Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law

Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law is an American adult animated sitcom that aired on Adult Swim.

Season 1

"Bannon Custody Battle"

Dr. Quest: Well, I've got a rather serious problem. You see my longtime partner is challenging me for custody of my boys.

Harvey: How long has she-

Dr. Quest: He

[Avenger and Harvey freeze, and their eyes widen.]

Dr. Benton Quest: He's my traveling companion. We go on adventures together in steamy jungles and the like.

---

Dr. Quest: Since I know he'll never do it himself, I'm gonna step right up and toot Mr. Birdman's horn.

[Harvey backs up, uncomfortable]

Dr. Quest: Way to go, Harvey.

[Bandit barks, and is picked up by a swooping Avenger]

Dr. Quest: You too Bandit.

[Everybody laughs. Dr. Quest pats Harvey's butt and he stops.]

"Very Personal Injury"

[Apache Chief walks into a Javalux, out of view of the audience]

Apache Chief: Coffee please

Javalux Employee: All right. That'll be $1.87. [pause] Sorry, Chief. No credit cards. It seems some idiot ripped our telephone pole out of the ground.

Apache Chief: Oh, I... I think I have change.

[coffee spills]

Apache Chief: Ah! My lap!

---

Apache Chief: Well I saved the town the other day.. and anyway, I saved the town. And anyway, afterwards I thought, "Man, a.. a coffee would be nice." But I spilled it on my... lap

Harvey: Uh-huh.

Apache Chief: And, wow, it was hot... on my lap.

Harvey: I'll bet.

Apache Chief: Hotness. Crotch. Ouch.

Harvey: Yeah, I... ohhhh! Are you trying to say...?

Apache Chief: I... can no longer... enlarge.

Harvey: Ugh!

[crosses his legs and winces a few moments]

Harvey: Ugh! Let's all go to the mountains! Oh! [composes himself] I'll take the case!... Not even first thing in the morning? You know... little neeneeneeneeneey?

" Shaggy Busted"

[Music, laughter]

Shaggy: [to Scooby] Will you be cool?

Officer: Turn the music off, please.

Shaggy: Sure thing officer.

Officer: Where you headed tonight?

Shaggy: Like there’s this green monster, officer, sneaking around at the old cotton mill, we’re headed out there to meet the gang and, like, try to catch it. [Laughs]

Officer: A green monster?

Shaggy: [Laughs] Yeah! A real fattie man.

Officer: Uh, you were driving a little erratic back there.

Scooby: [Shaggy laughing] reah, rokay.

Officer: Just step out of the van please.

Shaggy: Punch it! [starts driving away, officer starts shooting]

---

[A candidate for the clerk position enters Harvey's office]

Harvey: Take a seat.

Peanut: Is that your bird? Can I touch it? [whispering] Does it bite?

Harvey: How 'bout we start with your name?

Peanut: Peanut.

Harvey: Uh-huh. So your last job was at, um, I don't see anything listed.

Peanut: Um, I used to work at a baltimization plant.

Harvey: Baltimization?

Peanut: Oh, yeah. You see, the Japanese claim it increases sexual potency tenfold. They call it "paw-paw-paw-zaaaaah".

Harvey: Really?

Peanut: Mmm. You know.

Harvey: Mm.. Mhmmm... [writes it down] Well, you quit that job?

Peanut: Actually, I believe I was fired from that job.

Harvey: Oh?

Peanut: Well, there was the murder of a supervisor. Nothing proven. I just thought it was better to move on.

"Death By Chocolate"

Harvey: So Myron, there's one thing I can't figure out. You prosecuting for the government?

Reducto: That's right, Birdman, yell it nice and loud.

Harvey: What?

Reducto: I'm not prosecuting.

Harvey: Oh my God, am I supposed to be prosecuting?

Reducto: Not for the government at least. Look, that man over there.

Harvey: Hm. The jukebox?

Reducto: No! [pulls out a complicated schematic] There is no government, just a few multi-national corporations that run everything.

[The words "An AOL/Time Warner Co." appear on the bar's sign.]

Harvey: Myron, Myron!

Reducto: The bear's a threat to the new world order, Birdman. Soon there will be one worldwide currency-

[The bartender walks over]

Reducto: [Falling out of his chair] AHH!!! I'll make you fun-size!

Harvey: One currency? [laughs]

Bartender: Your tab.

Harvey: Right. [counting money] One euro. Two euro.

---

Harvey: Mr. Boo Boo, would you consider yourself a revolutionary?

Boo Boo: Well, no. But I do believe corporations rob us of our dignity and independence, and that these systems must be ripped down, burnt down, or leveled by any force necessary... but that's just one little bear's opinion.

Harvey: A cute, fuzzy little bear. [smiles at jury] The defense rests.

"Shoyu Weenie"

Phil: Now close your eyes and fall back. I’m right behind you.

Harvey: When I was in junior high school, we did a trust fall at a ropes course and dropped the first girl

Phil: That's it. Let me cradle you.

Harvey: She landed flat on her back

Phil: Did you ever know that you're my hero?

Harvey: And then everyone started laughing because she was fat.

Phil: Fall you bastard!

