Family Guy/Season 10

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Family Guy is an animated television series created by Seth MacFarlane for FOX in 1999. The show was cancelled in 2002, but after extremely positive response to DVDs and reruns on Adult Swim, production of new episodes for FOX resumed in 2005.

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Lottery Fever

Peter: I just bought a giant room full of gold coins; I'm gonna dive into it like Scrooge McDuck.

[cutaway to giant coin room. Peter enters the room on the diving board in swimwear. He jumps and dives, only to land bloodily injured]

Peter: [groans] It's not a liquid! It's a great many pieces of solid matter that form a hard floor-like surface! Aaaaaaagh!

Seahorse Seashell Party

Tom: The national weather service has issued a severe hurricane advisory and it’s everyone to stay indoors for at least the next thirty-six hours. [TV is cut]

Peter: Aw, what happened!?

Lois: Ugh, the wind must’ve knocked the satellite dish loose.

Peter: Oh crap, I was gonna watch GI Jóse.

Kid #1: Agh! [gets hit by a ball]

Kid #2: Oh No! You cut your forehead! What’ll we do?

GI Jóse: Hey, kids. If you have an open woom, get some dirt or kitty litter and rub it in there to stop the bleeding, then get some sleep to wait for the body to heel itself.

Kid #1: Now we know!

GI Jóse: And like I always say, remember, you know enough.

Singers: G.I. JÓSE!!

Screams of Silence: The Story of Brenda Q

Quagmire: Guys, what the hell am I gonna do? She can't marry that bastard. He's just gonna keep beating her and he's gonna beat the kid too. God, I wish she'd never met Jeffery Fecalman.

Peter: You know, I was thinking... Wait, what?

Quagmire: What?

Peter: That's his name?

Quagmire: Yeah.

Peter: Huh-larious. But you know what, I was thinking this afternoon, what the hell happened to the days where a guy does something like that to a girl, and a bunch of us guys get together and just go kick his fucking ass?

Joe: Boy, that'd be satisfying.

Quagmire: Well, why not?

Peter: What do you mean?

Quagmire: The three of us, we go over there and we do what's right. We kill the bastard.

Joe: Woah, woah, Quagmire. You know, I could arrest you just for saying that.

Peter: You know what else you can get arrested for? Soliciting a rooster.

[cutaway to a man and a rooster near a farm]

Man: I don't know what this "cock-a-doodle-doo" thing is, but it sounds gay and scatological. [pulls out dollar] I'm in.

Rooster: You're about to have a neat day.

[back to the scene]

Joe: Quagmire, you're talking about murdering a guy. It doesn't matter what he's done, it's still murder.

Quagmire: No, Joe, it does matter what he's done! These kinds of guys don't change! Y-You think they ever suddenly wake up and realize the error of their ways and clean up their act? NO! They just keep ruining everyone's lives, and the world is better off without them.

Joe: It's against the law, Quagmire, and that's the end of it. [hears Brenda screaming in fear, the three look out the window].

Jeff: WHAT THE HELL?! DID YOU CHANGE THE CHANNEL WHILE I WAS GOING TO GET A BEER?!

Brenda: Oh yeah, I'm sorry honey. I just wanted to see who was on Letterman.

Jeff: WE'RE WATCHING LENO, YOU STUPID BITCH!

Brenda: I'm so sorry!

Jeff: HIS SOFT GENTLE HUMOR CONNECTS EFFORTLESSLY WITH MY MAINSTREAM CAPABILITIES! [Brenda screams as Jeff hits her].

Joe: Let's waste this dick.

[Jeff has apparently strangled Quagmire to death in the woods and is digging a whole to bury his body in. Suddenly, Peter's car's headlights turn on and Quagmire, revealed to be alive, is the one behind the wheel]

Jeff: [Last Words] WHAT THE HELL?! I KILLED YOU!

Quagmire: I choke myself everyday you bastard!

Stewie Goes for a Drive

[Brian is questioning Stewie about the damaged car]

Brian: Look at this! Do you know anything about this?!

