Frasier (season 1)

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Frasier was an American TV situation comedy, a spin-off of the television show Cheers, which aired from 1993–2004. It follows the life of a psychiatrist who has returned to his home town of Seattle to reconnect with his father and brother following his divorce and rebuild his life as a talk radio host and high society socialite.

The Good Son [1.1]

Frasier: Six months ago, I was living in Boston. My wife had left me, which was very painful. Then she came back to me, which was excruciating. On top of that, my practice had grown stagnant, and my social life consisted of– hanging around a bar night after night. You see, I was clinging to a life that wasn't working anymore, and I knew I had to do something, anything. So I ended the marriage once and for all, packed up my things, and moved back here to my hometown of Seattle. Go Seahawks.

Frasier: The rest of the show was pretty good. It was a good show, wasn't it?

Roz: Here, your brother called.

Frasier: Roz, in the trade we call that avoidance. Don't change the subject. Tell me what you think.

Roz: Did I ever tell you what this little button does?

Frasier: I am not a piece of Lalique. I can handle criticism. How was I today?

Roz: Let's see. You dropped two commercials, you left a total of 28 seconds of dead air, you scrambled the stations call letters, you spilled yogurt on the control board and you kept referring to Jerry with the identity crisis, as "Jeff".

[Pause]

Frasier: You say my brother called.

Roz: Ever heard of Lupe Velez?

Frasier: Who?

Roz: Lupe Velez, the movie star in the '30s. Well, her career hit the skids, so she decided she'd make one final stab at immortality. She figured if she couldn't be remembered for her movies, she'd be remembered for the way she died. And all Lupe wanted was to be remembered. So, she plans this lavish suicide - flowers, candles, silk sheets, white satin gown, full hair and makeup, the works. She takes the overdose of pills, lays on the bed, and imagines how beautiful she's going to look on the front page of tomorrow's newspaper. Unfortunately, the pills don't sit well with the enchilada combo plate she sadly chose as her last meal. She stumbles to the bathroom, trips and goes head-first into the toilet, and that's how they found her.

Frasier: Is there a reason you're telling me this story?

Roz: Yes. Even though things may not happen like we planned, they can work out anyway.

Frasier: Remind me again how it worked for Lupe, last seen with her head in the toilet.

Roz: All she wanted was to be remembered. Will you ever forget that story?

Space Quest [1.2]

Frasier: Thanks, Niles. You are a good brother and a credit to the psychiatric profession.

Niles: You're a good brother, too.

Niles: So, how's Father?

Frasier: Do you mean the man who's driving me crazy?

Frasier: Or do you mean the man who drove me out of my own home?!

Niles: And how's work?

Niles: So what you're saying is you want to be closer to Dad, but you don't actually want him around.

Dinner at Eight [1.3]

Frasier: I just don't think it's very smart to make rude gestures at other drivers.

Martin: He cut you off!

Frasier: That doesn't matter. You do not antagonize a man whose bumper sticker says: "If you're close enough to read this, I'll kill you!"

Martin: Big talk from a Volvo.

Frasier: [about Daphne] She's psychic. We've decided to find it charming.

I Hate Frasier Crane [1.4]

Niles: Sorry I'm late, Frasier. Just as we were leaving, Maris had a run-in with a rude directory assistance operator, and it shattered her calm.

Frasier: You know, Niles, have you ever considered that maybe Maris is a bit high-strung, that maybe she should see someone?

Niles: She's seen everyone. Why do you think she was calling directory assistance?

Roz: So, I step out of the shower, I look out of the window and I notice the garbage man looking right in at me. So I say, "Did you get a good look?" And he says, "Not completely, turn around." Then he smiled, and he's missing a tooth, and that's when the romance went right out of it for me.

Frasier: Roz, why are you telling me this story?

Roz: I'm trying to take your mind of the fact that in five minutes you're going to walk right out into that square and get your clock cleaned.

Frasier: Well, has it ever occurred to you that I might actually win this fight?

Roz: Your shoe's untied.

[Frasier looks down]

Roz: If you fell for that one, you're going down and you're going down hard.

Here's Looking At You [1.5]

[Frasier cannot fathom why Martin stopped speaking to Irene after one phone call]

Niles: Who knows why anybody does anything?

