CSI: Crime Scene Investigation (season 9)

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CSI: Crime Scene Investigation (2000–2015), usually referred to as CSI, is a dramatic television series about the Forensics Crime Lab in Las Vegas.

For Warrick [9.1]

Ecklie: [arriving at Warrick's crime scene] Gil, how do you wanna handle this?

Grissom: I want us to do this, Conrad. I want Nick and Catherine on the car.

Ecklie: [softly] Okay.

Nick: I feel sorry for whoever did this.

Catherine: [finishes her phone call and walks over to Grissom and Ecklie] Greg's coming back from the airport, I told him to go straight to the lab. (pauses) We're gonna have to take your clothes to get processed.

Ecklie: I'll drive ya.

Grissom: I'm gonna go with Warrick.

Greg: I.. uh, need to do something.

Grissom: You could, uh, pick up Warrick's clothes from the coroner.

Grissom: He didn't wanna go, Sara.

Sara: (pause) Tell me.

Grissom: I was holding him. ... God, I could feel his life, ... I guess I felt that if I could hold him tight enough, he'd be okay.

Sara: You know that there is no place in the world that he would have rather been at the end. ... He loved you.

Grissom: [holding back tears] Yeah, I loved him. [Catherine comes in and sees Sara, Sara walks up to her and hugs her]

Sara: [while hugging Catherine] I'm so sorry.

Catherine: It's so good that we can all be together. [Greg and Nick walk in and Sara hugs them both]

Greg: I'm glad you're here.

Sara: Look, um, maybe I can pick up some of the slack. I... I know I can't work the case, but maybe I can make some of the, uh... arrangements.

Grissom: That'd be great.

Greg: I'll help you.

Sara: I'd appreciate that.

Nick: You know, since his grandmother passed, we were the only family that he had. He once told me that he'd like to be buried next to her.

Grissom: I went to her funeral with Warrick. She's, uh, buried at the Baptist cemetery on Eastern.

Sara: We're gonna need, uh, a key, I guess to his place.

Catherine: I've got one. I... went over to his place and got him some fresh clothes when he was in custody.

Nick: Warrick was right about Gedda and he was right about the department. [looks at everyone then at Grissom] Let's finish this for him.

Undersheriff McKeen: I know that you and Warrick were close, and I don't want you to think that I had it in for the guy.

Brass: Why would I think that, Jeff?

Undersheriff McKeen: I don't know... Maybe I'm feelin' guilty. I thought Brown was a bad apple. I was certain that he killed Gedda. And I was wrong. I know it's a little late for apologies but I-I... I just wanted to tell 'ya.

Brass: Hey, we all have regrets. I thought he killed Gedda, too. You know what the last thing that I told him was?

Undersheriff McKeen: No.

Brass: "I hope you remember how lucky you are." Some luck, huh?

Undersheriff McKeen: Thanks.

Sara: You know, after being in so many victim's houses, I never left my house without making the bed and taking out the trash, just in case I didn't come home.

Greg: What about now?

Sara: Since I left Vegas, I don't do that anymore.

'[Sara and Grissom are watching the DVD of Warrick's custody hearing]

Woman: [to Warrick] So what makes you think that you'd be a good father? You were raised by your grandmother. You never even knew your biological father.

Warrick: Which is exactly why Eli needs to know his. Look, the most important thing you need to know about how to raise a child is how give a child love, and I've been loved. He says I've always tried to be a good man, and I've screwed up. And when I have there's always been one man in my life to set me straight. I've learned a lot from him, how to be fair, how to forgive, ... how to be inspired, how to inspire others.

Woman: Sounds like a special person.

Warrick: He is. If I could've picked my own father, I'da picked him. [Grissom is clearly touched and saddened at the same time]

Grissom: There's no way that McKeen could've heard those shots. So why did he say that he did? He also implied that he saw Pritchard running away from Warrick's car.

Brass: But he never said that it was Pritchard.

Grissom: He led us to believe that though.

