Bob's Burgers

Bob's Burgers is an animated U.S. sitcom, about Bob Belcher and his his family who run a restaurant. Bob's Burgers was created by Loren Bouchard and began broadcasting in 2011.


Season 1Edit

Human Flesh [1.01]Edit

Bob: Tina, you're on the grill.
Tina: My crotch is itchy.
Gene & Louise: Eww.
Bob: Ok. Are you telling me as my daughter or as my grill cook?
Tina: Umm... As...
Bob: Because my grill cook would never tell me that.
Tina: [Downcast] Oh.
Bob: Also, my daughter should probably not say anything like that to me. Tell her, tell your mom.
Tina: [Turns to Linda] My crotch is itchy.

Louise: Hello and welcome to Bob's Burgers. The burger of the day is the "Child Molester"—it comes with candy. Get it?
Hugo: [clicks teeth] Yes.
Ron: No.
Louise: Because sometimes they use candy to lure their victims...
Ron: Ohhhhh... hmmmm...

Crawl Space [1.02]Edit

Linda: No one sheds like this family, it's like a bunch of Chewbaccas.

Louise: I hope they're using protection because I am not taking care of that baby.

Gene: My grandparents are staying with us and they were both alive during Prohibition, so this is what it sounds like when they have sex in the room next to mine.

Sacred Cow [1.03]Edit

Randy: Do you think cows should be ground up for food?
Louise: Personally I don't really care but my father, he loves grinding them up; it gives him a rush. Daddy's a bad, bad man.

Tina: Frowny face? All I've been is super nice to you and this is the thanks I get? I loved you, I loved you like a horse, which is my favorite animal. You know what, let's just stop before we both say something we'll regret, like that horses are better than cows. I regret that, but it's true.

Sexy Dance Fighting [1.04]Edit

Louise: So you're not going to get revenge today?
Bob: No, Louise, I'm not.
Louise: OK, got it. [slyly] Then I won't bring your credit card... which I cut into a ninja star!
Bob: Oh, you cut my credit card?
Louise: Into a ninja star!

Hamburger Dinner Theater [1.05]Edit

Louise: [rehearsing] Red leather, yellow leather. Red leather, yellow leather.
Tina: Are you talking to me?
Louise: [angry] I'M WARMING UP MY INSTRUMENT! Unbelievable!
Tina: Um, I'm sorry... uhhhhhhh...
Louise: Hey, I'm sorry. It's pre-show nerves. Come here. Hug for luck.
[Tina moves to hug Louise]
Tina: Uhhh...
Louise: Shush, shush. I'm sorry baby. Shush, I didn't mean it baby. You know how I get before a big show, baby. You know how I get... GET OFFA ME! YOU'RE SMUDGING MY MAKE-UP!
Tina: Uuhh...
Tina: Uuhh...
Louise: Sorry, baby, come here...

Sheesh! Cab, Bob? [1.06]Edit

Linda: She deserves a special party this year.
Louise: If what it says in her diary is true, then I say she needs it. A LOT.
Gene: It's true.
Bob: Wait, you read her diary?
Linda: Yeah.
Louise: What I can stomach.
Linda: I just skim it to make sure she's not on drugs.
Bob: Wha... what does it say?
Linda: It says "I'm not on drugs".

Bed & Breakfast [1.07]Edit

Teddy: I love bed and breakfasts. They're so quaint.
Louise: Aren't they? Random strangers, shedding skin cells all over the house...

Louise: [as Linda drags her away] I'll see you in hell Teddy! I WILL SEE YOU IN HELL!

Art Crawl [1.08]Edit

[Bob gasps in horror at the paintings]
Bob: Oh God. Oh my God, Lin.
Linda: It's just a few days, Bobby.
Bob: Linda, there are animal anuses all over our walls!
Linda: Just think of them as cute little rumps.
Bob: Lin, they're anuses. I'm trying to think of worse paintings to hang in a restaurant. Um, nope, I can't think of any!

Bob: Hey, kids.
Louise: Um, hey, Dad.
Bob: I had to get away from those anuses for a while.
Tina: You mean Mort and Teddy?
Bob: Um, no. Gail's paintings.

[Bob defiantly hangs up an "anus" painting. Edith gasps in shock]

Gene: Is Dad going to jail?
Tina: I'll wave at you every day.
Louise: Word of advice: don't tell them what you're in for.
Gene: I hope our new dad is blonde.

Louise: I've been honest with these two ever since Gene got too fat.
Gene: I remember the ice cream sandwich that did it too. I regret nothing!
Louise: And Tina, bad breath every day.
Tina: Not if you like fish.

Spaghetti Western and Meatballs [1.09]Edit

Louise: Your room looks like it was decorated by a perverted jockey.
Tina: When you say that, I feel like you're trying to hurt my feelings.
Louise: Oh my god! Why do you talk so SLOW!
Tina: When you say that, I feel—
Louise: Tina, this is really, really boring.
Tina: Okay, well, when you say that...