Frasier: [looks incredulously at him] Remind me again what you do for a living.

Frasier: How can anyone make a sound judgement about another person on the basis of one phone call?

Niles: [looks back] Remind me again what it is you do for a living.

The Crucible [1.6]

Frasier: By the way, where's Maris? I haven't seen her all night.

Niles: She's on your bed.

Frasier: My bed?

Niles: Yes, she's asleep under the guests' coats. She exhausts easily under the pressure to be interesting.

[...]

Daphne: Dr. Crane, were you sniffing my hair?

Niles: Why would I do that? I'm a happily married man. I love my Maris.

Guest: [pokes his head in] Where should I put this coat?

Niles: Just throw it on the bed.

Frasier: God, I hate lawyers.

Niles: Me, too. But they make wonderful patients. They have excellent health insurance and they never get better.

Call Me Irresponsible [1.7]

Catherine: Your wife is really lucky.

Frasier: Well, I'm sure she'd say the same thing, especially now that our marriage is over.

Daphne: My grandfather used to nap every afternoon. He lived to be 93.

Martin: Really?

Daphne: He'd lie there on the sofa and you couldn't wake him for the world. Grammy would say: "He might as well be a dead man." Then, of course, one day we couldn't wake him. He really was a dead man. Poor Grammy. For weeks, she kept insisting: "He's napping, he's napping."

Beloved Infidel [1.8]

[Dinner with Niles holds several surprises]

Frasier: You know, Niles, maybe you should have that Martini after all.

Niles: I can't, Frasier; I'm driving.

Frasier: [still reading the menu] Not anymore; they just towed your car.

Daphne: Working down at the docks has always been a tradition for us Moons. My father worked on the docks, and me grandfather before him. All my brothers do. Well, except for my brother Billy. He came home one day, and announced he hated the smell of fish and was going to teach ballroom dancing. And he did. And he does. He's my mum's favorite. Dad mostly flicks the crust off his kidney pie at him.

Selling Out [1.9]

Frasier: [to a caller] Roger, at Cornell University they have an incredible piece of scientific equipment known as the tunneling electron microscope. Now, this microscope is so powerful that by firing electrons you can actually see images of the atom, the infinitesimally minute building block of our universe. Roger, if I were using that microscope right now, I still wouldn't be able to locate my interest in your problem. Thank you for your call.

Niles: Let's face it, Frasier, you talk about wanting to safeguard your professional dignity, but the first time you went on the air, you got out of medicine and into show biz. You're no different from that movie star who let everybody look up her skirt in that film, and then did nothing but complain that nobody took her seriously as an actress.

Frasier: Well, that has nothing to do with this!

Niles: Have you seen that movie? Maris and I rented the video and, I don't mind telling you, we pushed our beds together that night! [pause] And that was no mean feat. Her room, as you know, is across the hall.

Oops! [1.10]

Niles: I really must go. I'm hosting a seminar on multiple personality disorder and it takes me forever to fill out the name tags.

Frasier: Oh my God! This is unbelievable! A man has quit his job because of a rumor that you spread!

Roz: Me? The whole point of gossip is to talk behind the person's back, not in front of them; I didn't realize you were unclear on this concept!

Death Becomes Him [1.11]

Frasier: Roz, why is it that whenever we try to have a serious discussion, we always end up talking about your sex life?

Roz: [smugly] Because I have one.

[It seems that Doctor Newman was both healthy and in good shape when he died]

Allen: Did you know he had less than 10 percent body fat on him?

Frasier: My goodness. Has anybody checked to see if he's really dead?

Miracle on Third or Fourth Street [1.12]

[As Frasier presents the Christmas Day show, more and more depressing tales of woe are heard.]

Caller: I remember that Christmas when I ran into my mother's room, tears streaming down my face, and I said "Mummy, Mummy, the puppy Santa gave me won't wake up."

Daphne: I promised my Uncle Jackie I'd fly down to San Francisco to be with him.

Martin: Well, I guess you should be with your family at this time of year, it's more traditional.

Daphne: Except that Jackie's a transvestite. Getting a bit long in the tooth for it too, if you ask me. Last Thanksgiving he ate too much turkey and I had to cut him out of his pantyhose.

