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NCIS (season 5)

season of television series
NCIS: Seasons (1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17) | Los Angeles: Seasons (1 2 3 4 5 6 7) | New Orleans: Seasons 1 2 3 4 5 6 / Main

Bury Your Dead [5.1]

edit
Ziva / McGee: What're you doing here?
Ziva: I asked first.
McGee: Well technically, Ziva, I think that if we were to put that to the test you'd find that it was too close to call, but since my parents raised a gentleman and yours raised a killer, I was defragging my computers.
Ziva: Liar.
Jenny: His cover is teaching film online in American university.
Ziva: Tony, a teacher?
McGee: No wonder he's been compromised. Whose bright idea was that?
Jenny: Mine.
McGee: What was that for?
Tony: Believing I was dead.
McGee: Hey, I never believed that you were dead. Ziva was the one that gave up on you.
Ziva: Don't even think about the headslap.
Abby: Tony! I knew you'd be alright, I knew it! Everybody else gave you up for dead, even Ziva.
Ziva: OK, so I may have acted a little... hastily.
Tony: That's my letter opener!
Ziva: Excellent balance and weight. The edge is a little dull, but I have always admired it.
Tony: (checks his desk) Where's my American Pie coffee mug?
Abby: Palmer.
Tony: Mighty Mouse stapler?
Abby: Ducky. (looks over his shoulder) Hey, Ducky.
[Tony turns and sees Ducky, caught in the act of trying to replace Tony's Mighty Mouse stapler.]
Ducky: My dear fellow... I never believed it for a moment.
Tony: You ever lie to someone you love, Ziva?
Ziva: Yes.
Tony: They ever forgive you?
Ziva: They never found out.
Tony: Mine found out.

Family [5.2]

edit
Ziva: I'm just being curious.
McGee: About when I lost my virginity.
Ziva: No, you misunderstood. I'm not asking when you lost your virginity but if you lost it. [Seeing Tony working at his desk] What's wrong with this picture?
McGee: You mean, beside from Tony being here before us? And actually working?
Tony: I can hear you, you know.
[Ziva spots a letter on Tony's desk]
Ziva: I am here if you'd like to talk.
Tony: About what?
Ziva: I know how much you cared about her.
Tony: I'm fine, Ziva.
Ziva: All right. But I thought maybe you needed a little cheering up.
Tony: If I needed to be cheered up, I would've put superglue on McGee's keyboard.
McGee: [holds keyboard up] You put superglue on my keyboard!
Gibbs: Our hit-and-run just became shoot-and-scoot.
McGee: All right. I think I know what happened here.
Tony: Oh, twenty bucks says McGee's about to say something nobody understands again.
McGee: The GPS coordinates came bundled in a proprietary packet. Since it was a beta, I thought-
Gibbs: I'm starting to think you can't help yourself, McGee.
[Tony scrubs red donut jelly off of his shirt in front of mirror in men's room. Man at urinal gives him the side-eye]
Tony: Interrogation got a little out of hand. I had to---
[Door opens. Ziva enters men's room and casually leans against the wall]
Tony: I can't explain that. [Man at urinal grunts at the sight of Ziva, zips, and flushes urinal]
Ziva: Hello. [Glances at the man leaving the men's room] Again.
[Ziva confronts Tony in the men's room]
Tony: You know, I saw this on,uh, Cinemax once.
Ziva: So what happens now?
Tony: They play some funky music and then you say, "I have been watching you from afar."
Ziva: Well, I've been watching you from afar, Tony, which is why I know how much you cared for Jeanne.
Tony: Oh, your timing is impeccable, Ziva.
Ziva: And how much it hurt when she left. So, what happens now?
Tony: I said I'm fine.
Ziva: You are not fine. You are still deeply troubled.
Tony: Even if I was, this bothers you because...?
Ziva: Because you are my partner. And because you made a grave error in judgment falling in love with that girl.
Tony: If this is a pep-talk, I give you a D-minus.
Ziva: And right now, it is very clear you are still hanging onto her.
Tony: I see the confusion. These are called "feelings," Ziva.
Ziva: Feelings you need to let go.
Tony: That easy, huh?
Ziva: Tony, even if by some miracle Jeanne did forgive you, would you be willing to be Tony DiNardo full-time, to leave your entire life behind for her? You did not think this through.
Tony: Didn't you tell me the heart wants what it wants?
Ziva: No. Actually, I didn't.
Tony: Well it does.
Ziva: Well it shouldn't.
Tony: Really. This coming from the woman who fell in love with the dead man walking.
Ziva: You crossed the line, Tony.
Tony: Oh, I crossed the line?
Gibbs: Do I need to send you two back to the men's room?
Tony: Hey! She followed me in there!
Ziva: Only because you wouldn't talk to me!
Tony: [Gibbs stares them down] Shutting up, Boss.
Abby: The prints were made by a residue of polysaccharide dust derived from belta-glucose. What makes it interesting, is the backbone of D-xylopyranose, linked with eight xylose units... Panda poop.
Gibbs: Panda?
Abby: Poop. Which is why it fluoresces, like all other poop does. What makes it really, really interesting... is the sodium hydrochloride, a.k.a Chlorine bleach. [pause] I, lost you at "poop", huh.
Gibbs: Uh-huh.

Ex-File [5.3]

