CSI: Crime Scene Investigation (season 5)

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CSI: Crime Scene Investigation (2000–2015), usually referred to as CSI, is a dramatic television series about the Forensics Crime Lab in Las Vegas.

Viva Las Vegas [5.01] edit

Grissom: [about why the killer brought the Polaroid with him] Bring me the head of John the Baptist. Salome- wanted proof that he was dead. They didn't have Polaroids back then.

Brass: So you're saying our first victim was a hired killer. Hired by whom?

Greg: Whoever shot him?

Sara: [To herself in the mirror] So I had some time to think while I was away, enough time to figure out why I made such a stupid mistake, I...I do not have a drinking problem, I have a, uh...me problem. My PEAP counselor suggested it would be a good idea for me to talk to my supervisor and that's you, Grissom, so... I never told you about my family, I never told anyone about my family, why would I?...

Brass: Hey, Gil, there's something stuck to your shoe... Oh, it's just Sanders.

[Greg gives him a dry look]

Detective Cavalier: Electrocution. That's a quick way to go.

Warrick: Not always.

Al Robbins: The only other thing I found, was a swollen ankle.

Catherine Willows: Well, ever try shaking your ass in four-inch heels? (Robbins looks at her) Don't answer that.

Grissom: You committed a fatal error, Greg. You compromised evidence at a crime scene. A judgment like that can cost us a conviction. In order to solo in the field, you have to successfully complete three proficiencies.

Greg: I failed this one.

Grissom: Yeah. (Greg stands up, sighs and heads for the door) But...(Greg stops and turns around) Since you found a suitable replacement in the lab, I'm going to give you one more chance.

Greg: Thank you. Thank you.

Grissom: So, Greg, how do you explain adhesive and toilet bowl cleanser on the gun?

Greg: I don't know. I can tell you the toilets in the club had blue water.

Grissom: You inspected the toilet bowls for evidence?

Greg: Well, when you got to go, you got to go.

Hodges: Whew.

Grissom: At a crime scene, Greg?

Hodges: Everybody knows you hold it.

Grissom: You go across the street or next-door, somewhere other than the scene, until you've cleared the restroom. Did you clear the restroom?

Greg: No.

Grissom: Well, you could've flushed away evidence, wiped away fingerprints from the handle. Make sure you include this in your field notes.

Grissom: (to Greg while looking at a gun) What's this blue stuff on the slide and the grip? (Greg doesn't answer) It's okay to say you don't know, Greg. That's why we have a trace lab.

Chandra Moore: Warrick, right?

Warrick: Yeah.

Chandra Moore: I saw your presentation on longitudinal striations of the toenail in Dallas, A.A.F.S.? Really good work.

Warrick: Thank you. Thank you so much. And you are?

Chandra Moore: Oh, I'm Chandra. Chandra Moore. I'm the new DNA person.

Greg: Well, that's the plan anyway.

Greg: Nick! This is Chandra.

Chandra Moore: Chandra Moore.

Nick: Oh, yeah. Yeah, the new DNA girl. Right?

Chandra Moore: B.S. in bio-chem. M.S. in molecular biology. Five years of service in DNA at the CCL.

Nick: O-kay, well, I'm going to go use the no-pressure, no-AC, stinks-of-feet shower. So... welcome.

Greg: Grissom, I'd like to introduce you to Chandra Moore.

Chandra: Pleased to meet you sir, I'm a fan.

Grissom: Wow, you're hot.

Chandra: I'm... I'm sorry.

Grissom: You're eminating heat. This is a new infared camera. It's good for looking at evidence in the dark. (to Greg) Did you get her blood yet?

Chandra: My...why?

Grissom: So many reasons.

Catherine: (walking towards Grissom angry) Grissom? You can't possibly call that thing my office it's a cupboard.

Grissom: Catherine, I'd like you to meet Chandra Moore. She'll be doing DNA when Greg's in the field.

Catherine: Hello, I'm Catherine. (she turns right back to Grissom without giving Chandra a chance to introduce herself) We need to talk.

Grissom: Well, not now... too much work.

Alien Wedding Guy: Are you two married?

Sara: (quicky) No.

Alien Wedding Guy: No? Well we're open 24 hours. There's a toll free number right on the back. (to Nick) She's gonna getcha. (Nick chuckles)

(At a crime scene which is a night club)

Greg: I've never seen this place with the lights on before. Kinda like seeing a one night stand for the first time in the morning. (Grissom gives him a look) Beer goggles.

Catherine: Greg mentioned to you that my stuff gets done first, right?

Chandra: Yeah, well, in my lab, I decide what gets run and when. Unless Mr. Grissom tells me otherwise.

Brass: So witnesses heard multiple gunshots, they think. Because it was during the blitz. You know the lights were out; sirens were going off, search lights, the whole World War II experience.

Grissom: When exactly did war became a party?

Catherine: Why is it you guys can never hit the bowl?

Detective Vartann: You know if this guy took viagra, you're lucky he hit the floor and not the ceiling.