Guess Who's Coming to Breakfast [1.13]

Frasier: I'm having a young lady over on Friday night. I was hoping that maybe you could take Dad out for me.

Niles: Oh, I wish you'd said Saturday.

Frasier: Why? You have plans Friday?

Niles: No, I have plans Saturday.

Martin: Hey, for your information, people of our generation think sex is a private thing. And I still think that's a pretty healthy way of looking at it. Sex is something between you and the person you're doing it to!

Can't Buy Me Love [1.14]

Niles: [about Maris] She's been afraid to fly since her harrowing incident.

Daphne: Oh, dear... Did a plane almost crash?

Niles: No, she was bumped from first class. She still wakes up screaming.

Bulldog: Hey, T.J.! How was it, man?

T.J. Smith: It was horrible! They're like sharks in a feeding frenzy! The one who bought me had this crazed look in her eye!

[Roz walks in]

Roz: Where do I pay?

Frasier: Roz!

Roz: I saw what I wanted and I went after it!

You Can't Tell a Crook By His Cover [1.15]

Frasier: [showing Martin around the station] Now, don't touch that! It's a very sophisticated piece of electronic equipment!

Martin: What is it?

Frasier: I have no idea. Roz told me never to touch it!

Niles: My taekwondo instructor says I'm just two moves away from becoming quite threatening.

The Show Where Lilith Comes Back [1.16]

[Lilith is criticizing Frasier's advice on air]

Frasier: Well, Seattle, we have a celebrity of sorts on the line. This is my ex-wife, Lilith.

Lilith: What do you mean by "celebrity"?

Frasier: [darkly] Oh, they know you!

Frasier: Do you wanna bag dinner?

Lilith: There's a bed and an honor bar, what more do we need?

Frasier: Come to me, my white-hot flame!

[Lilith jumps into Frasier's arms, and he carries her to the bed behind them.]

Lilith: I was insane to divorce you!

Frasier: You're in my every waking thought!

Lilith: You're the only man I've ever loved!

Frasier: So are you!

A Mid-Winter Night's Dream [1.17]

[Daphne offers to cook for Niles and Maris]

Niles: Just bear in mind: she can't have shellfish, poultry, red meat, saturated fats, nitrates, wheat, starch, sulphites, MSG or dairy... Did I say nuts?

Frasier: Oh, I think that's implied!

Martin: [on the phone] No, no, the storm's really bad, you shouldn't be driving in it anyway. No, you just spend the night there. Right, goodnight, Daphne. [hangs up]

Frasier: You told her to spend the night?

Martin: Yeah, what's the problem?

Frasier: Well, you know how Niles feels about her.

Martin: Oh, relax. It's just another one of Niles's little crushes.

Frasier: Oh, I suppose you're right. Niles is harmless enough. Besides, he'd never try anything with Maris in the house.

Martin: Oh, Maris never made it back. She's stuck in Arizona.

Frasier: [jumps to his feet] I've gotta get Daphne out of there!

Martin: Why?

Frasier: Why?! My God, it's a recipe for disaster! You've got a vulnerable woman and an unstable man in a Gothic mansion on a rainy night! The only thing missing is someone shouting "Heathcliff!" across the moors!

And the Whimper Is... [1.18]

Niles: I really must run. I'm due at my sexual addiction group, and I don't like to leave them alone for too long.

[Bebe narrowly avoids making an ageist remark about Fletcher Grey when she sees Martin]

Bebe: You're even more handsome than the last time I saw you. If I were twenty years older, they couldn't keep me away from you.

Martin: That's why I keep this cane.

Give Him the Chair! [1.19]

Martin: I just need a comfortable place to park my fanny.

Frasier: How about Florida?

Martin: I heard that.

Salesman: People seem to like this Lazyguy.

Frasier: Lazyguy, I wonder what they call the deluxe version. The Hopeless Slackass?

Martin: Okay, I'll tell you what chair I want. I want the chair I was sitting in when I watched Neil Armstrong take his first step on the Moon. And when the U.S. hockey team beat the Russians in the '80 Olympics. I want the chair I was sitting in the night you called me to tell me I had a grandson. I want the chair I was in all those nights, when your mother used to wake me up with a kiss after I'd fallen asleep in front of the television. Y'know I still fall asleep in it. And every once in a while, when I wake up, I still expect your mother to be there, ready to lead me off to bed... Oh, never mind. It's only a chair.

