NCIS (season 2)

See No Evil [2.1]

Tony: [slams a portable fan onto his desk] Anyone, and I mean anyone, know when the air conditioner is getting fixed? What about the name of the genius who invented windows that don't open? Like, what are we on, a space ship? Windows should open!

Kate: [checks him out admiringly] Ooh! Have you been working out?

Tony: All summer long. Thanks for finally noticing!

Kate: No. I meant right now. 'Cause you're sweating like a pig and it's not very... [whispers] attractive!

[She sits down... and jumps up with a shriek when she realizes McGee is under her desk.]

McGee: [awkwardly] Morning, Agent Todd!

Kate: McGee...

McGee: Yeah?

Kate: You have two seconds to tell me what you're doing down there!

McGee: I'm upgrading the computer system, and, uh...

Kate: Time's up!

[She hauls him to his feet by his ears.]

McGee: N...n...no! I wasn't looking! Ahh! I wasn't looking!

Gibbs: [walking in] Tony, Did I just see what I thought I saw?

Tony: Um, out of respect for my co-workers, I'd have to say "yes, you did" and it's kind of disturbing.

Gibbs: I agree. Put your damn shirt on! This is a federal office building, not a gym! [notices McGee] Damn it, McGee, why are you still here?

McGee: The air conditioner's been turned off and it won't get turned on 'till the network's back on.

Gibbs: And you think it's acceptable to be crawling around all day, by yourself?

McGee: I just wanted it fixed before I returned to Norfolk.

Gibbs: You have any idea where thinking like this is going to lead you?

Tony: Yeah, do you, McGee?

Gibbs: Promotion. You need any help, you ask Tony. It looks like he could use a workout.

[McGee notices Tony's death stare.]

McGee: It's not that hard, so I'll probably do it myself.

Tony: Good answer!

Kate: Don't let him intimidate you, McGee. That's my job today.

[Her phone rinks and she snatches it.]

Kate: Agent Todd!

McGee: [to Tony] I didn't look!

Tony: Oh, I believe you. But let me ask you this... is she a pantyhose or a thong girl? 'Cause I'm thinking thong... [winces as Kate elbows him in the gut]

Gibbs: [smashing cell phone on desk] God, I hate this thing! It's crap!

Kate: There's a secretary from the Pentagon downstairs and she claims her boss is being held hostage by his computer.

Gibbs: See? [holds up smashed phone] There's a reason I didn't trust these things. [tosses it to McGee] Here, reboot that or something. [to Kate] Send her up.

McGee: Reboot it?

Kate: Or you can do what we always do.

[Tony pulls a box out of a filing cabinet drawer filled with new, unopened phones and hands it to McGee.]

Tony: It's his third one this month.

Abby: [as her computer fizzles and crashes] NO! NO, NO, NO,... My baby just french-fried!

McGee: System's over-heated.

Gibbs: So reboot it.

Abby: Believe it or not, Gibbs, not all computer problems can be solved by rebooting.

Gibbs: [brightly, holding up cell phone] Works for me.

Abby: Even if it does. It's gonna take like an hour for mine to cool down!

McGee: And without air conditioning it'll happen again!

Gibbs: So take it somewhere cooler!

Abby: Where? The whole building is like an illegal sweat-shop!

Gibbs: Not the whole building Abs!

Kate: McGee, can't you tell when someone's kidding with you?

McGee: I used to and then I met you guys.

Gibbs: Kate, take McGee and search the Watsons' house. DiNozzo, I want everything there is on Watson and his family by the time I get back. [takes his SIG out and walks to elevator]

Tony: Where are you going Boss?

Gibbs: To talk to Capt Watson.

Kate: Wait, Gibbs, if they're watching him...

Gibbs: I'll make sure they don't notice!

Kate: [to Tony] That is not a good call.

Tony: [nonchalantly] Relax. You think Gibbs keeps that haircut to save on shampoo?

Tony: Delivery complete.

Gibbs: That's good work, Tony.

Tony: Thanks, Boss. That means a lot.

Gibbs: If NCIS doesn't work out I hear General Wee's Chinese Restaurant is hiring.

Abby: Face it, McGee. We are doomed.

McGee: Gibbs can't really expect us to hack into the Pentagon in a single afternoon!

Abby: Yeah, he can.

McGee: You're right, we are doomed.

Abby: We have to call DOD and hope they'll let us in without severing the connection!

McGee: Unless! What if the trojan isn't system wide? If it was then...

Abby: He wouldn't need...

McGee: Watson to do it for him! That means that he can't access the rest of the network!

Abby: (stares at the computer screen) We've been trying to hack the wrong place!

McGee: Okay checking for outside links! Yes we've got multiple incoming packets! And we're varying the Doomsday Trojan!

Abby: (flirting) I love it when you talk geek!

McGee: (flirting) I love it that you love it!

Gibbs: I'll be sure to mention that to Captain Watson...right after we're done burying his family!

Abby: I would seriously hold off on those funeral arrangements Gibbs! The reason we're so excited is...

McGee: We've hacked into Watson's computer...

Abby: And we should be able to back-trace the connection as soon as (sees the image distort) No, no (starts typing frantically) No! (as the screen goes black) Aah! (Gibbs looks confused) My baby just french-fried!

McGee: (to an even more confused Gibbs) The system's overheated!

Gibbs: So just re-boot it!

Abby: (puts her head in her hands) Believe it or not Gibbs...But not all computer problems can be solved by re-booting!

Gibbs: (holds up a new phone and says brightly) Works for me! (McGee looks terrified of what could happen if Gibbs realises the scam Kate and DiNozzo have been pulling on him.)

Abby: Even if it does. It'll take like at least an hour for mine to cool down!

McGee: And with out air-conditioning it'll happen again!

Gibbs: So take it somewhere cooler

Abby: Where? The whole building is like an illegal sweatshop!

Gibbs: (smiling) Not the whole building Abs!

Ducky: Can I trouble you for the left ear, Mr. Palmer?

Jimmy: Uh (holds the ear to his left ear to make sure it's the same one) One left ear coming up!

Ducky: Huh.

Jimmy: What?

Ducky: That's odd!

Jimmy: What? It's not the left ear!

Ducky: It's the left just not the right left...so to speak!

Jimmy: But that would mean...

Ducky: Three bodies! (Jimmy sighs in annoyance and pushes the drawer shut) Time to start another table!

Abby: Hey Ducky! My computer died! We need somewhere cooler to set up shop!

Ducky: (looking at the meat puzzle on the tables) Well we're a little short on space for the moment Abigail but you can use 107! (opens the drawer to find a cadaver still in there) Definately not 107! His relatives were supposed to arrange for him to be taken back last week! Uh...Will this do?

Abby: Perfect!

Jimmy: Oh can I give you a hand?

McGee: (sees the blood) Uh, no.

Gibbs: McGee, where are you going?

McGee: Uh, Norfolk.

Gibbs: Well, I got some good news, and some bad news for you. You've just been promoted. [holds up envelope with McGee's promotion] To a full-time field agent.

McGee: Really? That's incredible! What's-

Gibbs: You belong to me now.

[After he leaves]

Kate: Congratulations!

Tony: Yeah, what she said.

McGee: So, I-I'm one of you guys now, right? No more hazing?

Kate and Tony: Sure.

McGee: Well, I-I just want to say that I never took it personal and I--

[Kate and Tony both head-slap McGee]

Tony: You know I could really get used to that.

Kate: (walking up the front path with McGee in tow then notices the sweater) They either left in a hurry. Or were forced to!

McGee: How do you know she just didn't leave it there?

Kate: (looks at McGee like he's gone crazy) Because she's a little girl, McGee! (then says the stereotype of a boy) They're not typically slobs!

McGee: Remind me to introduce you to my little sister!

Kate: (using a Gibbs comeback) What was that?

McGee: (scared out of his wits) Nothing Agent Todd!

