CSI: Crime Scene Investigation (season 10)

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CSI: Crime Scene Investigation (2000–2015), usually referred to as CSI, is a dramatic television series about the Forensics Crime Lab in Las Vegas.

Family Affair [10.1]

Catherine [as Greg is carrying a container of goo]: Mr. and Mrs. Decomp?

Greg: 'Til death do they centrifuge.

Ray: According to the SMD's, Wilkes traveled 3.2 miles from his last engine stop. Now, how do you drive that far, that wasted and still stay on the road?

Nick: Individual tolerances vary, just ask Keith Richards.

Ecklie: Alright, look guys, I got a press conference in an hour and I'd rather not say something that I'll have to backtrack later on. Did Wilkes intentionally kill Olivia Hamilton?

Nick [same time as Ray]: I'd say so.

Ray: I doubt it.

Catherine: Maybe you should cancel the press conference.

Nick [to Ray]: Shooting review board?

Ray: Yeah. [reads the letter] They cleared me.

Nick: Good. Kill or be killed, Ray. It's a terrible situation to be in, man, don't let it bother 'ya.

Ray: It hasn't been bothering me. And that's what's been bothering me.

Catherine: Sara, I know that you walked into some fireworks in the breakroom.

Sara: What? Ecklie? Please.

Catherine: No, I just read Riley's exit interview. She had some... harsh things to say about my leadership, that the team's fractured, that it lacks cohesion because of me because of my managerial style. I don't know. I-I admit it, I admit that things are different since Grissom left.

Sara: Well... it's like when a great baseball team loses its clean-up hitter; suddenly everybody's swinging for the fences and nobody's playin' small ball.

Catherine [smirks]: You're using a baseball analogy.

Sara: Ah, apparently part of being married is attempting to share in your spouse's interests.

Catherine [chuckles]: Okay. That's a weird side of you.

Sara [smiles]: I know. Look, you still have a lot of great players and some new talent. Maybe you just need to reshuffle your lineup.

Catherine: English, please?

Sara: You are a great CSI Catherine, and you know how to manage your team. The only thing Grissom had that you don't... is you. [Catherine smiles.]

Ghost Town [10.2]

Greg: Porn house, drug house, Millander house in between, they must throw one hell of a block party.

Ray: See, Craig, you and I have something in common: We both have father's who killed people.

Craig: Your father was a serial killer?

Ray: No, he was a soldier in the Korean War. He even got a Bronze Star for his work.

Craig: That's different.

Ray: No it's not. See, after the war was over, my father continued to fight, every once in a while he would go out to a bar, not so much to drink, but to pick fights. I remember one day, he came home he was very excited. He had a black eye and a fat lip, and was bragging about how he had knocked somebody out. Said he hit the man so hard the paramedics had to peel him off the floor, said it was the most fun he had ever had.

Sara: Craig, if we made you feel like you were paying for your father's crimes, I'm sorry.

Craig: You know, I never even met Mr. Millander, yet I'm more like a Millander than a Mason. You probably wonder how that happened.

Sara: It has crossed my mind.

Craig: You see, my father, Doug Mason, took me to the Halloween warehouse once a month. He told me that the owner, Mr. Millander was his friend, and then my father would play with me with me just like every father would play with his son. Millander's costumes were toys to me, and I'd told my father every time that we went to tell this Mr. Millander that he was a genius. And then one day it all stopped, I lost both my father and my idol. And making masks and rubber hands is my way of keeping the connection alive.

Working Stiffs [10.3]

Ray Langston: What's the angriest you've ever been?

Nick Stokes: I've been mad enough to kill somebody. Didn't do it. What about you?

Ray Langston: High threshold. Short fuse.

David Phillips: Me, too. In high school, I vented my frustrations by devising elaborate tortures for my classmates. In comic book form, of course.

Nick Stokes: Well, whether the killer woke up this morning intending to beat this guy to death or not, right now, he's a new man with a new plan. And a big, fat secret.

