CSI: Crime Scene Investigation (season 3)

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CSI: Crime Scene Investigation (2000–2015), usually referred to as CSI, is a dramatic television series about the Forensics Crime Lab in Las Vegas.

Revenge Is Best Served Cold [3.01]

Tony Del Nagro: Jace killed my mom. Everybody knew it. Everybody knew it, and nobody came forward. It was a street race. Jace's car just slammed right into us. Killed my mom instantly. He just plowed right into us. Kept going.

Catherine Willows: You were in the car. Why didn't you just tell the police?

Tony Del Nagro: Because I didn't know it was Jace. I found out later on that it was a street racer.

Nick Stokes: And you weren't?

Tony Del Nagro: Not at the time, no. So I went to a couple of events and hooked into the world. I found out within one hour who killed her.

Nick Stokes: So, let me get this straight. You decide to become one of them. You buy a car with your mother's death benefit, toss your hat in the ring, and wait for your shot.

Catherine Willows: Revenge is best served cold.

The Accused Is Entitled [3.02]

Tom Haviland: I get one phone call, right?

Grissom: Sure. Just like in the movies.

Dr. Phillip Gerard: The accused is entitled to the best defense possible.

Grissom: The accused is entitled, yeah. He's a movie star, that's why he's entitled. He's killed two women. You know it. But you're willing to decimate these CSIs so that you can spoon-feed a jury into letting him walk.

Dr. Phillip Gerard: A jury believes me because of my reputation, just like they do you.

Grissom: The difference is, Philip, I get the same paycheck regardless of what I testify to.

Let the Seller Beware [3.03]

Grissom: Your mother's maiden name is Hojem, correct? Hojem is Norwegian?

Greg: Yeah. And you know, my grandfather got tossed from Norway for getting my grandmother pregnant before they got married. To this day, he still tells me "som man reder sa ligger man." [off Grissom's confused look] One must lie in the bed one has made.

Grissom: That's true. Right foot first, please.

A Little Murder [3.04]

Warrick: Cath? You all right? Don't let him get to you like that.

Catherine: I was scared...and I still am. [Warrick puts his arms around Catherine] Don't tell anyone, okay?

Grissom: You know what's really sad? This wasn't just a murder. It was a hate crime. Kevin Marcus hated himself.

Greg: There's, uh, something weird going on with the hairs from the ropes. Well, not weird. More like...hair-raising. (Grissom doesn't smile or laugh) Sorry, bad one.

Nick: Okay, back to midgets.

Grissom: Nick? "Dwarves" or "little people."

[After Catherine was attacked at a crime scene, she fell into the victim's blood]

Catherine (to Warrick): Don't touch me, I'm evidence.

Sara: Is this some kind of convention?

Grissom: Little People Convention. Every year they come from all over the world to a designated city. Socialize, network. It's their Prom, Olympics, and New Year's Eve all rolled into one. (As they walk, a man in a wheelchair nearly runs into Nick)

Nick: Oh, hey. Excuse me.

Man: Don't think so, square jaw. (Grissom and Sara continue along the ballroom unaware of Nick's close encounter)

Sara: Grissom, how do you know this?

Grissom: I get the newsletter.

Melanie Grace: My first IOLP convention -- I walk in, see 200 Dwarfs staring back at me and what goes through my head? "There's no way I look like these people." I ran.

Grissom: But you went back.

Melanie Grace: Eventually. I guess I realized it's nice to see eye-to-eye with someone.

Grissom: Mm.

Melanie Grace: I get the impression that's a little tough for you. "The freaks have looked at her in a secret way and tried to connect their eyes with hers as though to say, we know who you are. We are you."

Grissom (smiles): Faulkner.

Melanie Grace: Close. Another southern writer. Carson McCullers.

Grissom: I think we look for the differences in each other to prove that we're not alone.

Melanie Grace: What's yours? Your difference? (Grissom is silent) Mine's the worst. Random gene. Anyone can have a dwarf. Sometimes I've even seen terror in average-size people's eyes. I remind them that their little carbon copies might not be such a copy after all.

