NCIS (season 7)

Truth or Consequences [7.01]

[After McGee's initial refusal to fix Tony's home computer for free.]

Tony: It's computers, it's your thing! If I had a thing I'd show it off all the time.

Gibbs: There are rules against that, DiNozzo.

Tony: Listen, can you walk while you talk?

Heather: You know, I've never actually ever attempted something so complex before, but I'm a quick learner.

Tony: Sarcasm.

Heather: Mm-hm.

Tony: I like sarcasm.

Heather: Who doesn't?

Tony: Not that much.

Saleem Ulman: [leads a hooded figured into the interrogation room, sitting them in a chair] Questions are being asked in town about missing NCIS agents. I am concerned that US forces might mobilize. One of you will tell me the identities and locations of all the operatives in the area, and the other one will die. [removes hood, revealing Ziva] I will give you a moment to decide who lives. [leaves the room]

Tony: So... how was your summer?

Ulman:[while he is holding a knife to Ziva's throat] I don't make bargains.

Tony: Do you make pizza?

Reunion [7.02]

[Tony is at McGee's desk talking]

Tony: [looks to Ziva's old desk] Twenty bucks says that desk is gonna be empty by the end of next month.

Agent Fillmore: Hate to disappoint you. [slams papers onto McGee's desk] My letter of resignation.

[Tony and McGee look at the letter and stare at her]

McGee: Wow, that's... uh... very long.

Fillmore: I had a hard time choosing the right adjectives. I couldn't decide between childish, juvenile and just plain old annoying. [glares at Tony]

[Tony looks at McGee]

McGee: [smiles at Tony] That's true!

Fillmore: [to McGee] And you! You know better but you're so busy playing the faithful sidekick you're just going along for the ride. Well, I've had enough! Make sure that Agent Gibbs gets that!

[Tony and McGee look on in shock]

Tony: Annoying!

McGee: Sidekick!

Tony: Hey, you missed a shot there sidekick.

McGee: I'm not your sidekick, Tony.

Tony: And yet, you are.

McGee: No, I am not, because you're not the boss.

Tony: When Gibbs isn't here, I'm the boss.

Gibbs: [walks in] Gibbs is here.

Tony: Hey, Boss.

Tony: Taking the tour?

Ziva: I have my first psych evaluation.

Tony: Oh, yeah. I always loved those.

Ziva: I'm sure. You get to talk about yourself the entire time. [Tony laughs] I'm sorry, I meant,um...

Tony: No, no, no. That's okay. No one's ever accused you of having tact. [Ziva looks away] Sorry.

Ziva: Hello, Abby.

Abby: [turns off her music] What the hell is wrong with you?! How could you have doubted Tony after everything you've been through together? You really think that Tony killed Rivkin because he was jealous?!

Ziva: Abby, please calm-

Abby: You weren't thinking, that's what! You weren't thinking! [begins pacing] Although I suppose I could understand your initial reaction. You were at an emotional time for you and people act rashly. [stops] But to tell Gibbs that you didn't trust Tony?! [paces] Which I guess I also could understand, you know, I mean he did just shoot your boyfriend... in your living room... to death. All right, I'll give you that one. [stops] But this is Tony we're talking about here! All... all soft and goofy on the outside and 100% rock on the inside! And after everything you accused him of, he risked his life to go save you! You should be ashamed of yourself! [paces] Even though in hindsight it is starting to make a little bit more sense now. [stops] But either way, the ball is in your court! It is Tony one and Ziva zilch! This is your move, and it better be a good one...! Oh, God. I was so worried about you. [hugs Ziva]

Ziva: I know.

[Abby remotely activates a welcome home banner with streamers, causing Ziva to smile.]

Elena: [chuckles derisively]

Gibbs: What's so funny?

Elena: You haven't arrested me. Which means you don't have any proof.

Tony: McProof?

McGee: The fake suicide note on Shelley's computer? We traced the worm that planted it back to your laptop.

Tony: Proves you killed Jurel, his buddies, and Shelley.

Gibbs: Uh-oh. You know what that means?

[Tony dangles a set of handcuffs.]

Tony/McGee: [together] You're under arrest!

Ziva: We need to talk.

Gibbs: Sit down.

Ziva: When I came to see you and said I wanted back, you said it was the director's call... but I sensed your hesitation. I sense it now, even though I thought I made myself clear. I understand what you did in Israel --

Gibbs: Your brother Ari.

Ziva: You know what happened that night. I was here.

Gibbs: I want to hear it from you. You had orders to kill your brother to earn my trust.

Ziva: Yes.

Gibbs: That's a problem.

Ziva: You don't understand.

Gibbs: You're damn right I don't understand!

Ziva: When I volunteered for that mission --

Gibbs: You killed your own brother, Ziva!

Ziva: It was because I hoped my father was wrong about Ari, and I did not want someone else blindly following orders! I volunteered to protect him, Gibbs!

Gibbs: You lied to me.

Ziva: No, when I told you Ari was innocent, I believed it! But yes, I would have lied to you. He was my brother and you were nothing. But I was wrong about Ari and you. When I pulled the trigger to save your life, I was not following orders. I mean, how could you even think -- he was my brother. And now he is gone, Eli is all but dead to me... [fighting tears] And the closest thing I have to a father is accusing me.

Gibbs: ...Okay.

The Inside Man [7.03]

Tony: You failed your polygraph! That's not good.

McGee: No, I didn't fail it. They said I have to take it again.

Tony: Why would you have to take it again? Don't ask, don't tell. You didn't make the mistake of coming out, did you?

McGee: I don't have anything to come out about.

Tony: Stick to that story, McQueen.

Ziva: That is total salami!

Tony: Baloney.

Abby: I only take orders from one person: Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs. Unless he asks me to do it, it doesn't get done!

Sportelli: I think that's going to change, honey!

Abby: Gibbs! Make this awful man go away!

McGee: Is that pastrami?

Tony: [nods] Mm-hmm.

McGee: Can I have a bite?

Tony: Nuh-uh. This is my dinner. You can have the pickle.

McGee: I don't like pickles.

Tony: I know.

[...]

McGee: I hope you choke on that.

