NCIS (season 8)

Spider and the Fly [8.01]

[Tony is in MTAC video-conferencing with McGee, who is in Canada and is standing near a Mountie's horse]

Tony: That horse likes you!

McGee: This isn't funny, Tony.

Tony: Oh, poor McMounty. [affects Canadian accent] Hey, so have you seen any, like, moose and stuff up there? Hey, where's your buddy Claude. Isn't that your friendly St. Bernard with a little barrel of whiskey under his chin?!

McGee: Look, I've been up here playing Dudley Do-Right for two weeks, okay? It's September and there's snow on the ground, could you at least give me a little compassion here?

Tony: And what would that be for? Did you forget to take off your toque when you entered a room? You're going to get in trouble up there, hanging with the bluenecks, throwing back a two-four of pale ale.

McGee: I've actually been working, unlike certain people!

Gibbs: Certain people here are working, McGee.

McGee: Of course, boss.

Ziva: Hello, Tony. I'm back!

Tony: Well, hello, little miss Sunshine State, and don't you look balmy.

Ziva: I do not know what balmy means, but I would assume it is not good.

Tony: Well, just because I was alone, manning the fort, handling Gibbs solo, while you've been strolling around South Beach dancing to the rhythm of the night, why would I feel the need to say anything negative?

Ziva: Because you are you. Besides, I was working the entire time.

Tony: Ha!

Ziva: Ha what??

Tony: Working... Are those tan lines?

Ziva: [coyly] Where do you think you're looking?

Tony: Does it even matter?

Ziva: Well, actually, yes it does. And I can assure you, I do not have any tan lines.

Tony: Oh. So you did lay in the sun.

Ziva: Yes, I did, actually, this morning before my flight. And I came up with something case related prior to my departure.

Tony: [closes in eyes and inhales as Ziva stands next to his desk] You smell like ocean and shea butter.

Gibbs: Thought you were dead.

Franks: I got better.

McGee: [exiting the elevator] Ah, I missed these stained orange walls. God bless tacky American bureaucracy.

Tony: The prodigal probie returns.

McGee: You know, I realized something, Tony. You don't appreciate something until it's gone.

Tony: So you missed me, ay?

McGee: No, no, other things, like breakfast without beer.

Ziva: I thought that was the Irish.

Tony: Canadians, too.

McGee: You know, beer doesn't go well with either eggs or oatmeal. [looks at Ziva] Why are you so tan?

Ziva: Why are you so white?

McGee: I've always been like this.

Ziva: It becomes you.

McGee: You're lying.

Ziva: Through my teeth.

Ducky: Did I ever tell you about the first case that Jethro and I worked? Two sailors capsized a recreational skiff one summer's eve; panic ensued. When they were finally located, one sailor was dead and the other severely hypothermic.

Abby: So the one sailor drowned?

Ducky: No. Rather than watch his friend slowly expire, one sailor stabbed the other, yeah, claiming that it was more humane. He was convinced that his actions were justified.

Abby: Like Gibbs twenty years ago. [Ducky nods] Ducky, what if this doesn't work? What's going to happen with Gibbs?

Ducky: In 1940, Winston Churchill sat in his bunker, smoking one of those majestic cigars, waiting for news that the first German bombs were decimating London. "Let us therefore brace ourselves to our duty," he said over the radio, "and so bear ourselves that, if the British Empire and its Commonwealth lasts for a thousand years, men will still say, 'This was their finest hour.'" The hour is upon us, Abby. All we can do is wait and see.

Worst Nightmare [8.02]

McGee: [speaking to three recruits while standing at his desk] Now, this is where the brain trust of the entire unit sits. Come on in. Come on in. Please, have a seat. You notice how I've angled my desk here to get a good vantage point of the entire team here. It's very important as an NCIS agent to stay aware.

Tony: [watching from his desk] What's going on here? Are we being replaced with younger models?

Ziva: I am a younger model.

Tony: If that was intended to hurt me, you have succeeded.

Ziva: And we are not being replaced. They are from Waverly University.

Tony: Oh, yeah, that's right. Director Vance's internship program. It's not a good idea. It feeds McGee's need to have groupies. [Ziva smiles]

Abby: Also, you are not to touch my computer, my lab equipment, my mp3 player, my Caf-Pow, my desk or Burt my farting hippo without my express written consent.

Michael Seelus: Well, how am I going to do anything then?

Abby: And there's no cameras or flash photography.

Seelus: I don't have a camera.

Abby: And if accidentally turn my back to you, you're to immediately move back into my eyeline.

Seelus: Why don't I just wear bells?

Abby: That's a really good idea! [moves across the lab and retrieves a set of bells from a drawer] I mean, I'm sorry about this. I mean, Darren worked out, but I've just had problems with people that have been assigned to my lab. [holds out the bells] It'll just be better this way.

Seelus: I'm not putting those on.

Abby: Oh no, actually you are!

Seelus: No, I'm not?

Abby: [cheerfully] Except for the fact that you are.

Gibbs: [walks in] Abs, I need something fast.

Abby: [to Seelus] To be continued. [to Gibbs] Who are you and what you done with my Gibbs that doesn't like interns?

Gibbs: This is Special Agent Gibbs.

Mason: It was self defense.

Gibbs: Why don't you come on in, we can talk about it?

Mason: I think we both know that's not gonna happen.

Gibbs: You lied to me Mason.

Mason: I am sorry about that, but I just didn't want to take the chance that NCIS would screw things up, so I went to the ransom drop myself.

Gibbs: Yea, how'd that work out?

Mason: You're not the only one who was lied to. They said Rebecca would be there, they lied. I did not start the fight.

Gibbs: No, no, you just ended it.