(Examining corpse found in the desert near Area 51 and David really thinks it could be an alien)

Sara: David, I think I know where he's from! Planet Seiko... (shows watch to Nick) E.T.

Nick: Oh, you gotta be kidding me.

Greg: How was it?

Warrick: Sucked. I hate lawyers. I hate court; they all need to dry up and die.

Greg: So there's good news and bad news. Good news is, this is the busiest lab in the country. Bad news is, this is the busiest lab in the country.

Chandra: That's why I'm here.

Greg: I waited for you forever. I love you!

Down the Drain [5.02] edit

Sara: I don't have a death wish and I'm not a drunk. In case you were worried.

Grissom: I'm not worried. I'm concerned.

Sara: Isn't that kind of the same thing?

Warrick: Alright then, lets head upstream.

Catherine: I knew you were going to say that.

Brass: Well, the kid gets murder, mom's an accessory, and dad gets felony explosives. It's a family-value pack.

Grissom: If you're gonna be sick, Greg, do it in the sink.

Doc Robbins: Not in the drain pan.

Greg: I don't feel sick.

Greg: What are you doing?

Grissom: Good you're here. (throws a cup at him) Fill this up for me will ya?

Greg: With what?

Grissom: It's a urine specimen cup, Greg. What do ya think?

Greg: (scoffs) Okay.

(A little later Greg comes back with the cup filled)

Grissom: That took a long time. You may need a prostate exam.

Greg: My prostate is just fine. I'm not a soda fountain.

Grissom: Well, hopefully you are, 'cause I need a number two as quickly as possible.

Greg: What is this all about?

Grissom: The victims body was found in the sewer. Ambient temperature 80 degrees. The corrosive chemicals caused the body to decompose faster than normal. And I wanna find out how much faster. Today.

Greg: This is some kind of CSI hazing. Make me appreciate blood and semen more.

Sara: I heard you finally lost your virginity. (Greg gives her a look and Sara smiles) First autopsy, how was it?

Greg: It was fine. How was your first time? How'd you react?

Sara: I puked.

Greg: I didn't puke.

Sara: Way to go, tough guy.

Catherine: Did I ever tell you the city paid me a dollar a square foot to rip out my lawn and replace it with rocks? Because we were in a drought.

Warrick: Are you kiddin' me?

Catherine: No.

Warrick: This city was not made for rain.

(About the victim in the drain)

Grissom: Well, at least we know where he came from. (shines his flashlight down the sewer)

Catherine: Aren't we going to at least draw straws?

Grissom: No.

Mr. Durbin: Sons of bitches! I'm gonna sue your ass into the ground. I hope you know that. Yeah. I'm gonna own you. I'm gonna own this whole place. In fact, maybe that's where I'll live. I'm just gonna move in here.

Catherine: Let me guess, he lawyered up?

Brass: Yeah. He stopped talking right after I told him we blew up his house.

Rick Dysart: (to Grissom after sweeping the garage for bombs) Only one thing you need to worry about: If you see me running, make sure you keep up.

Harvest [5.03] edit

Greg: Just hedging my bets.

Warrick: How so?

Greg: Well, I need field experience, but before I get that, I need to find a replacement. So far, I'm oh-for-one. Plus, she's hot and thinks you're a tool, so I'm way ahead.

Doc Robbins: Childhood keeps getting shorter and shorter... you know why that is?

Catherine (sobbing): I actually don't know!

Marlon: Listen... I'm, uh... I'm sick. You know, I got this-this, this illness, which... look. I don't want to go back to prison. That's why I'm being so compliant. Now, yo, I don't work near no little kids. I stay a hundred yards from the school grounds. Man, I don't even go to the park.

Grissom: It's not a disease. It's a compulsion.

Marlon: I stay away from youth organizations, after-school programs, churches...

Grissom: We found a pair of boy's underwear in your bedroom. Explain that.

Marlon: I look at the photos. I look at the photos and I have the briefs for, um... release.

Grissom: So you fantasize, and eventually, the fantasy's not enough and you relapse.

Marlon: Hey, they're mine. I bought the underwear!

Grissom: Well, if that's true, then you were in a store where little children were shopping with their mothers.

Marlon: And what would you have me do, huh, man? What?! I mean, I even thought about chemical castration.

Grissom: Medroxyprogesterone is inconclusive. It renders the subject incapable of erection, but it doesn't remove the drive. You would still be capable of sexual assault using other objects.

Marlon: Listen... um, I haven't done anything, uh, illegal, so you can't hold me in here forever. Oh, is that killing look in your eyes a compulsion, Mr. Grissom?

Warrick (looking at the map of registered sex offenders): Phew! That's a lot of perverts.

Nick: Get out of jail, come to Vegas.

Grissom: Nick. You failed your firearm qualifications. You can't be here.

Nick: Oh yeah, well, I'm takin' it again, day after tomorrow. So I figured I could work.

Grissom: Not in the field.

Nick: You're serious?

