CSI: Crime Scene Investigation (season 8)

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CSI: Crime Scene Investigation (2000–2012), usually referred to as CSI, is a dramatic television series about the Forensics Crime Lab in Las Vegas.

Dead Doll [8.1]

Sara: Natalie. Natalie Davis. I know who you are. I know a lot about you. You make miniatures. I've seen you before, right? You work in the lab, on the cleaning crew. So sorry about hitting you back there. I guess, uh, I have a fear of trunks. In my business, you only find one thing in them. We actually have a lot in common, you know. I was a foster kid, too. Happy happy, joy joy. I do know what it's like to be alone, afraid that nobody's ever going to be there for you.

Natalie: [whispering] Ernie was.

Sara: Yes, he was. That's true, Natalie. I lost my father too. I know that Ernie loved you. He would not have wanted you to do this.

Natalie: [whispering] Ernie loved me more than Grissom could ever love you.

Sara: Grissom? I know what this is about. Natalie? What did you put in the water? Natalie. Huh? [Sara passes out]

Grissom: Where is she, Catherine? It's 110 degrees, she's been out here all day, without water, she's disorientated, she's... dehydrated...

Catherine: She's a survivor.

A La Cart [8.2]

Ecklie: How is your leg?

Sara: Fractured in two places.

Ecklie: [Ecklie tries to call Grissom, no answer, so he leaves a message on his phone] Gil, Conrad again. Message three, call me back please. [To Sara] It feeling better?

Sara: Yeah.

Ecklie: Good. So, you must know where he is.

Ecklie: Really? Okay, uh... [pauses] Look, I don't wanna play any games here, this is as difficult for me as it is for you. So, let's just, uh, get this over with, shall we? Okay then, um, this is an administrative inquiry. You and your supervisor were in direct violation of lab policy.

Sara: Are.

Ecklie: [pauses for a second] Are. In direct violation of lab policy, which states that members of the same forensic team may not engage in a romantic relationship. So, when did you and Supervisor Grissom begin your relationship?

Sara: Well, we've always had a relationship.

Ecklie: [pauses, looks uncomfortable] I mean...when did you become intimate?

Sara: Two years ago. I think it was a Sunday.

Warrick: Well, it's a crowded restaurant, somebody must have seen something.

Brass: Not exactly, welcome to the latest fad, dining in the dark. [presses a remote that makes the room pitch black] The waiters are blind. No one sees anything. Piece of cake, huh?

Catherine: Did he just leave?

Warrick: I think so.

David: [anxiously] Guys...I have a dead body here...

Nick: [talking about go karts] You know, when I was a kid we used to make these things out of lunch trays and old lawn mower engines.

Greg: When I was a kid, I used to make bombs.

Nick: [looks at Greg]

Greg: [holds his fingers up to indicate "small"] Little bombs.

Ecklie: You've been dodging me, it's time to talk. Gil, nobody wants to hear about your love life less than I do, but since you didn't handle this right, I have to take a formal statement. [Grissom (^^) stares at him] It should have been a conversation between friends. I mean, we could find someway around this. Catherine could have done Sara's evaluations. Why didn't you just tell me?

Grissom: We didn't want you to know.

Ecklie: Don't most women like the world to know they are dating someone?

Grissom: Where do you get your information about women, Conrad?

Ecklie: [php] Okay... so when did you two... you know...

Grissom: Nine years ago.

Ecklie: You know what? You two need to get your stories straight.

Grissom: When did you tell Ecklie we got involved?

Sara: Two years ago. Why, what did you tell him?

Grissom: Nine years ago.

Sara (laughs): The Forensic Academy conference.

Grissom: Yeah. You, uh, had too many questions about anthropology for some reason.

Sara: Well, I was stalling. I was trying to get the nerve to ask you to dinner.

Grissom: You had a ponytail.

Sara: I'm gonna move to swing.

Grissom: We talked about this.

Sara: I know that you said you would do it but I don't wanna do that to the team. Besides, I am sure that I could use more daylight in my life.[long pause] We should go.

Grissom: Yeah.

Go To Hell [8.3]

Mandy: So, I got a hit off of the print on the motel's 'Do Not Disturb' sign. [hands her paper]

Catherine: Drug dealer with priors for assault. Nice.

Mandy: Well, don't get too excited because I got another hit off of the telephone. Pedophile. [hands her another paper] And I got one off of the dress, a rapist. [hands her another paper] And another off the bed frame. A prostitute, a pimp, and another prostitute. [hands her more papers]

Catherine: Is that it?

Mandy: For felonies, yes. Do you want misdemeanors too?

Brass: You ever been the Rachno's Central Motel?

Rev. Rhodes: Plenty of times. Hookers, addicts, drug dealers, pimps, wife beaters, runaways. I save people.

Brass: [shows him a picture] You ever save these two? [Rhodes stares at the picture, a little taken aback] You know them, don't you?

Rev. Rhodes: There's nothing I can tell you.

Brass: These people have a daughter and she's missing. And due to the fact that you're a convicted sex offender, you better come up with something more than these corny, priestly homilies, and you better come up with them fast.

Rev. Rhodes: I don't have to answer to you. I want to talk to my lawyer.

Brass: That's a good idea. Because you're under arrest.

Warrick: [while searching Rhode's apartment] You know, if I had to gauge it by his apartment, I'd have to say that Alistair Rhodes is just a regular guy.

Nick: Yeah, I'm sure that's what he wants everyone to think too.

Rev. Rhodes: Mr. Grissom...do you believe in a separate, living evil?

