Frasier (season 11)

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Frasier was an American TV situation comedy, a spin-off of the television show Cheers, which aired from 1993–2004. It follows the life of a psychiatrist who has returned to his home town of Seattle to reconnect with his father and brother following his divorce and rebuild his life as a talk radio host and high society socialite.

No Sex Please, We're Skittish [11.01]

Frasier and Roz recall the occasion when they slept together two years previously

Frasier: I seem to recall hearing the term “stallion-like”

Roz: I never said that

Frasier: Well, one of us did!

Daphne and Niles have just read the pregnancy test

Niles: But my slow sperm...

Daphne: I must have fast eggs!

A Man, A Plan, A Gal: Julia [11.02]

Niles has observed Frasier's unfortunate dating pattern

Frasier: I'd like to strike you, of course, but you speak the truth!

Niles is encouraging Frasier to commit to commitment. Despite the glib expression, he is inspired

Frasier: I am going to call Julia, and I will not take "no" for an answer! I may have walked in here the old fault-finding, flaw-fleeing Flasier, but I leave a man committed to commitment!

Niles: [grinning] You said Flasier.

Frasier: I did not!

The Doctor Is Out [11.03]

Alistair Burke has just appeared in Café Nervosa

Frasier: He is only the head of the Seattle Opera Guild, and one of the finest directors in the world!

Niles: His productions are brilliant! He staged a Philip Glass opera last year and no one left.

Martin: Let's see. One of my sons just got picked up by a guy. My other son is jealous. Yep, life is good!

Alistair Burke: Frasier, this apartment is stunning.

Frasier: Thank you.

Alistair Burke: The view - breathtaking; the art - perfect; the chair - hilarious.

The Babysitter [11.04]

Frasier finds Ronee in the middle of her musical entertainment at the Wellington

Ronee: I'm gonna take a little break. Try not to kill yourselves from disappointment.

Both Martin and Frasier are trying to humiliate each other in a bid for Ronee's attention

Frasier: Dad, you know, you really ought to slow down there. [to Ronee] You know, at his age, one slip and it's the ICU and then it's I-see-ya later.

Martin: Well, I wouldn't worry about me, Fras'. I don't feel any older now than I did when you were parading around in your mother's heels. [everyone laughs] Of course, that was just last Christmas.

The Placeholder [11.05]

Frasier does not appreciate being set up by Roz

Frasier: I have standards. Haven't you ever heard of waiting for Miss Right?

Roz: Yeah, well, Miss Right has standards too, and she's not looking to meet Mr Mothball.

Frasier is just about to part company with Ann

Ann: Well, here we are. The awkward part.

Frasier: Oh, it's not awkward at all. I’d be delighted to pay for your cab. Here we are. (hands over money and runs)

Maris Returns [11.07]

Frasier: Welcome. Whether our journey together lasts for years or just one day, I can’t tell you how excited I am to take this first step with you.

[He says this first to the temp receptionist, then to four successive patients who all disappear within minutes]

[Niles is having a panic attack in the kitchen during the baby shower]

Martin: Calm down, Niles.

Niles: I can’t! I’m telling her another lie every time I open my mouth!

Martin: Oh, get a grip on yourself, man! It’s called marriage!

Murder Most Maris [11.08]

Niles has had a nervous breakdown and stripped naked in Café Nervosa

Waiter: I’m calling the cops!

Roz: The hell you are! This man’s tips alone have probably paid for all the pot you’ll ever smoke!

Frasier:It's as if you'd forgotten that not three days ago I was... punched in the face...by a man now dead.

He says this, changing time intervals to suit the moment, throughout the episode. Each time, everyone falls reverently silent.

Frasier: Thank you!

Guns N' Neuroses [11.09]

Frasier: I was having the most distressing dream; I was climbing up a volcano, that was spewing ice instead of lava.

Daphne: An ice volcano. I wonder what that could mean.

Frasier checks his messages

Voice on the answering machine: Hello, it's Lilith.

Frasier, Martin and Daphne: [with sudden realization] Oh, well.

Frasier’s doorbell rings in his absence. Lilith is expected

Niles: Shouldn’t you get the door?

Martin: You’re closer.

Niles: I don’t live here.

Martin: Doesn’t matter. You’re family.

Niles: So’s Daph…

Daphne: [interrupts] Oh no, you don’t!

Lilith: [from outside] Maybe if you slid me a key, I could let myself in.

Seabea Jeebies [11.10]

Roz arrives at the awards ceremony with her insufferably smug sister

Denise: Roz, are you sure this dress didn't fit you? Because I'm just swimming in it.

Roz: (to a waiter) Two Bloody Marys, please. And there's a 20 in it for you if one of them's poisoned. I don't even care which one.

High Holidays [11.11]

[Frasier has just seen Frederick’s goth girlfriend, and is reeling from the shock]

Niles: Well, at least he’s not dating outside the faith.

[Niles has just announced his rebellious plans to Frasier]

Frasier: What?!

Niles: I’ve waited for this all my life, Frasier. One act of utter, devil-may-care, crotch-grabbing brazenness! And of course, I’ll have a nurse on speed-dial in case things get too hairy.

Frasier-Lite [11.12]

A caller on Frasier’s radio show has suddenly become involved in a domestic argument

Morrie’s daughter: I’m running away from home!

Morrie: Oh, hang up the phone, Britney! You’re not going anywhere!

Frasier: [calmly] And neither is this conversation. [cuts them off]

Frasier steps onto the scales at the weigh-in on television

Presenter: Ouch! 1lb heavier, Fras’!

