Ted 2
2015 film by Seth MacFarlane
Ted 2 is a 2015 American comedy film and the sequel to Ted.
In this film, Ted is declared property by the state and struggles to get his rights as a human.
- Directed by Seth MacFarlane. Written by Seth MacFarlane, Alec Sulkin, and Wellesley Wild.
Thunder Buddies For Life.
Ted
edit- Sittin' out here in a public, jerkin' off? Where do you think you are, Red Lobster?
Dialogue
edit- Frank: You had sexual intercourse on a pile of raw hamburger meat that we're supposed to sell to the public for their Fourth of July barbecues.
- Ted: I banged her with a pack of Freedent Gum. Then I put it back on the shelf and a senior citizen bought it.
- Frank: That took guts. We need guts. I'm naming the store after you.
- [after the opening credits; One year later at night time, Ted is at his apartment with Tami-Lynn.]
- Ted: [reading his paper] Hey, I'm starving. What the hell are you doing over there?
- Tami-Lynn: [at the stove] I'm curing cancer. I'm cooking a fucking steak. What do you think I'm doing?
- Ted: What do I think you're doing? I think you're bleeding us dry, is what I think you're doing. Look at this, look at this: $129 at Filene's Basement. What are you buying over there, Tami? Gold bars?
- Tami-Lynn: I need clothes for work, all right, Teddy?
- Ted: You wear a smock. You're a cashier.
- Tami-Lynn: Yeah? So are you.
- Ted: Yeah, exactly! And I'm not going out and buying designer!
- Tami-Lynn: Oh, no, no, no, no! You're just buying weed. You're just buying drugs. You should fucking talk!
- Ted: I was talking. I was just talking, just now, until you interrupted me.
- Tami-Lynn: Well, I have to interrupt you or else I never get to freaking say anything!
- Ted: Are you gonna let me finish talking?
- Tami-Lynn: You're always cutting me off!
- Ted: Are you gonna let me finish talking?
- Tami-Lynn: It's important to look good at work, okay?
- Ted: Are you gonna let me finish talking?
- Tami-Lynn: I am trying to climb the corporate fence here!
- Ted: Nobody's in there to look at your!
- Tami-Lynn: You're acting like an asshole, all right?!
- Ted: Oh, what am I actin' like, Tami?! What am I acting like?!
- Tami-Lynn: Like an asshole! That's what you're acting like!
- Ted: You don't get to dress like Elizabeth Taylor to put a yam in a plastic bag!
- Tami-Lynn: I AM THE FACE OF THE BUSINESS, OKAY?!
- Ted: THE FACE OF THE BUSINESS?! JESUS CHRIST! Look at you! You're delusional!
- Tami-Lynn: I should've married Robert DiCicco. I really should've.
- Ted: Fine! Fine! Go torture that asshole!
- Tami-Lynn: He treated me good. And... [gasps in delightful] He had a dick! He had an awesome dick!
- Ted: Oh, and newsflash: Boston whore has seen Italian penis!
- Tami-Lynn: [gets angry] What the fuck did you just call me?! Fucker?! [angrily throws the pan at Ted]
- Ted: I said, "Boston--" [avoids getting hit by pan; shocked] WHAT THE FUCK?!
- Tami-Lynn: You wanna call me a "whore"?! [throws a toaster, but Ted avoids it]
- Ted: You wanna throw shit?!
- Tami-Lynn: Yeah, I wanna fucking throw shit!
- Ted: I'll fucking throw shit! [angrily throws at the bottle, breaking it] There, see?! How do you like that?! [angrily tips the table]
- Tami-Lynn: [frightened] Oh, I'm scared, Teddy! I'm really fucking of you, you little fucking bear!
- Neighbor: [from outside] Shut the fuck up!
- Ted: [hears a neighbor] Oh, for Christ's sake. [opens the window and yells] Hey, you shut the fuck up!
- Neighbor: Why don't you come up here and make me come down there, tough guy?!
- Ted: Yeah, why don't you come up here and make me come down there, tough guy?!
- Neighbor: I am gonna come up there, and I'm gonna kick your fucking ass!
- Ted: Yeah, I want you to try, asshole, Get your ass up here and kick my ass!
- [They hear another neighbor, who is yelling in gibberish.]
- Neighbor: Shut the fuck up, you stupid bitch!
- Ted: Hey, shut up, lady!
- Neighbor: Run the fuck back to Russia, you whore!
- Ted: This is a classy neighborhood! People are trying to sleep!
- Neighbor: Shut the fuck up! [Another neighbor closes the window; to Ted] Hey, I'm really sorry!
- Ted: Yeah, me too.
- Neighbor: She's worse than us.