Grissom: You're a primitive man on the Savannah. You see something move out of the corner of your eye. You assume it's a hyena. You run, you live. If you assume it's the wind and you're wrong, you die. We have the genes of the ones who ran. We're genetically hard-wired to believe living forces that we cannot see.

Rev. Rhodes: The Devil's sliest trick is making us believe he isn't real. But call his name loud and long enough, [knocks on the table four times] guess who comes knockin' on your door?

Brass: Usually guys like you.

Ronnie: Cops must've picked him up before he died.

Sara: Maybe that's not all they did.

Ronnie: Well, it was a guess.

Sara: What is the first thing that police do when they question a suspect?

Ronnie: Check for I.D...Standard procedure.

Sara: Eddie Kaye's only identification was an expired driver's license found separated from all of his wordly possessions. Print it.

Ronnie: What? You're not seriously gonna go after the cops after something like this?

Sara: You know, that question I will answer. We're not here to protect anyone, Ronnie. Not even the cops. We're here to figure out what happened. If you can't do that, you should get different job.

Catherine: Staff tells me that you've already gone through the SAE kit.

Amy: They tell you I'm all banged up inside?

Catherine: Not in those words.

Catherine: Do you have any relatives?

Amy: Not anymore.

Catherine: I've got a daughter. She's almost your age.

Amy: [coldly] Maybe we should hang out.

The Case of the Cross-Dressing Carp [8.4]

Grissom: Oh, I love it when you dress up.

Sara: Well, you know whatever it takes to get some time with you. How's the study going? Any sign of colony-collapse disorder?

Grissom: Nope, so far, it's healthy.

Sara: Nothing too healthy about smoking.

Grissom: Well, the scent confuses the guard bees, they won't emit the pheromone that tells the colony there's an intruder.

Sara: Oh, don't worry, he's harmless. Who's who?

Grissom: These are the workers, infertile females.

Sara: They don't sting?

Grissom: Well, not unless you swat one, close one up in your hand or freak out. Go ahead, take off your glove.

Sara: All right, I trust you.

Grissom: See, it's cool. The worker bees defend the hive, procure the pollen, make the honey, nurture the larvae and pupae in each of these group cells...you know, maybe we should get married.

[The bee on Sara's hand stings her]

Sara: Ouch.

Grissom: Sorry. Don't pick it out, makes it worse, releases the venom into the blood stream. It's better to scrape it. So, er, what do you think, you know, about-

Sara: -Yes. Let's do it.

Grissom: Yeah.

[She laughs, they try to kiss but have trouble in the bee suits]

The Chick Chop Flick Shop [8.5]

Wendy Simms: I don't have huge breasts. Mine are kind of ... medium.

David Hodges: But perfect ...

(Wendy turns and glares at Hodges.)

Hodges: --ly adequate. Better, in fact.

Dickie: (To Catherine) You know, I could open up new worlds to you. Have you ever had the back of those thighs kissed by a man, who's standing up? [Catherine bursts out laughing] So you find dwarfs funny?

Catherine: [Still laughing] Sometimes, yeah.

Who and What [8.6]

Catherine: Bring us up to speed Greg.

Greg: Okay, sure, um, Carmen Davis' keys were still in her purse, car's outside, no cash in the wallet and the credit cards have been removed and neatly stacked on the table. It appears as though they've been wiped clean. Killer was smart enough not to take anything that could be traced.

Catherine: Which suggests that he was an experienced criminal. What do you know about this guy?

Agent Jack Malone: Including everything you just told me? Everything you just told me.

Grissom: I'll call in some additional AV techs to help Archie get through the footage, but you know, I've learned that sometimes you can go faster by going slow.

Agent Jack Malone: Yeah, well I like to go faster by going fast. Waiting around isn't really my best thing.

Grissom:: I've gathered that from your interrogation technique. You know, maybe you should go back to your hotel and take a nap.

Agent Jack Malone: [looks around] Is this your office? Really? I mean, by choice? It's not some kind of, uh, surplus overflow issue?

Grissom: What's wrong with my office?

Agent Jack Malone: Oh, I don't know. Uh, [Looks at pig in jar] why don't you tell me. [Puts on glasses for a closer look]

Grissom: That's an irradiated fetal pig. I used it to determine the effects of radiation on tissue.

Agent Jack Malone: For what?

Grissom: For fun.

Goodbye And Good Luck [8.7]

David: It's the third jumper on campus this year. Maybe it's contagious.

Catherine: I saw this documentary once on suicides off the Golden Gate Bridge, and they interviewed a survivor and he said the moment that he let go of the railing, he realized that all of his problems were fixable, except for having jumped.

Ronnie Lake: Mrs. Jimenez, are you okay?

Kim Jiminez: Bad back.

Ronnie: [looks at Mrs. Jimenez's back and finds a knife sticking out of it] Sara, she's got a very bad back.

Catherine: Such a scary thing, sending your kid off to college.

Doc Robbins: Is Lindsey looking already?

Catherine: Yeah. In fact, we looked at WLVU last month.

Doc Robbins: Well, at least she'd be close to home.

Catherine: She's free on campus, may as well be a thousand miles away.

Greg: Looks like our vic was in a goth band. You know, I used to be goth.

Nick: Mh-hmm.

Greg: Yeah, the goth-thing was just an act. Chicks dug it.

Nick: How does that work?

Greg: You act depressed to get chicks, you get depressed chicks.

Nick: [about Marlon West] He confessed. It was later thrown out on a technicality. We really didn't need it. The prosecution's case against Marlon was very strong.

Sara: Until Marlon's little sister Hannah got on the stand and confessed to the murder herself.