Brass: [sighs] You know when I first came to Vegas over twenty years ago... I haven't thought about this in a while, Jeff McKeen was a detective then. He invited us all to Mt. Charleston to his cabin, you know, all the new guys, have a barbeque, cook some steaks, have a few drinks, get to know each other, you know?. And it was a nice place, you know, but not too nice for detective pay. I mean, my radar's already up I came from Jersey, you know, guys took more than they gave, and they made it an art form, how not to push it, how not to make it showy, you know. Anyway, Jeff is sizing me up, he's sniffing around, he's telling me how great Vegas is, how great it'd be for my career... But I let him know, without bustin' his balls that I wasn't in a game, I wasn't for sale and it's a good thing that I took a look around up there at Mt. Charleston because I never got invited again, no more barbeques for me.

Grissom: First witness at the scene is the first suspect, right?

Brass: Right.

Grissom: When I told Warrick that Pritchard had framed him, he said that Gedda's mole had to have been higher up on the food chain. If I were McKeen I would worry that Warrick would never let it go.

[Flashback]

Brass: Let's say that McKeen saw the interview video. The time that Warrick left the PD to the time that Warrick got killed was like an hour, hour and a half. Is that enough time to frame Pritchard? For all we know Pritchard's not even in Vegas.

Grissom: Yeah, but if Pritchard gets picked up somewhere else, that gives him an alibi, and McKeen is screwed.

Brass: Unless he knows exactly where Pritchard is.

McKeen: [after Nick finds him] Thank god you're here. I was tryin' to bring Pritchard in.

Nick: Shut up.

McKeen: He got the drop on me, he grabbed my gun, I lost control...

Nick: [points his gun at McKeen] I said shut up!

McKeen: Okay, you wanna know why I did it? Warrick had a big mouth. You know, I just shot him. I'd try to warn him, but he was just too stupid to listen. You know, when I shot him, he had a big smile on his face. I told him that he could keep his job, I didn't have the heart to fire him. [laughs]

Nick: Shut up.

McKeen: You were his friend. What kinda friend are you?! Shoot me, you son of a bitch! [[Nick is shaking, screen shows Brass running though the woods, Brass hears a shot and runs over to Nick, who is stand over McKeen]

Brass: Nick...

Nick: McKeen has a gunshot wound to the stomach, he's lost a lot of blood, we should get the Med-Evac helicopter here ASAP.

Brass: What was that shot?

Nick: A miss.

Grissom: [at Warrick's funeral] As crime scene investigators, we meet people on the worst day of their lives. They've just lost a family member, somebody they loved, often in a horrible way. A piece of their heart is gone, and will never be replaced. The phrase we're trained to offer them, "I'm sorry for your loss", as we know now, doesn't offer much. Warrick Brown was a young boy when his parents passed away. Much too young to learn that life can be so tragically short. But I think that it taught him how precious life is, and so he lived his life to the fullest, each day as if it was his last day. I was with Warrick on his last day. All the qualities that defined him, his tenaciousness, his deep sense of loyalty, his courage to risk his life for what he knew was right, all those traits were with him on that last day. Just before he died, we were all having breakfast together. Our team. His friends. His family. And Warrick was... he was ... (sobs) I'm going to miss him so much.

The Happy Place [9.2]

Nick: What's with the bikini?

Catherine: Maybe she wanted to leave a good looking corpse.

Archie: I got a pretty good timeline on Paula Bonfilio. At 4:15pm, a hold was placed on Paula's credit card by the Tangiers Casino Day Care.

Grissom: Casino day care, there's the fifth sign of the Apocalypse.

Art Imitates Life [9.3]

Catherine: Autopsy report. Cause of death, cardiac arrest.

Nick: That's coroner speak for "I can't explain what killed her."

Catherine: No organ damage, no disease, no trauma, this was a perfectly healthy young woman.

Nick: Yeah, 'til she dropped dead without dropping.

Doc Robbins: [upon seeing Riley shine a UV light over her teeth] Well, I always thought it was cool that teeth fluoresced but veneers didn't. How'd you get them?