Good Cop, Bad Cop [7.04]

Ziva: You cannot even work your email properly! You always reply to all. It drives me absolutely nuts! You know, when it comes to computers, you are almost as incompetent as Gi -- [looks around the room quickly]

Tony: [chuckles] You thought Gibbs was behind you. You know why? Because sneaky people expect sneakiness. It's a vicious circle.

Kassib: You are a woman.

Ziva: You're a genius.

Ziva: You cannot trust a man whose loyalty has a price.

Ziva: Are you following orders?

Gibbs: Your father, Ziva. He's not a good guy. He's dirty.

Ziva: You cannot say no to him. Not a second time.

Gibbs: [to Ben-Gidon] Go! Get out of here! Run! You tell Eli David to stay away. She is off limits!

Ben-Gidon: I failed you, Ziva. I am sorry.

Ziva: Never apologize. It's a sign of weakness.

Gibbs: [hands Ziva a letter indicating that she is now an NCIS agent] Get to work, probie.

Code of Conduct [7.05]

Neighborhood kid: Guy was awesome. He came up with new practical jokes every Halloween. Nothing dangerous. I mean, no razor blades. He'd freeze all kinds of stuff, blow things up. It was funny.

Ted Rogers: And illegal!

Ziva: And you are?

Ted: Ted Rogers. I live across the street. First he drove us crazy with his pranks, now he dies in the driveway!

Tony: Well, it sounds like you've got a problem in your neighborhood, Mr. Rogers. That's a nice sweater, by the way.

McGee: Look at this. [watching video of teenagers T-Ping a tree] Two ply, double roll, top tuck with a thirty foot vertical climb. That kid has got an arm! Perfect drapage, it's good trunk to top ratio as well. It's very impressive.

Ziva: I do not see the humor or the art.

McGee: It's a cultural thing. Tony would tell you.

Mr. Rogers: [after Ziva knocks on his door] There's no candy here!

Ziva: NCIS! We don't want candy!

Tony: Speak for yourself, David. Open up or we'll send the kids in!

Abby: This guy was a genius! He chronicled all his exploits on his phone. It's like a master's course! Six hundred pizzas delivered to the battalion CP. He reassembled a Humvee inside the officer's club. If only I had the appropriate time and space to use the bounty of ideas in front of me.

Gibbs: The case, Abbs. The case.

Ziva: [walks to Tony's desk, holding a coffee cup] You know, Tony, I've been thinking, and, um, I would like to acknowledge my place as a new agent and your place as-

Tony: Your superior in every way.

Ziva: [takes a deep breath] Yes. But for my sanity, could you not call me probie?

Tony: I say it with love.

[Long pause.]

Tony: And if I refuse?

Ziva: You are senior field agent and I am entirely at your mercy.

Tony: As you should be!.

[He accepts the coffee and sips, looking surprised.]

Tony: Mmm! Mmm-.mm!

[He chuckles appreciatively, while Ziva looks very pleased at how much he likes it... until he grins, showing his teeth have been stained blue.]

Outlaws and In-Laws [7.06]

[Tony moves toward a sleeping Ziva with a Magic Marker.]

Ziva: Touch me and die.

Tony: Are you studying to become a naturalized American citizen?

Ziva: I have to if I want to become an agent.

McGee: Good for you, Ziva.

Tony: Wait a second. Who says we want her as an American?

Ziva: Who says you have a say?

Tony: A little thing called the Constitution!

Ziva: [sarcastically] Really? Where?

Tony: It's in there, and it talks about dangerous foreign aliens stealing our precious bodily fluids.

McGee: That's Dr. Strangelove.

Tony: That's --

Abby: Uh-huh!

McGee: It's no longer in --

Abby: Nuh-uh!

Ziva: This is Gibbs' boat.

Abby: This is the crime scene! It was flown here on a C130 cargo plane along with two bodies and all the evidence, and now it is mine. It is all mine! So I can figure out the mystery!

McGee: What mystery? Who the dead guys were?

Ziva: Or who killed them.

Tony: Or how they ended up on the boat.

Abby: Sure, you guys should work on that! While I figure out how he got it out of the basement!

Tony: [walks into Gibbs' house] Hello?

Franks: [pointing a gun at Tony's head] DiNozzo! You should have told me you were coming!

Tony: I called and you didn't pick up.

Franks: I'm not going to answer the phone! I'm a fugitive!

Tony: So what do you want me to do?!

Franks: Knock!

Tony: Why would I knock? There's no lock on that door!

Franks: Someone may be on the other side with a gun?

Tony: Why would someone be standing on the other side with a gun?!

Franks: Because there's no lock on the door!

[about a minute later, as Franks is leaving]

Franks: Why don't you put something in front of the door?

Tony: Nah, I'll just stand here with my gun.

Tony: [on the phone] I can't hear you, McGee. I'm in the basement.

McGee: Why?

Tony: Because I don't want to talk about the case in front of Leila and the kid.

Abby: Listen, Tony, this is really important. I need you to check the seams of the walls.

Tony: The walls?

Abby: Well, do they appear to be removable?

Tony: Huh.

McGee: Abby.

Abby: Or a tunnel, maybe?! It could be hidden underneath something on the floor. Something that looks like it doesn't belong.

Tony: Actually, I think Colonel Hogan has got a radio in the coffee pot, but the tunnel might have been filled in.

Endgame [7.07]

Ziva: Those are none of your business, those belong to McGee.

Tony: They're funny.

Ziva: They're private!

Tony: They're self-help CD's McLonely-hearts ordered...um, Download your Destiny. Three easy payments of $19.95 each satisfaction guaranteed or your money back.

Ziva: Maybe McGee's already satisfied.

Tony: Well maybe there's an easter bunny too.

Ziva: Tony...

Voice: Anyone can achieve their fullest potential. Who we are might be predetermined, but the path we follow is always of our... [Tony laughs]

Ziva: Oh my god, turn that off!

Tony: I love this guy! Sort of a poor man's Shatner.

Voice: We should never allow our fears or the exceptions of others to set the frontiers of our destiny... [Ziva shuts it off]

Ziva: I've heard enough. Maybe you're the one who needs a little self-help.

