Frasier (season 9)

season of television series

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Frasier was an American TV situation comedy, a spin-off of the television show Cheers, which aired from 1993–2004. It follows the life of a psychiatrist who has returned to his home town of Seattle to reconnect with his father and brother following his divorce and rebuild his life as a talk radio host and high society socialite.

Don Juan in Hell (Part 1) [9.1]

Frasier is waiting to retrieve some lost luggage. Bob Gardner walks in. This is the first time they meet
Bob: Have you been waiting here long?
Frasier: Time is irrelevant here in the Seventh Circle of Hell.

Kirby's ex-girlfriend has just arrived unexpectedly at his graduation party, and is furious when she meets his “other lady”
Roz: I was never his lady.
Kirby: Damn, baby, that’s cold!
Kristi: She’s old enough to be your mother, practically.
Roz: Damn, baby, now that’s cold!

Don Juan in Hell (Part 2) [9.2]

Frasier is consoling Lana after Bob leaves
Lana: You are a really good f...
Frasier: Don’t. Don’t use the F word.
Lana: (laughs) I wasn’t about to! I was gonna say we’re friends!

Diane: She tried to kill me once.
Hester: Oh, not this paranoia again!
Diane: You had a gun.
The cricket in the apartment is driving Frasier insane
Frasier: Dear God, can't You make him shut up?!
Martin: That prayer doesn't get answered around here.

[Daphne knocks at the door of Niles's office]
Niles: Well, this is an unexpected treat.
Daphne: Niles, I have something to tell you.
Niles: Is it that I am the sexiest man you've ever known?
Daphne: No. I-I mean, yes, you are. That's not why I'm here.
Frasier quotes an injurious limerick about himself to Niles
Frasier: "There once was a man, Frasier Crane / Who says he can feel your pain, / But he acts like a snob / To the guys at his job / And I think he's totally lame."
Niles: That's terrible! There's a tense shift, an approximate rhyme, the scansion leaves a lot to be desired…
Frasier: Niles, you're missing the point!

Daphne has told Niles that as a child she could not pronounce her own name, so her family called her "Dappy"
Niles: Oh, Dad! You'll never guess what silly nickname Daphne was called as a child!
Martin: Is it worse than Piles?
Frasier and Niles are discussing their father, while the chair catches fire unnoticed
Frasier: You know, I've been thinking of sending him someplace.
Niles: Like to a resort?
Frasier: Like to live with you.
Niles: Oh, yes. The last resort.
Roz: It's time for another blooper.
Frasier: Ah, yes. We're up to number four, as voted by you, the listeners. Here's what happened when a certain Producer didn't realize her microphone was on during the show...
Roz: [on tape] Now what the [beep] is this? You call this a [beep] paycheck? How the [beep] am I supposed to live on this [beep]? I'm gonna have a little word with that [beep]-damn Station Manager, walking around here like he owns the mother-[beep]-ing place!
Kenny Daly: [who's entered] Can't believe that wasn't voted number one.

[Frasier is obsessing over the absence of one tape from his collection.]
Frasier: That's it. I'm quirky. I'm delightfully quirky.
Niles: Do you realize that your delightful quirk has brought your life to a standstill?
Frasier: Niles, I've just finished my two thousandth show. I'm exhausted, physically and emotionally. I believe that I am entitled to an entire weekend of doing nothing, don't you?
Niles: Do you know you have your pyjamas on backwards?
Frasier: Another delightful quirk of mine.
Niles: Not from where I'm sitting.
[When Frasier gets a lead on a missing tape.]
Frasier: I'll put on some pants.
Niles Crane: Zipper goes in front.

[Daphne is moping about losing Frasier's tape, so Martin shows her how he's covered up breaking a lot of Frasier's "treasures."]
Martin: See that fertility god over there? It used to be a lot more fertile, if you know what I mean.
Kirby: It's true. I'm a hopeless screw-up, just like my priest said!
Frasier: And screw, may I add, you!

Frasier: She took your pants, you know!
Kenny Daley: I know!
Niles: [about Martin] You're a grown man. You're still scared of him.
Frasier: Well, you're a grown man. You're still scared of him, too.
Niles: Yeah, well, at least I have a girlfriend.
Frasier: Shut up.
[Frasier has successfully argued a motion forcing Cam Winston to park his Hummer in the sub-basement, citing pollution concerns.]
Cam Winston: Listen, Crane, you may have bamboozled the condo board, but we both know you just want more room to swing your fat ass into that BMW!

Cam: You do your share of polluting with that substitute for masculinity you're driving.
Frasier: If mine's a substitute for masculinity, then what is yours?
Cam: Bigger!

Frasier: This land is rich with snow- covered mountains, sun-kissed beaches, wild untamed rivers and a, a warm loving people ready to embrace you. Immerse yourself in the spectacle and the grandeur that are these United States, this America! (a large American flag drapes over his window)
Niles: How did you do that?
Frasier: [enraged] Cam Winston!
[Frasier refuses to let Simon bring a woman into his apartment]
Simon: [to Frasier] Well, you're just a big contraceptive, aren't you?

[Frasier has been kept awake for several nights because of Cam Winston draping a giant American flag over his window]
Daphne: Still awake, Doctor Crane?
Frasier: Yes. It's almost dawn's early light... and our flag is still there.
[Frasier has just found out his mother was pregnant with him at her wedding.]
Frasier: You knew?
Niles: Well, do you remember that time I had the chickenpox? Mom told me to cheer me up.