Catherine: Oh, yes, I remember this case. A high school senior at age 12.

Sara: She's a prodigy.

Nick: She's a pint-size Machiavelli. She manipulated events, fabricated evidence, and in the end...

Sara: She claimed that she did it because she loved Marlon. Some warped sense of justice. She graduated later that summer, became legally emancipated from her parents and went off to Harvard, pre-med.

Grissom: You keeping tabs on her?

Sara: Not recently. Look, accident or no accident, Marlon killed before. Hannah sunk this case, Marlon got a free pass, and now he's killed again.

Catherine: Well, we don't know that just yet. I mean, we don't have Marlon's DNA to compare with the semen that was found in the victim. All the old evidence was expunged with the verdict.

Sara: I want this case.

Grissom: The one that got away?

Sara: We're not supposed to let them get away, right?

Brass: We're here to talk to you about Kira Dellinger.

Marlon: Kira committed suicide.

Sara: Actually, she was murdered.

Marlon: Somebody I know ends up dead and I'm automatically a suspect?

Brass: History has a way of repeating itself, Marlon.

Brass: I don't know Sara, it's going to be tough to get a warrant.

Sara: I need Marlon West's DNA. If his semen is in Kira Dellinger, it puts him at the murder.

Brass: Look, they had a known sexual relationship, so there's no evidence of rape. And I don't know if you know this, but Marlon's mother and father were killed in a car accident last year. Judge Bowman is going to be very sensitive to that. It could look like harassment.

Sara: Jim, are you going to talk to the judge or not?

Brass: Wow, you really got it out for this kid. What's the deal here, Sara?

Sara: Marlon West has killed before.

Brass: Not according to a jury of his peers.

Sara: Did you have fun talking to Kira Dellinger's parents?

Brass: Excuse me?

Sara: Must've been a lot of screaming and crying and despair.

Brass: There usually is. What's your point, Sara?

Sara: My point is, if we had done our job right the first time, Marlon West would be in jail, and Kira Dellinger would still be alive. Talk to the judge.

Marlon: I'm telling you, I didn't kill Kira. I've never lied to you. Not once. You just never believe me. When I'm guilty, you want me to be innocent. When I'm innocent, you want me to be guilty.

Nick: Hey, you know what, Marlon? You can save it, 'cause unlike most people, you're not going to get me to underestimate you. I already know you're every bit as smart as your sister, especially when it comes to creating confusion.

Hannah: He didn't kill Kira. He cared about her.

Sara: Hannah, what makes you think that I would believe anything that you tell me?

Hannah (smiles sweetly): I suppose I'm an optimist. College has been a difficult adjustment for Marlon, especially after we lost our parents.

Sara: I'm sorry about that.

Hannah: You're not really, though. When will Marlon be able to leave?

Sara: Well, we are going to keep him here as long as we possibly can.

Hannah: At least that's honest. It also seems a little vindictive.

Sara: Given your brother's history, I think it's pretty sensible.

Hannah: What's wrong, Sara? You're different than you used to be. You're angry. And a little sad, too. Why?

Sara: If you want to spend more time with your brother, I recommend you invest in a good lawyer, Hannah.

Sara: I don't think Kira punched Marlon. I think Hannah picked up the tooth from a fight that Marlon had earlier in the evening. And I think she planted it on Kira. [Grissom is silent as he thinks about it] That's crazy.

Grissom: It's possible.

Sara: This kid is spinning me in circles, again.

Grissom: You know, Sara, some cases, some suspects, can get under your skin. Like this tooth. But you can't let 'em make you feel bad.

Hannah: You don't expect me to confess to something I didn't do?

Sara: I am just putting you on notice. You are not fooling me anymore.

Hannah: I think I know why you're so angry, Sara. I did some research. I read about what that serial killer did to you out in the desert, under that car...

Sara: We're talking about you, Hannah.

Hannah: It must've been so terrible being trapped like that all alone. Did your life flash in front of your eyes?

Sara: That is none of your business.

Hannah: You must've been so sad knowing that you were gonna lose everyone who mattered to you.

Sara: Stop it, Hannah.

Hannah: Look, I know how it feels. One moment my parents were alive, and the next they were gone.

Sara: Answer the question!

Hannah: My life changed in that moment. All that I have left is Marlon. Why would I do anything to hurt him?

Sara: [stands up and hits the table] Stop playing games with me!

Hannah: You're the one who's playing games.

Sara: [about Mrs. Jimenez] What happened? Her husband attack her again?

Ronnie: No, she came in voluntarily. Took some convincing, but she's agreed to go to a shelter.

Sara: She won't stay.

Ronnie: Maybe not. But at least now she has a chance. Look, I did it all on my own time, no OT. I know it's not the way you do things, but I think it's part of the job. At least, that's how I want it to be. For me.

Marlon: I asked Hannah to teach me how to make GHB, and how to get it into Kira. I just wanted to mess her up a bit. I snuck it into Kira's room a few days ago; I still had a key. Hannah must've made a copy.

Sara: I believe you, Marlon. I really do. But the only thing that a jury's going to see is your prints on the lube, your prints on the windowsill, and another dead girl.

Marlon: Why is Hannah doing this to me?

Sara: I don't know. All I know is ... you don't deserve to take the fall for this. And the question is ... are you going to let your sister get away with this and spend the rest of your life in jail?

Marlon: If Hannah wants me in jail, that's where I'm going to be. There's nothing I can do about it.

Marlon: Hannah, they're going to put me away for the rest of my life.

Hannah: The evidence is against you, particularly given your history of violence.

Marlon: Please...after everything I've done for you, after everything we've done for each other, at least tell me why.