Tony: Well, see that's where you're wrong, Ziva. I'm already enlightened. I know exactly who I am. It may not be pretty, but I am DiNozzo. Hear me roar.

Ziva: Like an elephant?

McGee: [knocks] Ms. DeMarco, NCIS. We need to speak with you.

[no answer]

Tony: [knocks] Ms. DeMarco, open up. We want to talk to you.

[The sound of a shotgun being pumped causes Tony and McGee to dive for cover, before a hole is blasted through the door.]

Tony: Federal agents! Drop it!

DeMarco: Did that piece of filth Cirreaux send you?! Because I've got a message for him! You can tell him...! [peeks out the door] Did you say Federal agents?

Tony: Yes, Federal agents!

McGee: Cirreaux's dead! Put the weapon down!

DeMarco: Okay. [puts gun on the ground]

Tony: Hands in the air!

DeMarco: Okay.

Tony: Who do you think you are, Sarah Palin?!

DeMarco: [meekly] Sorry.

Tony: He was Kai-jacked!

McGee: Did you really just say that?

Tony: I regret it already.

Abby: What are you hiding?

[Gibbs pulls a Caf-Pow! from behind his back]

Abby: Oh, no! It's too late, I can't!

[Gibbs pulls a NoCaf-Pow! from behind his back.]

Abby: Gibbs, you are an enabler. And I love you for it!

Leon Vance: Kai, stop this, please!

Lee Wuan Kai: I can't.

Leon Vance: I can help you.

Lee Wuan Kai: Just being there, all these years, you already have.

McGee: [voiceover] Anyone can achieve their fullest potential. Who we are might be predetermined, but the path we follow is always of our own choosing. We should never allow our fears or the expectations of others to set the frontiers of our destiny. Your destiny can't be changed, but it can be challenged. Every man is born as many men and dies as a single one.

Power Down [7.08]

McGee: Do you see this? Nine hours, 21 minutes! [shoves his watch in Ziva's face]

Ziva: Has it been that long? [takes the watch away and breaks it]

McGee: Why did you do that?

Ziva: It was either you or the watch!

McGee: It's just, what's taking so long, you know?

Ziva: Look, I'm sure we're not the only ones that need to be rescued. Plus, things could be a lot worse.

McGee: Yeah, how's that?

Ziva: Well, we could be stuck here with Tony.

Tony: [from outside the elevator] I heard that! I find it very interesting that the two of you left together late last night!

Ziva: Just ignore him. He's like an annoying bug. Eventually he'll just go away.

McGee: Ziva, it's been five years. Trust me, he's not going anywhere.

Tony: If you want, I could sing a song for you guys.

McGee: We'd rather have an update, Tony.

Tony: There was an explosion at a Potomac Electric substation, causing some kind of... wait, what is it? Uh, begins with a "C", rhymes with... "parade sailor"?

McGee: Cascade failure?

Tony: Cascade failure! God, you're good at this, McGee! So that chain reaction knocked out power in half the District. PEPCO says they'll have it back up soon.

Ziva: Cannot happen soon enough. I'm sure Gibbs is feeling right at home.

Tony: Well, you don't need electricity to use hand tools or drink a bottle of bourbon. [laughs]

McGee: [from inside the elevator] He's right behind you, isn't he?

Tony: [realizes] Yes, he is. Boss, you know, there's nothing wrong with the occasional cocktail.

Gibbs: What've you got?

Abby: A better question is what have you not got Abbs, and the better answer would be a Caf-Pow! I mean, I'm trying to make my own here, but I'm missing like 400 ingredients.

Gibbs: Are you all right?

Abby: No, I'm not okay! I'm not going to be okay until the power comes back on and I can run diagnostics on one of my babies. These aren't like light bulbs, Gibbs. You can't turn them on and off, and they're complex pieces of machinery that require precise shutdown sequences. I don't understand! I mean, why does autopsy get backup power and I don't? I mean, MTAC, I get that, but what does Ducky have that I don't have?

Gibbs: Corpses.

Abby: I'll get some corpses!

Abby: I finally IDed the tire tracks from the SwiftCast getaway car. I got the make and model. It only took me 72 times longer than it usually does. How did people survive before there was pattern recognizing sparse representation algorithms?

[opening a shipping container, and finding a small arsenal of weapons, along with computers and other espionage gear]

McGee: This is like the TARDIS.

Tony: Tard-what?

McGee: It's the contraption that Doctor Who travels through time in... never mind.

Tony: Doctor Who? Who watches that? This is more like Lord of War, Nick Cage movie from a few years back, packed with guns. [with accent] "You have the gun that Rambo use?" Good movie.

Anthony Paxton: [about his murdered wife] There's a lot of things I never knew about Emma, but one thing's for certain: she was a fighter. Stubborn as hell.

Gibbs: Yeah, I've been there.

Anthony Paxton: Emma had to do it, right? She didn't have a choice.

Gibbs: No, she had a choice. That's what makes her a hero.

Child's Play [7.09]

Ziva: You're not taking the elevator?

McGee: Nope. Took the stairs. It's all about the cardio these days.

Tony: You have been looking increasingly Kate Mossius there McTim. What are you down? Two? Three pounds?

McGee: Fifteen pounds actually and thank you for noticing.

Ziva: [reading Ducky's Thanksgiving dinner invitation] I think you misspelled the word "fixings."

Ziva: Are you letting some blond bombshell baste your bird, Tony?

Tony: No, this bird's flying solo to a poker tournament at the Big Bend Indian Casino. They've got an all-you-can-eat crab buffet.

McGee: Pilgrims and Indians gambling together. That warms the heart.

Ziva: [to Ducky] What about your mother, Ducky?

Ducky: Mother is comfortable, thank you. Staff take good care of her. Oh dear, she barely recognizes me when I visit. Well then. That leaves me with a twenty-pound bird and enough trimmings to feed Cox's Army.

Tony: Baby, I'm amazed. A maze of maize.

Ziva: What?!

Tony: Maize. It's the Indian word for corn.

Ziva: The Indian word for corn is maki.

Tony: Not Indians from India! Indians from, you know, here!

Ziva: Well if they were Indians from here they would be called American Indians, you dork.

Tony: [laughs] They'd be called Native Americans, Miss Citizenship Test.

