury, rips off his foam rollers]

[Cut to SpongeBob, not wearing his mother-like clothing anymore, walking outside to Patrick's rock. He furiously opens it up, and finds Patrick in his easy chair, watching TV.]

Patrick: [two "bonk" sounds are heard on the TV; laughs] He got hit in the head with two coconuts!

SpongeBob: [angrily] So, this is work?

Patrick: You know, it's not as easy as it looks. Sometimes, I gotta move the antenna, sometimes, I lose the remote, and sometimes my butt itches real bad!

SpongeBob: [sarcastically] Oh, you poor, poor thing. By the way, you forgot your... briefcase! [pulls a briefcase out from behind his back, and opens it up to reveal that it is filled with sundaes and donuts as he angrily dumps it all over Patrick]

Patrick: [quietly but fumingly] Oh, so this is the thanks I get for working overtime.

[SpongeBob is enraged. He balls his fists and his entire body shakes. Then he loses his temper and goes ballistic on Patrick. His mouth has become huge.]

SpongeBob: [screaming intensely with fury] OVERTIME!?

[SpongeBob jumps into Patrick's rock, and they both begin to argue intensely and abusively. Junior's chirping intensifies, which makes the two finally stop arguing and listen to it]

Patrick: There's that stupid noise again!

SpongeBob: Oh, that's not a stupid noise. That's just Junior about to jump out of that two-story window.

[Junior is teetering on the edge of the window of SpongeBob's house, ready to fly]

Patrick: Oh...

Both: [eyes bulge in horror] JUNIOR!!!

SpongeBob: Well, Patrick, he doesn't need us anymore.

Patrick: This is the hardest part of every parent's life, I assume.

SpongeBob: Despite all we've been through, it was worth it.

Patrick: Yeah... Let's have another.

[SpongeBob looks alarmed]

Episode 10

Wet Painters [3.10a]

M. Krabs: Let me give you two a warning: this here paint is absolutely permanent! It will never come off! So I see... even one drop... ON ANYTHING BUT WALL! I'LL HAVE YOUR REAR ENDS CUT OFF AND MOUNTED OVER ME FIRE PLACE! So, have fun with the job!

SpongeBob: [accidentally creates a giant paint bubble] Barnacles! What could be worse than a giant paint bubble?!

Patrick: Oh, I know! [uses a bubble wand to blow another giant bubble] Two giant paint bubbles!

SpongeBob: NOOOOOOOO! [the two bubbles merge into one] Patrick?

Patrick: Yeah, SpongeBob?

SpongeBob: I don't think this bubble can get much bigger!

Patrick: Nonsense! [inflates the giant bubble with a bicycle pump]

SpongeBob: PAT, NO! [The giant paint bubble pops as the paint splats all over the walls, except SpongeBob, who gets off the wall as the paint splats on the brown wall] We did it! [checks the area] We painted the whole house and without getting a drop of paint on anything but the- [shocked] FLAPPIN' FLOTSAM! WHAT'S THAT?! [Mr. Krabs' dollar on the wall has a dot of paint on it upon closer inspection, SpongeBob's eyes crack, break, and drip on the floor, he then falls over, he then wakes up and his eyes recover] We're dead, Patrick! do you know what that is?

Patrick: Hmmmm.... it's a dollar I win!

SpongeBob: That's not just a dollar. It's Mr. Krabs' first dollar, his most prized possession, And we got paint on it!

[scene cuts to SpongeBob standing by a washing machine]

SpongeBob: Did it work? [Patrick comes out from the washing machine with the dollar, still with paint on it, in his hands; he also has a bra on his head]

Patrick: Nope. [scene cuts to SpongeBob sanding the dollar in Patrick's hand]

SpongeBob: Did it work? [Patrick's hands are gone]

Patrick: Nope. [scene cuts to SpongeBob using a fire hose to shoot a massive stream of water at Patrick, who screams in pain offscreen]

SpongeBob: Did it work? [Patrick holds up the dollar that left a hole in his body from the force of the water, except for the part blocked by his arms]

Patrick: Nope. [The camera pans along various tools that apparently failed at the task. Meanwhile, SpongeBob is beating up the dollar, but Patrick takes the hits] Oof! Oof! Oof! [later shows SpongeBob with a baseball bat and Patrick with a black eye and neck brace, still holding the dollar]

SpongeBob: Nothing's working!

Patrick: Wait, SpongeBob! We're not cavemen! [walks over to a computer] We have technology! [picks up the computer and angrily grunts as he smashes it on the dollar]

SpongeBob: It didn't work.

Mr. Krabs: Did you two get paint all over me first dollar?

SpongeBob: We're sorry, Mr. Krabs!

Patrick: [simultaneously] We're so sorry!

Mr. Krabs: [looks at dollar again] And then did you draw on it with crayon?! [dollar has a smiley face and two dollar signs drawn on with green crayon]

Patrick: (holding green crayon while SpongeBob stares at him) I thought, you know, maybe he'd buy it.

Mr. Krabs: Alright boys, you know what I've gotta do now?!?

SpongeBob: You mean our butts?

Patrick: Can I use mine one last time?

[Mr. Krabs takes the dollar off the frame, licks it, and sets it back; the paint has washed off.]

Mr. Krabs: There we go, good as new.

