Family Guy/Season 1

season of animated television series Family Guy

Family Guy is an animated television series created by Seth MacFarlane for FOX in 1999. The show was canceled in 2002, but after a positive response to DVDs and reruns on Adult Swim, production of new episodes for FOX resumed in 2005.

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Death Has a ShadowEdit

Stewie: Damn you, vile woman! You've impeded my work since the day I escaped from your wretched womb.
Lois: Oh, don't pout, honey. You know, when you were born, the doctor said you were the happiest-looking baby he had ever seen.
Stewie: But, of course! That was my victory day! The fruition of my deeply-laid plans to escape from that cursed ovarian Bastille. Return the device, woman!

Brian: Whoa! Ass ahoy! Hey, Peter, it's seven o'clock and you still have your pants on. What's the occasion?

[Stewie approaches Lois, who sits at the kitchen table]
Stewie: Hello, Mother.
Lois': Well, hi, there, sweetie!
Stewie: You know, Mother, life is like a box of chocolates: You never know what you're going to get. Your life, however, is more like a box of active grenades!
[Stewie holds a box of hand grenades in front of him]
Stewie: Now, I offer you one last chance for deliverance: Return my mind-control device...or be destroyed!
Lois: Oh, you just want your toy back. OK, here you go, honey.
[Lois places the mind-control device on top of the box of grenades]
Stewie: Yes, well, victory is mine!
[Stewie runs out of the kitchen carrying the grenades and the mind-control device; a moment later, the grenades detonate]
Stewie: [screams] Damn you all!

I Never Met the Dead ManEdit

Stewie: [playing with his Sesame Street phone] Put me through to the Pentagon!
Phone: Do you know what sound a cow makes?
Stewie: Don't toy with me, Ernie! I've already dispatched with Mr. Hooper, I've got six armed men stationed outside Big Bird's nest, and as for Linda... well it's rather difficult for a deaf woman to hear an assassin approach, now, isn't it?
Phone: Can you count to three?
Stewie: Ho-ho, indeed I can! [pulls out a laser gun and shoots the phone with each number] ONE! TWO! THREE! Can I count to three? For God's sake, I'm already shooting at a fifth-grade level.

[Lois tries to feed Stewie his broccoli]
Stewie: Damn the broccoli, damn you, and damn the Wright Brothers!
Lois: My, aren't we fussy tonight? OK. No broccoli.
Stewie: Very well then. I--[Lois shoves the broccoli into his mouth. Stewie spits it out.] Who the deuce do you think you are?
Lois: Honey, it's not gonna go away just because you don't like it.
Stewie: Well then, my goal becomes clear: The broccoli must die.

Chitty Chitty Death BangEdit

[in Lois' womb]
Stewie: [in his diary] Day 171. I've sprouted another finger. Counting the one from yesterday, [looks at his penis], I'm up to 11.

Peter: [after losing his Cheesy Charlie's reservation] Chris, this is a big day for you. Today you become the man of the house because when we get home, your mother is going to kill me.

Mind Over MurderEdit

Stewie: Shake me! Shake me like a British nanny!

Stewie: Argh! Damn it to the bloody bowels of hell!

Stewie: No no no, you imbecile! That's not talc; that's paprika! Aaahh! [Urinates on Peter] Take that!

A Hero Sits Next DoorEdit

Brian: Gee, I would love to help you, Peter, but I gotta go out in the hall and chew on the back of my ass for about five minutes.

Meg: So, do you like music?
Kevin: Oh, yeah. I played guitar in a band before we moved, but it interfered with my studies. What do you listen to?
Meg: Uh, you first.
Kevin: I'm into Garbage, Fish, Blur. My parents don't like me listenin' to that stuff, but I do, anyway, BECAUSE I AM NOT A ROBOT! [calmly] I also like Radiohead.

The Son Also DrawsEdit

[Peter and Chris are ostensibly trying to earn a merit badge for "insect study."]
Peter: Look, Chris. It's a whole family of wasps.
[The scene cuts to a wealthy family eating dinner]
WASP Father: My, Margaret, what a subpar ham.
WASP Mother: Perhaps I can't bake a ham, but what I can cook up is a little grace and civility at the table.
WASP Father: [after a slight, shocked pause] Patty, did you know that your mother is a whore?

[last line]
Peter: Canada sucks!

Brian: Portrait of a DogEdit

[Peter has a flashback of when he was on Jeopardy]
Trebek: [reads the clue] For $800, this chemical dye is found in over 95% of all cosmetic products.
Peter: [rings in] Diarrhea. [the crowd laughs] What? Oh. Oh. Oh. Sorry. Sorry. What is diarrhea?

[after seeing the news about the heat wave]
Chris: [about Diane] I think I saw one of her nipples!
Lois: Chris, that's a terrible word! [sarcastically] "Nipple". I'll chalk that up to the heat, mister.

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