[We see an Robin symbol and the camera reveals a wounded Robin as the Joker knocks him across the face with a crowbar] Wow. That looked like it really hurt. [Hits him three more times] Whoa, now, hang on. That looked like it hurt a lot more. So, let's try and clear this up, okay, pumpkin? What hurts more? A? [hits him again] Or B? [hits him again] Forehand? [hits him again] Or backhand? [hits him again, and laughs. Robin then mumbles something, and Joker leans in, imitating the noise] A little louder, lamb chop. I think you may have a collapsed lung. That always impedes the oratory. [Robin spits in his face; Joker slams his head into the ground] Now, that was rude! The first Boy Blunder had some manners. [Robin grins at him as he wipes the blood away] I suppose I'm going to have to teach you a lesson so you can better follow in his footsteps. [pause] Nah. I'm just gonna keep beating you with this crowbar. [Joker laughs as he continues beating Robin]
[after finishing beating Robin] Okay, kiddo, I gotta go. It's been fun, though, right? [silence from Robin] Well, maybe a smidge more fun for me than you. I'm just guessing since you're being awful quiet. Anyway, be a good boy, finish your homework, and be in bed by nine. And, hey, please tell the big man I said..."hello". [laughs hysterically]
[tossed to the floor in an apartment in Crime Alley, after being captured by Red Hood] So, what's the plan? Slumber party? Charades? A little Truth or Dare? Yes! I'll start with "dare"! [Red Hood unzips his gym bag and pulls out a crowbar] Or maybe I'll just go with "truth"...
[The Red Hood has just crashed a meeting between Gotham City's top drug dealers]
Leon: YOU WANNA DIE? There's easier ways to kill yourself!
Red Hood: Yeah, like yelling at the guy who's holding the AK-47.
Bobo: Okay, crazy man, this is all very generous. But why in the hell should we listen to you?
[Red Hood drops a duffel bag of human heads. A man opens the bag. Another pukes]
Red Hood: Those are the heads of all of your lieutenants. That took me two hours. You wanna see what I get done in a whole evening? Make no mistake. I'm not asking you to cut in with me. I'm telling you. [fires machine gun at table, then disappears]
Nightwing: But he is locked up, like a lot locked up. Maybe we should go for a visit.
[Looks over to where Bruce was just sitting to see him gone]
Nightwing: Could you just once say 'Let's get in the car'? Is that so hard?
[Batman and Nightwing are interrogating the Joker in Arkham]
The Joker: [to Batman] You look good. Been working out? You could probably use a little sun... then again, who am I to talk? [laughs]
Batman: [showing the Joker a photo of the Red Hood] He's calling himself the Red Hood. What do you know about it?
The Joker: That he has horrible taste! When I wore that number, it was classy — more flashy maitre d' than motorcycle fetish. Oh, these kids today...
Nightwing: If you're behind this in any way, we will find out. You're not...
The Joker: Oh, Bird Boy, you're so much less fun now! All grown up and in your big-boy pants. [maliciously] Still, better off than his replacement, right? Even tougher making with the yuks when you're worm food...
[Angered, Batman slams him against the wall, grasping him by the throat]
The Joker: [smiles cruelly] You gonna do it this time, or are you just gonna put me in another body cast for six months?
[Batman hesitates for a moment, and finally throws him to the ground]
The Joker: So... disappointing. But, back to the matter at hand: this new Hoodie. Do you really think I would stir up so much trouble and not make sure you knew it was me? [laughs maniacally]
Nightwing: [about the Red Hood] He's got some moves, huh? And as much I hate to belabor a point...
Alfred Pennyworth: And still that is often exactly what you do.
Nightwing: I'm chatty. It's part of my charm.
[Nightwing has been injured]
Batman: Alfred, take him home.
Nightwing: I can help.
Batman: You already have. Thank you.
Nightwing: Alright, but you know where to find me if you need me. [to Alfred] He did just... thank me, didn't he?
Alfred: Indeed he did, sir.
Black Mask: Maybe my last request was too mired in subtlety. I want this man dead. When I say "dead", I mean seriously dead! Beaten...broken...his-head-mounted-on-my-wall kind of dead!
Ms. Li: Understood. We'll be taking further precautions at every transaction...