Mason: He was trying to kill me, he gave me no choice. That's why I am calling you, to warn you. These people cannot be trusted. It was like the amateur hour out there today.

Gibbs: And you're the professional? Right?

Mason: I am what I am, bad luck for these guys. The rest is not important.

Gibbs: Mason, you need to come in before you cross a line that you can't come back from.

Mason: I don't have a lot of time so let me be as clear as I can be. There is not a force on this planet that's going to stop me from finding my granddaughter. You have to work within the law. I am a bit more flexible. [Call disconnects]

McGee: Well, he sounds serious.

Gibbs: No kidding.

[Michael Seelus, still wearing his necklace of bells, summons Gibbs to Abby's lab. As they step off the elevator, Seelus jingles, and Gibbs stops in annoyance.]

Seelus: Sorry, but I'm more scared of her than you.

[Gibbs gives a reluctant nod and continues.]

Short Fuse [8.03]

McGee: Ziva, what's going on?

Ziva: Tony has been selected to be on the cover of the new NCIS recruiting brochure.

McGee: Oh, you've got to be kidding me.

Tony: Hey, hey, hey, check it out. Who's the new face of NCIS? You're looking at it, McEnvy. Get used to it.

McGee: There will be no living with him now.

Ziva: Now??

Gibbs: You were supposed to be here an hour ago.

Fornell: My daughter had a performance at school, I told you. Be nice to me. I've just spent two hours with our ex-wife.

Gibbs: Yeah? She mention my name?

Fornell: Not for years.

Gibbs: Hey, you shaved your beard!

Fornell: That's very observant.

Gibbs: What is that?

Fornell: It's rice.

Gibbs: I thought you were picking up cheeseburgers.

Fornell: It's lamb curry from the Punjab Express.

Gibbs: We both agreed we hate that place.

Fornell: We did, but I got a twofer coupon in the mail.

Gibbs: Well, did you order it spicy or mild?

Fornell: Atomic.

Royals and Loyals [8.04]

Ziva: Apologize.

Tony: For what?

Ziva: For being you.

Tony: Sweetheart, if I had a dollar for every time I'd done that, I'd be loaded.

Ziva: What?

Tony: I'm just watching the pheromones ooze from your body.

Ziva: I do not see anything.

Tony: That's because they're invisible. It's just a musky scent given off to attract the opposite sex.

Ziva: Now you're being ridiculous.

Tony: Oh, no. It's true. Think about it: first you had your little Miami vice, now Prince Albert in a can. Oh, they can't help it. You're just a walking Israeli love machine.

Ziva: [speaking of the British liaison officer to the U.S. Navy] He is charming.

Tony: What is it with chicks and Brits? Jagger, Bono, Beatles, Bond.

Ziva: I am not into bondage, I can assure you.

Tony: It's like looking for a needle in a haystack!

Ziva: Why would anyone leave a needle in a stack of hay anyway?

Tony: Oh, Lord.

Tony: Hey, boss, good news: a guy fitting Malloy's description just paid cash for a ticket to Glasgow.

Royal Marine/MI6 agent Major Malloy: It wasn't me.

Ziva: Gibbs, how did you find him?

Gibbs: I didn't. He found me. Ziva, you watch him. You watch him like Syria, not Switzerland.

Ziva: Tony, I have a question.

Tony: Shoot.

Ziva: If and when you meet my friend, and I emphasize 'if', what will you say?

Tony: Be careful. [chuckles insecurely] Um, handle with care; contents priceless.

Ziva: Goodnight, Tony.

Tony: Goodnight, Ziva.

Dead Air [8.05]

Ziva: Tony, have you been drinking?

Tony: No. [sniffs breath] Why?

Ziva: I could have sworn I just heard you thank McGee.

Tony: Oh, I appreciate his insight.

Ziva: [skeptically] On what?

Tony: Baseball.

McGee: Specifically the implementation of instant replay in baseball. If we have the technology, why not use it?

Tony: Bad calls hurt everyone!

Ziva: I do not know what is more disturbing: the fact that you both agree on something or that McGee is a fan of a sport.

Abby: [jumps when Gibbs touches her shoulder] Gibbs! Are you trying to give me heart palpitations?

Gibbs: No. What do you got, Abs?

Abby: Heart palpitations.

Tony: [Talking about Ziva] She's not doing a very good job. The body language is all wrong. Classic Ziva would've been more reckless, hair would've been more wild. She was very sexual then.

McGee: You think Ziva's less sexual now?

Tony: Compared to the Ziva I shared a bed with five years ago, yeah.

McGee: You guys were undercover. I mean, you were just putting on a show.

Tony: [Doesn't say anything, stares at Ziva]

McGee: You were putting on a show, right?

Tony: [Just looks at McGee and clears his throat]

Ziva: Tony!! [jumps on Tony to cover him from a bomb blast]

Tony: This is nice. I miss the old Ziva.

Ziva: I can tell.

Tony: Don't flatter yourself. That's just my knee.

Ziva: So, Matt Lane planted a bomb then stayed behind to umpire a game rather than flee the scene.

Tony: We told you Ziva.

Gibbs: It's baseball.

Ziva: Huh?

Tony and McGee: [Bleachers turn on] Nice.

Ziva: You two need a moment.

Tony: You'll understand. Eventually.

Ziva: Will I? [Goes to grab mitts and baseball]

Ziva: Hey Gibbs, have a catch?

McGee: Wow, look at this. So, you do know a little something about baseball. Huh!

Ziva: Yeah. My father taught me.

Cracked [8.06]

Tony: Trust me, this woman could get Gibbs into a tutu and a leotard if she wanted to.

Gibbs: Not likely, in this lifetime, DiNozzo.

Tony: No, boss, I'm sure you would never wear a leotard. But if you did, you could pull it off.