Grissom: You're in violation just carrying a weapon.

Sara: This counts as field work, you know.

Greg: Oh, I'm smiling on the inside.

Sara: Dirty laundry or garbage? (before Greg can answer) You know what? You take garbage.

Greg: Thanks.

Catherine (to Lindsey): Mouthing off to teachers, slipping grades, and now hitchhiking. I mean what's next Lindsey?

Lindsey (muttering): Stripping.

Catherine: What did you just say? Okay, no phone, no friends, no nothing.

Lindsey: For how long?

Catherine: A month.

Lindsey: Whatever.

Catherine: Hey, you want to make it two?

Lindsey: Dad always said you were a drama queen.

Catherine: Well, what do you expect, Lindsey, since he was always high.

Lindsey: I'd take Dad high over you any day! Nana's coming to pick me up. I'll be out front.

Catherine: Have you been to bed?

Grissom: Yes.

Catherine: Did you sleep? (pauses) Me neither. She was the same age as Lindsey. She was trying to hitchhike.

Grissom: Where was she going?

Catherine: Fremont Street.

Grissom: Was she buying drugs?

Catherine: No! She's twelve. She's... just so angry. She doesn't talk to me.

Grissom: Well, if enough people knew what was out there hunting them, they'd never leave their house. I think you need to sit her down.

Catherine: Well, I don't want to scare her. I don't want my daughter to be this... frightened, paranoid kid who's always looking over her shoulder.

Grissom: Catherine, there's a big difference between scaring her and preparing her. And all the reasons why you should are in that room. (Catherine contemplates this)

Daniel (to Grissom): I didn't realize until... today... how lucky I am. I know pretty much... how and when I'm gonna die. Most people don't. It's what they're afraid of.

Grissom: Was your sister afraid?

Daniel: Never. I'm 11 years older than her, and she took care of me. She was my best friend, and I miss her. As much pain as...I caused her... and she wouldn't give up, and she...she wouldn't let me, either. That's why...during the last relapse, I made my parents swear that it was the very last time.

Grissom: But then your kidneys failed, and they broke their word, huh?

Daniel: They told me they... swore not to fight the cancer, so this didn't count. I wasn't gonna lose this fight. I couldn't watch her suffer anymore.

Grissom: This wasn't a mercy killing, Daniel. This was an execution. Bone marrow, transfusions...that's her blood in your veins. It dripped out of your nose onto the blanket while you were killing her. If you cared so much for Alicia, why didn't you take your own life instead of hers?

Daniel: Suicide isn't an option. It's an unforgivable sin in the eyes of God.

Grissom: But you believe that your god forgives murder? If that's your defense, it won't keep you out of jail.

Daniel (crying): But my death will. See, I've got about six more months. I'll be dead before there's even a trial. I-I do want to thank you, though.

Grissom: For what?

Daniel: For speaking for Alicia. You're probably the first person in her life to think only of her. You know, you may not believe in God, sir, but you do his work.

Greg (to Mia): So would you like to grab a bite later? I know a diner down the street that serves a mean liver and onions.

Mia: I don't eat out.

Greg: Never ever?

Mia: I don't like expectorant.

Greg: Really?

Mia: Kitchen staff talk while they prepare your food and then the wait staff repeats your order over the plate, and by the time you get your meal, there are several DNA samples coating it.

Greg: Wow.

Mia: Yeah. No, thank you. I don't eat birthday cake either.

Greg: Oh, blowing out the candles.

Mia: Ugh. Don't get me started.

Greg: Mia Dickerson, Warrick Brown.

Warrick: Welcome.

Mia: Look, I already know you have a running bet with another CSI over how long the new hire lasts, so let's skip it. You got something for DNA?

Warrick (to Nick): How'd you shoot, man?

Nick: Rusty. They say I have a flinch.

Warrick: You and I need to go practice some, huh?

Nick: Yeah, when do we have time to do that? If we're not processing a scene or working evidence, we're in court.

Warrick: Well, when they take your piece, you'll make time.

Grissom: Did you injure yourself, Mrs. Perez? (Mrs. Perez looks down at a bloodstain on her shirt)

Mrs. Perez: Oh, a nosebleed.

Grissom: That's a lot of blood. I'm going to need to take your shirt.

Mr. Perez: Why?

Grissom: If you like, I can have someone follow you home so that you can change.

Mrs. Perez: You think we had something to do with it? Our daughter is missing. She's out there somewhere alone and scared. What are you doing about that?

Grissom: I'm just collecting evidence.

Mrs. Perez: Fine. Here! (she removes her shirt and throws it at Grissom) Take it! Go find her!

Store Clerk: [to Brass as he carries a box of drinks] Look, dude, I didn't see it. [puts the box down on the side] Chica had a nice, round ass and that's what I was scoping.

Brass: What time was that?

Store Clerk: About 3:00. She comes in, grabs some candy, looks outside, waves at somebody. The next thing I know, she flips her wig. She's screaming about her sister. I didn't see the girl or a car. Besides, there's a lot of traffic out there.