Abby: (yelling as Tony winces) Okay Gibbs, your mic is coming in loud and clear! Who's that in the office with him?(jokes) The Devil?

Gibbs: Hey, hey, hey, hey! (signs something to her)

Abby: (signs "sorry")

Tony: You know? Seeing as no-one in this room is actually deaf that is really annoying!

Gibbs: What can you tell me about the voice?

Abby: It sounds like this particle physicist I used to date! He had these tiny little chiglet-like teeth and an Eiffel Tower tattoo!

Gibbs: (shakes the Caf-Pow) Do you want this Abby or not?

Abby: Okay! Obviously it's being disguised! I think I can filter it back to it's original state!

Tony: You think?

Voice Masked: (really high-pitched) "she is a little beauty, she is a little beauty"!

Tony: Yeah! Okay I'll get that APB out on the lollipop guild!

Abby: Patience Tony!

Voice Masked: (really slow and low) "little Beauty"

Voice Unmasked: "He was right about one thing, she is a little beauty"

Gibbs: Not bad! (passes her the Caf-Pow)

Abby: Thank you Gibbs!

Gibbs: Next thing I need you to do is hack into Captain Watson's computer!

Abby: (chokes on her Caf-Pow) Gibbs! We're talking about the Pentagon here! Even their encryptions have encryptions!

Gibbs: Yeah? That dirt-bag somehow managed it!

Abby: it probably took him months! Our best bet is to ask the DOD for access to their system!

Gibbs: No, cause the first thing they'll do is sever the connection! And if that happens, we'll end up with two dead dependants!

Abby: I don't think I can do it!

Gibbs: Tony. Get McGee on the hook!

Abby: (fighting her emotions grabs his phone) No! (moving out of his reach) I'll get in!

Gibbs: Yeah?

Abby: Yeah!

Gibbs: I believe you!

Tony: (after Gibbs has walked out he turns the phone off) When has Gibbs been wrong before?

The Good Wives Club [2.2]

Tony: Let me guess, you never inhaled.

McGee: I inhaled.

Tony: Yeah?

McGee: Once. A little bit.

Tony: How was it?

McGee: Didn't like it.

Kate: You didn't like it?

McGee: No...

Tony and Kate: He didn't inhale.

Gibbs: Put someone in a wedding dress

Kate: Tony would look cute.

Gibbs: No. He's off interviewing the victim's parents.

Kate: Well, McGee then.

Gibbs: No, he's with Tony.

Kate: Abby.

Gibbs: No, up to her tats in forensic tests.

Kate: Well, what about you? [Gibbs looks at her] You won't have to wear the dress. (smiles awkwardly then looks at her wrist as Gibbs shackles her in) This isn't what I had in mind. I wanted to observe!

Gibbs: I'm observing!

Kate: (raises her arm to a more comfortable position) Okay. So she could make it to the toilet but couldn't make it to the threshold of the tunnel! (pulls on it) Ow!

Tony: Do you know what bongos are? Well the beatnik is playing them in my head!

Gibbs: Tony, Kate, McGee. MTAC now!

Tony: (mutters) Tony, Kate, McGee? (louder) Tony, Kate, McGee!

Kate: (walking with Tony) Beatnik gone?

Tony: (nodding) Yeah!

Kate: Cool! (starts clicking her fingers rhythmically)

Kate: You find the perfect 50's woman and she almost kills you DiNozzo!

Tony: She was so obedient!

Kate: Yeah. It's scary how impressed you are by that!

Vanished [2.3]

[Watching Gibbs conduct an interrogation]

Tony: I think Gibbs enjoys this more than sex.

Kate: That would explain the three wives.

Kate: You know. Most people tend to their personal hygeine at home!

Tony: (clipping his nails) What? This bothers you?

Kate: No, What bothers me is that it doesn't bother me anymore!

Lt. Jane Doe [2.4]

Tony: Hey Boss. Got statements from Seamen Jennings and Wilkins. Can I cut them loose? They've been at sea a long time.

Gibbs: Know where to find them?

Tony: Motel at Virginia Beach. Girlfriends are waiting.

Gibbs: Yeah. [Tony signals to the Seamen to leave]

Tony: [to Kate] Haven't been with their women in 6 months, 3 weeks and 18 hours. [shudders] Longest I went was 11 days, 6 hours.

Kate: I can't believe you actually know these things.

Tony: It's a gift.

[Gibbs enters Abby's lab to find McGee lying on the floor fixing the wiring in Abby's computer]

Gibbs: Special Agent Goodwrench?

(Tony shows the Bartender a picture of the victim.)

Bartender: Such a sweet countenance.

Tony: Sweet countenance?

Bartender: Yeah, that radiant look on her face.

Tony: She doesn't look radiant, she's dead.

Bartender: In that picture?

Tony: Yeah, she's dead.

Bartender: She's dead?

Tony: She's dead. Why do ya think her eyes are closed.

Bartender: I thought she was meditating.

[Gibbs gets off the phone and notices Kate standing in front of his desk grinning]

Gibbs: Gas pain?

Kate: [smile fades away] What? No!

Gibbs: Well, then stop grinning and tell me what you got

Kate: When he found the first Jane Doe while jogging, Petty Officer Goetz was in port on a carrier, the Teddy Roosevelt.

Gibbs: [looks through his case files] Agent Dawes interrogated him a number of times, on The Big Stick and here.

Kate: The Big Stick?

Gibbs: Teddy Roosevelt. "Talk softly, carry a big stick."

Kate: [realizes] Big stick! Cute. [continues] Goetz stayed in the Navy, is a Chief and arrived in Norfolk in the same carrier as the seamen who found our Jane Doe. The "Honest Abe"?

Gibbs: Shall not perish.

Kate: What?

Gibbs: Lincoln is not the "Honest Abe". It's "Shall Not Perish".

Kate: [bemused] What kind of nickname is "Shall Not Perish"?

Gibbs: [resumes his work] Ask Chief Goetz when you pull him in for questioning.

Kate: Ok. [goes back to her desk]

McGee: The Emancipator!

[Gibbs looks up at McGee]

McGee: That would be a good name for the Abraham Lincoln. [Gibbs looks at him] Since he signed the Emancipation Proclamation.... [Gibbs continues staring him down until McGee realizes and stops talking.]

Tony: Nothing says welcome to manhood as perfectly as a skillful lapdance.

Ducky: Unlike the living, when the dead speak, they do not lie.

Bartender: Some man raped and murdered her?! [glares at Tony]

Tony: Yeah. It wasn't me, I'm trying to catch the bastard.

Abby: You touch that, McGee, you'll be singing soprano!

The Bone Yard [2.5]

[Tony and Gibbs are sparring in the boxing ring]

Tony: Learned how to box in the Marines?

Gibbs: No. Corps doesn't teach boxing.

Tony: [grins] That's your loss!

[Gibbs floors Tony with a single move]

Gibbs: They teach fighting.

[Kate has McGee pinned on the floor]

Kate: Have I mentioned that I was hand-picked to protect the President of the United States?

McGee: Five times!

[Tony comes up to them to gawk at McGee]

Tony: Are you gonna take that abuse McGee?

McGee: No! [flips Kate over and pins her on the floor]

Kate: I like it McGee! Why were you holding back?

McGee: Well you...I mean I've never wrestled--

Kate: A girl? [to Tony] Tony, I look like a girl to you?

Tony: All I see are two NCIS special agents.

Kate: Me, too!

[She kicks McGee in the crotch, Tony cringes.]

Gibbs: [hangs up his phone] Training's over. We're headed to Quantico. Guy tried to outrun a 500-pound bomb.

Kate: And?

Gibbs: He lost.

[Kate follows Gibbs out. McGee is still on the floor, groaning in pain]

Tony: [attempting to comfort McGee] She had three older brothers growing up. I think there's some unresolved issues there.

McGee: Ya think?!

Gibbs: With luck, he'll spit on my boots.