edit
[Tony enters the squad room singing "Luck Be a Lady" out loud and listening to his iPod]
[Ziva makes the "cut it out" sign]
Tony: Hi. [notices Gibbs glaring at him] Hey Boss. Sorry about that. It's, uh, Sinatra. You gotta sing along. I mean it's Old Blue Eyes, Chairman of the Board. I'm gonna rat pack it up.
[Gibbs turns and glares at Abby, who is smiling away]
[McGee is intently listening to his iPod at his desk]
McGee's iPod: Becoming an alpha male means that without saying a word, you're able to project confidence and sexuality simply through your body language....
[Unbeknownst to McGee, Gibbs has been standing right next to him glaring at him all this time. McGee notices and jumps, startled.]
McGee: MIT lecture. [Gibbs continues staring at him] Nothing I can't listen to on my own time.
Abby: It's the newest version Gibbs. It's 160 gigabytes. You could download like 40,000 songs.
Gibbs: I only listen to 5, Abs.
Abby: Five thousand?
Gibbs: No! Five!
Abby: Oh Gibbs, we really have to broaden your horizons. I could download some of my music for you.
[Col Mann and Gibbs are in front of the house/crime scene while Tony, Ziva and McGee are prepping and bringing their equipment out of the van]
McGee: Dead Marine.
Ziva: Army base.
Tony: Her rock smashes his scissors, which puts the Colonel on top.
Mann: You work for me on this one Jethro. It's my army base, my crime scene.
Gibbs: And my people, my office.
[McGee observes Mann and Gibbs from the van]
Mann: They know we're still seeing each other?
[Gibbs smiles at her]
McGee: She--
Ziva: Still on top?
McGee: Seeing Gibbs.
Tony: Same thing. But an excellent question nonetheless, Probie.
Tony: Crash and burn, only a matter of time.
Ziva: What?
Tony: Not a what. A whom. Colonel Mann, Gibbs. Army/Navy joint operation.
Ziva: Could last a lifetime.
Tony: Behind the torture techniques and the contract killings, Ziva, you're really just a...
Ziva: A whom?
Tony: Whom? Not a whom, it's more, it's a what.
Ziva: A what, then?
Tony: What then? Uh... what? What...
Ziva: I'm still just a what?
Fred Rinnert: A girl.
[both stop and look at him in surprise]
[Inside Director Jenny Shepard's office]
Mann: We have, uh, a little issue.
Jenny: We?
Mann: You want to tell her, Agent Gibbs?
Gibbs: [mutters] No, not particularly.
Jenny: Is this issue going to involve lawyers?
Mann: It already did. [Gibbs looks away uncomfortably] It's his ex-wife. She's a material witness.
Jenny: And which ex would that be?
Gibbs: Stephanie.
Jenny: What number is she again? Second?
Gibbs: Third.
Jenny: All right. You lived in Europe with her for a while, Frankfurt?
Gibbs: Moscow.
Jenny: Two years?
Gibbs: One.
Jenny: Well, it's hard to live in Moscow. With anyone. [to Mann] Do you think he should "divorce" himself from this case, Colonel Mann?
Mann: No, no, ma'am, no.
Jenny: Nor do I. I don't see a problem if you conduct the interview. [to Gibbs] Do you have a problem with Colonel Mann interviewing your ex-wife Agent Gibbs?
Gibbs: Do I have a choice?
Mann & Jenny: No.
Tony: Who do you think is prettier? Ex-wife number three, or future ex-wife number four?
Ziva: Colonel Mann is at a disadvantage because of her uniform. [pause] Tell me you're not trying to imagine her without her uniform, Tony!
Abby: Yes, because neither rain nor sleet nor any class of simple atomic substance will keep me from my appointed duty, sir!
Ducky: You know, a man's heart often tells us how he lived. Sometimes, it might even tell us how he died, but contrary to popular myth, it never tells us how he loved.
Mann: The husband, the wife and the lover. All the trademarks of a classic love triangle.
Tony: You forgot the lover's lover which would make it technically, I think, a lover's quadrangle.
Hollis Mann: Bring her in for another interview.
Gibbs: Wait.
Hollis Mann: I said bring her in.
Gibbs: And I said wait.
Tony: This never turns out well for the kids.
Abby: Gibbs has this uncanny ability to know when I've found something. I don't even know what I've found yet.
Fred: Well he didn't seem happy.
Abby: Oh, no, no, no. He never is. Even when he is happy, and I doubt he's happy right now. But, you know, I am his favorite, so he's usually pretty good with me.
[Gibbs, Mann, Abby, Tony and Ziva confront Fred at the elevator]
Gibbs: So it was greed, huh.
Mann: DiNozzo?
Tony: My acting boss says you ain't going anywhere.
Gibbs: What did you sell and who did you sell it to?
Fred: Maybe if you cut me a deal, I'll tell you.
Gibbs: [smiles] Abby?
[Gibbs steps aside and Abby punches Fred in the face. Everyone winces except...]
McGee: [grins] Sweet.
[Tony arrests Fred]

Identity Crisis [5.4]

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[Ducky is in his autopsy room instructing a group of medical interns]
Ducky: The adult human brain weighs approximately three pounds.
Palmer: Feels like a soggy grape fruit.
[After a moment, one of the interns notices silver fluid leaking out of the removed brain.]
Lt. Carl Greer: Uh, Doctor? Is this natural?
Ducky: [cups his hands and catches the liquid] Certainly not.
Lt. Carl Greer: What the hell is that?
Ducky: [in horror] This, my dear lieutenant... is murder.
[Ziva and McGee are focused at his computer and grinning as Tony walks in]
Ziva: [chuckles] Aw, not bad....
McGee: Look at this one... you're gonna love this guy.
Ziva: Yeah, he would not be safe with me... I would eat him.
McGee: He's so adorable! How can you say no to that face...
Ziva: [chuckles]
Tony: Please tell me you're looking for a man for Ziva.
Ziva: [gives him a stare] Not me.
Tony: Oh! [wanders over] McGoo... is there something you wanna tell me?
McGee: Looking at animal rescue sites.
Ziva: McGee's thinking about getting a puppy.
Tony: Puppy's a lot of work. You gotta feed it, walk it, train it.
McGee: Yeah, I'm not twelve, alright. I work hard. I deserve someone who will jump up, all excited when I get home, you know. Lay on the couch, watch TV. Maybe lick my face a little bit...
Ziva: [exchanges amused looks with him and chuckles]
Tony: Might be easier getting a girlfriend.
Ziva: [gives him a distasteful look] Ehh.
McGee: Which might be even easier with a puppy. [Tony gets a look on his face, slowly meeting McGee's gaze] Even for you.
Tony: I'm not ready to start taking tips on this from you on this yet, probie.
McGee: Tony, I think it's time you get back on that horse.
Ziva: [looks confused] Are you getting a pony?
Tony: It's an adage.
Ziva: I'm not familiar with that breed.
Tony: Yeah, well they are quite rare. Sort of a cross between a Pegasus and a unicorn. So, who's the favorite?
Ziva: [annoyed] The Pit Bull.
Tony: Yeah, that makes sense for you, actually. Not really for McGee. He's more like a Spaniel kind of guy. Cocker, maybe?
[Tony, Ziva and McGee are discussing which dog to get as Gibbs walks past]
Gibbs: How about an Australian Shepherd.
Tony: Oh.
Gibbs: [deadpan] They're working dogs.
[Tony, Ziva and McGee start to get up to help Gibbs]
Gibbs: Siiiiiit. [they slowly sit back down] Stay. [smiles and walks off] Roll over.
Tony: Highland Beach in October. Not much of a tourist draw. Soft-shelled crab season's almost over. People really like boats that much?
Gibbs: You work for the Navy, DiNozzo.
Abby: This is why I love you guys. You bring me hair, you bring me blood, you bring me fluids... and mercury.
[At Fornell's office]
Gibbs: Who do you work for Tobias? Homeland Security or the FBI?
Fornell: World's on my shoulders Gibbs.
Gibbs: World made of paper.
[...]
Fornell: Kinda defeats the purpose of e-mail when you have to print it all out for the file anyway.
Gibbs: Yeah. That's why I don't use it.
Fornell: Really? Not because you can't figure out how to work it?
[Gibbs, Fornell and Jenny Shepard enter MTAC where Tony, Ziva and Courtney are waiting for them]
FBI Agent Courtney Krieger: The boss looks mad.
[Fornell glares at her]
Ziva: He's going to chew you up.
Tony: Out. "Chew you out." Or maybe not. Maybe he's one of those silent killer types.
Fornell: [in disbelief] You think the kid's Kamal? He would have had to start when he was eight years old!
Tony: Not if he's the new Dread Pirate Roberts.
Abby: [gasps] I love The Princess Bride! "No one would ever surrender to the Dread Pirate Westley."
[They laugh, Gibbs and Fornell stare blankly at both of them.]
Tony: [turns his laugh into a cough] Uh, the Dread Pirate Roberts picks a successor, trains him, starts calling him "Roberts," then settles into a cushy retirement. It's the name Kamal that sells the business.
Tony: [watching an arrest in MTAC] An NCIS production. Brought to you by Leroy Jethro Gibbs. [On screen, FBI agents are running into building] Starring, as usual, the FBI, and the elusive Kamal Konkani.
Gibbs: Freeze it.
[The picture freezes as Fornell and Krieger seize the real Kamal.]
Tony: [British accent] The Dread Pirate Roberts, I presume.
Ziva: [mimicking his accent] Did you get her number?
Tony: Who, Courtney? No.
Ziva: I did.