---

Harvey: So, you are a musical group correct?

Neptunes: Sure!

Jabberjaw: ... Nyuk nyuk nyuk!

Mentok: Oh for God's sakes...you, the shark. No more from you today, okay?

Harvey: Who writes your music?

Neptunes member: Someone with something yummy in his tummy?

Mentok: [to stenographer] Those guys over there, they're gonna lose this one. Pretty sure of it. No, I know it.

Harvey: And before you answer this next question, let me remind you that you swore [pulls out a giant Bible] ON A BIBLE to tell the truth here today. [throws it away] So, tell us [points above] AND GOD, where the song 'Lovely Lovely' came from? HE'D like to know.

Neptunes member: Uh, we don't know.

Harvey: Nothing further.

"The Dabba Don"

Phil Ken Sebben: Do you know what this means to the firm?! The billable hours?! I can finally build that lake house, and I'll run around naked all day. Ha ha... dangly parts.

---

Harvey Birdman: Who are you?

Fred Flintstone: I told ya I'm Frond Fernstone, Botanist and....

[Peanut hits Fred with a large mallet]

Harvey Birdman: Who are you?

Fred Flintstone: Bird Flintmock, rodeo rider....

[Peanut hits Fred with a large mallet]

Fred Flintstone: I'm Anne Heche.

[Peanut hits Fred with twice a large mallet]

Fred Flintstone: Wilma, Honey what's going on?

Pebbles: Dada! Dada!

"Deadomutt, Part 1"

Falcón: Gracias.

Phil: Ha ha... sissy European lisp thingy.

---

Phil: [Looking at Falcón]: I think I can safely say that Blue brings something to the firm we didn't have before. [Looks at Harvey Birdman]. Not this. This is something here before NOT we have.

"Deadomutt, Part 2"

Harvey: Step off, Holmes!

Peanut: Oh, I was trying, just trying to talk about your tattoo.

Harvey: You wouldn't last two minutes in my world!

---

Harvey: 12 Jurors. 1 Judge. 1/2 a chance

"X, the Eliminator"

Phil: I need your...uh, help.

Harvey: Really.

Phil: On my way to work I hit a guy...

Harvey: Oh, that doesn't seem so bad.

Phil: ...every day this week.

Harvey: Oh... any witnesses?

Phil:: Some kids.

Harvey: Nobody believes kids!

Phil: And a nun.

Harvey: Nobody believes nuns!

Phil: Someone's suing Phil Ken Sebben, dammit!

Harvey: I'll take the case.

Phil: And if we lose it's you and me, Birdman, against the world.

Harvey: YES!

Phil: Two heavily armed men in a bunker fighting extradition.

Harvey: Oh.

---

X, The Eliminator: Yes, it is I; X, the Eliminator, and only I can rid you of this scourge; Birdman.

FEAR Member 1: What is your price?

X, The Eliminator: One million dollars

FEAR Member: It is agreed; we will give you the money, and in exchange you will bring us the crest of Birdman

X, The Eliminator: ....thats it? for that amount of money I thought I'd have to.. well, y'know; kill him.

FEAR Member 1: Oh, God no.

FEAR Member 2: What are you? Crazy?

Season 2

"Blackwatch Plaid"

Phil: Everyone get in here! [everyone is instantly in Phil's office] Who can tell me what's different about my office?

Peanut: You hid the interns?

Phil: Everything's gone! I leave last night with everything right where it's supposed to be, [scene wipes to a flashback of the office looking exactly the same as it does now] then I come back this morning and everything's missing. The baby grand piano that was right there... gone!

Harvey: [thinking] There was never a piano there.

Phil: Yes there was, Birdman! You can still see the dimples in the carpet where it stood... next to the 14-foot-high golden Buddha.

Harvey: [thinking] There was never a 14-foot-high golden--

Phil: Keep your thoughts to yourself, Birdman! Don't you understand? I'm a victim! God, I feel so unclean! Tell you what... I'm going to cover my eye and whoever stole the items in question can just put them back and I won't ask any questions. [covers his eye patch] OK, I'm not looking! Can't see a thing! Nine-alligator, ten-alligator, ready or not, here I come! Ha ha ha... I wish! Well the Buddha is back, BUT THE BABY GRAND IS STILL MISSING! So, while I consider myself to be a benevolent...-ish dictator, I have no choice but to introduce a battery of oppressive security measures. Frisking! Cavity searches! This easy-to-understand color-coded crime alert system! And for everyone's safety and security, and to preserve our way of life, I'm taking a drastic step and putting up a security camera. Just one... for safety, security, and omniscient, unblinking information gathering of everyone's activities.

---

Reducto: Every conversation is scanned for key words. Here, give me your phone, I'll show you.

Harvey: Umm...

Reducto: Hello. Mail bomb.

Harvey: Uh, heh... um...

Reducto: Assassination.

Harvey: Hey, can I have that back? I just remembered...

Reducto: Fertilizer.

Harvey: ...I'm almost out of minutes.

Reducto: Same-sex marriages. Patagonia. Nader for President.

Harvey: See, nothing happened. Nobody's monitoring these things!

Phil: [overlooking them] Huh, I always took Reducto for a libertarian.

