Family Guy/Season 12

Family Guy is an animated television series created by Seth MacFarlane for FOX in 1999. The show was cancelled in 2002, but after extremely positive response to DVDs and reruns on Adult Swim, production of new episodes for FOX resumed in 2005.

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Finders KeepersEdit

Peter: [to Lois] I want you on my team for everything... except for sports.

[Stewie farts on Peter while he's sitting at the table reading a newspaper with an electric fan going. The fart travels back to Stewie]
Stewie: Ah! Friendly fire!

[a group stands graveside]
Quagmire: We're supposed to dig this kid up. Any volunteers?
Herbert [in mining gear]: I dig kids.

[Chris jets skis to Block Island with Meg]
Chris: Why are your nipples poking into me?!
Meg: Sorry! That happens when I'm cold.
Chris: But why are there THREE of them?!
Meg: There aren't! Two of them are moles.
Chris: Those numbers still don't add up!

Lois: Oh, look who's back; the grave robber.
Peter: Hey, Lois.
Lois: So, what happened? You find your treasure?
Peter: No, I realised something after you left; It's not the treasure that matters. All that really matters is the money you get in exchange for the treasure. I guess I had to learn that the hard way.

Vestigial PeterEdit

Chip: Her voice! It's like God sneezing!

[after Chip has sex with Angela]
Peter: [glumly] Welp, now we know. I can taste what he eats.

Teacher at a PTA meeting: So, in short; your kids are all doing great. Keep reading to them every night and I think we're going to have a great year. So, unless there's any questions, thank you all for coming.
Cheetah: Eh, yeah... I noticed the hot lunch menu doesn't feature any gazelle.
[all the parents sigh]
Teacher: I'll bring that up to the board.
Cheetah: Yeah, see... I-I heard that last year and [laughing] he-h-here we are again.

Quagmire's QuagmireEdit

[Sonja smiles darkly as she locks a battered Quagmire in the trunk of his car]
Sonja: Giggity.
Quagmire: That's my word.

[Peter and Joe pound on the door of a storage unit while searching for Quagmire]
Joe: Quagmire, you in there?!
[muffled sounds from Quagmire are heard]
Peter: Oh, he's eating. [shouts at the door] We'll come back when you're done eating!

Ida: Ok, you guys. Where should we start looking for Glen?
Peter: Well, sometimes Quagmire likes to hang out under all the clutter in my garage, so why don't we just start sorting stuff and throwing stuff away, but obviously checking with me first before you throw stuff away.

A Fistful of MegEdit

Meg: He's going to kill me! I can already picture my funeral!
[cutaway to a graveside service, Peter runs in and throws Meg's dead corpse under another casket]
Peter: Thanks, didn't want to pay for the hole.

[Meg looks to Chris for support against Michael Pulaski]
Meg: Chris, you have my back, right?
Chris: I don't know. [lifts up his shirt and sees his back covered with bacne] Yeah.

Boopa-dee Bappa-deeEdit

Man: You renounced your citizenship?
Peter: Oh, I did that on the Italian "Shut-up-a-You-Facebook."

[the morning after sex in Italy]
Lois: Last night was the best sex I ever had.
Peter: Me too. We haven't done it like that since we were engaged, but allowed to sleep with other people.
Lois: What are you talking about?

[Peter barges it to tell the kids about staying in Italy]
Peter: Kids, I've got an announcement...
Stewie: [sitting near the hem of Peter's robe on the floor] He's wearing a rubber.
Peter: We're staying in Italy. We're Italian now.
Brian: What?!
Meg: Are you kidding?
Stewie: Well, if we're going to be Italian, I guess we should start murdering our brothers.
[slips behind Chris with a garrote and proceeds to strangle him]
Chris: What are you... [starts to choke and struggle]
Stewie: [in an Italian-accented whisper] You break-a my heart, Chris. You break-a my heart.

Life of BrianEdit

[Peter is sitting next to a beheaded chicken carrying its head]
Peter: Aren't you supposed to be running?
Chicken: Don't talk to me. You have a bad reputation in the chicken community.

Stewie: Dammit Brian, you can't die! We were gonna do so many things together! We were gonna become windsurfers! I was gonna be a little better than you, but we were both gonna be good!
Brian: [groans]
Lois: You guys, I think- I think Brian's trying to say something!
Brian: You've.... You've given me a wonderful life.... I love you all... [smiles gently before quietly passing away]
Vet: I'm sorry.... He's gone.
Chris: Oh my God.... He's....
Lois: Yes Chris... I'm afraid...I'm afraid that our Brian is dead.

Into Harmony's WayEdit

Quagmire: [meditating] I can be Giggity. I can be Goo.

Stewie: Meg, could you zip up your fly? That's kind of wafting over here.

Chris: So did you get a lot of trim on the road?
Peter: [nodding] Chris, that's wildly inappropriate.

Quagmire: What was Simon without Garfunkel?
Peter: Wildly successful?

Christmas GuyEdit

Lois: It's Stewie's first Christmas!
Stewie: Again?

Vinny: Whose leg do you gotta gagoosh to get an Amaretto around here?

Vinny: Georgette, I'm coming home.
Stewie: Who the hell is Georgette?