Grissom: Well, mine's genetic, progressive and impossible to predict.

Melanie Grace: And hard to notice ... unless you tell someone.

Melanie Grace: Does he ever talk?

Sara: Yeah. At, uh, random intervals.

Grissom: I was admiring your reaching tool.

Melanie Grace: I have one I use to wipe my tush with. Would you like to take a look at that, too?

Greg (grumbling about Grissom): You know, I hate it when he does that. I like to make a presentation, you know?

Nick: So, present.

Greg: Eh, forget it.

Nick: How long for DNA?

Greg: Well, give me something to compare it to. Get me the fiancée's blood.

Nick: Well, I can't just give you her blood. That takes a court order.

Greg: I'm open 24 hours.

Catherine [to Warrick]: Hey, um, hand me a swab, would you?

Warrick: You know I could do this for you.

Catherine: Not going to hurt any less. (Catherine takes a swab from the cut on her head)

Warrick: Two guys break and enter and get into some kind of an altercation.

Catherine: One ends up killing the other.

David: And almost Catherine. That had to be scary, huh?

Catherine: I didn't have time to be scared, David

Grissom: There's a theory in art that the Mona Lisa was really a feminized version of Leonardo Da Vinci himself.

Sara: Concept suggests ... Deep down we're all narcissists?

Grissom: Yeah. What attracts us the most is ourselves.

Abra Cadaver [3.05]

Archie: Is that who I think it is?

Grissom: Who?

Archie: Toby Arcane. "Freak man".

Grissom: What makes him a "freak" besides that shirt?

Archie: All I can say he's not for the faint of heart.

The Execution of Catherine Willows [3.06]

Greg: Hey, I hear you're cheating on me with an out-of-state DNA analyst.

Catherine: Apples and oranges, Greg. Fifteen-year-old hair samples no roots, room-temperature storage.

Greg: Room temp?

Catherine: Yeah, that's how we stored hair evidence back then. Microscopy was king.

Greg: Really? I thought Elvis was king.

Catherine: And you are how old?

Greg: Age is irrelevant in our relationship.

Catherine: Maybe so, but face it, Greg you just don't have the equipment.

Fight Night [3.07]

Warrick: There was this one case where a boxer put lead shot in his gloves to increase his punching power. And also ancient greek limapulists used a glove weighted with metal, called a "cestus."

Grissom: You making a classical reference?

Warrick: Yeah. I thought you'd like that.

Grissom: I guess clothes do make "The Man."

Catherine: In this case, "The Man" makes the clothes... and produces the music... and represents the athletes... when he's not involved in street shootings, of course.

Grissom: And when you asked him what he was wearing the night of the murder, he couldn't remember?

Catherine: As far as he's concerned murder is just another way to separate himself from the Calvins and Ralphs of the world.

Grissom: Calvin and Ralph?

Catherine: Klein and Lauren. Fashion.

Grissom: Oh. Well, for most CSIs, fashion is irrelevant.

Catherine: Speak for yourself. The only thing between me and a wardrobe like this is a few extra zeros on my paycheck.

Snuff [3.08]

Grissom: By the way, the definition of the word "retard", is to hinder or to hold someone back. I think your life is about to become…retarded.

Film Processor: I've processed hundreds of bogus snuff films. But this…this one just felt different.

Catherine: Yeah, it should. Arterial spray was real.

Grissom: It's not fake blood. It's human. That was a murder…on 16 millimeter.

[talking to the terminally ill suspect]

Catherine: You killed her.

Sara: I guess she killed you back.

Sara: (a phone book get thrown into the hallway as Sara goes by and she jumps back) Why are you throwing phone books?

Warrick: 'Cause a beaker gets glass all over the place.

Sara: (sweetly) What's wrong?

Warrick: It's this curtain that the porn girl was found wrapped in. I've got no prints, no second donor. I've got nothing to link this porn guy to the girl's murder. It's just driving me nuts.

Sara: (sarcastically) I'm fine.

Warrick: (realises he almost hit her) I'm sorry. Are you okay?