"Trio's Company"

Inch-High, Private Eye: [has just been enlarged to a normal-sized human being] Be right back!

[Cut to Inch-High in line at an amusement park with a sign reading, "you must be this tall to ride"]

Inch-High, Private Eye: Again.

Amusement park worker: Please step onto the ride, sir.

Inch-High, Private Eye: I'm sorry, what?

Amusement park worker: Get on the ride, sir.

Inch-High, Private Eye: Again.

Inch-High, Private Eye: [Back in the courthouse with a giant stuffed bunny] As I was saying...

---

Gigi: [emerging from under Phil's desk] I found it!

Phil: You sure did!

Harvey: Ha, aha...

Phil: Multiple entendre.

Gigi: Gotta run. Oh... [kisses Harvey on wing] See you at home, hun!

Harvey: Do you mind telling me what she was looking for?

Phil: Your desk lamp. Here.

Potamus: [emerging from under Phil's desk] Is he gone?

"The Devlin Made Me Do It"

Devlin: Ever hear of "imitatable acts"?

Harvey: Oh, great movie! Eszterhas.

---

Harvey: [after failing to get an injured boy to physically react to certain things] You said you saw him scratch his nose!

Peanut: Yes! When they were prying him off his little wheelchair, he was all [whines and swats the air like a sissy]

"High Speed Buggy Chase"

Harvey: So sorry we couldn't help you, but again, making your will after you're dead is pretty much frowned-upon. It's a legal thing.

Funky Phantom: That's not what the Founding Fathers intended. I know, I was there! You lawyers are screwing up this whole country!

Harvey: [laughs] We're trying.

Funky Phantom: And how do ya think they'd react to pornography? Or naked pictures even?

Peanut: Well, I'm guessin' George Washington would've had more wood than just his teeth.

---

Phil: [regarding Avenger's replacement: a finch] What do you mean, he's not a good typist?

Harvey: Well, for one, he's too light, he can't push the keys down.

Phil:You know what he needs? A mate. Finches are sad without mates; they won't type without them.

Harvey: Plus, I don't think he understands English.

Phil: Maybe I got a European Goldfinch by mistake. Crap!

Harvey: [now has a white stain on his shoulder]

Phil: Nope! I think he understands plenty!

"SPF"

Debbie (over intercom): A, ah, [clears throat] Mr. Ding-a-ling here to see you.

[Harvey, Peanut, and Avenger laugh.]

Harvey: [Greeting Ding-a-ling] Mr. Ding-a-ling!

Mightor: [On a golf course, waving a club] Ha-ha-ha, deedle-deedle-dee.

Ding-a-ling: Gee whizzes, Mr. Birdman, something awful's happened. I went to register my name, because I wanna do a web site for all my fans...

[Harvey, Peanut, and Avenger laugh again.]

Ding-a-ling: ...and this is what came up. It's pictures, dirty pictures!

Peanut: You think you got it bad? You should see what Tweetypie-dot-org looks like. Hee hee, yeah, "I tawt I taw a puddy... tat."

---

Peanut: Bling-bling. Who's there? Oh, it's Peanut's money!

Harvey: It didn't last as long this time.

Peanut: Yeah, Harvey. We're gonna have to move you up to the good stuff...the French Stuff.

Harvey: Gimme the French Stuff.

Peanut: Oh, you gotta pay more for the stuff en francais, playa!

Harvey: OK OK OK! How much?

Peanut: You know Harv, I've always admired the view from your apartment.

Harvey: [tosses Peanut his apartment keys] Enjoy!

Peanut: And lunch money.

Harvey: But I'm out of money! Avenger wanted a cheeseburger, and....

Peanut: You know, I know this 39-year-old bodybuilder. Still amateur. He's got a powerful taste for the French Stuff. I could give him a call.

Harvey: Money. Money. I'll get the money!

[Harvey is now posing as a prostitute in drag. A "potential client" pulls up. After seeing Harvey, the man drives off]

Harvey: Keep driving, slick! Keep driving!

[The man takes Magilla Gorilla, also a prostitute in drag]

"Back to the Present"

Jane: Hard day at the button, dear?.

George: Oh, it was brutal...brutal! I had to push the button on and off five times. That Spacely's a slavedriver.

---

Priest:[in the year 4063 A.P., everyone is worshiping potamus] I got that THING, he sent me!

"Grape Juiced"

Harvey: Pleased to meet your Mr. ...

[Laff-a-Lympics committee member grabs Harvey's stapler, putting it in his pocket]

Harvey: My stapler seems to have fallen into your...

Phil: Ixnay on the aplerstay, okay... ay? This is the big time, Laff-a-Lympics, Birdman.

---

Doctor: [With tranquilizer dart in his neck.] It says here that the father of Gigi's baby is... GRAPE APE!!!

Peanut: Hey, don't you need a blood test to [Gets a tranquilizer dart in his neck.]

[Harvey and M!!!Butu sit down; M!!!Butu has a blow dart gun.]

Harvey: Thank you.

Doctor: It also says that the team who won the finals is...IT'S DALLAS!!!

[Phil with two monk like men.]

Phil: CANNIBALS!!

