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Ted 2

2015 film by Seth MacFarlane

Ted 2 is a 2015 American comedy film and the sequel to Ted.

In this film, Ted is declared property by the state and struggles to get his rights as a human.

Directed by Seth MacFarlane. Written by Seth MacFarlane, Alec Sulkin, and Wellesley Wild.
Thunder Buddies For Life.

Ted

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  • Sittin' out here in a public, jerkin' off? Where do you think you are, Red Lobster?

Dialogue

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[after the opening credits; One year later at night time, Ted is at his apartment with Tami-Lynn.]
Ted: [reading his paper] Hey, I'm starving. What the hell are you doing over there?
Tami-Lynn: [at the stove] I'm curing cancer. I'm cooking your fucking steak. What do you think I'm doing?
Ted: What do I think you're doing? I think you're bleeding us dry, is what I think you're doing. Look at this, look at this: $129 at Filene's Basement. What are you buying over there, Tami? Gold bars?
Tami-Lynn: I need clothes for work, all right, Teddy?
Ted: You wear a smock. You're a fucking cashier.
Tami-Lynn: Yeah? So are you.
Ted: Yeah, exactly, and I'm not going out and buying designer shit.
Tami-Lynn: Oh, no, no, no, no! You're just buying weed. You're just buying drugs. You should fucking talk!
Ted: I was talking. I was just talking, just now, until you interrupted me.
Tami-Lynn: Well, I have to interrupt you or else I never get to fucking say anything!
Ted: Are you gonna let me finish talking?
Tami-Lynn: You're always cutting me off!
Ted: Are you gonna let me finish talking?
Tami-Lynn: It's important to look good at work, okay?
Ted: Are you gonna let me finish talking?
Tami-Lynn: I am trying to climb the corporate fence here!
Ted: Nobody's in there to look at your ass!
Tami-Lynn: You're acting like an asshole, all right?!
Ted: Oh, what am I actin' like, Tami?! What am I acting like?!
Tami-Lynn: Like an asshole! That's what you're acting like!
Ted: You don't gotta dress like Elizabeth Taylor to put a yam in a plastic bag!
Tami-Lynn: I am the face of the business, okay? So get the fuck off my case!
Ted: The face of the business? Jesus Christ! Listen to you! You're delusional!
Tami-Lynn: I should've married Robert DiCicco. I really should've.
Ted: Fine! Fine! Go torture that asshole!
Tami-Lynn: He treated me good. And... [mock gasps] He had a dick! He had an awesome dick!
Ted: Oh, newsflash: Boston whore has seen Italian penis!
Tami-Lynn: What the fuck did you just call me?! Fucker?! [angrily throws the pan at Ted]
Ted: I said, "Boston--" [avoids getting hit by pan; shocked] Jesus! What the fuck?!
Tami-Lynn: You wanna call me a "whore"?! [throws a toaster, but Ted avoids it]
Ted: You wanna throw shit?!
Tami-Lynn: Yeah, I wanna fucking throw shit!
Ted: I'll fucking throw shit! [angrily throws at the bottle, breaking it] There, see?! How do you like that?! [angrily tips the table]
Tami-Lynn: [sarcastically] Oh, I'm scared, Teddy! I'm really fucking of you, you little fucking bear!
Neighbor: [from outside] Shut the fuck up!
Ted: [hears a neighbor] Oh, for Christ's sake. [opens the window and yells] Hey, you shut the fuck up!
Neighbor: Why don't you come down and make me, tough guy?!
Ted: Yeah, why don't you come up here and make me come down there, tough guy?!
Neighbor: I am gonna come up there, and I'm gonna kick your fucking ass!
Ted: Why don't you try it, asshole? Get your ass up here and kick my ass!
[They hear another neighbor, who is yelling in a foreign language.]
Neighbor: Shut the fuck up, you stupid bitch!
Ted: Hey, shut up, lady!
Neighbor: Run the fuck back to Russia, you whore!
Ted: This is a classy neighborhood! People are trying to sleep!
Neighbor: Shut the fuck up! [Another neighbor closes the window; to Ted] Hey, I'm really sorry!
Ted: Yeah, me too.
Neighbor: She's worse than us.
Ted: Yeah, she's our enemy now.
