CSI: Crime Scene Investigation (season 4)

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CSI: Crime Scene Investigation (2000–2015), usually referred to as CSI, is a dramatic television series about the Forensics Crime Lab in Las Vegas.

Assume Nothing [4.01]

[Grissom, after his ear surgery, hears the vibration of Catherine's cellphone against her bag]

Grissom: Your phone's ringing.

Catherine: You can hear that?...[Smiles] You're back.

Grissom: What?

[Nick sees Grissom examining the Magic Fingers]

Nick: Haven't you ever seen one of those before?

Grissom: Not in person, no.

Nick: Magic Fingers. Twenty-five cents for 15 minutes of vibration. Died a slow death in the '70s due to vandalism and seedy connotations. Good for sex. Good for sleep ... too.

Grissom: Good for us. Given the killer's appetite for sexual persuasion, maybe they blew the circuit. Overloaded it with coins.

Nick: And their prints on those coins.

All for Our Country [4.02]

Grissom: Linens and towels from The Sphere on top of the washing machine, and what I believe to be sheets from the motel inside the dryer. Both positive presumptive for blood.

Nick: Think they were being smart taking the sheets, or did they just get off sleeping on 'em?

Warrick: Either way, they were sick and dangerous.

Grissom: What does that say about whoever killed them?

Catherine: Whoa, this isn't half bad for college kids.

Sara: Yeah, why live in a one room flea bag when you can pool your resources and live like this.

Catherine: Hey how about it, you, me, Warrick, Nick, Grissom?

Sara: Oh, nah,(shakes her head) not Grissom.

[Catherine and Sara walk into the house. Water is pouring down, almost like it's raining, from the second story and the two police officers on scene are using umbrellas]

Catherine: What the hell is this?

Officer: Ma'am, you may want to take one of these. [The officer hands Sara an umbrella]

Sara: Thank you, thanks!

Catherine: Where's the body?

Officer: Upstairs.

Sara: Upstairs?

Officer: Yeah.

[long pause]

Catherine: It's raining MAN JUICE?

Sara: Hallelujah?

[One of the officers dashes over to give them two pairs of boots]

Officer: You might want to wear these.

Sara: Thank you.

Fromansky: Someday, you're going to need me or my buddies at a scene... and wouldn't you know it, we all hit traffic on the way.

Grissom: Is that how you do your job, officer?

Fromansky: Have a safe night.

Greg: So I ran the blood you found on the gun through CODIS... on my own time... of which I have precious little...

Grissom: Greg, why do you always trail off like that?

Greg: Because you make me nervous.

Sara: So who's the punk now... bitch?

Homebodies [4.03]

Grissom: Sun Tzu once said "If you wait by the river long enough, the bodies of your enemies will float by." [opens a door to find a mummified body] But those were brutal times.

Feeling the Heat [4.04]

Archie: You know, if I had my choice about how I was going to go out, it would not be electrocution. I think an aneurysm in my sleep, quick and painless.

Warrick: I like surprises.

Sara: Girl's out at the lake. She meets some random guy she knows nothing about and she goes off with him.

Hodges: She places herself in a bad situation.

Sara: And bad things happen.

Archie: Whoa-ho!

Warrick: What you got?

Archie: Ultimate power. I could program this bad boy to make me a cup of coffee.

Fur and Loathing [4.05]

Brass: Well, the rancher's going to get off, Linda's dead, and Wolfie... skates with a misdemeanor.

Catherine: We took one look at those furry suits and thought "foul play," but this was really just a domestic dispute gone mad.

Grissom: Fur and loathing in Las Vegas.

Catherine: Well, I like hairy chests, but I'm not about to bop a six-foot weasel!

[After finding civet oil and ipecac on the blue cat suit]

Greg:That's what you get when you eat...

Jackpot [4.06]

Lt. Brooks: You don't keep any secrets, Mr. Grissom? Not even from your wife?

Grissom: [amused] I used to. I'm trying to change.

Invisible Evidence [4.07]

Hodges: Hey, I heard about court today. Must have been embarrassing, huh?

Warrick: Hodges, why'd you leave L.A. again? Never mind, it's probably none of my business.

[Warrick is in the bathroom splashing water on his face. Catherine walks in]

Catherine: Hey you!

Warrick: Hey.

Catherine: How're you holding up?

Warrick: I'm fine.

Catherine: You sure?

Warrick: Yeah.

Catherine: You're in the women's bathroom.

Sara: Pin me down.

After the Show [4.08]

Greg: I understand why all these cadets are here. They have to be. But what's up with all these off-duty cops?

Catherine: Chance to be a hero. Girl's beautiful. These guys don't get many chances.

Greg: For what?

Catherine: To rescue a princess.

Grissom Versus the Volcano [4.09]

Grissom: Here comes the press. You're on. I wish I could help but I got a vehicle to process.