Linda: Okay my little cow pokes, time for school. You can watch the rest tonight.
Louise: Mom! How could you!
Linda: How could I what?
Louise: How could you encourage this?
Linda: Oh Louise, don't be a pill. A little father-son bonding is going on here, and that's a good thing. These two don't always do it so well.
[cuts to:]
Gene: Tambourine solo!
Bob: [weakly rattles tambourine] Yeesh.
[cuts to:]
Bob: Alright, this is how you throw a spiral. Here comes the bullet. Ugh! Stupid ball! It's 'cause there's no laces.
Gene: I'm hungry.
Bob: Alright, we're done. Go inside.
Bob: It turns out we bond better over movies that I like to watch, that I make Gene watch.
Gene: YEAH!
Louise: Oh that's... That's adorable. I'm going to school.
Bob: Good.
Gene: Great. Why don't you learn something and become a lawyer.

Mr. Frond: Ok, ABS. The conflict resolution program sweeping our school. You all know my system. And at the spaghetti dinner so will your parents or legal guardians. Um, Becky. 'Cause your mom's in jail. Tina, Jocelyn, Jimmy Junior, let's rehearse! Becky, you just watch. Tina here just found out that her best friend Jocelyn told Jimmy Junior here that Tina is whack. And... acting.
Jimmy Jr: Tina, Jocelyn told me that you're whack.
Tina: Jocelyn, you skank! I hate you.
Jocelyn: Whatever. It's true, you are whack.
[They weakly fight]
Mr. Frond: And freeze! Wow, that resolved nothing. Let's rewind, shall we?
[Tina and Jocelyn pretend they are being rewound]
Mr. Frond: Let's work out our ABS. A: Access your feelings.
Tina: When you gossiped about me to Jimmy Junior, it hurt my feelings.
Mr. Frond: B: Be apologetic.
Jocelyn: Sorry.
Mr. Frond: S: slap it! [slaps own butt]
[Tina and Jocelyn high-five]
Mr. Fond: Well done. Do it just like that at the dinner.
[school bell rings]
Mr. Frond: Oh. Enjoy your lunch, everyone!
Tina: [to Jocelyn] If you ever gossip about me to Jimmy Junior outside of the conflict resolution skit, I'll punch you in the face.
Jocelyn: It was just a skit, Tina.
Tina: I will punch you. Again, and again, and again, and again, and again—
Jocelyn: What a psycho.
Tina: —And again, and again, and again, and again— [door slams]

Burger Wars [1.10]Edit

Linda: When I die I want you to cremate me and throw my ashes in Tom Selleck's face.

Jimmy Pesto: You should keep your freaky kids locked up in your own place.
Bob: [furious] What did you say about my kids?
Linda: Hit him in his handsome groin!

Mr. Fischoeder: Bob, you may be the worst tenant I've ever had. And I rent space to a raccoon sanctuary!
Bob: I know. They're next door. I've been meaning to talk to you about it.

Weekend at Mort's [1.11]Edit

Hugo: This is big! You'll have to close. The whole building must be tented for 48 hours.
Bob: Great. There goes our weekend revenue.
Linda: Oohh! Two days off. Bobby, we could use it!
Bob: I guess it has been a while since we've had a break...
Linda: Yeah. Ten years!
Bob: What? That can't be right.
Linda: Ten years, Bob. TEN YEARS.
Hugo: [sarcastic] You're really living the dream, Linda!

Lobsterfest [1.12]Edit

Louise: Our family doesn't celebrate Lobsterfest. We're like Jews on Christmas.
Gene: Or Jews for Jesus on Hanukkah.
Teddy: Or me at a lesbian bar. Watched the hockey game at a lesbian bar, Bob. It was like I was invisible.

Gene: Let's release the lobster from whence it came! The supermarket!

Tina: I already picked a corner for the bathroom. That one, where I went.

Torpedo [1.13]Edit

Bob: Are you kidding? I wish I could afford urinal cake ads.
Linda: Ooh! All this talk about cake is making me hungry!

Bob: Gene, are you kidding me! You work there everyday, you live above the place!
Gene: Well I call you "Dad!" So I call it "Dad's Burgers!"

Season 2Edit

The Belchies [2.01]Edit

Teddy: My uncle Paddy told me about it. He used to work in Caffery's, back in the fifties. He was his maid.
Bob: Your uncle Paddy... was a maid?
Teddy: All maids were men back then. Until women joined the workforce and took all the maid jobs away.
Linda: Alright girls! Go girls!

Linda: [worried] They're not here! I got Tina's diary, let's see if it says anything. [reads diary] "Dear Diary, tonight we're sneaking into the dangerous taffy factory. Also, if boys had uteruses they'd be called duderuses".
Bob: Ha, "duderuses."

Gene: I just can't stop banging things down here, the acoustics are great. Tina what song is this? [bangs brick on wall]
Tina: "Aqua Boogie," by P-funk?
Gene: Yes! Wow.

Bob Day Afternoon [2.02]Edit

Louise: Action!
Bob: [practicing] As you know, sir, we have several loans with your institution, all "past due." But what does "past due" even mean, you know?
Gene: It's brilliant! There's no such thing as time!
Linda: Gene was past due, and he came out fine.
Gene: I wish I'd stayed in there! [Dives under the table]
Linda: Hey! Get outta there!
Linda: Gene! Bob!
Bob: Oh God.
Linda: [annoyed] This is your son.
Louise: Sorry, Gene, no backsies.

Tina: I will punch you.
Investigator: I will punch YOU!
Louise: Ooh! He will!

Synchronized Swimming [2.03]Edit

Linda: I dreamed that I was breastfeeding Gene again, but he had a long, white beard, like Santa Claus. It was really freaky.
Gene: [suddenly perks up] That could be our next Christmas card.