Kate: Looking for a reason to whack him in the head, Gibbs?

Gibbs: No. To shoot him.

Deluca: Hey! Agent Gibbs! Are you deaf or nuts?!

Gibbs: A little of both.

Fornell: Anyone ever told you you're an insufferable bastard?

Gibbs: [pleased] Yeah.

FBI Agent: Are you always a smart-ass?

Tony: Just to you boys from the Hoover building.

Fornell: Realising how sad this sounds, you're the closest thing I have to a friend, Gibbs.

Gibbs: [bemused] You dying or something? OK, not dying. Is this some part of a twelve-step program?

[Kate and Tony go undercover posing as a trashy couple going for a paternity test.]

Kate: You writin' my name, right?

Tony: What? I just wanna know if it's mine. [to nurse] She kinda sleeps around a lot, if you know what I mean.

Kate: If I did, it's cuz he ain't any good in bed.

Tony: Least I didn't sleep with my cousin.

Kate: You slept with my sista!

Tony: I thought it was you!

Kate: She weighs 300 pounds.

Tony: She was wearing your earrings.

Receptionist: That's enough! If you two can't be civil, I'm going to have to ask you to leave.

Kate: Look, is there anywhere I can wait away from him? Please? I'm beggin' you.

Receptionist: There's an empty exam room behind you two doors on the right.

Kate: Thank you. [She flings her gum at Tony as she leaves.]

Tony: I'm sorry. [to person sitting in the waiting room] She slept with my brother. And my best friend. At the same time.

Abby: Gibbs is going to kill you.

McGee: What, why me?

Abby: I'm not telling him.

Kate: Wow, I thought you were the only one who could piss him off like that.

Tony: You never met his second wife.

Jimmy Napolitano: I'll kill your brothers, your uncles, your father, and after the funerals I'll kill you.

Gibbs: No brothers. No uncles. My father passed years ago. I do have three ex-wives whose names and addresses I will gladly fax on to you. [Jimmy hangs up on him] Huh! He hung up!

Terminal Leave [2.6]

Willy: Have you shot anybody?

Tony: Not this week.

Tony: I want double overtime for this, boss. That kid's a nightmare.

Gibbs: He reminds me of you.

Jimmy: Yeah. When I was a kid, I used to bury our pets under our porch till my mom found out. She was pretty upset.

Ducky: They didn't want you to bury your pets?

Palmer: No. We lived on the tenth floor of an apartment building.

Abby: (after attempting a technical explanation to Gibbs, gives up) Machine making pretty pictures now.

[Kate catches Tony listening through the door to Jen's room as her parents yell at her.]

Kate: (whispering) What are you doing?!

Tony: Uh... listening.

Kate: That is just wrong.

Tony: Sneaking your horny boyfriend into a house filled with armed federal agents who are on the lookout for Al-Qaeda assassins, that's wrong, Kate. Me, I'm just trying to gather some valuable intel so I can do my job better.

[They both nod, then put their ears to the door.]

Call of Silence [2.7]

Gibbs: [takes Kate aside] Corporal Ernest Yost. Dig up his SRB.

Kate: Got a Social Security number?

Gibbs: They didn't use them for serial numbers when he served.

Kate: So how am I supposed to get his SRB without a serial number.

Gibbs: Well, Kate, you can ask him.

Kate: Gibbs, I doubt that he could remember his--

Gibbs: Corporal Yost!

Yost: Yo!

Gibbs: Serial number!

Yost: 330090, sir!

Gibbs: Or you could just look him up under Medal of Honor recipients...

[Kate looks at Yost astounded, obviously seeing him in a new light.]

Gibbs: You don't win the Medal of Honor, Kate, you're awarded it for conspicuous gallantry above and beyond the call of duty.

Abby: This weapon is circa early 1940s.

Gibbs: Year or two before I joined the Corps. [smiles at Abby]

Yost: [to Tony] What do you know? You weren't even a gleam in your old man's eye!

Yost: It's not a water cooler, it's called a scuttlebutt. How long you been in the Corps, kid?

Tony: Since I met Gibbs.

[Commander Faith Coleman is furious to find out that Yost is not in the NCIS building. Unknown to her, Gibbs had Tony secretly take Yost home.]

Coleman: Please don't insult me by telling me he escaped.

Gibbs: The older they are, the sneakier they are!

Kate: Yost complained of a weak bladder. He had to use the restroom every ten minutes. We gave up escorting him and one time he just didn't come back.

McGee: Found a window open. He must've shimmied down that drain pipe.

Coleman: [sarcastically] Ah, I'd liked to have seen that.

Gibbs: We think the weak bladder was a trick to get us to let down our guard.

Kate: We're sick about it, Commander.

Coleman: Yes I can see that you all look absolutely devastated.

McGee: I put out an APB. Airports, train stations, taxi cabs...walker rentals...

Gibbs: Look at him, Commander, in agony over something he didn't do.

Coleman: How do you know?

Gibbs: [looks at Cdr Coleman] Ever been in combat?

Coleman: No.

Gibbs: The only one you depend on is the buddy next to you. He's closer to you than your brother. Why would you smash his head in?

Coleman: God only knows.

Gibbs: Well, he had better tell me 'cause I don't understand and neither does Yost.

Gibbs: Come on, Corporal. Let a Gunny buy you dinner.

Yost: You... you were never an officer?

Gibbs: Ah, hell no!

Yost: I knew there was something I liked about you.

Yost: You conned me, Gunny.

Gibbs: Nah. Would I do that to you?

Yost: You're damn right you would. And I want to thank you for it. [to Yoshida] And you were never on Iwo Jima?

Hiroshi Yoshida: Iwo Jima, no.

Yost: [wagging a finger at Gibbs] Ahhh...

Yoshida: Guadalcanal.

Heart Break [2.8]

[Palmer and Ducky performing the autopsy on the charred body]

Palmer: Uh, Doctor?

Ducky: Yes?

Palmer: Does it help you to talk to [the dead bodies]?

Ducky: They're still human. What we do is very invasive and impersonal. It helps me establish a relationship.

Abby: So, I hear you're not a fan of SHC.

Gibbs: Is that a band?

Abby: Spontaneous Human Combustion.

Gibbs: Don't waste my time, Abbs.

Abby: If you ever read my master's thesis, you may become a believer.

Gibbs: Doubt it...

Abby: I can show you photos of what was left of a 240 pound woman.

Gibbs: Yeah? I bet you won't.

Abby: She was sitting in a chair. All that was left were blackened seat springs, a section of back bone, one foot, still in a satin slipper, and ten pounds of ashes. The rest of her apartment was untouched.

Tony: You know, I was thinking about becoming a doctor.

Kate: Really? You, a doctor?

Tony: Anthony DiNozzo, comma, M.D.

Kate: [laughs] Let me guess, a gynecologist?

Tony: Oooh... no. I was thinking more dermatologist. Normal hours, big bucks, never an emergency. I mean, nobody ever died from a zit.

McGee: I had a terrible case of acne as a kid.

Tony: Of course you did, Probie.

Palmer: [to a dead body] I'm going to have to lock you up for the night, Commander.

Abby: [in a deep voice] NO! Don't put me back in the dark!

[Palmer jumps back]

Palmer: Abby! You made me almost...

Abby: [smiling] I made you almost what...? [in a deep voice] Jimmy?

Forced Entry [2.9]

[The team arrive at the crime scene.

Gibbs: Break out the gear. I'll coordinate with the MPs. [hands coffee to Tony] You drink that, DiNozzo, you're dead.

[...]

Tony: [hands Gibbs' coffee to an oblivious McGee] Coffee, Probie. Looks like you could use it.

McGee: Oh. Thanks, Tony.

Tony: Don't mention it. [smiles as he walks away]

McGee: [to Kate] I think he's finally starting to warm up to me.

[Kate looks away and smiles]

[...]