John: I mean, have you guys at least tried marriage therapy?
Ted: God, yeah, it was a friggin' disaster. $250 and we didn't learn a goddamn thing.
Ted: Are you fucking kidding me?
John: What?
Ted: What do you mean 'what'? After hours? Jesus, Johnny, she totally wants to sleep with you!
John: I'm not into it.
Ted: John, you've been saying that for the past year and a half about every chick who throws herself at you. You gotta get back in the game, man.
John: Don't start this shit, alright? I wasted six years of my life with the wrong girl and I got burned. Not gonna make that same mistake again.
Ted: Jesus, Johnny, you don't gotta marry Allison. You just gotta bang her and maybe pee on her a little.
John: What?
Ted: It's always good to find new ways to surprise your lover.
Customer: Hey.
Ted: Hello.
Customer: I'd, uh, like to ask a few questions about this breakfast cereal.
Ted: Uh, yeah. Yeah. A box of Trix?
Customer: Yes, that's right. I've been led to understand that Trix are exclusively for children. Is that correct?
Ted: Well, I mean they say, uh, "Trix are for kids," in the commercials, so-
Customer: Uh-huh, uh-huh. And is that enforced by law?
Ted: Uh, not to my knowledge, no.
Customer: So if I purchase these Trix, there'll be no trouble?
Ted: No, no, you-you should be fine.
Customer: You do understand that I myself am not a child?
Ted: Uh, I was able to sniff that out, yeah.
Customer: Okay, I'm gonna bring these back to my apartment.
Ted: Uh, yeah, you'll be okay.
Customer: And, uh, I won't be followed?
Ted: Uh, no, that's not in our budget here.
Customer: Hey, I won't forget what you've done for me here today.
Ted: I would prefer that you do. Jesus Christ.
Frank: You had sexual intercourse on a pile of raw hamburger meat that we're supposed to sell to the public for their Fourth of July barbecues.
Ted: I banged her with a pack of Freedent Gum. Then I put it back on the shelf and a senior citizen bought it.
Frank: That took guts. We need guts. I'm naming the store after you.
Ted: Shit. I can never get a signal in your apartment. Hey, can I use your laptop?
John: Yeah, go ahead.
Ted: Okay, thanks. [slides off the couch and walks into another room, then five seconds later, offscreen, yelling in shock] WHAT THE FUCK?!
John: Holy shit, dude! What's the matter?! What happened?! What's going on?!
Ted: [views John's laptop] There's so much porn!
John: Well, what the hell are you doin' lookin' at my private shit?!
Ted: What are you talking about, "private shit"?! Johnny, it was wide open! There are literally thousands of files here!
John: Well, I've been meanin' to clear some of that out!
Ted: Jesus Chri--! Look at the organization here! "Clockwise Rim Job"? "Counter-clockwise Rim Job"?
John: Yeah, well, sometimes you like seein' the tongue go the other way!
Ted: You sick bastard! Look at this! "Chicks With Dicks"?!
John: [breaks down] Oh, my God! Oh, my God! I have a disease, all right?! I need help!
Ted: There are no chicks with dicks, Johnny! Only guys with tits!
John: Well, this is such a relief! You know, I'm so glad I'm finally caught! I wanted to be caught!
Ted: Johnny, now you listen to me. This is a wake-up call, all right? You gotta get back out there, and meet somebody, because you are spiraling outta control here.
John: All right, all right. I will. Fine. Just stop lookin' at that shit, please!
Ted: Johnny, I mean it, all right? The next chick you meet, you are gettin' back in the game. [closes John's laptop]
John: Fine. I got it. Done.
Ted: All right. Now let's get rid of this.
John: What, what do you mean? We'll just delete the files.
Ted: No, no, no, no. That shit can always be recovered. We gotta smash your laptop with a hammer.
[they smash John's laptop outside with a hammer and a crowbar]
John: All right, there, you happy?
Ted: No, the circuits could still be reconstructed if somebody worked at it. We gotta bury it in the harbor.
[he and John bury the pieces of the laptop, contained within a plastic bag, in the harbor]