Ray Langston:Secrets are hard to keep.

Jim Brass: You know, I'm curious, uh, have you had any problems with disgruntled employees lately?

Terrence Lombard: No more than usual. I mean come on, you know what we do here?

Jim Brass: Yeah, I read the sign. You're support operations for The Tangiers.

Terrence Lombard: Which means we laminate badges, distribute uniforms and issue parking permits. We are the testicles of the casino business, my friend. If you're working here, it's not 'cause you want to be.

Coup de Grace [10.4]

Brass: I put my credibility on the line for you. CSIs said excessive force, I said 'no way'.

Officer Finn: That's right.

Brass: Oh, really? [plays the dispatch recording of Officer Finn calling Sergeant Johnson a black son of a bitch.]

Officer Finn: I don't remember saying that.

Union Rep: I'm advising you not to speak, not until we hear the complete recording and check the witness statements.

Officer Finn: You think I'm racist? I don't remember, if I said he was black, I was describing the suspect. I was so focused on what the gun was doing I...

Brass: Did you see his face?

Officer Finn: No, it was dark out.

Brass: Are you telling me, you didn't recognize Scott Johnson? He was a trainee, he rode with you, he was your damn partner for four months. You spent 8 hours a day in a car together. You saw more of him than you did of your wife.

Union Rep: This was over 5 years ago.

Brass: So you're telling me you didn't recognize a guy who put a formal complaint in your file for racial discrimination? Let me read this to you: "Frequent and excessive use of racial epithets including the 'N' word."

Officer Finn: First of all, no. I didn't recognize Johnson. And second, yeah, sure, I use street talk with the trainees.

Brass: Come on, you know that doesn't fly anymore.

Officer Finn: But believe me, whatever they get from me is nothing compared to what they're gonna get from the real gorillas in the jungle.

Union Rep: That's a poor choice of words.

Officer Finn: I am training them for the real world and of the dozens and dozens of people I have trained, and that is every color of the rainbow, pal. That hard ass was the only one who ever complained. The only one. He's the racist, not me.

Ray: Look, when I had a gun pulled on me, I didn't check for skin color before I pulled the trigger. Finn's motives are not what we're after, just the evidence that's gonna tell us about his actions.

Detective Moreno [looking at the computer screen]: Each dot represents a crime involving firearms. And that... that's just the last year.

Sara: Wow. You leave town for a while and all hell breaks loose.

Catherine: Finn took action in the line of duty. Johnson was trying to help a kid at risk.

Nick: So where's the bad guy in this?

Ray: You tell me.

Blood Sport [10.5]

Ray: I was teaching at WLVU when Coach Miller won his second conference title. And everybody loved him, treated him like a god.

Catherine: Even gods have enemies.

Doc Robbins: Coach was struck at least a dozen times.

Nick: A lot of rage here.

Doc Robbins: Agreed. The multiple impacts crushed his skull and drove bone fragments into the brain, causing catastrophic hemorrhaging. It's like when you push your finger into a hard-boiled egg. The shell cracks but the pieces stay in place.

Nick: Thanks for ruining another breakfast for me.

Doc Robbins: It's what I do.

Doc Robbins: C'mon, you're not gonna ask me about the zombie thing?

Nick: Well, you're obviously eager to tell me.

Doc Robbins: Well, damage was predominantly on the right side of the brain to the neo-cortex which controls thought, language and reason. It was almost completely destroyed. But the paleo-cortex which lies beneath it remained intact. The paleo-cotrex controls learned instinct and rituals. Which explains why the victim was able to brush his teeth and eat his breakfast without noticing that he was bleeding to death.

Nick: They never seem to get that right in zombie movies.

Julian: Captain, do you know how much the university pays campus security?

Brass: Well, I know that prison inmates make 15 cents an hour. Is it less than that?

Pal: You found my Beemer? Good work, boys.

Brass: When you reported it stolen, did you know there was a dead girl inside?