[SpongeBob and Patrick stammer "but" nonstop]

Mr. Krabs: Yeah, I lied. This paint actually comes off with saliva. [laughs]

SpongeBob: Oh, I get it, Mr. Krabs! You told us the paint was permanent, so me and Patrick would be more careful and not get paint on anything!

Mr. Krabs: Nah, I just like to mess with ya!

[He laughs as SpongeBob and Patrick grimace and leave in disgust; Mr. Krabs ends up spitting while laughing, washing off all the paint on the walls]

Mr. Krabs: Aw, crud. I really gotta learn to say it, not spray it.

Krusty Krab Training Video (featuring Steve Kehela) [3.10b]

Narrator: Sounds like a lot of...

Hoopla fish: Hoopla!

Narrator: It sounds like a lot of...

Hoopla fish: Hoopla!

Narrator: Sounds like a...

Hoopla fish: Hoopla! [scrolls over to him yelling] Hoopla!

[Someone off screen throws a brick at the fish, knocking him unconscious. The screen scrolls back to the patty.]

Narrator: But for every good employee, there is one who is not so good. [about Squidward] Let's see, inattentive, impatient, a glazed look in the eyes. Look carefully at the "I Really Wish I Weren't Here Right Now!" button. There's a name for employees like this, but we'll call him..."Squidward".

Squidward: Patrick, go be stupid somewhere else.

Narrator: Ah-ah-ah, Squidward, remember what Mr. Krabs says.

Mr. Krabs: The money is always right.

Patrick: The ceiling is right, Squidward. You're not a very good employee.

Plankton: Hear me, Krabs! You'll take this Krabby Patty from me when you pry it from my cold, dead...[as he is getting picked up by Mr. Krabs; in a high-pitched voice] Felicitations, malefactors! I am in town to find my minions! And I just know how to speak their lang- [Mr. Krabs flicks him outside the Krusty Krab] AAH!

[SpongeBob continues to run and scream]

Party Pooper Pants (featuring Lux Enterior and Kevin Michael Richardson) [3.11]

SpongeBob: The Plan Your Own Party Kit warns that unsupervised parties can lead to disaster. That's why I've taken the liberty of devising a schedule: 8 o'clock to 8:05: Guests arrive. 8:05-8:15: Opening remarks and general discussion. 8:15-8:27: Craft corner, followed by name tag distribution. At 8:27, we begin the qualifying rounds for our cracker-eating slash tongue-twister contest. 9:07: running charades. 9:38: charity apple-bob. 9:57: Electric jitterbug dance marathon, ladies' choice. [winks] At 10:09, things start cooking as I dip into my world-famous knock-knock joke vault!

Patrick: [reading his name tag that says, "HELLO, MY NAME IS PATRICK" upside down] Kirtap si eman, Y, M, O, 77, eh. I don't get it.

Mr. Krabs: No, you dumb bunny! It says "Hello, my name is Patrick"!

Patrick: [shakes his hand] Nice to meet you, Patrick!

Mr. Krabs: [laughs] Good one, Patrick! [both laugh]

Patrick: [he and Mr. Krabs laugh] Yeah.

SpongeBob: What's going on here?! The laughter isn't scheduled until 9:03! You want to throw a party, do it at your house, Patrick.

Patrick: Was he talking to me or you?

[looking at discussion cards]

Mr. Krabs: What does yours say, Plankton?

Plankton: Um...Oh, yes. "Discuss the secret formula for the Krabby Patty." [the card actually reads, "Where are you from?"] Ahem...How interesting.

Mr. Krabs: Nice try, Plankton.

SpongeBob: I can take losing the topic cards and the phone in the punch bowl... but I was supposed to lead THE BUNNY HOP! This is a bunch of barnacles! [runs up to the door with a pickaxe] I'M BREAKING IN!!!!!!!

Orange Officer: [catches SpongeBob about to do so] Well, well, well. What do we have here? A burglar bunny. Why do they do it, O'Malley?

Officer O'Malley: I don't know. It's probably how he gets his kicks.

Orange Officer: You criminals make me sick.

SpongeBob: I'm no criminal! I live here! I'm...I'm just throwing a party, I got locked out! I swear!

[Pause]

Orange Officer: Well, why didn't you say so? What a terrible misunderstanding!

Officer O'Malley: You have a nice party now, sir!

SpongeBob: Boy, for a second there, I thought I was going to be arrested for breaking into my own house! What an ironic twist that would have been.

Orange Officer: HEY!

SpongeBob: [yelps]

Orange Officer: Wait a second. If you're throwing a party... why weren't we invited?!

SpongeBob: [stammers] But, I... you, uh, I didn't know... The Plan Your Own P-party Kit did-didn't mention the police!

Officer O'Malley: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Okay, motor-mouth, tell it to the judge. [handcuffs SpongeBob, but the cuffs are broken] Oh no, these cuffs are broken.

Orange Officer: Huh, we can't bring him in in broken cuffs. I got an old pair in the car we can use.

[SpongeBob is being taken to the car in a pillory]

SpongeBob: Is it too late to offer you some punch?

Officer O'Malley: Sir, you have the right to remain silent.

SpongeBob: I understand.