Coach: You know the rules, Louise: no hats in the gym.
Louise: And I told you I have a raging staph infection under here. You touch this hat and we all go down! You want to play dodge ball in the hospital?

Louise: We have no PE for the rest of the year, my friends.
Gene: Yeah! Who needs it?
[Gene tries to open the door but can't]
Tina: Here, let me try.
[Tina opens the door easily]
Gene: Wow. I need to exercise.

Bob: Wow. Louise, You pulled a Caddyshack?
Louise: What's a Caddyshack?
Bob: The movie, Caddyshack.
Louise: I don't know it.
Bob: Wait, so, you you didn't just throw a candy bar in the pool?
Louise: No.
Bob: Wow
Louise: Yeah.
Bob: That's impressive.

Bob: Are we just going to ignore the fact that Louise just pooped in the pool?
Louise: Ignore it? I named it. Jezebel.
Linda: Awwww. My little grandoody.

Linda: You were right, Bob. I needed to let my baby birds fly. My bratty little baby birds fly with their crappy little wings. Sometimes you gotta push 'em out the window.
Bob: Yeah.
Linda: You gotta just push 'em right out there and if they fall flat [slaps hands together] then that's them.

Burgerboss [2.04]Edit

Linda: I had the video game company take your game away because I love you. It's like the time you took away the credit card from me when I was ordering all those porcelain babies.
[in flashback]
Linda: [singing] If you're not real, then how come I feel this way, lil' babies!

Gene: [referring to the game music on Burgerboss] That's the song I wanna lose it to. Mm-mm-mm.

Food Truckin' [2.05]Edit

Gene: It's the documentarian who hates Dad and puts wigs on cows!
Tina: Werner Herzog?

Dr. Yap [2.06]Edit

Linda: You're a hurtful slut, Bob!

Prince of Persuasia: [listing tips for attracting women] Dress like her dad. It releases a hormone called moan-atonin.
When you get into an elevator with a woman, press a higher number than her and then make a big deal about it.
Push her in a lake.
Be one of the tallest guys in the bar and brag about how long your butt-crack is.
Sing a song that you supposedly heard on the radio, and make fun of her for not knowing it.
Use the word "idiot."
Never make her pancakes. Force her to make you pancakes, in the middle of the night.

Moody Foodie [2.07]Edit

[At the Farmer's Market]
Gene: Dad, don't forget to get more monkey brains!
Louise: Yeah, and we need more unicorn testicles.
Tina: That's where dreams are born.

Louise: That's gotta be the food critic!
Bob: A Civil War reenactor?
Linda: Ugh, I can't stand all that drab grey. No wonder they lost!

Tina: Time for the charm bomb to explode.

Gene: It's him! It's the Moody Foodie!
Bob: Gene, that's Mike the mailman. You've seen him every day for the last five years.
Gene: It's the long con!
Tina: [pointing at Gene] It's him!
Bob: Tina, that's Gene.
Tina: Long con!

Bad Tina [2.08]Edit

Tina: [to Linda] Don't have a crap attack!

Louise: Tina's a lost cause, Mom. Time to focus on your good daughter - Gene!
Gene: I'm pretty!

Tammy: I did a booze cruise through your living room!

Andy: Cool, Mom packed tampons for lunch!
Ollie: Oooh, share!

Tammy: [pointing at Tina] You're a freak! [kids laugh, Tammy farts]
Gene: Oh my God, my ears can smell it! [backs away pointing at Tammy] Laugh-fart, laugh-fart!
[Kids point and laugh]
Zeke: Tammy made a blammy! Ha ha ha, gross!
Tammy: No, it— I didn't do it, it wasn't my butt! [farts] That wasn't me! [farts, cries, and runs away] No, no, it wasn't me. Ow, ow! That one hurt.

Beefsquatch [2.09]Edit

Linda: Bob, Gene, look at yourselves; you're father and son! You're supposed to love each other, not kill each other; this isn't the Bible!

Season 3Edit

Ear-sy Rider [3.01]Edit

Tina: You don't want to mess with my sister. She'll wear down your self-esteem over a period of years.

Dr. Bush: What's your name?
Mudflap: Mudflap.
Dr. Bush: Oh, Mudflap, uh... that was my grandmother's name.
Mudflap: Really?
Dr. Bush: No. No, you're named after a dirty part of a truck.

Mrs. Bush: I don't know how Mudflap is doing this without and epidural. If I hadn't had one with Logan...
Linda: Tell me about it! [Pointing at Tina and Louise] Those two: piece of cake. [Pointing at Gene] That one: the whole cake.

Full Bars [3.02]Edit

Gene: Where are we?
Louise: I think it's a country club.
Tina: It's like a huge miniature golf course!
Gene: The windmills are going to be enormous!

Ticket seller: Oh, those kids are really getting it. I remember Hell Hunt. Still can't stand the sight of eggs. Won't eat 'em, won't touch 'em.
Gene: What about a nice egg salad?
Ticket seller: No more egg talk!
Gene: Yes more egg talk!
Ticket seller: Ahh!
Gene: Eggs!

