China, IL (2011–15) is an American adult animated television sitcom created by Brad Neely for Adult Swim. The series takes place at The University of China, Illinois, dubbed the "Worst College in America" and located at the edge of town. The school's poor reputation is celebrated by the school's uncaring faculty and staff, constantly shown drinking while teaching and/or trying to avoid teaching altogether.
Season 1 edit
Rewind, Pause, Pay! edit
- The Dean: Steve, these government dudes think you're a terrorist!
- Steve: My life has been putty in his hands! I won't take his putty in my mouth!
- Pony: Steve, he could be crapping in all our mouths right now, and we wouldn't know it.
Dean Vs. Mayor edit
- Steve: The Dean is—cool.
- Baby Cakes: So cool he could kill or love anyone, and we gotta have a perfect in our pack of regulars or we'd all be lost.
- Pony: Frank, you are such an attention whore!
- Frank: The same can be said for Jesus, and look where it got him: queen of heaven.
Baby Boom edit
- The Mayor: School made that baby; school deal with it! Amen!
- Baby Cakes: Listen up: I started out as a baby on this campus, too, and I'm now me. That baby is flesh and blood—that's got to have value, or else nothing does.
Coming Out of the Casket edit
- Baby Cakes: I bet heaven's a ghost town.
- Pony: Duh. That's the point, right?
- Baby Cakes: No, I mean like no one's good enough to be there. Just Jesus playing fetch with Old Yeller.
- Frank: You can't fake gay sex, okay? Hips won't lie.
Secret Society edit
- The Dean: Steve, tenure is the highest promotion a professor can receive. You are now unfireable—and almost rich.
- Pony: I wish I could get tenure and be almost rich.
- Pony: The Americans didn't need more land, but the natural resources were like—the gravy on potatoes.
- [The class gasp.]
- Student: It's finally clear! If potatoes are covered in gravy, then I'll kill anyone to get 'em!
- Pony: And that is exactly what the early Americans did: we killed everybody!
- [The class begin cheering.]
- Frank: Oh my God. She's—Amadeus-y.
Prom Face/Off edit
- Kenny: [Preparing a song] Here's one that sucks in parts, and I hope your dates will do the same.
- Baby Cakes: So Mattie is—
- Leonard: Your sister, son.
- Baby Cakes: Aw, man.
- Leonard: That's why I didn't want you together. Believe me, I understand the inertia of star-crossed love—but fucking your sister is just gross.
- Jen: Only two things matter to me: loyalty and huffing paint.
- Steve: Jen, okay look. I'm just not that into you, all right?
- Jen: Steve, sometimes I get the feeling that you're just not that into me.
Chinese New Year edit
- Pony: It does kinda suck that we students failed all our classes. I mean, listen to them down there.
- Baby Cakes: Nah, they sound happy.
- [Outside, the students are rioting.]
- Student: [Lighting a cat on fire] We're not happy! [Throws burning cat at office]
- Baby Cakes: The ball's dropping!
- Crystal: Ten.
- Falgot: Nine.
- Leonard: Eight.
- Sammy: Seven.
- Baby Cakes: Green.
- Spider: Five.
- The Dean: Four.
- The Governor: Meh.
- Steve: Two.
- [The crowd murmurs in disgust when Frank and his robot counterpart stop the ball.]
- Frank: I can't let my other self die!
Dream Reamer edit
- Baby Cakes: Did you find Mom on Facebook and bury a hatchet in her?
- Leonard Cakes: [Laughs] Oh you sweet boy. No. God no!
- [At the insanity department, a Caucasian female doctor consults Baby Cakes.]
- Caucasian Female Doctor: You can be honest with us, Baby Cakes.
- Baby Cakes: Well then, [Points to a bald male doctor] you smell tough and [Points to an African female doctor] that girl's a ghoulie and [Points to Falgot] that guy I'm pretty sure is a river Gremlin.
- Caucasian Female Doctor: That's not really what I meant.
- Baby Cakes: I'm horny now! [Points to Leonard] You're fatter than you think, [Points to the Caucasian female doctor] and you could be sexy.
- Caucasian Female Doctor: We need to keep him here. He's clearly insane because I am sexy.
The Dean's List edit
- Baby Cakes: Movies are better than people; you don't have to smell who you're watching.
- Baby Cakes: This movie just busted the fourth dimension!
Season 2 edit
The Perfect Lecture edit
- Flip Flop: I heard the Dean's a big ol' murder.
- Unnamed Student: I heard the teachers are criminals.
- Flip Flop: I heard God is, like—really mad at this place.
- Pony: [Learning that she has sixty years before she will resemble Sammy] So this means I'll look good until I'm eighty.
- Sammy: Oh you got it backwards. I finally started looking good at eighty.
Is College Worth It? edit
- [The Dean explains tuition fees will increase while professors' wages decrease.]
- Frank: Come on! This is just a joke, right?
- The Dean: This is not a joke! I'm the sheriff in this town! Abide by my rules or suffer the consequences! [Voice echoing] Consequences! Consequences!