Patchy: [blows his saxophone first, then sings] OH, Scurvy ain’t for the life of me, Yo Ho, Yo, Ho, Yo, Ho, Yo, Ho, Yo, Ho, Yo, Ho, Yo, Ho, Yo, Ho, Yo, Ho… OOOH! Yo, Ho, Yo, Ho, Yo, Ho, Yo, Ho, Yo, Ho, Yo, Ho, Yo, Ho, Yo, Ho, Yo, Ho, Yo, Ho, Yo, Ho, Yo, Ho, Yo, Ho, Yo, Ho, Yo, Ho… OOH… Scurvy ain’t for the life of me-

Potty: Uh… It’s time for your flute solo.

Patchy: Thank you, Potty, I almost forgot… [hears a dynamite sound] Wait a minute, I do ‘t play a flute- I play a five. [the camera zooms out, while is eyepatch rises] AAAH! POTTY KNOWS!!!!!

Episode 12

Chocolate with Nuts [3.12a]

Tom: Chocolate? Did you say chocolate?

Patrick: Yes, sir, [He holds two chocolate bars: one with a peanut logo, and one without] with or without nuts.

Tom: Chocolate! CHOCOLATE! CHOCOLATE!!!! [SpongeBob and Patrick are concerned and slowly back away from the screaming fish. They then run off as Tom chases them while madly screaming] CHOCOLATE!!!!!!!!!!!

[SpongeBob rings the doorbell and the same con-artist who sold them a bunch of candy bar bags appears]

Con-artist: Yes?

SpongeBob: Huh? Say, weren't you the same guy who sold us these candy bar bags?

Con-artist: I don't recall, but it looks to me that you boys have a lot of bags there. You two ladykillers are too smart to be without one of my patented candy-bar-bag-carrying bags.

Patrick: We'll take 20.

SpongeBob: Remember, Patrick, flatter the customer. Make him feel good.

[Patrick knocks on the door. The fish opens the door]

Customer 1: Hello?

Patrick: I love you.

[A harp plays as the customer shuts his door]

SpongeBob: I think you laid it on a teensy bit thick there, old pal.

SpongeBob: Remember, Patrick, focus. [knocks]

Customer 2: Yes?

SpongeBob: Good afternoon, sir, we're selling chocolate bars.

[Patrick's eyes zoom in and out on the customer]

Customer 2: Why is Chubby here staring at me?

Patrick: Focusing.

Customer 2: Back up, Jack. [slams the door on Patrick's eyes]

Patrick: Oof! [moves his eyes around] Nice place you got in here.

Elderly fish: Yes?

SpongeBob: Hello, young lady. [winks at Patrick, who chuckles] We're selling chocolate. [sultry] Is your mother home?

Elderly fish: MOM!

[Her mother, a shriveled up lump of dust, enters]

Mother: What, what, what's all the yelling?! You just can't wait for me to die, can you?!

Elderly fish: They're selling chocolate.

Mother: Chocolate?

Elderly fish: Yeah!

Mother: What, what are they selling?!

Elderly fish: Chocolates!

Mother: What?!

Elderly fish: CHOCOLATES!

Mother: I can't hear you!

Elderly fish: THEY'RE SELLING CHOCOLATES!!

Mother: They're selling chocolate?

Elderly fish: Yeah!

Mother: Chocolate. I remember when they first invented chocolate. Sweet, sweet chocolate. I always hated it!

SpongeBob: Oh, but this chocolate's not for eating. It's for...

Patrick: You rub it on your skin and it makes you live forever!

Mother: Live forever, ya say? I'll take one!

[The elderly fish slaps her; she goes back inside as the elderly fish pays SpongeBob]

Mother: Come on, you lazy Mary! Start rubbing me with that chocolate! [pops out] I hate you.

Injured Customer: I was born with glass bones and paper skin. Every morning, I break my legs, and every afternoon, I break my arms. At night, I lie awake in agony until my heart attacks put me to sleep.

SpongeBob: [grunting] Don't get me wrong, Patrick. It's great that we helped that guy out, but there's no one left in town to sell chocolate bars to. [trips up on a rock and falls.] Whoa! [makes another grunting noise. Cut to him with a box flat on his face] Let's face it, Patrick. We're failures.

Patrick: [walks in from the left, carrying a box] I can live with that. [places his box on SpongeBob's box and sits on it, making a small squeaking sound]

SpongeBob: Let's change our names to Why and Bother.

Tom: [appears behind the box] CHOCOLATE! [his screaming knocks SpongeBob, Patrick and the boxes over]

[Cut to SpongeBob and Patrick, whom they babble in fear]

SpongeBob: [simultaneously with Patrick] No, no! Don't hurt us. Please don't hurt me. No no. Please...

Patrick: [simultaneously with SpongeBob] No! Have mercy on me! Please spare me!

Tom: [cuts to him laughing manically] Finally! I've been tryna catch you boys all day! NOW THAT I GOT YOU RIGHT WHERE I WANT YOU...!!! [calmly and gladly] I'd like to buy all your chocolate. [holds up a large amount of cash]

[Cut to SpongeBob and Patrick looking shocked, chocolate bars fall out of Patrick's shorts, along with a Hershey's kiss. Cut back to Tom, SpongeBob, and Patrick. SpongeBob and Patrick are melting.]

SpongeBob: Thank you for your patronage.

[Bubble transition to the next scene. Patrick is pushing a wheelbarrow full of cash.]

Patrick: Are we living the fancy life yet, SpongeBob?

[Cut to the money in the barrel. SpongeBob pops out.]

SpongeBob: Not yet, pally! First, we got to spend all the money.

Patrick: But what are we gonna spend it on?

