Top Gear (series 6)

Series 6

May 22nd, 2005 [6.1]

[During the opening sequence.]

Jeremy: Tonight: Toyota's new small car, can it play football?; The new Range Rover Sport, can it outrun a 120mm tank shell?; And James Nesbitt, how will he get on in our reasonably priced car?

[on the Stig]

Jeremy: Some say he never blinks, and that he roams around the woods at night foraging for wolves. All we know is, he's called the Stig.

[on the Mercedes-Benz CLS 55 AMG]

Jeremy: Listen to that noise! It's like Barry White eating wasps.

[on the Mercedes-Benz CLS 55 AMG]

Jeremy: Look - it's telling me the brakes have overheated and I should "Drive Carefully". [reluctantly] All right, I'll back it off to 140, but that's it. I'm having too much fun.

[on the Mercedes-Benz CLS 55 AMG]

Jeremy: Braking in this car is so brutal, it would be less painful to actually hit the tree you were trying to miss.

[on the Mercedes-Benz CLS 55 AMG]

Jeremy: The back seats aren't terribly comfortable, but they'll do for a short trip to the golf club. And you would be going to the golf club actually, because the satellite navigation screen only lists petrol stations and golf courses. Everything the modern Mercedes-driver needs...

Jeremy: Our transport department is now being run by Darling and Ladyman. [...] Welcome aboard Mr Ladyman. Pop down anytime you like and bring Mr Darling with you.

[on the diesel option for the Range Rover Sport]

Jeremy: You can't have this car with a diesel engine. It'd be like saying, "Well, I won't go to Stringfellows tonight, I'll get my mum to give me a lap dance, she's a woman...!" Yeah, but... [he grimaces]

[Starting Range Rover Sport vs. Challenger 2 Face-off]

Jeremy: So here we are on the start line: Goliath and David... Beckham.

[During the Aygo Football segment]

James: Door ball! That's not allowed!

[see Blue Aygo 2, with ball jammed inside door]

James: Would the Element be a car for people who like hip-hop, or for people waiting for a hip-op?

[The trio have chained themselves to a bus, in a mock eco protest]

James: What do we want?

Jeremy: A Range Rover!

James: When do we want it?

Richard: As soon as we can arrange easy financing!

May 29th, 2005 [6.2]

[During the opening sequence.]

Jeremy: Tonight: Old Jaguars, should you buy one?; Old BMWs, are they as well made as we think?; And old Mitsubishis, should you drive a car built by an aeroplane maker?

[on the Stig]

Jeremy: Some say he's wanted by the CIA, and that he sleeps upside down like a bat... all we know is, he's called the Stig.

[during the news, talking about the Greatest Driving Song]

Jeremy: [to Richard] You! You went on Radio 1 this week, okay? He was on Radio 1, which is a small radio station for, like, four year olds, and he said that the best ever driving song was by a band called, what are they called, the baby-snatchers?

Richard: The BodyRockers, you poor bewildered old fool!

Jeremy: [voiceover] ...Oxford isn't a city, it's a bus lane.

Jeremy: Oxford hates cars!

Richard: [pointing to James' Jaguar] So it's really gonna hate this!!

Jeremy: [voiceover] Back on the road, it turned out Hammond's BMW wasn't all that healthy either. But, it did give him a new game to play...

Richard: Ooh! Hold on a minute! I've got it! There's a problem with my brake lights. I have "Connect Three."

Jeremy: [as Hammond overtakes him] That doesn't sound good.

James: [voiceover] Ah, but Hammond wasn't going to steal the break-down honours from me! Help. [voiceover] With the others far in front, and out of sight, my wipers packed up.

Jeremy: [voiceover] Meanwhile, the Jag just kept pounding round. The only time it came into the pits was when the Captain's sense of direction broke down.

James: No, I didn't mean to come in, I went the wrong way!

