Frasier (season 2)

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Frasier was an American TV situation comedy, a spin-off of the television show Cheers, which aired from 1993–2004. It follows the life of a psychiatrist who has returned to his home town of Seattle to reconnect with his father and brother following his divorce and rebuild his life as a talk radio host and high society socialite.

Slow Tango in South Seattle [2.1]

[During an interview for KACL, the author is asked about the inspiration for his book. Frasier is listening outside]

Fallow: Well, it was actually given to me…by God.

Frasier: By GOD? Do you believe this guy's grandiosity? I'm God, and he knows it!

Frasier: You know how hard it is to lie to someone's face.

Roz: Oh, no, it's easy for someone as bright and charming and articulate as you.

Frasier: Well, then, perhaps you're right.

Roz: See how easy it is.

The Unkindest Cut of All [2.2]

[Martin is annoyed by Frasier's repeated instructions to take Eddie to the vet]

Martin: If anybody wants me, I'll be down at Duke's. [exits]

Niles: You ever noticed how much faster he moves when he's wrong?

Daphne: [about drawer-dividers for socks] I saw them once in a catalogue, but I couldn't imagine who in the world would buy such silly things. Course, I hadn't met Dr. Crane yet.

Martin: I used to think there'd been some sort of mix-up at the hospital. Of course, when Niles came along, it shot that theory all to hell.

The Matchmaker [2.3]

[Daphne explains that the smoke alarm over her bed went off]

Daphne: God, the noise the bloody thing makes! It would be less upsetting just to wake up on fire!

Roz: God, you look like you've been ridden hard and put away wet.

Frasier: Yes, well I was up 'til all hours of the night with Daphne, competing to see which of us has the more pathetic love life. On the bright side, I won.

Flour Child [2.4]

Martin: One minute it's just a blob in some lady's stomach, the next minute it's a person. Blob... Person.

Frasier: The miracle of birth, summed up in one poetic phrase.

[Niles's bag of flour is showing signs of fire damage after being dried beside the hearth].

Frasier: He caught on fire?

Niles: It was not as careless as you make it seem. After all, a real child would have cried before it burst into flames.

Duke's We Hardly Knew Ye [2.5]

[Daphne is dressed up for a date, and is testing her perfume when Niles arrives]

Niles: [sniffs around Daphne] Is that "Forbidden"?

Frasier: In every sense of the word!

[Martin reveals the truth about MeadowWood Properties's demolition plans while proposing a toast, prompting his sons to down their boilermakers]

Martin: To Duke's!

Regulars: To Duke's!

Frasier: [to Duke] Two more!

The Botched Language of Cranes [2.6]

[Frasier has declined to make a personal appearance at a hospital.]

Roz: What? You're turning down a hospital?

Frasier: Don't look at me that way.

Roz: Hey, I'm with you. I hate the way those whiny sick people are always nagging you for things. "I want a magazine!" "I want a kidney!"

Frasier: Good afternoon, Seattle. This is Dr. Frasier Crane, KACL 780. Well, it's another gray, depressing day here in the Emerald City. Here's hoping we can brighten up your afternoon. We hold it our personal duty to banish your rainy day blues. But first, a message from a new sponsor. [reads] "Death is inevitable"...

The Candidate [2.7]

Daphne: It makes me glad we don't have so many guns in England.

Frasier: You don't need guns: you got kidney pie.

[Despite a shocking revelation about Patterson, Niles is still keen for him to defeat Thorpe]

Niles: Can you tell me, with any certainty, that in such a vast universe there isn't intelligent life on other planets?

Frasier: At the moment, I'm not sure there's intelligent life in this kitchen.

Adventures in Paradise [2.8]

[Martin remembers how he met his wife.]

Martin: Hester was a psychiatrist, so every now and again the department would have her run up a profile on a suspect. I remember the first time I met her. It was over the chalk outline of a murder victim. She drew a little smile on the head of the outline, and I drew a pair of eyes, and before you knew it we were laughing like a couple of kids.

Frasier: Dad, you're a ghoul.

Martin: I was joking. We couldn't draw on the outline. They hadn't moved the body yet.

[Niles's Freudian slip]

Niles: If you ask me, Frasier, your trepidation is well-founded. It is possible to move a relationship along too fast, and ultimately marry too hastily. You could find, a few years down the line, that the person isn't really right for you, and then what happens if you meet the right person? Someone who really excites you and makes you feel alive, but you can't act upon it because you're trapped in a stale, albeit comfortable Maris!…Marriage…I have to go now.