SpongeBob: [thinking] Hmm...

[Bubble transition to the next scene, a boat in a bottle with "Fancy!" on top is seen at night. Cut to the inside of the boat.]

Squidward: [walking in from the left] Good evening, sir. Table for one, please.

Waiter: Sorry, but the whole restaurant has been rented to a private party.

Squidward: [shocked] But it's my only night to be fancy! Oh, who could afford to rent out the whole restaurant?

Waiter: Oh, a couple of rich entrepreneurs [leans over to Squidward] and their dates.

[Cut to SpongeBob, Patrick, Mary, and mom; Mary is seen holding a glass.]

SpongeBob: So, how long have you two ladies known each other? [beat]

Mom: What? What did he say?

[The screen fades to black, ending the episode.]

Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy V (featuring Ernest Borgnine, Tim Conway, Martin Olson, and John Rhys-Davies) [3.12b]

Barnacle Boy: I'm tired of playing second banana to a man who wears a bra. From now on, I wanna be called Barnacle Man! And, I'm through with protecting citizens that don't respect me!

SpongeBob: I respect you, Barnacle Man!

Barnacle "Man": That's Barnacle Boy, I mean, Man! I... Ohh... forget you people. I say if you're not gonna give me any respect as a hero, then maybe you'll give me respect as a villain. A villain who is... [the sky turns orange as thunderstorms are heard] evil!

SpongeBob: Evil?

Squidward, Mr. Krabs, Sandy, and Patrick: Evil? [Mermaid Man zones out, so Mr. Krabs slaps him]

Mermaid Man: EVIL!

Barnacle "Man": I'm crossing over... to the dark side! [points to dark side of Krusty Krab]

Mr. Krabs: Why should I waste money lightin' the whole store? [villain car comes in, shows brief shot of License Plate (MEAN 2 U), then the window opens revealing Man Ray and the Dirty Bubble in the car]

Dirty Bubble: Did someone say evil?

SpongeBob: Holy oil spill! It's Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy's arch enemies: Man Ray and the Dirty Bubble! [Barnacle "Man" gets in the villain car]

Barnacle "Man": Nighty night, you old goat! [the villain car departs]

Mermaid Man: Nighty-night! [to Squidward] Will you tuck me in? [Squidward narrows his eyes]

[at the Krusty Krab. Barnacle "Man" is eating an adult-sized Krabby Patty]

Mermaid Man: How is that adult-sized Krabby Patty treating you, Barnacle [winks] Man?

Barnacle "Man": Actually, it's pretty big. I'm not sure if I can finish the whole thing.

[Mermaid Man laughs, then Barnacle "Man" laughs, SpongeBob, Patrick, Sandy, and Squidward come in, all injured and laughing. The guy at make-out reef who was kissing the pillow is laughing, Man Ray and the Dirty Bubble are in jail, laughing, and the chief is making out with himself; he turns around and laughs hysterically]

Episode 13

New Student Starfish [3.13a]

Mrs. Puff: Today's first lesson will be turning...

Patrick: [whispers to SpongeBob] 24 : [they laugh quietly, Mrs. Puff stops writing on the board for a second, then keeps writing]

SpongeBob: [holding in laughter] Patrick.

Patrick: [also holding in laughter] What?

SpongeBob: I thought of something funnier then 24.

Patrick: Let me hear it.

SpongeBob: 25.

[SpongeBob and Patrick giggle]

Mrs. Puff: THAT'S ENOUGH! Young man, this is your first day, so I will let you off with a warning. As for you, SpongeBob, I expect more from a good noodle. Pay close attention!

SpongeBob: Yes, Mrs. Puff.

Spongebob: [gasps upon seeing Patrick's ugly drawing of Mrs. Puff] "Big Fat Meanie"?? Patrick, you can't write that about the teacher!

Mrs. Puff: What about the teacher? [grabs Patrick's drawing of her. She then appears identical to Patrick's drawing] As if I really look like this?! SpongeBob, I believe you know the punishment for two classroom disruptions!

Spongebob: No...!

Mrs. Puff: Nice try, SpongeBob, but if one wishes to be a good noodle, one must behave like a good noodle.

SpongeBob: I'm a good noodle! I'm a good noodle!

Mrs. Puff: You will get this star back when you earn it.

Mrs. Puff: SpongeBob, I've had enough of your nonsense. Now collect your thingies, and move to the available desk somewhere in the back of the room.

SpongeBob: But... me? But why?

Mrs. Puff: Because the Big Fat Meanie said so. Now go!

SpongeBob: [mad] Thanks a lot, Patrick.

Patrick: Sure thing, buddy. [SpongeBob walks to the back. His classmates are staring at him]

SpongeBob: Well, I guess I can be a good noodle from back here. [Mrs. Puff's voice is receding as SpongeBob tries to listen from the back] It's so hard to hear! What kind of student sits back here anyway?! [reads the writing on the desk] 'Skool is 4 Chumps'? [shivers] Where am I?!

SpongeBob: Just ignore him, SpongeBob.

Patrick: SpongeBob, over here!

SpongeBob: Whatever you do, don't look at him.

Patrick: Psst, SpongeBob! [throws ball of paper] Psst, SpongeBob! [throws a book at SpongeBob] SpongeBob! [spits a bunch of spitballs on SpongeBob's face] SpongeBob! Psst, over here. I'm trying to tell you something. Something important!

