Frasier (season 3)

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Frasier was an American TV situation comedy, a spin-off of the television show Cheers, which aired from 1993–2004. It follows the life of a psychiatrist who has returned to his home town of Seattle to reconnect with his father and brother following his divorce and rebuild his life as a talk radio host and high society socialite.

She's the Boss [3.1]

When Martin learns that Frasier's new boss is a woman, he expects his son to resent the situation

Frasier: If I had trouble taking orders from a woman, Frederick would never have been conceived!

Eddie's barking at the Doberman upstairs is keeping Frasier awake. He is wearing a space collar following a recent fight

Frasier: Oh, for God's sake! I am trying to get some sleep. I asked you to keep that dog quiet, and instead you outfit him with a megaphone!

Frasier: Oh I'm sorry- was I snippy? I didn't realize it was too much to ask that there not be GUNPLAY IN MY LIVING ROOM!

Shrink Rap [3.2]

Frasier has conscripted Daphne and Martin to help him move into Niles' office

Martin: You know the best thing about gettin' old? Your hair may turn grey, your joints may stiffen, you may even have to walk with a cane…but people still ask you to help them move!

In the midst of an argument, Niles has just stormed out of his group therapy session, followed by his brother

Niles: Frasier, I have made a fist and I'm thinking of using it!

Frasier: You are not scaring me…the thumb goes on the outside, Niles! On the outside!

Martin Does It His Way [3.3]

[Frasier has arrived home to find Eddie lying on the sofa.]

Frasier: Dad? I thought we had an agreement. Eddie doesn't roll around on my sofa and I don't throw him in front of a bus.

[The Cranes are complaining about their Aunt Louise, who never liked anything, esspecially traveling]

Martin: She just sat around whining all the time about how she'd like to be in a warmer climate.

Frasier: My guess is she finally made it!

Leapin' Lizards [3.4]

Frasier has just fallen victim to one of Bulldog's practical jokes on air

Frasier: Well, that's one on me. Or rather, one on me and my call-screener, Roz, whose ancestors were once heard remarking, "Oh, what a nice wooden horse! Of course I'll sign for it."

Bulldog: [to caller] You're in the Doghouse.

Caller: Hey, am I on?

Bulldog: Yeah, take as long as you want. [hangs up and goes to the next call]

Kisses Sweeter Than Wine [3.5]

Roz: Well, when I'm handing out baloney sandwiches this weekend at the homeless shelter, it will do my heart good to know that a bunch of wealthy men are swishing two-hundred-dollar bottles of wine and spitting it into silver buckets!

Frasier: [sheepish] It's not like we don't recycle the bottles.

Frasier: I cut myself because I was shaving without water, and why was there no water? Because I had to move your chair, which gouged the floor which made me call for Joe, who found bad pipes which called for Cecil, who ate the cat who killed the rat that lived in the house that Frasier built!

Sleeping With the Enemy [3.6]

Frasier has been left to negotiate with Kate

Kate: Why are you gunning for me?

Frasier: Gunning? For you? This isn't about you; it's about what you're doing to those people. It's the shame of Seattle.

Kate: No, no. This is about your ego, which is the size of Seattle!

Frasier fumes at the thought that Kate's behavior could just be that of a femme fatale

Daphne: It's not like men have never used sex to get what they want.

Frasier: How can we possibly use sex to get what we want? Sex is what we want!

The Adventures of Bad Boy and Dirty Girl [3.7]

Niles: I have a session with my multiple personality. Not to worry: if I'm late, he can just talk amongst himself.

[day after the broadcast]

Bulldog: Doc, I got one thing to say to you...

Frasier: Go ahead, take your best shot.

Bulldog: I am so proud of you, man!

[He hugs Frasier.]

Frasier: Well, doesn't that put the cherry on the parfait(!)

The Last Time I Saw Maris [3.8]

Frasier is trying to persuade Marta to let him speak to Maris

Marta: Missy Crane say, “No you Doctor Crane, no other Doctor Crane, and no Crane with a cane!”

[Martin is giving the police a description of Maris]

Martin: Yes, thin. Make that very thin. Caucasian. Very Caucasian.

Frasier Grinch [3.9]

At the KACL Christmas party, Bulldog enters Frasier's studio wearing mistletoe over his head

Bulldog: Hey Roz, you know what's over my head?

Roz: Almost any clever remark?

[Gil bursts out laughing.]

Bulldog: [to Gil] What's she mean by that?

Frasier has been sent the wrong presents from the educational toy company

Frasier: These are for a Franklin Crane from Kennebunkport. Do you know what this means?

Niles: Yes: the Cranes of Maine have got your 'Living Brain'!