Hannah: Because I love you.

Marlon: And I love you, too.

Hannah: No, you don't. But you will. I promise, I'll visit you every week.

Hannah: [to Sara] You need to talk to me again?

Sara: I do. I know that you killed Kira Dellinger. I just can't prove it.

Hannah: That must be frustrating for you.

Sara: Hannah, Marlon's dead.

Hannah: Wow. That's a really sad and desperate ploy, Sara. It's beneath you.

[Sara shows Hannah the photo of Marlon hanging at the windowsill]

Sara: He was doing well here, wasn't he? Making friends, joining a band, falling in love. But you're still a freak, just like high school.

Hannah: You're lying. No. This is a lie.

Sara: His world got bigger, and yours stayed the same, and you killed Kira so you could keep him all to yourself, didn't you?

Hannah: [screams] It's a lie! No no... it's a lie! It's a lie! Lie! [drops her backpack and grabs Sara's hands. Sara struggles with her and kneels as Hannah cries] Stop it! Marlon... he-he-he can't leave me all alone.

[Sara puts her arm around Hannah]

Sara: [voice over] Gil, You know I love you. I feel I've loved you forever. Lately, I haven't been feeling very well. Truth be told, I'm tired. Out in the desert, under that car that night, I realized something, and I haven't been able to shake it. Since my father died, I've spent almost my entire life with ghosts. We've been like close friends, and out there in the desert, it occurred to me that it was time for me to bury them. I can't do that here. I'm so sorry. No matter how hard I try to fight it off, I'm left with the feeling that I have to go. I have no idea where I'm going, but I know I have to do this. If I don't, I'm afraid I'll self destruct, and worse, you'll be there to see it happen. Be safe. Know that I tried very hard to stay. Know that you're my one and only. I will miss you with every beat of my heart. Our life together was the only home I've ever really had. I wouldn't trade it for anything. I love you. I always will. Good bye.

You Kill Me [8.8]

David: (Repeated line as a gag) No signs of sexual trauma.

Dr. Al Robbins: You know, David, our job is never easy, but this is a colleague. If your emotions are too raw and you feel you need to excuse yourself...

David: [Touching a frozen body which causes a crunching sound] Look! [touches dead body again] He's crunchy.

Wendy: Why is even potential advancement so threatening to you?

Hodges: Hey, Sanders left the lab, he got his ass kicked, I'm just saying.

Wendy: I fell off a ladder?

Hodges: Well you are kinda clumsy.

Wendy: Since when?

Henry: It's endearing.

Grissom: (After Hodges imagines Brass shooting Bobby Dawson six times) What do you got against Bobby Dawson?

Hodges: Nothing.

Cockroaches [8.9]

Greg: Regal Sanitation was owned by Anthony Pezzulo. I'm studying mob history for a book I'm writing.

Warrick: Pezzulo? Wasn't he the mob boss who, uh, owned the Starfly?

Greg: They called Pezzulo "Whacko," not so much for his wacky personality as for his love for whacking guys.

Grissom: Until he himself got whacked at the Wisconsin Dells in 1983. Every mob-owned business in Vegas shut down when Pezzulo died.

Warrick: These scumbags like roaches. Just when you think they're gone, they pop back up again.

Lying Down With Dogs [8.10]

Greg: Disposing of animals like this is illegal. Whoever dumped the vic must have known about the site from dumping dogs.

Nick: Yup. It looks like he's moving up the food chain.

David: Hey Doc.

Doc Robbins: Hey.

David: I heard your band killed last night.

Doc Robbins: Really? Who'd you hear that from?

David: My wife's second cousin. Works in the mayor's office for the budget and finance director. He was at the country club. Grooved to your moldy oldies all night.

Doc Robbins: They're classics.

Catherine: You going to be okay with this one?

Doc Robbins: I'm just not used to seeing them alive.

Brass: (about Warrick) You should have put him in your car and driven him home!

Grissom: I have to trust the people I work with, Jim.

Brass: Look, Warrick's a loose cannon. We both know that. He was in Gedda's strip club ...

Grissom: He was off the clock.

Brass: ... conducting his own police investigation.

Grissom: He's very passionate about this case.

Brass: Yeah, passionate enough to sleep with the vic who ended up dead in his car. Look, I know Warrick didn't have anything to do with it, but he needs to back off. Guys like Lou Gedda, they don't skip on murder and extortion by being lucky.

Grissom: What does that mean? You think Gedda's got friends inside the department?

Brass: Well, unlike Warrick, I don't make accusations until I have proof.

Wendy: Anytime a dog is impounded in a criminal case, its DNA is collected and profiled. It's just like CODIS.

Hodges: DODIS.

Wendy: Anyway most of the cases in the database are gang-related. But I figured, well, it's worth a shot.

Hodges: Well, that'll look good on the old Grissom point meter.

Wendy: It's protocol.

Hodges: I'm just saying, be careful. No one likes a kiss-ass.

Henry: I know government employees aren't eligible for reward money, but I think we should at least get a small percentage.

Catherine: It's called your salary.

Steve Card: Lizzie was the #1 dog fighter in all of Vegas. That drove Gino nuts 'cause he was like this close to knocking her off the top spot.

Detective Vega: You seriously want us to believe that Mrs. Rodriguez, humanitarian of the year, was into dog fighting?

Steve Card: Oh, she was no Mother Theresa. But, see, she'd still be alive if she wasn't a dirty dog fighter. That rub, it made the other dog sick.

Catherine: Gee, I hate to see the sport tainted like that.

Nick: (to Gino) You know, there are two things a jury can't stand, people who abuse kids and people who abuse animals. So buena suerte.