SpongeBob: [covered in spitballs] What...?!

Patrick: [timidly] Hi.

SpongeBob: HIIIIIIIIII?!?!?! [growls, removing all the spitballs, then stops when he sees Mrs. Puff angry, covered in the spitballs]

Mrs. Puff: Perhaps this would be a good time for recess.

SpongeBob: In one day, I've gone from Good Noodle... to Bad Egg! It's all Stupid Patrick's fault. I hate you, Patrick.

Patrick: I hate you more!

SpongeBob: I'd hate you no matter what!

Patrick: Yeah? Well, I'd hate you even if I didn't hate you.

SpongeBob: I'd hate you even if that made sense!

Patrick: I'd hate you even if you were me! That's how much I'd hate you!

SpongeBob: I'd hate you, even if, uhh... Um, I'd hate you... even if the light bulb keeping Roger alive went out!

[Suddenly, Roger's lightbulb burns out]

SpongeBob: Huh?!?

[SpongeBob and Patrick stare at Roger for about 30 seconds, panting and trying to ignore one another, but then Roger freezes and both begin to progressively whimper louder and louder until they can't take it anymore]

SpongeBob: I'M SORRY I CALLED YOU A STUPID STAR!!!!!!

Patrick: I'M SORRY I GOT YOU IN TROUBLE, AND GOT YOU MOVED TO THE BACK OF THE CLASS, AND GOT YOUR GOOD NOODLE STAR REMOVED, AND SHOT THE SPITBALLS --

SpongeBob: I'M SORRY YOUR APOLOGY IS SO LONG!!!

Patrick: ME TOO! LET'S SAVE ROGER!!!

Patrick: I thought this was Spanish class! See ya, SpongeBob! See ya, Big Fat Meanie!

Clams [3.13b]

Squidward: Hey, watch where you're swinging that... [SpongeBob casts Squidward's shirt out in the lagoon] SpongeBob, be careful with... [SpongeBob hooks Squidward’s nose]

[The camera cuts to an overhead view of the boat as a loud rip is heard and Squidward screams loudly in pain, then walks up to Mr. Krabs with his nose torn off.]

Squidward: Okay, I've had enough.

Mr. Krabs: [laughs] Oh, Squidward, you got to lighten up. [SpongeBob is still casting out items while Mr. Krabs talks to Squidward] Sure the lad's a bit overeager, but you've got to learn to roll with the punches, go with the flow. And don't bring anything on a boat that you ain't prepared to lose! [laughs. The hook in SpongeBob's fishing rod touches Mr. Krabs millionth dollar. Gasps] Me millionth dollar! [SpongeBob rips Mr. Krabs' pants off and casts his dollar to the lagoon] SpongeBob, wait! SpongeBob, you hooked me millionth dollar on the back swing! Reel it in before I keelhaul ya!

[Ominous orchestral music begins playing. Mr. Krabs' pupils shrink in shock]

Mr. Krabs: Oh, no. SpongeBob, quick, reel it in! Can't you hear the music? That's a 4/4 string ostinato in D minor. Every sailor knows that means death. Hurry, SpongeBob! The music’s getting faster. [opens the door] There you are, you stinking bilge rats. [darts to the trumpeters] STOP PLAYING THAT MUSIC! [to the conductor] STOP IT PLEASE! [to the violinists] I'm begging you! Come on, honey, you can make it! Swim faster! Come to me, baby! Come on back! Hurry, SpongeBob!

SpongeBob: Here she comes. [Mr. Krabs begs. SpongeBob reels the dollar in.] She made it!

Mr. Krabs: [holds up the dollar and cheers] For a second or two, I thought she was a goner!

Mr. Krabs: I see. Then, I guess I have no choice but to offer a reward.

SpongeBob: Squidward, he has lost something near, and dearer at him, haven’t you-

Squidward: Look again.

Mr. Krabs: [Laughs as he plays jumprope with his eyes]

SpongeBob: You’re right. How do we get out of here?

Squidward: If we're real quiet, we can sneak over to the lifeboat.

SpongeBob: Okay. [he and Squidward take a step, but then start screaming as they sprint over to the lifeboat. They jump into it but then come back onto the boat tied up; Mr. Krabs pops his head out of the lifeboat]

Mr. Krabs: [angrily] So, you thought you'd skip out on old Krabs, did ya? Even after you promised to help me. I know what you're thinking. "It's just a dumb old dollar. Let's just leave the old man. He won't notice." [sobs] Well, it's not going down like that. There's only one use for a backstabbing crew like you: [scene cuts to Mr. Krabs hanging his line over the boat. SpongeBob and Squidward are attached to the line] live bait.

Squidward: You're crazy! If that clam didn't come before, what makes you think he'll come now?!

Mr. Krabs: [dressed up as a conductor] Ohh, he'll come. [taps the book using his baton and the doors open up to the live-action orchestra and begins to play the 4/4 string ostinato in D minor; SpongeBob and Squidward shake and scream in terror]

Squidward: Mr. Krabs, listen, I work with SpongeBob all day long, so I know what I'm talking about when I say... [yells] you are completely out of your mind! [Mr. Krabs laughing maniacally while conducting the orchestra. The giant clam emerges above the lagoon coming closer to the two on the line; Squidward screams] Get us out of here!

