Frasier (season 5)

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Frasier was an American TV situation comedy, a spin-off of the television show Cheers, which aired from 1993–2004. It follows the life of a psychiatrist who has returned to his home town of Seattle to reconnect with his father and brother following his divorce and rebuild his life as a talk radio host and high society socialite.

Frasier's Imaginary Friend [5.1]

Neither Niles nor Martin believe Frasier's story that he is dating a supermodel

Niles: Doesn't he realize how outlandish it all sounds?

Martin: Even a fake supermodel would have dumped him by now!

Frasier tries desperately to convince his family

Frasier: I am not crazy! I am dating a supermodel zoologist, whom I stole away from a professional football player, and she is off to the Galápagos Islands to artificially inseminate iguanas! Now is that so hard to believe?!

The Gift Horse [5.2]

Daphne fills Niles in with Sherry's meat-based plans for the food at Martin's party

Niles: I assume these colorful balloons are for the between-course angioplasty(!)

Frasier comes home to find speaker towers placed around his living room

Frasier: Dear God...It's Stonehenge.

Sherry loves the new giant screen TV

Sherry: Wow, she's a beaut! Marty and I are gonna be spending a lot more time here.

Frasier: It's a gift that keeps on giving(!)

Halloween [5.3]

Martin: I thought you were getting me a Sherlock Holmes outfit. He didn't wear a bowler.

Niles: Well, they were all out of Sherlock Holmes, so I put together something else for you. Don't worry, it's another detective. Tonight, you'll be Lord Peter Wimsey!

Martin: Who the hell's that?

Niles: He's a celebrated bon vivant sleuth from a series of novels by Dorothy L. Sayers.

Martin: Well, I'm not going anywhere where I have to tell people my name's Wimsey!

Frasier at the party meeting a woman dressed as Eve from the Bible

Frasier: Let me guess... Lady Godiva?

Eve: No, Eve, from the Bible.

Frasier: Well, now I know why they call it "The Good Book".

The Kid [5.4]

[Frasier enters Café Nervosa.]

Frasier: Morning, Roz!

Roz: [annoyed] Frasier! What are you doing here?

Frasier: Oh, I realize it must be a shock to see me here in this place I come to every day of my life.

Frasier: Hey, Dad, what are you doing here?

Martin: Oh, Sherry took her sister to that store across the street to buy some "foundation garments."

Frasier: I think they call them "bras" now.

Martin: Not these, you don't. You could cross the River Kwai on one of those babies.

The 1000th Show [5.5]

Frasier has just been approached for an autograph in Café Nervosa, and told he is “the smartest guy on the face of the earth”

Frasier: Well, one does hear tales of a certain wise man in Tibet, but why split hairs? (signs autograph, exit fan) Where was I?

Niles: You were last seen hiking up Mount Ego.

Daphne is on the phone trying desperately to renew her passport, and she feels the victim of discrimination

Daphne: No, I’m a resident alien here from England. You know, the country that used to own you people!

Martin: You’ll go right to the head of the line now(!)

Voyage of the Damned [5.6]

Martin and Eddie have just come in from the rain, and Eddie has shaken himself dry all over Frasier's recently waxed floor

Frasier: Daphne, get this canine sprinkler out of here!

Daphne: Now, don't be too cross with him, Dr. Crane. As my Mum used to say: “There’ll be no dogs in Hell.”

Frasier: I sincerely doubt that!

Carlos: Buenas noches. ¿Hablas español?

Roz: Uh, not really.

Carlos: Is no matter. I'm sure you are schooled in the... international language.

Frasier: Yes, Roz. Say something amusing in Esperanto(!)

while hiding in Maris's cabin:

Roz: I think she left, I see her coat on the hatrack.

Niles: Wait... look closer, is the hatrack moving?

Roz: OH MY GOD!

My Fair Frasier [5.7]

Frasier: You didn't tell him you were pregnant before the date?

Roz: Well, it's not the easiest thing in the world to tell someone. Besides, I was hoping my radiant glow would do the talking for me.

Frasier: Your "glow." Oh please, Roz. Do you ever think that anyone... could miss your radiant glow?

Roz: So I tell him, and he says "Fine, it's not a problem." Five minutes later, he tells me his pager is vibrating. He has an emergency. He has to go to work.

Frasier: Well, maybe he was telling the truth.