Ted: Okay. We'll come back once every three months, take a dive, and check on it.
[a library full of sperm samples falls over John, spilling everything]
John: FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! Oh, my God! It's in my eyes! I'm blinkin' it in! [to Ted] You gotta fuckin' help me! Oh, my God! It's in my fuckin' mouth!
Ted: Wait, hang on. I gotta post this on Facebook.
John: NO!!!
[Ted snaps a photograph of him]
Ted: [types on his phone] #GrrrMondays.
[a nurse walks in]
Nurse: Oh, my God!
John: Look, I'm so sorry! I'm so sorry!
Ted: We swear to God, it was an accident! We're so sorry!
Nurse: Well, I guess it's all right. Those are the rejected sickle cell samples.
Ted: Oh, ya hear that, Johnny? You're covered in rejected black guy sperm. You look like a Kardashian.
John: Fuck!
[after Ted is fired from the grocery store, realized he is not a person]
Ted: [reading notes from mail] "Dear Ted, your Chase Bank account has been terminated due to a lack of citizenship." "Dear Ted, your Discover card has been revoked." "Dear Ted, you are no longer a Papa Gino's rewards member." Fuck, that's a big one.
Tami-Lynn: [sad; looking at baby's shoes] This poor baby booty. It's always gonna be empty. There's never gonna be a little foot in here.
Ted: I don't understand. We would have made such great parents.
Tami-Lynn: [discovers a note] Oh, my God. Oh, my God, Teddy!
Ted: [takes his reading glasses off] What? What's wrong?
Tami-Lynn: Look at this. [reads it] "Dear Ted, the state of Massachusetts regrets to inform you that due to an oversight regarding your legal status, your marriage to Tami-Lynn McCafferty is unrecognized by the state, and, therefore, invalid and hereby annulled." Teddy, can they do this to us?
Ted: [snatches the note] Let me see that. [reads it, and feels shocked at it] This is a nightmare.
Ted: What's your middle name?
Samantha: Leslie.
Ted: Oh, my god! You're Sam L. Jackson!
John: That's great! I mean, just like Sam(uel) L. Jackson.
Samantha: Who is that?
Ted: You ever seen any movie ever? He's the black guy.
[Ted and John smoke from a bong with Samantha]
John: That weed's really good. Reminds me of the strain I smoked last summer called, "Here Comes Autism."
Ted: Yeah, I was just going to say, it's sort of like this other batch we had called, "How Long Has That Van Been There?"
Samantha: No, it's this new strain my dealer gave me called, "Help Me Get Home."
Samantha: All right, I got Dred Scott vs. Sandford, Plessy vs. Ferguson, and Brown vs. The Board of Education.
John: I got Kramer vs. Kramer, Alien vs. Predator, and Freddy vs. Jason.
Ted: I got, uh, Ernest Goes to Camp, Ernest Goes to Jail, and The Importance of Being Earnest, which was very disappointing.
Samantha: Okay, I'm gonna ask you a few test questions. Are you ready?
Ted: Yup, bring it on.
Samantha: You're on the stand, the D.A. says "Ted, do you consider yourself to be human?"
Ted: Objection!
John: Sustained!
Samantha: No, the witness can't object.
John: Overruled.
Ted: Sidebar.
John: Guilty!
Ted: Speculation.
John: Hearsay!
Ted: Bailiff.
John: Briefcase.
Ted: Disregard.
John: In my chambers.
Ted: Stop beavering the witness.
John: I rest.
Ted: We could totally be lawyers.
John: Bang.
John: Skywalker, Solo, Vader, Kenobi, Palpatine, Calrissian, Balboa, Rambo, Griswold, Stepford, Bickle, Gump, Corleone, Wonka, Lebowski, Venkman, Spengler, Stantz, Rizzo, Zuko, Golighty, Higgins, Dolittle, Poppins, Bond, Blofeld, Blutarsky, Soze, O'Hara, Butler, McFly, Plissken, Ventura, Burgundy, Scissorhands, Drebin, Bueller, Lecter, Dumbledore, Sparrow, Doubtfire, Bourne, Von Trapp, Zoolander, Kirk, Spock, McCoy--
Ted: Clubber Lang.
John: FUCKING--
Samantha: What's a Clubber Lang?
Ted: "What's a Clubber Lang"?
John: Mr. T's character in Rocky III, hello?
Samantha: Is that the boxing movies?
Ted: "The boxing movies"?! You've never seen Rocky? You know, [vocalizes the Rocky theme song]. You know, Rocky.