Gibbs: DiNozzo, you're with me.

Tony: Satler Institute? Oh, Boss, shouldn't McSmarty Pants go to the nerd theme park?!

Abby: What can I do for you, Gibblet? It's kind of a seasonal play on your -- I'm ready, sir.

Gibbs: [hands over a phone] Turn this into pictures.

Abby: I thought you were going to give me something hard! So, what are you bringing to Ducky's dinner?

Gibbs: Not sure I'm going.

Abby: What do you mean you're not going?! Who's going to carve the turkey? Who's going to watch the game with me? Who's going to eat too much pie?!

Gregg: She'll miss.

Gibbs: [to Angela] What's the probability of that?

Angela: Based on the temperature and humidity... no wind... half-moon, good light... 97.6%.

Gibbs: Last chance, Norvell.

Gregg: Move or I'll do it.

Gibbs: Take it!

[Ziva takes the shot.]

Faith [7.10]

McGee: It's freezing this morning.

Tony: Man up, chilly willy. Feel that warm blood coursing through your veins. Get in touch with your inner McGrizzly Adams.

McGee: Well I've got hand warmers.

Tony: Give me one.

McGee: No.

Ziva: I'm not cold at all.

Tony: It's because you're coldblooded David, like a lady Komodo dragon; ice queen, frigid and deadly.

Ziva: And I remembered to wear my thermal underwear.

Tony: I'll give you fifty bucks for it right now.

Ziva: It wouldn't fit. You're too big.

Tony: [desperately] It'll stretch. Hand 'em over.

Tony: Fruit of the month might be good. Maybe a foot massager.

McGee: Gee, Tony, I never pegged you as a catalog shopper.

Tony: Well, that's because I'm not, Tiny Tim, but desperate times call for desperate measures. I took these from my neighbor's doorstep.

Ziva: You stole them?

Tony: The doorstep is considered a common area. I would never steal mail, that's a federal offense. Oh! Hold the phone Malone! A little bit of lingerie! Nice! What do you get for the shrew who has everything?

Ziva: Is this for the, um, Secret Santa?

Tony: How did I end up with Dolores Brahmstead from Human Resources? She's a miserable grinch of a woman.

McGee: I can't argue with you there. I once wished her a Happy Valentine's Day and she claimed sexual harassment.

Tony: Have you ever seen her smile?

McGee: [sarcastically] No.

Ziva: Stop it both of you! She is a single, middle aged, lonely woman. Have some compassion!

Tony: It must be tough, living up there on Mount Crumpit. Scheming to take Christmas away from poor Cindy Lou Who.

[Gibbs' father Jackson is passing around chocolates to the team]

Ziva: These chocolates are delicious!

Gibbs: Hey, dad. Stop making my team fat.

Tony: I love chocolate. Would really like another one.

Ziva: Gibbs, why didn't you tell us your father was coming?

Gibbs: I didn't think he'd actually show. [Tony takes chocolate from box] Go ahead, have another one, bubble butt. [Ziva and McGee laugh]

Tony: It's my metabolism slowing with age. It's nothing a post-holiday cleanse won't cure.

Ziva: So this is where a redthroat would hang out after being overseas for months.

Tony: It's not redthroat, it's redneck.

Ziva: Oh.

Tony: And I think we've found the entire cast of Hee Haw.

Ziva: Over there. That's him.

Tony: With his brother Daryl and his other brother Daryl?

Ziva: First Sergeant Tibbens?

Tibbens: You can call me "Tibbs."

Tony: Do they call you Mr. Tibbs?

Tony: Boss, I've been running bank records on each Marine in Ellis' unit. So far only two Marines, including First Sergeant Tibbins, accepted a bribe: four grand a piece.

Gibbs: Ho, ho, ho. Merry Christmas.

Ziva: All the money was drawn from the same overseas account and deposited around the same time.

Gibbs: It's a dummy corp.

Tony: Interpol's checking into it.

Gibbs: Tell them to check faster.

Tony: You do it. [Gibbs looks up] Not you, boss. [to Ziva] You! I mean, how many languages do you speak, anyway?

Ziva: Including the language of love, ten.

[Abby is using one of her lab instruments to bake Christmas cookies, all in her own likeness.]

Abby: Go ahead, taste one.

Ziva: [laughs] I'm sorry, Abby, I could never eat you.

Tony: [about his Secret Santa] She wants me to meet her at six o'clock on Christmas Eve.

Ziva: To exchange gifts?

Tony: Or wrap me in a cocoon of ivy and suck the Christmas joy out of me.

Ziva: Okay, I'm going to say this again: she's probably someone who just lacks social skills, so be nice! Get her something special. Kill her with kindness.

Tony: Or with a stake of holly through the heart.

[as a favor to Abby, McGee is trying to arrange a satellite call between a little boy and his mother.]

McGee: Well, you know what? This is an emergency! I have direct orders from Admiral... Nicholas Whitebeard. Yes, yes, that is his name. He's the Admiral that oversees the... Northern Polar Regions.

Ignition [7.11]

Gibbs: The military experiments with jetpacks?

Tony: No... well, yeah, they did, but... [sighs] "After years of testing various designs, ultimately they decided helicopters were more practical for earth-atmosphere flight..."

Ziva: "Although NASA's compressed gas-powered Man-Maneuvering Unit evolved from Bell Systems's rocket belt technology..."

Tony: "'Rocket belt' being the original terminology rather than the more colloquial 'jetpack... '"

Ziva: McGee's very passionate about the subject. We spend a lot of time here, just the three of us.

Tony: I was telling him about the bonus features section on the "Thunderball" DVD, which were pretty interesting, and he says, "um, Tony, bonus features aren't science", and so he...

Gibbs: He schooled you.

Ziva: Yep.

McGee: The August 1928 issue of Amazing Stories first stirred the national imagination. It featured the Skylark of Space on the cover, and then you've got Buck Rogers.

Abby: What's really amazing is how much more fascinating jet-pack trivia gets the eleventh time you've heard it.