Pal: Well, it came fully loaded, but a dead girl wasn't part of the package.

Death And The Maiden [10.6]

Catherine: What's with all the blood?

Hooker: Oh, don't take that tone with me, blondie. This is the blood on an innocent Samaritan.

Brass: Oh, yeah? We got a special on Samaritans, we're arresting them tonight.

Greg: Why'd the killer put the gun back in the register? Langston? ... Ray? ... I'll answer my own question. You see, Greg, cop pulls you over and finds cash on you, no big deal. If he finds a gun, then you're going to jail.

April: And don't be surprised if Mr. Baker never admits he was raped. Odds are, you'll probably close the case on lack of co-operation and then make fun of him around the office. Have a nice day, Mr. Stokes.

Nick: Hey, what is your problem? I'm just trying to do my job here.

April: I've watched you guys stand over dead bodies and crack jokes. I still see a human being when all you see is evidence. Which, might make you a good investigator, but it also makes you cold, hard, people.

Nick: So you can feel compassion for dead people? But you can't feel it for someone who's alive, wearing a badge, tryin' to help! Good luck with that. Enjoy your sandwich.

Nick: So, you catch a guy burglarizing your store. You wanna teach him a lesson, I get it. You beat him, you stab him, you shoot him. But do you have to rape him?

Ray: Greek warriors in ancient times would sodomize their enemies after a battle, to humiliate them, take their manhood...

Nick: Yeah, yeah. I understand the concept of humiliation: rape isn't about sex, it's about violence. But this is a little excessive, don't you think?

Ray: Well... for some men... violence is their sex.

Ray: Sometimes, when God closes a door, Satan opens a window.

The Lost Girls [10.7]

Hodges: If you're gonna have me keep doing Archie's job, I'm gonna need a raise.

Nick: Lemme know what Ecklie says to that.

Hodges: I was hoping you'd ask. You're a supervisor.

Nick: Yeah, well, it's good to hope for things.

Brass [to Anthony]: We also found Dede Chase's driver's license, how'd that get in there?

Anthony: Dede partied with my girls for a couple days. Asked me to hold on to her valuables whilst she went clubbin'.

Brass: Did she also ask you to beat her, rape her, and slit her throat?

Wendy: What is this stuff?

Greg: Uh, Langston sent us some souvenirs from Miami and New York.

Wendy: Oh.

Catherine [unwraps a mini-statue of Liberty]: Mm. I was kinda hopin' for a little somethin', somethin' from Burgdorff's.

Wendy: I love this.

Hodges [puts on sunglasses with palm trees on the side]: How do I look?

Greg: Bitchin'.

Catherine: Ridiculous.

Lover's Lanes [10.8]

Nick: Time for a toast. You know, bowling is a family sport. I'd like to raise a glass to our CSI family. Cheers. [They all drink] But unfortunately, it's time to give the family a little ass-whoppin'. [They all laugh]

Hodges: Oh, really?!

Catherine: All of us?

Ray: Be careful, Nick, don't let your mouth write a check that your ass can't cash.

Everyone: Ooh!

Appendicitement [10.9]

Nick [reading the "Closed Notice" at Harry's]: "Notice closed by the board of health. Suspected point of origin of hepatitis B outbreak. Date of closure 7/3/09." Oops.

Hodges: That was five months ago.

Henry: Nice, you were gonna give me hepatitis for my birthday. Thanks

Nick: We've got a dead body here, boys.

Henry [unenthused]: Best birthday, ever.

Henry: Maybe the raccoon lept through that window ninja style, and before this guy could shoot it, it landed on him and chewed his face off. Well, I guess we should call it in, huh? Oh, that's right, we've got no reception!

Shirley: You think I don't know what you see when you look at us? [takes a sip of her martini] Bunch of ignorant drunk crackers. Shiftless peckerwoods. Lemme tell you somethin', we built this place outta nothin' with our hands, and our sweat and our determination. Mayor of Vegas used to eat here.