[McGee enters crime scene sipping the coffee just as Gibbs is walking out]

Gibbs: Enjoying that coffee, McGee?

McGee: Uh, yeah.

Gibbs: It's not too hot?

[Kate and Tony smile at each other. Gibbs glares at McGee and walks away. McGee spots Kate and Tony laughing quietly to each other and realizes he has been pranked.]

McGee: [embarrassed] It's your coffee. I'm sorry Boss. I'll get you another one. [turns to Kate and Tony] Thanks.

Kate: Yeah, maybe next time you should remember Rule 23.

Tony: Is that the one about not marrying a woman who eats more than you do?

MP Sgt. Hegarty: Never mess with a Marine's coffee if you want to live, Agent DiNozzo.

Tony: [laughs at McGee] Yeah.

[Kate pats McGee's back as he walks out the door]

Tony: Dead man walking!

Laura Rowans: Let me guess, you take it black, Agent Gibbs? Marines always do. What about you Agent McGee? Cream and sugar?

[McGee is about to accept, Gibbs looks at him]

McGee: Uh, you know what, I still have to take some photos outside, so maybe later but thank you. [hurriedly leaves]

Laura: Is he old enough to be an NCIS agent?

Gibbs: [deadpan] I ask myself that everyday.

McGee: Every road with access into Quantico is blocked by armed gate guards. There's Marines everywhere. Why would a rapist choose a victim here?

Sgt. Hegarty: Maybe he's got a death wish, Agent McGee.

McGee: There's easier ways to die.

Tony: Go for it, honey!

Kate: My first round's going through your right eye-socket, Lady!

Kate: (disgusted) DiNozzo? (walks over to him)

DiNozzo: One sec! I'm looking into the suspects state of mind!

Kate: (snatches the emails out of his hand) I've read them! And they're all pretty much the same!

DiNozzo: (shocked) Well...I've only read two and if you think there all the same then we definitely need to have a talk!

Kate: (smirks) Yeah, well...twelve years at Catholic school says that ain't ever gonna happen! (stalks off)

DiNozzo: (gapes) Do you still have the pleated skirt? (follows her)

Chained [2.10]

Tony: Kate, Kate?

Motorcycle Rider: Who's Kate?

Tony: My dog. She must have run away after the crash.

Motorcycle Rider: What does she look like?

Tony: A Shih-Tzu.

Motorcycle Rider: A what?

Tony: Long brown hair, kinda mangy?

[Kate screams.]

Abby: Is something wrong?

Kate: Gibbs is driving.

Abby: I'm sending a prayer in many languages.

Gibbs: Abs, do you have him?

Abby: [smug] Are you seriously asking me that?

Gibbs: [deadpan] No, I called to flirt.

[McGee is talking to the Deputy Secretary of State in MTAC]

Deputy Secretary of State: And what exactly did agent Gibbs tell you to say to me?

McGee: He told me to tell you... stick it.

Deputy Secretary of State: You're telling me to...?

McGee: Stick it! Thank you, Mrs. Secretary of State, our conversation is now over.

[He signals to cut off the connection. The MTAC staff break into applause.]

McGee: Boss, I told her. The Deputy Secretary of State.

Gibbs: Yeah. Did it work?

McGee: Well, she submitted a formal complaint to the Director.

Gibbs: McGee... Good job.

Tony: You can't drown in a stream, Jeffery. You can get wet, you can get frickin' freezing, but you can't drown!

Black Water [2.11]

(Tony's Cell Phone Is Ringing)

Kate: Are you going to answer that?

Tony: I'm in hell, Kate.

Kate: Well, do they have money there? Because you owe me... forty three dollars and eighty six cents for lunch this week.

Tony: I will gladly pay you today if you'll answer this call for me.

Kate: Yeah? Who is it?

Tony: Crazy ex-girlfriend. Haven't seen her since college.

Kate: Stalker?

Tony: More like a stalk-him.

Kate: What do you want me to say to her?

Tony: I don't know. Tell her you're my wife or something. She's been calling nonstop for two days. So I'm begging you here, Kate. Please.

Kate: You pay me back today.

Tony: Sure.

Kate: (Into Phone) Hello? Me? Oh, I am Tony's wife. Uh, yes. We got married a few years ago. (Whispers To Tony) We have kids? (Into Phone) Two. Yes. And we're very, very happy. So please don't call back again. (To Tony) I feel like I need a shower. (Hangs Up Phone)

Tony: Pay the lady, Probie.

McGee: He bet me forty dollars he could get you to say you're his wife today.

Kate: Tony, I'm going to kill you.

Ducky: Do you suspect foul play?

Gibbs: Well, you know me, Ducky. I suspect everything.

Ducky: Yes, that's an admirable trait for an investigator. And also, I suspect, the reason your three marriages ended in divorce.

Gibbs: Really? And all this time, I thought it was because I'm a bastard.

Gibbs: DiNozzo! Grab the gear and see if McGee is still alive.

Tony: On it, boss!

Doppelgänger [2.12]

Abby: [yelling] What?!

Gibbs: [pulls the phone from his ear, looks at it, puts it back to his ear] Yikes, Abby. What did McGee do now?

Abby: Put his size 10 shoe in his size 12 mouth.

[Discussing a suspect]

Tony: He's a freelance computer geek. Made six figures last year.

McGee: Are you wishing you were a computer geek, Tony?

Tony: I'd rather be homeless than be you, Probie.

Gibbs: You, blood spatters!

Abby: (hangs head and shuffles away) Yo ho heave ho...

McGee: One man's Linux is another man's OS/2

McGee: You just ruled out both suspects.

Abby: No, I didn't. I just proved someone smoked Llamas at Rock Creek park.

[McGee dials Gibbs. Cut to Gibbs making out with Karen. He picks up the phone.]

Gibbs: Gibbs.

McGee: Boss. I don't know if this is important, but-

Gibbs: McGee, this better be the most important phone call you make in your life.

[McGee tries to hand the phone to Abby, she dives out of the way.]

Niles: Wow, I'm amazed you found that.

McGee: Actually, I didn't. Our forensic scientist, Abby Scuito, did.

Niles: Wow, this Scuito, she must be hot.

[...]

Gibbs: He wanted us to look for a body.

McGee: We still would be if Abby hadn't found the hinky blood trail.

Niles: Man, I got to meet this woman.

McGee: She's probably not your type. Tattoos, piercings, dark make-up...

Niles: She Goth?

McGee: Uh-huh.

Niles: I love Goth.

Abby: Nobody gets everything right the first time, McGee. Except Gibbs.

Abby: It's more addictive than pistachios.

[Odd looks from Gibbs and McGee]

Abby: Well, have you ever just eaten one pistachio?

The Meat Puzzle [2.13]

Gibbs: You stick to him like an ex-wife after an alimony check.

Kate: Gibbs, what did Ducky look like when he was younger?

Gibbs: [grinning] Ilya Kuryakin.

[N.B. When he was younger, David McCallum (Ducky) played the role of Soviet secret agent Ilya Kuryakin in the TV series The Man from U.N.C.L.E.]

Tony: [referring to Ducky's elderly mother] Her last words to me were either "I'm gonna slit your throat" or "kiss your moat." I couldn't tell 'cause she was slurring.

Tony: Tony DiNozzo. Italian gigolo furniture-mover.

Gibbs: The homicide detective, that completes the team.

Ducky: You're forgetting the medical examiner.

Jimmy: Oh, that's you!

Ducky: Mother, this is Caitlin. [Ducky's mother spits at Kate] Mother, we talked about this. She is here to protect us!

Mrs. Mallard: Show me your knickers.

Kate: [shocked] Ma'am?

Mrs. Mallard: Underwear, missy! I can always tell a woman's intentions by her panties.

Tony: It's always been my philosophy.

Kate: You're relieved, Tony.

Tony: Oh, thank you. [pointing to the dog] This is Contessa, she likes it rough.