- Ted: Yeah, she's our enemy now.
- Customer: Hey.
- Ted: Hello.
- Customer: I'd, uh, like to ask a few questions about this breakfast cereal.
- Ted: Uh, yeah. Yeah. A box of Trix?
- Customer: Yes, that's right. I've been led to understand that Trix are exclusively for children. Is that correct?
- Ted: Well, I mean they say, uh, "Trix are for kids," in the commercials, so-
- Customer: Uh-huh, uh-huh. And is that enforced by law?
- Ted: Uh, not to my knowledge, no.
- Customer: So if I purchase these Trix, there'll be no trouble?
- Ted: No, no, you-you should be fine.
- Customer: You do understand that I myself am not a child?
- Ted: Uh, I was able to sniff that out, yeah.
- Customer: Okay, I'm gonna bring these back to my apartment.
- Ted: Uh, yeah, you'll be okay.
- Customer: And, uh, I won't be followed?
- Ted: Uh, no, that's not in our budget here.
- Customer: Hey, I won't forget what you've done for me here today.
- Ted: I would prefer that you do. Jesus Christ.
- Ted: Shit. I can never get a signal in your apartment. Hey, can I use your laptop?
- John: Yeah, go ahead.
- Ted: Okay, thanks. [slides off the couch and walks into another room, then five seconds later, offscreen, yelling in shock] WHAT THE FUCK?!
- John: Holy shit, dude! What's the matter?! What happened?! What's going on?!
- Ted: [views John's laptop] There's so much porn!
- John: Well, what the hell are you doin' lookin' at my private shit?!
- Ted: What are you talking about, "private shit"?! Johnny, it was wide open! There are literally thousands of files here!
- John: Well, I've been meanin' to clear some of that out!
- Ted: Jesus Chri--! Look at the organization here! "Clockwise Rim Job"? "Counter-clockwise Rim Job"?
- John: Yeah, well, sometimes you like seein' the tongue go the other way!
- Ted: You sick bastard! Look at this! "Chicks With Dicks"?!
- John: [breaks down] Oh, my God! Oh, my God! I have a disease, all right?! I need help!
- Ted: There are no chicks with dicks, Johnny! Only guys with tits!
- John: Well, this is such a relief! You know, I'm so glad I'm finally caught! I wanted to be caught!
- Ted: Johnny, now you listen to me. This is a wake-up call, all right? You gotta get back out there, and meet somebody, because you are spiraling outta control here.
- John: All right, all right. I will. Fine. Just stop lookin' at that shit, please!
- Ted: Johnny, I mean it, all right? The next chick you meet, you are gettin' back in the game. [closes John's laptop]
- John: Fine. I got it. Done.
- Ted: All right. Now let's get rid of this.
- John: What, what do you mean? We'll just delete the files.
- Ted: No, no, no, no. That shit can always be recovered. We gotta smash your laptop with a hammer.
- [they smash John's laptop outside with a hammer and a crowbar]
- John: All right, there, you happy?
- Ted: No, the circuits could still be reconstructed if somebody worked at it. We gotta bury it in the harbor.
- [he and John bury the pieces of the laptop, contained within a plastic bag, in the harbor]
- Ted: Okay. We'll come back once every three months, take a dive, and check on it.
- [a library full of sperm samples falls over John, spilling everything]
- John: FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! Oh, my God! It's in my eyes! I'm blinkin' it in! [to Ted] You gotta fuckin' help me! Oh, my God! It's in my fuckin' mouth!
- Ted: Wait, hang on. I gotta post this on Facebook.
- John: NO!!!
- [Ted snaps a photograph of him]
- Ted: [types on his phone] #GrrrMondays.
- [a nurse walks in]
- Nurse: Oh, my God!
- John: Look, I'm so sorry! I'm so sorry!
- Ted: We swear to God, it was an accident! We're so sorry!
- Nurse: Well, I guess it's all right. Those are the rejected sickle cell samples.
- Ted: Oh, ya hear that, Johnny? You're covered in rejected black guy sperm. You look like a Kardashian.
- John: Fuck!
- [after Ted is fired from the grocery store, realized he is not a person]
- Ted: [reading notes from mail] "Dear Ted, your Chase Bank account has been terminated due to a lack of citizenship." "Dear Ted, your Discover card has been revoked." "Dear Ted, you are no longer a Papa Gino's rewards member." Fuck, that's a big one.
- Tami-Lynn: [sad; looking at baby's shoes] This poor baby booty. It's always gonna be empty. There's never gonna be a little foot in here.
- Ted: I don't understand. We would have made such great parents.
- Tami-Lynn: [discovers a note] Oh, my God. Oh, my God, Teddy!