Stewie: About what? What a beautiful day - Oh my God, that is surprising! I had to stop the last sentence in the middle because I was so surprised. What happened?

Brian: Gee, I don't know! Do YOU know what happened?

Stewie: [chuckles] Sorry, what was that? I was laughing at that funny thing you said how Lois' potatoes "au rotten"?

Brian: Huh. Didn't think anybody heard that. Wish you laughed at the time, but what the hell happened to my car?!

[Stewie is on TV]

Stewie: Brian, I've decided to run away. Don't come looking for me. And definitely don't chase me to the airport and catch me at the gate just before I'm about to get on a plane with, like, an emotional speech and possibly flowers. For instance, it would be awful if all the TSA people were gathered around watching this emotional moment, even the older black female carry-on scanner who initially stopped you at the baggage check, but after you told her of your intentions said, "Go get him, child," in flagrant disregard for all newly-implemented post 9/11 security measures. And if you were bringing a boombox to play music, I would suggest any one of the six songs:

[the suggested songs scroll over Stewie: "With or Without You" - U2, "Solsbury Hill" - Peter Gabriel, "Unwritten" - Natasha Bedingfield, "Live Like We're Dying" - Kris Allen, "Thank You" - Dido and "Somebody" - Depeche Mode]

Stewie: So again, ran away. Don't come after me.

["Thank You" by Dido plays as the image fades]

Back to the Pilot

[Pilot Stewie finds present day Stewie hiding under his crib]

Stewie: Oh… hey!

Pilot Stewie: Who the deuce are you?!

Stewie: Uh, well, I'm, uh… I'm you.

Pilot Stewie: You look like me, but that's utterly impossible!

Stewie: I'm afraid it's true. I'm you from the future. I've traveled back in time.

Pilot Stewie: That’s absurd!

Stewie: Look, I can prove to you that I'm you from the future! I know about the Eddie Bauer catalogue.

Pilot Stewie: [gasps] It IS you!

Stewie: [to Brian] What did I tell you about altering the past? Wait, when did you even do that?

Brian: Well, remember when I said I was gonna take a leak?

Stewie: Brian, you shouldn't have done that. Who knows what unforseen consequences are awaiting us? Saddam Hussein could be president. Mexico could be the world's dominant super power. Cookie Monster could have invented Facebook!

[cut to an office with the Cookie Man and a man behind a desk]

Peter: What is this?

Cookie Man: Cookiebook.

Thanksgiving

Joe: Okay, let's pick teams; I'll be a captain and, uh... Mayor West, you could be the captain.

West: All right, I pick you.

Joe: You can't pick me, I'm a captain.

[cut to living room where an older West is surrounded with seven kids]

West: No-one ever stood up for me like that before; I respected him thereon out.

Child 1: That's a great story, Grampa.

Child 2: I didn't like it.

[many years later; a much older West is surrounded with twelve kids]

West: None of my grand children have ever disliked one of my stories before; from then on, he was my favorite.

Child 3: Well. I don't like that story, Great-Grampa. [West stands up, and electrocutes the boy who disintegrates into dust]

West: [breaks fourth wall] Future old people are wizards.

Amish Guy

Lois: We can't be part of a feud with the Amish!

Brian: I didn't start this thing, Lois! But I'munna finish it! [goes into the house and dials the phone] Joe, round up Quagmire and all the modern day technology you can find! We are goin' to war! Oh, oh. Hey, Bonnie. I-Is Joe there? [pause] Well, can I leave a message for 'im? Yeah, yeah. It's what I said before 'bout, eh, th-the war thing.

Cool Hand Peter

[Peter and the gang get pulled over by a police car]

Peter: Don't worry about it, guys. I read nowhere that Southern sheriffs really wanna be talked down to by big-shot Northerners.

[Peter puts on a Harvard University sweater and takes out a pipe as the sheriff approaches the car]

Sheriff Nichols: Afternoon.

Peter: [in a snooty voice] Officer, hwhat is it? We are in a tremendous urban rush.

Sheriff Nichols: You fellas ain't from around here, are ya?