Roz: He sells wicker furniture. Who needs their end tables re-caned at 9:30 at night?

Frasier, Niles, Daphne, and Martin are in Frasier's apartment, discussing Frasier's relationship

Frasier: You know, it's funny; as much as I care for this woman, there's something about this relationship that leaves me vaguely unsettled.

Niles: I might venture a theory at which you're sure to hoot. What may be making you uncomfortable is that for the first time you find yourself in the more…submissive rôle.

Frasier: What on God's earth are you talking about?

Daphne: I think what he means is: you're the girl!

Desperately Seeking Closure [5.8]

Frasier is trying to work out why Sam broke up with him. Roz thinks he is obsessing, and tells him off

Roz: I've been down this road so many times I call it “The Roz Expressway”.

Niles: I've heard that phrase before, but in a slightly different context.

Niles establishes that Frasier was not exactly in love; just saw it as a possibility for the future

Niles: Well, no wonder you're heartbroken; you've just lost the only woman you could even possibly sometime down the line perhaps fall in love with. I'm surprised the country music people haven't jumped all over this one!

Perspectives on Christmas [5.9]

Martin is practicing his song with Frasier and Niles. There is one particularly high note giving him trouble

Niles: Why don't you start here (“Oh night”)? And I want to hear you really attack the note.

Martin attempts the phrase of music, and at the ensuing sound Eddie buries his head under a cushion

Niles: Sometimes the note sees the attack coming and retreats.

Where Every Bloke Knows Your Name [5.10]

In a flashback to Frasier and Niles at school, the pair don't think much of the lunch in the cafeteria

Young Niles: This lunch is a culinary Hindenburg!

Frasier is very quick to dismiss Daphne's suggestion of meeting her friend Claire for a date

Frasier: I would think by now that you'd know my policy on fix-ups.

Daphne: She's pretty, she's lonely and she's an underwear model.

Frasier: So you do know my policy. Off we go!

Ain't Nobody's Business If I Do [5.11]

Daphne has just told Niles and Frasier about discovering the ring

Niles: Do you know what that means?

Frasier: (ruefully) Yes! We’re going to hear what Mendelssohn’s Wedding March sounds like on the banjo!

Frasier is trying to establish whether Martin knows about Sherry’s previous marriages, by telling a falsified anecdote

Frasier: You know, Dad, I think it all hearkens back to the puritanical streak that still runs through this country. What do you think?

Martin: There's a yakkety-yak streak that runs through this family.

The Zoo Story [5.12]

Frasier: You signed with Bebe?

Roz: Okay, I know, I should've told you. I just wasn't in the mood for one of your lectures.

Frasier: I'm not going to give you a lecture. You're entitled to choose whomever you wish to represent you. Someone who's honest, or a woman whose ethics would've raised eyebrows in the court of Caligula!

[The station has hired a tough arbitrator, "The Hammer," to renegotiate everyone's contract. Gil's salary has been slashed, but Bebe and Roz come in cheering.]

Gil: How on Earth did you get all that?

Bebe: Oh, we go way back, the Hammer and I. I know where the bodies are buried.... Usually, that's just a metaphor.

Bebe confronts Frasier and presents him with a contract, promising that if he employs her again she will cut him a very good deal

Frasier: Isn't there a zebra carcass somewhere you should be hovering over?

The Maris Counselor [5.13]

Niles has broken down in tears in the middle of his therapy group. Frasier is trying to keep the patients calm by claiming it is empathy

Frasier: We've had quite a catharsis here. Now, traditionally it is the patients that make the breakthroughs, but we mustn't be sticklers.

Niles has told Frasier and Martin that he and Maris have split for good, and Martin had a failed date as well

Frasier: (Pours three glasses) Well, this may come as a small consolation to you, but I believe that you each have a lot of work to do to catch up to me in the failed romance department. Divorced twice, left at the altar once. (They down their glasses)

Martin: (Pours another three glasses) Well, I haven't exactly been burning things up lately. Things with Sherry fizzled, then Sleeping Beauty tonight. I think maybe I deserve the booby prize. (They down their glasses)

Niles: I'll challenge you. (Pours another three glasses) Fifteen years with Maris; I end up in bed with her lover.

Martin: Geez- I don't need to hear that!

Niles: No, no- it was an accident; it was pitch dark- I thought it was Maris.