Mr. Krabs: Come on, fresh meat! [SpongeBob and Squidward scream as they try to wiggle back and forth to avoid the giant clam] Keep thrashing! He likes it! [both continue to scream and bounce up and down really fast] Come on, boy! Closer. Closer. Almost there. [a giant clam shows the dollar on its tongue] That's it! [closes the doors to cause the music to stop. The giant clam stops in mid-air and Mr. Krabs jumps inside it to take the dollar] Aha! Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! Look, boys, I finally got it! [rubs his dollar on himself] I finally got me millionth dollar!

[The cabin doors strangely open by themselves to play the ominous music again. The giant clam closes its mouth, with Mr. Krabs inside, and dives into the lagoon. The cabin doors close as the conductor takes a bow.]

SpongeBob: Oh, poor Mr. Krabs. Gone forever out of our lives. [a tear falls down his cheek] Why couldn't it have been me?!

Squidward: Yes, why couldn't it have been you?! [sobbing]

SpongeBob: Why did he have to go like this, why?! [crying]

Squidward: Why did he have to go like this and leave me tied to this idiot?! [both sob loudly]

Mr. Krabs: Hello, boys! [SpongeBob and Squidward stop sobbing]

SpongeBob and Squidward: Mr. Krabs? [Mr. Krabs' head is above the lagoon]

Mr. Krabs: Have you boys met... [holds his millionth dollar up] ...me millionth dollar? [laughs]

SpongeBob: Wow, how did you get it back?

Mr. Krabs: It wasn't easy. Old Blue Lips is quite the fighter, so, eventually, we settled on a trade.

SpongeBob: What did you give him? [Mr. Krabs jumps back up on the boat, revealing himself as only having a head and left arm]

Mr. Krabs: Nothing important. [laughs. SpongeBob and Squidward look shocked]

Ugh (aka SpongeBob B.C.) [3.14]

Patchy: Like I was saying, prehistoric times were the greatest. It was a simpler time with simpler pleasures. Your clothes always match. [cut to him with a paintbrush] You can draw on the walls and nobody would yell at ya. [holds up a club] It was much easier to hit a baseball. Oh yeah, prehistoric times were the best.

SpongeBob: I have a strange feeling that somewhere a pirate and a parrot are arguing about me...[close up on his scared face] and the parrot is winning!

French Narrator: Hooray. It looks like our prehistoric pals have just discovered fire, but they will soon learn that when you play with fire, you may get burned. Stay tuned. [cut back to Patchy, who is laughing hysterically]

Patchy: I told you prehistoric times were fun! Hey! How's about I teach you kids how a caveman makes a fire with [holds up two sticks] two sticks? [rubs them together] Yeah... Doesn't get any cooler than that, huh? Chalk one up for Patchy! [a "I" is chalked up on the wall below a sign reading "Prehistory"] Rubbing... [he pants. Nothing is happening, and he eventually gives up] I guess this is a type of wood that doesn't burn. [a laser shoots through and lights the two sticks on fire, startling Patchy] Potty! [we see Potty with a laser cannon on his back]

Potty: [squawk] Laser technology. Score one for the future. [cut to the digital screen next to the prehistory chalk labeled "The Future." The score goes from "00" to "01"]

Patchy: Well, I have something that you'll never find in your little [air quotes] future: a real live caveman. Hmm... [the caveman walks in from behind] Hey, there he is! Come on in, big troglodyte fella. Come on… [the caveman is very slowly approaching] You see kids, I found him frozen in a block of ice and then I spent three days thawing him out with my mom's hair dryer. I call him Cavey. [the caveman approaches the camera, and recoils in horror. Patchy chuckles] Isn't he something? It's OK, Cavey. [another "I" is chalked up for "Prehistory"]

Potty: That's nothing, old timer. Make way for the future. [a door swings up and a robot named X-29488 enters the room]

X-29488: Greetings. I am the X-29488. How may I serve you? ["The Future" score goes from "01" to "02"; beat]

Patchy: Where do you keep getting all this stuff!?

Potty: Never you mind, pops. Let's go see what Cavey thinks. [squawks. Cavey slowly approaches the robot, and touches it. The robot's eyes start flashing red. A siren goes off]

X-29488: Attack! Attack! [Cavey starts to run off and the robot gives slow chase, shooting lasers at him. For every shot, "The Future" score keeps going up]

Patchy: Potty! You're ruining me caveman show!

X-29488: Attack! Attack! [the robot continues to shoot lasers. Cut to the exterior, which is rumbling]

French Narrator: Will Patchy ever get control of the special? [cut to SpongeGar, mesmerized by the fire] What will SpongeBob do with fire? [cut to the SpongeBob B.C. screen] Stay tuned to SpongeBob SquarePants B.C. and find out.

[Fade on a black screen. After the commercial break, we cut back to Patchy's cave house, the house still rumbling.]

French Narrator: Welcome back to SpongeBob SquarePants B.C. Sounds like things have gone from bad to worse for Patchy. Let's watch. [inside, the robot is still firing lasers, and Cavey throws a giant rock at him. Patchy is huddled behind the couch. Potty watches with a soda and popcorn]

Potty: [squawk] This is great.

Patchy: Ahoy, glad you're back. [ducks a laser] Let's watch the rest of SpongeBob B.C. while I get things straightened out around here. Whoa! [ducks as a giant rock falls on him. He comes up dazed] Or... maybe not. [collapses. Cut back to the freeze frame of Sponge, Pat, and Squog]

French Narrator: When we last saw our hungry troglodytes, they just discovered fire. How long will it take for them to mess it up? Let's see.