Greg: [whispers to Hodges] Alright, if I can't find a phone, I'm gonna make one. Keep an eye on her. [walks off]

Shirley: We had politicians, celebrities, rubbin' up elbows with the common man. Some nights, we had eight, ten limos stacked out up front. Then Harry took off, it all went to hell. He didn't care who he hurt. [making another martini] Are you sure, that I can't fix you boys one of these?

Hodges: You know, I could use the little boy's room.

Shirley: Ah, toilet is all stuffed up. There's one in the basement. But, you don't wanna use that one, believe me. There's like, a million black widow spiders down there. It's like a black widow convention is what it is. You just like puff up and die, so... Use the bushes. [Hodges goes to leave]

Henry: [grabs his arm and whispers] Whoa, whoa, what am I supposed to do?

Hodges: You heard Greg, keep an eye on her.

Shirley: [pours Henry some whiskey] You are gonna drink a man drink, just like that. [Henry chuckles nervously]

Shirley: This place was a gold mine. That man, he walked away with $250,000. All I got... [hands Henry a postcard that reads "Florida" on the front] was a postcard. Just to rub my face in it.

Henry [reading the postcard]: "Shirley, by the time you read this, I'll be sippin' pina coladas, on an island somewheres far away with the new love of my life who is much younger than you. Don't come lookin' for me 'cause I'm all gone. Good-bye, Harry."

Shirley: You ever hear anythin' so mean in all your life? [sniffles]

Henry: No, ma'am.

Shirley: You're real cute, you know? Now, what'd you say y'all come out here for again?

Henry: It's my birthday!

[Shirley squeezes happily and climbs on Henry's lap]

Shirley: Why don't you come over here and give your Auntie Shirley some sugar?

Henry: [laughs uncomfortably and starts to lean away] Uh, no, I can't, I'm engaged. I'm married, actually. I have syphilis!

Shirley: Perfect. Me too.

Henry: (muffled) Help!

Better Off Dead [10.10]

Greg: Guy stands in the middle of a 3-way shootout and strolls out alive?

Nick: Was he just lucky, or bulletproof?

David: Knocked over by a car, fell down a well, attacked by coyotes, poisoned by a spider, lost in a cave, traded for a Mike Schmitt rookie baseball card, and my favorite, [Sara walks in] given to a farm. Allegedly.

[Sara looks confused, looks at Henry]

Henry: The tragic fates of the Phillips' family dogs.

Greg [holds up a stuffed animal]: I mean, is this what women really want?

Catherine: It's what men think women want. Like candy, it's sweet and hard to resist but sooner or later we just want some meat and potatoes.

Greg [imitating the stuffed animal talking]: All women I take out just order a salad.

Catherine [laughs]: God, I used to have drawers full of this crap from guys. Now, I just want a man that I can count on.

Brass [to Mr. Trent]: We have a warrant to search your house.

Mr. Trent: What's this about?

Sara: An overdue library book.

Sin City Blue [10.11]

Al Robbins: He's talking to you, isn't he?

Ray Langston: Yes. Sometimes I wish they would tell me more.

Al Robbins: Sometimes I wish they'd just shut up.

Donald Fiore: It was a mathematical certainty that a woman like that would report the assault or she would blackmail me for the rest of my life. So, the only logical thing to do was to kill her.

Greg Sanders: And you applied that same logic when Karen Jones showed up at your door?

Donald Fiore: You know what the stupid girl did? She, she pointed a gun at me and she demanded that I give her fifty thousand dollars for her friend's funeral.

Catherine Willows: Well, according to my math, the fifty thousand dollars that you saved is gonna cost you twenty years to life.

Donald Fiore: Wait. Look, I, I am a good man. I work hard. I love my wife. I contribute to society. I mean, these people, you deal with them all the time. And those girls? They were just, they were just worthless criminals.

Catherine Willows: No, they were human beings. You're the worthless criminal.