Louise: Tina, come on.
Tina: But Milo and Ned are back there, and they need us.
[pained screaming is heard in the distance]
Gene: Do they, though?
Louise: Tina, this isn't our fight! Do you really want to stay here and get pee-ballooned?
Gene: Yeah. I can pee on myself. I don't need any handouts!
Tina: Listen, this town gave us the best candy we've ever seen. We owe it to them to go back.
Gene: Great. Now my candy tastes like guilt.
Louise: Augh, FINE! We'll go back and save Milo and what's-his-face, but I get to slap Gene!
Tina: That's fair.
[Louise slaps Gene across the face]

Bob Fires the Kids [3.03]Edit

Tina: If you think about it any box could have vibrators in it.

[Refrigerator groans]
Bob: Tina?

Gene: We all said things we didn't mean. You said, "You're fired." You did not mean that. It sounded very insincere as I remember, and I was like, "Noooo."

Gene: We're working girls now!
Mickey: You're a girl?
Gene: Yes!
Bob: No he's not.
Gene: Yes I am!
Bob: You're not a girl!
Gene: Tell that to my vagina!

Mutiny On The Windbreaker [3.04]Edit

Duval: My replacement. I hope you have a hairnet for your face and arms.
Bob: I'm not replacing you. I'm just cooking one meal for one night for the Captain's table.
Duval: You remind me of me, back when I was the Captain's special guest chef for "just one night"... 56 voyages ago!
[dramatic tone plays]
Duval: Ah, there's the dinner rolls.
Bob: Why does your timer sound like that?
Duval: [angrily] It's French!
[dramatic tone plays]

Bob: [addressing a large pot] Duval, is that you in there?
Duval: [from the pot] No one's in this pot. Go away. I am the spaghetti.

An Indecent Thanksgiving Proposal [3.05]Edit

[Bob is talking to frozen turkeys at the store]
Linda: Yeah, it's a little weird, but it's his selection process.
Tina: It's like The Bachelor, except at the end, the one he chooses gets eaten.
Louise: That's what happens on the real Bachelor, too. They just don't show it on camera.

Mr. Fischoeder: She left me for a married oil magnate. And then a married movie magnate.
Tina: She's a magnate magnet.

Mr. Fischoeder: We're going to do this amusement park style. Every time you do well, you get a ticket. The one with the most tickets at the end of the night wins a prize!
Louise: The only prize I need is your love, Father.
Mr. Fischoeder: [handing Louise a ticket] And we're off and running!

The Deepening [3.06]Edit

Louise: We're adrenaline junkies. We like our rides pure, uncut, and assembled in Meh-hi-co!

Tina-Rannosaurus Wrecks [3.07]Edit

[Tina has crashed into a parked car]
Tina: Oh my God, I ruined the car!
Bob: You did. You really did. On the plus side, there doesn't seem to be any damage to the other car.
Tina: No, I see a dent! There's a dent!
Bob: That's a ding. Not even. It's like a little scratch.
Tina: No, it's a dent!
Bob: Okay, fine. We'll leave a note. Then, for all we know, that was probably already there, right?
Tina: We have to leave a note! We have to leave a note!
Bob: Okay, okay! You're so honest. Who raised you?
Tina: I don't know!
Bob: It was me. I did.

Bob: Tina, why are you wearing a hairnet?
Tina: Because stress is making my hair fall out! Look at me!
[She removes the hairnet; her hair is the same as always]
Bob: Tina, you have the fullest head of hair in the family. I would kill for that hairline.
Tina: I believe you would!

The Unbearable Like-Likeness of Gene [3.08]Edit

Louise: Geez, Courtney. Take a chill pill.
[Courtney's friends gasp]
Courtney: It's okay, it's okay. [to Louise] I will take a chill pill. I will. Because I have a congenital heart condition and I take them every day.
Gene: I had shingles once.
Tina: I have a cut on my leg.
Rupa: Those things aren't congenital.
[The school bell rings]
Gene: Show's over. Time to get our congenitals to class!

Louise: Puberty, puberty, puberty. That's all I hear when you guys talk!

Gene: You should know when you hold hands with me, you're holding hands with everything I've ever eaten.

Gene: My life is more difficult than anyone else's on the planet, and yes I'm including starving children, so don't ask!

God Rest Ye Merry Gentle-Mannequins [3.09]Edit

Mother Daughter Laser Razor [3.10]Edit

(Linda tries to join the kids' game with Bob)
Louise: Mom, it's over. You "Momed" it all up.
Bob: Uh-oh.
Linda: Well Dad's here! Did he "Dad" it all up?
Louise: Yeah, but that's a good thing!
Linda: Fine! I don't wanna play your dumb little game anyway.
Louise: That's 'cause you suck at it!
(Everyone gasps)
Linda: Don't you talk to me like that, Miss Smart-mouth! You just bought yourself a ticket to your room!
Louise: (storming off) Oh, fine! Best money I ever spent! You can't ruin anything in there!

Linda: You know, you're gonna need your mother some day! Who's gonna teach you to shave *your* legs?
Louise: No one! I'm gonna grow them out all long and scraggly!
Louise leaves, then comes back.
Louise: I want to look like a torso on two tumbleweeds!
Louise leaves, then comes back again.
Louise: And I'm gonna learn about sex from television, so I don't need that from you either!

Nude Beach [3.11]Edit

Daryl: Look through the tube, see some boob! Show some green, see some peen!