Brass: Was it busy?

Store Clerk: Kind of.

Brass: How many surveillance cameras do you have in here?

Store Clerk: Inside we got five. They're all state-of-the-art. Place gets hit a lot. Outside they're all dummies.

Brass: Well, I'm glad to see you're so concerned about your customers after they leave the store.

Grissom (to Doc Robbins): Alicia's cause of death?

Doc Robbins: Cardiopulmonary arrest.

Grissom: Time of death?

Doc Robbins: That's a little trickier. No solids in the stomach contents, just a milky liquid. Liver mortis was fixed and deep purple with a vitreous humor potassium level of 20 millimoles per liter with faint putrefaction. So, I'd say she's been dead about... 44 hours between midnight and 8:00 A.M., the day of her kidnapping.

Grissom: Which means April Perez was lying about the abduction.

Doc Robbins: Yep. Story's got more holes than her sister's bones.

Brass: [to April Perez] I bought it. The hell we all bought it, but your sister was already dead when you raised that alarm. Her body told us that. There was no sexual assault. The evidence told us that, too. So you didn't think this through, sweetheart. So what are we left with? A false police report and a murdered little girl. So it's 1 to 4 for the Amber Alert. And for your sister, life imprisonment if it's an accident, and the needle if it's not.

April Perez: I didn't kill Alicia.

Brass: But you know, I get it. I get the picture. I mean, your brother's the center of attention. He's sick, he's dying. Your cells don't match. Your parents have Alicia. She's his savior. So, where do you fit in? What are you to this family?

April Perez: I'm invisible.

Brass: But not anymore you're not. She's dead, and your brother's sick. When he goes...

April Perez: That's crazy, okay. I told you, I didn't kill my sister.

Brass: I want to believe that. Come on. Help me to believe that. It just means you were in on it because you put on one hell of a show. You still using?

April Perez: No.

Brass: Maybe we should run your blood just to be sure, huh?

April Perez: I use now and then to take the edge off.

Brass: So how do you pay for this habit? Are you pimping your sister for drugs, April?

April Perez: Why don't you make up your mind? No signs of rape. If I was selling my sister, there would be, wouldn't there?

Brass: Depends on who you sold her to. You're not gonna talk your way out of this one. You need to get clean.

April Perez: What I need is a lawyer, which means this conversation is over.

Sybil Perez: [to Catherine about Alicia] You have no idea what it's like.

Catherine: I saw her medical records. I looked at her x-rays. I know what that little girl suffered, what you put her through.

Sybil Perez: So you would let your child die and do nothing. Never. No, you'd talk to doctors and research. And then you'd find out that the National Bone Marrow Registry can't help you 'cause your son is mixed race. And even if he wasn't, there aren't enough donors. Out of four million, only 205,000 are Latino. I did what I had to do.

Catherine: You put one child over another.

Sybil Perez: [scoffs] I don't expect you to understand. You don't have kids.

Catherine: Uh, I have a daughter.

Sybil Perez: So, what kind of mother are you? When do you see her? You work nights. You probably don't even know where she half the time. Alicia's life may not have been simple, but at least I knew her. Can you say the same?

Sara: [sees two pill bottles] Daniel Perez is taking oxycodone for pain, and Alicia was on diazepam.

Warrick: Diazepam? That's a pretty hard-core antidepressant for a kid that small.

Sara: I guess they didn't want her complaining while they were mining her body for healthy cells.

Brass: [to Carlos Perez] Wasn't Alicia part of your family? You're her father, you dumb bastard! You're supposed to protect her. What kind of man are you?

Carlos Perez: Guilty.

Crow's Feet [5.04] edit

Doc Robbins: I found ten cc's of urine in her stomach. Digestive system is intact and I found no bruises or abrasions in her mouth. So there's only one way it could've gotten there.

Catherine: Chug-a-lug.

Swap Meet [5.05] edit

Hodges: (to Greg) Good thing you didn't need to take a spelling test to work the field, funtain water!

Greg: My people are Norwegian, that's how we spell it.

Hodges: (sighs)

Greg: So was the funtain water in her lungs?

Mia: Nine vibrators, five plugs and four strands of beads.

Greg: And a partridge in a pear tree. Some kids are happy playing in the sandbox, others want every toy in the store. And apparently these are dishwasher safe.

Mia: I'll swab the nooks and crannies for semen and vaginal secretions and epthelials, but don't get your hopes up.

Greg: Oh, my money's on bag number two.

Mia: Twenty-six used condoms.

Greg: Just like being back in college, right?

Mia: Sara said you didn't lose your virginity until you were twenty-two.

Greg [Ignoring her]: Grissom and I figured that they practiced safe sex so we checked their trash. Check them inside and out, please.

Mia: I've analyzed condoms before, Greg. Just not in bulk.

What's Eating Gilbert Grissom? [5.06] edit

Catherine: (to Greg) What's with the tape?