- Ted: [takes his reading glasses off] What? What's wrong?
- Tami-Lynn: Look at this. [reads it] "Dear Ted, the state of Massachusetts regrets to inform you that due to an oversight regarding your legal status, your marriage to Tami-Lynn McCafferty is unrecognized by the state, and, therefore, invalid and hereby annulled." Teddy, can they do this to us?
- Ted: [snatches the note] Let me see that. [reads it, and feels shocked at it] This is a nightmare.
- Ted: What's your middle name?
- Samantha: Leslie.
- Ted: Oh, my god! You're Sam L. Jackson!
- John: That's great! I mean, just like Sam(uel) L. Jackson.
- Samantha: Who is that?
- Ted: You ever seen any movie ever? He's the black guy.
- [Ted and John smoke from a bong with Samantha]
- John: That weed's really good. Reminds me of the strain I smoked last summer called, "Here Comes Autism."
- Ted: Yeah, I was just going to say, it's sort of like this other batch we had called, "How Long Has That Van Been There?"
- Samantha: No, it's this new strain my dealer gave me called, "Help Me Get Home."
- John: Skywalker, Solo, Vader, Kenobi, Palpatine, Calrissian, Balboa, Rambo, Griswold, Stepford, Bickle, Gump, Corleone, Wonka, Lebowski, Venkman, Spengler, Stantz, Rizzo, Zuko, Golighty, Higgins, Dolittle, Poppins, Bond, Blofeld, Blutarsky, Soze, O'Hara, Butler, McFly, Plissken, Ventura, Burgundy, Scissorhands, Drebin, Bueller, Lecter, Dumbledore, Sparrow, Doubtfire, Bourne, Von Trapp, Zoolander, Kirk, Spock, McCoy--
- Ted: Clubber Lang.
- John: FUCKING--
- Samantha: Can either of you tell me who wrote The Great Gatsby?
- John: Judy Blume?
- Ted: Hitler?
- Samantha: F. Scott Fitzgerald.
- John: Who's that?
- Samantha: The author.
- John: Well, why are you saying fuck him?
- Samantha: What?
- Ted: You just said F. Scott Fitzgerald. I mean, what would Scott Fitzgerald do to you?
- John: Yeah.
- Samantha: No, that's his first name.
- Ted: [confused] His name's "Fuck Scott Fitzgerald"?
- Samantha: What? No!
- John: Well, what does the "F" stand for?
- Samantha: Francis. (Therefore, his full name is Francis Scott Key Fitzgerald.)
- Ted: No, it's got to be "Fuck".
- John: It must be "Fuck".
- Ted: It's got to be "Fuck".
- John: It has to be "Fuck".
- Samantha: Why the hell would it be "Fuck"?
- John: Well, 'cause otherwise, why wouldn't he just say it?
- Ted: Yeah, he's hiding something. It's "Fuck". It's "Fuck," it's "Fuck."
- Samantha: That's completely insane. You guys are idiots.
- Ted: Yeah, well, whatever. Ted Clubber Lang. Get used to it.
- Samantha: Okay, I'm gonna ask you a few test questions. Are you ready?
- Ted: Yup, bring it on.
- Samantha: You're on the stand, the D.A. says "Ted, do you consider yourself to be human?"
- Ted: Objection!
- John: Sustained!
- Samantha: No, the witness can't object.
- John: Overruled.
- Ted: Sidebar.
- John: Guilty!
- Ted: Speculation.
- John: Hearsay!
- Ted: Bailiff.
- John: Briefcase.
- Ted: Disregard.
- John: In my chambers.
- Ted: Stop beavering the witness.
- John: I rest.
- Ted: We could totally be lawyers.
- John: Bang.
- Ted: I think it's time to play the Beetlejuice card.
- John: What?
- Ted: I mean saying his name three times so he appears.
- John: Are you fucking crazy, we don't want that guy running around here!
- Ted: No, it's be fine, he'll be on our side! Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, Beetle...
- John: Hey, you are messing with powers you do not understand, all right?! Cut the shit!
- Samantha: Do I have "fuck me" eyes?
- Ted: No, you have "Give me the ring, my precious" eyes.
- Samantha: All right, I got Dred Scott vs. Sandford, Plessy vs. Ferguson, and Brown vs. The Board of Education.
- John: I got Kramer vs. Kramer, Alien vs. Predator, and Freddy vs. Jason.
- Ted: I got, uh, Ernest Goes to Camp, Ernest Goes to Jail, and The Importance of Being Earnest, which was very disappointing.
- Film Executive: The new Superman is... Jonah Hill!
- John: FUCK!
- Ted: So that's it. I'm property. No rights, no nothing.
- John: Ted, dude, I'm so sorry, man. This completely sucks.