Mrs. Mallard: [eyeing Tony suspiciously] I have a knife in my brassiere.

[Palmer, Gibbs and McGee in the autopsy room examining a suspect's dental x-rays]

Gibbs: [points to x-ray] He gnaws his bones like a caveman?!

Witness [2.14]

Abby: I enjoy going to the dentist.

Kate: What could you possibly enjoy?

Abby: A little pain is a good thing, Kate.

Gibbs: What did the urine tell you, Abby?

Abby: Oh all kinds of stuff, we had a really good talk.

Gibbs: [About Tony] You may not admire his methods, but you gotta love the results.

McGee: What do you got, Abs?

Abby: [to Gibbs] Do I have to answer the newbie?

Gibbs: Humor him.

Abby: There were traces of cocaine in the box.

McGee: So Tony was right, he was dealing drugs.

Abby: Maybe not, the traces were microscopic so it could just be from hiding money.

[McGee looks confused.]

Abby: He calls himself a federal agent.

Gibbs: U.S. money supply is contaminated with traces of cocaine.

McGee: I thought that was an urban myth.

Abby: Give me a bill.

McGee: Huh?

Abby: Give me a bill!

[McGee hands her a bill.]

Gibbs: A hundred?

McGee: Yeah, I like to be prepared for any emergency.

Abby: You are such a boy scout.

[Abby rubs bill on paper.]

Abby: Money is a great receptor because the ink never really dries. One bill used to snort cocaine then going through an ATM leaves minute traces of the drugs on thousands of others. Four out of five bills in circulation are contaminated to a level that can be detected by drug dogs.

[Abby goes back to work, without giving back the bill.]

McGee: Um, Abs?

Abby: Yeah?

McGee: Forgetting something?

Abby: No.

[Tony and Kate are having a food fight]

Gibbs: Any more food fights in here, I'm joining in. With peas.

Kate: Frozen peas?

Gibbs: Nope. In the can.

Caught on Tape [2.15]

Tony: At least I don't hang out with married people.

Kate: [to Abby] Would you please tell him that a man and a woman can just be friends?

Abby: Absolutely they can.

Tony: Without having sex?

Abby: Oh no, they'll have sex.

Kate: Abby?!

Abby: What? Come on, Kate, haven't you ever slept with a friend?

Kate: [upset] What is wrong with you people?

Gibbs: [steps in] Good question, Kate. (sees the dog with a pink present ribbon and a choker around its neck) What'd you do to the dog?!

Kate: Taking care of her...unless you want to!

Gibbs: (laughs) No.

DiNozzo: (looks around, scratching his head) Has anyone seen my ball-cap? I know I left it right here!

Kate/Abby: No!

Abby: Hey Gibbs, do you have a camcorder?

Gibbs: [goes back into lab] Yeah. Digital, OK?

Abby: Good, Gibbs. Way to go! [as Gibbs is walking out] Did you make the jump to CDs yet? [Gibbs pauses and turns around to look at her] 'Cause if you didn't, it's cool. 'Cause all the hot DJs, they use vinyl these days anyway.

Gibbs: [stares at Abby blankly] Just get it to me. [walks away]

Abby: Gibbs! [Gibbs stops] Peace out, man!

[Gibbs rolls his eyes and exits]

[Kate and Gibbs are pursuing their suspect William Runion. Runion is hiding the bushes as Kate runs past.]

Runion: Idiots.

[From behind, Gibbs cocks his SIG and points at Runion's head]

Gibbs: Put your hands behind your head.

Runion: [shocked] How did you--

Gibbs: Sneak up on you like that?

Runion: [hands on his head] Yeah...

Gibbs: Used to do it for a living. Back then you'd be dead instead of under arrest. Any other questions?

Runion: Uh-uh

Gibbs: Didn't think so.

Abby: [reading lips of people on a tape] "We have to..." something. "We have to - blank - him."

McGee: Kill?

Kate: Murder?

Tony: Love? [Gibbs slaps him] Ow. I really wish you'd stop doing that!

Gibbs: I will, Tony! When you stop "blanking" up!

McGee: [referring to the poison ivy covering half his face.] So, honestly how do I look?

Abby: Um... Do you want the truth, or do you want me to lie to you to, uh... ease the burden of your own self-loathing?

McGee: I'd prefer the lie.

Abby: Me, too. You're the fairest in the land, McGee.

Tony: I'll take it. I've always wanted a dog. [The dog growls and tries to bite him.]

Kate: Good dog. I think I'll call you Tony.

Gibbs: It's a bitch, Kate.

Kate: I know.

Tony: Looks like we're going to play Gibbs' favorite game...

Abby: Ooo! Musical interrogation rooms!

[Ducky and Jimmy Palmer are examining a corpse which has been partially chewed off by scavengers]

Ducky: Indiscriminate predators, coyotes. Fish, cats, garbage, they'll eat anything they can chew. Unlike my mother who can no longer chew anything. I assure you, Mr Palmer, it is a beastly sight.

Palmer: Yes is it, doctor.

Ducky: [looks at Palmer] I was speaking of my mother.

Palmer: [looks up at Ducky] Right.

[Gibbs is interrogating suspect William Runion]

Gibbs: Why did you run?

Runion: Because of the pot in my trailer. I got a medical condition.

Gibbs: What?! Stupidity?

Pop Life [2.16]

Abby: We'll figure it out together, Jimmy.

Jimmy: Oh please, call me Jimmy

Abby: I just did.

McGee: (walks in on Abby and Palmer super glued together) Palmer, what the hell are you doing?

Abby: You know, you didn't have to yell at him. Jimmy is terrified of you now.

McGee: He is? Cool.

Ducky: The knife missed her vital organs so the wound, in and of itself, was not fatal.

Gibbs: She didn't bleed to death.

Ducky: Exactly. Her body contained four liters of blood, so there was no exsanguination.

Gibbs: Ducky...

Ducky: I'm sorry, it's such a lovely word, exsanguination, I can't help saying it. (laughs nervously as Gibbs just looks at him.) Moving on...

Tony: Twinkle Toes, Candy Pants, stay behind your mom here.

Tony: I knew this girl once. She squeaked. She made this little squeaking...

Kate: Tony! You want to tell Ducky that story?

Gibbs: He's heard it. We all have.

Jay: Who are you?

Tony: Same as Kate. Well not exactly.

Tony: (focusing on strippers behind) How's that?

Abby: Well it's art but we kinda need a shot of her face.

Tony: Boss, I don't know if you want to see this but you probably should...

Tony: (To Witness) Look, there is always something you remember about every woman, something you'll remember in twenty years time... something small and subtle... a piece of jewelry, a laugh... a smell.

Kate: Ugh, I feel like I've died and woke up in a Calvin Klein Ad.

Ducky: (To Kate and Tony) We need to look a little deeper. There is clearly a latent sibling rivalry here, being expressed by your adolescent and sexually-charged bickering. It all stems from a desperate desire to please a father figure, and I think we all know who that is!

Kate: What has this got to do with my tuna fish sandwich?

Kate: We need a mediator Ducky or I'm going to have to go to Employee Relations.

Tony: Which would be tattling!

Kate: No, Employee Relations is not tattling!

Tony: It's the adult version of I'm telling mummy.

Kate: You're so juvenile!

Tony: Am not.

Kate: Are so!

Tony: Am not!

Kate: We need an unofficial mediator Ducky.

Ducky: Well, did you try Gibbs?

Kate: Ugh...

Ducky: Good point.

Kate: We thought of McGee.

Tony: But, we have no respect for him.

Kate: And then we thought of you!

Ducky: I see, third on the short list. Well, at least I beat out Abby.

Tony: Well, we just came from there.

Kate: She turned us down.

Ducky: Oh.

Tony: I didn't think you would notice!

Kate: Oh stealing food is okay if no one notices!

Tony: It wasn't stealing, it was sharing.

Kate: It was my lunch! I don't want to share my lunch!