Greg: The evidence wasn't co-operating so I stuck it to 'em.

Warrick: Griss, this place is crawling with press. They want a statement.

Grissom: Not now.

Warrick: Well, if you don't say anything, they're just going to fill in the blanks...

Grissom: Screw the press, 'cause for all I know, the dead body is an auto mechanic who just painted his house blue.

Formalities [5.07] edit

Catherine: What are you doing?

Grissom: I'm going insane, I don't understand this diagram!

Catherine: (sighs) You don't need a diagram, you need a woman. (Ties Grissom's bow tie) Looking forward to your speech.

Catherine: I thought you were going to process the scene with Grissom.

Nick: I was. He said he had it covered. Sofia Curtis is up there with him.

Catherine: Right... Ecklie's right hand.

Nick: Hmm?

Catherine: Ever do a case with her?

Nick: Uh-uh. Hey, I heard Grissom stuck you with his speech.

Catherine: A napkin is not a speech.

[Catherine comes in to talk to Greg, who's been reviewing video surveillance tapes for about 8 hours]

Catherine: Tell me something.

Greg: I think my eyes need band-aids.

Ch-Ch-Changes [5.08] edit

Grissom: I thought you'd want to know what happened to Wendy.

Mimosa: I appreciate your telling me. Killed by someone in our own community. As if we don't have enough enemies. Her parents never understood her, but still I think they should know. What do I say?

Grissom: Show them an oyster.

Mimosa: I'm sorry?

Grissom: There are two types of male oysters, and one of them can change genders at will. And before man crawled out of the muck, maybe he had the same option. Maybe originally we were supposed to be able to switch genders, and being born with just one sex... is a mutation.

Nick: I've never seen junkies shoot up in the face before.

Woman: It's not smack, it's silicone. Gives you good cheek bones.

Mercedes: The ones who can't buy silicone... shoot motor oil.

Nick: Do they?

Mercedes: Calm down, pretty boy. We're not the monsters. The real freaks are the suit-and-ties want to take a walk on the wild side, before sneaking back to the wife and kids. Want to go?

Nick (shakes his head): Mm-mm.

Brass: Lepidro. What kind of name is that?

Grissom: It's from Lepidoptera, meaning "butterfly." Walter Clancy started out a gender-dysmorphic caterpillar and turned into a bloody butterfly.

Brass: Love hurts.

Brass: Hey, I uh talked to the manager. All he said was the renter paid cash and the guy; he seemed pretty normal.

Catherine: Normal people don't torture people in storage bins.

Grissom: Did you see any transexuals when you danced?

Catherine: Gil, only civilians confuse strippers and showgirls. You can't cheat the full monty.

Catherine: Women in convertibles are low-hanging fruit.

Grissom: And it was a top-down night.

Robbins: Piano wires. They're used to mobilize the lower part of the abdominal skin and anchor the neo-vagina, so it can heal in place.

Catherine: I can only imagine those cramps.

Robbins: The surgeon stuffs the portal with a cylinder wrapped in gauze to hold its shape while it heals, and sutures it.

Catherine: And how long does milady have to wear a wire?

Robbins: Well, after five days, the vagina is un-sutured, and the wires are removed.

Grissom: Aborigines say they dance naked to make the gods happy.

Catherine: The gods would be happy in Vegas.

Mimosa: (to Grissom) I'm glad you agreed to meet me, can I buy you a drink?

Grissom: Thanks, but I'm still on the clock.

Mimosa: But you still let me lure you away from the lab. Is that because I'm a beautiful woman? Well, I'm a beautiful woman now.

Grissom: Beauty's a societal construction.

Mimosa: So is gender, people find out you're empty half and they think you're psycho, Michael Caine with a bad wig and a pair of sunglasses stabbing Angie Dickinson and dressed to kill.

Mea Culpa [5.09] edit

Catherine: Are you doing all this for the sake of the lab or to indict Grissom?

Ecklie: Catherine, there a number of talented CSIs, like yourself, who have put in to be supervisors. I just want to make sure the right people are in the right place.

Catherine: About my request, I really would like to supervise days.

Ecklie: Right. You're a single mother. Better hours. And I bet you could use the extra cash.

Catherine: No, this promotion isn't about money.

Ecklie: Must be nice to be independently wealthy.

Catherine: We're done here, right?

Ecklie: Yeah.

No Humans Involved [5.10] edit

Grissom: (to Greg after a shooting at the crime scene) You okay?

Greg: No, I'm not okay! Who the hell's shooting at us?

Grissom: I don't know, but I think our single just turned into a triple.

Catherine: Taking your pet for a walk?

Grissom: I know how much you like my little fetal pig, so I'm giving him to you as an office-warming gift.

Catherine: That is so thoughtful. Now tell me why you really stopped by. You checking up on me?

Grissom: No.

Catherine: What've you heard? Who talked to you?

Grissom: See? You've only been on the job a week and you're already paranoid.