Leap of Faith [5.5]

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[McGee and Tony enter a therapist's waiting room. Tony is about to knock on the therapist's office door when McGee stops him]
McGee: Woah, no, no no. Don't do that!
Tony: Do what?
McGee: The doctor might be in with a patient, Tony. [He turns on a light switch]
Tony: That tells him someone's here?
[Tony impatiently switches the switch on and off several times quickly]
McGee: Haven't you ever been to a therapist before?
Tony: Me? No. [Sits on a couch] You?
McGee: Yeah. Once when I was young.
Tony: For your acrophobia?
McGee: You're blowing that all out of proportion, Tony.
Tony: Well, you showed a pathological fear of heights earlier today.
McGee: I was staring down ten stories. Being a little disoriented is a little understandable.
Tony: Disoriented? You had your panties in a twist. Tears in your eyes. Oh, wait. I couldn't see your eyes because they were shut so tight! You were hysterical like a little girl!
McGee: I was not.
Tony: You were hugging the ladder. Ladder hugger. And I got the photographic evidence. [Pulls out a camera phone] Let technology show you the truth. [Shows McGee a video of him nervously on the ladder]
McGee: My eyes are not closed. I was blinking.
Tony: [Looks at the video] Oh. Oh, is that- Is that what you were doing? Let's let the people decide.
McGee: You're not going to post that on YouTube?
Tony: I might.
McGee: You give me that thing or I'm gonna-- [Tony shuts the phone] Hey! [Begins wrestling for the phone]
Tony: [Holding the phone away from McGee's grasp] What are you gonna do? What are you gonna do?
[Both begin fighting over the phone]
Dr. Flemming: Hey, hey. Hey. [Both stop fighting] You two have deeper issues than you discussed on the phone.
Tony: On the phone?
Dr. Flemming: Aren't you the couple who called up about marriage counseling?
McGee: [Realizes] Couple? Us? No, no... [Begins moving away from Tony]
Tony: It's okay, Timmy. Timmy. We're in a safe place. We can be ourselves here. [McGee quickly moves away from Tony and stands in front of Dr. Fleming] We just got back from Vermont. Pretty this time of year.
McGee: Sorry. [Shows Dr. Fleming his badge] NCIS. Special Agents McGee, and DiNozzo.
Tony: [Stands] Very special agents.
[Abby comes up to the empty squadroom late at night when no one else is there. She sits at Gibbs' desk and puts his reading glasses on.]
Abby: [Imitating Gibbs] I heard that, DiNozzo. Another wise-ass comment like that, I'll smack you so hard, your grandchildren will feel it. [Looks at McGee's desk] Think it's funny, McGee? Wipe that smile off your face. [Looks at Ziva's desk] That goes for you, too, David. [Picks up the phone] Special Agent Gibbs! [realizes that Gibbs is behind her, slowly takes off Gibbs' glasses] You're standing behind me, aren't you?
Gibbs: Yep. [comes over] Feeling real secure about your job, are you, Abs?
Abby: Um, not so much anymore.
[McGee has just saved Tony from falling from a high level of a parking garage and they are both sitting on the ground against the concrete partition, panting.]
Tony: I love you, McGee. [pats McGee's knee] I promise never to give you a hard time again.
McGee: Yeah, right. [Tony pats McGee's chest, McGee bats his hand away.]

Chimera [5.6]

edit
[Tony shoots a drinking straw wrapper at Ziva]
Ziva: Don't you have paperwork, DiNozzo?
Tony: What do you think I'm doing? I take the paper, and I make it work. [shoots another wrapper]
Tony: [singing] Baa, baa, black sheep... have you any wool?... Yes, sir, yes, sir... but in order to see it, you're gonna need top-secret government clearance...
Tony: What do your... astute ninja Mossad senses tell you it is?
[McGee stumbles and falls backwards]
Tony: Steady Probie.
McGee: Tell that to my stomach.
Tony: [crouches down] Steady Probie's stomach.
Abby: You guys okay?
McGee: Oh, yeah, we're peachy. I am dealing with my boat phobia, Tony is dealing with his rat phobia and Ziva's dealing with her ghost phobia.
Abby: So, what's Gibbs dealing with?
Gibbs: Them.
Tony: I knew it. I'm gonna die. I inhaled it. God! Definitely didn't picture my demise like this. I always figured I'd go out like Cagney in White Heat. Fiery explosion. Or Redford and Newman. Butch Cassidy. Hail of bullets.
Gibbs: Or Charlie Chaplin in The Gold Rush.
Tony: How'd he die?
Gibbs: Silently.
[Tony is carrying a dead rat through the abandoned ship.]
Tony: Yes, Alex, I'll take "Horror Films That Take Place On Ships" for 500, thank you. [The lights go out] Oh, goody. Double Jeopardy.
Tony: So this whole thing was a Russian black ops mission to recover their nuke?
McGee: So pirates that weren't really pirates were actually Russian sailors who were on a covert mission to steal a Navy research ship that wasn't actually a Navy research ship in order to get back nuclear weapons that we thought they didn't think we had retrieved?
Gibbs: [smiles] Uh-huh.
Ducky: You were right, Ziva. There is someone on board.
Ziva: Not him. There's someone alive. I can feel it.
Tony: A lion-headed dragon goat?
Ziva: Maybe.