Abby: We communicate in the same way. I could tell the first time I saw all of this. Everyone else saw chaos, and I saw patterns right away; there was order to the chaos. So, I want you to know that whatever it is that you're trying to tell me, I promise you, I promise I'll understand.

Ducky: Careful. Sometimes they talk back.

McGee: How many Caf-Pow's have you had today?

Abby: Um, Eleven..teen.

Broken Arrow [8.07]

Ziva: Hey, guys? [Tony and McGee arrive to see Ziva looking into a dumpster] Someone's going to have to go though this -- this is disgusting.

Tony: Last time I checked, I was senior field agent.

McGee: It's too bad we don't have a probationary agent with us.

Tony/McGee: But we do!

Ziva: You're going to pull rank on me?! [they walk away]

Abby: But, you just got here! Don't you wanna stay a couple of days? You can have some quality time with Tony.

DiNozzo Sr.: Ohhh, I'd love to Abby, but I have to get back to New York. I've been away too long.

Ziva: But we barely got to see you.

McGee: Yeah, we were kinda hopin' to hear your version of why Jr. got expelled from boarding school.

Tony: Your wildest dreams, McGee. Let's go, Dad!

DiNozzo Sr.: What's the matter with you, Jr.? Relax.

Gibbs: Hey, DiNozzo, hold on a minute.

Tony: Don't move. Stay. [walks over to Gibbs] Yeah, boss?

Gibbs: Hey, where's your dad going?

Tony: New York.

Gibbs: No, not yet. We need him... get us into the reception.

[Tony laughs, then sobers when he realizes Gibbs is being serious. Gibbs laughs at Tony's dawning look of horror.]

[DiNozzo Sr. is being fitted for a cashmere tuxedo in his hotel suite, and pours himself a martini.]

DiNozzo Sr.: Are you here to brief me on tonight's op?

Tony: Hm...? [watches Sr. drop an olive into his glass] Oh, no. You think you're James Bond, don't you? Dad, there is no "op!" Your job is to get Ziva into the party, so she can plant the bug. That's it. Then you stay out of her way! Get it?

DiNozzo Sr.: Got it.

Tony: Good!

Admiral Chase: Does Agent David carry a weapon?

Gibbs: She is a weapon.

DiNozzo Sr.: We're DiNozzos. We don't communicate well.

Tony: We used to, you know. Long time ago. Sometimes I wish we could rewind to the last time we had a normal father-son relationship.

DiNozzo Sr.: When was that?

Tony: It was a fishing trip. It was just before Mom died. You probably don't remember...

[DiNozzo Sr. smiles, sits next to Tony, and takes out his wallet.]

Tony: [thinking Sr. wants to pay him back] Dad, it's okay, I mean...

[DiNozzo Sr. takes an old, much-creased picture out and shows it to Tony: the two of them, together on a dock, smiling as they hoist their catches for the camera.]

DiNozzo Sr.: I look at that picture every morning. It's one of my fondest memories, too. Okay, from now on, we talk, hmm? Let's get out of here before we both start bawling.

Enemies Foreign [8.08]

Eli David: Tea and coffee. There was a time when this conversation would take place over something a bit more exciting.

Gibbs: Well, I'm still on the clock. No one's stopping you.

Eli David: But along with several other vices, drinking is now part of my past.

Gibbs: You know what they say about a man with no vices?

Eli David: Yes. He has incredibly annoying virtues.

Eli David: I was summoned. Vance's review of the international case-files, and his request for contributions from every NCIS director.

Gibbs: Not every director.

Eli David: No. Not Jenny Shepard. She was truly responsible for bringing our organizations together, and for bringing my daughter into your life, but I am not here for her.

Gibbs: For Ziva.

Eli David: Yes.

Gibbs: You're not here for Ziva. She has a name.

Eli David: I am aware. I gave it to her.

Vance: Eli's here already, isn't he?

Gibbs: You knew he'd come.

Vance: You dangle the right bait you can catch any game. The Palestinians are following the same logic.

Gibbs: Chasing Eli.

Vance: That was unexpected. We've got to find him first, then we need to get on Eli's protection detail. I know he's going to make it miserable for us.

Gibbs: Got McGee babysitting him at a safehouse. We're running drills to secure the hotel.

Vance: Good. How's our own David handling it?

Gibbs: Her father left her to die in a desert.

Vance: So it's a problem.

Gibbs: Would be for me. Won't be for Ziva.

McGee: The Palestinians' last known location is a thousand miles south of D.C. Now every minor and major airport between has their photos posted. I've got alerts at the train stations, bus stations, local L.E.O.s up and down the coast, as well as any and all hardware shipments, commercial or military. I have hung a net.

Ziva: I do not know who Annette is or why you are so proud of killing her.

McGee: No, what I mean is, if they make a move we're going to know about it.

Abby: You should see your dad.

Ziva: How would that help the case?

Abby: It wouldn't. Have you even spoken to him?

Ziva: No.

Abby: Okay.

Ziva: What does it matter to you?

Abby: Do you think it's just by chance that he came back into your life? I mean, what about Gibbs and his father? And Tony? It's just that there comes a point, you know, in your lifetime where they come back into your life, because... because they matter to you, and because you matter to him. I mean, I suppose that it sounds complicated, but believe me, it's not nearly as complicated as knowing that they're never, ever going to come back again.

Enemies Domestic [8.09]

McGee: Oh no. Agent McCallister! Now remember, you're supposed to ask me before using the men's room.

McCallister: Shut up! Permission to smack your boy with my cane, Gibbs.

Gibbs: Denied.

Liat: Director David has left us a message.

Tony: What's that?

Malachi: It is the Hebrew word bayet. It means "house" or "home".

Tony: [sarcastically] Oh, so he's walking all the way home to Israel?