Catherine: [laughs] When I was your right hand and your left, I always knew if it hit the fan, you'd be the one to get dirty.

Grissom: Hey, that's the job.

Catherine: Yeah, that's the job. Did you ever play politics?

Grissom: I once ran for president of science club in junior high. Mary Hardy beat me out by one vote.

Catherine: I'm going to guess that you didn't vote for yourself.

Grissom: I'm not any good at politics. It cost me, that's how I lost Nick and Warrick.

Catherine: Your loss, my gain.

Grissom: Yeah, and at least I know that they're in good hands.

Who Shot Sherlock [5.11] edit

Grissom: Deerstalker cap, violin, Meerschaum pipe, even a Persian slipper with tobacco stuffed in the toe, I imagine. All in all, meticulous recreation of 221-B Baker Street: residence of the world's greatest detective, Sherlock Holmes.

Brass: Also known as Dennis Kingsley, delivery guy. What do you think?

Grissom: Ask Greg. It's his case. It's his final proficiency test. Emphasis in the "final".

Brass: Okay, Dr. Watson, run it.

Greg: So, are you going to say, "the game's afoot"?

Grissom: I didn't know you were a Conan Doyle fan, Greg.

Greg: I'm not. I saw a Sherlock Homes movie once by mistake.

Grissom: Well just so you know, those movies never ended like this.

Josh Frost: So you actually think this is something other than suicide?

Brass: You know, I think you ought to drop the accent.

Josh Frost: I can't. I'm English.

Brass: Oh.

Brass: Why the elaborate frame-up of Watson? He had as much to lose as you.

Kay Marquette: Because he's the one that told Denny to give it all up and go back to his family. Because he's the one that wanted to be Sherlock Holmes, because he didn't care what it was doing to me. You see, Detective... [switching to a British accent] Denny would have wanted his murder to be the perfect puzzle. A mystery worthy of the master.

Snakes [5.12] edit

[looking at a university degree on the deceased's wall]

Catherine: Gang-banger girlfriend with a degree?

Nick: Sounds like a rock band.

(Warricks gets his cell phone and dials)

Brass: Detective Jim Brass.

Warrick: Congratulations Jim Brass, you are guaranteed one of these five amazing awards!

Brass: Warrick?

Warrick: A trip to London, a brand new Caddy, tennis bracelet, plasma TV, water purification system, you finally did it Jim, just send NZA a cheque for $300 and claim your prize.

Nesting Dolls [5.13] edit

Grissom: (After breaking part of Catherine's evidence) Huh, oh boy, I've got to get my shift started. Good luck with the case.

Catherine: No, no, no, you're not just going to destroy the skull and split.

Grissom: You can make a nice mold from the impression.

Catherine: I'm shorthanded as it is.

Grissom: I think Sara just wrapped a case, if you need her she's yours.

[Greg is wearing a suit and tie and attempting to flatten out his hair for court]

Sara: Wow. Look at you, Mr. Straightedge. I did not know that your hair could do that.

Greg: I look like a dork.

Sara: No, no, no. You look like a pro, which is what you are.

Unbearable [5.14] edit

Hodges: And unlike some of the men in this lab whose initials are Greg Sanders she probably washes her hands.

Greg: I don't mean to pry, but do you want to talk about what happened between you and Ecklie?

Sara: Not really.

Greg: I don't know if you noticed about me, but I'm a good listener.

Sara: I blew up at Ecklie, it was very unprofessional, and very satisfying, and now we're moving on. Thanks for asking.

Grissom: Hey, the rich are just as deviant as the poor.

King Baby [5.15] edit

Grissom: Question. You come home, see your husband lying in the driveway, what do you do?

Greg: Is that a trick question?

Sara: Stop, jump out, run over to him.

Grissom: Or, take the time to pull into the garage and park and lock your car.

Ecklie: Catherine, look it's not that we don't have confidence in you.

Catherine: I smell crap.

Ecklie: What?

Catherine: Don't take another step. (shines torch around and sees feces). Joe?

Joe: Yeah.

Catherine: The Eiger's have any pets?

Joe: No kids, no pets.

Ecklie: When Eiger was looking into buying The Queen Regent Casino out from under Sy Magli the gaming commission turned him down, so he invited some of the commissioners over to his mansion for a party, a week later he had his gaming and his liquor licences. Must've been a hell of a party.

Grissom: Well, if The Wizard of Oz had nude pictures of the Wicked Witch, Dorothy would never had lost her slippers.

Greg: Brass subpoenaed Eiger's home phone calls in the last year.

Ecklie: Yeah, anything interesting?

Greg: Numerous calls from Eiger's house to Sy Magli's office.

Ecklie: Well, they were known business rivals.

Greg: Between midnight and 4 a.m., what I like to call: "Love Hours".

Grissom: Wouldn't be the first time that hate mutated into passion.

Greg: Public enemies, private lovers. So Jackie Collins.

Big Middle [5.16] edit

Nick: (After seeing several notes in a beaver dam) Las Vegas, where even a beaver can strike it rich.