[on the Maserati MC12 achieving the fastest lap to date]

Jeremy: You know, well, speed isn't everything... I can't believe I've just said that!

[on the endurance race]

Jeremy: It's not the winning. It's not the taking part. It's just bashing Hammond!

James: Motorsport is rubbish! [At the end of the coupes' race – 29/05/2005]

June 12th, 2005 [6.3]

[During the opening sequence.]

Jeremy: Tonight: Two British sports cars with forged papers; Dr. Who is the star in our reasonably priced car; And I splash out on a seventies Roller.

James: [On the Maserati Bora] Is molto bella!

[on the Wiesmann MF3]

Jeremy: You see the body and you think it's going to be as advanced as mud - but honestly, it corners like a cylon interceptor.

[on the Stig]

Jeremy: Some say that he appears on high value stamps in Sweden, and that he can catch fish with his tongue... we know him only, as the Stig.

[During the news]

Jeremy: [On the Porsche Cayman] Porsche, the laziest design studio in the world!

Jeremy: [On the smart fire car] You know that, erm, World's Wildest Police Chase thing that's on Channel 5 late at night (exaggerated American accent) "There's police chases from around the world!" And it's always a big V8 chasing a Corvette in Australia and America, then they go (American accent again) "We got a chase from the United Kingdom of England Land." And it's, "Oh no it's gonna be so embarrassing!" Sure enough it's a Vauxhall Astra with a big DIESEL sign over it. (Birmingham policeman accent) "Ohh we're chasing this err BMX bike up the err A34." Oh this is going round the world, they're gonna laugh at us!

June 19th, 2005 [6.4]

[During the opening sequence.]

Jeremy: Tonight: I test the Cadillac CTS-V; Hammond tests the new BMW 3-Series; and we get three old ladies to test some small cars, because we couldn't be bothered.

[on the Stig]

Jeremy: Some say he is illegal in 17 U.S. states, and he blinks this way [motioning his fingers in a horizontal fashion]... all we know is, he's called the Stig.

[after getting his Ford back after being fixed for sending out numerous SOS calls while he is in it]

Richard: So finally it's mended, hurrah!

Jeremy: [in high-pitched voice] No!

Richard: You're joking!

Jeremy: I'm not, I'm not! Got in it to come down here, ring-ring "Your car's been stolen!"

Richard: No!

Jeremy: [later, to Ford, via the camera] If you don't mend it, I'm going to bone your dog!

[he then clarifies this as removing all of the dog's bones]

James: For sale: BMW 528. 19K, VGC, TNT, FSH, PAS, AAC, OBC, ICE, ABS, EBD, PDC, DTC, DSC. £15000, ONO [May playing with acronyms in his car advertisement]

Jeremy: But unfortunately, its driver had become bored with waiting. [Clarkson walks up to the Audi S4 with the Stig asleep at the wheel and knocks on the windscreen] Stiggy! Wakey wakey! Listen. We're gonna do a race. Okay? You're going to drive the Audi, and see if you can get past the Cadillac. Okay?

[the Stig stares back through his helmet]

Jeremy: [looking back at the camera] You think that's gone in?

[Jeremy has been looking in some boxes of Hammond's mum. He has now found something, and is practically wetting himself with laughter. He stumbles over to James whilst still laughing]

Jeremy: James, look what I just found in Hammond's box. [shows James]

James: [grimacing] Ooh...

Jeremy: They're his publicity pictures! [to camera] Look at that! [flips picture]

James: [mocking] Late-night love...

Jeremy: [mocking, in "smooth" voiceover style] Late-night love on 96.3 Cleveland FM, with Richard Hammond. [flipping through pictures] But look...

James: This is one of thirty radio stations and... [Jeremy finds the picture he's looking for] Oh! [tries unsuccessfully to stifle laughter] Hang on!