Patchy: Well, Potty, I guess you were right. The future is cool.

Potty: Just when to show you, there's no hard feelings and I got you a present from prehistoric times.

Patchy: Oh, what is it, a new loincloth?

Potty: No.

Patchy: An enlarged forehead?

Potty: No.

Patchy: Oh, what is it?!

[Potty opens the door, revealing a T-rex, which growls at Patchy. Patchy screams, his eyes bugging out, and he runs out. The t-rex gives chase.]

Patchy: POTTY!! [continues screaming as he runs off]

Potty: [watches from the window with popcorn and a soda, squawk] This is great.

[The dinosaur has grabbed Patchy, who screams. Patchy is on his side, his feet inside the t-rex's jaws]

Patchy: [screaming, then stops] Well, thanks for watching SpongeBob B.C., kids. Bye! [continues screaming, then laughing] Now he's tickling! Cut it out, you rascal! [continues laughing]

Episode 15

The Great Snail Race [3.15a]

Squidward: Snelly's a purebred.

Patrick: Wow, a snail made out of bread.

SpongeBob: Are you thinking what I'm thinking? [Gary imagines himself watching TV] No, no, no! I'm thinking about entering you in that race and beating Squidward's snail! [SpongeBob runs off. He then returns, wearing a coach's outfit] Looks like we're going to start our training now, ladies! [laughs] I call you a lady to humiliate and demean you. It's a motivational tool we coaches use. [scene cuts to Sandy walking down the street]

Sandy: Hmm... I don't know why, but I think I'll kick him in the butt tomorrow.

Announcer: Oh, looks like number 7 has a blowout! [Gary's other eye explodes] Oops, make that two, folks.

SpongeBob: Uhh, Gary?

[Gary's shell breaks, showing a machine inside]

Announcer:: Plus, a blown head gasket! Oh, and the poor creature's still going for it.

SpongeBob: [getting worried] Umm, Gary, you can stop now!

[Gary is leaving skid marks on the track]

Announcer: He's losing control!

[Gary is running into the walls, making a bunch of sparks]

SpongeBob: You can take a break now if you want to, Gary!

[Gary is spinning on the track]

Announcer: He's spinning out of control! [crowd gasps] He's heading straight for the wall!

[Gary runs into a wall of tires and explodes. The crowd gasps again, then they cheer]

SpongeBob: No! [two firemen come up and extinguish the smoke. Squidward laughs] Hold on, Gary, I'm coming! [runs onto the track]

Announcer: Whoa. One of the coaches seems to have raced onto the track. That is an automatic disqualification. Looks like number six has this race all wrapped up, ladies and gentlemen.

[Snellie is coming up on the finish line]

Squidward: Come on, Snellie, it's all you, baby!

SpongeBob: [runs up to Gary, crying] Oh, Gary, I'm sorry! Why didn't you just say I was pushing it too hard?!?!

Gary: Meow.

SpongeBob: You did? [cries more] Oh, Gary, why didn't you tell me I wasn't listening?!

Gary: Meow.

SpongeBob: You did? [cries some more] Oh, Gary! Oh, Gary!

Squidward: I can't believe it. My purebred, which cost me $1,700, lost to a rock. [Patrick walks over with the trophy he won]

Patrick: Don't worry, Squidward, I know how much you wanted to win, so I had the trophy engraved to you.

Squidward: Gosh, Patrick, thanks. [reads the engraving] The 1st Place Snail Racing Cup Presented to Squidward... [we see the engraving and the camera zooms in on Squidward's misspelled last name] ...TORTELLINI?! Will I ever win? [he, SpongeBob, and Patrick laugh. Sandy comes on-screen and kicks SpongeBob in the air. He and Patrick stop laughing]

Sandy: [angrily] That's for yesterday, SquarePants!

Mid-Life Crustacean [3.15b]

Mr. Krabs: We used to beat people up for saying things like that. Everything's all topsy-turvy now.

Mr. Krabs: You guys wouldn't know a good time if it bit you in the aft! I'm going home! You guys ain't cool, you're lame!!

SpongeBob: [gasps] Lame?

Mr. Krabs: Lame! You're nerds, geeks, creeps and babies.

SpongeBob and Patrick: Not 'babies.' [suck their thumbs]

Mr. Krabs: I may be old, but even an old bag of shells like me knows that you haven't suggested one cool thing all night. So good night to ya. [starts to leave]

Patrick: I guess you're gonna miss the panty raid.

Mr. Krabs: The what?

Patrick: I said I guess you're gonna miss the panty raid.

Mr. Krabs: Panty raid? [walks back to them] You're talkin' about girls, right? [pause] Girl girls?

Patrick: Yeah.

Mr. Krabs: And you're talking about raiding their dressers...for their underpants, right?

Patrick: Oh, yeah.

Mr. Krabs: Well, count me in. If this works, I'll take back what I said about you two bein' lame.

SpongeBob and Patrick: Not lame!

Episode 16

Born Again Krabs (featuring Brian Doyle-Murray) [3.16a]

SpongeBob: Wait just a burger-flipping second!

The Flying Dutchman: [turns around angrily] Who dares back-sass the Flying Dutchman?!?!