Peter: [normal voice] Hey, Sheriff. I'm tryin' to learn Southern. Is this sayin' anything? Adoi-doi-doi-doi-doi!!

[Lois, Donna and Bonnie lie on the couch, intoxicated.]

Lois: [drunk] He-he-ey-hey! I got an idea for something that's gonna be so fuckin' funny! [whispers to Bonnie and Donna] Okay, Bonnie, go get it. It's in the closet. [Bonnie leaves] Brian! Brian, come out here! [Brian enters the living room, reading a book]

Brian: I'm reading.

Lois: [giggles] What...what...whatta you reading?

Brian: Well, I was just finishing Jonathan Franzen's book. Y'know, I'll admit, it has its moments, but it's completely overrated. I mean, I'm not saying I wrote something similar to it several years ago, but I am saying -

Lois: Grab him!

[The wives jump on top of a struggling Brian.]

Brian: What? Hey-hey?! What are you doing?! Hey!

Lois: Get his paw! Hold still!

Brian: Hey, hey, hey! What-?!

Lois: Push him down onto all fours!

Brian: No! What are you do-?! I don't wanna do this!

Lois: If he really starts freaking out, put your pinkie in his butt!

[The wives release Brian; he is dressed as a bee and trying to get the costume off.]

Donna: Calm down! Calm down!

[She whacks Brian on the head with the book. He runs into the stereo and the three women break down laughing hysterically.]

Lois: Now, Stewie!

Stewie: [walks in carrying a pistol] Alright, I guess this is the night bitches die.

Grumpy Old Man

[the Griffin family watches the Channel 5 news]

Tom Tucker: Good morning, I'm Tom Tucker. Coming up, we talk to a man on the street while another man further back on the street flips you off.

Joyce Kinney: But first, Quahog was hit by a major blizzard last night. Here, with more details on the snowstorm is Asian correspondent Tricia Nakahoma.

Tom Tucker: [annoyed] That's wrong. That's wrong, you're not doing good so far.

[Tricia Takanawa is shown outside, where it's packed with snow]

Tricia Takanawa: I'm standing here surrounded by snow tourists, stalled cars and the one douchebag that wears a tank top everytime there is a blizzard.

Douchebag: Yeah, this is nothin'. Guys at work drank a quart o' motor oil once and didn't even die from it. Put that on the news, but you won't.

Meg and Quagmire

Quagmire: So, where is the birthday girl?

Meg: Oh. Hi, Mr. Quagmire.

Quagmire: Well, it's your 18th birthday, Meg. That's a very important milestone in a young girl's - I mean, a young woman's life. Hey, welcome to the adult club, huh? And you know what? You got another member right next door if you ever wanna talk and stuff. Happy birthday. [pats Meg's left leg. His little finger wiggles] Hey...hey, where's that pinkie goin', huh? Where's he goin'? What-what's he doin'? Get back here! There you go. [Meg smiles then looks at Quagmire]

Peter: Heh-heh! Look at Quagmire hitting on that skank. You know he's gonna close the deal.

Brian: Peter, that skank is your daughter.

Peter: Oh my God, You're right!

Quagmire: Y'know, Meg. I'd love to see you without your hat on. [lifts pink beanie. A green hand emerges from her scalp, pulls beanie down] Okay.

Stewie: Don't worry, Dad. I'll take care of him! [punches Quagmire's legs] Stay away from my sis!

Peter: Meg, get in the car! We're going home!

Meg: I'm not going home. I'm 18, and you can't tell me what to do anymore!

Peter: Meg, I'm only gonna say this once! You may be an adult, but you're still my daughter, and it's my job to protect you from errant wieners! So I don't care how old you are, you're gonna do what I say and GET IN THE DAMN CAR!

Meg: Yes, Daddy... [walks away sadly with Peter following behind her, Lois walks up to Quagmire]

Lois: If you ever touch my daughter again, I will cut your thing off and feed it to Brian!

Quagmire: Okay.

Lois: And Peter and I get this cabin for one weekend a month! Do you understand me?

Quagmire: Yes, ma'am.

Lois: Peter, I got us the cabin!

Peter: Yay!