Detective Vartann: Hogs and Heffers convention. Maurice wasn't fat, what was he doing here?

Grissom: Maybe he used to be.

Greg: Or maybe he was a chubby chaser. (Grissom gives him a surprised look). Some men like curves.

Detective Vartann: There's curves, and there's rolls.

(Sara enters a room full of fat people)

McCaff: Walk softly, don't start a stampede.

Sara: I'm going to remember you said that McCaff, especially after these ladies sue you and the police for discrimination, you genius. Could you clear the halls for me please?

Greg: That means she slept with a dead guy. She's not only a killer she's a necrophiliac. That's what I call enjoying your work.

[They review the tape some more]

Sara: She's trashed. Maybe she passed out.

Greg: How drunk do you have to be to sleep next to a decomposing body? The smell alone is an alarm clock.

Sara: Not next to him, on top of him.

Compulsion [5.17] edit

[About a wad of hair found in a drain. Hodges thinks it smells woodsy]

Grissom: You sniffed it?

Hodges: That disgust you?

Grissom: No. Actually it's the first thing you've ever done to impress me.

Spark of Life [5.18] edit

Sofia: What's the problem?

Greg: Nothing. I'm fine.

Sofia: You're not.

Greg: I feel like a wuss. Grissom told me I should take a break, and I did.

Sofia: Your burn victim.

Greg: [nods] How do you get an image like that out of your mind?

Sofia: You go home. You, uh... hug your cat, your dog, your pillow. You have a beer, you watch a movie, and then you come back tomorrow.

Greg: Is that supposed to make me feel better?

Sofia: Rumor has it you used to be a pretty funny guy. Don't lose that.

(Hodges looks at Mia and sighs)

Catherine: It's hard to look and not touch isn't it?

Hodges: That poor kids has been working her tail off, only fair considering how DNA gets most of the glory these days.

4x4 [5.19] edit

Officer: The best taco I've ever had.

Grissom: I'm happy for you both.

Brass: What, you'd piss of Ecklie again? This is a hit-and-run, I was expecting Greg Sanders.

Greg: Sara, I just want you to know when we were in the shower, I didn't see anything.

Sara: Really? Gosh, I saw everything.

Brass: Let me get this straight, Larry. An old man refuses to let you steal his money, so you jack a Hummer and try to run over his taco stand?

Larry: [Embarrassed] Maybe.

Grissom: I think this is the dumbest thing we've ever heard.

Gwen: Donny.

Donny: You're late, and you're not dressed, what's the deal girl?

Gwen: Please Donny, I've just had the worst morning.

Donny: Oh, you think you had it bad? Poor Chris is dead.

Hodges: How old were you when you first got drunk?

Nick: Oh, 16.. 17..

Hodges: Amortized over a generation, 12's about right?

Nick: So you're saying two generations from now, four-year-olds are just gonna be getting trashed?

Hodges: Pre-school graduation parties are going to be off the hook.

Hollywood Brass [5.20] edit

Brass: We need to get a warrant, get into that house.

Annie: Yeah, well we don't have enough.

Brass: Enough for a city attorney?

Annie: You know give me a break. Do you know how many cars get jacked in LA every day? He admitted to being with the prostitute, what makes you think he's not telling the truth about the rest?

Brass: He's hinky, I can feel it.

Annie: Your gut can talk to my judge. Better yet, talk to Ellie. You should, you should get the 411 on Dakota from her.

Brass: There's an unreliable witness. So what do we do now?

Annie: We eat steak.

Annie: L.A. over 200 criminalists and you gotta bring your own guy in?

Brass: Well, Rick is like a vampire, he needs to be invited in.

Annie: If this goes to court, Warrick's going to have to come back and testify.

Warrick: Well, you got beaches, bikinis. Free trip to L.A. ? I'm down.

Brass: Hey Doc, did you get my fax?

Al Robbins: Yeah I did.

Brass: Yeah, well, it's all Greek to me. Can you help me out?

Al Robbins: Sure, of course, but I thought you were asked to come home.

Brass: I'll be home tomorrow.

Al Robbins: Well, I hope she was worth it.

Brass: What do you mean?

Al Robbins: Well I don't know, you put your career on the line, I assume there's a woman involved.

Brass: What are you a detective now?

Committed [5.21] edit

Grissom: Jail or no jail, she won't last six months. She'll die without her son.

Sara: That would be better for both of them.

Robbins: It reminded me of that scene of Jaws when Dreyfuss cuts open the sharks stomach and all kinds of stuff came out.

Grissom: You found a license plate?

Robbins (shares stomach findings with Grissom): Highlights include band-aids, wood chips, hair and half a snapshot.

Grissom: Pica?

Robbins: Boo?

Grissom: Pica is a compulsion to eat non-nutritive food items. It's from the Latin word for magpie, a bird with a large and indiscriminate appetite.

Sara: When my father died, my mother came to a place like this for a while for evaluation. It looked the same, it smelled the same. It smelled like lies.