[autopsying a dead squirrel]

Palmer: This reminds me of my junior year abroad. I was staying with a family outside of Lyons who spoke only French, and my French was... okay at best. Now, whatever you may think of the people of France, the squirrels are extraordinarily friendly. So I had to explain to them my fear of squirrels. You see, in D.C. there are brown squirrels and black squirrels, and at a time, black squirrels carried rabies. So my mother used to bait traps with peanut butter, capture the squirrels and release them on the other side of the river. But I confused the word écureuil, which means "squirrel," with the much-less accurate requin, which means, uh... "shark."

Ducky: How they must have pictured your strange homeland with your shark-hunting mother.

Ziva: Slow drivers.

Tony: Bad drivers.

Ziva: What is so hard? You go as fast as possible, when something gets in your way, you turn.

Tony: You're quoting Better Off Dead. I told you to watch that.

Tony: It's a remote control receiver?

McGee: Yes, it is.

Ziva: What is the range?

McGee: Almost a kilometer.

Tony: I don't speak Canadian. How far is that?

Flesh and Blood [7.12]

Tony: (on the phone) For the last time, my name is Anthony DiNozzo, Junior. My father is Anthony DiNozzo, Senior. I live in Washington, D.C. He lives in New York City. Is that so complicated? Junior, Senior? Can you follow that?

Ziva: What is going on?

McGee: Tony's trying to withdraw money from a bank in New York, it sounds like they confused his account with one of his father's and he can't get the money.

Tony: Let me get this straight: you want me to spell my name again? Okay. It's big D as in "dimwit", little I as in "idiot", big N as in "nimrod", little O as in "obtuse", double-z as in "ZZ Top"...

Ziva: What does he need the money for?

McGee: Well, he and a couple of his frat buddies decided to take a cruise this spring.

Tony: NO, I'M NOT KIDDING!

Ziva: Okay, so how many amendments to the Constitution?

Gibbs: Uh, Bill of Rights is the first ten, prohibition is eighteen. I'm guessing twenty-three.

Ziva: Twenty-seven!

Gibbs: Nobody likes a smartass, David.

Ziva: Why do I have to study all this and you don't?!

Gibbs: I was born here!

DiNozzo, Sr.: What's on your mind?

Gibbs: Your son.

DiNozzo, Sr.: What has, uh, Junior done now?

Gibbs: Tony likes to hide behind the face of a clown, but he's the best young agent I've ever worked with.

DiNozzo, Sr.: Well, I'm glad to hear that.

Gibbs: When was the last time you talked to him? I mean really... talked to him.

DiNozzo, Sr.: We keep in touch.

Gibbs: Four years ago your son came very close to dying from pneumonic plague. And I expected to see you. You didn't show then. Why are you here now?

DiNozzo, Sr.: He never told me he was sick.

Gibbs: Oh, so you don't keep in touch.

DiNozzo, Sr.: What's your point?

Gibbs: Tony inherited his personality from you, but I get the feeling there's a lot about your life you don't share.

DiNozzo, Sr.: [bristling] I should tell you to piss off, but I do know that Junior thinks the world of you, so I'll keep this civil. You have children, Gibbs?

Gibbs: ...I did. A daughter. Unfortunately, I never had the chance to know her as an adult. You have that chance.

DiNozzo, Sr.: Are we done?

Jetlag [7.13]

Tony: I just sort of feel like you can use negative space to push the image, you know? It's sort of like a geometrical thing with the light coming across. I was trying to use these geometric lines and spacing. Sometimes I think maybe I should have done something more creative with my life.

Nora Williams: No, I think you're in the right profession.

Tony: All right, Annie Leibowitz, what's wrong with my pictures?

[...]

Nora: Well, they're sort of soulless. Analytical. They look like postcards or --

Ziva: Crime scene photos.

Nora: You just need people in them. Happy people.

Ziva: Living people.

Nora: You are so direct. So honest. So different from him.

Ziva: Tony and I have, um, different approaches.

Nora: You're complementary. You're sure you two never -

Ziva: No. Positive. Definitely no. Why do you keep on asking about Tony and I?

Nora: You're like me and Daniel. A good fit. Besides, Paris is a romantic city and you guys shared a room, so I -

Ziva: I took the couch. Otherwise Tony would have whined the entire flight about his back. [smiles]

[Tony is video-conferencing with Ducky about a dead victim]

Tony: Oh no. My memory card's full. I have to delete some of my photos from Paris.

Ducky: If you have any of that pyramid outside the Louvre, delete them. That glass monstrosity is an offence to good taste.

[back in D.C.]

McGee: Hey, in Paris, who got stuck with the couch?

Tony: Me. We flipped a coin.

McGee: Tough break. [walks away]

Ziva: Why did you just lie to McGee?

Tony: Why did you lie to Nora?

Masquerade [7.14]

Tony: First the plague, now radiation poisoning. I'm starting to think someone really has it in for me.

McGee: I was there, too, near the car, you know.

Ziva: We all were.

McGee: But don't let that stop you from thinking about yourself.

Tony: This isn't about me! It's about my little DiNozzo makers! They've been nuked!

McGee: I know!

Tony: Do you?! I mean, sure, Tim, your kids are going to be smart, [Ziva rolls her eyes and walks away] but mine have a shot at being really beautiful.

Ziva: What is that?

Tony: It's a Geiger counter. You can't be too careful.

Ziva: What do you think Corporal Vega was doing at an empty warehouse?

Tony: I don't know. Why don't you pick the lock and find out?

Ziva: We do not have a warrant!

Tony: This building is foreclosed, which means it's owned by the bank, and since the people own the banks I think technically we own the building.

Ziva: Wow.

McGee: Notice anything unusual?

Dr. Shaw: Only that he had about the most perfect teeth I'd ever seen.

Ziva: We heard. From the last two dentists we visited.

Dr. Shaw: Yeah, well, working on him was almost orgasmic.

McGee: Didn't really need to hear that.

Dr. Shaw: His retromolar pad was shaped just like a Renaissance bosom.

Gibbs: Hey, McGee, come on, you're with me.

McGee: Where we going?

Gibbs: To find the bomb.

Tony: Don't make me say it, McGee.

McGee: We'll be careful, Tony.

Jack Knife [7.15]

Gibbs: Get, uh, Ziva and DiNozzo out of bed.

McGee: What?!

Gibbs: Wake 'em up.