- Samantha: I feel terrible. I let you guys down all over again.
- John: Hey. You didn't let us down, Sam. You did your best. And look, regardless of all this shit, you're still the best thing that's happened to me in a long time. [he and Sam kiss]
- Ted: [angrily and sarcastically] Oh... Oh, that's great. That's fucking great. I'm glad you guys are so happy!
- John: What?
- Ted: What do you mean, "What?" I'm totally screwed here, and you're sitting there basically banging my lawyer, and she's probably still fucking billing us!
- John: Don't yell at us, dude. We didn't do anything.
- Ted: Yeah, exactly. Exactly. Maybe if you guys had spent a little less time mooning over each other... Sam could've won this thing, and I wouldn't be a fucking thing, like garbage or a piece of shit.
- John: Hey. We've been fighting right alongside you the whole way. And remember, you're the one who's been pushing me to get back on the horse. I finally meet someone, and you're giving me shit for it?
- Ted: Oh, no. You're right. No, Johnny, it's fine. You're right, it's fine. It's totally fine. I got no job, no marriage and no life! But you have fun porking Gollum here while I'm left with shit.
- John: Ted!
- Samantha: Who's Gollum?
- John: She's a model. Ted, come back.
- Ted: Leave me alone!
- Donny: You know... I really love that Neil Diamond. Especially that song they sing at the, uh, the (Boston) Red Sox games. It's just so infectious. You just can't help but sing along. [starts singing] ♪ Hands, touching hands, reaching out. Touching me, touching you. Sweet Caroline. ♪
- Ted: [suddenly sings out due to temptation] ♪ Bah bah bah! ♪ FUCK! [Donny jumps to grab Ted and starts punching him] Crazy son-of-a-bitch!
- Vendor: Hey! What are you doin' to that bear?
- Donny: I'm sorry, I, uh--
- Vendor: You better be planning on buying that.
- Donny: He just reminds me of when I was a kid.
- Vendor: Yeah, that's great. $40.
- Donny: Okay. [Donny grabs cash] $40, here. [Vendor takes cash]
- [last lines]
- Ted: [offscreen, disgusted] Oh! Fuck me!
- Tami-Lynn: What's the matter?
- Ted: That can't be normal! He's gotta be sick!
- Tami-Lynn: He's not sick; it's just baby doodie.
- John: Yeah, that's what babies do, Teddy.
- Ted: Oh, you don't think this diaper's gross?
- John: No.
- Ted: All right, here, catch. [throws diaper at John, offscreen, and a squish is heard]
- John: [disgusted] OH, TEDDY! WHAT THE FUCK?! [everyone screams in disgust; Ted laughs] HOLY SHIT! OH, YOU MOTHERFUCKER!
- Ted: [takes photo of John, offscreen] [typing] Hashtag, #shithappens.
Cast
edit- Seth MacFarlane - Ted
- Mark Wahlberg - John Bennett
- Amanda Seyfried - Samantha Jackson
- Jessica Barth - Tami-Lynn
- Giovanni Ribisi - Donny
- Patrick Stewart - Narrator
- Morgan Freeman - Patrick Meighan
- John Slattery - Shep Wild
- Patrick Warburton - Guy
- Michael Dorn - Rick
- Bill Smitrovich - Frank
- Cocoa Brown - Joy
- John Carroll Lynch - Tom Jessup
- Ron Canada - Judge Matheson
- Jessica Szohr - Allison
- Tara Strong - Ted's "I Love You" function
- Sam J. Jones - himself
- Sebastian Arcelus - Dr. Danzer
- Tom Brady - himself
- Dennis Haysbert - Fertility doctor
- Taran Killam - himself
- Jimmy Kimmel - himself
- Jay Leno - himself
- Kate McKinnon - herself
- Bobby Moynihan - himself
- Liam Neeson - Customer
- Lenny Clarke - Cop
- Curtis Stigers - Wedding singer
- Nana Visitor - Adoption agent
- Ralph Garman - Stormtrooper
- Jimmy Fallon - Himself
External links
editEncyclopedic article on Ted 2 on Wikipedia
- Official website
- Ted 2 quotes at the Internet Movie Database
ted (2012) · ted2 (2015) |
Seth MacFarlane | ||
Television | Animated TV series | Family Guy (1999–2003, 2005–present) · American Dad! (2005–present) · The Cleveland Show (2009–13) |
Live‑action TV series | Cosmos: A Spacetime Odyssey (2014) | |
Television hosting | Saturday Night Live (2012) | |
Films | Ted (2012) · A Million Ways to Die in the West (2014) · Ted 2 (2015) | |
See also | The Life of Larry and Larry & Steve |