It's Hard to Say Goodbye If You Won't Leave [3.10]

Martin is writing a letter, and Niles cannot help proofreading it over his shoulder

Niles: It's best not to end a sentence with a preposition.

(Martin writes something on a piece of paper and hands it to Niles)

Niles: Not to be technical, but “off” is a preposition too.

Daphne is trying to cheer up Frasier before his date

Daphne: There's nothing quite as exciting as a first date. All those questions you ask. “What's your favorite food?” “What's your favorite color?” “If you were to come back as an animal, what sort of animal would you be?” If she were to ask you that one, what would you say?

Frasier: “Check, please” comes to mind.

The Friend [3.11]

[Niles explains why he doesn't like horse races.]

Niles: It's the jockeys, if you must know. Diminutive, underweight figures in expensive silks, wielding riding crops, just remind me too much of Maris.

Roz interrupts Frasier during his show to stop him inviting listeners to accost him in public

Frasier: I, for one, happen to believe in the kindness of strangers.

Roz: Well, I believe in the strangeness of strangers.

Come Lie With Me [3.12]

Frasier: [to Martin] Would you get Eddie off of the couch? Or else it's out to the garbage chute for the thrill ride of his life!

Frasier: Daphne, you can't go. You have to stay. I've only just recently realized how important you are to us. You see, if you go, Dad and I will kill each other. I'm not just tossing out hyperbole here. I'm speaking in the most literal sense. Dad and I — both dead! Only he'll be lying there with a bacteria-ridden sponge protruding from his mouth like a bloated tongue.

Moon Dance [3.13]

Niles: I've taken Maris to hundreds of these events and she has not once wanted to dance. Of course, Maris hates public displays of rhythm.

Martin: So this one night I invited her down to the corner bar.

Niles: Coroners have their own bar?

Martin: No. Corner, Niles — the corner bar!

The Show Where Diane Comes Back [3.14]

Frasier breaks the news of Diane's return to Niles

Frasier: She's back! The scourge of my existence!

Niles: Strange, I usually get some sign when Lilith is in town: dogs forming into packs, blood weeping down the wall…

Diane is telling a tiresome story over dinner. Martin finds an effective way to take the wind out of her sails

Diane: I suddenly discovered myself entangled in an enormous bed of…of, um…

Niles: Sea kelp?

Diane: Exactly right, sea kelp!

Martin: Oh, that's funny; I thought he said “seek help”

Frasier: I MAY BE ABLE TO ILLUMINATE THAT FOR YOU! WHAT YOU ARE FEELING IS THAT THIS WOMAN HAS REACHED INTO YOUR CHEST, PLUCKED OUT YOUR HEART, AND THROWN IT TO HER HELLHOUNDS FOR A CHEW TOY! AND IT'S NOT THE LAST TIME, EITHER. BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT THIS WOMAN IS! SHE IS THE DEVIL! IT'S NO USE RUNNING AWAY FROM HER! BECAUSE NO MATTER HOW FAR YOU GO, NO MATTER HOW MANY YEARS YOU LET PASS, YOU WILL NEVER BE COMPLETELY OUT OF REACH OF THOSE BONY FINGERS!! SO DRINK HEARTY, FRANKLIN, AND LAUGH! BECAUSE YOU HAVE MADE A PACT WITH BEELZEBUB!!! AND HER NAME IS MARY ANNE!!!

A Word to the Wiseguy [3.15]

Roz has given Niles the details of her shady contact, and Frasier thinks he is mad for even considering it

Frasier: I will not have you turning a minor, albeit annoying situation into a Martin Scorsese film!

During the scene where Jerome drops by unexpectedly

Niles: He's some hooligan who helped fix Maris's legal problem, and in return, I promised him a favor. Oh God! Do you think that's why he's here; to collect?

Frasier: No Niles, he's probably hosting a luau, and came by to borrow our poi ramekins(!)

Look Before You Leap [3.16]

Niles: You don't realize how desperate I am. Ever since our separation, I've been paying women to touch me.

Frasier: Oh, Niles.

Niles: Manicurists, pedicurists, facialists. Whenever you see a man who's well-groomed, you can bet he's not gettin' any.

Frasier: Well, will you at least think about what I've said?

Niles: I can't. She's leaving for Europe in the morning, so I have a very small window of opportunity.

Frasier: Niles, you know I'm right.

Niles: You just don't want me to have sex because you're not having any!

Frasier: [shakes a finger at him] I most certainly am too!

Niles: Your lips say yes, but your cuticles speak volumes.

Frasier: Roz, it is a wonderful day. You know, I think the entire city of Seattle is convinced it’s springtime. I was walking down the street, I passed a pet store, and in the window I could see two snakes doing a mating dance.