Sara: (smiles) Yeah. (puts her hand on his shoulder) You missed me by a mile. We may have something.

Warrick: Really?

Sara: Right here. I wanted to show you. When he's stabbing her, she's bleeding all over him.

Warrick: Well, a void proves that, but we still can't prove it's him.

Sara: Yeah, but her blood might. Catherine and I suspect transference. She had HIV.

Warrick: Well, how are we going to get a sample of Sampson's blood?

Sara: Warrant, based on the butterscotch dirt that you found on his car.

Warrick: [has a lightbulb moment] Oh, I like that.

Sara: [smiles] You might want to apologize to the phonebook.

Blood Lust [3.09]

Grissom: Okay, Doc, tell me something I don't know.

Dr. Robbins: Okay. In fourth grade, I dropped out of karate class because a kid half my size made me cry.

Grissom: About the body.

Sara: You know you pulled me away from a forensic anthropology seminar, right? It's required. It's part of the continuing education program.

Grissom: Well, I'm sorry, but everyone seems to have something to do today. I have a teenager who was run over by a taxi. He wasn't hit by it; that's not what killed him. He was stabbed, fatally. For now, I have no ID, no suspects and no primary crime scene. I need you.

Grissom: How would you like to be part of an experiment?

Judy: I- I'm a secretary, besides, I heard what you did to Greg's feet.

Grissom: You'll keep your shoes on, I swear.

Thug: [After Brass is questioning them for beating a taxi driver who was supposedly fleeing a crime scene] If we were wearing badges, you guys would be giving us medals.

Brass: If you guys are wearing badges, I'm playing left wing in the NHL.

High and Low [3.10]

Catherine: Hey, Greggy, any luck on those blood and hair samples?

Greg: Don't insult me. Luck is for those without skill.

Catherine: Spoken like a man who's never hit the jackpot.

Greg: Sad, but true.

Recipe for Murder [3.11]

[Looking at the meat grinder the arm is caught in]

Grissom: We're gonna have to dismantle this piece by piece.

Catherine: Yeah.

Grissom: I'll get a foreman.

Catherine: I think I can handle this.

Grissom: You know about meat grinders?

Catherine: Well, everything's pretty much plumbing. Male into female parts. Righty tighty, lefty loosey.

[Grissom just looks at her as she starts to take it apart]

Got Murder? [3.12]

[Nick and Sara sifting through rubbish they found near their victim]

Nick: Home pregnancy test, negative. Better luck next time.

[after Dr. Robbins has performed an autopsy on a living man, who later passes on]

Dr. Robbins: Alright David, take two.

Sara: She's a virgin?! So what are we talking here immaculate conception?

Catherine: More like the immaculate perception. Pseudocyesis: imagined pregnancy.

Sara: It's all in her head? Well, that would explain what she was doing in Dad's bed.

Catherine: Fantasizing.

Grissom (looking at the eyeball): Well, someone's missing a contact lens.

Catherine: That's not all they're missing.

Grissom: You know, ravens, like eagles, have been known to travel 30 miles from roost to feeding ground.

Catherine: 30 miles in every direction. Pi-r-squared. That means that we're looking at a ... 2,800 mile search area.

Grissom: "Once upon a midnight dreary while I pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore."

Catherine: We're up a tree and you're quoting Poe. Give me something.

Grissom (holding the eyeball): "Quoth the raven: Only this and nothing more."

Warrick: Hey, I hear David's resurrecting the dead now.

Grissom (chuckles): Yeah, our little miracle worker.

Clyde: Look, everyone tries to get an edge in this business. I use jokes.

Warrick (hangs up the phone): Fred Sterns just passed away. Again.

Grissom: Dead guy. Not funny.

Sara (at a garbage dump): You know the average Nevadan generates three times more waste than the average American?

Nick: Yeah, well that's tourist trash.

Sara: Thirteen million pounds per day. I went to the recycling forum in March.

Catherine: The landfill manager says this is the active cell. Spotter says cell lift moves forward 20 feet a day. That puts the active cell right ... pretty much in front of us.