Liat: More likely the Israeli embassy.

Tony: "House". Well, you know there is a House of Pancakes down the street, and also a House of Pies and a Donut House --

Ziva: [interrupting Tony] My father needs medical attention. We should split up, cover each possibility.

Liat: Okay. [she and Malachi leave]

Tony: Listen, you're going to have to go on your own because Gibbs wants --

Ziva: Tony, do you know what a Golem is?

Tony: Creepy schizophrenic creature from Lord of the Rings?

Ziva: No, that's Gollum. A Golem is a supernatural being from Jewish folklore. It was created from mud to protect the Jews. The mystics etched the name Emet into his forehead. When the monster's task was completed the letter aleph was scratched out, changing the word to met. Do you understand what I'm saying?

Tony: Yeah. Liat pulled a Golem. She erased a letter?

Ziva: Liat is an overachiever. She erased the entire word.

Tony: You're not going to the House of Pancakes, are you?

Abby: [referring to Eli David] He knew how to do it. He just confessed to knowing how to build the murder weapon. I mean, come on! How many people know how to build a homemade Claymore mine?

Malachi: In this room? [he, Liat and Ziva raise their hands]

Abby: Okay, fine. [raises her hand]

Gibbs: Rule number nine.

Vance: How the hell did you get that past security?

Gibbs: Never go anywhere without a knife.

Eli: There have been times I felt this job take a piece of me. Where I worried it might be gone forever.

Ziva: Sometimes life surprises you.

Eli: Those are the moments worth living for, my Ziva. [kisses her forehead]

False Witness [8.10]

Tony: [after Ziva turns off the sound from the interview room] Thanks. I was getting a headache.

Ziva: Really?? This is usually your favorite part. Getting to watch reality TV at work, as you call it.

Tony: Well, people change, Ziva.

Ziva: Yes. But not that quickly. And yet here we have this new Tony. Who arrives early, stays late, turns down advances from beautiful women, and has not made a single joke in the past, what, two days?

Tony: I haven't? Are you sure? Well, we are in the middle of a case.

Ziva: It has not stopped you before.

Tony: Well, it's stopping me now, and I'm sorry if you're losing sleep over it, but I can't be responsible for everyone's feelings!

Ziva: Everyone? For example...

Tony: You, and McGee, and the Brenda Bittner's of the world. Everyone!

Ziva: Brenda.

Tony: Yeah. Bittner. The girl who posted online that we were in a committed relationship last year.

Ziva: Yes! Yes, but if I remember correctly, the only thing you were committed to was a one night stand.

Tony: That's right. [clears throat] I just found out that she checked herself into a depression treatment facility, or something, after she wrapped her car around a tree. Nice one, huh?

Ziva: And you feel responsible.

Tony: No! I mean, I barely knew the girl. I'm just saying.

Ziva: Well, clearly she was a troubled woman.

Tony: It's clear now, isn't it?

Ziva: Still, it must be unsettling to think that you didn't notice at the time, especially since your job is to help people who are in trouble.

Tony: I don't know why this has gotten under my skin like this. I mean, of all things. Maybe instead of having a mid-life crisis I'm having a mid-life crazy.

Ziva: Look, you are not crazy, okay? You are just... growing up. And some lessons are more painful as we grow older when the stakes are higher, but you need to find balance. And yes, yes, yes, yes! You need to treat people more respectfully, especially when it comes to matters of the heart. But you need to be... who you are.

Tony: Who am I?

Ziva: You are Tony DiNozzo. The class clown. That is why we love you.

Ships In The Night [8.11]

1st Lt. Jeremy Nolan: Rough night?

Agent Abigail Borin: Blind date. On a boat.

Nolan: Nowhere to go.

Borin: [sarcastically] Overboard?

Nolan: Should I call the Coast Guard?

Tony: I don't need more money. I need more time. Just think of all the women I could've dated.

Ziva: I would rather not.

Tony: Respectfully dated. [Ziva looks at him] But it's never too late. [goes to his file cabinet]

Ziva: What are you doing?

Tony: Tallying up my overtime.

Gibbs: You got more coming Skippy. [Tony and McGee look at him] Grab your gear.

Tony: Got another all-nighter?

Gibbs: You can sleep when you're dead.

Borin: [to police officers] I need this area kept clear of passengers even if they claim to be my date. [Gibbs arrives at crime scene] Agent Gibbs.

Gibbs: Agent Borin. [smiles] We gotta stop meeting like this.

Borin: You mean when NCIS takes over one of my cases. My call was a courtesy, not an invitation.

Gibbs: Body trumps boat.

[Gibbs takes a look at the victim, a dead Marine officer]

Gibbs: [looks over Borin's blood-stained dress] That's a nice dress. Are you cold?

Borin: Tried to give him CPR. And no.

Gibbs: The, uh, gift shop was all out of pantsuits. [hands her some clothing] Unless you'd rather just go home.

Borin: And let you have all the fun? [takes clothing] Don't think you're getting rid of me that easily, Gibbs.

Gibbs: [laughs] I didn't.

[Tony is on the boat addressing the passengers]

Tony: Ladies and gentlemen, excuse me, if I could have your attention. Thank you. I know it's been a long night. Consider it your murder-mystery dinner-theater on the Potomac. Was dinner, now it's breakfast. Well, looks like Colonel Mustard was killed on the deck with a lead pipe, maybe lead bullets. [as Poirot, with a French accent] Only by interrogating each and everyone of you, individually, can we hope to see the light! [clears throat] Albert Finney doing Hercule Poirot, 1974's Murder on the Orient Express.