McGee: Oh. Oh, oh, right. Get them out of bed because it's the middle of the night and they're asleep.

Gibbs: [looks at McGee like he's gone mad] Yes.

McGee: Individual beds. Get them out of individual beds. I was confused. I thought we were talking --

Gibbs: Need some sleep yourself, do you, McGee?

[Gibbs is at Fornell's doorstep early in the morning. Fornell, who has grown a beard, answers the door and is still in his bathrobe.]

Gibbs: What happened to your face?

Fornell: What happened to your arm?

Gibbs: The job.

Fornell: Same.

[Gibbs smiles hands him a cup of coffee]

[Gibbs and Fornell are in autopsy with Ducky]

Ducky: A mutual saving of a life is a powerful bond. [chuckles and points to Gibbs and Fornell] As evidenced by the two of you.

Fornell: [to Gibbs] Oh, is that why we're friends?

Gibbs: It's more like shared misery.

Fornell: God knows you've got enough to go around.

Gibbs: Hey! I'm a happy guy.

Fornell: Since when?

Gibbs: You don't know what I've been doing. I haven't seen you in months.

Fornell: Whose fault is that? You only call when you need something.

Gibbs: Well, apparently when I need grief.

[McGee is asleep at his desk and suddenly wakes up to find Ziva and Tony staring at him]

McGee: [points to Tony] You did something didn't you? [Tony looks at him] What'd you do? [Tony continues looking at him] You tried to put my hand into this water?

Tony: That's a little juvenile.

McGee: You drew on my face didn't you? You drew on my face.

Tony: No, I suggested stripping you naked, putting a tag on your toe and dragging you down to autopsy so when you woke up you'd think you were dead. But Ziva thought it was in poor taste.

McGee: Well, thank you, Ziva.

Tony: I did not agree. I think there are a lot of people who'd like to see you naked.

Tony: Last one to use the van should have to clean it out. Should be a rule.

Ziva: There is.

Tony: Well, who was the last one to use it?

Ziva: You were.

Tony: [Laughs] I don't think so, 'cause it smells like falafels and I know a certain back-up probie agent that smells a little falafely. You wanna help?

Ziva: Sure.

Tony: Thank you.

Ziva: [Kicks the trash can over to Tony and walks over to Damon Werth]

Damon: Probie?

Ziva: Yeah, I'm in the process of becoming a sworn NCIS agent.

Damon: Don't you have to be an American citizen to join a federal agency?

Ziva: I'm also in the process of becoming an American citizen.

Damon: And I thought you had to be a legal resident for, you know...

Ziva: [Interrupting] There are a few strings being tugged.

Tony: Pulled. You pull strings.

Damon: Tug heart strings.

Ziva: The heart has strings?

Damon: According to the poets.

Tony: Don't confuse the girl. It's taken a lot of marionetting to get her this far.

Damon: And who's the puppet master?

Mother's Day [7.16]

Tony: All right, McNosy, what do you got?

McGee: From what I can gather, Gibbs and JoAnn Fielding are very estranged.

Ziva: The woman lost her daughter and granddaughter. Now her fiancé died in her arms and her former son-in-law is investigating! Show some sympathy!

Tony: Maybe she's cursed! Like a Kennedy!

McGee: Minus the grassy knoll.

Ziva: I heard about that! The shooter was really in the book suppository!

Tony: Depository.

Ziva: That's what I said.

Gibbs: Ooh. It smells like a French whorehouse in here.

Palmer: [referring to his new cologne] That's me.

Gibbs: What are you trying to do, Palmer? Raise the dead?

Abby: If Major Mass Spec were a guy, I would totally marry him and bear his little Mini Mass children.

Tony: You want to learn about being a real man, McGee, you've got to study the Japanese samurai. These guys are like Gibbs, with even bigger stones and less to say.

McGee: Is that even possible?

Tony: Aren't you hot?

Ziva: [smirks] I've been told that before.

Tony: I'm talking about temperature!

Ziva: Okay, stop complaining! This is what winter feels like in Israel.

Tony: Well, we're not in Israel. We're in the good, old U.S. of A, my little immigrant friend, where we like to embrace central air, not melanoma.

Double Identity [7.17]

Ziva: Hey, any of you notice something different about Ducky?

McGee: Yeah, he has seemed awfully chipper as of late.

Tony: Ducky does seem plucky. No one loves rain in D.C.

Ziva: No, his ties! He's been wearing tie ties, not his bow ties.

Tony: Wow. That's very observant.

McGee: I built an application for my phone.

Tony: Why is that important to what we're doing here?

McGee: With a vehicle's VIN number, you can access all the vehicle's pertinent information, including key and remote code. Hack into a database, download all the codes, and there it is.

Tony: Wow. I'm glad that MIT education paid off for something, McGee.

McGee: It is pretty super, isn't it?

Tony: I don't believe you.

McGee: Yeah, I'm not going to unlock the door for you, Tony.

Tony: Well, I don't think you could unlock the door, because if you could you'd prove it to me by doing it.

McGee: Uh, no [...]

Tony: [snatches phone and unlocks door] You should patent that.

Jurisdiction [7.18]

Ziva: Found candy leftover from Valentine's day.

Tony: Candy from who?

Ziva: Why does it matter?

Tony: It matters because you didn't eat it and so that person must not mean very much to you. It means something!

Ziva: It means nothing.

Tony: I'm glad I wasn't your valentine.

Ziva: So am I!

Gibbs: Wanted to see how Jensen lived.

Tony: It says a lot about a man. Take your house for instance: clean, no nonsense, stoic.

Gibbs: Stoic? My house is stoic?

Tony: Understated, then?

Gibbs: I planted some roses last weekend. Red ones. Are red roses stoic?

Tony: Well, they're prickly and thorny.

Tony: [searching their victim's house, after finding the front door open] Clear, boss!

[Abigail Borin approaches Tony and puts her gun to his back.]

Tony: Maybe not totally clear.

Borin: Toss the gun. Do it now.

Tony: [laughing] Take it easy, sweetheart. Who are you?

Borin: I'm not the one breaking and entering.

Gibbs: [approaching Abigail from behind] No, the door was open. Ladies first.

