Top Gear (series 19)

Series 19

January 27th, 2013 [19.1]

[While accelerating in the Pagani Huayra]

Richard: Oh, dear God! Naught to 60 in 3.2 seconds and then on into space...That is savage! Savage, savage thing! I can't get enough of that. I'm gonna do that again.

[On the Huayra's handling]

Richard: Amazingly, you can corner this car like a halfwit and come out the other side alive. And that's because, in the Huayra, the black art of aerodynamics is watching over you...It doesn't feel big, like a Lambo, and it's all been set up so well and made so stable that even I can corner it hard without hiding in the glovebox whimpering.

[Concluding his review of the Pagani Huayra]

Richard: There might be some people watching right now who could actually afford one of these things. And it's the job of you, me, and everybody else to stand around and join together in a chorus: DO IT! DO IT! DO IT!

[On The Stig]

Jeremy: Some say that we have at least thought of a new way of introducing him. But we haven't. It's The Stig!

[On the Pagani Huayra]

Jeremy: The Pagani...Pagani Hu, Huuuuuuin.

Richard: Huayra.

Jeremy: Huummugh. It's a stupid name!

Richard: Why is it stupid?

Jeremy: It hasn't got any consonants in it. Consonants are the meat of the language; if you had no consonants in your name, you'd be...I-a. And I'd be...Eeeee.

Richard: People have waited a long time for us to come back, and that's it.

[While going into a theatre in the P45]

Jeremy: This is the joy of a P45. Everything is a drive-through.

[Referring to those performing "Radio Ga Ga" during the musical "We Will Rock You"]

Jeremy: Not a single gay man on that stage.

[Jeremy pitches his P45 idea to the wealthy investors of Dragon's Den UK]

Jeremy: You must come and have a look.

Evan Davis: [voiceover] Theo Paphitis decides to take a closer look.

Theo Paphitis: Jeremy. It's s***.

Jeremy: It isn't!

Theo Paphitis: It is. Totally and utter s***.

Evan Davis: [voiceover] Theo Paphitis thinks Jeremy's car still needs work.

Evan Davis: [voiceover] Theo Paphitis is out, which means Jeremy's only chance is Duncan Bannatyne.

Duncan Bannatyne: [Scottish accent] Well, Jeremy. I'm the last Dragon in. I tried to tempt them by making an offer, hoping they would come in with me.

Jeremy: Sorry, I can't understand a word you're saying.

[looks of disapproval from all investors]

Duncan Bannatyne: That is... I'm out.

Evan Davis: [voiceover] Jeremy has insulted Duncan Bannatyne, and now he too is out.

February 3rd, 2013 [19.2]

Jeremy: Tonight, I point at a thing, Richard walks through a shop and James has some bananas.

Jeremy: Now every so often, we like to remind ourselves that this is a motoring show. So we get three really nice cars, and go for a long drive. And what we do, is we take it in turns to choose the location. So, if it's my turn, we usually end up in France. If it's James's turn, we usually end up in... 1953. [laughter from the audience] Tonight though, it was Hammond's turn. So guess what.

Jeremy: Not again. Hammond, why do you like it in America so much? Every nice piece of road has an 8mph speed limit on it.

Richard: I don't know, don't ask me, it's not my fault.

Jeremy: Yes, it is. I mean, what are we going to hit? What are we going to hit here? There's nothing. No wildlife, no people. This is stupid. It's stupid!

Jeremy: [voiceover] Eventually, though, the 35mph hour limit ended, and thanks to some trickery in the edit, we were able to take our cars up to a dizzying 55mph.

Jeremy: [after he was easily over taken by a pick up truck in a drag race] THAT'S THERE?!

[During the Aerial Laser Quest Challenge]

Jeremy: They're just shooting at me because my car's Japanese!

[Jeremy decides to use the LFA's destination assistance during the Aerial Laser Quest challenge]

Woman: Lexus Enform, this is Cheryl, where would you like to go today?

Jeremy: I'm being attacked by fighter planes!

Woman: I'm sorry, can you repeat that?'

Jeremy: Yes, I'm being attacked. There are fighter planes and I'm trying to get away from them. Do you have any suggestions?

Jeremy: [voiceover] She didn't. And as a result, the game became a turkey shoot.

Jeremy: Desperate times call for desperate measures.

Woman: Lexus Enform, this is Sonia, where would you like to go today?'

Jeremy: Yes, hello, I've accidentally painted a gentleman's sausage on a storm drain.

Woman: Oh, my.

Jeremy: Yeah, I need to run away.

February 10th, 2013 [19.3]

Jeremy: Tonight, I stop for petrol, Richard wears some sunglasses, and James sees some shirts.

[On The Stig]

Jeremy: Some say that, following the vote on gay marriage, he's got engaged to James May… 's lawn mower. And that he's become convinced this week that Henry IV is buried under the Follow Through.

[After posting the Toyota GT86's understandingly poor lap times]

Jeremy: But, once again, we must turn to the baby Jesus who once said, "He who shall be last, shall be sideways and smiling."

James: I haven't been on a night bus since the late '80s, but when I did, it wasn't like this.

Richard: I was envisaging a sea of sick, sloshing from side to side.

[In the Shelby Mustang GT500, Jeremy found a fault]

Jeremy: [voice over] And nor, as it turned out, was the Mustang's voice activated telephone directory.

Jeremy: Richard Hammond.