Adventures in Paradise (Part II) [2.9]

[Lilith introduces her boyfriend to Frasier]

Lilith: Brian is a seismologist at MIT.

Frasier: Oh, well, that's perfect: Brian being a seismologist, and you having so many faults.

[Frasier is angry with Lilith for interrupting his time with Madeline]

Frasier: My God, woman, I'd drive a stake through your heart but I don't think anything could kill you!

Burying a Grudge [2.10]

Frasier: There's nothing wrong with Maris that wouldn't be cured by a little sun, some exercise and a personality.

Daphne: I had a mole removed.

Niles: Where?

Daphne: Just south of Manchester.

Niles: I meant, where on your body?

Daphne: So did I.

Seat of Power [2.11]

[Confronted with Danny again, Niles is having trouble controlling his anger. Frasier takes him in hand]

Niles: I can't go in there and talk to him. If the coward turns his back on me, I'll attack him again!

Frasier: No you won't. You're not a child any more. Now come with me: I'm taking you to the bathroom!

Martin: Oh, for God's sake, Eddie, don't drink out of the toilet! Some guy just had his head in there!

Roz in the Doghouse [2.12]

[Roz intervenes on Frasier's show with some advice of her own]

Frasier: Who's next, Roz?

Roz: If you ask me, it's divorced people you want to watch out for. If someone's never been married, it might just mean they're a careful shopper, whereas your divorce will buy any old piece of fruit without even giving it a squeeze first.

Frasier: The preceding was an unbiased opinion from my never-been-married producer, Roz, who, incidentally, has squeezed more fruit than Tropicana!

[Daphne is giving Roz's ankle a much-appreciated massage]

Roz: Whatever Frasier's paying you, it's not enough.

Daphne: Actually, I'd need a raise to get me to "not enough".

Retirement is Murder [2.13]

[Frasier has an idea for how to take Martin's mind away from the murder case: the basketball game]

Frasier: It's the archetypal male bonding ritual.

Niles: Couldn't we just go to the woods, kill something and have done with it?

Frasier: Ah, yes. Another beautiful Saturday night. The moon is full, the city lights are twinkling, lovers steal kisses in the park... and here, Chez Crane, my father and his assistant sit hunched over 20-year-old photographs of a murdered hooker. [raises his glass] Life is a banquet!

Fool Me Once, Shame on You, Fool Me Twice... [2.14]

Frasier: I'm a humane man, but right now I could kick a kitten through an electric fan.

[Frasier is waiting in Café Nervosa for a man who claims he can return his stolen briefcase. Niles discovers it contained his car keys]

Niles: Frasier, the person who has your car keys asked you to meet him here knowing you would bring your car?

Frasier: Now, now, before you launch into one of your paranoid riffs, my car happens to be… [turns to look through the window] MOVING DOWN THE STREET! Oh, my God! [leaps up and rushes out of the door] Stop! Stop that well-dressed man!

You Scratch My Book... [2.15]

[Niles has advised Daphne to reinvest her money from the sale of her shares. Frasier walks in and wonders why she looks so excited]

Daphne: Well, your brother just gave me $200, and now he's going to roll me over.

Frasier: Niles?

Niles: (embarrassed) Communications breakdown.

Frasier: Good.

[Niles is laughing while perusing Dr. Snow's manuscript]

Frasier: Niles, will you please stop giggling? It's very distracting.

Niles: I can't help it. Have you read this?

Frasier: I'm trying to recommend a book. Reading it doesn't help.

The Show Where Sam Shows Up [2.16]

[Sam is telling Frasier about his fiancée]

Sam: She's a terrific person. She's smart, she's funny, she's horny. I mean, she's just the kinda chick you wanna stick up on a pedestal.

Frasier: You know, Sam, it's always amazed me how you can elevate and demean in the same sentence.

[Just after they meet Sheila, Frasier reveals to Roz and Niles that he slept with her]

Roz: You slept with her?

Niles: On what desert island with no hope of rescue was this?!

Martin: What did Frasier say about his old man? The father. The cop.

Sam: He told me you were dead.

Martin: Dead?

Frasier: We just had a fight that day. I was mad.

Sam: You're a cop? You told me he was a research scientist.

Frasier: You were dead! What did it matter?!

Daphne's Room [2.17]

[Niles wonders how to reconcile with Maris]

Martin: When your mother got mad at me, I'd just grab her, bend her backwards and give her a kiss that made her glad she was a woman.