Requiem [5.7]

edit
Tony: [desperately applying CPR to Gibbs's chest] Come on... come on! Don't make me kiss you, Boss.
Ziva: She knew.
McGee: Reads Gibbs like a book.
Tony: Short read, not a lot of dialogue.
Ziva: Your kind of book.
Tony: Are you suggesting I don't read?
McGee: I think she's suggesting you only look at the pictures, Tony.
Tony: Soldier of fortune's about to become a soldier of misfortune.
Ziva: Dogs of war about to taste the hair of the dogs.
Jenny: Any idea where he's going?
Tony: No.
Jenny: Hazard a guess?
Tony: Well, he took his badge and his gun, maybe he's going to shoot someone.
McGee: [goes to Gibbs's desk and opens a drawer] Oh, boy! [holds up Gibbs's badge]
Ziva: Sergeant Haas comes back from Iraq, and the first thing he does is try to move in with a girl he's dated twice. Why?
Tony: He's a man.
Ziva: What does she have that he does not?
Tony: A bed.

Designated Target [5.8]

edit
Ziva: [on the phone] No, no, no, it's not you, it's just... well, you know, these things run their course, and, ah... well, you, you must accept--
Tony: Personal call, David?
Ziva: Yes. Go away!
Tony: Somebody being dumped?
Ziva: Oh - how do you tell someone you no longer want to see them?
Tony: Easy. [grabs Ziva's phone] Listen, dirtbag, this is Ziva's husband. I have your phone number now, I can find your address; if you ever try to contact her again, I will reach down your throat, grab your intestines, rip them out and drive over your head! Lose this number or lose your life! [hangs up, hands the phone back to Ziva] You're welcome.
Ziva: That was my Aunt Nettie from Tel Aviv. She was trying to stop seeing her eighty-six-year-old mah jong partner.
Tony: Why didn't you stop me?
Ziva: Too stunned.
Tony: Where do I send flowers?
Ziva: If you communicate with her again, I will kill you.
McGee: [entering the squad room in his sunglasses] Is it always this bright in here?
Tony: Wait a second, I recognize that look. You had sex, and I'm guessing it was with a girl.
McGee: No...
Tony: No, it wasn't a girl?
McGee: No, it's none of your business.
Tony: If the probie was probing last night, I demand details.
Tony: [after Gibbs dope-slaps him] You know, repeated head trauma causes brain damage.
McGee: Explains a lot.
Tony: Is this side of my head bigger?
Ziva: Yes. But so is the other side.
Gibbs: That lipstick on your collar McGee?
McGee: [uneasily] Well...
Gibbs: Good for you, Tim. Good for you. Just don't ever get married.
Ziva: You're xenophobic.
Tony: I'm not Xena-phobic. It's one of my favorite shows. Leather skirts, lesbian sword-fighting, female empowerment. But maybe I'm a little Ziva-phobic.
[Tony is fiddling with his computer, the plasma screen goes blank.]
Gibbs: Tell me you didn't just lose all that information!
Tony: McGee! [McGee hunches over Tony's computer] Space bar?
McGee: [typing] Just push the buttons I tell you to push, monkey.
Tony: Love is not treating you well, my friend.
McGee: Yeah, no kidding.
Ziva: Do you ever think about soulmates?
Tony: They were on Decca, right? Big hit, mid-'70s? Sort of a disco thing? Sing a few bars, I'll get it.
Ziva: You'll never get it.
McGee: Abby, what do I do? It's like, I'm nuts for this girl, you know? And she's just... nuts.
McGee: She does this for fun! She's been arrested twice! She steals people's money, she buys things...
Abby: The crazy ones are the best(?)
McGee: See, the weird thing is... I kinda dig it, you know?
Abby: Okay, love is never having to read her her Miranda rights, but she's gonna do this to somebody else. Throw her psycho ass in the brig. I love you, McGee. That should be enough.

Lost and Found [5.9]

edit
Ziva: I'm driving.
Tony: I'm dead.
Ziva: I'm a trained navigator, Tony.
Tony: Yeah? Well, I got an A in Geography. Plus, I'm senior field agent. I'm pulling rank.
Ziva: I'm also a trained assassin.
Abby: You know what my biggest pet peeve is, McGee?
McGee: People who say they're vegetarians but eat chicken.
Abby: ...Okay, yes. You know what my second biggest pet peeve is?
McGee: People who mishandle evidence.
Abby: ...Yes again.
Tony: God! Oh, God, these are new boots!
Ziva: This is not the time for sightseeing, Tony!
Tony: The only sight I see is your big black...
Ziva: Hey!
Tony: Backpack! Walking faster!
Jenny: Taylor's phone was just activated, we're tracking it now.
Tony: Welcome to the club. I wouldn't say it's a fun one.
Gibbs: You sound tired, DiNozzo.
Tony: Following Ziva, even the dogs are tired.

Corporal Punishment [5.10]