Broadcast Wagstaff School News [3.12]Edit

Tammy: Our top story: Lenny DeStefano. Is there enough of him to go around, and how can we ration our passion? Jocelyn, who is Lenny asking to the Winter Prom?
Jocelyn: No one knows, but he has been texting the entire drill team. And me.
Tammy: And me also.

Gene: I've been tarred and Bobbed!

My Fuzzy Valentine [3.13]Edit

Tina: My heart was murdered by the word "from." No one says "I from you!"

The Belchers' seat-belt song...
Bob and the Kids: Buckle it up, Buckle it up, Buckle it up or you'll die!

Linda: (singing) Two people, together forever
Security in life
And someone to love ya!
Instead of being all alone
Such a lonely existence
I'd kill myself!
Teddy: Tough song. She's talkin' about us, Mort.

Lindapendent Woman [3.14]Edit

Bob: We'll have to cut down on expenses. What can we live without?
Louise: Probably Gene and Tina.
Bob: That's a good start.
Gene: Huh. Well that makes the things I was gonna cut irrelevant.

Louise: I made it rain shrimp! What did you ever do?

O.T.: The Outside Toilet [3.15]Edit

Mr. Frond assigns flour-sack babies to the boys in the class.
Mr. Frond: Let's have all the fathers come up and assume responsibility for their reckless behavior!

Bob fights a parking ticket...
Bob: Well, Your Honor, I couldn't see the meter because there was a kid standing in front of it. And he was exactly....meter-sized...

Gene: I'm gonna go bet my sisters that there isn't a talking toilet in the woods. That's what we call easy money!
Toilet: Loading artist Eddie Money.
(Eddie Money's "Baby Hold On" begins to play)
Gene: No, no, no! Cancel! Undo!

Topsy [3.16]Edit

(The Belcher kids discover Thomas Edison's "Electrocuting an Elephant" film online.)
Gene: Ooh, an elephant! I'll bet she sneezes and it's adorable!
(In the video, Topsy is electrocuted and falls over dead.)
Tina, Gene, Louise: Aaahhhhhh!
Gene: What was that!? Play it again, play it again!
(Louise replays the video.)
Tina, Gene, Louise: Aaahhhhh!
Louise: It was electrocuted! To death! On purpose! In public! By Thomas Edison!
Gene: What is he, a super villain?

Two for Tina [3.17]Edit

Linda: Awww, Bobby! That's what I love about you. All your sad stories.

Louise: Remember, Tina - a nerd in the hand is worth...not really that much. Never mind.

(Tina can't decide who she wants to go to the dance with. She imagines Josh and Jimmy Jr. dancing to persuade her)
Josh: Choose me, Tina! I asked you first!
Jimmy Jr.: But you asked me first!
Josh: We've got chemistry!
Jimmy Jr.: I've got a butt. Look at it!
Josh: I asked you and only you.
Jimmy Jr.: As far as you know.
Tina: What?
Jimmy Jr.: He said, "As far as you know!"
Josh: I didn't say it. You said it!
Jimmy Jr.: Don't worry about who said it. Just watch the butt!

It Snakes a Village [3.18]Edit

Gene: I'm not afraid of ghosts
I'm not afraid of sharks
I'm not afraid of cancer
I am just afraid of snakes!
They really creep me out
Where are their arms and legs?
It's not okay!

Family Fracas [3.19]Edit

(The Belchers are in the car, which Bob can't get started.)
Louise: Can we roll down the windows? I'm starting to breathe in Tina's breath.
Tina: I think I forgot to brush this morning. Did I?
(She breathes in Louise's face.)
Louise: Yeah. Yeah, you did.

Louise: Can we just go already? Gene took off his shoes!
Gene: And my socks!
Louise: Eww! Why don't you wash your children!?

Tina: Your ass is grass. And I'm gonna mow it.

The Kids Run The Restaurant [3.20]Edit

Bob: This is a big weekend for us. It's Fleet Week.
Gene: Yay! Feet Week!
Bob: No, Fleet Week. Why would there be a "Feet Week?"
Gene: I don't know. There's Arbor Day. Who needs that?

Boyz 4 Now [3.21]Edit

[Boyz 4 Now sing in their music video:]
Allen: I'm mining the cave for love.
Boo Boo: Don't care about the world above.
Griffin: Down here it's dark and cold.
Matt: I'm just lookin' for a nugget of gold.
Griffin: My hat is hard but my heart is soft.
Matt: It's dusty down here and so I cough.
Allen: Cough cough.
All: It's a dirty job, but I ain't stopping.
Griffin: I know I'm breathin' toxins but you're lookin' foxy.
Allen: Will you be mine?
All: Coal mine
Allen: Will you be mine?
All: Diamond—
[Louise turns the TV off]
Tina: Hey, I was watching that!
Louise: Bad enough I'm being forced to go to their concert. It's like I'm going to the electric chair and you're making me watch videos of the electric chair.

Bob: Start making piles of stuff that could go together.
Linda: Uh... Okay, I got one! Lipstick, pepper spray, tiny baby carrots.
Bob: What's the theme?
Linda: "Woman of the Night!" She gets dressed up, she kills a john, she has a snack!
Bob: Uh, let's keep making piles.