Riley: Somebody bet me that I couldn't jump into a lake with a rope swing in my mouth.

Doc Robbins: And that pulled the teeth out?

Riley: No, but it sure did hurt my neck. On the way home I hit a fire hydrant.

Doc Robbins: And you bumped the steering wheel with your mouth?

Riley: No, I was on my bike at the time. I flew over the hydrant and crashed into the cross bar of a chain link fence.

Doc Robbins: With your mouth?

Riley: My shoulder, broke my clavicle.

Doc Robbins: Okay then, how'd you lose the teeth?

Riley: [points to each tooth] This one was a root canal. This one a post and a crown. And this one I uh, I was in college, I woke up one morning and it was gone. I don't know what happened to it.

Grissom: We got a serial killer, Greg, and he's working at the pace of one body per day.

Greg: Great. Somethin' to look forward to tomorrow.

Riley: [while searching the victim's apartment] The naughty drawer.

Catherine: What?

Riley: [picks up a bag of weed that's in the drawer and sniffs it] Hydroponic, medical grade, put-you-on-your-ass, send-you-to-dreamy-land weed. Nurses always got the good stuff. [smells the weed again]

Catherine: Uh, I take it you're aware of the lab's random drug testing policy?

Riley: Oh yeah, I got a bottle of clean urine in my locker just in case. I'm kidding.

Catherine: [laughs awkwardly] Good one. Here, I'll bag it. [Catherine smells it before she bags it]

Brass: Do you know Carla Perotti?

Jerzy: Who?

Brass: Carla Perotti!

Jerzy: Oh, yeah. She was one of my models, she's a lovely girl. [looks at the picture] That's a cheap imitation of my work.

Brass: Well, you have to take it up with the coroner because she's dead for real.

Brass: Maybe you, uh, maybe you bumped into him at a grocery store or something.

Jerzy: I don't go out. I don't shop. I don't bump.

Brass: But you do paint dead people.

Jerzy: I paint people who look dead, and you would weep if you knew how much I make doing that. If you haven't noticed our culture seems to be obsessed with sex and death.

Brass: I've noticed.

Jerzy: I'm gonna save you some time because I know what's on your mind. I don't kill my models. I don't even bang them much anymore, occasionally, of course, but I find not with same gusto and verve with as the days go by.

Brass: You bang Carla Perotti?

Jerzy: I'm not doing women.

Brass: You mind if I look around?

Jerzy: I'd like to paint you in the nude.

Brass: I don't do nude. Where would I pin the badge?

Jerzy: Exactly.

Catherine: Lividity says the victims died in the positions in which they were discovered.

Riley: So, what does that mean? That the killer's using some sort of gas chamber?

Grissom: I think so. He lures someone back to his place, slips them a sedative, then re-dresses and positions the bodies inside a sealed container, waits for the carbon monoxide to go to work. Once the bodies are in full rigor, he's got about ten hours to place them and have them discovered.

Nick: Now that we know the recipe, let's find the cook.

Patricia Alwick: Dr. Grissom! May I have a word with you?

Grissom: Yes, of course. Come in.

Patricia Alwick: I wonder why it is you hold what I do in such obvious contempt?

Grissom: Excuse me?

Patricia Alwick: The last time we spoke, you mentioned that you were having problems with Hank. Now, out of concern for you and because I take my job very seriously, I started asking around.

Grissom: Oh...

Patricia Alwick: And was met with a mixture of bafflement and smirks by most of your staff until David Hodges took pity on me and informed me that Hank was your dog.

Grissom: I apologize. It was a serious question.

Patricia Alwick: Oh, really?

Grissom: For the last few weeks my dog's been listless, barely eats, and I just wondered that if you thought it was possible that pets could take on the emotion of their owners?

Patricia Alwick: Well, companion animals were bred to respond to human beings. At some level, I do believe that they resonate with what their owners are feeling. So, what are you feeling?

Grissom: I've just been a little distracted lately. Uh, having a hard time focusing on the details.

Patricia Alwick: That's normal.