[both crack up]

Jeremy: I can see why he gets the jobs hosting Crufts. [to camera] Ready, steady... [flips picture to reveal a younger Richard with wavy, shoulder-length hair, resembling a classical musketeer... James manages to splutter "Dogtanian!" before he and Jeremy completely dissolve into laughter.]

Richard: [in the episode where their mums test three hatchbacks] Now we're just using boxes of old junk [lifts a box] cleared out of the mothers' lofts. You know, the kind of... the old tat that no one could possibly want, or... be prepared to read [holding up two of Jeremy's books and one of his solo videotapes]

[on the Peugeot 407]

Jeremy: Looks good but no, it'll fall to pieces. Made by people who eat onions!

James: [talking about the Peugeot 1007's heavy electric doors] I think they were right about the Peugeot, because if we'd tested this we'd have spent all day with that button going "bzzzzt" and saying "Hey, this is like Star Trek!". But our mothers managed to see beyond that and recognize that the rest of this car is rubbish!

June 26th, 2005 [6.5]

[During the opening sequence.]

Jeremy: Tonight: A Formula One world champion is the Star In Our Reasonably Priced Car; the Jaguar E-Type and the Aston Martin DB5; and the British Army shoots me in the face.

[On the Jaguar E-Type losing a drag race to the Honda Accord.]]

Jeremy: (voiceover) It seems like a strange result. I mean, when Jaguar launched the E-Type they said it would do 150 miles an hour. So how could it lose to a Japanese box? Well, let me explain.

Jeremy: They were lying!

[on the Mercedes SLK-55]

Jeremy: Come on automatic gearbox, WAKE UP!

[driving the new Mercedes Benz SLK while being shot by the Irish Guard snipers]

Jeremy: I'VE JUST SOILED MYSELF!!!!!

[A few moments later...]

Jeremy: I've been shot in the ear, the lungs, and there's a big mess in my pants!

July 17th, 2005 [6.8]

[During the opening sequence.]

Jeremy: On tonight's show: I drive the Audi TT Convertible, in Iceland; Richard drives the Nissan 350Z Convertible, in Iceland; And James drives the Chrysler Crossfire Convertible. Guess where?

[on the Stig]

Jeremy: Some say that his heart ticks like a watch, and that he's confused by stairs... all we know is, he's called the Stig.

Jeremy: Hello, and welcome to Top Gear. Now we get quite a few complaints that we don't feature enough affordable cars on the show, so we're kicking off tonight with the cheapest Ferrari of them all.

Jeremy: [On the Ferrari F430's various drive modes] And then CST, which turns all the driver aids off. Don't know what CST stands for... Commit... Suicide... Training..?

James: I bet you any money he's come over to tell me he's stumped by that Chrysler.

Jeremy: James? I'm stumped by that Chrysler.

July 24th, 2005 [6.9]

[During the opening sequence.]

Jeremy: Tonight: Thunderberks are go; we attempt a World Record; and the most annoying car I've ever driven turns out to be one of the best.

[on the Stig]

Jeremy: Some say that his voice can only be heard by cats, and that he has two sets of knees... all we know is, he's called the Stig.

Jeremy: He's a hugely successful DJ, television presenter, and business man. And he achieved all this despite being born with a terrible affliction... [laughing] Ginger hair.

[Jeremy and James are discussing the Vauxhall Astra and Jeremy is lamenting its lack of grip to go with its very powerful engine]

James: It's sort of exciting though, admit it.

Jeremy: It's exciting in the same way as being shot at is exciting.

James: [While driving someone] The interesting thing about the French nation, I think, because they are essentially peasants and Communists, is that they are quite good at the fairly small and fairly simple car.

James: [On voting for the greatest driving song] However your home may be at risk if you vote for Meatloaf!

July 31st, 2005 [6.10]

[During the opening sequence.]

Jeremy: Tonight: James May thinks he's a racing driver; Richard Hammond thinks he's Jesus; and I think I'm going to be killed.