Omagi: [entering from behind Gibbs] It's turning into a party around here.

Tony: Wow. looks a little like Reservoir Dogs, except you're cuter than Harvey Keitel.

Gibbs: [holding up his badge] We're federal agents.

Borin: Get his I.D.

[Omagi reaches for Gibbs' badge and Gibbs shakes him off]

Gibbs: Look, don't touch.

Omagi: NCIS.

Borin: [lowering her weapon] Come on, really?

Gibbs: Who are you guys? DEA? FBI?

Borin: CGIS.

Tony: [chuckling] Coast Guard, boss.

Borin: You got a problem with that?

Tony: [stops laughing, seriously] No.

Borin: Yeah. [head-slaps Omagi] Put the weapon away, Kyle.

Omagi: Oh yes, ma'am.

Tony: That's a nice head slap.

Missy Dawkins: Oh my god, I can't believe he's dead!

McGee: What was your relationship with the deceased?

Missy Dawkins: You mean he's deceased, too?

Ziva: These are ocean charts. [points] This is where the Delilah was abandoned.

Tony: Calafuego. Treasure hunters.

Ziva: Is that was this is all about? Treasure?

Tony: Pirate treasure.

Ziva: Well this looks like David Jones' Locker.

Tony: Davy Jones'. He used to sing with The Monkees.

Ziva: Real monkeys?

Tony: I envy your brain sometimes.

Tony: Are you ready for the adventure of a lifetime?

Ziva: [chuckles] It is just a movie, Tony.

Tony: How dare you? [puts down popcorn and hands Ziva a drink] Is Mickey just a mouse? Ringling Brothers just a circus?

Ziva: Yes.

Tony: [chuckles] Well, you see, that's why you don't have any friends.

Ziva: I do have friends!

Tony: Really? Then what are you doing with me, watching a movie on a Friday night at work? Huh?

Ziva: You are my friend.

Tony: Really?

Ziva: No. My date canceled.

Tony: Mine, too. [They smile and begin to watch The Black Pirate]

Guilty Pleasure [7.19]

Ziva: [to Tony and McGee] You know what, you two? I have actually heard of this. You two are having a seven year bitch.

Tony: Itch, and yes we are.

Ziva: You two are like a married couple.

Gibbs: Oh, no they're not. They're still speaking.

McCadden: Hey, they're showing a restored print of Road Warrior in Norfolk on Friday, you want to go?

Tony: [imitating Humungus] "Just walk away. I'll spare your lives for that tank of gas." [McCadden laughs.] Humungus. Yes, we're going!

Gibbs: Abby --

Abby: No time for smalltalk, Gibbs, there's way too much to tell.

Gibbs: I only said 'Abby', Abby.

Abby: Well, now you've said it thrice.

McGee: Well, if it isn't T-Cadd.

Tony: What?

McGee: T-Cadd. It's what I'm calling you guys now. You know, the cute couples contraction? Tom-Kat, Bennifer, Brangelina.

Tony: Yeah, we got it McBitter.

McGee: You two are wearing the same suit, even. [they smile] Nice.

McCadden: Building security found the body. No blood, it looks like he was dumped. Multiple stab wounds to the back. We've definitely got a fifth victim.

Tony: Wounds on his arm, chest. Guy wasn't easy to take out.

McGee: He put up a fight.

McCadden: Killer had to be strong, we're probably looking for a male.

Tony: Or Ziva. [they laugh]

Moonlighting [7.20]

Witness 1: Gnarly, dude.

Witness 2: Yeah, for real.

Gibbs: Words, use 'em. Helpful words.

Witness 2: We were sleeping in our van, yo, right. And we heard bam, bam, boom, boom, crack, crack.

Witness 1: Gunshots, dude. That's what I said. I was like, dude, gunshots. [turns to look at friend] Right?

Ziva: So you're saying there were six gunshots?

Witness 1: No, two gunshots. But there was like an echo and he was like, dude don't look and I was like dude we're looking.

Witness 2: Yeah, and then, then we like peeked through the windows and we saw two dudes drive off in a black Lincoln.

Gibbs: Two? You sure it's two, it wasn't an echo?

Witness 1: Yep, two dudes.

Witness 2: Two dudes.

Palmer: It wasn't sand sand, like good sand. It was bad sand. Very bad sand. It made me break out in red welts.

Ducky: It wasn't the sand, Mr. Palmer, but the sand mite.

Palmer: The sand might what?

Ducky: The sand mite bit you.

Palmer: Sand bites?

Ducky: Well, sand mites might bite.

Palmer: I'm grammatically lost.

Ducky: But medically found. The tiny crustacean known as the mite. M-i-t-e.

Fornell: [he and Gibbs walk into Director Vance's office without knocking and turn on the TV] You have a surveillance camera in the conference room now. Hope you don't have one in the elevator.

Vance: [is crouching behind desk going through files] We don't, not yet at least, Agent Fornell. [sits up] How can I help you?

Gibbs: To borrow your TV.

Vance: And my copy of Emily Post. Door was closed.

Gibbs: I thought you were in MTAC.

Vance: Well, we all make mistakes. That's why God invented knocking. McGee's interviewing Susan Grady.

Fornell: You sure you don't have a camera in the elevator?

Vance: When I do, you'll be the first to know, Agent Fornell.

Agent Grady: You have to catch them! Now! Like, right now.

Tony: We're working on it.

Ziva: We have hit a shamu.

Grady: Does she mean snafu?

Tony: Roll with it.

Obsession [7.21]

Ziva: So, what exactly are you looking for in Miss Right?

Tony: [laughs] Well, aside from the obvious, uh, physical requirements, I don't know. I guess she'd be a very independent woman, intelligent, successful, professional.

Ziva: Okay, just one question: what would this woman, possibly, see in you?

[They smile and walk away from each other]

Alison: I thought you were going to start locking your front door.

Gibbs: Well, if I did that I'd have no social life. What are you doing here, Alison Hart?

Alison: You didn't seem happy with my new status at NCIS.

Gibbs: Oh, and I thought I covered that so well.

[Abby has been invited by Alejandro Rivera to speak at a symposium in Mexico City]

McGee: You're not going to go, are you?