Frasier: It's a natural mistake. What tipped you off?

Niles: The heat from her side of the bed! (They all laugh)

Frasier: Well, I think we have a three-way tie. Here's to the Crane Boys - love's big losers. (They clink glasses and down them)

Niles: You know, I said I needed closure. (Removes his wedding ring) I won't have it till I do one more thing. (Goes to the balcony)

Frasier: Now be careful, Niles, from this height that can hurt somebody. (He and Martin follow Niles to the balcony)

Niles: All clear. (Throws his ring off the balcony) Goodbye, Maris! You hurt me for the last time! (Goes back inside)

Martin: Niles, is that your Mercedes parked down there? (Niles turns around, comes back to the balcony and looks down) Oh well, good body shop will be able to pound that out.

(The Cranes stare at the Seattle skyline)

Frasier: Well, it's Saturday night. Here we are, again.

Martin: Wonder how many women are out there tonight without a date?

Niles: Thousands. Thousands of opportunities for us to humiliate ourselves.

Frasier: (shouts) Well, come and get us, Seattle! Three Cranes, no waiting!

Martin: We're desperate!

Frasier: We're ludicrous!

Niles: We're pathetic! (All three laugh to themselves before quieting down and staring, pensively, from the balcony. The emotional scene fades out.)

The Ski Lodge [5.14]

Maris is ruthless in her pursuit of a divorce settlement

Niles: When we were courting, I sent her a Valentine that said: "You're the girl my heart adores, everything I have is yours". Now they're calling it a pre-nup.

Frasier finds Guy waiting in Niles' bed for him to return

Guy: You are not the Crane I want!

Frasier: You're not even the sex I want!

about Annie

Niles: I grant you, she's comely, but don't you find her a tad - what would the polite euphemism be - stupid?

Frasier: Niles, she's just unschooled, like Eliza Doolittle. Find her the right Henry Higgins, she'll be ready for a ball in no time.

Niles: Leave it to you to put the "pig" back in Pygmalion.

Room Service [5.15]

Lilith: Excuse me. I'm looking for Frasier Crane. They told me he'd be here.

Roz: Lilith, it's me. Roz Doyle.

Lilith: Oh, yes, it's Frasier's fun-loving assistant...(notices she is pregnant) who's apparently had too much fun... loving.

[Lilith's husband has left her for their male contractor.]

Lilith: It's ironic, isn't it? No sooner do I get the closet of my dreams than my husband comes out of it.

Frasier: Speaking of buns I could do without, Lilith is back.

Niles: Oh, so that explains why blood was pouring from all my faucets this morning.

Frasier: Go easy on her. Her husband has left her, and get this...for a man!

Niles: Damn! I owe Dad five dollars!

Niles and Lilith wake up in Lilith's hotel room bed next to each other

Lilith: My God! What did we do? What did we do?

Niles: Well, first you put your...

Lilith: I know what we did! What do we do now?!

Niles: Let's just stay calm. These things happen, they happen every day... (losing it) every day in Arkansas! Frasier is going to kill us! Oh, why did you have to look so damned bewitching all evening?

Lilith: Why did you have to drive me home and walk me to my door?

Niles: Oh, there's no point pointing fingers. We both know why this happened; last night was simply two wounded people overcome with loneliness, confusion and...

Lilith: Tequila shooters.

Niles: (moaning) Mmm-hmm.

(A knock on the door)

Niles: (whispering) Who's that?!

Lilith: Don't panic, no one knows we're here.

Niles: I told Frasier I was driving you home.

Lilith: (panicked, whispering) Why did you do a stupid thing like that?!

Niles: Well, it wasn't stupid at the time! How did I know the minute we got in this room you'd be on me like a hawk on a titmouse!

While Frasier waits in the hotel room, Lilith stealthily informs Niles, who is hiding in the en-suite, of his brother's amorous intentions

Niles: Does the man have no scruples? He specifically asked me last night to keep him away from you. But the minute my back is turned he sneaks back here and...(catches Lilith's eye) yes, I'm aware of the irony.

Frasier caught Niles in Lilith's bathroom and stormed off; there's a knock on the door, Lilith opens the door and Frasier comes back in

Niles: I knew you couldn't stay mad at us.