Bull [8.11]

Grissom: Guy was living the American dream. Every kid wants to grow up to be a cowboy.

Brass: Not a dead cowboy.

Hodges: (talking about cotton fiber) I need another piece for comparison.

Catherine: Forget how to use the scissors? (pushes them to him) Put your fingers in the holes and squeeze.

Hodges: (smirks) Yes ma-am.

Nick: (after Grissom read Cody's poem) It's not Shakespeare.

Grissom: I'm actually a fan of cowboy poetry.

Nick: Are you really?

Grissom: Yeah, it's just a way of organizing your thoughts and feelings so that you can make sense of them.

Nick: Sounds like Cody was trying to make sense of his girl leaving him.

Grissom: (returning the poetry letter to Nick) Yeah well, poetry can help you with that, too.

Wendy: Hey buckaroos, have you seen Catherine? Because I just got the results from that semen stain on Cody Latshaw's jeans.

Nick: Come up with a match?

Wendy: I did. I had to run an Ouchterlony test on it.

Greg: So, not from a human donor?

Wendy: No, no, bovine. (Nick and Greg look appalled) Yeah. I took a psychobiology class once and we studied a very interesting case. Okay, there was a guy who lived on a farm, and literally the only way that this guy could get sexually satisfied was when he was with livestock. (Nick tries to interrupt)

Nick: Hey, that's okay, I'm good...

Wendy: (growing more enthusiastic as she continues) Well, you see, apparently the whole thing started one ngith because he was in the barn and it started snowing, he was stuck in there and couldn't make his way back to the farmhouse so he decided that he would try and stay warm... well, with a sheep. (Nick just looks at Wendy) But then the horses were jealous, so, you know... And I think there was a cow in there as well...

Greg: You know, I think we got the picture.

Nick: I wish I didn't.

Nick: (slaps Precious Ricky's arm) I didn't take you for a country music fan, yee-haw. (leaves)

Greg: Cowboys, cattle rustling, and now a shooting at the dance hall.

Nick: Welcome to the Wild West.

Brass: Well howdy Partner. This is a new experience for me, first time I caught me a cattle rustler.

Nick: (about Cody) Well it's part of the tradition, you know. Solitary man out there trying to find himself.

Catherine: Yeah, but no man is an island. I mean, obviously, he had feelings for Nancy or he wouldn't have written her that poem.

Nick: Nancy? I don't know about that. Tiffany's the one that broke his heart.

Grissom: I don't think it's about either girl. (reading the poem) "I can't help now but wonder what your brown eyes were concealing." Did you read Tiffany's autopsy report?

Nick: Oh. Yeah, her eyes were blue.

Grissom: So were Nancy's.

Nick: Then who did he write the poem for?

Grissom: Wintwister. (Catherine and Nick can't believe it)

Catherine: The bull?

Grissom: I think that's why he went back to the arena that night. Wordsworth once wrote, "Through love we feel we are greater than we know." My guess is, riding that bull, Cody felt like a greater man.

Grissom's Divine Comedy [8.12]

Madeline Klein: Nobody knew he was coming, Conrad. Nobody knew his name. Yeah, well, if you'd stop talking for a minute you'd understand. The investigation's been compromised. Lives are at risk. How many people do the right thing anymore? Have a conscience? Don Cook, didn't even know what he saw. El Mataocho doesn't kill for the thrill, or because he was abused as a child, he kills because it's his answer to everything. I had him eye-witnessed, it was enough for an indictment. No indictment, no trial, he goes free and La Tierra gets stronger, so don't patronize me by saying this might be an accident. I'm not asking you for advice here, I'm telling you. I want Grissom.

Warrick: (to Greg who has a scarf wrapped around his neck) What are you doing, a catalog shoot? Where's your matching hat with your pom-pom?

Greg: Leave me alone. I have a cold.

Madeline Klein: [to Grissom] Boy, you look like hell. I need sugar. You got a soda?

Grissom: Nice to see you, too, Maddy.

Madeline Klein: 6 months' worth of investigation; two months working with the grand jury; 5 low-level indictments against the LAT. Why you? 'Cause you're the only one who won't screw it up.

Grissom: My team won't screw it up.

Madeline Klein: Oh, right. Your team. Warrick Brown got mixed up with a crooked judge. Sanders ran down a civilian while on duty. Ms. Willows lied about being at a crime scene, among other things. And who can forget Stokes, your straight arrow? Suspected of killing his hooker girlfriend. How does the song go? "You call me up, I get 'em out of it"? If it weren't for me, you'd have no team.

Nick: [to Warrick] Hey.

Warrick: Oh, man, you look beat up.

Nick: I feel beat up.

Warrick: Why don't you ... uh ... take a break. I got this.

Nick: No, no, I'm cool. I can push through it.

Warrick: Yeah. You're ... uh ... breaking the lab's budget for rubber gloves here, dawg. Listen, get some rest, man. You'd do the same for me.

Brass: [to Donny Gomez] And why that apartment? Who do you know lives there?

Donny Gomez: Nobody. I got a mental illness. I'm a firebug. I'm loco.

Brass: You're loco?

Donny Gomez: Who knows? (Madeline walks in) Maybe I'll set the lawyer lady's house on fire.

Madeline Klein: Hey, little man with the big mouth. It doesn't matter what you say, 'cause all your boys are going to hear is that you rolled on Alvarado. (Gomez surges to his feet. His hands are cuffed behind his back. The officer grabs his shoulders)

Brass: Sit down.

Madeline Klein: Just bought yourself another ten years. I'm going to hand-pick your cell mate.