"Peanut Puberty"

Phil: I'd like to welcome you all to the bi-annual... Ha ha ha! Bi! Sebben & Sebben Board of Director's meeting.

---

Phil: [opens the door for Doggy Daddy]

Doggy Daddy: Just tell me what you want me to do.

Phil: [stands there silently]

Doggy Daddy: [tries to go through the door, and Phil slams it on his muzzle.]

"Gone Efficien...t"

Phil: Birdman, this is Dvd, our new efficiency expert.

Harvey: Interesting name. Norweg...?

Dvd: Was "David". I eliminated the vowels to save time.

Phil: Brllnt!

---

[Klaxons sound as Harvey tries to obtain more bathroom tissue]

Phil: [over the PA] Attention employee! Attention employee! It is against Sebben & Sebben regulations to tamper with or disable toilet paper dispensers in the lavatories! You are allotted one sheet of tissue per visit.

Harvey: One sheet?!

Phil: Repeat: One sheet per visit.

Potamus: [appearing from under the stall partition] Want mine? I ain't gonna use it.

"Droopy Botox"

[Harvey and Phil enter a toilet that looks like a palace.]

Harvey: Wow.

Phil: Ha ha ha! V..pee. Backrub.

[Lady appears and starts rubbing Phil's shoulders.]

Harvey: Am I supposed to... err... um... in this?

Phil: Nothing like gold on gold

Harvey: You know Phil, I've wanted this a long time: the money, the attention, the...

Phil: Backrub.

Harvey: Backrub?

[Man appears and starts rubbing Harveys shoulders.]

Harvey: Oh... But somehow, it doesn't feel right

Phil: You know it didn't feel right to me at first either.

Harvey: It didn't?

Phil: Nope, but now I can't go wee without a little rub.

---

Blue Falcon: Señor, have faith if you could do me a favor.

Birdman: Sure.

Blue Falcon: Before you enter, could you expectorate on me.

Birdman: Sorry?

Blue Falcon: Expectorate... como se dice? Spitting?

"Guitar Control"

Harvey: Our Founding Fathers... guaranteed us certain protections. The freedom of speech, freedom of religion, the freedom to own and play stringed instruments of all kinds. Those Founding Fathers didn't place restrictions on these freedoms. They didn't say, "The right to play guitar shall not be violated, except when used to play Green Day's, 'Time of Your Life,' over and over again in the common area of your dorm!" *No!* Where will these restrictions end? A background check when you want to take up banjo? A five day waiting period to buy a Telecaster? An all-out ban on the Flying V or, dare I say, whammy bar? Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, it is up to *you* to defend our right to keep and bear guitars.

Reducto: Yes, our Founding Fathers were certainly comfortable with the idea of the lute or the fiddle, but how could they have foreseen the fretless bass? No! There was absolutely no way for them to imagine a time when men would walk the streets brandishing Edgar Winter's Special Edition portable keyboards with standard MIDI interface.

[Addressing the gallery front row, containing the Founding Fathers, Antonin Scalia, Funky Phantom, and Edgar Winter]

Reducto: Don't look at me!

[Starts crawling underneath the gallery seats]

Reducto: And while the good people of the National Guitar Association might like you to think otherwise, do you really think we'd all be safer if everyone were walking around with a Sunburst Rickenbacker in their pockets?

---

[Phil's Presidential Campaign commercial, starts with song about how he's "seen almost half of America" with a video of a stripper dancing]

Phil: I'm Phil Ken Sebben. You may not know me, but I have 12-billion dollars here that says you'll vote for me regardless.

Narrator: Phil Ken Sebben. Strength. Leadership. Vision.

Phil: [Interrupting] Oh, almost forgot! I've taken every drug known to man. And not just orally. Just gettin' that out there.

Narrator: Paid for by the people who gave Phil Ken Sebben 12-billion dollars.

Season 3

"Booty Noir"

Reducto: I've got a device...a body reshaper.

Norlissa: A device? For the booty?

Reducto: Well, actually it was invented for other, more dastardly...yes, for the booty!

Norlissa: Is it safe?

Reducto: It's patented in Sweden.

Norlissa: How much does it cost?

Reducto: FREE! I mean, it's free.

Norlissa: Well all right, when can I make an appointment?

Reducto: I have an opening right now. Turn around.

Norlissa: You're gonna do it right here!?

Reducto: It's out-patient! BACK OFF!

[Reducto changes the switch on his shrink gun from 'Reduce' to 'Enlarge']

Reducto: Lord help me.

[zapping sound; Reducto enlarges Norlissa's backside]

Norlissa: Ooh...that didn't hurt a bit!

Reducto: Oh, speak for yourself!

---

Harvey: Mr Gator ... [Wally Gator breaths menacengly, Harvey steps back], tell the court in your own words what you do each day

Wally Gator: Well ..., I fish and hunt, then I watch NASCAR. yep.

Harvey: Things have been harder lately?

Wally Gator: Oh sure have! All these chain stores sprung up all over the place

Harvey: And the wildlife you're accused of injuring while trying to make your living crawfising in the swamp?