Frasier: I'm in a bathrobe, you jackass! (Starts putting his pants on)

Lilith: I can understand your shock, and believe me, if I could erase everything that happened last night, I would. But, if you could just look at this rationally, just for a moment - we didn't technically do anything wrong.

Frasier: (Outraged) What? You didn't do anything wrong?!

Niles: I'm a little unclear on that myself, but I'm willing to go along with it!

Lilith: You and I are no longer married, neither is Niles. I won't say this is my shining hour, but we are not responsible to you or anyone else for our actions.

Frasier: You're actually defending what you did?!

Lilith: Just listen; the past few days have been THE worst of my life. I have never been less self-assured, or more in need of validation, both as a person and especially as a woman. Niles was feeling the same thing.

Niles: Exactly. (Realizes the woman part) Wait a minute...

Lilith: Our physical reaction to each other was nothing more than a desperate attempt to reaffirm our own worth.

Frasier: Well... that is very impressive, Dr. Sternin. But I too happen to be a psychiatrist. Let me tell you what actually transpired. This was a passive-aggressive manifestation of your deep resentments towards me. Niles, you were punishing me for my notoriety. (To Lilith) You, for my successful adjustment after our divorce. It is this shared bond that brought the two of you to your palace of sweet revenge!

Lilith: Allow me to rebut: what a crock!

Frasier: It is not!

Lilith: It is so! This is yet another example of your complete self-absorption, which is the reason we could not stay together in the first place!

Frasier: I have a right to... (realizes) Why am I defending myself?!

Niles: If you ask me, you are both off the mark. Last night was about two people, ruled by very powerful superegos - tortured by them, who found a chance - however misguided - to break through and rediscover their ids together. Call me an old softie, but that's how I see it.

Frasier: OK, then... the three of us have certainly analyzed the CRAP out of this!

Niles: Yes, where do we all go from here?

Frasier: I don't know.

Niles's cellphone rings and he goes to answer it

Lilith: (quietly) You realize that if you had simply given into me last night instead of this morning, the three of us would not be in this hell.

Frasier: No, it would be the two of us in a whole different hell!

Niles: (On the phone) Well, I don't give a damn! I've been manipulated by you jackals enough, I'll see you in court! (Ends the call) The very idea that Maris still thinks she can... (Still alert) Hey, I'm not sleepy. That conversation should have put me out like a light!

Lilith: Well, it's not surprising. Your experience with Maris has been emasculating. Last night may have gone a long way towards restoring your self-confidence.

Niles: Of course! And by the same token you can now give up the neurotic assumption that Brian left you because you are unattractive. You have ample evidence to the contrary.

Lilith: Yes, I have! (Smugly) Well, to hell with Brian! If he wants a prissy little wife, he can keep Stan!

Frasier: (Sarcastically) So, isn't this peachy! Everything's turned out just fine for everyone. You two have solved your problems, the waiter received a handsome tip, Niles and I have matching bathrobes, and looky here! It's not even nine-thirty yet! [points to watch]

Lilith: Frasier, try to understand...

Niles: Yes, what happened last night was just...

Frasier: Oh, stop it, both of you! Enough! It happened, and I'm just going to have to deal with it. (Bitter chuckle) I suppose in a twisted way there is one positive for me in this: you see, Lilith, I have never stopped desiring you - even though we are completely wrong for each other! But now, from this day forward, whenever I look at you, I will see the back of my brother's head! And that is one bucket of ice water, let me tell ya!

Lilith: You know, Frasier...

Frasier: Enough, Lilith.

Lilith: Alright. Maybe, I'll just go... have some breakfast. (Leaves to the bathroom)

Niles: Are we OK?

Frasier: No, we're not... but we will be.

Niles: Well, that's enough for now. (Waits, then perkily) We're an odd little family, aren't we?

Beware of Greeks [5.16]

Martin blames Frasier for the rift with Nikos' mother

Martin: I can't believe because of your big mouth, Zora won't even let me in her restaurant!

Frasier: Forcing you to go elsewhere when you have one of your frequent cravings for stuffed grape leaves and zither music!

Niles: It's a moot point. We're out of the family, thanks to Frasier's more-than-usually inept advice.

Martin: Can you imagine what it's like to live in the same city as your brother, and not see him for five years?

Frasier: No, but I'd like to give it a try.

Niles: [regarding their aunt Zora] Don't you remember the family legend that when Hitler invaded Greece, she joined the partisans just so she could strangle Nazis?