[Louise has a crush on Boo Boo.]
Tina: Relax, Louise. I'm going to get you through this. Just tell me what you like about Boo Boo.
Louise: Nothing. Everything, I don't know!
Tina: His hair?
Louise: You mean those soft blonde bangs you wanna hide under like an umbrella on a rainy day? Not really.
Tina: And his face?
Louise: It's so gross I want to slap it. I wanna slap it. I just wanna slap his hideous, beautiful face!
Tina: You mean "kiss?"
Louise: No, I mean "slap."
Tina: Woah. You got it bad, girl.

Tina: I'm no hero. I put my bra on one boob at a time like everyone else.

Carpe Museum [3.22]Edit

Bob: Hey, sometimes good things come from boredom. Like Gene.
Gene: Thank you!
Bob: And Tina.
Tina: [fist-bumps him] Pow.

Louise: Hey, Mr. Frond! Why did the chicken cross the road?
Mr. Frond: I don't know, Louise. Why?
Louise: So he would be in a different school district where there was a different guidance counselor!
[Regular-Sized Rudy clashes his cymbals]
Bob: Louise—
Louise: What?
Bob: Don't say that... here.
Louise: It's fine, I'm out of material.

Regular-Sized Rudy: (having an asthma attack) Fun hurts my lungs...

The Unnatural [3.23]Edit

Tina: I love espresso, coffee, caffeinated teas, and then Jimmy Jr. In that order.

Bob: You don't even know if this Deuce is legit!
Linda: He has a website!
Louise: Yeah, they don't just give those out.
Bob: We're going down there and we're coming back with our money.
Linda: Or with a really good baseball player!
Louise: I hope neither of you are getting your hopes up.

Gene: He gave us his magic, and then he disappeared. Just like Toad the Wet Sprocket.

Season 4Edit

A River Runs Through Bob [4.01]Edit

Gene: [about Bob's multitool] Could it kill an eagle?
Bob: Why would we want to kill an eagle?
Gene: I don't know. They're so condescending.

Linda: Wine helps me drink.

Fort Night [4.02]Edit

Linda: Mort, Teddy, what are you doing right now?
Mort: Adjusting myself without anyone noticing.
Teddy: Watching Mort adjust himself.

Seaplane! [4.03]Edit

Bob: Wait, what are you talking about? Who's "Upskirt Kurt"?
Teddy: Oh yeah, I've heard of that guy. The macho seaplane pilot who beds bored housewives.
Gene: What do you mean "beds"? He makes their beds?
Teddy: No, Gene. Kurt is seducing your mommy.
Gene: Hmmm.
Louise: I hope he's a good listener because that bird loves to chirp.

Louise: [to Mr. Fischoeder] You should teach at my school.
Mr. Fischoeder: And you should work in my coal mine.

Gene: "Upskirt Kurt." What a nickname! I mean, it rhymes, for one.
Louise: Was mom even wearing a skirt? I can't remember.

Mr. Fischoeder: Shake a leg, Bob. Upskirt Kurt moves faster than this. He's not called "Kurt The Long, Slow Courtship Guy!"

Upskirt Kurt: Why'd you headbutt me?!
Linda: I was going to punch you, but I'm holding wine.

My Big Fat Greek Bob [4.04]Edit

Bob: So I'm guessing you guys are not the top frat on campus.
Pud: Nope. Our motto is, "If you rushed us, you'd be pledged by now."
Turd: Worked on me.
Hefty Jeff: We haze with hugs. Lot of good huggers in this group.
Pud: Girls never come here.

Tina: It's a man cave. And Tina's going spelunking.

Turkey In A Can [4.05]Edit

[Bob tries to deduce who put the Thanksgiving turkey in the toilet]
Bob: So, really— no one knows who did this? Louise?
Louise: It wasn't me!
Linda: Louise...
Louise: It wasn't!
Bob: So no one—including Louise—wants to admit they did this? I'm giving you one more chance to confess, then I'm grounding everyone, including your mom and Gayle!
Linda: Bobby!
Gayle: No, it's okay. I didn't have any plans.
Linda: Bob, come on. It was Louise. Or maybe Gene.
Gene: [gasps] How dare you! I put food in the toilet the way God intended! It had to be Louise.
Louise: Unbelieveable. So everyone thinks I did it? Then I must be guilty. That's how it works, right!?
Gene: Yep. Perfect system.

Purple Rain-union [4.06]Edit

[Gayle explains why she doesn't want to re-join Linda's band]
Gayle: You never let me sing any of my songs.
Linda: That's because your songs were all so... [whispers] ...sexual.
Tina: Pardon?
Linda: Plus, you had that speech impediment.
Gayle: I know. I wrote a song about it called "G-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-genitals."

Bob And Deliver [4.07]Edit

Bob: Kids are horrible. Why do we keep making them?

Mr. Platt: If it's bigger than a bake sale, they call Michael Mauerman, and then they get me because I have his number now, and I shut it down!

Mr. Frond: It's over, Bob. Caf-Co won. You're done.
Bob: Meat is done. Not people!
Zeke: Woah, I just got a little chill when he said that.

Zeke: This will always be remembered—until people forget.

Christmas In The Car [4.08]Edit

Linda: It's Christmas Eve and our tree is dead! What are we gonna do, Bobby?
Bob: I don't know, but we had to get it out of the house. It caught on fire twice. I guess we're just not going to have a tree this year.
Linda: N-n-n-not have a tree!? On Christmas!?
Louise: Where are the presents gonna go without no tree?
Gene: We want a divorce!