Samantha: I'm not gonna think about a movie I've never seen just because you sing a song I've never heard.
John: Jesus, you don't know Samuel L. Jackson, you don't know Rocky. You are literally pop culture illiterate.
Samantha: I have a college degree. My pop culture references are Hamlet, Achilles and Dorian Gray. Ever heard of those guys?
Ted: No, but I'm pretty sure Mr. T could kick their asses.
John: Yeah, Sam, you need to be educated.
Samantha: Oh, really? Can either of you tell me who wrote The Great Gatsby?
John: Judy Blume?
Ted: Hitler?
Samantha: F. Scott Fitzgerald.
John: Who's that?
Samantha: The author.
John: Well, why are you saying fuck him?
Samantha: What?
Ted: You just said F. Scott Fitzgerald. I mean, what would Scott Fitzgerald do to you?
John: Yeah.
Samantha: No, that's his first name.
Ted: [confused] His name's "Fuck Scott Fitzgerald"?
Samantha: What? No!
John: Well, what does the "F" stand for?
Samantha: Francis. (Therefore, his full name is Francis Scott Key Fitzgerald.)
Ted: No, it's got to be "Fuck".
John: It must be "Fuck".
Ted: It's got to be "Fuck".
John: It has to be "Fuck".
Samantha: Why the hell would it be "Fuck"?
John: Well, 'cause otherwise, why wouldn't he just say it?
Ted: Yeah, he's hiding something. It's "Fuck". It's "Fuck," it's "Fuck."
Samantha: That's completely insane. You guys are idiots.
Ted: Yeah, well, whatever. Ted Clubber Lang. Get used to it.
Ted: Johnny, it may be time to play the Beetlejuice card.
John: What do you mean?
Ted: I mean saying his name three times. Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, Beetle...
John: Shut up! Are you fucking crazy? We don't want that guy running around here!
Ted: No, John, he'll be on our side. He'll help us. Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, Beetle...
John: You are messing with powers you do not understand, all right? Cut the shit!
Samantha: You know what we're gonna do? We're gonna call Patrick Meighan.
Ted: Who's that?
Samantha: He is the top civil rights attorney in America.
John: Isn't he the one who got that female midget into the Marines?
Ted: Oh yeah. That had a sad ending, though. You remember? She was at a Veteran's Day parade, somebody handed her a bunch of balloons, and then whoosh! Gone. Very sad. Very sad for the family.
Samantha: If anybody can get this verdict overturned, it's him. He's not cheap, but we've become such a high profile case, he might be willing to take it pro bono. He's a sucker for media.
Ted: Johnny, did you see that? She was totally giving you the "fuck me" eyes.
John: No, she wasn't.
Ted: She was giving you the "fuck me" eyes!
Samantha: What are the "fuck me" eyes?
Ted: Some women just have "fuck me" eyes.
Samantha: Do I have "fuck me" eyes?
Ted: No, you have "Give us the ring, my precious" eyes.
[after crashing their car, Ted, John and Samantha spend the night at a nearby weed farm]
John: Please tell me that's not the only bong you brought on this trip.
[we see Sam lighting up a bong shaped like a penis]
Ted: Yeah, Sam, this puts us in kind of an awkward position. We wanna get high too.
Samantha: Isn't this hilarious? I got it at a bachelorette party. So stupid. Here.
John: Uh, no thanks. I don't wanna put a big glass cock in my mouth.
Samantha: Oh, you think this is big?
Ted: Haha! Johnny, you walked right into that one.
John: You're really smart, you know that? How come you don't have a guy?
Samantha: Dude, have you seen the guys in Boston? I'm supposed to date some pale blotchy guy with a wife-beater under his Bruins jacket and a shamrock tattoo on his calf? Nope.
John: [chuckles] Yeah. Stupid.
[John surreptitiously pulls up his sock to hide the shamrock tattoo on his ankle. Ted walks out of the barn with a cowboy hat on his head, carrying a rifle in one hand a guitar in the other]
Ted: I couldn't find any soda cans, but I gotta tell you, there's some awesome shit in that barn.
[Ted aims the rifle off to the side]
John: Whoa, be careful with that.
Ted: No, it's okay. It's not loaded-