Niles: I can't do that with Maris. She has abnormally rigid vertebrae; she'd snap like a twig.

[Frasier does not approve of Niles buying Maris a car]

Frasier: I happen to think that bribery is the wrong way for couples to resolve their conflicts.

Niles: And during which of your failed marriages did you hone that theory?

The Club [2.18]

Martin: Boy, you and Niles. It's been the same since you were kids. If one of you has something, the other one always has to have it, too. I had to buy two Balinese lutes, two découpage kits, two pairs of lederhosen. When you finally moved out of the house, that was one embarrassing garage sale.

Niles: My brother is too kind. He was already eminent, while my eminence was merely... imminent.

Someone To Watch Over Me [2.19]

Niles: Well, as some illustrious person once said, "Popularity is the hallmark of mediocrity."

Frasier: You just made that up, didn't you?

Niles: Yes, but I stand by it.

[Martin thinks Frasier is wasting money by hiring a personal bodyguard]

Martin: Hey, I know how to take a bullet.

Frasier: Oh, yes. That's just what your personality needsː another bulletǃ

Breaking The Ice [2.20]

[Niles is bemused by the smell of Martin's tackle box covered by Daphne's air freshener]

Niles: It smells like a fish died and all the other fish sent flowers.

[Daphne encourages Frasier to go ice fishing with Martin]

Frasier: So you're suggesting that I go along and pretend I'm enjoying myself in something that gives me absolutely no pleasure at all just to hear the words "I love you"?

Daphne: Why not? Women have been doing it for centuries.

An Affair to Forget [2.21]

Martin: Seattle's a big city. I'm sure there's a bunch of German fencing instructors, each one with dozens of students.

Frasier: Yes, but are they wealthy students?

Martin: [sarcastically] No, they're inner-city kids trying to work their way out of the ghetto with nothing but a foil and a dream.

[Niles accuses Gunnar in English, which Frasier translates into Spanish for Marta, so she can tell Gunnar in German]

Gunnar: Schweinhund! [draws his sword]

Niles: Alright, fine! You want to challenge me? En garde!

Frasier: Oh, yes, Niles! That's just what we need: a fourth language.

Agents in America, Part III [2.22]

[Frasier is watching a daytime soap opera with Daphne and Martin]

Frasier: My God, in one scene they've got Sky, Xena and Slate!

Daphne: I don't think someone called "Frasier" should be pointing any fingers.

Frasier: Is this the way you spend your days when I'm not at home?

Daphne: Not quite. When you're not home, I can bloody well hear what they're saying!

Frasier: Well, you wouldn't want to miss a line of this dialogue: "Oh Zirconia, can't you see Stone doesn't love you; he loves Placenta!"

[After Bebe has treated Daphne as a slave, she brings Bebe a snack]

Daphne: Will there be anything else?

Bebe: No, you run along, I'm fine.

Daphne: You're sure now? Because I could wait until you've finished the biscuit and floss your teeth for you!

The Innkeepers [2.23]

(Gil announces that Orsini's is closing.)

Gil: And so tonight a sad adieu to the grande dame of Seattle restaurants.

Roz: (aside to Frasier) I thought he was the grande dame of Seattle restaurants.

Frasier: All right, stop it! Get a grip. You're not being asked to do anything that none of us hasn't done before in our own kitchens in our own homes! Now quick, Niles, kill five eels!

Niles: Wait, wait! What?

Frasier: I'm serious! Every restaurant critic in Seattle is out there and they all want anguille, so start killing eels!

Niles: Wait, wait. How do you suggest I do that?

Frasier: How do I know? You're the chef. Throw a toaster in the damn tank for all I care!

Niles: How much fire power do you suppose is necessary to embed a cherry in an acoustic ceiling tile?

Frasier: Another question we should have asked ourselves before we entered the exciting world of food service.

Dark Victory [2.24]

Niles: [to Frasier] You unprincipled charlatan! You unconscionable fraud! [turns] Happy birthday, Dad.

[Martin blows out the candles of his birthday cake at the same time the power goes out.]

Niles: Well, at least we know there's nothing wrong with Dad's lungs...

[Niles leaves Frasier's apartment during a power outage. He returns a few minutes later, gasping for breath]

Niles: Nineteen floors down to my car! Garage door's electric! Can't open! Twenty floors back up! Lost count! Bad lady upstairs! Big dog! Need place to die!