- Mexican Dean: I think I know what's going on here. You waddled your fat cat American ass down here, thinking that Mexico was as dirty and cheap as Selena Gomez.
- Pony: I didn't—waddle.
- Mexican Dean: Miss, this is a university. It costs thousands of dollars, not dozens.
Do You Know Who You Look Like? edit
- [Steve attacks Carabas.]
- Baby Cakes: Come on, guys; don't be turds out of water!
- Flip Flop: Ah, yeah! Twin fight! Twins hate being twins, yo.
- Steve: No, this is not about us looking alike; I am TOTALLY COOL with that.
- Carabas: We are completely different.
- Steve: Yeah, we are different. You ain't the boss; I am. You're gonna teach my curriculum, and while you're at it, you're gonna change your clothes.
- [The crowd gasps.]
- Flip Flop: Oh, I called it! It's about the twin stuff!
- [Steve, Carabas and an unnamed lookalike prepare to fight.]
- Steve: Hey, new guy, I think you look more like Carabas there than you do me.
- Unnamed Man: Fuck off; I'm way hotter!
- Carabas: I look nothing like him! I am special!
- Unnamed Man/Carabas: No one is like me!
- [The unnamed man drags himself and Carabas into a fireplace.]
- Steve: Yes! Last of the Mohicans!
The Diamond Castle edit
- Frank: [To Flip Flop about his report] Put it in the trash where it belongs. I said put it in there; I wanna see you do it!
- Reagan: Don't give up your dream for an idiot!
- Frank: He is not an idiot! He's my friend!
Kenny Winker Rules edit
- Kenny: Where's that cretin who hates me?
- Baby Cakes: I'm that Cretan.
- Kenny: It's like I'm Ahab who finally got himself a fat-ass Moby Dick. All right, now, how do we fix my woman-problem?
- Baby Cakes: Well, the first thing we gotta do is scrape some of those dicks off your heart and replace them with whatever a woman has downstairs.
- Kenny: Well, that's a grand metaphor and all, but how do we do this practically?
China-Man Begins edit
- [Pony denies that she and Steve are a couple.]
- Frank: Denying it just makes it more obvious.
- Steve: Just like denying you'll never be a Person of Anyone's Day is obviously sad.
- Steve: Baby Cakes, sometimes when a man has feeling for a woman—
- Baby Cakes: I don't understand!
Total Validation edit
- Leonard: [Locked out of the house] Jerk! I don't have my key! Let me in!
- Baby Cakes: Well, I got like five keys in here, so you do the meth!
- Leonard: It's not meth. It's math!
- Derrick: Leonard, your turn. Imagine your son tells you that he wants to burn your face off with acid. What do you say?
- Leonard: What do I say? I say—I say, "Go right ahead because you're my son, and I must love you unconditionally."
- Derrick: Are you just telling me what I want to hear?
- Leonard: Hey, Derrick, do me a favor: go fuck yourself.
Surfer God edit
- Pemsy: [In response to Steve's claiming the Virgin Mary as "the hottest woman ever"] Um, she was technically the least sexual person ever, right?
- Matt: Pemsy, you—your voice makes me mad instantly.
- God: Steve is the new Eve; make him feel shitty for it! Now gimme that! [Snatches the Haardvark and speaks through it] Schnoopies done plugged that, bee-yotch! LOL!
- [After God returns to heaven, an angry mob approaches Steve.]
- Steve: All right, everybody, let's just chill.
Prank Week edit
- Steve: You gotta admit, last night was kind of funny.
- Frank: No I won't admit it! What you did to me was—bad people stuff.
- Pony: [Unsure of Frank's whereabouts] This is all Steve's fault. You know, he tricked me into showing a porno in class. He said that it was the Dean's, but that's just crazy.
- Baby Cakes: Uh huh. Yeah, he's always telling me crazy stuff too, like, "Get me out of this dungeon you built in your basement," and, "I'm not a wizard," so yeah. I feel ya.
Wild Hogs edit
- Baby Cakes: [To a foreign exchange student] I'm gonna call you Aladdin, 'cause there is no way that isn't who you are.
- Aladdin: Actually, my name is—
- Baby Cakes: Okay, this whole place was built on a Native American burial ground, but I guess that can be said for all the places in America.
- Baby Cakes: So frats, my genie here needs a hazing, and he needs the "'round-the-world" special.
- Aladdin: I—I do not want to go around the world; we have only just met.
- Fraternity Member: You're both morons—get the fuck out.
Season 3 edit
A Gentleman's Bet edit
- Sunshine: He's such an anal-mal.
- Frank: Look. You gotta stop pronouncing it like that.
- Sunshine: Like what?
- Frank: Like butt-fucking. You say "anal-mal"; it's "animal."
- Miniature Steve: [Appearing on Steve's shoulder as Steve and Leslie copulate] Stevie you handsome idiot, why are you doing this? You're the cooler brother, man!
Best Face Forward edit
- Pony: You know, he told me that he jacked off six times yesterday. Why do I need to know that?
- Matt: Why do I need to know that?