[Brass and Maddy leave]

Brass: Well, that didn't help.

Madeline Klein: That kid wouldn't roll if I gave him a night with Jessica Alba.

Brass: You're really good at making enemies, Maddy.

Madeline Klein: That's why I'm unlisted, divorced and carry a gun.

Brass: Did you take Cook back to Little Gordo's house? You know, maybe to verify his story?

Madeline Klein: Yeah, I always take my secret witnesses on a bus tour of the hood.

Brass: You know, when Don Cook first refused to testify that he saw Alvarado come out of Little Gordo's house, you know what I did? I took him to an out-of-town diner and bought him a cup of coffee. What'd you do?

Madeline Klein: I went to Little Gordo's. (Brass nods, Maddy gets it now) Damn it. Good job, Maddy. They saw me. I can't even blame it on the booze. All they had to do was trail me back to the courthouse and watch me go into the security entrance with 18 escorted jurors. That's how they knew grand jury. Damn it! This is where you're supposed to say, "It's okay. It could happen to anyone. It's not your fault Don Cook is dead." Like hell it isn't.

Hodges: (after Nick coughs) You know, in China people wear masks when they're sick. It's considered impolite to infect your co-workers.

Nick: Maybe you should go work in China.

Hodges: Maybe you should wear a mask.

Catherine: Never thought I'd be disappointed that we solved a case.

Grissom: Hmm.

Catherine: Court personnel files?

Grissom: Reading upside down is a talent.

Catherine: What are you looking for?

Grissom: The leak. 90 minutes after the warrant was issued, Alvarado's apartment went up.

Catherine: So you're looking at the judge, his staff, the clerk that issued the warrant, court reporter, any cops who knew...

Grissom: Yeah, but according to this, everybody cleared. The only ones left are the grand jurors and Maddy Klein.

Madeline Klein: Well, I was right about Alvarado, he was leaving Vegas. Otherwise, he would have killed me himself.

Grissom: You okay?

Madeline Klein: Yeah. Guess now, I owe you one, huh?

Grissom: I don't keep score, Madeline.

Madeline Klein: You know what Gilbert? You're the only man I know that's never let me down. Which means either that your a classic enabler or my soulmate.

A Thousand Days On Earth [8.13]

Greg Fitzsimmons: I would never hit my kids cause, you know, my father used to beat me. He didn't beat me too much. He beat me just right. You know, I remember the last time he really slapped me around, just getting up off the ground, and thinking, "perfect." He really nailed it, you know? Any more would have been barbaric. And yet any less I wouldn't be seeking the approval of you drunks, so thanks. 'Cause parenting is hard and expensive. I just read the other day that if you were to have a baby today and raise that kid all the way through college, it would cost you one million dollars. And that's why I feel like no woman should ever walk out of an abortion clinic with her head hung down in shame. You walk out of there like you just hit the lotto. I'm a winner.

Greg Fitzsimmons: Come on, seriously, I love kids. Did you hug your kid today? Can I hug your kid? Can I hug your kid, sir?

Angry Audience Member: You touch my kids, I kill you.

Greg Fitzsimmons: Dude, it's a comedy show! I'm kidding. This is a joke. (the angry guy makes a gun motion with his hand at Greg) What? What was that? Oh... I see why you're so angry, that's your wife.

Fat Guy: [to Greg Fitzsimmons] I mean it, man. I was laughing my ass off.

Greg Fitzsimmons: Anybody finds a size 54 ass, I'll make sure we keep it on ice for 'ya.

Hodges: It's hard to believe that anybody could do something like this to such a beautiful little girl.

Catherine: So, if she had been plain or homely, it'd be easy for you to accept?

Hodges: No, but, maybe it's just me, that when something like this happens to a kid with a face like that, it just seems a little more tragic.

Catherine: Maybe that will work in our favor. (Catherine walks out)

Hodges: Did I just piss her off?

Grissom: Yeah, but she was heading that way when she came in.

Wendy: Okay. This one has a tag. And now... (hands hair follicular tag to Hodges) ... tag, you're it.

Hodges: Is that what passes for DNA humor around here? Never thought I'd miss Sanders.

Leo: Alright, okay, one night, ten years ago I did a hit of ecstasy and I threw in a hit of Peyote for good measure. By the time morning rolled around I was so high, I thought I was inside a living cartoon. I went outside naked and performed a joyous and impromptu dance to the Egyptian Sun God Ra.

Brass: That sounds really beautiful. I'm sorry I missed it.

Leo: Well unfortunately, twenty preschoolers playing in the yard next door didn't.

Catherine: What are you doing here?

Leo Finley: I was waiting for you.

Catherine: How did you get in here?

Leo Finley: Can't we talk about something interesting? Me for instance. I'm interesting.

Catherine: Yeah, let's do that. Let's talk about you.

Leo Finley: For starters, Norah left me. Actually, she threw my stuff out onto the street, got a restraining order on me, notified the neighbors and called my boss. "Hey, Scumbag. Don't bother coming in, we'll mail you your last check." So in one fell swoop, as it were, I lost my girlfriend, my livelihood and my place to live. I thought it was going to be different this time. Frankly, I blame you.

Catherine: I didn't create the circumstances of your life, Leo.

Leo Finley: You grind up the innocent with the guilty.

Catherine: Just take it easy. I was just doing my job.

Leo Finley: (mockingly) I was just doing my job.

Catherine: Yeah, I was just doing my job.

Leo Finley: I was just doing my job. I was just following orders. Blonde Nazi bitch! You get in there with your big boots and you kick it all apart and you don't care who you hurt. Whose life you destroy in the process.