Grissom: Not for me. [pause] I wondered if you knew, typically how long this lasts?

Patricia Alwick: There's no typical. Days, weeks, sometimes years, the important thing is to acknowledge it, but you do have to talk about it, and if not with me, then with somebody else and soon.

Jerzy: [flipping the pictures facedown on the table] I can't stand looking at inferior art. It sears into my consciousness like bad Mexican food.

Brass: He's ready to talk but only to someone who understands his work. I'm ready to slap him around, but I figured you could show some restraint.

Grissom: I'll try.

Let It Bleed [9.4]

Catherine: [to a group of girls] Finish puberty somewhere else, me and Mr. Big here need to talk.

Grissom: Does she have many friends?

Emilina: Money buys you a lot of people, but, but not a lot of friends.

Hodges: Oh, hey! Gil! So I scored two tickets to this Alec Knight lecture. He's of course, you know, challenging the Russian claim that the Romonov remains found at Yekaterinburg are authentic. [Grissom looks slightly confused] Open bar.

Grissom: Are you asking me out?

Hodges: Is that a yes?

Leave Out All The Rest [9.5]

Hodges: My shoes are ruined. Why didn't you tell me to wear boots? Or better yet, hire some more CSIs.

Catherine: Trust me, you were my last choice.

Hodges: Thank you.

Henry: Ran tox on hamburger head, lows levels of THC and alcohol. For what it's worth I don't think he was injecting weed or beer into his nipples. Although, this, uh, one time Hodges and I were growing botox and he goes and he injects it...

Catherine: It's okay Henry, I don't need to know anymore.

[Grissom walks out of the room.]

Catherine: You're a doctor, is that normal?

Robbins: Grissom being socially awkward? Yeah, that's normal.

Say Uncle [9.6]

Greg: If you speak English now would be a good time to start...

Suspect: If it's going to get me out of here quicker, I'll be William freaking Shakespeare.

Grissom: (about the victim) Attractive girl, on drugs, on the street, with an ex-con, and no I.D.

Doc Robbins: Sounds like a street hooker.

Grissom: Yeah. But not someone who pays for plastic surgery.

Doc Robbins: Ah, well, maybe it's a business investment, courtesy of her pimp.

Catherine: So this guy gets out of jail and under the running time of The Godfather, he's dead.

Riley: Well, a lot of people die at the end of Godfather.

Bob: One of my video analysts caught news of your double in Koreatown and recognized the male vic while scanning one of our video feeds from a unrelated shoplifting investigation.

Brass: Wow.

Catherine: Video analyst?

Bob: Yeah, why what do you call 'em?

Catherine: Wow. You've got some really great cameras.

Bob: As good as any on the strip. In fact our crime lab is better equipped than most in the country.

Catherine: Now, that's a crime.

Catherine: Our girl's done time. Three months for prostitution.

Greg: Three months, that's pretty harsh for Vegas.

Catherine: Prostitution with HIV.

Greg: Oh, that's like pointing a gun and pulling the trigger.

Greg: Nothing says 'I love you' like processed sugar.

Nick: I know this seems like a simple trash hut, but it could make or break the case. The sooner we find this stuff, the sooner we're gonna find this kid. So, don't be afraid to get your hands dirty. (notices Hodges not walking with them) Hodges, come on man, I know you're not nuts about the field but I didn't bring you all the way out here to just stand around, you know what I mean?

Hodges: Can I see you for a second?

Nick: What?

Hodges: You can work hard (opens up a trash bin right by the crime scene) or you can work smart. (Nick pulls out a bag from Dempsey's department store) Can I go now?

Brass: I just got faxed Sung Bang's prison record, and there's something weird on his personal release form. Listen to this, the guy left prison with a 9mm.

Grissom: They let him out of jail with a gun?

Brass: Well, it's only a misdemeanor, y'know, it's like a hotel, you get back what you checked in.

Grissom: So, you can go out and commit a felony?

Brass: Apparently.

Riley: How do we know Cora wasn't packing? The father of her son was a gangster, she was living with a gangster, I wouldn't put it past her.