[The passengers stare at Tony and look at each other]

Ducky: [talking to corpse] Celebrities have always existed, from promiscuous monarchs to Roman gladiators. [...] These days, however, fame is more easily obtained. Anyone with enough money and a lack of self-respect can become famous just by being famous. We've gone from Socrates to Snooki. I can understand you wanting to distance yourself from such a frivolous lifestyle.

Recruited [8.12]

[Tony looks pensively at Ziva's desk]

McGee: So, where is she?

Tony: [starts] Who?

McGee: Tony, Ziva's been gone since Thursday.

Tony: Oh! Ziva. Gosh, I hadn't noticed.

McGee: You are lying.

Tony: McGoo, I have better things to do than to obsess about the whereabouts of our little miss fancy-pants Ziva.

McGee: Yeah, like what?

Tony: Well, for instance, there's lunch. Today I'm picking falafel.

McGee: Tony.

Tony: All right. She spent the weekend with him.

McGee: Him who?

Tony: The sire of South Beach. The king of Key West. The man with the mister -- I'm running out of things to call him.

Tony: She won't even tell us his name.

Gibbs: How are you holding up Leon?

Vance: How do you think? On a strict diet of paperwork and painkillers.

Gibbs: [kisses Abby's cheek] Thank you, Abs.

Dr. Walter Magnus: He -- he just kissed her.

Ducky: Well, consider it an innocent gesture of endearment.

[McGee sneezes]

Tony: Cover your mouth.

McGee: I'm allergic to sawdust. Mostly pine. I'm better with hardwoods. You know, walnut, oak.

Tony: Were you a sickly child? Because I'm betting you were a sickly child.

McGee: I need my inhaler.

Tony: I want Ziva back.

Tony: Five kids Craig was advising. [Ziva walks in, and McGee notifies Tony] Hi I thought you were in Miami. You look positively alpine.

Ziva: He came to me. We went skiing again this time to Vermont.

Tony: Vermont that's so quaint they have all those lovely little country inns and uhh, cozy fires and sticky maple syrup that gets every where.

Ziva: He enjoys nature and I discovered that he's a fantastic cook he made this whoow delicious osso buco.

Tony: Aren't you lucky so he's a real renaissance man, huh?

Ziva: He is an experienced man who knows how to appreciate life. There is a difference.

McGee: So when do we get to meet him and please tell us his name.

Tony: Oh, no please let me guess. Zeus uhh, Thor.

Ziva: His name is Ray.

Tony: Ray! What a nice little name. Ray like Ray Crock or Ray Charles or Sugar Ray.

Ziva: Umm, I promise you Ray is a good man.

Freedom [8.13]

McGee: It's rude, Tony. I called you four times!

Tony: Well, there's two things wrong with that statement. One, we're not dating. And two, you know I don't take calls from anyone, especially you, after 7pm. You forget, I have a life.

McGee: What's your point?

Tony: My point McGee, party of one, is that you were leaving me messages evidently about some kind of case file?

McGee: Yeah, one in which I needed you to sign.

Tony: Which you could have waited until this morning for? Give it to me. (McGee hands Tony the file) See that? Now all I have to do is sign it! (Tony signs the file) Look at that. Signing John Hancock. Just kidding, Anthony DiNozzo. (Tony hands McGee the file, which McGee snatches out of his hands)

(After McGee has opened a parcel containing a blow up doll)

McGee: Erm...it's real funny, Tony.

Tony: (Laughs) You think I did this?

Ziva: I would not put it past you.

Tony: Guys! Come on, a little credit, please. I have grown past this kind of sophomoric thing. I mean, who would do something so... (laughs) genius? McGee with a plastic girlfriend! Congratulations, Tim! She's very sweet.

McGee: The receipt's got my credit card information on it. It must be some mistake.

Ziva: I would cancel your credit card.

McGee: Right now, all I need to do is figure out how to deflate this thing.

Tony: Oh that's easy, there's always a button right here on the back of the neck... (off their looks) ...there's no reason I should know that.

McGee: Since when did banks become so evil?

Tony: Since about the 12th century.

(Ziva laughs)

McGee: Not a hacker, either.

Ziva: How do you know?

McGee: My firewall hasn't been penetrated.

Tony: Lubricant helps, but everybody has dry spots.

(Ziva laughs)

(Gibbs and Ducky are in Autopsy, looking over Sgt Wooten's body.):

Ducky: These bruises and lacerations could be consistent with somebody hitting a target repeatedly.

Gibbs: The target was the wife, Duck. I wouldn't blame her if she did this.

Ducky: Nobody would. But that doesn't make it any less of a crime.

A Man Walks Into A Bar... [8.14]

Dr. Cranston: The thing that puzzles me, with all this change, allegiance to country, of the type of men you're drawn to, what is it that you're looking for? What is it that you want?

Ziva: I want something permanent; something that can't be taken away. Is that too much to ask?

Dr. Cranston: What do you see when you look at him, Agent DiNozzo?

Tony: A man works his whole life, dedicates himself to his job, and then has nothing to show for it.

Dr. Cranston: How does that make you feel?

Tony: Afraid. I'm a good agent, Dr. Cranston. A really good one.

Dr. Cranston: I know. And so do a lot of other people. But you can be more, has anyone told you that? Maybe Agent Todd was hard on you because she knew what you were really capable of. Too bad she never got a chance to tell you that.

Tony: I think I just realized who you are, Rachel.

Gibbs: Stand right here. Look down. Do you feel that? Right there?

Dr. Cranston: What?

Gibbs: This is where the guy who murdered Kate died. This is where Ziva shot her own brother. That, doc, is closure. The rest is just memories. Nothing wrong with memories.

Dr. Cranston: It's all about responses, Gibbs. You, Vance, your agents. We keep things piling up inside... even the harshest response seems appropriate.