Catherine: Calm down.

Leo Finley: No! It's not fair.

Catherine: Calm down!

Leo Finley: Don't tell me to calm down!

Catherine: (draws her gun) Just stay back and calm down!

Leo Finley: You going to shoot me? Would that help you figure out how completely you screwed my life up? Would you sleep better at night? Maybe, I should just save you the trouble and blow my own brains out, hm. What do you think?

Catherine: I think you need to talk to somebody.

Leo Finley: I am talking to somebody. I'm talking to you. So how about this, if I do decide to kill myself, I'm going to come over to your house, and blow my brains out right on your front lawn. As a gift to you and everything you stand for. How does that work for you? (turns and walks away)

Drops Out [8.14]

Grissom: (looks up to see blood dripping from the ceiling) Looks like this crime has a second story.

David: (looking at the victim who was shot in the head) Organ donor. Her heart was in the right place.

Grissom: Unfortunately her head was in the wrong place.

Greg: Maybe the shooter freaked out and wet himself. Not exactly a hardened criminal.

Brass: The name on the lease is Kellen Tyford.

Nick: Drops?

Grissom: The nightclub promoter?

Brass: Yeah, and get this, he leases the upstairs apartment too.

Grissom: That's a lotta apartments for a guy who's getting free room and board.

Brass: (after Drops lost his chess game) Looks like something more than forensics be jammin' a brotha up in here.

Drops: Man, y'all some jinxes, man.

Brass: This is a set-up, don't you get it? Ivy league college student versus a high school drop out, convict, you got no chance. ... So said a jury of your peers.

Drops: 8 months, on a weak ass weapons charge, it's a vacation, man.

Drops: I can't explain these women. One minute, they're sending each other cupcakes on Facebook, the next they're trying to kill each other over a broken curling iron.

Drops: (about Dana) This is the type of girl that you have to find in person.

Nick: Well, give us some addresses.

Drops: What are you gonna do? Mapquest her ass? 'Cause that's not gonna work. There's only one way to find this girl. Let me out. (Brass laughs) No, for real, I mean. I can have her for you today.

Nick: You think that we can just pop you outta jail?

Drops: Yeah. Like 48 hours. You know the flick, they bust Eddie outta jail, get the bad guy, everything's cool.

Nick: You think this is a joke, man? Dead bodies are piling up around your new family, now that would worry me.

Catherine: [to Archie] You ever worry that you could be replaced by a computer?

Archie: Every day of my life.

Catherine: We've got a BOLO out on Dana Espinoza in connection with the apartment homicides. She's considered armed, dangerous, and pregnant.

Warrick: Oh! Raging hormones and a gun; we got to get that off the street fast.

Drops: (while being released from jail for 48 hours to help them, sees Brass and Nick) Well, look who it is: Mom and Dad. (they put cuffs and an ankle bracelet on him) One big happy family, huh?

Brass: Yes. Get in the car. (Drops does and Brass shuts the door) I got a feeling I'm gonna regret this.

Nick: I already do.

Nick: And what makes you so sure that Dana would go to this guy Bruce anyway?

Drops: If Dana's on the run, she's gonna need some on the run money, let's say Zigzag, handles certain aspects of my finances.

Brass: What? Like laundering the street fig?

Drops: No, actually my 401k. Why you always tossin' the pimp card at me, man? I guess to you a black man in a suit is a pimp.

Brass: Aw, did I hurt your feelings?

Nick: So, who else would Dana go for help? Zigzag doesn't seem to be like a very big talker.

Drops: You're a lot funnier than I remember, crime lab, you been goin' to cop-comedy school?

Brass: (unenthused after Drops gives him an address) Jackson and D, yippee, we're going to the hood.

The Theory of Everything [8.15]

Doc Robbins: (looking at the dead deer with a tutu on) Doe. A deer. A female deer...

David: It's not funny.

Doc Robbins: It's a little funny. (starts taking pictures)

David: Doc, I already took photos.

Doc Robbins: Not for my scrap book, 'ya didn't.

David: This is animal abuse.

Doc Robbins: The killing? Sure. The dress? Pet owners put sweaters on chihuahuas.

Doc Robbins: Together in death, as they were in life.

David: Guy abuses wildlife, then bursts into flames. I call it karma.

Doc Robbins: No physical signs that their relationship was anything other than platonic.

David: I mean, we're the ones encroaching on their habitat, you don't see them shooting us.

Doc Robbins: Consider this justice for Bambi's mother.

Hodges: You're a geeky, nerdy guy trapped in a woman's body

Wendy: So are you.

Officer: (about his girlfriend taking his pepper spray) But she dances nights at the Acid Strip.

Nick: (chuckles) What, does she clip the can to her g-string?

Brass: That'd be a deterrent to stuffing a tip in there, wouldn't it?

Grissom: Once is happenstance, twice is coincidence, three times is enemy action.

Hodges: Winston Churchill.

Grissom: Ian Fleming.

Hodges: I should know that I'm a huge James Bond fan.

Greg: What aren't you a fan of?

Hodges: In an interview in the San Francisco Chronicle, October 31, 1996, if I recall correctly, one Professor Gilbert Grissom revealed that as a boy he collected dead animals he found in his Marina Del Ray neighborhood and performed necropsies on them.

Grissom: Hodges, I want you to stop stalking me.

Hodges: Anytime you need a sniffer to detect it, my nose has the cyanide gene.

Grissom: What type of gene turned your nose brown? (referring to the squirrel he just necropsied) Go ahead. You can sew him up. (gets up and leaves)

Hodges: Will do. And I'll notify next of kin, too. (chuckles, then grimaces at the open body cavity of the squirrel)

Grissom: Your killer's a ground squirrel?