Stewie: Hey, who are you talking to?
Brian: A really awesome guy.

Brian: Wow, Stewie, thank you for saving my life! Y'know, a whole lot of other families would've just gotten another dog and moved on.
Stewie: Oh, oh, w... we could, we could never do something like that, Brian!

Brian: Thanks for everything, Stewie, you're my best friend, and I love you.
Stewie: All I can say, Brian, is you've been making really creepy eye contact with me all morning and I want it to stop right now.

Peter ProblemsEdit

[on Lois being hired at the grocery store]
Stewie: You know you've made it when you've got a teenage boss.

Peter: My hog cannot partake in the slop this evening.

Lois: Oh, Peter, you're up.
Stewie: That's not what I heard.

[Peter is reluctant to see Dr. Hartman about his impotency, stating he is embarrassed]
Lois: This shouldn't embarrass you, the size should embarrass you.

Grimm JobEdit

Peter: Jack and the Beanstalk. And that title could be a fairy tale or a porn. Let's find out.

Rumpleforeskin/Quagmire: Where'd that thing come from? It's blocking my view of Little Miss Muffet's truffet.

[after the woodsman kills the wolf with a chainsaw]
Little Red Riding Hood/Stewie: You know, I'm not sure if that's our hero, or just a lunatic going house-to-house murdering people.

Brian's a Bad FatherEdit

Quagmire: [to Peter] You can't even walk and chew gum at the same time!
[cutaway to Lois walking on the sidewalk]
Lois: Come on!
[pull out to reveal Peter chewing gum while lying down on his face]
Peter: I'm doin' somethin'. [chews] One thing at a time!

Mom's the WordEdit

[during a meeting at the Pawtucket Brewery]
Angela: So as you can see, our output is up 1 1/2%. That's not net, I'm talking gross.
Peter: [under his breath] You do everything gross.

3 Acts of GodEdit

Quagmire: C'mon, guys! It's game time!
Peter: Alright! This is the greatest Sunday tradition ever...except for getting all my cutaway gags ready for the week. [cutaway] Okay, my great uncle wears a ski hat all the time Griffin will be followed by Nick Nolte's handkerchief, followed by Japanese Abe Lincoln, and then Monkey Rabbi. Hey, where's the Monkey Rabbi? Here's your torah, you'll be here on Tuesday at 9:00. Check in with Shirley.
Darth Vader: You gonna need me this week?
Peter: Uh, maybe. Maybe Friday. Uh, now where are the gays?
Gay Man: Over here.
Peter: No, no, no. The really cartoony gays.
Cartoony Gay Guy: Yoooo-hoooooo!!!
Peter: There you are, we're gonna need you guys all week.

Cleveland: What are you doing here?
Death: I'm, uh...here for your show.
Cleveland: Come on, man. I'm on vacation.

Peter: Come on!! If Modern Family did that joke, you'd be carryin' 'em around on your shoulders!!

Fresh HeirEdit

Chris: Hey, Dad, are you busy? I was thinking we could spend some time together.
Peter: Okay, are you a television set of the Internet?
Chris: No.
Peter: Oh, then no.

[Peter checks up on his hairless twin brother]
Peter's Twin: Close the door! The moonlight burns!
Peter: It's almost Christmas, it's almost Christmas.
Peter's Twin: Christmas?
Peter: Yes. Keep being good, and all the eggshells and coffee grounds will be yours.
Peter's Twin: Can I meet the family?
Peter: You overstepped! No Christmas!

Carter: [about his broken leg] The worst part about it is I can't have sex! God, I wish there was a way I could just do it myself, y'know, just to be done and napping within four minutes.
Chris: Let me show you something...

[time lapse. Carter looks relaxed]

Carter: That... was... amazing! And Linda Carter wasn't actually here?
Chris: No, that was just in your mind!
Carter: Incredible! So you can do that, like what, once a year or something?
Chris: No, you can do it basically whenever you're not doing something else.
Carter: Cool! Hey, next time I wanna try it with my hand.

Secondhand SpokeEdit

[Stewie criticizes Brian's texting and driving]
Stewie: That was a stroller, not a speedbump.

Chris: What if I said "Hey there, shorty!"?
Stewie: I'd say "Have another donut, you albino gorilla."

Herpe the Love SoreEdit

Tough guy: Smells like this guy already wet himself.
Peter: Don't flatter yourself, that was from this morning.

Peter: It says Glenn Quagmire. But if you squint and imagine it says "Peter Griffin", it says Peter Griffin!

The Most Interesting Man in the WorldEdit

[Bonnie obliterates a target of a figure in a wheelchair at the shooting range]
Joe: I think next time you should bring someone else.

[Stewie arrives just after Peter takes the wrong kid at the park]
Stewie: Hey, what happened to my new friend...that kid who sort of looks like me from behind?

[the family greets Peter after he has refined himself]
Chris: How were all your business trips?
Peter: Oh, exemplary, Chris.
Chris: I don't understand what either of those words mean.
Stewie: One of them was "Chris."

Peter: Shall we away for "relations."
Lois: I'm not sure what you're saying, but let's hump!

External linksEdit

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Last modified on 13 April 2014, at 12:08