James: I'd give... the rest of me year's salary... to see that sink [When Jeremy was on an Argocat amphibious vehicle]

[during the outdoor toys test]

Jeremy: You do know why James is feeling more sedated than usual?

Richard: Tired, scared?

Jeremy: He's had an operation.

Richard: Where?

Jeremy: [whispers into Richard's ear] On his arse.

Richard: Ooh! That's... gotta hurt!

Jeremy: That's ...why [laughter]

Richard: With the saddle and everything!

James: [voiceover] It's true.

[Jeremy has managed to get his quad bike running]

Jeremy: Well done, Mr Mole-Husband, you're off. [The quad suddenly stalls, and Jeremy becomes frustrated] OHHH GO-O-OD! I HATE THIS QUAD!!!

[on the high powered quad bike]

Jeremy: This has a top speed - and I know this because I've done it - of one million miles an hour, a million! What really annoys me is that Hammond's gonna go, "Hey, it's really pretty, I can ride standing up and everything!" and I can't. Because I'm too tall and too old and too fat and I hate it!

Richard: It has a 450cc, single cylinder engine that makes a thousand, million horsepower, and it's faster than light!

[talking about the hovercraft]

Jeremy: Now, listen chaps, I have had the pleasure of driving one of these before and there are one or two things I need to tell you. First of all, okay, if you see an obstacle, like if we're going over there, if you see one of those trees coming towards you—too late, you're gonna hit it.

Richard: Alright, okay.

Jeremy: Well, you're not worried about that?

Richard: Well, if that's what happens….

Jeremy: You'll turn the handlebars, that won't make any difference—straight on, okay? So you think, "Alright, I'll lift off the power, the air will come out of the sack, it'll dig in and you'll be jettisoned at 50 miles an hour into the tree—

Richard: Oh, so you hit the tree with or without the hovercraft.

Jeremy: Yes, that's your choice.

[after falling off a hovercraft]

Jeremy: I've been killed, I've definitely been killed.

James: [Commenting on Dubai whilst there] I've got shirts older than this city.

Jeremy: "Yes, Lucifer has come to our little world of milk and petrol." (Speaking of the BMW 535d allowed to come on TG's track, the first diesel powered car on their track, the "rule breaker")

James: [On voting for Bat Out Of Hell as the best driving anthem ever] If you do choose to vote for Bat Out of Hell then we will come round and cut off YOUR electricity!

Richard: If we were to go to one of those offroad centers-they're springing up all over the place, where you can rent stuff out and do what we did, what would you have? And I'm telling you straight-away, it wouldn't be the racing quads, because you might as well just say, "I'd like to rent some death, please, for the day!"

Jeremy: Yeah, "I want to be dead within the hour!", "Certainly sir, have one of these!"

Jeremy: [On which buggy was better] Question is, which one? Cause your Drakart…great fun, lots of sideways action-

Richard: Hooligan-style!

Jeremy: -but quite unsophisticated; it was like going sideways in scaffolding.

August 7th, 2005 [6.11]

[During the opening sequence.]

Jeremy: Tonight: James tries his hand at being Beethoven; Richard wrestles a rampaging bull; and I develop a sudden urge to marry my cousin.

[on the Stig]

Jeremy: Some say that he's terrified of ducks, and that there's an airport in Russia named after him... all we know is, he's called the Stig.

[During the news]

Jeremy: You told me the other day that your bike, whatever it is, sounds like you belching.

James: No, I didn't.

Jeremy: You did!

James: No. What I said was the sound at low revs from the exhausts is like the sound that a burp makes when it's forming [pointing at his stomach] down here...

Jeremy: I don't want to hear a forming burp going past my house on a Sunday afternoon, with someone dressed like a Power Ranger! I don't want that!

Jeremy: [on the Ford F150] So, there are several small reasons why we don't need a pick-up like this and then there's the main one: it's rubbish.

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Top Gear (series 6)