Lois: [Back to Quagmire] I don't ever want to see you on our doorstep for at least a month!

Quagmire: Would you sign the guestbook on your way out?

Lois: [sighs angrily and writes] Lois Griffin. Peter Griffin. We heard a loon.

The Blind Side

Japanese Guy #1: Hey, you wanna see a movie?

Japanese Guy #2: Nah, we're Japanese. Let's go watch a school girl bang an octopus!

Both: [while high fiving] Yeah!

Octopus: [sliding onto the screen, while speaking in Japanese] おいで抱きしめて上げるよ! (Come on! I'll hug you and lift you up!) Suction cup feel goooood!

[An anime school girl slides onto the screen while the octopus goes after her]

School Girl: [high-pitched] Hiiiiiiiiii!

Octopus: Hmmmm, ha, ha, haayy!

Lois is sitting on the couch, watching TV]

TV: We now return to True Blood.

Bill Compton:: Hi, I'm a nude vampire.

Joe Manganiello: Hi, I'm a nude werewolf.

Sookie Stackhouse: And that's the show!

Lois: Peter, come downstairs. That gay show you like is on.

Peter: [offscreen] Coming! [He sneaks to the top of the stairs. He takes a piece of sandpaper from his pocket and sands the soles of his shoes. He then attempts to extremely slowly descend down the stairs, but slips on the first step while screaming and grunting] FUCK! FUCK! GOD DAMN IT! FUCKIN' COCKSUCKIN' COCK! FUCK! DAMN IT!

Lois: Oh, my God, Peter! Are you okay?

Peter: NO, I AM NOT OKAY! NOTHING ABOUT THIS IS OKAY!

Livin' on a Prayer

Peter: Okay, now take this walkie-talkie and confirm I'm at the various checkpoints.

Lois: Huh, okay. [speaks into walkie-talkie] Peter up on a telephone pole?

Peter: [spying from a telephone pole, lower binnoculars] Check.

Lois: Peter cutting the wires to the alarm?

Peter: [cuts the wire] Check.

Lois: Sexy Peter distracting the guards?

Peter: [dressed as a prostitute] Check. [to the guards] Hello, boys! Come out and have sex with me sometime!

Lois: Van full of Peters with stern faces because they're about to pull off a heist?

Peter: [shows a vanful of stern-faced Peters] Check.

Lois: Upside-down Peter who isn't revealed to upside-down until the camera spins around and shows that he is?

Peter: [appears right-side up until the camera spins around to show he's upside-down] Check.

Lois: Peter in an open airplane door, slapping Peters on the back as they parachute out?

Peter: [slapping other Peters as they parachute out] Go! Go-go-go-go-go! [into walkie-talkie] Check!

Lois: Super gymnastic Asian Peter, contorted into a box that will be delivered into the house?

Asian Peter: [shows Peter rolling in a crate and x-rays to reveal Asian Peter inside] Hai!

Lois: Peter who hasn't answered because something has gone terribly wrong? [shows the walkie-talkie on the floor] Peter? Peter, are you there? [zooms out to reveal Peter lying dead with his throat slit as blood pools around him]

Tom Tucker: The Man and His Dream

[Chris is dating a girl who looks just like Lois]

Stewie: Are they not seein' this?

Brian: I know, it's kinda creepy. It's almost like he's dating Lois.

Stewie: Yeah – looks like somebody's getting a little Oedipussy.

Brian: Can we say that?

Stewie: Just did.

Be Careful What You Fish For

[Billy and Peter both in the bathroom, Peter is naked]

Billy: Don't take this the wrong way, but have you actually got a penis?

Peter: Yes.

Billy: Where... where is it?

Peter: It's in there.

Billy: Are you sure, so it's like Snuffleupagus down there, is it?

Peter: Oh, to hell with this... Lois, get the ruler. We're measuring again, and this time, I decide where the base is.

Peter: I gotta take a bath. [Billy is watching him]

Lois: Go on then. We're both men.

Peter: Well... alright I guess.