Sheriff Atwater: C'mon, Grissom. Bomb goes off and everyone thinks it's a hit. What do you think?

Grissom: I'm not thinkin'. I'm lookin'.

Sheriff Atwater: That's good. Can I use that?

Coming of Rage [4.10]

Construction Worker: Trade you a hammer for a screw.

Sara: Name please.

Construction worker: Tell you mine, you tell me yours. Uh, come on baby, stuck with these ugly fools all day, pretty girl comes by, just having a little fun.

Sara: Yeah, a murder always makes me feel a little randy too.

Sara: You're not a victim, you were a lure. Do you know how many people don't report a rape because they're afraid that no one will believe them?

Ashley: Of course. That's what I was counting on.

Sara: I'm gonna do everything in my power to make sure you're tried as an adult.

Ashley: Good luck. I dress up real nice. Couple barretts, little lace collar, two dead parents. I'll be the saddest little girl in the world.

Sara: Clothing, $85. Earrings, $30. Latte, $4. Getting away with murder...

Grissom: Priceless.

Eleven Angry Jurors [4.11]

Greg: No she didn't.

Sara: Greg, she told Warrick she put peanut butter in the chili.

Greg: I don't care if Mr. Peanut was taking a bath in the vic's lunch. It's not what killed him.

[A previously unseen stinger is pulled out of the victim's neck]

Grissom: Apis mellifera.

Sara: We're looking for another body.

Butterflied [4.12]

Gil Grissom: [as Vincent Lurie and his lawyer start to leave] It's sad, isn't it, doc? Guys like us. Couple of middle-aged men who've allowed their work to consume their lives. The only time we ever touch other people is when we're wearing our latex gloves. We wake up one day and realize that for fifty years we haven't really lived at all. But then, all of a sudden, we get a second chance. Somebody young and beautiful shows up. Somebody we could care about. She offers us a new life with her, but we have a big decision to make, right? Because we have to risk everything we've worked for in order to have her. I couldn't do it, but you did. You risked it all and she showed you a wonderful life, didn't she? But then she took it away and gave it to somebody else and you were lost. So you took her life. You killed them both, and now you have nothing.

Dr. Vincent Lurie: I'm still here.

Gil Grissom: Are you?

Suckers [4.13]

Grissom: Sara?

Sara: Hmm?

Grissom: Do you have any duct tape in your kit?

Sara: Yeah, that's what I use to keep it together.

[Grissom fishes the body out of the pool and discovers that it is a mannequin.]

Grissom: This is not a crime scene.

[Alarms go off, Grissom and Brass enter the building to find broken glass, the Japanese sword missing and the security guard tied to a chair with duct tape over his mouth.]

Grissom: This is a crime scene

Nick: [Nick puts tape over the finger print on the handle of a supposedly priceless samurai sword. When Nick pulls the tape to lift the fingerprint, it tears off part of the handle.] Grissom...how good is our insurance?

Paper or Plastic? [4.14]

Officer Formansky: Before this goes any deeper I wanna hear it from you, are you gonna try and screw me on this? [Grissom doesn't say anything] Well?

Grissom: Well, I guess that depends on whether or not I get stuck in traffic on the way to your hearing.

Early Rollout [4.15]

Catherine: We're mid-case. Why do we have to do this now?

Grissom: Well, unless I get this evaluation in, I'm gonna get written up.

Catherine: Okay. My goals...Oh, all right, okay, for starters, I'd like two consecutive nights off. I would like to cut my triples down to 10 instead of the usual 20, and I would love to find a reliable babysitter so I could have myself some kind of a personal life.

Grissom: You don't have a personal life?

Catherine: Write this down: I haven't had sex in six - no, seven months!

[Grissom stops writing on the evaluation and he looks at her]

Grissom: How can I help?

[Catherine's eyes widen]

Grissom: You... Advance, I mean. You... have any interest in changing sections in the lab? For instance.

Catherine: Gil, how do you do this? Honestly, how do you juggle scheduling and vacations and time...

Grissom: The goal of any supervisor is to teach someone to take his place someday.

Catherine: Are you goin' some place?

Grissom: You never know.

Catherine: Are you considering me?

Grissom: Why not? You're certainly qualified. [She gets up to leave] But a CSI who uses the DNA lab to establish her own paternity calls into question her judgement. Don't you think?

[He hands her the evaluation to sign and she thumbs through it]

Catherine: You left that out. Ar-are you covering for me?

Grissom: I believe that we dealt with this issue, handled it internally. As far as I'm concerned it's dead. And besides you'll never do it again. So, just sign your name by the red X.

Catherine: Before I sign, um... since we're putting all of our cards on the table there's something you should know, Sam Braun wrote me a check and I cashed it.

Grissom: For how much?

Catherine: Enough where Lindsey and I can do anything, and not enough to where we can do nothing.