- [Enter Steve.]
- Flip Flop: 'Sup, brother?
- Steve: No, don't say "brother," all right? That's just gross.
- Frank's Anus: So I'm Frank's better half. But, you know, now that I say that, it makes us sound like a married couple and, come on, do you really think I'd marry down like that?
- [Everyone in class laughs.]
- Steve's Voicemail: You got Steve. If you're hot, leave a message, and if you're Pony, just figure it out yourself.
- Frank: I die now. All right, please please please let there be angels.
Crow College edit
- Frank: I have been hanging out quite a lot with my friends Transfer Billy and Stacy Megan. Yeah, and it's great.
- Pony: It's a lie is what it is.
- Frank: You're a bush is what you is—are.
- Baby Cakes: When everyone got showers in their home, I bet this is what caused the "Sexual Revolution." First, daily showers, then privates went into the nearest mouths, now butt holes are getting jealous of the Christmas kisses.
- The Mayor: Mayor got a new law, new law! From here on, anchovy eating is banned in Mayor's Church of Pizza. Do it at home, behind closed doors, because in the eyes of God, the only topping that is right and traditional to be eaten on a bed of dough in the church is pepperoni.
- Billy: B.C. is just a repressed, full-on anchovy-eater, like I was before.
- Pony: It makes sense. If he wants anchovies, me must have the anchovy gene, right?
- Billy: His love for pepperoni—it's all been a lie.
- Baby Cakes: Then I'm the greatest liar ever.
Parent's Day edit
- Baby Cakes: I heard that nature was just really like a really hard video game: gotta keep on dying and restarting until you master it.
- [Doctor Mother reveals she is marrying the Rock.]
- Baby Cakes: What? No, I thought you wanted to get back with Dad!
- Doctor Mother: Get over it! Arrgghh—sorry, I should eat.
- The Rock: Baby Cakes, your mom is a great lover. She is the best at sucking—
- Baby Cakes: Shut up!
- The Rock: —the Rock off.
Displays of Manhood edit
- Matt: [In a fantasy scene as he and others play Dungeons & Dragons] Y'all know I just play to try and fuck some elves, right?
- One of Muhammad Ali's Daughters: My dad says he's so bad he should change his first name to Breaking. [The caption reads, "Ali attempts to reference 'Breaking Bad' in quip."] Dad, that sucked. What? No, no. My dad says he's so fast he travels 299,792 kilometers per second. Dad, no.
Life Coaches edit
- Easter Bunny: Yes! Finally, there ain't no caca! This territory is mine!
- Pony: [Attacking the Easter Bunny] You die!
- Easter Bunny: Please stop!
- Pony: Fuck you! Fuck you! I will fucking kill you! [Screaming and tearing up] This world sucks—Easter Bunnies and dead husbands! Die, you fucking Easter Bunny! Die like my dead husband; die like Johnny! I was relieved when Johnny died; I got married to him way too quick! I felt guilty for feeling like this for so long! [Pony pauses as she ceases her attacks.] I do miss him, though.
- Baby Cakes: [Having witnessed the beating] Oh, she's a Chris Brown.
- Pony: No, I'm a brown widow.
Gummie World edit
- [A garbage truck deals with garbage as Pony tries to talk.]
- Pony: You got to trust me. When I was at her house, [Getting louder] I saw a room with [Getting louder] a lock on it, and I bet [Yelling] Kim has been trapped in there! [Yells at the garbageman] Shut the hell up!
- Pony: Kim's dead.
- Steve: Oh my God, how?
- Pony: Gummy bear.
- Baby Cakes: Well, that one's on me, I guess.
- Leonard: Dean, what is this?
- The Dean: The talking monkey? I don't know. We got her from some now-defunct Japanese zoo. They're a dime a dozen. What isn't a dime a dozen are barrels of oil.
- Leonard: Japan? But her Southern accent...
- [The communicator reads "Accent: Atlanta."]
- The Dean: She was bred in captivity, doesn't know anything, costs too much to feed; I fucking hate this monkey. I can't wait to turn him into a few miles' worth of crude oil.
- Baby Cakes: Stop bothering my magical Bigfoot, you worthless, pre-oil monkey! Oh, I can't wait for Dad to take you back to the Dean.
- Kei-Ko: [Via communicator] Wait. I'm going back? No!
- The Dean: Kei-Ko, it's time for you to be turned into oil, just like Mother Nature intended.
- Barb: Dumb Clint, with his big, dumb temper.
- Clint: Shut up, She-goat, or I'll kill you this time!
- Barb: You don't have the balls, One-eye!
- Clint: I told you never to call me that!
- [last lines of the series]
- Cindy: [Seeing Frank's excess body hair] Frank? What's wrong with you?
- Frank: [Groans] I have saved a fucking gorilla today, I also talked a very special idiot out of willing himself dead, and now, just because I'm too hairy in some places and too bald in other places, you can't find it in your putrid little heart to want to get to know me sexually? [Laughs sarcastically] What's wrong with me? What is wrong with you? I am magical!
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