edit
Tony: [after hitting the comic book McGee's reading] Does that make you wanna hit me?
McGee: It's really tempting. But I think I'm gonna pass. [Ziva walks in] Maybe Ziva'll do it.
Ziva: Maybe Ziva will do what?
Tony: I've been working on my six-pack. You know? Abs.
Ziva: You and Abby have been drinking?
Tony: No, abdominals. No more beer gut for me. I've been training hardcore. Hitting the core hard. Carved. Hard as wood.
McGee: To match your head.
McGee: [after Tony asks Ziva to hit him in the abdomen] As hard as she can?
Tony: As hard as you can.
McGee: You know that's how Houdini died?
Tony: Ziva, did you kill Houdini?
Ziva: It is possible, I do not remember all their names.
Tony: [As Tommy Lee Jones] All right, listen up, people. Our fugitive has been on the run for 90 minutes.
Ziva: It has been 3 hours, Tony.
Tony: Average foot speed over uneven ground, barring injuries, is 4 miles per hour.
Ziva: He's not on foot, he's in a car!
Tony: What I need from each and every one of you is a hard-target search of every gas station, residence, warehouse, farmhouse, henhouse, outhouse and doghouse in the area. Our fugitive has a name. And it is...
Gibbs: Corporal Damon Werth.
McGee: Hey, the Tommy Lee Jones speech every time we have a fugitive? Really?
Tony: When you're dealing with a guy on the run, you gotta climb inside his head, think his thoughts. What would he do? Where would he go?
McGee: Did one armed man murder his wife?
Tony: Would he dress up like a clown and join a traveling circus, like Jimmy Stewart in The Greatest Show on Earth?
Ziva: Do any of your ideas come from reality?
Tony: Sure. Just not your reality.
Ziva: Could you try to zero in on Werth's reality?
Tony: Considering the dude skipped the looney bin, maybe a little bit of non-linear fuzzy logic is the key to tracking him.
McGee: Maybe he was accused of a crime he didn't commit and is trying to promptly escape to the Los Angeles underground.
Tony: [stares at McGee] He's not The A-Team, McGee.
Gibbs: You got yourself in a mess, Corporal. Gonna have to get yourself out of it. What seems to be the problem? [hunches down and bellows directly into Werth's ear] WHAT SEEMS TO BE THE PROBLEM, MARINE?
Werth: [snaps upright] I want to kill someone, sir!
Gibbs: Anyone in particular?
Werth: Anyone will do, sir!
Gibbs: Does that feel right to you, son?
Werth: No, sir. It does not. I'm not right, sir. But it's not my fault.
Gibbs: All you care about is selling the war.
Ray: You don't support the war?
Gibbs: I support the men fighting it.
Tony: What were you having feelings about? You just said you were having feelings.
Ziva: I said I have feelings, not that I am having feelings.
McGee: That is a pretty sophisticated grammatical differentiation.
Tony: Don't change the subject with your big words, McNerd. Ziva says she had a feeling. Tell us about this feeling. What was this feeling?
Ziva: I felt, uh... overwhelmed. Temporarily. Which does not often happen to me. When we were wrestling with Werth. [Tony and McGee look at each other] What? What is this look?
Tony: Nothing. [Ziva goes back to working, Tony and McGee smile] You like him.
Ziva: I thought he was powerful.
McGee: You really like him.
Ziva: No I am saying he is stronger than any man I have encountered. But strength should not decide a battle. There is a weapon for every fight.
McGee: You itchin' for a rematch?
Tony: Wanna roll around on the ground with him some more?
Ziva: I am trying to describe something -- complicated.
Tony: It's not complicated, Ziva. It's Conan.
McGee: To her Red Sonja.
Tony: Nice.
Ziva: It only lasted a moment.
Tony: You had a moment. A moment and a feeling. And a smack to the head, broken nose, dislocated shoulder. It's been a banner day.
Gibbs: Easy on the painkillers, DiNozzo.
[Werth has a seizure, Ziva administers a shot of adrenaline. Tony and McGee are watching on the security cameras.]
Tony: [alarmed] She's pulling a Pulp Fiction...
McGee: [alarmed] On the Hulk!
Gibbs: Courage doesn't have anything to do with medals. It's simple. You run to the gunfire, not away from it.

Tribes [5.11]

edit
Ziva: Tony! Your power of observation is unearthly. Now leave me alone!
[...]
[Tony finds out Ziva is taking a Film Studies course]
Ziva: I'm taking it because it is the best way to pick up American colloquialism, like "Bug off!"
Tony: I'm sorry, the correct answer's Full Metal Jacket.
Ziva: That was not the best Marine movie. A Few Good Men was.
Tony: Based on the fact that I am right, I'm overruling you.
[McGee and Ziva are debating who should be the one to plant a bug in a mosque]
McGee: Alright, then we’ll flip for it.
Ziva: If I flip you, you will get hurt.
Tony: [whispers] You can take her, Probie.
Gibbs: Have I come at a bad time?
Brent Langer: Jethro! [he and Gibbs hug while Jenny stares at them] How are you?
Gibbs: How'd they let you in here, newbie?
Langer: Ah man, it's been a long time.
Jenny: You two know each other. How nice.
Gibbs: Taught him everything he's forgotten.
Langer: I thought you retired.
Gibbs: I tried.
Langer: Ah, well, you look good, old man. Hey, listen sorry about our inconvenient convergence here.
Gibbs: What?
Langer: [Jenny stares at him] Gibbs used to fine me for every $3 word I used.
Jenny: How much?
Langer: $3 a word.
Gibbs: You owe me six.
Langer: See? [hands some dollar bills to Gibbs]
Jenny: Marines?
Langer: No, actually I started here. Gibbs took me under his wing and then proceeded to crush me.
Gibbs: [smiles] Nothing you didn't deserve.
Langer: Left me with no choice but to crawl over to the FBI.
Gibbs: Yeah! And they actually hired you!
Langer: Yeah, can you believe that?
Tony: [watching Langer leave] What an ass.
Ziva: [looking down admiringly] Yes, indeed.
Tony: You’re Langer-leering. You’re leering at Langer.
Ziva: What if I am, Tony? He’s cute.
Tony: He -- cute, he’s not cute, he’s like --
Ziva: [puts her finger over Tony’s mouth] Shh. Don’t speak.
Tony: [impressed] Bullets Over Broadway. Woody Allen.
Ziva: Very good. You get a B in my class.
Tony: I could teach your class.
Ziva: I spent my summers in Haifa.
Khalid Mohammed Bakr: [Picks up the tea she has offered him] You make it Arab-style, huh? Strong.
Ziva: I like strong.
Khalid: You like Muslims?
Ziva: Yes.
Khalid: May I ask why? I don’t mean to offend, I’m just curious.
Ziva: When you grow up in Israel, most of your neighbors as Muslim, my best friend was a Muslim Arab. He was a young boy, we were very close.
Khalid: Are you still close?
Ziva: No, he was killed. When I was twelve, by an Israel missile strike on a hotel.
Khalid: There’s been too much death.
Ziva: I agree.
Gibbs: Get him.
Tony: Got him.
McGee: Good.
[Tony, digging through Ziva’s desk, has just discovered a "Movies for Morons" book]
Tony: Ah-ha!
Ziva: [snatches it out of his hand] I have killed for less.
Tony: You cheated.
Ziva: I did not.
Tony: Yes you did! That is a book about movies! I bet you never saw all those movies. You just read the book.
Ziva: I like books.
Tony: I like movies.
Ziva: Do not quote books, I will not quote movies.
Tony: What if it’s a book that’s been made into a movie?