[The Belchers park their car in the woods to avoid a menacing truck.]
Bob: Okay, everyone just be quiet.
Gene: Can I say just one thing?
Bob: Gene...
Gene: I think I have the best legs in the family. And the smoothest bottom.
Tina: Mom...
Linda: Yes, Tina?
Tina: I was the one who didn't flush. Sorry.
Linda: That's okay, Tina. It was impressive. It looked just like your father's.
Tina: Thanks. That's what I was going for.
Louise: Mom?
Bob: Oh my God...
Louise: Where do babies come from?
Linda: You all came from my vagina.
Gene: Ha! I knew it! Pay up, Tina!

Slumber Party [4.09]Edit

Linda: I can't believe Louise doesn't want to have a slumber party.
Bob: Well, she's not the most social kid. She still hasn't accepted my friend request. And I know she's seen it.
Linda: If she'd just do the things she hates, I know she'd love it.
Bob: That sounds like nonsense.
Linda: Nonsense, or Mom-sense?

Presto, Tina-o [4.10]Edit

Tina: "Danger" is my middle name. But I spell it R-U-T-H.

Easy Com-mercial, Easy Go-mercial [4.11]Edit

Gene: I'm having my own Super Bowl blowout this year. I'm holding all of my BM's until halftime, when I will make a "Super Bowel!"
Linda: Gene, you can't hold your poops in, all right? You gotta set them free, then they go in the sewers and the find their families. And they're happy!
Gene: I'm their family! I raised them!

[Bob tries to fund his commercial by withdrawing from his savings account.]
Banker: [typing on his computer] This is an impressive savings account here.
Bob: Yeah?
Banker: And then, here's yours.
Bob: Okay...
Banker: [switching between the two screens] Good planning, careful saving... [Bob's account] apparent plan, small random deposits.
Bob: Okay, you've made your point.
Banker: Good! I shouldn't even be showing you this other account, but I couldn't think of another way to help you.
Bob: Actually, it's kind of hurtful.
Banker: Aww!
Bob: Look, I know I'm basically emptying my account, but it's for a good reason. I'll be in here soon depositing twice as much.
Banker: Oh, that'll be fun! I'll have our vault enlarged.

The Frond Files [4.12]Edit

Linda: Where are our kids' projects? We can't find them.
Mr. Frond: Oh...they're um...they're over there.
Bob: You didn't point at anything. When you say "over there," you kind of have to point at something.

("Finger Quotes" throughout)
Mr. Frond: The Superintendent is here and I'm already on thin ice with her because my "credentials" aren't "valid" in "this state."

Darryl: Louise, relax! It's me, Darryl. Come with me if you want to continue to be alive.

("Farts Will Set You Free")
It's that gas from your ass
That toot from your boot
That hum in your bum
That loot from your chute
All that air from your ol' derriere
Come on and set it free
'Cause farts are liberty!
What do we wanna do? (Fart, fart!)
Open up your butt cheeks
This is how our butts speak

Mazel Tina [4.13]Edit

Louise: You know a lot about bat mitzvahs for someone who thought Chanukkah was Han Solo and Chewbacca's baby.

Tina: Rumor has it this party will be packed with Beef-ohs.
Bob: What are "Beef-ohs?"
Tina: B-F-O-S; "Boys From Other Schools."
Linda: What's wrong with the boys from your school?
Tina: I need fresh faces. And fresh butts.
Gene: You'll take the butts you're given and you'll like it!

Uncle Teddy [4.14]Edit

(Bob and Linda need a babysitter.)
Bob: Well, there's got to be someone who can watch the kids.
Teddy: I'm someone.
Linda: We could call your cousin Vanessa.
Bob: She's in a cult.
Linda: What, people in a cult can't babysit?
Teddy: I'm not in a cult.
Bob: Come on, there's got to be someone we're not thinking of. What about the checker from the grocery store? She said the kids were cute that one time.
Linda: Ugh! She smells awful!
Teddy: I think your kids are cute. I'd love to watch your kids!
Bob: Teddy, have you ever babysat before?
Teddy: Nope. But I'll bet I'd be good at it. And I wouldn't charge you guys anything.
Bob: Uh, I don't know if...
Linda: (Grabbing Bob's hand and walking him away) Alright, let's hit the friggin' road!

The Kids Rob A Train [4.15]Edit

(On the Wine Train, Bob and Linda notice a wine taster making obnoxious noises as he drinks)
Linda: Oh, that guy must really know what he's doing!
Bob: Why, because he's slurping?

(After Linda invites him over...)
Bob: Linda, no. I don't want to drink with that guy.
Linda: Why? I do, Bobby. He's an expert!
Bob: Well, I was looking forward to a relaxing day off. I wasn't even going to talk to you that much, to be honest.

I Get A Psy-chic Out Of You [4.16]Edit

Teddy: Super-freaky, huh?
Bob: What?
Teddy: Linda was right about who was calling. And where Mort's wallet was. Two predictions in a row!
Gene: Try a third one, Mom!
Linda: Okay! The next person to walk in will be tall, dark and handsome.
Bob: Um, *ahem*, I'm already here.
Gene: Hehe, good one, Papa.
Bob: Thank you, son.
Gene: You're welcome.