Frasier: That can’t be! I’ve added a salad to every meal!

The Ann Who Came to Dinner [11.13]

Martin: I just walked in on your insurance lady taking a sponge bath!

Frasier: Dear God! Which sponge?

A policeman uncovers a boudoir portrait of Niles

Policeman: What the hell is that?

Niles: (embarrassed) It's Pan, the satyr. A minor god of mischief, debauchery, and fornication.

Daphne: (smiling) That’s what our son would look like if I were a goat.

Freudian Sleep [11.14]

Niles arrives at Frasier’s place. He has had a very bad day

Niles: I need a sherry.

Frasier: Brace yourself!

Niles: [sees the empty bottle] You always think it’s going to happen to someone else.

Martin takes charge

Martin: [to Daphne] You’re gonna lose your looks? Happens to everyone. [to Frasier] You’re afraid you’re gonna end up alone? You’ll still have your family. [to Niles] You’re afraid you’re gonna be a bad father? Join the club! [to all three] Now just clam up and go to bed!

Caught in the Act [11.15]

Frasier covers Alice's ears during his conversation with Roz

Frasier: If truth be told, it's been a while since I...romped with abandon through the perfumed gardens of Eros.

Roz: Next time you say something like that, cover my ears.

Nanette is in Frasier's house and she tries to explain her disdain for carrying on her role as Nanny G

Nanette: Do you have any idea what it's like to play the same character for twenty years?!

Boo! [11.16]

[Niles is appalled when he learns the reason for his father’s heart attack.]

Niles: (to Frasier) Look at you! You just stand there with a smile on your face.

Frasier: That’s make-up, you idiot!

Frasier and Niles discuss the possibility of a future without Martin

Frasier: Now, I can’t imagine life without him.

Niles: It would be very hard to walk into this apartment and see that chair…and know that Dad wasn’t here anymore.

Frasier: Oh, I’d get rid of that chair immediately.

Coots and Ladders [11.17]

Niles does not want to get involved in undoing Frasier’s criminal activity

Frasier: Fine, I’ll do it myself! Here, hold this for me. (hands Niles the stolen item)

Niles: What for?

Frasier: [grabs it back] Now your prints are on it too, you have to help me!

Niles: Fiend!

Frasier claims that Niles is afraid of spiders…then also that he is afraid of heights…then also of crowds

Frasier: You are looking at that rarest of beasts: the arachno-acro-agoraphobe!

Match Game [11.18]

[Daphne’s doula insists on a drug-free childbirth, and Roz, as a mother, can hardly believe her ears.]

Harvest: A natural childbirth needn’t be painful.

Roz: It needn’t be, but it be!

[Daphne changes her mind about the natural birth after seeing a video of one.]

Daphne: I’m having my baby the way God intended: in a hospital, numb from the waist down!

Miss Right Now [11.19]

Niles has discovered fast food. Frasier remains unconvinced

Daphne: I guess he's got the fast food bug.

Frasier: And which one would that be? E. coli?

And Frasier Makes Three [11.20]

Frasier explains his strategy for winning Charlotte over

Frasier: I am merely going present myself as the anti-Frank.

Niles: Ah, so you’re going to be not rugged and not handsome. Interesting.

Frasier: No…

Niles: You could also be not passionate and not committed.

Frasier: Very funny.

Niles: Maybe she’d like you if you were not interesting and not informed…

Frasier: Niles!

[Charlotte has just told Frasier that she no longer remembers what she and Frank were fighting about.]

Frasier: [to Niles] You know what that means, don’t you? They had a long night of acrobatic make-up sex.

Niles: I’ve just thought of another way you could be the anti-Frank.

Detour [11.21]

Frasier offers to drive Charlotte to the station

Frasier: I've always been a sucker for that romantic movie-ending goodbye. A fog-shrouded train platform, a passionate kiss.

Charlotte: With a romantic dip.

Frasier: Yes, well, maybe I am, but there are damn few of us left.

Charlotte: (leans back) Dip. Dip.

Frasier: I had a great time with you today. With somebody else, it would’ve been a disaster.

Charlotte: With somebody else, I would’ve been in Portland.

Crock Tales [11.22]

Frasier: Roz is dropping by with someone she wanted me to meet.

Niles: Ooh, a lady friend?

Frasier: [sarcastic] No, we’re going to form a jazz trio, Niles.

[Niles is drowning his sorrows after separating from Maris]

Roz: Alice is so cute! She fell asleep hugging her bottle.

Niles: I’m right behind her!

Goodnight, Seattle [11.23-24]

Charlotte is cooking dinner with Frasier

Charlotte: We’re such a cliché: the little woman at the stove, the big rugged man with his brawny arm…

Frasier: [interrupts] Oh, the hollandaise is breaking!

Frasier: I've had enough easy goodbyes, I'm kind of glad to have the chance to have another tough one.

[After spending time with Daphne’s brothers, Niles is worried about his child]

Niles: The idea that our son might take after them is making me crazy!

Frasier: Now Niles, just remember, those hearty Crane genes are in there, too.

Niles: Oh, please. Those Moon genes have probably beaten our genes up and stolen their lunch money!

Frasier: [Last lines on his KACL talk show] For eleven years you've heard me say, "I’m listening." Well, you were listening, too. And for that I am eternally grateful. Goodnight, Seattle.

Flight Attendant: “Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Chicago...”

Frasier:[Last Lines, to Anne] Wish me luck. [Fades to black]