Wally Gator: Manatees [Switch to projecting slides where Wally shreds a manatee with his speedboat fan]. Don't see why the laws protecting them! Ain't nothin but floatin' meatsacks! [Court in surprise, deputy zips up pants] . Huh, federal government has NO BUSINESS tellin me how I should live MY LIFE!!!

Mightor: [Catering liquor from a reflux still] Heh, preach!!!

"Harvey's Civvy"

Potamus: Savannah! Who's ready for some lap candy?

Shado: [telepathically] I WILL HAVE THE COBB SALAD.

Potamus: Nonsense! We'll have four bloomin' onions and the full slab of baby backs. For the table!

Shado: [telepathically] I AM NO LONGER EATING PORK. [talking out loud] I just telepathically communicated that I am no longer eating por—

Potamus: Yeah, yeah; here. [tosses Shado a basket of crackers]

---

Mentok: More witnesses, evidence, anything like that?

Potamus: Nah, we're done.

Mentok: [in Peter Potamus's head] Call Shado to the stand.

Potamus: I... call... Shado... to the... stand... Now what?

Mentok: [in Peter Potamus's head] Ask him the question.

Potamus: Uhh... did you...

Mentok: Go on.

Potamus: Did you... get... that thing I... sent ya?

Shado: [telepathically] THE THING YOU SENT? [talking out loud] I'm sure I did! One moment... [sorting through papers] I think it was on buff, or maybe goldenrod.

Mentok: And how long did they have to respond, Mr. Potamus?

Potamus: Two weeks.

Mentok: Oh, and let's see. That was two weeks ago right... now! MISTRIAL!

Shado: [talking out loud] But nobody knew about that request for discovery. I hid it so well! How—

Mentok: Did I know? Back at the bar, when you thought we were getting all palsy-walsy, I was actually flipping through that sorry organizer you call a mind, looking for DIRT! Ya know what we call THAT?! MIND-TAKING BABY!!!!! ACCEPT NO SUBSTITUTES!!!!!! YOU'VE TRIED THE REST, NOW TRY THE BEST!! ONCE YOU'VE GONE BLACK, YOU NEVER GO BACK!!!!!!!!!

Harvey: So, I didn't hurt this guy, or that guy, or that guy, or this...gal?

Mentok: Oh, no. You hurt 'em, Birdy. You hurt 'em real bad. But you won! And that's all that matters!

"X Gets the Crest"

Reducto: Your Honor, Sheriff Ricochet took a—DON'T YOU MOVE FROM THAT CHAIR!—an oath to protect the public, to ensure the public's—YOUR LEGS! STOP MOVING YOUR LEGS!—safety. But in the end he caused more property damage, more injury and loss of life than the very criminals he was—

[Ricohet Rabbit starts bouncing around the courtroom]

Reducto: [Jumping around and firing his shrink gun] AHHH! You see? This is just the sort of reckless endangerment of which I speak! AHHHH!

---

Birdman: And if someone were stunned, even momentarily, that may be enough time to recover my...

Peanut: Crest?

Birdman: YES! [Birdman squeezes through oil covered hole, wearing no pants] BIRDMAN'S CREST ON X'S HELMET!

[a pregnant pause]

Peanut: Well, that was a little creepy.

"Birdgirl of Guantanomole"

[Phil Ken Sebben introduces his daughter]

Phil: Judy thinks she's interested in a law career. Ha ha ha! Pfft.

Judy: That's right, and I've been particularly interested in your work, Mr. Birdman.

Harvey: Really?

[Phil slaps Harvey with his mug, but appears across the room in the next frame]

Phil: Birdman, don't get any ideas, you hear? No touchy touchy, no rubby rubby patty, and no looky looky touchy.

Peanut: Sucky.

---

Reducto: Mr. Mole, please show us your uniform.

Morocco Mole: My uniform?

Reducto: The Geneva Convention states that only those in uniform are considered soldiers.

Harvey: Objection, he isn't even wearing any pants.

Reducto: Exactly.

Phil: Neither am I. Is that a crime?

Mentok: Uh, yes. Yes, it is.

"Turner Classic Birdman"

Mentok: You're no longer in control of your mind, and your wings are missing too.

Harvey: I am no longer in control of my mind, and my wings are missing too.

Mentok: Ehh, you don't have to repeat what I'm saying.

Harvey: I don't have to repeat what you're saying.

Mentok: I mean it stop it.

Harvey: I mean it stop it... You mean it stop it

Mentok: Okay, lets try this: you only do it when I say "Mentok Says," okay?

Harvey: [is silent]

Mentok: Okay, good.

Harvey: Okay, good.

Mentok: I didn't say "Mentok says."

Harvey: You didn't say..

---

Birdman: That's it, Falcon Seven! I quit!

Falcon Seven: Quit, and do what?

Birdman: I don't know, a regular job, like normal people have, a desk job with normal clothes and regular work, work you get paid for…

[cut to present day]

Phil: [over intercom] Birdman, get in here! A Mr. Peebles is suing Mr. Dibble!

Birdman: Sigh!