Tony: See you just said it was sharing!

Ducky: Excuse me. Show a little respect, this is a place of peace and dignity.

Tony: That was before Kate got here.

Tony: Suspect claims he went to bed with one woman and woke up with another.

Abby: That happens to girls, too. At night, some guy seems all dark and gnarly, and then you wake up and his tattoos are fake and he works at a bank.

McGee: I used to work at a bank.

Abby: Your tat is real and you don't disappoint me.

Tony: Little miss tighty pants here blows it out of proportion.

Gibbs: (to suspect) You went home with one woman and woke up with another.

Tony: I hate it when that happens...

Gibbs: I need the condoms tested.

Abby: Not what you want to hear first thing in the morning...

Abby: (about stripper) Wow Kate! How'd you get her to do that?

Gibbs: Paranoid.

Tony: Sounds like someone I know.

Tony: Are you done yet? (Standing over McGee, eating a cookie. Wipes crumbs off of McGee's head)

Tony: (after Gibbs takes the last cookie) That's so not right.

(Tony watching a singer/dancer at the club, nodding his head up and down with the music)

Gibbs: Tony stop jumping up and down. We can't see.

Willie: I dunno about you, but I've slept with a lot of women.

Tony: I wouldn't know anything about that Willy, I'm a Mormon.

Ducky: I'm flattered that you would entrust your relationship to me. It will be rather like.... marriage counseling. (smiles, Tony and Kate give a look)

Tony: Oh, let's not use those words.

Gibbs: You done?

Tony: Almost.

Gibbs: "Done" or "fired" are the choices.

Tony: Done.

Gibbs: DiNozzo!

(Tony is snoring)

Kate: I'll wake him up.

Gibbs: No. I got a better idea. (Speeds up then slams on the brakes. Tony is now awake)

Kate: Bad dream, DiNozzo?!

Tony: I... wha... uh... wha...

An Eye for an Eye [2.17]

Tony: A dead transsexual sailor, his spook instructor and a pair of human eyes walk into a bar, what's the punchline Kate?

Kate: Whatever it is, it involves this girl and Paraguay.

Tony: That's true, but not very funny. Probie! Make me laugh!

McGee: Okay, the bartender doesn't believe it so he asks the spook instructor 'what the hell is going on?' And the guy says 'what, guy can't have a drink with his pupils?'

[Unknown to McGee, Gibbs has walked up and is standing behind him.]

Gibbs: [from behind] You think this is a joke McGee?

McGee: [realizes Gibbs is behind him] Um, no I don't.

Gibbs: Good answer. Tony, you're with me in MTAC. Kate, get Purcell in here. We need to talk. [heads upstairs to MTAC]

McGee: He hates me, doesn't he.

Kate: Hate's a pretty strong word.

Tony: More like a mild dislike.

Kate: You did spill his coffee.

Gibbs: [from stairs] Today! DiNozzo! [Tony leaves]

Kate: [pats McGee on shoulder] Gibbs will get over it.

McGee: When?

Kate: Well, let's see. Last year Tony spilled his coffee and he warmed up to him... oh, about an hour ago. So, roughly eight to ten months.

[Gibbs, Tony and Kate are sitting in at a class to observe a lecturer]

Lt Cdr Purcell: Now that we've learned a bit about recruiting double agents, let's take a moment to consider some of the risks involved. Anybody?

[Tony raises his hand]

Gibbs: [looks to Tony] DiNozzo, would you like to become left-handed?

[Inside MTAC]

Lt. Col. Bushnell: I got your email, Special Agent Gibbs. To tell you the truth, I was shocked - when did you learn to use a computer?

[...]

Bushnell: To old times Gunny.

Gibbs: Old times, Skipper, old times.

[Video conference ends]

Tony: What's that supposed to mean?

Gibbs: You ask me again in seven years.

Tony: Why seven years?

Gibbs: It's when the Freedom of Information Act kicks in.

[After Abby fails to detect where Gibbs is hiding after sneaking into her lab]

Abby: You are getting sneakier the older you get!

Gibbs: Not to mention better-looking.

Bikini Wax [2.18]

Kate: Look all I am trying to say is that it is very unprofessional. Gibbs would never walk in here and tell us how much he paid for his shirt.

Tony: That's because the prices at Sears have been pretty consistent since the late 70's.

Gibbs: [entering] We have a body in Virginia. McGee?

McGee: Yeah.

Gibbs: Call Ducky.

McGee: Got it.

Tony: Hey, uh, boss? Have you had a chance to sign off on that missing persons case I gave you?

Gibbs: No, I haven't, DiNozzo. I tried to get to it last night but Sears was having a sale.

Kate: Give him 5 seconds.

McGee: Until what?

Kate: Until he notices there's a ...

Tony: Bikini contest?!

Jimmy: Something wrong, doctor?

Ducky: Her head is in the toilet, Mr. Palmer.

Jimmy: Oh, right.

Gibbs: What about his prints?

Abby: I compared them to the prints that Tony and McGee got from the beach restroom. They didn't jive.

McGee: Must have lifted hundreds of prints. You sure you ran them all?

Abby: [nonchalantly] No McGee, about midway through I got tired so I was just like "screw it".

Gibbs: [to Tony and McGee] If you two don't start working, I will show you hazing, and the Marine Corps does not do wedgies or noogies or melvins.

Tony: Thank you, boss.

Gibbs: She knew she was pregnant. Any idea about the father?

Tony: She used a pay phone to call him, but his cell was turned off. She said she left a message.

Kate: [laughing to herself] That's your worst nightmare, Tony.

Tony: [taunting] So, how's it going with those letters, Kate?

Kate: I'm working on it. Thanks, Tony.

Gibbs: How long?

Kate: Two days, three tops.

Gibbs: You've got four.

Kate: [surprised] Really?

Gibbs: Hours.

Kate: [deadpan] Sounds about right.

Conspiracy Theory [2.19]

Gibbs: [tosses keys to Tony] You're driving, Sex Machine.

[Tony emails Kate an old picture of her winning a wet t-shirt contest.]

Kate: Where did you get this?!

Tony: Wet T-shirt Wall Of Fame, Spring Break '94. Saw it when I was in Panama City last month.

Kate: Oh, my God...

Tony: Yeah, I was going to keep it to myself, but then you decided to tell everyone my pledge name!

Kate: You wouldn't dare!

Tony: Oh?

Gibbs: Make sure he didn't do any of that virus goat rope crap to my thing [gesturing to his computer after Fornell has been using it]

McGee: Goat rope?

Tony: Marine term, Probie.

Kate: It means half way between FUBAR and SNAFU.

McGee: Okay, uh, what's FUBAR?

Kate/Tony: You are!

Abby: Correct as always, my silver-haired fox - I mean, Gibbs, sir, boss.

Abby: See this? [Holds up bandaged finger]

Gibbs: Yes.

Abby: I cut myself today installing a graphics card in my computer.

Gibbs: Okay. Do you want me to kiss it or something?

Abby: That would be really nice, but it's not my point.

McGee: So what's the plan? Good cop/bad cop?

Kate: More like bad cop/scary cop, McGee.

McGee: Which one is which?

Kate: You'll have to ask their ex-wives to find out.

[For the umpteenth time, Tony shows Kate the raunchy picture of her on his PDA.]

Kate: [smiles] You're wasting your time. Doesn't bother me anymore, Tony.

Tony: Probie, wanna see something hot?

McGee: [walking over] Sure!

[Kate seizes Tony's hand in a death grip, covering the PDA screen.]

Kate: [whispering] What's-it-gonna-cost-me?

Tony: I don't know... you still have that Catholic schoolgirl uniform?

Red Cell [2.20]

Gibbs: You tell Abby I want her.

Abby [entering the room from behind him] Oh Gibbs, I never knew!

Kate: I hate to say it, but that was actually smart, Tony.

Gibbs: What was, Kate?