Stakeout [5.12]

edit
[McGee is walking along the street wearing an earpiece. Tony is watching him from an apartment speaking to him through the earpiece.]
McGee: Pusher's back.
Tony: I'm starvin' like Lee Marvin, McGee! What's taking you so long?
McGee: Just making another deal.
Tony: We're here to find out who stole Navy radar. Stash kid across the street, he's not our problem unless he's pushing steak and cheese hoagies.
McGee: I'm a sworn federal agent, Tony. Not gonna stand by and watch a felony go down.
Tony: [sarcastically] That's a good idea. Blow our stakeout over a $50 crack sale. If Gibbs doesn't slap you silly I will.
McGee: Oh, you're gonna slap me?
[Unknown to McGee, a hooker is behind him listening.]
Hooker: If that's what you want, honey.
[McGee turns around, stunned.]
Tony: [observing McGee through binoculars] Go for it, McFreaky. Goldilocks is just your type.
McGee: [to Tony, annoyed] Bite me.
Hooker: [puts her hands all over McGee] That'll be extra.
[McGee steps back and is nearly run over by a car. Tony, still watching through the binoculars, laughs at him.]
Ziva: [talking about the man the hooker picked up] Personally I think she could have done better.
Tony: Come what?
Ziva: The jack she is with is gross.
Tony: You mean "john?"
Ziva: You know him?
Tony: [shakes head] Oh my God.
Tony: Any good tips? On the case?
Det. Sparr: You're here because I didn't return your call.
Tony: Well that would have been nice, yeah.
Det. Sparr: Well, when I'm in the middle of an investigation, I don't return social calls.
Tony: What makes you think it was social?
Det. Sparr: The way you stared at my ass the other day.
Tony: How do you know my interest in your ass wasn't purely professional?
Ziva: Tony still has not got me back for the binoculars.
McGee: I thought you two shook on it, no more practical jokes.
Ziva: [Laughs] Do you trust DiNozzo?
McGee: Point well taken.
McGee: Demonstration for Gibbs. You know how hard it is to explain technical stuff to him.
Abby: Yeah, good thinking. It's like every time I try to explain something science-y his eyes glaze over and he gives me that 'will you shut up and get to the point?' look. [nervous pause] He's behind me, isn't he?
McGee: No.
Nikki Jardine: Um, Ziva? I don't know if I should say anything or not, but I saw Tony putting something under your car --
Ziva: What? When?
Nikki Jardine: What, I don't know. When? This morning.
Ziva: Ha! I told you, I told you he could not be trusted! [rushes out]
McGee: Was Tony really messing with her car?
Nikki Jardine: No. Tony just told me to tell Ziva that when I saw her.
Det. Sparr: Gibbs always throws soft balls?
Tony: I've seen him make a 300-pound drill instructor cry.

Dog Tags [5.13]

edit
Abby: (seeing McGee drive in) Hey McGee! (seeing the bandage on his neck and hand) Oh my god! What happened to you?
McGee: I was attacked by a vicious dog.
Abby: Are you okay? (pulling at the bandage to see his wounds)
McGee: Yeah, careful, careful.
Abby: Sorry, did you provoke it?
McGee: (as she re-places the bandage) If you consider serving a warrant "provoking"!
Abby: What happened to the dog?
McGee: He was shot!
Abby: What? (gasps, opens the back door and sees the dog muzzled with his legs tied) McGee! Poor thing!
McGee: (as she un-clips the ties and takes off the muzzle) Abby? Abby! Careful that is one vicious dog!
Abby: Hi. (as the dog licks her hands) Yeah, McGee, he's really "vicious"!
McGee: Well, Ducky and Jimmy sedated him, hoping you can get some evidence off of him.
Abby: There, that's better. Who would shoot this cute little dog? Aw, look at you... [realizing, she turns around and glares at McGee]
McGee: It was self-defense. It-it was self-defense!
Abby: You shot that cute little dog?!
McGee: He's not cute and little! He's, he's vicious and large!
[The dog whines piteously.]
Abby: How could you shoot an innocent animal, McGee?!
McGee: Abby, that dog is not innocent, he killed someone!
Abby: Dogs don't kill people! People kill people!
McGee: People with dogs that kill people kill people!
Abby: You didn't kill anyone, did you? No.
[Abby grabs McGee's jacket and cuddles the dog.]
McGee: (as Abby whips his jacket off his shoulders) That's my Hugo Boss! Hey! Don't you think that you're compromising the evidence with my $500 jacket?
Abby: If you think that I can't distinguish the fibers on your stupid jacket from the evidence on the dog, you don't know me, McGee! And right now, I don't want to know you! [to the dog, kindly] Good dog. [to McGee, angrily] Bad McGee!
Tony: Boss, we've already been through all of this. I mean, I got no leads, Ziva's flirted with every seaman on the base, and McGee's watched a hundred hours of Petty Officer Junction.
McGee: Hundred and fifty, actually.
Abby: (To the dog) Who's a good Jethro?
Gibbs: (Enters Abby's lab, she doesn't see) I'm a good Jethro.
Abby: Don't be mad, be flattered. He's just so strong and handsome and quiet, so I decided to call him Jethro.
McGee: (as Jethro barks) The dog should have a muzzle on it Abby.
Abby: Put a muzzle on yourself, McGee. It's not like he shot you!
McGee: Or maybe it's another one of his victims and he's confessing.
Gibbs: Or maybe it's his lunch.
Ducky: Only if he was a cannibal, Jethro.
[Jethro (the dog), barks twice.]
Ducky: I wasn't talking to you. And you may want to cover your eyes. (to Gibbs) What's here is not human... it's canine.
[Jethro whines pitifully and Abby covers his eyes.]
[McGee and a dog handler come down to pick up Jethro, to find Abby has locked herself and Jethro in her office playing 'Lovecats' loudly, ignoring them. McGee is still trying to nudge the glass door open and get her attention as Jethro growls]
Abby: Pay no attention to him, Jethro.
McGee: (sighs) Abby, open the door. (no response) Jethro has to go now... Abby!
Abby: I can't hear you, McGee!
McGee: If you can't hear me, why did you answer?
[Abby frowns and gets up to turn the music up louder, then turns to face them.]
Abby: I am not opening the door until Jethro is proven innocent!
McGee: Abby, do not make a scene!
Abby: Too late, McGee! I am in full scene mode!
McGee: You can't stay in there forever.
Abby: [indicating a large container of Caf-Pow] I'm fully stocked on both Caf-Pow... [indicating a bag of dog food] ...and kibble. I'm good for at least a few days. (Jethro barks)
Jenny: He doesn't look too good, does he?
Abby: You think it's because he knows he's on death row? That would put a damper on anyone's spirits.
Abby: McGee, Jethro is fine. I'm taking up a collection for flowers.
McGee: Why would I give flowers to a dog that attacked me?
Abby: Um, maybe because dog is man's best friend. Or maybe because I am a forensic scientist and I can boil you from the inside out and never leave a trace.
[McGee quickly puts money in the container]
McGee: Hey Abs. (notices her sad expression whilst hugging Jethro)
Abby: Hey.
McGee: What's wrong?
Abby: Gibbs asked the base commander if I could keep Jethro.
McGee: He said "no"?
Abby: He said "yes".
McGee: Then why are you...?
Abby: My landlord said "no".
McGee: Well that's too bad.
Abby: I have to find Jethro a good home. He's a distinguished veteran. He deserves to be happy, McGee.
McGee: Abby, no, no, no!
Abby: You have been looking for a dog, Timmy!
McGee: That dog tasted my blood and I think he liked it!
Abby: Okay, sometimes you have to look at the reality in front of you and just accept it. You are taking Jethro. Accept it. McGee, Jethro...shake. (neither moves) Okay Jethro you'll have to be the bigger man. (Jethro puts his paw in McGee's hand and as McGee smiles, Jethro growls at him)