Nick: Man! You find the best evidence in the nastiest places.

Catherine: You are what you throw away.

Sara: It's like peeling an onion in peoples' lives.

Catherine: Well, this onion is our time line so peel back accordingly.

Catherine: Heard you got to be superhero today.

Doc Robbins: I consider myself a superhero every day.

Sara: Cans are on private property, it's not trash day, how did you get consent?

Catherine: I talked to the president of the owner's association.

Nick: What'd you threaten her with?

Catherine: A return visit.

Catherine (about the vic): What kind of identifying characteristics do we have?

Doc Robbins: Second degree midline episiotomy scar.

Catherine: Well, that narrows it down to more than half the women in this country who gave birth.

Doc Robbins: But there might be one other thing. At first I thought appendectomy, but check out her x-ray. She's had surgery. Some kind of implant at the L4-L5 interspace. I'll know more when I open her up.

Catherine: You're my hero, Al.

Doc Robbins: An artificial spinal disc. If you can recreate a spine the possibilities are endless.

Catherine: I thought, uh, disc replacement surgery involved fusing bone to bone.

Doc Robbins: Eh, typically, but it can limit mobility. With that little disc, your body doesn't know the difference. Matches range of motion, flexibility and an axial rotation of a normal spine. Still in clinical trials. Less than a thousand surgeries have been performed in this country.

Catherine: Oh, well, I like those odds.

Doc Robbins: You'll like this even better. Medium endplate, size 12, polyethylene component and a six-degree lordosis angle. Narrowed it down to one. Amy Ennis. Austin, Texas.

Catherine: Tourist?

Doc Robbins (chuckles): That's for you to find out.

Warrick: You know it's illegal in the state of Nevada to have venomous snakes?

Marty: If you handle them correctly, snakes are harmless. I know what I'm doing.

Grissom: Yeah, that's what we're afraid of.

Marty: You going to arrest me for blurring the lines?

Grissom: No. We were leaning towards murder.

Brass: Have you ever seen anything like this before?

Catherine: How it manifested? No. But the cause? (beat) People throw things away every day.

Warrick: You ever buy a brand-new car, Griss?

Grissom: Depreciation doesn't make it a logical investment.

Warrick: It's not about logic. It's about that smell. There's nothing like the smell of a brand-new car.

Random Acts of Violence [3.13]

Detective Vega: You don't just spontaneously develop a fatal head wound.

Warrick: This guy has been in Mat's house.

Grissom: What is this?

Warrick: Mat's team won this three years ago. This trophy was given to the rec center last year. I found all this stuff in Jacobs' car. Look at this.

Grissom: If this is evidence, it needs to be tagged and cataloged.

Warrick: This is the same guy who shot Mat's daughter in the head and he's walking around laughing at us.

Grissom: Can you prove that?

Warrick: What is this? I've been putting guys away like this for years. And now that it matters it's like that you're holding me back here.

Grissom: Your job, Warrick, is to process the evidence. Objectively and without prejudice.

Warrick: I'm so tired of hearing that. I've heard it a million times. I can't be like you, I'm not a robot, ok? I, actually, care about this people.

Grissom: Y'know what? You're not working on this case anymore. I have another assignment for you tomorrow.

Warrick: Keep it.

Grissom: Greg, how many licks are take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?

Greg: The world may never know.

Warrick: Just see if you get some DNA off this stick, would you?

Greg: All work and no play makes Greg a dull boy.

Grissom: All play and no work makes Greg an unemployed boy.

Warrick: I blew it.

Grissom: Yeah. But you're not the one who's paying for it.

Nick: You gotta get a girlfriend.

Archie: You first.

Greg: I thought we had a relationship! What are you doing taking Archie into the field instead of me?

Nick: Right tool for the right job, man. You have to understand the world you're investigating (Greg gives Nick a look) Hey, Archie? What's that "Star Trek" episode with that guy and the forehead thingy and the time portal...?

Archie: In classic, TNG, DS9, Voyager or Enterprise?

Greg: Point taken.

Archie: Or were you thinking about Farscape?