Billy: There you go... [Peter gets naked and Billy starts laughing] ...look at that? What is th - WOAH! Solar eclipse blocking the sun, do not look directly at it! [laughs again]

Peter: What... what, what, what the hell... what are you doing?

Billy: I'm just making a comment... ummm... need to know something. Do you hear the word "morbidly" a lot?

Burning Down the Bayit

Quagmire: I don't like this, you guys – uh, this is bad... Joe's gonna find out, I just know it!

Peter: Geez, Quagmire. You need to relax – and I know how to help. Calgon, take him away.

[scene fades. Quagmire nervously leans in the bubbly bath, looking down as the soap bubble around him floats higher]

Quagmire: THIS IS WORSE, PETER!

Peter: Relax! This is supposed to be your time! This is the right way to deal with your problems.

Killer Queen

[everyone cheers as Chris and Yamamoto furiously eat their hot dogs]

Peter: Chris, you're four hot dogs behind! Come on!

Chris: Ohh... I can't eat anymore!

Peter: Remember what I told you...

[a dream cloud comes as Chris remembers his father's words]

Peter: I get this weird cyst things right on the fringe of my sac. I want to get it checked, but I'm afraid of what they're gonna tell me.

Chris: He's right. I can do it! [he starts eating up all the hot dogs, then Yamamoto does the same]

[the buzzer beeps]

Announcer: We have a winner! Ladies and gentlemen, Yamamoto has finally been defeated!

[the crowd cheers as Yamamoto sadly leaves]

Peter: [picks up Chris] Chris, you did it! You're a champion! And now you get your pick of the groupies!

[there are four fat models]

Chris: They're shiny.

Peter: Yeah, it's a pretty warm day.

Stewie: What's going on here?

Forget-Me-Not

[Peter replaces a family portrait with a portrait of Laser Tag Times newspaper article reading "Peter Griffin Eliminates Enemies. DESTROYS WORLD!"]

Peter: I put our family on the map tonight. No longer will we be just those faceless nobodys who brought the bird flu to Quahog.

Lois: You know, there's something seriously wrong with the man who always puts his friends over his family.

Brian: Come on, Lois. I think you're over reacting. What's so wrong about a guy hanging out with his buddies?

Lois: Buddies? You're one of his buddies?

Brian: Yeah, and you know why? 'Cause I don't try to tell him what he can and can't do.

Lois: Oh, please, Brian. You're just two people living in the same house. If you didn't, you'd never hang out with each other in a million years. He owns you. You're his property.

You Can't Do That on Television, Peter

Mr. and Mrs. Stewie

[Lois covers her ears in bed. Zooms out to Peter hold a gigantic plume feather in the form of a quill pen, and begins to write]

Peter: "Dearest Augustine, I do hope this latest damp has not aggravated your grey lung." [*dips his quill] Dip-dip-dip-dip-dip. "Matters stateside have taken a tragic turn as this year's gourd crop has fallen prey to a rather unexpected infestation of salt marsh cutworms." Dip-dip-dip-dip-dip.

Lois: [sits up] Peter, it's 4:00 in the morning; come to bed.

Peter: [writes further] "Marital concerns continue to bedevil me."

[Lois leaves the en-suite, then stops. Zoom out and Peter is on his twin bed next to Quagmire]

Lois: Peter, what's going on?

Peter: Quagmire's havin' a sleepover with me.

Lois: [giggly] You can't be serious.

Peter: [deeply concerned] Look, Lois, I told ya that I need to have somebody sleepin' next to me. Alright now, if that's not gonna be you–

Lois: Fine, do what you want, I don't care, but I think it's very strange.

Peter: Okay, that's the one thing that's not.

Quagmire: Yeah, it's not strange.

Lois: I already told you, I don't care. [switches lamp off and lies down]

Quagmire: [to Peter] It's not strange.

Peter: I know.

Leggo My Meg-O

Peter: [on the phone] I don't know who you are. I don't know what you want, but I have a very particular lack of skills. I will never be able to find you. But what I do have is two dollars and a Casio wrist-watch. You can have one of them.

Voice on Phone: Drakkar Noir

Peter: These guys are serious. [to Lois] Lois, Meg's dead!