SpongeBob: That would be me: SpongeBob BacksassPants. I say you got the wrong crab. This Mr. Krabs is the most generous, big-hearted, non-skinflinted crab in the whole sea. [While SpongeBob speaks, Mr. Krabs is happy at SpongeBob's words]

The Flying Dutchman: He'd sell your soul for a couple of bucks.

SpongeBob: I'd bet my soul he wouldn't.

The Flying Dutchman: You got yourself a bet. [to Mr. Krabs] Okay, Krabs, I'll let you stay, but first, help me settle a bet. If you had to choose between SpongeBob and all the money I have in my pocket, which would you take?

Mr. Krabs: That depends. How much money we talking about?

SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs!

The Flying Dutchman: [shows some coins] 62 cents.

Mr. Krabs: I'll take the money.

SpongeBob: MR. KRABS!!!!!

The Flying Dutchman: Here you go, Krabs. 62 cents. [hands him the change and picks up SpongeBob] Next stop: Davy Jones' locker! [SpongeBob screams as they both disappear]

Mr. Krabs: [runs to Squidward, happy] Look, Squidward, money!

Squidward: Mr. Krabs, I can't believe I'm saying this, but how could you trade SpongeBob for 62 cents!!??

Mr. Krabs: You think I could've gotten more?

Squidward: He stuck up for you, and you sold him out. YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!!!

Mr. Krabs: [about to eat a nasty patty when suddenly the ambulance comes by.] Oh look! An ambulance. Now then... [bites it.]

[cut to the moaning and green Mr. Krabs on gurney being wheeled into hospital, suffering from food poisoning.]

Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob?

Spongebob: Yes, Mr Krabs?

Mr.Krabs: Make sure you wrap up that patty, I'm not finished with it yet!!!

I Had an Accident (featuring Frank Welker) [3.16b]

SpongeBob: Hey, Sandy. Watch me do the Grouchy Squidward.

Squidward: Stop naming moves after me.

SpongeBob: [imitating Squidward] Everyone's an idiot except for me.

Squidward: Well, it's true. [drinks tea]

Sandy: That is it, SquarePants! We're gonna find you something that's so dang fun that you'll have to come outside.

Sandy: Trampoline!

Patrick: Ice cream!

Sandy: Underwater surfing!

Patrick: Two ice creams!

Sandy: Ferris wheel!

Patrick: [the two ice creams are now melting] Still two ice creams!

Sandy: Clam wrestling!

Patrick: [washes an old man in a tub] Washing an old person!

Sandy: Patrick, that's not fun!

Old Man: It is for me!

SpongeBob: (breathing differently as before)

Sandy: Nothing's working, Pat!

Patrick: What do we do now?

Old Man: I say we take a bath!

Sandy: What the-? Would you get outta here?

SpongeBob: Is it too late to go back inside yet? [the gorilla rips SpongeBob in half] It's too late. [the gorilla screeches] Patrick? Sandy?

Patrick and Sandy: [still in the bag] Yes, SpongeBob?

SpongeBob: I'm sorry I caused all this. I'm not scared of going outside anymore. [eye shrinks] But I'm terrified of gorillas now.

Sandy: [shaken] Ah, that's okay, SpongeBob. Us too.

SpongeBob: You know what I don't understand though?

SpongeBob's Other Half: What?

SpongeBob: What's a gorilla doing underwater in the first place?

Gorilla: [eyes widen once he realizes; man's voice] Oh! Well, it's funny you should, I mean, you see, George, they're on to us!

George the Zebra: [rushes to the screen] Let's get outta here!

[The gorilla gets on George and rides away with him. Patrick, Sandy, and the two halves of SpongeBob are watching the gorilla ride on George into the sunset. Text reads: The End. The screen zooms out to reveal a live-action family watching the episode on TV in confusion. The father turns to the mother and gives her a confused look. He shakes his head, and eventually turns off the TV]

Episode 17

Krabby Land [3.17a]

SpongeBob: Gee, I wonder what Mr. Krabs has been up to since I saw him last and then went home to do nothing of particular interest 'til this very moment'.

SpongeBob: You said you would bring Krabby the Clown. But all I saw out there was...Cheapy the Cheapskate.

Mr. Krabs: Hey, I ain't cheap. [rubs the clown nose on his shirt, which turns red] Now, take this tomato back in the kitchen before it spoils.

SpongeBob: But what about the true meaning of summer? What about the children?

Mr. Krabs: [walks to the window] The children? I don't care about the children. [starts to climb out the window] I just care about their parents' money. Ah, the fact that their feeble minds are easily manipulated by cheap playgrounds and talentless clowns is no skin off my nose. [climbs out] Survival of the fittest, SpongeBob. Survival of the fittest. [laughs]

Kid: Ahem.

Mr. Krabs: Huh? [the children are standing behind him] Oh, hey kids. [smiles nervously] Uh... Uncle Krabs has to go to the bank now. Heh.

Monroe: Get him! [all the kids run after him]

The Camping Episode [3.19b]

Squidward: Well, I've worked up an appetite as big as all outdoors. Time for a little grub. I suppose you two are going to stew up some twigs and rocks.

SpongeBob: Nope, we've got something even better! Marshmallows! [holds up a bag of marshmallows, takes one and eats it] Mmm-mmm! Just like the astronauts eat!

Squidward: Are you crazy?! A dirt circle won't stop that monster! I'm running for my life! [does so]

SpongeBob and Patrick: NO!