Grissom: Well, let's see. [grabs the vic's jeans]

Riley: Most woman's clothes don't have a place to hide a gun, that's uh, that's what purses are for.

Grissom: You think they shot each other

Riley: Why not? There's motive. The evidence suggests it.

Grissom: Where are their guns?

Riley: Dead man with a gun in the hood, gone in sixty seconds. Jin skips town because this family dispute uncovers his once invisible gang. He leaves the booby trap because he's angry about it.

Grissom: It's possible. It's also possible that Jin shot both vics. Which is what the kid said and he was the closest witness.

Riley: If your uncle and your mother shot each other, you would probably blame the gang banger too.

Grissom: Okay, pilgrim. We'll settle this on the street.

Grissom: The kid shot his mother for shooting his uncle.

Brass: So you think Jin had nothing to do with it?

Grissom: Not the shooting.

Brass: Well, it makes sense. His uncle was trying to protect him and his mother was torturing him.

Grissom: Park never controlled anything in his life till he fired that gun.

Brass: An HIV-positive eight-year-old. No wonder no-one wanted to talk. Juvie may be the best thing for him. He'll get the care he needs there.

Grissom: Yeah. I'm sorry we solved this. I really am.

Woulda, Coulda, Shoulda [9.7]

Nick: Take a couple of high school kids, put 'em in a fast car, add a few beers and a driver with a lead foot. Throw in an unexpected obstacle and the rules of physics and what you get is a very abrupt end to a party on wheels.

Cavaliere: You just described my whole senior year, which admittedly ended better than theirs.

Robbins: You want COD on Janelle Rowe?

Riley: Bullet to the head?

Robbins: Exsanguination from transection of the jugular by a .38 caliber round, if you please.

Hodges: Was treated hardwood and white ash; known for its durable bending quality and hardness. Not unlike me.

Catherine: You didn't learn anything in sensitivity training, did you?

Hodges: I took what I needed and I left the rest.

[Nick and Hodges are playing Mailbox Baseball in the parking garage]

Catherine: Nicky, for God's sake, are you trying to break your arm?

Nick: Don't sweat it, I tried it on the dummy first. Didn't break his arm, it's not gonna break mine.

Hodges: It became clear during our experiments that it would take something far more massive than an aluminum mailbox to generate the force necessary to cause the fracture in the victims arm.

Nick: We're thinking telephone pole, sign post, I'm gonna go back to the crime scene and check it out.

Catherine: Then why are you guys still in here smashing mailboxes?

Hodges: Because it's fun. My turn!

Young Man With A Horn [9.8]

Hodges: Well it looks like they're a cute couple, I give you that, but what I don't get is why anybody wants to watch that show. I don't, it's a talent contest? It's more like a humiliation ritual.

Archie: Well you'd know about that.

Hodges: Specific type of asbestos called Amicide. Its particles are bound together by vermiculite and cellulose, the combination found in spray-on ceilings, that type of ceiling material hasn't been used in 20 or 30 years. You know, it's as if you victim found a hole in the time-space continuum and was murdered decades ago.

Grissom: Brilliant theory, Dave. Thanks.

19 Down [9.9]

Langston: If you're going to waste our time on playing games and phony remorse, I'll pull the plug right now!

Nate: Okay, honesty it is then. I didn't like your book. Too technical and too depressing.

Grissom: So, let's assume that 'shoe print' was involved in all four murders. It's possible he knew, Gerald, right? Is it also possible that he was an accomplice of D.J.K.?

Greg: That would explain the 9 post-mortem stab wounds in Ian Wallace. It's a continuation of the master's work.

Catherine: But if he was D.J.K.'s helper, back in the day, why go quiet for 10 years and then suddenly start killing again?

Greg: Maybe he was doing time?

Catherine And when he realized that his old partner turned informant, he got scared and killed him.

Grissom: Maybe that's what brought the old thrill back. Once these guys get a taste, it never seems to go away.

One To Go [9.10]

Grissom: I need a favor. It's something you're going to have to clear with the Sheriff.