Kate: Tony might have figured out how to find the hacker.

Gibbs: It's his job. You think I keep him around for his personality?

McGee: What kind of interrogation technique is that?

Gibbs: The DiNozzo method. Not pretty but it's effective.

Tony: Hey, turn that frown upside down, sweetie... we're going back to college!

Kate: Your problem, Tony, is you never left.

McGee: Is Gibbs still mad at me?

Tony: About what, probie? Dead marine on campus? Missing petty officer? Computer hacker who might be part of a radical peace movement? None of these things are your fault, really... But sending Gibbs on a panty raid?

Kate: He's going to kill you.

Gibbs: You find my hacker yet?

Tony: McGee's upstairs working on it.

Gibbs: I didn't ask McGee. I asked my Senior Field Agent. I want that damn hacker! [walks out the room]

Tony: Did you hear that, Palmer?

Palmer: He sounded pretty upset.

Tony: No. [smiles] He called me his Senior Field Agent. Finally.

Abby: You guys are just in time for McGee's crisis of faith. He's starting to realize that there may be someone on this planet who's smarter than he is.

Kate: Oh, I'm looking at one right now.

Tony: Well, Kate, in all fairness, I am the senior field agent, but I think it's an experience that...

Kate: I was talking about Abby, dodo-head.

Abby: [Fake curtsies] Thank you, Kate!

Hometown Hero [2.21]

Kate: Tony's car was towed. Poor baby had to take the bus to work.

Tony: [irritated] You know what kind of people take the bus?

McGee: Yeah, I take the bus.

Tony: Exactly.

Tony: Gibbs is a boat man. He doesn't understand I have to have my car.

McGee: I'm giving you a rental, DiNozzo. What's the big deal?

Tony: Not the same, bus boy. My car's part of my being.

Tony: [while attempting to guess what McGee's first car was, McGee starts to reply] If you say Datsun Honeybee, I'm gonna come over there and smack you.

Gibbs: I need you to take a look, Ducky.

Ducky: What do you expect me to find?

Gibbs: Nothing. I just need to buy more time.

Ducky: Oh Jethro. [smiles] I can spend forever finding nothing.

Tony: You're taking the stairs McGee.

McGee: Why??

Tony: 'Cause I'm not taking an elevator with someone who doesn't know who Gary Cooper was!

Gibbs: McGee! Talk. Make sense.

SWAK [2.22]

Tony: Did you go Sake Bombing last night?

Kate: It's a cold! Ugh! Sake Bombing?

Tony: Come on Kate. Don't tell me you've never heard of Sake Bombing!

Kate: Would I ask if I...? (thinks for a minute) Forget it. I don't want to know!

Tony: You take a cup of hot sake, drop it in a beer, you toss it back and... (makes explosion sound)

Kate: (sarcastically) Sake bombing?

Tony: Great for a cold!

Kate: I'll stick to honey and hot tea, thanks!

Tony: McGee. Kate's never heard of Sake Bombing!

McGee: Yeah, I don't think I have either.

Tony: I work with a pair of wankers!

Gibbs: And you make three, DiNozzo!

Tony: And a very good morning to you boss!

Kate: (stuffed up) Morning!

Gibbs: Cold or flu?

Kate: Just plain cold, but don't worry. I promise to sneeze into my tissues! (to Tony) Unlike some people!

Tony: I have allergies, Kate!

Gibbs: Never had allergies. Never had a cold.

Kate: Never had a cold?

Gibbs: Nope. Never had the flu either.

Kate: (aside) Why do I believe that?

Tony: (sotto voce) If you were a bug, would you attack Gibbs? (Kate smirks)

McGee: I get colds all the time!

Tony: Sure you do, Probie!

McGee: (holds up a letter) This one is only addressed to Special Agent, NCIS.

Tony: (sees the lipstick mark on the envelope) I think that's mine!

McGee: (holds it out of Tony's reach) Huh? (sarcastically) How do you know?

Tony: (snatches it back) I recognise the lips and the scent!

Kate: (sarcastically) Gummy bears?

[Tony opens the SWAK letter, and a fine white powder billows into his face.]

Gibbs: (whistles to get everyone's attention) There has been a letter opened with a white powder. Use the back entrance, you all know the drill!

Kate: (calls to Tony) Tony! (throws a bottle of water at him and then calls security) Letter opened in Special Agent Gibbs's Office, dispersed a fine, white powder. Level Two evacuating!

Gibbs: McGee, you up on procedures?

McGee: Yeah. We shower, burn our clothes, get our blood tested, no one leaves the building unless...

Tony: (pouring water over his hair and face) Lucky me! I've won a free trip to Bethesda to be pricked like a pincushion!

Kate: (hears a clunking noise) They've shut down the air. (panicked for Tony's sake) Lets hit the showers, Tony!

Tony: I thought you'd never ask...! Sorry, boss!

[In the decontamination showers.]

Tony: Who would send me a letter with anthrax?

Kate: Pick a girl, Tony, any girl.

Tony: That's not funny, Kate.

Kate: Yeah, I know.

Tony: This is serious.

Kate: I know, Tony! I'm sorry.

Tony: At this very instant, someone is incinerating my Ermenegildo Zegna suit, my Armani tie, my Dolce & Gabbana shirt and my Gucci shoes!

McGee: You know, it might not be anthrax.

Tony: I like the sound of that, Probie!

McGee: It could be smallpox, bubonic plague, cholera...

Tony: Probie!

McGee: ...foot powder, face powder, talcum powder...

Tony: Honeydust!

McGee: "Honeydust"?

Tony: Honeydust. I give it to girls.

(Kate glares at him but she knows Tony can't see it, and he knows it.)

Tony: Women! Sorry, Kate. I give it to "women" at Christmastime. Very sensuous. You apply it with a feather.

Kate: (chuckles) You don't use the whole chicken?

McGee: I never heard of honeydust.

Kate: Yeah, that's because your mother raised you to respect women, McGee.

Gibbs: It makes a woman's skin feel silky smooth. When kissed, it tastes like honey.

(Everybody pokes their heads out of their showers and look in horror/amazement at Gibbs')

Gibbs: Got a box of Honeydust last Christmas. No card.

Tony: Ah... I think the post office screwed up, boss. Somebody else got your bottle of Jack and you got their...

Kate: Hey! Doesn't the post office irradiate our mail?

McGee: Yeah, that's right! All federal mail is funneled through the Ion Beam facility at Bridgeport, New Jersey. If it has DNA, it dies.

Tony: The diseases that you named, they-they have DNA?

McGee: They do.

Kate: Oh, you should have let him squirm.

Tony: Ha-ha! Then, it's no worries!

Gibbs: Unless the post office screwed up again.

[Gibbs slaps Tony]

Tony: If I get anthrax, how will you feel?

Gibbs: Not as bad as you, DiNozzo.

Tony: So, tell me doc. What have I got?

Dr. Pitt: [sighs] Pneumonic plague.

Tony: Plague? [chuckles] Plague...

Kate: That's right, Tony. Plague. 'Cause only you would go off and get a disease from the Dark Ages.

Tony: I didn't put plague in the letter.

Kate: [leaning in his face, yelling] You opened it!

Tony: Yeah. So I opened it. What are you so upset about? It's not like you're lying... [realizes]

Kate: Yeah. That's right, Travolta. I'm infected too.

Tony: [sincere] Oh Kate, I'm sorry.

Kate: Well, you're going to be sorrier.

Tony: [all serious] No. Don't tell me Gibbs got it.

Kate: [sits on her hip] Oh no, just us! But believe me when I say I am going to make your life... HELL!

Tony: How? You can't be any worse than plague! [Kate raises her eyebrows] Maybe you can. [to Nurse Emma] Maybe she can!

Kate: I'm warning you, DiNozzo...!

'[She turns around suddenly and sneezes loudly.]

Tony: And if I get that cold I'm gonna be very pissed!