Internal Affairs [5.14]

edit
Jenny: Long way from San Diego, Leon.
Vance: SecNav felt this warranted a plane ticket.
Jenny: You interrogating my agents? I assume you have a suspect. [Vance smirks.] And you've been brought in to oversee. Well, Assistant Director Vance, you gonna ask for them?
[She removes her gun and badge from her desk drawer.]
Vance: Under the authority of the Secretary of the Navy, as acting director of NCIS, I hereby relieve you of your duties. I'm sorry, Jenny, you're suspended.
Abby: [as they are waiting in Evidence Garage] Ooh! Tarot cards. Want to see what happens next?
Tony: I am dying with anticipation. [gets distracted]
Abby: Tony!
Tony: Hm?
Abby: We are about to summon the elusive elements of the cosmos. Concentrate.
Tony: I'm with you. Call the spirits. Tell them to bring a pizza.
Ziva: [as Jeanne Benoit passes] Be a man, Tony.
Tony: She accused me of murder.
Ziva: Who is the bad guy? Be a man. Go tell her what she needs to hear.
Tony: I'm sorry you got caught in the middle of all this.
Jeanne: Was any of it real, Tony?
Tony: No.
Gibbs: Long Live the Queen.

In The Zone [5.15]

edit
Ziva: [walks in, smiling and carries a coffee to McGee's desk] For the one you got me last week.
McGee: Aw, thank you.
Ziva: [leans in to see what he's looking at on screen and gasps] That is quite a kiss, McGee!
McGee: [grins] Not bad for a wallpaper, huh?
Ziva: [chuckles] Well, you seem to be enjoying yourself. [muses] I have never seen a tongue quite so... long.
Tony: [walks in, looking at them curiously] McGee has a long tongue?
Ziva: No, but the cutie-pie he's kissing does.
Tony: McGee's kissing a girl?
McGee: You can't see it, Tony.
Tony: Why not?
Ziva: This is McGee's private photograph. And if he does not want you to see it here, then you have to respect his wishes. Or... [hits a key to bring it up on the squadroom plasma screen] ...see it elsewhere.
McGee: Hey!
[The picture turns out to be a very sweet one of McGee kneeling next to the dog Jethro, who is licking his face.]
Tony: [laughs] Oh, McRomeo... you should save that stuff for the bedroom.
McGee: You're just jealous.
Tony: Jealous? I don't think so. What you're doing there could be illegal in some states.
NCIS Analyst Nikki Jardine: [entering and seeing the photo] Or should be. I think I need to wash.
[Gibbs sees the photo of McGee "kissing" his dog.]
Gibbs: At least you don't have to pay alimony, McGee.
[Gibbs and Ziva are in Kelvin Ridgeway's office interviewing him]
Ridgeway: We just didn't see eye to eye, ya know? He'd just complain to his wife about me and I'd complain to my girlfriend about him. Like I would assume you [points to Gibbs] complain to your wife about this one. [throws his stress ball at Ziva, who promptly catches it]
Gibbs: Her? Ha! [laughs] Oh no, I wouldn't mess with her!
[He gets up at leaves. Ziva throws back the stress ball, which has been mashed into an unrecognizable shape, and leaves. Ridgeway looks at the ball in disbelief]
George Stenner: [desperately] Can I, just, please go to the bathroom really quick?
Gibbs: No.
George Stenner: [Stenner looks at him in dismay] Okay.
Gibbs: Nah, I'm kidding. You can go.
[Tony and Nikki make video contact with Abby's lab from Baghdad.]
Abby: I didn't know you two were sharing a room.
Ziva: They're sharing a room?
Tony: We're not exactly sharing a room.
Ziva: (whispering furiously) Either they are sharing a room, or not sharing a room, I do not see what is so exact or not exact about it!
[She pastes a fake smile on her face and turns back to the screen.]

Recoil [5.16]

edit
Ziva: [at the copy machine] Die, you stupid machine!
McGee: She seems unfazed.
Tony: Those are standard Mossad-style copy machine assault tactics, McGee. She's fine.
Ziva: No really, I'm not working. Just... drinking. Heidi! Uno mas, s'il vous plait.
Michael Locke: You're mixing your languages.
Ziva: And my liquors.
Locke: What's it like to shoot someone?
Ziva: It is what it is. It is what you have to do.
Tony: What are you doing?
Ziva: Checking into Locke's missing girlfriend. You?
Tony: Same.
Ziva: What? Why?
[...]
Tony: Checking her medical records.
Ziva: Why? Do you think she's been lying in some hospital unable to communicate?
Tony: No, I think she's been lying in a shallow grave unable to communicate.
Ziva: Medical records are privileged information. You need a subpoena.
Tony: Not if you have an IOU from a county clerk with a very expressive poker face.
Ziva: Look. If you're going to give me a lecture on my bad judgment, I don't need to hear it!
Gibbs: Is that what this is about? You doubting your judgment?
Ziva: I should've moved earlier.
Gibbs: You would've if you could've.
Ziva: I left it too late.
Gibbs: You still took him out.
Ziva: I almost died.
Gibbs: But you didn't. You have got to trust your judgment, Ziva. Moment you don't, it won't be "almost."