Black Mask: SCREW THAT! It's time he learns that this is a contact sport. We're going on offense. Rough up his business. Something big, something loud! When he shows up to shut us down, have a party waiting for him... and when I say "party", I actually mean A WHOLE LOT OF PEOPLE WHO ARE GONNA KILL HIM!
Ms. Li: I figured.
Black Mask: Just being clear.
Red Hood: What the hell took you so long?
Batman: Shut up and fight.
Red Hood: Just be happy I only killed one of them. They're all assassins.
Batman: And what are you?
Red Hood: I'm cleaning up Gotham. More than you ever did.
Batman: You're stealing territory from Black Mask and killing anyone who gets in your way.
Red Hood: Black Mask is just a part of the plan.
Batman: Plan? You're becoming a crime lord.
Red Hood: Yes. You can't stop crime. That's what you never understood. I'm controlling it. You wanna rule them by fear. But what do you do with the ones who aren't afraid? I'm doing what you won't, I'm taking them out!
Batman: Tell me what happened to you. Let me help.
Red Hood: It's too late. You had your chance. And I'm just getting started.
Batman: [about Jason] Do you remember how he was when I found him?
Alfred: Of course, sir. Fearless, arrogant, brash and gifted.
Batman: Yes. Different than Dick in so many ways, but still full of potential and power. But I knew, even from the beginning, he was dangerous. If I hadn't made him into Robin, he would have grown to do wrong. Then I got him killed. My partner. My soldier. My fault. I own that. I'll carry that like everything else. But now there's this. He's taken everything I've ever taught him and turned it on me. It's a hell of my making, Alfred.
Alfred: Sir, this is not your doing. You loved him. He knows that. It should be enough.
Batman: It's not.
[Black Mask is holding a meeting with the Joker at Arkham]
Black Mask: I hope you understand the trouble I've gone through to arrange this little...get-together here. A lot of money. A lot of... dead meat.
[The Joker remains silent, munching on potato chips]
Black Mask: Look, I've got a problem, and you are absolutely the man who possesses the gifts to take care of this problem. I need you to murder the Red Hood. Think you can handle that?
[The Joker is quiet for a minute, and coughs]
The Joker: May I have some water?
[One of Black Mask's goons hands the Joker a glass of water; the Joker promptly breaks the glass and kills the goon with it. He takes the dead man's gun and shoots all but Black Mask and Ms. Li. He then points the gun at Black Mask, laughing]
The Joker: I'm going to need...something to wear. And a very big truck.
Black Mask: Sure. Anything else?
The Joker: I'll need some guys. [pauses] Not these guys, because, well, they're kinda dead. [laughs maniacally]
[In the middle of traffic on the Gotham Bay Bridge, police helicopters shining their spotlights on him, the Joker stands atop a toppled truck trailer, bowing theatrically to the SWAT teams surrounding him. Inside the trailer are the former crime lords intimidated by Red Hood.]
The Joker: [singing] I'm a little teapot, short and stout... [pouring gasoline into the trailer] Here is my handle, here is my spout...
[The Joker drops the remainder of the gas can inside the trailer, revealing that both Black Mask and Ms. Li are both inside as well.]
Black Mask: This wasn't part of the damn deal, you freak! Get me outta here! Right now!
The Joker: I thought you'd enjoy seeing some old faces. After all, most of these guys used to work for you.
[As the Joker pulls out a lighter and tries to light him, something catches the attention of the police...]
Commissioner Gordon: What's that? Get a light on him! Up there!
[The Joker looks up to see the lights shining on the Red Hood, standing on one of the bridge's towers.]
The Joker: Heeeey, look at you! Mr. Hood - or do you prefer Red? You know, I used to wear an outfit a lot like that. Mine was a lot more flashy maitre d' than motorcycle fetish. You kids today! [flicks the lighter] I'm sorry, could you hold on? I was just in the middle of setting fire to your gang.
Red Hood: Go ahead. You think I care if that scum dies?
The Joker: Don't know. I just wanted your attention.
Red Hood: You've always had my attention. But what I really wanted was an audience with you.
The Joker: I'm sorry, that seems to imply that you organized this little clambake.
Red Hood: I did. Sure, I had lots of plans, but the endgame was getting Black Mask so desperate that he'd cut a deal. He was the only one with the connections to get into Arkham and get you out.
Black Mask: [to himself, as he listens to the exchange above] You can't... trust... anybody.
The Joker: So, I've been bamboozled. [deadpan] Oh, my.