[Gibbs and McGee are quarantined in Autopsy, and speaking to Abby in her lab via videophone.]

Gibbs: The SWAK doesn't mean our bitch can't be a bastard!

Abby: You're so right, Gibbs! I have this friend who is a transvestite and her lips could out-SWAK Angelina Jolie's. Remember McGee, you met her at my birthday party?

McGee: Oh, yeah. The low-cut red dress with the built-in plastic...

[Gibbs smacks McGee.]

Abby: I saw that!

Gibbs: Work, or you'll feel it!

Abby: Not while you're down there!

Gibbs: What?!

Tony: (lays on his bed clicking his fingers) Do you know who I feel like?

Kate: I'm afraid to ask!

Tony: Like the king of cool!

Kate: Elvis?

Tony: Elvis was the king of rock and roll, Travolta is the king of cool!

Kate: Well thanks for the clarification!

Tony: And do you know why I feel like Travolta?

Kate: I feel a movie coming on!

Tony: THE BOY IN THE PLASTIC BUBBLE! Travolta plays this boy born with an immune deficiancy...this was before AIDS! He lived in a giant plastic bubble!

Kate: Tony? (when she gets no answer she starts begging) Tony please! We're stuck here together. Can we just make a pact? Until we're out, I won't make fun of all the stupid things you say, and you won't tell me any more film scenarios. Deal?

Tony: Deal.

Kate: (sleepily) Thank you.

Tony: Emma?

Nurse Emma: Yes

Tony: You'll enjoy this...you look pretty without the mask by the way!

Nurse Emma: (rolls her eyes)

Tony: Ralph Bellamy played the doctor and now Ralph Bellamy was this big time actor who...

Kate: (pulls the pillow over her head in vain)

[Kate leaves the isolation chamber and bursts into tears.]

Ducky: [hugging her] You were brave to stay with him, Kate.

Kate: [sobbing quietly] He's dying, Ducky.

Gibbs: [walks past them] Oh, the hell he is.

[Gibbs enters the isolation chamber without a mask.]

Dr. Pitt: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Who the hell are you?

Gibbs: His boss. The bug has a suicide gene. It's dead. It's been dead for over an hour. He's no longer infectious. (whispers to a very ill Tony) Tony, listen to me. Are you listening?

Tony: (weakly) I'm listening. I'm listening, Boss.

Gibbs: (whispers) You will not die, you got that? (beat) I said, you will not die.

(Gibbs slaps Tony lightly on the forehead)

Tony: (whispers) Okay, I got you, Boss.

Gibbs: (whispers) Good. (Gibbs hands Tony his phone.) It's your new cell. I'd get the number changed. Women keep calling for Spanky.

[Gibbs and McGee are both wearing biohazard suits.]

Abby: You've gotta get a life, Gibbs.

Gibbs: The last thing I need is another wife!

Abby: [yelling] Life! You gotta get a life!

[Gibbs and McGee are both wearing biohazard suits.]

McGee: Boss, I can't call! They're not gonna be able to hear me!

[Gibbs grabs the front of his suit and glares.]

McGee: I'm gonna use the computer.

Abby: Gibbs, look who else doesn't have a life. Tony came back around midnight.

Gibbs: He does his best work at night.

Abby: (smirks) So he tells us. There's Tony leaving... that's Ben, the mail-boy. He didn't do it.

Gibbs: How do you know?

Abby: (shocked) He's a Vegan.

Gibbs: Hitler was a Vegan.

Abby: Hitler was a vegetarian, big difference! Vegans are so against cruelty they won't even use cosmetics tested on animals.

[examining the plague letter]

Abby: This is one smart bitch.

[Agent Yates enters wearing a slinky evening dress.]

Cassie: Wash your mouth with purple soap.

Abby: Cassie... wow! Are you suppressing drugs, or, um... selling them?

Cassie: Working under cover. Everything here is confiscated, even the La Perla underwear.

Abby: Nice.

Cassie: Gibbs, is that you playing Teletubbie? This the anthrax letter?

Abby: No it's not anthrax, it's plague.

Cassie: Thank god, Anthrax scares the hell outta me. May I?

Abby: Yeah.

Cassie: [looks] I know that return address. This is too easy, Gibbs. Paper that's traceable...

Gibbs: You know who sent it?

Cassie: No, but I know who they want us to think sent it.

McGee: Cassie!

Cassie: Hey, McGee. Mind if I sit in?

McGee: Yeah, yeah! Hey boss? Cassie and I had parking spaces next to each other in Norfolk!

Gibbs: Why are you yelling, McGee?

McGee: So you can hear me through your hel... [realizes Gibbs is no longer wearing his suit] Helmet?

Gibbs: The blood tests were negative.

McGee: [tears off his own suit] Sweet!

Gibbs: Not for DiNozzo.

McGee: ...Positive? Is he gonna be OK?

Gibbs: If he isn't, he'll be answering to me.

Twilight [2.23]

[Kate and McGee are waiting for Tony.]

Kate: You know he told all the girls downstairs you're gay, right? He said it would cut down on the competition.

McGee: ...That bastard!

Kate: Hold on to that feeling, and you're gonna be just fine.

McGee: You want to know what he said about you?

Kate: Hmm?

McGee: That you tried to sleep with him when you were in Paraguay.

Kate: ...I-will-kill-him.

[Gibbs brings Tony back to the office, who had been recovering from Yersinia Pestis - aka pneumonic plague, and is puzzled by Kate and McGee ignoring him]

Tony: [watches the team gear up for a call-out, still ignored, and disconcerted] Maybe I did die.

Gibbs: [stands next to him] You feel that?

Tony: [glances at Gibbs] What?

[Gibbs headslaps him as Tony winces and gives him a dumbfounded look]

Gibbs: [smiles] You're still alive. Welcome back, DiNozzo.

Kate: Damn it Tony, I should just take you home and just get you into bed...

[Ducky and Tony look at each other and then back to Kate]

Gibbs: Come on, DiNozzo. We've got problems - someone's trying to kill us again.

Tony:' [to a concerned Abby] I'm sure he didn't mean that.

[Later]

Tony: So someone really is trying to kill us?!

Gibbs: He's not looking for a terrorist cell. He's running it!

Gibbs: You get Fornell in here.

DiNozzo: What should I tell him?

Gibbs: Tell him he's about to make the second biggest mistake of his life!

[Later]

Fornell: My second biggest mistake, Jethro? That’s very dramatic. What was the first?

Gibbs: When you married my second wife.

Fornell: You could have warned me!

Gibbs: I did!

Fornell: [to Tony and Kate] In my defense, I thought he was exaggerating... he wasn't.

McGee: Is it me, or did he take the whole Ari situation really well?

Tony: That's because he's looking forward to it.

McGee: Looking forward to what?

Tony: To finally getting to kill him.

(Bert the hippo farts, followed by a questioning look from Tony)

Abby: He's supposed to make that noise.

Tony: You have a stuffed animal that farts?

Abby: Yeah, it's cool huh...

Tony: Yeah, in a disturbing way.

Gibbs: Protection detail's over, Kate.

Tony: You did good.

Gibbs: For once DiNozzo's right

Kate: [stands up] Wow, I thought I'd die before I ever heard...

[Suddenly, a single gunshot bullet emerges from nowhere, slicing through the air before hitting Kate in the forehead and she falls to the ground, dead. Her blood sprays onto DiNozzo's face, and Gibbs then begins looking for the shooter)

Ari Haswari: [on distant rooftop, coldly, looking up from his sniper rifle] Sorry, Caitlin...

[Camera then shows Kate lying on the rooftop, dead, her eyes wide open and a small pool of blood building up behind her. DiNozzo then looks at her for a second before glancing at the warehouse opposite them while also revealing that the right side of DiNozzo's own face is completely covered with blood. Gibbs follows DiNozzo's gaze]

Gibbs: Ari...

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NCIS (season 2)