Ecklie: What do you have bugs in my office?

Grissom: No. I have bugs in my office.

Ecklie: What?

Grissom: What are we talking about?

Hallie: Do you always keep tabs on your wife?

Brass: Yeah, that's why I'm divorced.

The Grave Shift [9.11]

Robbins: I was just about to dissect his trachea. Care to do the honors?

Langston: It's been a while since I cut.

Robbins: It's like destroying a bicycle. Come on.

Disarmed And Dangerous [9.12]

Miles: Agent Stanley, would you give us a moment alone? Please.

[Agent Stanley leaves the room]

Brass: How long have you two been working together?

Miles: Feels like forever.

Howard: Let me get this straight. You guys bust my company for selling roits, give everybody else a chance to plead out for easy time so the DA can make an example out of me because I'm, me personally, I'm corrupting the very fabric of American sports. You ruined my life, and now you want me to help you?

Brass: That pretty much sums it up, yeah.

Howard: Screw you.

Deep-Fried and Minty-Fresh [9.13]

Dave: Rigor's began to set. And her live temp is 93 degrees. Which means she's been dead three to five hours.

Vartann: You want to bet that that's about the time the husband started drinking.

Nick: I think he might have got whacked in the head with a wet-floor sign.

Robbins: So much for safety in the workplace.

[Doc Robbins squeezes an ulcer and lots of blue pus comes out.]

Catherine: Death by Smurf? Have you ever seen anything like this?

Miscarriage Of Justice [9.14]

Riley: Your husband's note, whatever it says it's... it's not going to take away your doubts or your questions. Some people just can't be saved.

Kill Me If You Can [9.15]

Ray: Wealthy art dealer comes out for a late night swim. Somebody's there who shouldn't be...

Wendy: That is a whole lot of face-smashing. You think it was a crime of passion?

Ray: That is what it takes to make great art.

Brass: Miss Farrell, were you aware that Mr. Pennington withdrew over $100,000 from his bank account yesterday?

Darcy: Um, why? Uh, no, I didn't know anything about that.

Brass: Then this will be a short visit.

Ray: I found bloodstains on Miss Farrell's party dress.

Brass: Oh.

Ray: It's been washed.

Darcy: I look great in that dress. I wanted to wear it out tonight, so I had to clean it. It was dirty.

Brass: Those incriminating DNA stains can be so hard to get out.

Hodges: [About a tortoise with a suspect's fingerprint on it] I wonder if he's a rare species, because I read that African tortoises can be worth as much as $10,000.

Mandy: Please hurry, okay? Because he's been traumatized enough already.

Hodges: He's a material witness in a homicide investigation.

Mandy: I meant traumatized by you.

Turn, Turn, Turn [9.16]

Haley: But I told her forensics is just science, you know? It's what you go to school for and... But you don't look like my chem teacher.

Nick: Thanks, I think.

[Greg walks in as Haley leaves.]

Greg: You do know, uh, crime scene's in the next room? I always look for the yellow tape.

No Way Out [9.17]

Ray: I need side-arm clearance and I've got to take a look at the tactical manual again, these codes are very, very confusing.

Nick: Ah, the most important signal's a code 4.

Ray: Situation secure. Code 4.

Greg: Second most important: 4-82.

Ray: I know this, 4-82 is... What is it?

Greg: Lunch!

Mascara [9.18]

Sylvia: Shouldn't you be out catching bad guys?

Ray: Shouldn't you be working on your thesis?

The Descent of Man [9.19]

Deputy Sheriff: But I'm telling ya, this is a crime. Look, I know the jumper, alright? Pierre Delongue and I served together in the French Foreign Legion. What? It's a real thing.

Bird Watcher: What a lonely place to die.

Ray: What place isn't, my friend? What place isn't?

George: Oh no. There is no death, only transmogrification.

Brass: Well that's a relief.

George: It is better to be agreeable than to be right.

Brass: That's not religion, that's marriage.