Long Ball [10.12]

Nick Stokes: You know, Ray, for somebody who doesn't like golf, you certainly seem to know an awful lot about it.

Ray Langston: It's not that I don't like golf. It's just that you have to focus your mind, practically every fiber of your being on a small white ball that you wanna hit just the right way, and then when you hit it, the feeling is exhilarating. And so you chase the small white ball all day, so that you can hit it exactly the same way. You chase that feeling. Kinda like cocaine. Not exactly the best hobby for an obsessive personality.

Nick Stokes: Yeah, people like that are better suited for a job in criminalistics, huh?

Internal Combustion [10.13]

Catherine: You don't look nearly busy enough.

Archie: Well, thank you. It is my gift to look relaxed while doing many things. Unlike Hodges, who has the ability to look overwhelmed while really doing nothing at all.

Sara: It's Cindy Warner's phone.

Nick: They say the only way to get a teenage girl away from her cell phone is to pry it from her cold dead hand.

Sara: Well, whoever they are, let's hope they're wrong.

Hodges: The suspect hides the murder weapon in plain sight, in her auto shop class. It's pretty sophisticated for a high school girl, right?

Wendy: Well, she's definitely more sophisticated than the ones you chat with on the Twilight message boards.

Catherine: When you're young, you think you're immortal and when you get older you just want to remember how that felt. Driving crazy fast on open road...

Nick: We're not getting that old, are we?

Unshockable [10.14]

Ray: I've seen access denied, but access restricted?

Sara: Denied is get lost. Restricted, that's like a fence you want to climb over.

Doc Robbins: Put down the saw! Step away from the guitar. You were about to commit murder on an immaculate '62 Fender jazz bass with the original factory paint.

Nick: So, what?

Doc Robbins: For someone from the Great State of Texas, you show very little respect for a true American art form.

Nick: Hey, just 'cause I'm from Texas doesn't mean I like country music.

Neverland [10.15]

Hodges: You know, I read something a while back. Said that the distance from home that the average parent would allow their 9 year old to wander had shrunk to a tenth of what it was when I was a kid.

Catherine: The world's a scarier place, that's for sure.

Hodges: Oh, I was terrified back then. But a boy who ventures out thinking the world isn't a place to hide from, shouldn't be proven wrong.

Lynn Stecker: If someone wanted to plant blood, they could do it in any crime scene. What kind of a monster would kill a kid to accomplish that?

Brass: The same kind of monster who couldn't just divorce Samantha Rose.

The Panty Sniffer [10.16]

Catherine: I know, just make sure no one enters the casino with vests, radios or uniforms. We can't have any mistakes.

Nick: Copy that. How's the stakeout going?

Catherine: Well, so far it's like watching bad porn.

Vartann: I just don't get these two idiots. They're born into money. They graduated good schools. Their daddies paid for it all.

Catherine: Sounds like you've got an issue with rich people.

Vartann: No. I got an issue with rich kids killing poor kids.

Ray: Can you tell us what you did after you had been ejected for the second time?

Clint: I hooked up with another buyer. Paid him to buy up Brenda's whole table. He dropped off the merchandise around 11... and I blissed out in my room for the rest of the night.

Nick: Holed up in your hotel room with a bunch of women's panties is not an alibi.

Clint: If you'd ever tried it, you'd know it was.

Vartann: [to Catherine] I always thought that I was... you know, better alone, you know? But I miss having someone to come home to. [after few seconds] I didn't mean to put you on the spot. Just wanted you to know.

Robbins: My uncle was obsessed with the smell of chocolate chip cookies. One day, my aunt came home and found him with his head in the oven. Thought he was committing suicide. She realised at that instant, the secret to a happy marriage: fresh baked cookies every day.

Ray: You're really kind of freaky, doc.

Robbins: Coming from you, I'll take that as a compliment.

Irradiator [10.17]

Hodges: And, uh, you can tell Homeland Security that the quantity of radioactive material in this is infinitesimal and poses no threat.