Robert Osborne: And that was 1944's "Double Indemnity" with Fred MacMurray and, of course, the glorious Barbara Stanwyck. Now, later Frank Capra would confess in his autobiography that he fell in love with Stanwyck and had he not been more in love with Lucille Rayburn, whom he eventually did marry, he would have asked Barbara Stanwyck to marry him, after she called it quits with Frank Fay and before she married Robert Taylor. Well, that's it for tonight, thanks for watching, and I'll see you next time.

"Beyond the Valley of the Dinosaurs"

Grok: An oracle foretold of a pink feathered man-bird coming from the sky to bring pestilence and death upon our tribe. You bad chinga, brother.

---

Phil: I'm not a marriage counselor, but I do have this whip.

"Evolutionary War"

Harvey: Peanut, if we're going to win this case, I need proof.

Peanut: Proof of what?

Harvey: Um... Evolution?

[they come across an unnamed governor suspiciously-reminiscent of George Wallace at the schoolhouse gates]

Peanut: I'd look elsewhere for that...

---

[Harvey is in a stall in the bathroom]

Birdman: [sighs]

Potamus: That you Birdman?

Birdman: You know, now is not a great time.

Potamus: Did'ja get that thing I sent ya?

Birdman: No! No I didn't! I never get that thing you sent me! I've never gotten that thing you sent me, and I'm beginning to wonder if you ever once sent me anything! While I'm at it, if I HAD gotten that thing you sent me—EVER!—I doubt I'd be interested in what it said. [loud sigh]

Potamus: [whimpers]

Birdman: Hey, hey, oh... I'm, I'm sorry.

Potamus: [sobs uncontrollably]

Birdman: Look, I, uh... I made a mistake. Yeah! It seems I did get something earlier today.

Potamus: [bursts out of stall] YA DID!? [runs out of bathroom] HE GOT THAT THING I SENT 'EM!

"Free Magilla"

Phil: Mopey, mopey hippo!

---

Phil: [showing the triplets how to tie a knot] The rabbit comes out of the hole, goes around the tree, sees a lady rabbit and invites her back to the waren, but then remembers he's married, so he takes a detour to that little motel out on the interstate.

Spewie: What else can you teach us, Mr. Phil?

Phil: Uhh, I dunno. How about first aid?

[the triplets cheer]

Phil: Alright. Lesson number 1: choking. Okay, which one of you can pretend to be choking for me? Has to be realistic, now.

[Potamus falls over choking in the background]

"Return of Birdgirl"

Potamus: Shhh... Shhh... Birdman, Shhh... Shhhent ya... Shh.

Harvey: But I don't know what I'm doing.

Potamus: Nonsense. Look at me. Look at me. Now, listen very closely... to what I'm about to say to you.

Harvey: Oh, okay...

Potamus: Promise that you are going to listen to these words with all your heart.

Harvey: Okay.

Potamus: Do you have... inside you... here...?

Harvey: Yes?

Potamus: Deep, deep, inside you... Do you have the one true thing that you need... in life that will guide you through it all?

Harvey: Yes?

Potamus: Do you have that one thing...?

Harvey: What thing? Tell me. WHAT IS IT?!

Potamus: It is that thing that I sent to you.

[an exasperated Harvey plunges his face back into the sink.]

Potamus: [leaves bathroom, passing attendant Azul Falcone] You're outta talc!

"Mindless"

Spyro: So, Mr. Dum-Dum, please tell us what happened on the morning of the 24th.

Dum-Dum: Der, well, it was a Thursday. Thursday's the garbage day in our house.

Mentok: [in his head] This is my life. This... is what it's come to. Off the charts IQ, best schools in the galaxy, and I'm stuck here with Butter-Boob (Dum-Dum) and Nit-Snicky (Sypro).

---

Mentok: [To the dog and Spyro, who have swapped minds] You two, scat. I wanna lock up.

Spyro (as dog): I'll bite you on the ass. Growl.

Mentok: Oh alright, I'll switch you back. Geez; spoilsport. Booweeoop'kay.

[an unearthy voice utters 'MENTOK' as the mind of Spyro and a dog exchange bodies]

Mentok: [to Spyro] Say something. [Spyro barks] Uh,oh. [to dog] You? [dog barks] Mmmmnot good.

"Sebben and Sebben Employee Orientation"

Voice over: Sebben and Sebben gives back to the community in a number of ways, our support of the arts featuring the annual Sebben and Sebben Shakespeare festival

[Phil is is alone on a stage, dressed as Hamlet.]

Phil: To die... to sleep... to sleep, perchance to dream; ay, there's the rub... Ha ha... rub! For in that sleep of death, what dreams may come... must give us pause... make us bear those... uh, I've forgotten. Huh... I know I'm depressed about something. Uh-ba-da-da... mother: dead.... no, father dead, mother alive, kind of a sexy thing with the mom, uncle; probably killed my father, girlfriend: crazy as a loon, her father's a chatterbox, I killed him... ah, this is all too complicated. [Thunderous applause.]

Voice over: And most importantly providing the resources for individual employees to set up their own charity work, like the Peter Potamus Home for Hot Unwed Mothers.

---

[Explaining the five steps to success at Sebben & Sebben]

Voice over: Identifying that thing.

Potamus: [echoing] That thing...

Voice over: Setting your sights on that thing.