Frasier: I have never believed that! She would have been five years old at the time!

Niles: That's why the legends says they were strangled with jump-ropes.

The Perfect Guy [5.17]

Roz is swooning over the station's attractive new host

Roz: I can't work with a guy that handsome... No offense.

Frasier: Oh, none taken. Granted, when it comes to the looks department, Dr. Webber and I aren't in the same—

Roz: Species?

Frasier: Well, I was going to say "league," but species is so much more insulting.

Gil: I must admit, I didn't notice he was all that handsome.

Roz: You didn't notice? You of all people?

Gil: Just what are you insinuating?

Roz: Well, you know... you're a little...

Gil: For your information, I happen to be a happily married man.

Frasier: You're... married?

Bulldog: To a woman?

Gil: Of course to a woman! Well, you've all heard me mention Deb. How many times have I said, "I must run along now, Deb will be waiting!"

Roz: We thought Deb was your cat.

Gil: She is not a cat! She is Mrs. Gilbert Leslie Chesterton, a Sarah Lawrence graduate, and the owner of a very successful auto body repair shop! Honestly, the conclusions people make just because a man dresses well, and knows how to use a pastry bag! [exits in a huff]

Frasier: Well, that's the first time I've ever seen a man "in" himself.

Bad Dog [5.18]

Frasier runs into Niles in the elevator, and sees him wearing an absurd-looking grey cap

Frasier: Niles, what have we determined about your success with…impulse purchases?

Niles: Really? The salesman thought I could pull it off.

Frasier: My suggestion exactly.

Martin has taken a simple but effective approach to exposing Bulldog as a charlatan

Frasier: Aw Thanks, Dad.

Martin: Hey I'm no hero, I just wanted you to shut up.

Frasier Gotta Have It [5.19]

Frasier tells his family that he tried, and failed, to break up with Caitlin

Frasier: Why? Because I'm Frasier, and I'm a sexaholic!

Frasier tries to explain to Caitlin why he thinks things won't work out between them

Frasier: I'm basically your stuffy, buttoned down sort of guy, you're a free-spirited, adventurous mouse-painting, moon-howling sort of girl!

Roz and the Schnoz [5.21]

Martin is excited about his trip to San Francisco with Duke to retrace their steps from their shore leave there in 1952

Martin: Back then, there was no place like Frisco for a single guy cruising the streets looking for a good time.

Frasier: You know Dad, I think you'll find Frisco hasn't changed all that much.

[Roz talks about having in-laws without being married.]

Roz: That's like posing nude for your art teacher and still flunking the course. [Frasier looks shocked] Shut up. I needed the credits.

The Life of the Party [5.22]

Niles proudly shows Frasier a photograph of his new 18th-century Turkish prayer rug

Niles: Paid a fortune for it, but legend says whatever you pray for on this rug will come to you.

Frasier: Certainly worked for the dealer.

After Vickie turns him down, Frasier is rather upset. Roz has other things to worry about

Frasier: What is wrong with me? Why can't I find a single woman who's interested in me?

Roz: Those are two different questions, really, so we should just sit down and talk them both over. Oh, wait, I can't, BECAUSE I'M IN LABOR!

Party, Party [5.23]

Niles has met a woman who lives in Frasier's building, and things are going well

Niles: I'm seeing her again tonight, so you'll understand if I'm a little bit drained tomorrow during our squash game. My lovemaking can get slightly athletic.

Frasier: Which is more than can be said for your squash game.

Martin wants to take Frasier to see Chimps on Ice for his birthday; Frasier wants to stay in and watch Così fan tutte

Martin: Duke said, in the finale the whole cast skates to the top of this ramp, and then Splat! Right into a tank of whipped cream. Bet they don't do that at your opera.

Frasier: No, and Mozart's still kicking himself.

Sweet Dreams [5.24]

Niles offers to take Martin out to a new fusion restaurant. As they leave, Frasier picks up the phone

Martin: Can't wait. Where are we going, anyway?

Niles: Well... (closes the door)

Frasier: Hello, I'd like to order a large pizza, please. What toppings? Just a second. (Martin returns) Dad, what d'you want on your pizza?

Kenny: Since I fired you, I haven't been able to eat or sleep.

Frasier: Kenny, it's only been an hour and a half.