Frasier: Excuse me, Mr. Puck?
Wolfgang Puck: [annoyed] Yes, Dr. Crane?
Frasier: It's just that, I couldn't help noticing that the crab cakes are getting a bit... brown.
Wolfgang Puck: They're getting "beautifully crunchy."
Frasier: I see. Because when I said, "brown," I actually meant more like "black," like "burned."
Wolfgang Puck: They're Cajun!

Niles: Daphne Moon, will you, and your beautiful toes and your exquisite ankles and your precious knees, elbows and arms and fingers, shoulders... [holds up the ring] Will you marry me?
Daphne: Oh, Niles! Of course, I will.
Frasier refuses to be taken in by Blaine's apparent disability
Daphne: Dr. Crane, the man is in a wheelchair.
Frasier: Which means that somewhere, someone is missing a wheelchair!

Blaine: I've started a ministry to save souls the way the Lord saved mine.
Frasier: What genius(!) The Lord! A credible partner who doesn't take a cut.

Blaine: Talk about a butt load of poetic justice.
Niles: Yes, I believe that is the basic unit of poetic justice.
Niles is trying to orchestrate a chance meeting between Frasier and Lisa in the bookshop, by sending his brother on errands
Frasier: Good Heavens, Niles, what am I? Your lackey?
Niles: No, no, no. I'm just engrossed in this "Heroes of Nas-Car."

After an argument with a shop assistant, Frasier leaves indignantly, dragged by Niles
Frasier: You know, by the way: you have an alphabetical misfile, but I'm not telling you where!
John: Well, cameras never lie and cheaters never prosper.
Frasier: And you never shut up!

Niles encourages Frederick to leave with his dignity intact, but then John Clayton scornfully says he will probably end up in a state school
Niles: How DARE you! [to Frederick] Can you take him?
Frederick: Yeah!
Niles: Then spell his ass off!
[Frasier and Niles find a skull]
Niles: Maybe it's a builder that got trapped, or an exterminator that was overcome with fumes.
Frasier: Probable solutions, Niles. However, neither is possible.
Niles: Why not?
Frasier: Because when you die, your head does not pop off like a champagne cork!

Niles: I think this rock may be the murder weapon.
Frasier: Why that rock instead of all the other rocks down there?
Niles: It's pointier.

The Love You Fake [9.20]

[The leak in Frasier's ceiling is traced to Cam Winston's laundry room in the unit above.]
Frasier: Have you ever heard of anything more... fury-inspiring!
Daphne: I certainly have not. Imagine the cheek of the man, installing an illegal washer-dryer!
Joe: Oh, they're not illegal, a lot of the units have them. You guys have a hookup in that hall closet where you keep all those hats...
[Daphne, in the middle of folding the latest load she's brought up from the basement laundry room, glares at Frasier.]
Frasier: First of all, I had completely forgotten about the hookup. Second of all, I believe the homburg is poised for a comeback!

[Daphne is angling for Frasier to buy a washer-dryer. Frasier has discovered an odd sock.]
Frasier: I will not be strong-armed by threats against my laundry!
Daphne: [unperturbed] Suit yourself. I'm off to do a load of your pinks. [exits]
Frasier: I don't have any pinks.
Daphne: [from the kitchen] You will.

Cheerful Goodbyes (9.21)

Carla snaps in the middle of her valediction speech to Cliff
Carla: (getting angrier and angrier as she talks) It sticks in my mouth like your rotten deviled eggs. I hate your guts! I hate the way you talk and talk and talk about nothing, the way you walk, your stupid white socks...
Frasier: Carla...
Carla: Knock off! I'm toasting! [to Cliff] The twenty years I have known you would have been less painful if I was covered with open sores and thrown into a pit with a bunch of diseased rats. But now, finally you're leaving, I know I'm not as young as I used to be but I can live again, I can live again! Finally I can live, I can live!! [Noticing that everybody is shocked] Anyway...God bless.

Cliff: What's goin' down, Norm?
Norm: My blood alcohol level. [to his beer] Suds, do your work.

The Guilt Trippers [9.23]

[Frasier and Roz have slept together]
Frasier: Do you know what she's going to see when she looks at me now?
Martin: Your naked body?
Frasier: Oh, dear God! I was gonna say, "Somebody who's betrayed her trust," but...oh, dear God!

Moons Over Seattle [9.24]

Niles offers to pay for Daphne's father to fly back with him to Seattle
Harry: I can't have you buying me a first-class ticket to America!
Niles: [pauses] I insist!

Harry is on the point of leaving to return home. Niles begs him to stay a little longer to spend time with Daphne
Niles: I'll put you up in a hotel.
Harry: I can't let you buy me a suite in a five-star hotel!

Niles: Mr. Moon, I'm sorry I dragged you all the way to America.
Harry: Oh, it wasn't all that bad. I got to see Daphne. And that hotel was brilliant! The towels were so fluffy I could barely close me suitcase.

Daphne: So that's how it goes: two people meet, they're together for forty years, and then all of a sudden it just ends.
Harry: But it's different for you! I mean, you've found the right person.
Daphne: You barely know him.
Harry: Well, all I know is, I threw him out of my pub six times, and six times he marched back in and yammered me ear off until, until I went back with him to America - all to make YOU happy! I never did anything like that for your mother. No no, I tell you, Daphne, you've got the right one there. A good one, you know? And another thing. [rubs his fingers together] He's worth a bob or two.