About Face [5.17]

edit
[McGee and Ziva are playing Scrabble]
Tony: What's going on here? Did I get off on the wrong floor, I thought this was an office.
McGee: Officer David and I are engaged in a linguistic developmental exercise intended to bolster her English vocabulary.
Tony: [chuckles] That's good. Do you think Gibbs will buy it?
Ziva: It is not my vocabulary that needs bolsterment, McGee.
McGee: Not a word. Hence the scoreboard.
Tony: [chuckles] Yeah, 50-point cushion for the professor. And there's only one tile left to play.
McGee: [smiles] Gonna be kind of tough to play that 'q' without a 'u'.
Ziva: You peeked!
McGee: Did not. Process of elimination, I counted the tiles on the board.
Tony: You suck the fun out of everything, McCheat. [Ziva suddenly looks in thought]
McGee: Give it up, Ziva.
[Ziva takes her Q tile and plays it in front of an I.]
McGee: [frowns and stares at the board] "Kwee"? I don't think so.
Ziva: [smiles] Chi. As in the life energy that flows through all things.
Tony: You should have seen that one coming, Probie Wan Kenobi.
McGee: No....
Ziva: [laughs] 62 points!!!
Tony: Jedi wins.
McGee: I'm challenging!
Gibbs: [walking in] You all are! Grab your gear. Playtime's over.
[McGee panics, opening Ziva's drawer and dumping the tiles and board in, haphazardly sweeping the ones on desk to the floor as she gives him an odd look and the team gets ready to go.]
McGee: Uhh... that was a, uh, language exercise, boss, we weren't actually playing.
Tony: So McGee didn't actually lose.
McGee: Correct!
Gibbs: So he's not actually humiliated.
[Ziva and Tony look at each other and chuckle on their way out.]
McGee: [hurries after them, muttering] "Kwee"....
[Ziva is confusing Tony as they talk at the crime scene.]
Tony: We've gotta figure out what he was doing here.
Ziva: And with whom he was doing it.
Tony: Doing what with?
Ziva: Whatever it was he was doing when he was undone.
Tony: [confused look] Done... what?
Ziva: Done!
Ducky: In, my dear fellow. Done in. Don't you understand the Queen's English?
Tony: Not this queen.
Ducky: Oh, ah, time of death. Approximately 4am.
Tony: Okay thanks.
Ducky: An early riser.
Palmer: Early demiser.
Palmer: I couldn't catch him. Now I can't even identify him. Sure Gibbs thinks I'm completely useless.
Abby: No. [reassuringly] Jimmy! You chased a crazy guy with a gun. You're a stud-muffin, you're an iron fist with a velvet glove, you're baby Gibbs.
Abby: Your eyes are getting heavy. All information is recorded in the subconscious mind. I'm going to count down from three. As I'm counting down, you're going to go into a deeper state of relaxation. 3... You're getting calm and relaxed. 2... You're going into a deeper state of comfort. 1... You're in a deep [touches Palmer's forehead with one finger as his eyes close shut] sleep. [gives a surprised thumb's up to McGee who nods in return]
Abby: You're at peace. You have the ability to retrieve any information at will. You have total recall. If at any time, you feel a block to your memory, take a deep breath, [Palmer takes a deep breath] and the block will melt away. Understand?
Palmer: [Nods sleepily]
Abby: Okay, I'm going to take you back to yesterday. You're at the crime scene. You find a passport.
Palmer: Passport?
Abby: Yeah, do you see it? It's vinyl, dark blue.
Palmer: Vinyl?
Abby: Yes.
Palmer: Dark blue?
Abby: Yes. Pick it up.
Palmer: No, I'm gonna get hurt.
Abby: You're safe Jimmy. No one's gonna hurt you. Deep breath. [Palmer takes a deep breath] Good. Okay, you're at the crime scene. You look down and what do you see?
Palmer: [smiles] Leather. Light brown.
Abby: [incredulous] What? [takes a deep breath and then continues] Okay, pick it up and look at it. Are you doing it?
Palmer: Mmhm.
Abby: Okay, what does it say?
Palmer: Cole Hann, low boot, size 7 and a half.
McGee: Sounds like a woman's boot.
Abby: [scolding] Jimmy, put Ziva's boot down. Can you hear me? It's Abby.
Palmer: Oh, Abby... Black, high platforms, Demonia, size 10
Abby: [stand up] Jimmy!
Palmer: [is startled awake] What? What did I say? Did we catch him? Did we learn anything about this guy?
McGee: No, but we certainly learned something about you.
Palmer: Whatever it is, it's not what you think.
McGee: If the shoe fits... [starts walking away and Abby blows out the candles]
Palmer: Wait, wait, where are you going?
McGee: These boots were made for walking.
Ducky: [comforting Jimmy] I have no doubt that you have it in you to die a hero's death. But for the time being, I'd appreciate it if you could stay alive to help me examine the dead.
Palmer: How do you do it?
Gibbs: Hmm?
Palmer: Block out fear.
Gibbs: You don't. It's what you do with it.
[Palmer follows the team in his car.]
Gibbs: What are you doing?!
Palmer: I thought I could help...
Gibbs: What don't you understand about the word "stay"?! Stay! Palmer, you stay in the car!
[Palmer stops the suspect fleeing by crashing his car.]
Gibbs: What the hell were you thinking?!
Palmer: I did not get out of the car.

Judgment Day

edit
Ziva: If you value that hand, I suggest you back away, slowly.
Ziva: [to Tony] First movie quote I hear, I'm driving.
Tony: She doesn't want us involved. If there's one thing I learned about the Director's private wars, it's that it's best to stay away -- for her and for us! She's a big girl, she can take care of herself. Besides, probably is a coincidence anyway, and she's behind one of those expensive windows munching on over-priced cashews courtesy of Mr. Out-of-Town.
Ziva: We could have made it.
Tony: The needle is below E, E stands for empty, we have less than empty, and we don't even know where it is!
Ziva: We could have made it.
Ziva and Tony: [at same time] What!
Tony: [slightly annoyed, gets out of the car and starts pumping gas] Why don't you make yourself useful?
Ziva: What?
Tony: I said, why don't you make yourself useful?
Ziva: What do you want me to do? Hold your nozzle?
Tony: Get us a map [Ziva makes a face, gets out of the car and starts walking to the store] ...And some white powder doughnuts and the blue ice gatorade. [she pauses, smacks her ass and keeps walking without turning around.]
Franks: Might be hard to believe, but I was in love once. Her name was Maggie. She had it all, quick as a fox, great curves, trusted her with my life.
Shepard: What happened?
Franks: Traded for a Harley when the transmission blew.
Tony: She died alone.
Ziva: We are all alone.
Tony: Yeah, thanks for that.
Tony: Paris. That's when it must have happened.
Ziva: The two of them alone in another world.
Tony: Putting their lives in each other's hands every day.
Ziva: Not to mention the long nights.
Tony: It was inevitable.
Ziva: Nothing is inevitable.
Vance: Do you know Mike Franks was involved in this?
Tony/Ziva: No./Yes.
Vance: You want to take a moment and get your stories straight?
Tony/Ziva: Yes./No.
Vance: That explains how Director Shepard got out to the diner. Franks was the fifth shooter.
Tony: On Jenny's side.
Vance: Whose side are you on?
Tony/Ziva: [together] Gibbs.
Vance: Well, you finally got your story straight.

Part 1 (5.18)

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Part 2 (5.19)

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