Nick: I have no idea what you're talking about.

One Hit Wonder [3.14]

Grissom: "The best intentions are fraught with disappointment."

Nick: The semen sample I recovered is still being processed in DNA.

Greg: [walks in] Not anymore. I'm done. And no jokes about me being fast in this department. The ejaculate outside the first girl's window -- spank high. Good news: It does have DNA.

Nick: Whose?

Greg: I don't know. Ran it through CODIS, nothing kicked out.

Catherine: Well, it's possible this guy's so new he doesn't even have a record.

Greg: Well, I can tell you this about him: Really low sperm count. Sample hardly had any swimmers.

Nick: That's probably from excessive masturbation. Guy's outpacing his ability to produce ... [he looks up and finds everyone staring at him] ... sperm.

Warrick: You'd know it, spanky

[Sara gives Bobby the bullet from her friend to process]

Bobby: Hang on a second. [smiling] You get approval from Grissom, I don't want him walking in on me.

Sara: [nodding] Yeah.

Bobby: Sara Sidle.

Sara: [smiling] Yeah, I did!

Bobby: All right. Just checking!

Lady Heather's Box [3.15]

Grissom: May we come in?

Lady Heather: Say the magic word...

Brass: Warrant.

Brass: We are going back to Lady Heather's.

Grissom: I can take care of this myself.

Brass: Gil, do me a favor. Get a sport car. It's a lot cheaper and easier to handle.

Lady Heather: Unfortunately the language we speak in here doesn't necessarily translate to the world out there.

Grissom: No, in here, the submissive has the power... all he has to do is say the safety word and everything stops.

Lady Heather: Very good, Mr. Grissom.

Grissom: I'm just repeating what I've heard.

Lady Heather: You're a good listener.

Grissom: Part of the job.

Lady Heather: So, this is work?

Grissom: Yes, but I value your insight.

Lady Heather: I'm flattered...but you already seem to know the answers to your questions. You keep me in proximity when I walk away [She moves closer to him] and when I'm close you watch my lips. Are you losing your hearing?

Grissom: I'm losing my balance.

Lady Heather: Your sense of self?

Grissom: No, I know who I am.

Lady Heather: Do you?

Grissom: Yes... I do. [He touches one side of her cheek with one hand then the other with his other hand] You can always say "stop".

Lady Heather: So can you.

[Screen fades, then the next scene of them is in the morning at Lady Heather's house, having tea]

Nick: Hey Doc, I've come to get an update on ... stinky

Lucky Strike [3.16]

Detective Cyrus: Death: the cheapest show in Vegas.

Grissom: Yeah. it doesn't surprise me. Remember the MGM fire? We found people burned to their slot machines cause they wouldn't leave the action.

Detective Cyrus: Only in Vegas.

Nick: Feces?

Grissom: Yep.

Nick: Under the fingernail?

Grissom: Yep. [Nick looks up with pained expression]

Nick: He wiped his own ass?

Grissom: [laughs] No, Nick, it's not human. It's scat. Could be from a bat.

Nick: Bat scat.

Grissom: Bat guano.

Nick: There's a sucker born every minute.

Grissom: Yep, and they all come to Vegas.

Grissom: Bats are like bees, Nick. Don't bother them, and they won't bother you.

Nick: Let's not bother them... I mean it.

Crash and Burn [3.17]

Greg: Hey, I hear you're working on Hank's case.

Sara: I believe it's my case.

Greg: Territorial. You know, guys don't like that.

Sara: You're crowding me, Greg.

Greg: Well, I have some information that'll bring us even closer.

Sara: Diane Lambart lived two hours away. If she drove into Vegas with the intention of using it as a murder weapon. I'd imagine she'd be pretty stressed.

Dr. Robbins: Kamikaze Grandma.

Precious Metal [3.18]

Grissom: So, let's see. You surf, you scuba dive. You're into latex, you like fashion models and Marilyn Manson. And you also have a coin collection?

Greg: Weird, ha?

Grissom: Well, I race cockroaches.

Grissom: What happened to your enthuasism, Greg?