Catherine: In a way I argue self defense.

Nick: Is it bad when you start thinking none of this sounds too weird anymore?

Warrick: Oh, it's a bit too freaky how these cases are connected.

Greg: Grissom, you always say that there is no such thing as coincidence...

Grissom: There isn't.

Catherine: Oh, come on. You got the guy who bursts into flames, just divorced from the woman who was fighting squirrel wars with the Martins...

Greg: ... Who had hired the exterminator who's drugs were turning everybody's blood green.

Nick: And one of his green blooded customers was Evelyn, our lady of tinfoil, who was the last person that Kyle Plank touched before he died.

Grissom: There's one more connection. Evelyn had 200 bucks, and I'm thinking that when she was run over, she was on her way to buy more Thyocite. I think that Wayne Connor was with Dave Boer waiting for the money to arrive.

Greg: Only Evelyn never showed up, Connor lost his temper and Boer killed him in a fight.

Warrick: And it all started with Kyle Plank, lonely guy with a gut full of moonshine.

Grissom: String theory.

Nick: Grissom theory. This is better than a bedtime story.

Grissom: String theory is "the theory of everything." Quantum mechanics tells us about the very small. The theory of relativity explains the immense. String theory ties it all together. It proposes that atomic particles are made up of infinitesimal vibrating loops of energy or strings. Each string vibrates at its own frequency, like on a violin, producing notes and these notes make up everything in the universe.

Catherine: Cosmic symphony.

Grissom: These strings have been combining and recombining ever since the Big Bang. So, the connections between our victims or any of us are not that extraordinary.

Nick: But every one of them thought they were alone.

Warrick: Too bad they didn't know about Grissom's theory.

Greg: In a parallel universe, maybe they're all having breakfast together.

Catherine: In this universe, maybe we are.

Nick: Yeah.

Catherine: (to Grissom) And you're buying.

Grissom: No strings attached.

Two and a Half Deaths [8.16]

David: Sorry for the delay, it's a paparazzi jungle downstairs.

Grissom: Yeah, well Doc Robbins isn't the only one with a scrapbook.

Brass: (about Annabelle) Y'know, it's a tragic coincidence that she died two days after you qualified for half of what she's worth.

Bud: Really? I thought that was the bright side.

Grissom: Then the rubber chicken was inserted port-mortem.

Dr. Robbins: And thus not the cause of death.

Grissom: Might have been a gag. Sorry.

(Hodges has been doing tests on the absorption of tampons)

Wendy: That time of the month, huh? I know, picking out the right feminine product can be so hard.

Hodges: You're gonna mock me or help me?

Wendy: I have to choose?

Hodges: I can't get this to work!

Wendy: Well that's probably 'cause you don't have the right equipment. ... You don't, do you?

Hodges: Haha, you're lucky you're cute. Annabelle Fundt was dosing her tampons with vodka.

Wendy: Does that even work?

Hodges: Kinda, even at their most absorbent, tampons only hold about 19 grams of fluid or about 20 milliliters.

Wendy: Well, that's enough for aunt flow but that is not going to get an alcoholic drunk.

Hodges: Who's Aunt flow? (Wendy gives him a look) Oh! All right, maybe she was just doing it to take the edge off but what I can't figure out is how she managed it because every time I throw one in here, it turns into Spongebob Squarepants.

Wendy: You don't take it out of the applicator first. Gimme! (Hodges gives her a tampon) Watch and learn. (she makes it clear how it works) There, that's why they call it an applicator.

Hodges: I always wondered how that worked.

Wendy: All men do.

Warrick: [about a bloodstain] Hey, what does this look like to you?

Grissom: Hermaphrodite on rollerskates.

Catherine: A puppy.

Hodges: Bud didn't marry Annabelle. He married Natasha pretending to be Annabelle.

Catherine: Well, one thing's for sure. Neither one of them is pretending to be dead.

Bud: Whoa, hey! Easy on the Emmy there buddy.

Grissom: Is that what this is?

Nick: Looks like a comedy writer came out of the closet.

Catherine: I doubt if it's the first time.

Greg: So, that's it. Robot-man, closet-stalker-guy gets his package grabbed and a TV star dies.

Nick: It is the classic story.

Brass: Forget it Gil. It's Burbank.

For Gedda [8.17]

Nick: Crime scene at a funeral. Can't get much deader than this.

Grissom: What if the killer used the victim's car to transport the body?

Nick: He drives the victim's own vehicle back to the funeral home, stuffs the body in a double-decker coffin, hits a car wash, comes back cleans out the office, and then leaves us the keys. That's pretty considerate.

Grissom: Or very smart.

Nick (after Hodges was talking to I.A): I don't care, what'd you say?

Hodges: I said that I saw Warrick sitting alone in Grissom's office in the dark.

Nick: So what?

Hodges: He got a phone call and he got really pissed at the person that he was talking to.

Nick: So what?

Hodges: Then he was found an hour later in a pool of Gedda's blood.

Nick: Hey, you don't know what happened in there.

Hodges: Look, Nick, all I did was tell the truth as I saw it. That's what we're supposed to do, right?

I.A. Officer Wagenbach: (to Warrick; laying out photos in front of him) Your gun with blood tissue and hair at the scene. Your cuffs, on the vic. You covered in blood. You went to Pigalle to get revenge by giving Lou Gedda a taste of his own medicine. You're a CSI, what's the evidence telling you?

Warrick: (pauses) The evidence is ... the evidence is suggesting that I did it.