[As he pulls the trigger, the rifle fires and the kickback throws Ted backwards]
Ted: [offscreen] And my fuckin' nose came off.
Patrick Meighan: Ted, you're special. You could have been an inspiration to the world. You could have been a leader, a role model. Instead, you're... Justin Bieber.
Ted: Fuck you!
Samantha: Ted!
Ted: Sorry. Sorry.
Patrick Meighan: There's just no indication that you've had any positive effect on the world around you.
John: That's not true. He's had a positive effect on me.
Patrick Meighan: Would that positive effect include your joint arrest in 2003 for possessing marijuana?
John: Well, how the fuck do you prepare for a Foo Fighters concert?
Ted: So that's it. I'm property. No rights, no nothing.
John: Ted, dude, I'm so sorry, man. This completely sucks.
Samantha: I feel terrible. I let you guys down all over again.
John: Hey. You didn't let us down, Sam. You did your best. And look, regardless of all this shit, you're still the best thing that's happened to me in a long time. [he and Sam kiss]
Ted: [angrily and sarcastically] Oh... Oh, that's great. That's fucking great. I'm glad you guys are so happy!
John: What?
Ted: What do you mean, "What?" I'm totally screwed here, and you're sitting there basically banging my lawyer, and she's probably still fucking billing us!
John: Don't yell at us, dude. We didn't do anything.
Ted: Yeah, exactly. Exactly. Maybe if you guys had spent a little less time mooning over each other... Sam could've won this case, and I wouldn't be a fucking thing, like garbage or a piece of shit.
John: Hey. We've been fighting right alongside you the whole way. And remember, you're the one who's been pushing me to get back on the horse. I finally meet someone, and you're giving me shit for it?
Ted: Oh, no. You're right. No, Johnny, it's fine. You're right, it's fine. It's totally fine. I got no job, no marriage and no life! But you have fun porking Gollum here while I'm left with shit.
John: Ted!
Samantha: Who's Gollum?
John: She's a model. Ted, come back.
Ted: Leave me alone!
Donny: You know... I really love that Neil Diamond. Especially that song they play at the, uh, the (Boston) Red Sox games. It's just so infectious. You just can't help but sing along. [starts singing] ♪ Hands, touching hands, reaching out. Touching me, touching you. Sweet Caroline. ♪
Ted: [suddenly sings out due to temptation] ♪ Bah bah bah! ♪ FUCK! [Donny jumps to grab Ted and starts punching him] Crazy son-of-a-bitch!
Vendor: Hey! What are you doin' to that bear?
Donny: I'm sorry, I, uh--
Vendor: You better be planning on buying that.
Donny: He just reminds me of when I was a kid.
Vendor: Yeah, that's great. $40.
Donny: Okay. [Donny grabs cash] $40, here. [Vendor takes cash]
Film Executive: The new Superman is... Jonah Hill!
John: FUCK!
[last lines]
Ted: [offscreen, disgusted] Oh! Fuck me!
Tami-Lynn: What's the matter?
Ted: That can't be normal! He's gotta be sick!
Tami-Lynn: He's not sick; it's just baby doodie.
John: Yeah, that's what babies do, Teddy.
Ted: Oh, you don't think this diaper's gross?
John: No.
Ted: All right, here, catch. [throws diaper at John, offscreen, and a squish is heard]
John: [disgusted] OH, TEDDY! WHAT THE FUCK?! [everyone screams in disgust; Ted laughs] HOLY SHIT! OH, YOU MOTHERFUCKER!
Ted: [takes photo of John, offscreen] [typing] Hashtag, #shithappens.

Cast

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  Encyclopedic article on Ted 2 on Wikipedia


 
  ted (2012) · ted2 (2015)  
Seth MacFarlane
  Television     Animated TV series     Family Guy  (1999–2003, 2005–present) · American Dad!  (2005–present) · The Cleveland Show  (2009–13)
  Live‑action TV series     Cosmos: A Spacetime Odyssey  (2014)
  Television hosting     Saturday Night Live  (2012)
  Films     Ted  (2012) · A Million Ways to Die in the West  (2014) · Ted 2  (2015)  
  See also     The Life of Larry and Larry & Steve
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