Fortysomething [1.20]

[Frasier explains his quandary to Niles in Café Nervosa]

Frasier: The other day I was asked out by this twenty-two year old girl that I met in a mall.

Niles: That is alarming.

Frasier: Well, I turned her down.

Niles: No, no, you were in a mall. Did anyone see you?

[Niles has discovered a new party game, in which contestants select a meal, aria and wine to take to a desert island. He gives his choices]

Niles: The coulibiac of salmon at Guy Savoy, "Vissi d'arte" from Tosca, and the Côtes du Rhône Châteauneuf-du-Pape '47.

Frasier: You are so predictable!

Travels With Martin [1.21]

Frasier: Niles, if Dad and I get into a Winnebago, only one of us will come out alive. You've got to come with us!

Niles: Frasier, you're my brother. That entitles you to my bone marrow and one of my kidneys; but this is an imposition.

Niles: I'm sorry, Frasier. I am not a Winnebago person. Whenever I see one on the highway, I look into the driver's eyes, hoping to see something that would explain why in God's name they would ever want to do something like this. All I see is a death stare under the brim of a hat made out of Miller Lite cans. This is my final word: I'm not going.

[Martin and Daphne enter.]

Martin: Great news! Daphne's coming, too.

Niles: And so am I!

Author, Author [1.22]

Frasier: What we need is a good opening sentence. Something that will smack the reader right between the eyes, and then take him on a virtual roller-coaster ride of self-awareness and discovery.

Niles: Frasier, while you were over there, mixing metaphors like a Cuisinart, I've had a breakthrough.

Niles: I can't let it go! My nose is rubbed in it every day! *I'm* the one on the board of the Psychiatric Association, my research is well-respected in academic circles, four of my patients have been elected to political office, but it's your big fat face they put on the side of buses!

Frasier: ... I do not have a fat face!

[While brawling over their inability to write a book, due to their sibling rivalry]

Niles: My God, My God! I'm having a flashback! You're climbing in my crib and jumping on me!

Frasier: You stole my mommy!

[After Martin tells his sons the story of how his partner died.]

Martin: Frasier, isn't there something you wanna say to your brother?

Frasier: Yes, Dad, I– I suppose there is. Niles, would you like a muffin? [Offers his brother a muffin on a plate. Niles becomes confused]

Martin: [Angrily] Frasier!

Frasier: [Gives in] All right! [Puts the muffin on the plate back on the table. After a moment, he stands up] Niles– I'm sorry things didn't work out with the book. You have no reason to feel inferior to me. You're an accomplished psychiatrist, a decent man– and you stand second to no one.

Niles: Thank you, Frasier. [Stands up] The truth is, I've always looked up to you and– admired you.

Martin: All right, enough of this mushy girly stuff. Just shake hands, punch each other on the shoulder, and be done with it.

[The brothers shake hands, but finally give in and hug.]

Frasier: Oh, what the heck.

Martin: [Upset] Oh, geez!

Frasier Crane's Day Off [1.23]

[Frasier is clearly ill, but reluctant to miss work]

Frasier: Well Dad, as you've often said, "If you can walk, you can work". Took sort of an ironic twist when you got shot in the hip!

Martin: Well, at least I had a real job! Half your listening audience hears voices already, the other half talks to themselves. If you don't show up, who's gonna notice?

[After Niles initially refused to fill in for his brother, Frasier says he does not possess the right qualities anyway]

Niles: Frasier, this pathetic attempt at reverse psychology is beneath you!

Frasier: Then you're not going to do my show?

Niles: No, I am going to do your show, and I'm going to do it better than you ever dreamed of doing it!

My Coffee with Niles [1.24]

Frasier: I asked Dad to get me a bran muffin. You know what he said to me? "What's the magic word?"

Niles: You're kidding.

Frasier: He didn't think it was very amusing when I said, "Rest home!"

Niles: Maddening!

Frasier: What is it now?

Niles: They have a new moisturizer dispenser in the men's room, and the cream is entirely too oily, so I had to rewash my hands, and wouldn't you know it, that is when the hot-air hand dryer decides to break down!

Frasier: How do you get through the day?