Female Computer Voice: For media device, say, "User device, USB line in" or "Bluetooth audio". For settings, say, "Phone or Voice settings". For sync services, say, "Services". If a route is active, you can say, "Next turn", "Update route", "Route status..."

Jeremy: [angrily] Shut up!

[later]

Female Computer Voice: Or see the tips available at www dot sync my ride dot com.

Jeremy: [shouting] Please, stop talking!

[On Amy Macdonald's success in various European countries]

Jeremy: Do they understand what you're on about there?

Amy Macdonald: Erm, most of them understand. I have had the odd strange comment. One in particular was, "Now that you're successful, will you learn to speak English properly?"

Jeremy: And will you?

Amy Macdonald: I still haven't!

Jeremy: Sorry, Scotland! Couldn't help myself! Couldn't help myself!

Jeremy: Sitrep, I've eaten my last pork pie… and I've eaten all my sausage rolls.

February 17th, 2013 [19.4]

[During the opening sequence]

Jeremy: Tonight, James draws on a board, Richard waves at a man, and I run away from a table.

[On The Stig]

Jeremy: Some say he contains 47% horse. [laughter] And that to concentrate more on his work here, he's resigned, this week, from his other job in Rome.

[On the Peugeot Onyx concept car shown in the studio]

James: It looks absolutely fantastic and you'll notice that some of the bodywork is made from copper. Just like the boiler tubes on a Gresley A4 Streamliner Pacific Locomotive.

Jeremy: [hurriedly] Yes, James, yes, yes.

James: And it's actually untreated copper so over time, it'll turn green … unless a scrap metal merchant removes it in the night.

Richard: Inside they've continued the theme of using unusual materials, so the dashboard is made out of recycled newspaper. I'm guessing they'll have used the Guardian for everything on the left and the Telegraph for everything on the right. Actually the newspaper is good because it means there is no need to Bluetooth your phone to it; The dashboard will already have listened to your messages for you.

[During the half time of the Kia Cee'd and Sportage car rugby]

Jeremy: [voice over] And, in the dressing rooms, we had the obligatory team talks.

Jeremy: Right, chaps, we are fine athletes, I think anyone can see that. But there is a lot we can learn from actual rugby players. [gestures to the whiteboard behind him] This was drawn up for a recent match they played and this is what I want you to concentrate on in the second half. "Mindset", "Go for it", "Enjoy it", "Never give in". OK? And I think we can add a fourth to that, which is [writing] "Ram James May". OK? Ram him whenever you see him and ram him hard. Really hard.

February 24th, 2013 [19.5]

[During the opening sequence]

Jeremy: Tonight, I hold up a jar, James points at a hill, and Richard eats a sandwich.

[While working on the Rover James, a car made exclusively for the elderly people, Jeremy shows off his modified speedometer]

Richard: Brilliant — so it only reads 20 even if they're doing 80 miles an hour.

Jeremy: [correcting Richard] 115. [imitating an old woman] "I'm only doing 17 miles an hour," so they're happy. The people stuck behind, whose wives are in labour and they have meetings to get to, they're happy. Everybody wins.

Jeremy: [voice over] I was also rather proud of my old-people-friendly rear fog light.

Jeremy: This will be mounted in the car, this is the switch. So as soon as it starts a little bit of light drizzle, the elderly person turns on the rear fog light and then what happens round the back is… absolutely nothing at all.

Jeremy: [voice over] Hammond softened the suspension and I installed a pet cage.

Richard: A cat bolted to the roof?

Jeremy: I'm not bolting the cat, I'm bolting the cat cage to the roof and then it'll be up here and I won't get asthma.

[While driving Rover James]

Jeremy: Now, listen, I've got a couple of questions for you. First of all, this. [making squeaking noise]

Richard: Yeah. Underneath the brake pedal, I've fitted one of these, [holding up a squeaky rubber ball] so you know which pedal you're hitting.

Jeremy: Oh, I see! So there's no chance of unintended acceleration.

Richard: Yeah, that's a big problem solved.

Jeremy: Am I pushing the right pedal? [squeaking noise] Yes, I am! There's an audible reminder! That's brilliant!

Richard: Not only that, but the nature of the noise…

Jeremy: Yes, it's funny. When it comes to cadence braking… [rapid squeaking noise heard]

Richard: Oh, that is lovely!

Jeremy: …'cause a cadence-braking situation is a panic situation —

Richard: Yeah, it's bad.

Jeremy: — but that sprinkles some comedy into it.

[While playing bingo]

Richard: I've never concentrated so hard in my life.

Caller: Two and eight, 28.

Jeremy: Oh! I'm literally wetting myself!

Caller: One and five, 15.

Jeremy: It's coming out!

Caller: All the sixes, 66.

Jeremy: Oh! Say 86!

Caller: Six and five, 65.

Jeremy: Oh, boll —!

[While trying to get an elderly woman into the high seat chair of the Rover James]

Richard: See, in the advert for the chairs, we were told they were very easy to get into and out of, you know.

Elderly woman: Get me bottom round.

Jeremy: Shall we get a nurse to do this?

Elderly woman: No, I'll do it if it kills me!

Richard: Well, we'd rather it didn't!

Jeremy: I was going to say —

Richard: There's a lot of paperwork.

Elderly woman: I'm so sorry.

Richard: Can I help at all?

[She finally manages to get in properly]

Jeremy: Well done, with both our dignity nearly intact!

March 3rd, 2013 [19.6]

Listed as the Top Gear: Africa Special

March 10th, 2013 [19.7]

Listed as the Top Gear: Africa Special

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Top Gear (series 19)