Potamus: [echoing] That thing...

Voice over: Reaching for that thing.

Potamus: [echoing] That thing...

Voice over: Getting that thing.

Potamus: [echoing] You get that thing?

Voice over: Recognition for getting that thing

Potamus: [echoing] Congratulations... [farts] Excuse me I got tension.

"Identity Theft"

Elliott: Harvey Birdman. Harvey Birdman. Baffacch! Baffacch! Just the latest in a long series of duplication slights. [Cut to a photo shop] First, there was his ridiculous refusal to accept the second set of photo prints.

Clerk #1: Want twin shots?

Harvey: One print's fine.

Elliott: [in a video rental store] Then...

Elliott: Do you have Double Indemnity?

Clerk #2: [pointing to Harvey in line with movie and pouring popcorn into his mouth] That guy's got it.

Elliott: Then, his dating of not just one, but both of the Doublemint Twins.

[The twins get into Harvey's convertible and drive off with him, leaving Elliott in the dust]

Elliott: Baffacch! Now his final crime, the crime for which I will exact revenge—getting my name wrong. Everyone knows it's Elliott—two L's and two T's. I have two of EVERYTHING, for I am the Deadly Duplicator!

---

Harvey Birdmans: I/we know what you've been up to, Elliott, or should I say "the Deadly Duplicator". Your reproductive days are over!

Hiram Mightor [quick cutaway] Deedle-deedle-dee.

Elliott: We'll see about that, Birdman, and Birdman, and Birdman, and Birdman, and Birdman and Birdman.

---

Phil clone: I've seen things you people wouldn't believe, and from this side only! The flight of a half-man, half-bird. Dinosaurs nuzzling their young in pastures where strip malls should be. Cookies on dowels. All those moments lost in time; gone like eggs off a hooker's stomach. Time to die... [He gets shoved into a woodchipper]

Season 4

"Mufti Trouble"

Mentok: What's the meaning of this? This is my quiet time.

Hiram Mightor: We're going to have to take you into custody.

Mentok: Ha ha. That's outrageous. What am I charged with?

Hiram Mightor: Don't have to tell you anymore. Clearly you haven't been reading your Scalia.

---

Harvey: You're a genie?

Mentok: Used to be a genie. I was also a sex worker, a Cossack, and an EST instructor for a summer in Marin. My point? I'm in jail, you idiot! Look, Shazzan has everyone fooled. He's trying to pin it on me.

Harvey: So, we'll...we'll just go to the judge and tell him your story.

Mentok: I'm a judge! We don't believe anything!

---

Potamus: [from inside bathroom stall] That you, Birdman?

[Potamus emerges from stall, sees that it is a custodian mopping bathroom floor]

Potamus: Oh. Hey, regarding the talc situation—YOU'RE OUT OF IT!

Avenger: Potamus...

Potamus: Eh?

Avenger: Did you flush?

Potamus: Who said that?

Avenger: I did. Fat-ass.

Potamus: Meyn Got! Talkin' animal! [recoiling] This ain't riiight! SKEEVIN' ME OUT! [flees bathroom]

"Incredible Hippo"

Potamus: Oy gevalt. Please tell me those ain't Heisenberg Brothers Bagels. [Tramples to Harvey's desk] What kind should I have?!

Harvey Birdman: I'm uncertain.

Potamus: I haven't had bread for months. I've had a wallear for a Kaiser roll or somethin' starchy. Oyster crackers—anything! A sammich without bread iddn't a sammich—it's meat with mustard on your hands! What's that one, POPPY?!

---

Phil Ken Sebben: That monster is attacking Judy!

Harvey Birdman: But Phil, he's saving her!

Phil Ken Sebben: My God, you're right! (Presses tank fire button) I can't believe it! (Presses tank fire button) I was so wrong about that creature, dead wrong. Ha ha! Foreshadowing! About the dead part, not the wrong part. I only saw his grotesque visage, not his noble, majestic hearrrrrt.

"Babysitter"

[Potamus has taken control of the firm and is sitting in Phil Ken Sebben's office]

Judy: Daddy?

Potamus: I love this job.

Judy: Where's daddy?

Potamus: Uh...he went on, uh...a...

[Potamus sees a billboard with 'vacation' partially replaced by 'honeymoon']

Potamus: vaca...neymoon.

Judy: Vacaneymoon? With Aunt Phyllis? He didn't say anything about—

Potamus: They eloped. Silly kids.

Judy: But elopement's for the wedding, not the vacaneymoon.

[Potamus rushes her out of the office]

Potamus: Be happy for them! It's a joyous time!

Judy: Well do you know when he'll be back? I need him to sign this...ugh Sex Ed permission slip for my community college.

Potamus: He just said "Co-co butter"...and like that...he was gone.

---

Guy: Hey! You don't have the authority to hire people!

Potamus: Oh yeah? [leans out the window where below, an attractive girl walks past] Hey HA-HAs! You're hired!

"Birdnapped"

Mary: You see, I had to give up my last job so I could take care of my mother. And then there's the lunch money that I've been sending to the African schoolchildren. So how much is my raise?