Grissom: Sam Braun was a suspect in one of your murder cases, how does this not look like a pay off?

Catherine: I consulted a lawyer. It's a check from a father to a daughter it is completely out of departmental jurisdiction.

Grissom: What about conflict of interest? Not just for you but for this lab.

Catherine: Gil, I would never you or the lab.

Grissom: [Cutting her off and getting angry] Maybe not legally, but ethically? [She sighs and looks at her lap and then back at him] What else should I know, Catherine?

Catherine: That's everything. [She signs the sheet and leaves]

Brass: Hey, look what I found. A knife with blood on it.

Grissom: Look what I found. Dead guy.

Getting Off [4.16]

[Analyzing the boxers found on the victim]

Catherine: Alright, what do those look like to you?

Greg: Semen stains.

Catherine:: Yeah.

Greg: Which on a man's underwear aren't exactly probative.

Catherine: No.

Greg: I can't tell you how long they've been there or how often the guy changes his shorts. You know, I knew guys who could go up to four days on one single pair of tighty-whiteys.

Catherine: Thanks for puttin' that picture in my brain.

Greg: The gods of CODIS have blessed us with a hit.

XX [4.17]

[Drawing a sample from a cadaver's bladder]

Doc Robbins: Urine... you're out.

Catherine: Home pregnancy test, huh?

Doc Robbins: It's about 10 times cheaper than the brand sold by our medicial supply company. But just as accurate.

Catherine: Eye on the bottom line. I find that very---

Doc Robbins: Sexy?

Catherine: Prudent. But that was a good try.

Doc Robbins: Ah, plus sign. You know what that means.

Catherine: Who's yo daddy?

Bad to the Bone [4.18]

Brass: It's not as bad as it looks.

Sheriff Atwater: It never looks good when a suspect dies in custody.

(A little after Grissom was attacked by a suspect)

Catherine: You okay?

Grissom:: I'm fine. (she turns his head to the right to see his neck injury)

Catherine: Nasty. Kinda looks like a hickey. (Grissom makes a face and pushes her hand away) You wanna tell me what got this party started?

Grissom: I scraped his nails.

Catherine: That's it?

(After finding a body in the ground)

Warrick: What do you think, Grissom? Been down here at least 3 years? (Grissom sniffs, around it)

Grissom: It's probably more than 3 years.

Brass: You're kiddin' me, right?

Grissom: Rule of thumb is if the skull smells bad it's usually under 3 years. But this one smells like dirt.

Bad Words [4.19]

Warrick Brown: You know, Sam, that word that you wrote on the floor ... You know, that's a really bad word.

Sam Abernathy: I hear it all the time. My grandma says it. My mom says it. And my sister says it. Well, she used to say it.

Dead Ringer [4.20]

[Grissom is driving next to Catherine who's running. The title theme from Chariots of Fire is playing from the SUV]

Catherine: [out of breath] What the hell kind of music is that?

Grissom: Inspiration.

Catherine: Sedative!

Grissom: Okay. [Grissom changes the song to a country one.] How's this?

Catherine: How 'bout something that doesn't twang?

[Grissoms changes it to "Are You Gonna Be My Girl?" by Jet]

Mendez: I just made Lieutenant. I've got nothing to prove.

Catherine: A man with nothing to prove. Now that would be a first.

Mendez: Those the best you got? [He points over to Grissom and Catherine]

Brass: Yeah, yeah, you got lucky.

Mendez: Well, if they're not I'll fly mine in.

Brass: Let me put it to you this way - I'd want them investigating my murder.

Warrick: This is, like, a two- $300 la Perla Nightie, ripped to shreds.

Sara: Oh, looks comfortable.

Warrick: It's not designed to stay on that long.

David [to Greg]: So, how was your run?

Greg: I'm still alive.

(When a corpse found on the roadside turns out to be a LAPD SES officer)

Catherine: So much for the race.

Grissom: At least we didn't come last.

(After Grissom pulls the SUV off of the road during her run)

Catherine: What are you taking a leak? The follow car is supposed to stay with the runner! We've been training for months, man. 20 C.S.I.s, 120 miles.

Grissom: Don't blame me. Blame him. (shines his flashlight on a corpse)

Grissom: Sooner or later, everybody gets replaced.

Mendez: Talk to me when it happens to you.

Catherine: How many cops are in town this weekend?

Grissom: Twenty thousand. And the road is closed to civilians.

Catherine: Spring break with a badge. Well, this ought to be fun. Every suspect's in law enforcement.

Doc Robbins: Well, the race isn't the only reason these guys come to town. It's a good party.

Grissom: Too much running, too much partying?

Doc Robbins: L.A. S-E-S. They go all out.

Grissom: Work hard, play hard, die young, leave a good-looking corpse.

Will: If I'm going to kill a guy, I'm not going to do it with twenty thousand cops around.