Dr. Cranston: It's clear to me we all react to life's challenges in different ways - your people are no exception. Some fight death and some embrace its solace. Some recognize their fate and others do whatever is necessary to alter it. Sometimes we defy other's expectations and, occasionally, we rise to meet them. But the constant is being true to ourselves. We do what we have to when we have to. We react - for better or worse.

Defiance [8.15]

Adriana Gorgova: What's with McGee?

[Tony chuckles.]

Ziva: What do you mean?

Adriana: Is there a... Mrs. McGee?

Tony: [chuckles] What a concept.

Ziva: No, he's not married.

Adriana: Girlfriend?

Ziva: Not that I know of.

Tony: Okay, what am I missing here, huh? We talking about the same guy, Timothy McGee? The Ichabod Crane who speaks in algorithms, and looks like he has some kind of permanently frumpy expression on his face?

Ziva: Do not listen to him, Adriana. McGee is a very sweet man, he is intelligent, and he is loyal... [fakes a shot at Tony, who flinches away, shielding his genitals] ...to a fault.

Ziva: Wait. So she cooperates in her own kidnapping and then she gets off Scotch free?

McGee: Scot.

Kill Screen [8.16]

[Gibbs hits the computer in frustration when he can't log in to his e-mail]

McGee: Uh, Boss, I wouldn't do that. I just finished calibrating your-- [Gibbs hits the monitor again] ..monitors.

Gibbs: It was working fine until you touched it.

McGee: [goes to Gibbs' desk] All I did was tweaked the color gamma... Mind if I?... Probably just to restart your email clients... No, let me try this...

[McGee tries to fix the account but to no avail. Gibbs takes out a baseball bat and hits the computer with it.]

McGee: Boss, that's really not gonna help.

Gibbs: Well, it helps me.

[McGee accidentally spills Gibbs' coffee onto his desk]

McGee: Uh sorry Boss. [desperately trying to clean up the mess] Sorry. I'm sorry uh... how about you take mine. It's a double half-caf, Sumatra blend with a twist of lemon. [Gibbs storms off without a word] I'll have it fixed by the time you get back.

[Tony and Ziva arrive at work]

Tony: Morning, Boss. Like that shirt! [Gibbs storms past them without a word]

Tony: [to McGee] Hope you didn't break his computer. He doesn't like that thing even when it's working.

McGee: I should have listened to my horoscope. It said I should stay home today.

Ziva: [laughs] Your horoscope?

Tony: What else did it say?

McGee: Avoid new relationships, which after last week is probably not a bad idea either. [looks up as Tony laughs] What's so funny?

Tony: Oh, just that you think you have a choice.

Ziva: And that you read your horoscope.

McGee: Oh, just for fun, but it is interesting. I have been thinking about taking a break from dating for a while. [makes a face as Tony laughs again] Okay, now what's so funny?

Tony: Same thing.

McGee: Thanks for the support, Tony.

Palmer: That's one cold-blooded killer. He stops for a hot dog while getting rid of the evidence.

Ducky: It's not uncommon for killers to find themselves unusually hungry after the act.

Ziva: I would like to have seen Gibbs shoot that computer.

McGee: Well, if I don't get his email working you may get a second chance.

Ziva: I almost shot Tony last night. We were stuck for almost three hours before the firemen were able to open up the fire doors.

Tony: And you loved every second of it.

One Last Score [8.17]

Tony: No, I saw what happened! You and I were having a conversation, we're trying to work something out.

Ziva: Yeah! It is a violation. There is an expectation of privacy in our own office.

Tony: And she's just chatting away, right over the hedge.

Ziva: It is over the edge!!

Tony: Actually, it's over the top, but it's pushing you over the edge.

Ziva: Huh?

Tony: And you know what I think? [walks into the lab to hear McGee and Abby speaking] What are you guys talking about?

Abby: Um, tanning hides. You?

Ziva: The same.

Tony: Easy.

Tony: So something interested here here, huh?

Gibbs: There's a couple of options, but I like this desk. Old growth wood. Craftsman made.

Ziva: [gasps] It belonged to William Faulkner! I love his writing!

Tony: Total genius.

Ziva: Yes! It was worth learning English just for The Sound and the Fury, or that chapter in As I Lay Dying. You know, the one with the five words where Vardaman says "My mother is a fish!"

Tony: I don't really like his books much, but I'm a big fan of the movies he made based on other people's books. Like The Big Sleep and To Have and Have Not. I mean, he gave us Bogey and Bacall. God bless you, William Faulkner.

Out of the Frying Pan [8.18]

[Ducky is conducting the autopsy]

Ducky: Here comes a candle to light you to bed. Here comes a chopper to chop off your head. Chop, chop, chop, chop. The last man's dead.

[Ziva enters autopsy room]

[...]

Ziva: I've heard you talk to the dead, Ducky, but I did not know you read poetry to them as well.

Ducky: They are playground rhymes.

Ziva: And they have something to with our victim?

Ducky: Lizzie Borden took an ax and gave her mother forty whacks. When she saw what she had done, she gave her father forty-one.

[Abby is doing a reconstruction of the crime scene when McGee walks in]

Abby: Hi honey! Welcome home to your bloody abode.

[...]

Abby: [points to a computer tablet] It's been sitting in so much blood it kinda drowned the little guy.

McGee: Metro give it CPR?

Abby: They tried but I think it needs a Timmy touch.

[Tony and Director Vance are in the observation room watching Gibbs interrogate a teenager suspected of murdering his father]

Tony: I feel bad for any guy who ever dates your daughter.

Vance: Me too.

Tony: [reading from the boy's juve file] "Daddy and me had three violent altercations over the past two years. Cops had to break it up. Yelling, screaming." [looks at Vance] Sounds like one of Ziva's family reunions.

Gibbs: What do you got?