A Space Oddity [9.20]

Collectibles Dealer: We're talking about a piece of television history. The actual space force microprobe Commander Artemis Bishop used to subdue the alien Gorth in the season two finale of Astro Quest. And it can all be yours for just $750.

Hodges: 750? Do I look like an idiot to you?

[Scene cuts to Hodges walking with the space force microprobe.]

Hodges: [Calls Brass on his cell phone.] It's Hodges.

Brass: Who?

Hodges: From trace. We have a situation at the Whatifitcon.

Brass: The Whatifit-what? How'd you get this number?

Hodges: I cloned Grissom's cell phone for a work related matter. That's not important now. We have a situation. It's one of the exhibitors.

Brass: Could you be more specific?

Hodges: He's dead, Jim.

Robbins: Uh, David, would you finish stitching him up please?

David: I'm not a seamstress, I'm a coroner's investigation, dammit!

Robbins: He's been doing that all day.

If I Had A Hammer... [9.21]

Ray: so all you had was an eyewitness who was a half a mile away, testimony from Jeremy Ken't ex-cellmate and a single fingerprint from a rock?

Catherine: Back then it was enough.

Ecklie: Got it figured out? Legal just put this on my desk. [Hands Catherine an envelope.]

Catherine: I've been subpoenaed by Jeremy Kent. He's requesting a pre-trial conference.

Nick: Yeah, he probably wants to talk to you about how he got life based on a rock.

Ray: Can we call Dr. Barnard for a consult?

Robbins: Passed away in '98. Loved chili dogs, but his arteries didn't.

Brass: I'm going to need some contact information on them.

Tyler: Mom! We're going to be late!

Sabrina: Just a minute. [To Brass.] Mountain View Cemetery, Plot 921.

The Gone-Dead Train [9.22]

Brass: I talked to the neighbors, nobody had anything bad to say about Mrs Kelly, in fact they all called her a saint. Specials eds teacher, she's a friend to kids, stray dogs, and anyone with a problem.

Catherine: Well I must have met her evil clone.

Catherine: Tetanus shot hurt more than the crazy lady attacking me.

Riley: You going to turn into a vampire now?

Catherine: Well, I already work nights so I don't think anybody's going to notice.

Greg: So Elvis, how'd you get these injuries?

Elvis: I'm a landscaper. Got a lot of cactus orders because of the drought.

Vartann: Or maybe they're from when you raped your ex, Kayla Newtons.

Elvis: I didn't rape Kay. We had sex.

Greg: Open up [swabs him.]

Vartann: You had the kind of sex where she said no.

Greg: Hold on there, Spuds. How much do you weigh?

Hodges: Uh, excuse you. That's not public information.

Dr. Shaw: I don't know. It's a set-up, I'm being framed.

Brass: Who framed you, Roger Rabbit?

Hog Heaven [9.23]

Hodges: When you're done with fingerprinting, the officer will take you into another room where he'll collect the rest of your clothing.

Jackass: I ain't stripping.

Hodges: I promise you, jail scrubs are much cleaner and more flattering than the blood and grease soaked homicide evidence that you're currently wearing.

[Hodges gets headbutted by Tonya after he demands she apologizes to Wendy.]

Wendy: That was stupid.

Hodges: Oh, chivalry is not dead.

Wendy: No, but its nose is bleeding.

All In [9.24]

Catherine: Chill out Conrad, you'll have it on your desk by the end of shift. Yes, I've included a 10% cut across the board, just make sure there's 10% less crime and we'll be fine.

Hodges: Ah, the 70s. Recession, energy crisis, conflict in the Middle East, my how times have changed.

Riley: Least we don't have to put up with disco.

Hodges: It's an old Hux Club casino chip.

Riley: Hampton Huxley, the dead porno mag guy?

Hodges: No, it's not porno, it's a lifestyle. For one brief shining moment in the 80s scantily-clad Hux Club kittens, serving cocktails and dealing blackjack was the pinnacle of Las Vegas high society.

Wendy: How'd you get in?

Hodges: Sadly only through the glossy pages of the magazine, which I purchased for the articles.