Roz: If you ask me, celebrating a dance that brings more snakes into the world is like toasting a law school graduation.

Frasier: It may be an unwise man who doesn't learn from his own mistakes, but it's an absolute idiot that doesn't learn from other people's.

High Crane Drifter [3.17]

Someone has just borrowed the video of How Green Was My Valley before Frasier had the chance

Frasier: Excuse me. Is there another copy?

Video Store Clerk: Oh yeah, that'd be across the street in our "How Green Was My Valley" annex(!)

Frasier delivers a brief but impassioned speech, bellowing from his balcony.

Frasier: People of Seattle, listen to me! We are not barbarians, we are not Neanderthals and we are not French! Do you hear that, you up there?!

Frasier: Chainsaw? Of the Newport Chainsaws? How does an arrested adolescent who barely knows two chords get a pent house?

Daphne: His last album sold 5 million copies.

Frasier: Ah well then, I'll just add that to my list of reasons to die.

Frasier: No matter how provoked you may have been, there is no earthly justification for <changes to next caller> setting someone's lawn on fire!

Niles: Ah, there he is! The man who floats like a lepidoptera and stings like a hymenoptera!

Chess Pains [3.18]

[Niles is reluctant to play chess with Frasier]

Niles: Maris and I used to play chess every Thursday night. Oh, how she loved the game.

Frasier: No wonder: the king is stationary, while the queen has all the power!

[Martin repeatedly defeats Frasier at chess]

Niles: There's a saying: "In every boy's life, the moment of greatest joy and greatest sorrow is when he defeats his father for the first time."

Frasier: If you're suggesting that I'm afraid to beat Dad, you can just stop right there.

Niles: O.K. The other option is, he's better than you.

Frasier: [pause] You were saying?

Crane Vs. Crane [3.19]

Mr. Safford's lawyer, John Giroux, approaches Frasier on behalf of his client

Giroux: Judge him by his words and his actions, not by how old he is.

Frasier: You sound like my father: a man who believes that burial is a form of age discrimination.

Niles arrives at Frasier's apartment. Daphne answers the door

Daphne: Oh, Dr. Crane, don't say anything about last night's boxing match. Your dad hasn't seen it yet.

Niles: Oh, I didn't even know it was boxing season.

Police Story [3.20]

Roz: Frasier, why didn't you tell me it was your birthday? I'd have thrown you a birthday party at the station.

Frasier: (through his teeth) Question asked, question answered.

[Martin has begun dating a woman that Frasier found attractive]

Frasier: Well... it's not as if we were standing side-by-side when she chose you. I was at the bar! If you'd gone to get the drinks, things would have been different.

Martin: I don't think so.

Frasier: Dad, I'm drowning here. Please, throw me a line!

Where There's Smoke There's Fired [3.21]

[Roz cannot believe how Niles spends his money]

Roz: You spend money like a drunken sailor.

Niles: She said authoritatively.

[Niles doesn't believe Bebe can quit smoking on her own]

Niles: You obviously didn't see the crazed, cunning glint in her eyes.

Frasier: She always looks like that - she's an agent.

Frasier Loves Roz [3.22]

Roz wonders what she is doing wrong, if all her friends are getting married but not she

Frasier: Well, do you want me to answer as a friend, or a therapist?

Roz: As a friend.

Frasier: See a therapist.

Frasier regrets trying to persuade Roz, and neglects to notice the on-air light behind him

Frasier: Me and my stupid advice! (sees the light)…will be with you for the next three hours, Seattle!

The Focus Group [3.23]

Martin reminds Frasier of a school play in which he appeared, which was warmly received but had one bad review

Frasier: But, you know, you would have sulked too, if you'd read in the paper, “Mr. Crane's attempts to gyrate his hips as Conrad, the teen idol in Bye Bye Birdie, made this reviewer say, ‘Bye-bye, breakfast!’ ”

Niles: That review was a mash note compared to my first draft.

On the way out to dinner with the family, Frasier pulls up outside a news stall

Frasier: There he is: the man who doesn’t like me.

Martin: I knew we should’ve taken two cars!

You Can Go Home Again [3.24]

Daphne is explaining to Frasier how tedious she finds holidays spent at home in England

Daphne: Oh, Dr. Crane, why is it so easy to love our families, yet so hard to like them?

Frasier: Well, Daphne, that is one of those questions that make life so rich…and psychiatrists richer.

Frasier is having a bad first day at KACL

Frasier: In the last week, I've uprooted myself from my home of fifteen years, moved all the way across the country away from everything I care about, and plunged myself into a frightening new career! The first few nerve-racking moments, I walk in here and find my Producer lobbying to get herself transferred to another show! Abe Lincoln had a brighter future when he picked up his tickets at the box office!