Harvey: 20%

Birdgirl: Nothing! In fact, you're fired! Ka-Downsized! You spend five hours a day Googling pictures of kittens in rain boots! Get out!

Mary: How could you DO THIS TO ME?!?!?!

Potamus: ...and the school kids.

Harvey: It was Phil!

Mary: HOW DARE YOU BLAME A DEAD MAN, YOU BASTARD!!!

---

Debbie: Mr.—slight retch—Birdman's office.

X: Hi, Debbie, it's me. Put me through please. [Debbie hangs up] Hello? [Redials] It's X. Uh, X the Eliminator? Yeah, I'd like to speak to Harvey if I could, please.

Debbie: No, he's booked through December. Try back next year.

X: Look! I need to talk to him, okay? It's regarding tonight's menu!

Debbie: I don't have him down for dinner.

X: I...didn't invite him yet. [Debbie hangs up again] I understand. Short notice. [Slams phone down] I hate him!

Zardo: Um, well?

X: He's not coming!

"Grodin"

Devlin: Whores are for heroes!

---

[X dials the number for an Evil Life Coach]

Perfectionist: Hi. I've changed my menu options, so please listen carefully. For landscaping, press one. Dog walking, press two. Nude housecleaning, press any key any time...

X: [impatiently] Come on, come on, come on...

Perfectionist: If you need an Evil Life Coach, press four.

[X presses four]

X: [awkwardly] Hi... uh, heh... Well, I saw your ad, and uh...

Voice Mail Prompt: You have... ten... seconds.

X: [frantically] PLEASE HELP ME, I'M NOT EVIL ENOUGH! PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE! MAKE ME EVIL!

"Juror in Court"

Harvey: [alone in his kitchen] I have to call this number after five P.M. to see if it is necessary to report for Jury Duty... Who am I talking to?

[Harvey dials the number]

Harvey: Please say no, please say no...

Mentok: [answering the phone] If your number is below two thousand three hundred fifty eight...

[Harvey checks his number: 2359]

Mentok: You don't have to report tomorrow.

Harvey: Damn!

Mentok: I'm not finished.

Harvey: Oh.

Mentok: If your number is divisible by fourteen, you don't have to report.

Harvey: Damn! [starts doing long division]

Mentok: If two trains left your number at the same time headed in opposite directions, you don't have to report.

Harvey: Damn!

Mentok: If your number is two thousand three hundred fifty nine or above, you don't have to report.

Harvey: YES!!

Mentok: Unless it is two thousand three hundred fifty nine, and then you do! WE'LL SEE YOU AT 5:45 AM, SUCKERRRR!!!

---

Harvey: $27.90? But this meal voucher they gave us is only good for three dollars.

Elliott the Deadly Duplicator: (behind the counter) Ah-HA-ha-hahaha! Yes! YES! The mighty Birdman humbled by a chimichanga! Wait, that thing is $27.90? (clerk nods) Are you kidding me?! That's bullshit! He doesn't even get a fountain drink! Gimme that! (snatches voucher and duplicates it) There, now you owe him $8.10. How's that feel, huh?(Elliot exits cafe, turns left, another Elliot comes from right side of the door and jumps on counter) And what the fuck is chipotle anyway?!

"The Death of Harvey"

Harvey: (numbers popping up) Case #398567703296...

Mentok: ...7228489273124...

Harvey: ...483395639462...

Peanut: ...8.

Birdgirl: Who is it?!

Harvey: Nitron.

Mentok: And he's not alone; I gave him the keys to the Death-Con 12 (12).

Harvey: How could you?!

Mentok: Hey, nobody's perfekt. That's spelled with a K.

---

Phil: No matter how many times you say that, it still gets me ro- Oh, my God! I just did the math! By "Daddy", you don't mean bend me over your knee and call the fire department because you have a flamer down there; you mean Daddy! Judy! Daughter, is it you?

Everyone in the Background: Yes!

Phil: I can't believe you were trying to get into your own father's pants. Now that's just sick. And me helpless, (pointing down) with the one eye.

Special

Harvey Birdman: Attorney General

Phil: Peter Potamus... Phil Ken Sebben.

Potamus: Mr. President what an honor.

Phil: Listen, I'm wondering if you'd be interested in bringing your brand of populous shadily financed wisdom here to D.C. to join my administration.

Potamus: Can I still speak truth to power, except when truth becomes inconvenient to power?

Phil: Get out here you!

Cast members

Main cast

• Gary Cole - Harvey Birdman, Hiram Mightor
• Stephen Colbert - Phil Ken Sebben, Myron Reducto
• Thomas Allen - Peanut
• John Michael Higgins - Mentok the Mind-Taker, various
• Chris Edgerly - Peter Potamus, various
• Grey DeLisle - Debbie, Daphne Blake, various
• Paget Brewster - Judy Ken Sebben/Birdgirl

Recurring guest stars

• Peter MacNicol - X The Eliminator
• Debi Mae West - GiGi
• Maurice LaMarche - Blue Falcone, Stan Freezoid, Apache Chief, various
• Matt Peccini - The Bear
• Phil Lamarr - Black Vulcan
• Neil Ross - Vulturo, various
• Toby Huss - Ernie Devlin