Grissom: You sure you're okay?

Sara: Crazy people do make me feel crazy.

Grissom: If you want, I can have somebody take your place.

Sara: I appreciate that. I do, I really do, but ... I kind of made a decision to move beyond that and... I really want to finish this case.

Joanne McKay: We have rules for a reason. You people come in here disrupting things. You're unsafe. This is your fault.

Grissom: Really?

Hodges: Would you ever bleach your hair? (Sara looks up from the microscope) I wouldn't, it's so Greg Sanders.

Weeping Willows [5.22] edit

Grissom: Did you hear the one about the cop and the monkey who walk into a bar?

Catherine: I'm not in the mood.

Grissom: Neither was the monkey.

Iced [5.23] edit

Grissom: And this must be Mr. Billmeyer. I'm so glad he's back.

Ecklie: Very funny.

Grissom: You might want to have Hodges analyze that cigar. Oh, and the print tech is free. He could, uh, spray the party hat with ninhydrin.

Ecklie: I think I remember how to do my job, Gil, thank you.

Grissom: I love it when you wear your gloves.

Greg: Spontaneous toilet combustion?

Sara (laughs): Or a college prank.

Warrick (looking at the body in the crop circle): The guy has a blindfold on.

Catherine: Pin the tail on the donkey gone wrong?

Sara (about the exploding toilet): Well, there's got to be some logical explanation.

Greg: Well, if dorm food is as bad as I can remember, we should consider explosive diarrhea.

Greg: Hey Grissom, when you went to college did you live in the dorms?

Grissom: Surely, you jest.

Sara (laughs): You know they say a B.A. is worth a million dollars of extra income over your life.

Grissom: Yeah, but the present value of college tuition is about the same amount.

Greg: So you're saying college isn't worth the expense?

Grissom: I guess it depends on what you learn.

Sara: Music, alcohol, candles. Kid was a regular Romeo.

Grissom: For never was a story of more woe than this of Juliet and her Romeo.

Greg: Condom wrapper. (Sara looks at him)

Grissom: So much for safe sex.

Catherine (to Warrick): I thought you said you were a dork in high school.

Warrick: I was a dork... I still am a dork. But I had dimples. I got a little action.

Catherine: I don't doubt that.

Greg (after finding semen on the doorknob): Trophy condoms.

Sara: Trophy condoms?

Greg: When a stud scores, he hangs his condom on his neighbor's doorknob.

Sara: Hey doc.

Al Robbins: Two dead bodies, both were in perfect health.

Sara: I am so hoping you have more in the report than that.

Al Robbins: Well there are two toxins that can turn a body pink post mortem.

Sara: We already ruled out carbon monoxide.

Al Robbins: Which leaves one, cyanide ingestion. Interesting fact about cyanide, not all everyone can smell it.

Sara: Right, it's a genetic quirk.

Al Robbins: Unfortunately, I don't have that ability.

Hodges: The nose has arrived.

Mia: Hey. Want to talk about semen?

Sara: Okay. (Mia hands Sara the file) Okey-dokey.

Mia: The semen on the vic's doorknob and the neighbor's doorknob is consistent with Trip's DNA. So, I'm thinking that Trip put a trophy condom on his neighbor's door and then transferred a trace of his reproductive material back onto his own doorknob.

Sara: You've uh, you've heard of trophy condoms?

Mia (chuckles): Sara, I went to college.

Catherine (about the victim): The only pathway is from the paramedics. How'd he end up in the middle of the circle? (David looks up at the sky)

David: I have an idea. (Warrick looks up) I'll keep it to myself.

Grave Danger [5.24] edit

Nick: What's going on out here?

Police officer: Well, an anonymous 911 caller reported body parts in this area. I rolled, and found this. [Shines flashlight on a pile of intestines]

Nick: Mmm, tasty.

Brass: I;m going to get right to it, because time is of the essence here. Where'd you get that package bud?

Delivery Man's Attorney: I'd like to advise my client, careful how you answer that son, this man here's slicker than a snake in the green grass.

Walter Gordon: You know, I was under the impression that it was against departmental policy to negotiate with terrorists.

Grissom: Are you a terrorist?

Walter Gordon: Depends. [Shines flashlight in Grissom's face] Are you terrified?

Grissom: Look, I really don't want to talk to you. Where is my guy?

Walter Gordon: Oh, so he's "your guy", huh?

Grissom: Yes, he is. Where is he buried?

Walter Gordon: Are you two close?

Grissom: That's none of your business.

Walter Gordon: What does "Nick Stokes" mean to you? How do you feel when you see him in that coffin? Does your soul die every time you push that button? How do you feel knowing that there's nothing you can do to get him out of that hell? Helpless? Useless? Impotent?

[Grissom is silent]

Walter Gordon: Good. Welcome to my world. [Opens jacket, revealing Semtex strapped around him] Uh, if I were you, I'd back up a little.

[Grissom takes a step back]

[Gordon blows himself up]