Abby: Are you kidding me? Why wouldn’t I go?

McGee: Well, I bet he just wants to find out how many tats you have.

Abby: Maybe I have a new one that you're never going to see.

Gibbs: You okay?

Tony: Not really. I broke rule number ten. Again. Never get personally involved on a case.

Gibbs: Yeah. That's the rule I've always had the most trouble with.

Borderland [7.22]

Tony: I bet Abby could last longer than ten seconds playing random chat.

Ziva: You are obsessed.

Tony: You wouldn't understand.

Ziva: Why is that?

Tony: Because, being irritating is second nature to you. Me, I'm charming.

Ziva: [scoffs]

Tony: I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say serial killer.

Ziva: [laughs] A limb. Nice!

Tony: Can I give you a hand? These are terrible jokes...

Abby: Now I know why Ziva took the couch in Paris.

McGee: Tony said that he took the couch in Paris.

[they look at each other understandingly]

Abby: Hi, Gibbs.

Gibbs: Hey, Abs.

Abby: Can I come in?

Gibbs: Yeah. You're already in.

Abby: Oh, right. Okay. It was nice talking to you.

Gibbs: Abs. Why are you here?

Abby: You know why I'm here. I matched the bullet in Pedro Hernandez's head to your sniper rifle. You killed him. In cold blood. I mean, I know what he did, Gibbs. He... he killed your wife and your daughter, but Gibbs.

Gibbs: I know.

Abby: Gibbs doesn't do things like that, or does he? Now I don't know. I don't know anything. The only thing that I do know is that I didn't find this out by accident.

Gibbs: Rule forty.

Abby: If it seems like someone is out to get you, they are. You have no idea how much I wish it was yesterday. Maybe if I could just close my eyes and open them again it will be. [crosses her fingers and closes her eyes, only to open them in dismay] Do you realize the situation that I'm in now?

Gibbs: Yeah, I know.

Abby: Do you understand the choice that I have to make now?

Gibbs: I know.

Abby: Stop saying I know!

Gibbs: What do you want me to say?

Abby: Tell me that I'm wrong! Tell me that I made a mistake with the ballistics or --

Gibbs: No. No, I can't say that.

Abby: Then tell me how much I've been like a daughter to you, and how much you love me.

Gibbs: Will that help?

Abby: No. What I really need to know, Gibbs, is if you're going to love me no matter what.

Patriot Down [7.23]

Tony: It is perfect for s'mores.

McGee: I never liked s'mores.

Tony: What are you talking about? What's not to like? You've got your chocolate, graham crackers, gooey marshmellows. What kind of boy scout are you?

McGee: I'm a Webelos, actually.

Tony: Well, zip up Webelos, your inner geek is showing.

Tony: It's tough to master the flan. Texture needs to be smooth, just the right ratio of milk to vanilla to caramel.

Ziva: Can we stop talking about the flan?

Tony: What are you, anti-flan?

McGee: Why would you let someone get away with rape?

Ziva: Perception. Burrows is in the military. If a woman cries rape, no man on that ship would ever totally trust her again.

McGee: Well, you're a woman. What would you do?

Ziva: I'm different. After torturing them until they cried like babies, I would castrate them, give them what they deserve.

Tony: Hmm. Spoken like a true almost-American.

Abby: Since when did I become the kid in class that the teacher won't call on? The evidence in my report says that you killed Pedro Hernandez, and you're not even willing to talk to me about it.

Gibbs: I didn't think I needed to.

Abby: I owe you everything. You're Gibbs. No one needs to know the truth about the Hernandez investigation. I am willing to do anything for you. I just need you to tell me what to do.

Gibbs: No you don't, Abs. I've only ever needed you to do one thing.

Abby: My job. But it's different this time. I mean, it has to be, right?

Gibbs: No, it doesn't.

Rule 51 [7.24]

Tony: Did you see that?

Ziva: See what?

Tony: A wink.

Ziva: Director Vance winked?

Tony: I think he winked. Unless he was prepping his eye for the scanner, but --

Ziva: Why would it matter if he winked?

Tony: Because that's what he and Gibbs do. They have this whole wink-wink, nudge-nudge language. Vance can't green light an op. He expects us to pick up the slack when we see it.

Ziva: You see slack.

Tony: I don't know. Did you see a wink?

Abby: You guys are going to Mexico! What's the plan?

Tony: What do you know, Abs?

Abby: Gibbs mentioned rule forty.

Tony: If you think someone's out to get you, they are?

Ziva: I have never heard of a rule in the forties.

Tony: They don't come up very often.

Abby: And that's a good thing.

Ziva: How many times have I told Gibbs to write these things down?!

Tony: You don't have to write them down, they're for daily use, most of the rules, but the forties --

Abby: The forties. The forties are for emergency use only.

Tony: If the forties are in play something unspeakably bad is going down.

Ziva: We have to get him back.

Gibbs: Ain't that a riddle? Guy trapped in a room, no doors, no windows.

Paloma Reynosa: Then how did he get there?

Gibbs: Walls were built around him. But there's nothing there except a mirror and a table. How does he get out? Here's a hint, it won't work in Spanish.

Jason Paul Dean: Look in the mirror, see what you saw. Take the saw, cut the table in half. Two halves make a whole. Climb out the hole. Most retarded riddle I've ever heard.

[Vance had earlier told Gibbs about his tour of the Warner Bros studio lot during his earlier trip to Los Angeles.]

Vance: You know, there's a story about Humphrey Bogart on that tour. Might be apocryphal, but I hope it's true. So he finishes early, walks across the street to the bar, still wearing his costume and his make-up. Couple hours later, the director realizes he needs Bogie for one more shot, so he sends a production assistant, sends a kid to drag Bogie back onto the cafe set. The director somehow gets him to the top of the stairs and says, "all I need you to do, is look over here and nod."

Gibbs: That's it?

Vance: That's it. Bogie nods, one take, he's done. It's in the movie. When Victor Lazlo wants the band leader to play "La Marseillaise", he looks to Rick for the okay. It's only the turning point for the entire character. Where he actually makes a commitment, and joins the cause.

Gibbs: All he had to do was nod.

Vance: And that started everything.

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NCIS (season 7)