Abby: Other than my respect and adulation for human's ability to engineer teeny, tiny parts made of nothing but sand?

Gibbs: [looking down at a touchpad computer] Is it dead or alive?

Abby: It's neither. It's like a zombie, Gibbs; if you don't kill the brain, it doesn't die.

Tell-All [8.19]

Ziva: Tony, why are you trying to look at Gibbs' mail?

Tony: Oh, come on, isn't it obvious? The raised calligraphy, the paper that's made from a fabric more expensive than Timmy's shirt. [touches McGee's shirt collar, McGee pulls away] Sorry. [to Ziva] He got the same wedding invitation last week.

Ziva: How'd you know that?

Tony: I saw it. Same fancy paper. Same fancy handwriting.

Ziva: Well, someone's being persistent.

McGee: Who would wanna invite Gibbs to their wedding?

Tony: Yeah, guy's got worst wedding juju than Billy Bob Thornton and Larry King combined.

Ziva: You are overreacting. I, for one, would not mind having Gibbs there when I get married.

[Tony and McGee both stare at her in astonishment]

Ziva: [sees them staring at her] Hypothetically! [Tony and McGee continue looking at her] I mean, you know... when I... someday... you know, if I-- [exasperated] It is not important!

[Ducky and Palmer are performing an autopsy on the deceased victim]

Ducky: Cellular communication, text messaging, squeaking...

Palmer: Tweeting, Doctor. Like the yellow canary and the puddy tat. I used to love that cartoon when I was a kid--

Ducky: [ignores and interrupts Palmer] These distractions feed the ever-growing beast known as "instant gratification".

[Tony is hiding in a shower cubicle in a secret attempt to read Gibbs' invitation. Ziva realizes this and pulls the curtain back on him.]

Ziva: Tony.

Tony: Ziva.

Ziva: You're in the women's shower fully clothed and you are holding Gibbs' mail.

Tony: What's your point?

Ziva: That letter's not for you to read.

Tony: I know, but there's so many questions to be answered. The happiest day in someone's life and they need Leroy Jethro Gibbs there to seal the deal? Doesn't make any sense.

Ziva: Right, so be honest. Surely you would want Gibbs there at your wedding?

Tony: I don't know if a head slap coming down the aisle is the ideal Kodak moment.

Fornell: You get an invitation to Diane's wedding?

[Gibbs looks at Tony, who was standing in front of them. Tony gets the message and leaves.]

Gibbs: Yeah. I got three.

Fornell: Three. [Gibbs nods his head] Woman always was persistent.

Gibbs: Tobias, she's a pain in the butt.

Fornell: You going?

Gibbs: Are you?

[...]

Fornell: You know, Jethro, if it weren't for Diane, we wouldn't have the kind of relationship that...[Gibbs looks at him]...we have.

Gibbs: [amused] Tobias, you've always been a "glass half-full" kind of guy.

Fornell: [smiles] Never have to pay alimony again.

[Tony and Ziva are Abby's lab attempting to piece together the burnt pages of the book]

Ziva: Tony, you're hogging all the end pieces!

Tony: That's because I start with the end pieces. Haven't you ever done a puzzle before? You go out to in.

Ziva: Have you ever done a puzzle before? Because you work in to out!

Abby: [laughing at their bickering] Will you guys stop? I'm trying to read here.

2-Faced [8.20]

McGee: Sounds like you're getting pretty serious.

Ziva: I am happy Ray is happy. We are meeting in New York next weekend. He's taking me to the opera.

Tony: The opera?! Wow! Does his boyfriend know about you?

Gibbs: You CIA?

Ray Cruz: Just celebrated my thirteenth year, sir.

Tony: That's funny. Ziva failed to mention your line of work.

Ray: It's what I do. It's not who I am.

Tony: That's a very zen, new-agey kind of attitude for someone who installs puppet regimes for a living.

Ziva: Okay. Gibbs, can I give Ray a tour?

Gibbs: Yeah, sure. Don't lose him.

Ray: It's been a pleasure meeting all of you.

Tony: Huh. So it's not Renaissance Ray. It's CIA Ray. He's CIRay!

McGee: You really should get that checked out. It's like a bad tick or something.

Tony: Something about this guy, boss. His smile is disturbing. I haven't seen a smile like that since Christian Bale's barely audible Batman in The Dark Knight.

Gibbs: DiNozzo.

Tony: Right. Back to work. (in Batman voice) It's what I do. It's not who I am. (normally) Huh.

Ray: You know, I want Ziva's friends to become my friends. She's told me how close the two of you are.

Tony: [Laughing] I wouldn't say that.

Ray: She says you're like a brother to her.

(Tony looks troubled)

Abby: Change, Gibbs. Change makes me itch. It always has. It's Agent Barrett. I'm not a fan. I mean, of change. Her I don't mind. She's feisty for someone so small, and I like that. Not that I like her, because I don't really.

Gibbs: Abby.

Abby: Not like I like you.

Gibbs: Abs. [hugs her]

Abby: I like our family just the way it is.

Gibbs: Nothing's going to change.

Dead Reflection [8.21]

Tony: Salads are not stakeout food.

Ziva: Well, they should be. [motioning at his sandwich] At least they don't stink up the car.

Tony: [offers an onion ring] Want one?

Ziva: No!

Tony: Your loss.

Ziva: Did Gibbs say anything to you about Agent Barrett? You know, about dating?

Tony: Nope.

Ziva: [sighs] Are you sure he knows?

Tony: He's Gibbs. He knows everything. He did read her the riot act, though.

Ziva: Well, that's not good, Tony. I mean, you should talk to Gibbs. You and him go way back! I mean, it's like the big rhinoceros in the room that no one wants to talk about.

Tony: Elephant.