(Marshmallow walks into the restaurant.)
Marshmallow: Marshmallow in the house. Now put a burger in my mouth.
Bob: Oh, hey, Marshmallow.
Linda: *(gasps)* Tall, dark and handsome!
Gene: That settles it: Mom's psychic!
Bob: No she isn't! Marshmallow isn't handsome. She's....beautiful.
Marshmallow: Blush!

The Equestranauts [4.17]Edit

(Teddy notices the "Equestra-Con" Flyer on the counter.)
Teddy: Hey, Bob. You going to Equestra-Con?
Bob: Uh, no, Teddy. Because that's a convention for little girls that like toy horses.
Teddy: Beg to differ, Bob. It's for guys that like toy horses. They're called "Equesticles."
Bob: "Equesticles?"
Teddy: Yeah, 'cause they got testicles. 'Cause they're men.

(At the convention...)
Gene: Does anyone else think these girls all look like men?
Louise: I think they are men. This is a kind of man. We've discovered a new kind of man!
Gene: Do you think they're dangerous?
(An "Equesticle" in full costume hums a happy tune while brushing his dolls hair.)

Louise: Tina, did some guy just swindle you out of your toy horse?
Tina: No! I don't know. Kinda. Why would you say that?
Louise: (pointing at Bronconius) He just said it!
Linda: Wha, who, wha, what's goin' on, wha?
Louise: Tina got swindled!
Linda: Ohmygod, ohmygod, ohmygod!
Gene: I told you we should have never left the food court!

Ambergris [4.18]Edit

(The kids discover the lump of ambergris and its distinctive odor.)
Tina, Gene, Louise: (sniff) Gross! (sniff) Great! (sniff) Gross! (sniff) Great!
Louise: I can't stop smelling this enigma of gross-great!
Gene: Is that what sex will be like?

Bob: Did you get my messages about the bathroom? That I left you? For the last several months?
Mr. Fischoeder: Yes, I got them. How the hell did you get my number?
Bob: You gave it to me when we first met.
Mr. Fischoeder: Not to use!

Linda: Rich people run funny. Must be all the money in their pockets. Or their big, rich, golden wieners. Eh, it's probably their wieners.

(As Bob and Linda watch TV, Louise runs into their bedroom to retrieve the ambergris.)
Linda: Hey, why are you going into our room?
Bob: Probably putting something gross in our bed.
Louise: I'm taking something gross out of your bed.
Bob: Oh, okay.
Linda: Thanks, sweetie!

Season 5Edit

Work Hard or Die Trying, Girl [5.01]Edit

[About Courtney's Working Girl musical.]
Gene: So it's just a coincidence that you took a beloved '80s movie - some say the sassy sister film to Die Hard - and set it to music and lyrics?

Tina and the Real Ghost [5.02]Edit

Tammy: Where's Tina? At home, crying into her butt?
Tina: No. My butt is dry. And strong.

Friends With Burger-fits [5.03]Edit

Bob: Here's the deal, Teddy: I can make you soup or salad, but I don't think I can serve you my burgers anymore.
Teddy: You cutting me off, Bobby?
Bob: I guess I... am.
Teddy: You're cutting me off!?
Mort: I think it's for your own good.
Teddy: You stay the hell out of this, Mort! [to Bob] Bob, if you take your burgers from me, I will murder you and your mouthy wife!

Bob: Teddy's not my best friend. He's my best customer. There's a big difference, and I really value that thirty inches of formica that's between us.
Gene: Are you talking about your ding-dong, Daddy? Brag!

Dawn of the Peck [5.04]Edit

Bob: Oh, right! Because that's what Thanksgiving is all about—running around with a bunch of stupid birds and going on rides. Fine, go. But you know what? I am not making dinner!
Louise: He's handling this pretty well.
Bob: No, you're crying!

Best Burger [5.05]Edit

Bob: I can't believe we're competeing agains Skip Marooch. He has a book out. I read it! I mean, I mostly read it. I looked at all the pictures.

Louise: Your name is a verb in this family. We call it "Geneing out."
Gene: I thought that meant taking off your pants after a good meal.
Ron: I was "Geneing out" at work the other day.
Mickey: [swerving the pedi-cab back and forth] I'm "Geneing out" right now!
Gene: Oh my God. I'm a verb. I'm a bad verb!
Tina: You're a "berb."
Gene: I'm a "berb!"

Father of the Bob [5.06]Edit

Gene: One man's trash is another man's Christmas gift for Dad!

Tina Tailor Soldier Spy [5.07]Edit

Linda: Aw, I can't believe you quit the Thundergirls. Are they going to make you turn in your Thunderwear?

Midday Run [5.08]Edit

Regular-Sized Rudy: See, that's why you're going to be a Hall Manatee, and I'm stuck at Hall Minnow. Well, I'm also a Hall Minnow because I'm bad at networking.

Bob: What am I supposed to draw first?
Edith Cranwinkle: First the gesture and then the essence and then the breasts!

Season 6Edit

The Cook, The Steve, The Gayle, And Her Lover [6.06]Edit

Mr. Frond: So, you're in trouble again.
Louise: Drink some cranberry juice.
Mr. Frond: What? No, not "urine trouble!" You are in trouble.

[Regarding a homemade doll]
Tina: I think that's supposed to be Aunt Gayle.
Gene: Well then who's that lady in the living room?


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