Red Hood: I wouldn't undersell it. It took a lot of work to bring about our reunion.
The Joker: "Reunion"? Have we met before?
Red Hood: Yes... we have.
The Joker: Well... here's to warm memories! [finally ignites the lighter and tosses it into the trailer, setting it ablaze]
Jason Todd: [knocks Joker with a crowbar] Tell me, how does that feel?
The Joker: [coughing painfully] You know, it only hurts when I laugh. But hey... I gotta know: Who are you? You said we knew one another. You do seem really familiar. We double at the prom? Or maybe blow up a school bus together?
Red Hood: No. I'm just something you helped make.
The Joker: That's pretty cryptic... but interesting. Tell me more!
Red Hood: Sure. Listen up. [continues beating Joker with the crowbar]
Jason Todd: Is that what you think this is about? You letting me die? I don't know what clouds your judgement worse, your guilt or your antiquated sense of morality. Bruce, I forgive you for not saving me. But why... why on God's earth... [smashes closet door open to reveal the Joker, bloodied and tied to a chair] ...is he still alive?!
[The Joker awakes and looks at both Jason and Batman, and then starts to laugh as he bounces over in the chair]
Joker: Gotta give the boy points! He came all the way back from the dead to make this shindig happen! So, who's got a camera? Ooh! Ooh! Get one of me and the kid first. Then you and me, then the three of us. And then one with the crowbar! Then…
Jason Todd: [knocking the Joker down and holding a gun to his head] You'll be as quiet as possible, or I'll put one in your lap first.
Joker: Party pooper. No cake for you!
Jason Todd: [to Batman] Ignoring what he's done in the past. Blindly, stupidly disregarding the entire graveyards he's filled, the thousands who have suffered, the friends he's crippled. You know, I thought... I thought I'd be the last person you'd ever let him hurt. If it had been you that he beat to a bloody pulp, if he had taken you from this world, I would've done nothing but search the planet for this pathetic pile of evil, death-worshiping garbage and then send him off to hell!
Batman: You don't understand. I don't think you've ever understood.
Jason Todd: What? What, your moral code just won't allow for that? It's too hard to cross that line?
Batman: No! God Almighty, no! It'd be too damned easy. All I've ever wanted to do is kill him. A day doesn't go by when I don't think about subjecting him to every horrendous torture he's dealt out to others and then... end him.
Joker: Awwww! So you do think about me.
Batman: But if I do that, if I allow myself to go down into that place, I'll never come back.
Jason Todd: Why? I'm not talking about killing Penguin or Scarecrow or Dent. I'm talking about him. Just him. And doing it because... Because he took me away from you.
Batman: I can't. I'm sorry.
The Joker: That is so sweet!
Jason: Well, you won't have any choice. [Throws Batman a second gun]
Batman: I won't...
Jason: This is what it's all been about. This! You, me, him! Now is the time you decide! If you won't kill this psychotic piece of filth, I will! If you want to stop me, you're going to have to kill me!
Batman: You know I won't...
Jason: I'm going to blow his deranged brains out! And if you want to stop it, you are going to have to shoot me, right in my face!
The Joker: This is turning out even better than I'd hoped.
[Batman drops the gun]
Jason: It's him, or me! You have to decide! Decide, NOW! DO IT! HIM, OR ME! DECIDE! [points a gun at Batman]
[Batman, having refused to shoot either the Joker or Jason, has thrown a batarang into Jason's gun barrel, thus causing it to backfire and disarming Jason.]
Joker:[begins laughing maniacally] I can't believe you got him! You expert, rootin'-tootin', eagle-eyed, Goth-loving marksman! I love it! You managed to find a way to win, and everybody still loses! [laughs]
[Jason presses a detonator that trigger a pile of explosives in the fire place. Batman spots them and rushes to disarm them.]
Joker: [grabs Batman from defusing the bomb]NO! Don't spoil it! This is better! I'm the only one who's gonna to get what he wants tonight! Yes! Big bang boom! We all go out together! Don't you just love a happy ending?! [Begins laughing until Batman punches him out cold. Attempts to grab Jason and escape, but the detonator goes off. Batman fruitlessly searches for Jason but finds nothing.]
[Batman stares sadly at Jason's old Robin uniform]
Alfred: Sir, in light of all that's happened... do you want me to take it down?
Batman: No. This doesn't change anything. [quietly, to himself] It doesn't change anything at all.