Ziva: Huh?

Tony: It's an elephant in the room. It's not a hippopotamus, it's not a rhinoceros. It's an elephant.

Tony: I've always thought that the head slaps were sign of affection. Today in the squad room I was expecting one and I... I didn't get it. Are you pissed at me?

Gibbs: Rule number twelve.

Tony: Never date a co-worker. [laughs] Yeah, I know. She's pretty great, though. E.J. and I have a lot in common. She's easy to be with, you know. It's nice having somebody to talk to. NCIS doesn't have any policy against it, you know. There are married agents, and technically E.J. and I, well, we don't work together. We're on separate teams.

Gibbs: My team. My rules. [ignores phone call from Abby] Sleeping with Barrett's a bad idea.

Tony: No offense, but my personal life is my business.

Gibbs: It's going to effect your work.

Tony: No, it won't.

Gibbs: It already has.

Tony: I know what you're thinking: that I've lost focus, that I've taken my eye off the ball.

Gibbs: I depend on you.

Tony: Listen, we have to kind of cool it around the office from now on. You know what I mean?

EJ: You mean around Gibbs. He intimidates you.

Tony: Let's just say he presents a challenge. He sees what he shouldn't see. Hears what he shouldn't hear. He's like Alec Baldwin in The Shadow, and the shadow always knows.

EJ: You're scared of him.

Tony: [nods] Yep!

EJ: I'm not.

Tony: You should be.

Baltimore [8.22]

Tony: [reading his fortune cookie message] Love is for the lucky and the brave. Why is that for me?

Danny: Hey man, asking your high school music teacher out qualifies as brave in my book.

Tony: Wendy asked me out, remember?

Danny: See, that's why you can dress like that. 'Cause you're good-looking, but one of these days, the looks are going to run out.

Tony: I plan to be safely married by then, Danny.

Danny: Well if not, you might want to consider a new wardrobe. Seriously. Yeah, with the right clothes, you'd be unstoppable.

McGee: Look, I'm just saying that I think Tony is more upset than he's letting on.

Ziva: Yes, but he and his partner had not spoken in years.

McGee: Okay, let's say you and I hadn't spoken in years, and I get my throat slit by a serial killer.

Ziva: I would hunt him down, and make him regret the day he was born. You're not just any partner, McGee!

McGee: Neither is Tony.

Tony: [talking about Gibbs, in flashback] Who'd wanna be a navy cop? I'd rather have the plague.

[In a flashback, Tony is talking to Gibbs over the phone. Gibbs' cell rings in the background]

Tony: You need to get that?

Gibbs: No. My wife.

[...]

Gibbs: [phones rings again] Ah, I gotta get this one.

Tony: Is that your wife again?

Gibbs: Divorce lawyer.

Tony: Maybe being a cop isn't for me. [Gibbs smacks Tony on the head, to his surprise] Did you just physically assault me?

Gibbs: I don't have a lot of rules, but rule number five is 'you don't waste good.' You're good.

Tony: Thanks. [rubs the back of his head] Don't make a habit of that.

Swan Song [8.23]

Gibbs: Seaman Derek Balfour.

Franks: Sweet merciful crap, man. Am I really supposed to remember all these names?!?

Franks: Offer me a drink!

Gibbs: It's six o'clock in the morning!

Franks: [annoyed] Float a Cheerio in it!

Franks: Who the hell are all these people?

Abby: Oh. These are the new guys! Gibbs didn't tell you?

Franks: Man of few words.

Abby: I've noticed.

Ziva: There is always another monster.

Tony: Yep.

Ziva: I mean, we pursue them, but we just keep making targets of ourselves.

Tony: Better us than someone who didn't sign up for it.

Ziva: I don't think I can take anymore. [steps into Tony's arms]

Tony: Hey, we're going to get him, okay?

[Elevator door opens to reveal Abby and McGee hugging]

Tony: [motions with his arm] Bring it in.

[Abby and McGee join Tony and Ziva for a group hug]

Pyramid [8.24]

Ducky: 'Cause he's no longer about method or clue-trail or gamesmanship, Mr. Palmer. It's about hurting those responsible for putting him in this situation.

Palmer: Situation?

Gibbs: Operation: Frankenstein.

Vance: Good morning, Mr. Secretary.

Davenport: Like hell it is, Leon. This better be damned important!

Gibbs: Agent's dead., Mr. Secretary. Another critical. I don't know how much more important it can get.

[Gibbs reads a letter from Franks]

Franks: [v.o.] Too many years of lighting up finally caught up with me, Probie. For 3 decades, I outran every bullet aimed at me. Can't out run this - not with these lungs. Only got a few months left to go. And I plan to live 'em.

Gibbs: Never one to disappoint, were you, Mike?

EJ: [looking at Cobb sitting in interrogation] This isn't right. It's too easy.

Tony: He knows where Ziva is. There's nothing easy about it.

EJ: Cobb's playing us.

Tony: Playing Leroy Jethro Gibbs? He must have a death wish.

EJ: What does he want?

Tony: Rule 16: If someone thinks they have the upper hand, break it.

Jarvis: Director Vance, I'm authorizing Agent DiNozzo access to sensitive compartmental information commensurate with a black program. None of your other team members need to know, is that clear?

Vance: Actually Clay, I'm a little concerned.

Jarvis: Secretary Jarvis when we're talking shop. So an agent, somewhere in your organisation, is selling top secret information, and they need to be dealt with appropriately.

Vance: Mr. Secretary, I'd like to discuss this first.

Jarvis: There's nothing else to talk about... If you are uncomfortable with this, Agent DiNozzo and I can do it without you. [Sec Nav hands DiNozzo a file] Take a look. That's who you're handling. Do whatever it takes. Any questions?

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