Catherine: Oh, you can tell them. Hang on a second. No. If-if the radiation source is infinitesimal, why are you wearing three lead aprons?

Hodges: Despite my aversion to children, sperm count.

Field Mice [10.18]

Wendy [to Hodges]: That's what you're doing, you're lying to children?

Hodges: It's a teaching exercise.

Wendy: It's an exercise in self-love.

Hodges: Just play along and be a role model, please?

Wendy: Uh, no. Why would I play along with you?

Hodges: Because if you can't even imagine yourself out in the field, how will you ever expect Ecklie to?

Guillermo: So why lie?

Wendy: I guess I'm afraid that maybe I'm gonna wake up one morning and I'm gonna think that I spent most of my life fighting crime in a test tube.

Guillermo: Just because something is the size of a molecule doesn't mean that it can't be filled with intrigue and excitement. CSIs gather the evidence, but analysis is really what gives it meaning. You need both to find the truth.

Hodges: You see, Wendy suspected what I was up to, and she was urging me to come clean. I swear, it'll never happen again. Mea culpa. [to Henry] Can you forgive me?

Catherine: [to Hodges] This is going to go on your permanent record. [to Henry] You got your confession. Happy?

Henry: Hmm.

Catherine: Nobody likes a snitch.

World's End [10.19]

David [walking in the sewer to get the body]: I think I bumped into every piece of dog poop and used condom in the city of Las Vegas.

Catherine: Oh, David, suck it up. [sees the body] There he is.

David: Yep, he's dead.

Officer Mitch: David, you think you have a hard job?

David: Well, Officer, I am the one who has to haul him out of here.

Brass: Okay, let me get this straight, you'd rather do the legwork on a next-of-kin notification you'd rather do that than slog around in the sewer looking for evidence? I mean, that-that is not the down and dirty Sara Sidle I used to know.

Sara: I like to know where haters come from.

Doc Robbins: A racist gets stabbed before he can drown. A lot of people would call that justice.

Ray: We still have to call it murder.

Greg [to Carl]: Okay, you don't have to talk if you don't want to. But if you're smart, you'll write down everything that happened that night. [slides a notepad and a pen over to him] In your own words, so at least we have your side of the story. [Carl writes something down, and slides the notepad over to Greg. It reads 'I want a layer.'] You want a layer?

Carl: It says lawyer, dude. Don't you know how to read?

Greg: Sounds like Shawn was really trying to change his life.

Catherine: Probably what got him killed.

Ray: It's always easier to , uh, embrace hatred than it is to leave it behind.

Take My Life, Please! [10.20]

David: When a man is dead, a man is dead. Why keep killing him?

Ray: Either you're very angry or you're having too much fun to stop.

Greg: It's hard to get a hair into his throat without intimate contact. But I guess you're never too old. Especially with the blue pill. In fact, I know guys my age who are using it. Guys who you know, need the boost. Other guys.

Lost & Found [10.21]

Ray: You know, Doc, I'm against the death penalty, except when it comes to people who kill children.

Doc Robbins: I think they should be tortured first and then guillotined.

Doctor Who [10.22]

Sara: I understand not wanting to share the details of your personal life with your co-workers. But when you don't share the fruits of your investigative work...

Catherine: No, he will from now on. He wasn't purposely shutting us out.

Greg: Look, I really like Ray. I think he's a great CSI. But if he doesn't trust us, how can we have his back?

Sara: And how can he have ours?

Catherine [to Ray]: You're not going to your scene anymore. You're going home.

Ray: You're suspending me?

Catherine: No, I'm diagnosing you. You got the whatever virus. Take a sick day.

Meat Jekyll [10.23]

Sara: I'll be back to give you a lift home?

Nick: Oh, no way. You're a terrible driver.

Wendy: How is he [Nick]?

Hodges: I'm assuming he's okay, because he wants us to bring him a pizza or he's gonna kick our asses.