Greg: Well, everytime I make a DNA match in here my world gets a little smaller. Out there I felt large.

Grissom: Out there... means a pay cut.

Greg: It's not about the money.

Grissom: That's good to know.

Doorman: Sorry, 5 dollars to get in.

Brass: [Pointing to his badge] I got a coupon.

A Night At The Movies [3.19]

Sara: What do you think caused these marks?

Hodges: Give me more time. I'm not a miracle worker.

Sara: Well, that's obvious, Hodges. If you were a miracle worker, you wouldn't be rude.

Hodges: I wasn't being rude. I was being curt. Rude would be, "When I know, you'll know." Friends?

Sara: No.

Catherine: Hi. What'd I miss?

Grissom: Murder, seduction, deceit — the usual.

Catherine: Mm. This one of your favorites?

Grissom: Actually, I'm not a big fan of noir.

Catherine: Okay. Well, what do you like?

Grissom: I like silent movies.

Last Laugh [3.20]

Brass: I'm chasing something that Gil Grissom isn't interested in ... a hunch.

Nick: You sure you don't want me to do this?

Sara: Are you kidding? I live for this. I mean, Shelley Stark and I are the same height and weight.

Nick: Yeah, but you're taller, thinner.

Sara: Oh, butter that toast, Nick.

Catherine: Oh, Dougie Max was poisoned.

Greg: To the max.

Catherine: It's physically impossible to absorb a fatal dose of cocaine through the penis.

Grissom: Cite your source.

Brass: Did you hear the one about the comedian who died onstage?

Catherine: Ba-dum-bum

Brass: I'll be here all week.

Catherine: We have a bigger problem than we thought we did.

Hodges: Why are you looking at me?

Catherine: I'm not looking at you.

Hodges: Yes you are!

Catherine: Okay...

Catherine: What do you see?

Grissom: Nothing.

Catherine: What are you looking for?

Grissom: A punchline?

Brass: Ba-dum-bum.

Forever [3.21]

Catherine: I'm gonna find out what Rone's mothers maiden name is.

Grissom: What's his mother got to do with it?

Catherine: She may have sold me my engagement ring.

Play with Fire [3.22]

Archie: Nevada State Correctional Facility. Pretty casual for a prison.

Grissom: It's medium-security...

Nick: ...for nicer criminals.

Archie: [laughing] Right.

Sara: You got a minute?

Grissom: I was just leaving.

Sara: Yeah, the schedule says you're off tonight.

Grissom: I am.

Sara: Me too.

Grissom: You should be on paid leave.

Sara: I'm fine.

Grissom: You were fortunate and I'm not talking about the explosion.

Sara: You, uh, you talked to Brass.

Grissom: And Nick.

Sara: We got the guy.

Grissom: Is that all you have to say?

Sara: Would you like to have dinner with me?

Grissom: No.

Sara: Why not? Let's... let's have dinner... let's see what happens.

Grissom: Sara... I don't know what to do about this.

Sara: I do... you know by the time you figure it out, it really could be too late.

Inside the Box [3.23]

Doc Robbins: I wish you had come to me sooner. The condition is pretty far along. Why'd you wait?

Grissom: [sighs] I hoped it would go away.

Doc Robbins: Doesn't your mother have this condition?

Grissom: Yeah. It's hereditary. I know I wasn't rational.

Doc Robbins: Look, Gil. I'm not gonna preach to you, you came to me. But Doctor to Doctor there's a chance the bone deposits have spread into the inner ear. In which case your hearing loss will eventually be permanent. If I were you, I'd schedule surgery as soon as possible.

Grissom: I'm not going with you.

Catherine: What do you mean?

Grissom: I'm scheduled for surgery at Desert Palm.

Catherine:: Surgery? [She walks over to him] Your hearing?

Grissom: [nods] Yep.

Catherine: I'm sorry.

Grissom: I'm not. Has to be done.

Catherine: What can I do?

Grissom: Nothin', I'm fine. Take care of the case.

Catherine: Wha--ah, that's it?

Grissom: That's it. Um... good luck.