Catherine: Well ... sounds like you've been giving it some serious thought.

Will: Well, every cop does. My way? A sniper shot ... two hundred meters out. Coleman'd never even hear the "am" in "blam."

Mrs. Senteno: I married a cop. With that comes alcohol and women to take the edge off. First time ... he said it meant nothing. He promised never to do it again. By the third time ... I told him to stop confessing. I wasn't going anywhere.

Sara: Don't ask, don't tell.

Mrs. Senteno: I wasn't willing to trade my family for the flavor of the month. That doesn't make me pathetic.

Brass: Will Marshall, this is Catherine Willows, from the Crime Lab.

Will: There's something very wrong in the world if a woman like you is only handling test tubes.

Catherine: If you think that's all I handle, you're not as smart as you think.

Turn of the Screws [4.21]

Grissom: This is the first time a roller coaster has derailed in Clark County. Huge criminal and civil liabilities issues, so keep it quiet. Photograph the scene. Bag and tag the detritus. Forklift anything bigger than Greg. We're going to put up a tent on the other side of the parking lot for crime scene reconstruction. Questions?

Greg: Yeah. What's that guy doing so far away from the others?

Grissom: Curious, isn' t it? [walks away]

Greg: So when he asks if anybody has any questions he's not really asking?

Grissom: There are three things in human life that are important, the first is to be kind, the second one is to be kind and the third one is to be kind.

Sara: Henry James.

Grissom: Very good, author of one of the greatest horror stories ever written, Turn of the Screw, and I'm looking for one.

Sara: A screw?

Grissom: Yes.

Greg: I found something a little unusual for a roller coaster. Not a sailor but a...

Sara: Semen. Sex on the roller coaster?

Greg: Or some kid shaking hands with Shorty.

Grissom: The release of epinephrine and adrealine while riding a roller coaster can produce a stimlatory effect. It enhances ejaculation.

Greg: Right.

Nick: Shoots my theory to hell. Nobody tampers with their sex machine.

No More Bets [4.22]

Grissom: I thought that Nick was the best candidate for the position.

Sara: Why?

Grissom: Because he didn't care whether he got the job or not.

Sara: That's a stupid reason.

Sam Braun: Some people in this town think I'm a murderer.

Catherine: Some people in this town know you're a murderer.

Warrick: They used to tell me back in the day that if you were caught cheating you'd get a couple whacks on the hand with a ball peen hammer.

Doc Robbins: Ow.

Warrick: Second time you got caught you'd lose a limb.

Doc Robbins: Third time?

Warrick: A long walk in the desert with a shovel.

Sam Braun: I'm curious. What bothers you more? The fact that you couldn't pin a murder on me....or that Catherine cashed my check? [Grissom gives him a look] There were no strings on that money.

Bloodlines [4.23]

Sara: Hey, hey, Nick, Congratulations on your almost promotion. Seriously, you deserved it.

Nick: Wow, that's really hard for you isn't it?

Sara: Yeah, it is.

Grissom: Maybe rape is just foreplay for this guy. Maybe what he really gets off on is killing.

Grissom: That's not what the evidence says.

Catherine: Well, maybe the evidence is wrong.

Grissom: You can be wrong, I can be wrong, but the evidence is just the evidence.

[When Grissom wants a blood sample]

Todd Coombs: This is harassment. I've already given you guys a DNA sample.

Grissom: You know that bone marrow donation you gave to your brother? I checked your medical records, his body rejected it and he died. I'm guessing that's when you found out about your unique condition.

Todd Coombs: The doctors explained it. I'm a creature of myth.

Grissom: A chimera. The head of a lion, body of a goat, tail of a dragon. You're a genetic anomaly. One person, two completely different sets of DNA.

Officer (referring to Sara): She's lucky she wasn't on the strip; that's highway patrol's jurisdiction. She blew .09. Technically she's over, but they just lowered the limit so we cut her a break and didn't book her. But we did have to call the supervisor. (Grissom and the Officer enter the waiting room where Sara is)

Grissom: Well, thank you. I appreciate the courtesy.

Officer: No problem. (Grissom walks over to Sara, sits down next to her, and squeezes her hand)

Grissom: C'mon, I'll take you home.

Sara: What?

Grissom: How many vacation days do you have on the books?

Sara: About ten weeks, I guess. Why?

Grissom: I think you should take a week or two.

Sara: I'm still on the case. I just didn't do the interview for once in my life. When was the last time that you took a vacation, never, right?

Grissom: Okay.

Greg: Grissom, I have some information that'll be of a use to you but before you get it, I need a decision.

Grissom: What?

Greg: I'm tired of being on the fence here. Either I'm in the lab or I'm in the field. Which is it?

Grissom: Well, as soon as you can find and train a replacement, you can be in the field. Until then I need you in the lab. Now give.