[Jeremy Clarkson did not speak during the opening sequence of this episode.]
[Introducing the quest to find the greatest driving road]
James: Right. It's time for a question. And the question is, "Where is the best driving road in the world?" Something that has everything. The challenging bends, no traffic, the great views, the long fast straights... the lot.
[Jeremy walks up to a world map]
Jeremy: Yep. Um, [points to North America] now it's unlikely to be here because they're... everyone does five, [points to South America] it's not gonna be here because they're all on drugs, [points to Africa] that's all just full of ox. Uh, [points to Antarctica] Al Gore says that's gone so it's not going to be down there, [points to Australia] that's full of spiders, [points to the Philippines] signs here are full of gibberish...
Richard: Oh, Jeremy-
Jeremy: [points to mainland Asia] ... they're all communists, [points to the Middle East] can't go there 'cause the Americans will shoot you.
Richard: No, thank you. Alright, obviously we did discuss this at length and we eventually decided the best driving road in the world was probably somewhere in continental Europe. Specifically around here, [points to the Alps on a map of Europe] the Alps. Then we decided that the best thing to do was to go there and see if we could find it.
[After Richard's narration in the opening scenes]
Richard: Now obviously you can't go searching for the best driving road in the world, in a Japanese hatchback, or a people carrier. So what we thought we'd do is bring along a selection of the new generation, of lightened supercars.
James: Well yeah, I suppose it is if you're a fat, middle-age bloke who wants to bore everybody about the track days you've been on. As you'd expect, I've done it properly and got myself a proper, gentleman's racer; the Aston Martin V8 Vantage N24.
[Upon hearing the thunderous wash of engine noise reverberating from their super cars off the walls of the Swiss Alps]
Jeremy: The hills are alive to the sounds of horsepower!
Jeremy: It hasn't got anything in it at all! It doesn't even have a passenger seat!
James: This isn't just some road car Porsche with a bit of scaffolding in the back. It's two hundred and fifty kilograms lighter than the standard car! That's the weight of a big motorcycle.
Richard: So, you've got no radio...
Jeremy: You've got no carpets.
Richard: No air conditioning.
Jeremy: James, you have got a car with no air conditioning, in the south of France, in the middle of summer.
Richard: It's better than that! His windows don't open!
James: Yes they do, actually...
Richard: That's a cat flap!
[Jeremy on the VW Golf GTi W12]
Jeremy: My biggest problem with it is that I can't see the point of saying "I've got a supercar and the great thing is it looks like a Golf." That's like saying "I'm married to a supermodel and the great thing is she looks like a traffic warden."
[on the Stig.]
Jeremy: Some say that his scrotum has its own small gravity field, and that because our producer rigged a phone vote, he now has a new name. All we know is, he's called Cuddles.
[on the concept Golf GTI W12, during the Stig's lap]
Jeremy: No CD today, because predictably, the CD player doesn't work.
Jeremy: So! Top Gear top tip: Ah, if you want a slow car that looks like a Golf... get a Golf.
James: You're not seriously suggesting that the British Coast Guard drove all the way up to Watford and set fire to our chairs, are you?
Jeremy: Can I just say, the seats we used to have were from a Vauxhall Senator. So if anyone out there is watching and they have a Vauxhall Senator -
Richard: Well, hang on, you're gonna say "if you've got a Vauxhall Senator and you don't need the seats."
Jeremy: That's right. Uh, write to us at "I've got a Vauxhall Senator and I drive everywhere standing up," BBC Television, uh, London, wherever we are.
[on Top Gear's new seating]
Jeremy: I love the way James has gone into that chair as though he belongs.
James: This is the Bentley Brooklands, It's a uh, it's a two-door um, um, what's the other one called that they make?
Jeremy: [laughing] Continental, Azure, Arnage...
Richard: My, we have been off for a while, haven't we...
[on the recall of several Bentley models for wheel nuts that could come loose while the car's being driven]
Richard: Bentley say it's not a big deal? [looks mystified, shrugs] It's only one batch of nuts affected; it only affected, I've got it written down here, it only concerns the Arnage R. And the Arnage T. And the Arnage RL. And the Azure. So basically, pretty much all of the cars they make. And it's only those built between February '05... and August last year. That's a year and a half!
Jeremy: No, my favorite is, the government, OK, who actually run this recall, they say here, "If the bolts do become loose, this would in all probability be noticeable to the driver."
Richard: Yes it would.
Jeremy': "... As there would be a considerable mechanical knocking noise."
Richard: What, when a wheel comes off?
Jeremy: And sparks. And [pantomimes being in a rolling car]sky road sky road ditch.
Richard: [pantomimes driving] "Dear, I think there might be something wrong with the car!"
Richard: ...it is time to do, the Cool Wall!
[the camera reveals the fire-damaged Cool Wall]
Richard: Unfortunately, the Cool Wall was one of the major casualties in our fire, but we will persevere.
Jeremy: Yes we will, and we're going to kick off with this! [pulling a fire-damaged picture from a box]
Richard: Is it a Golf?
Jeremy: No, it looks more an Alfa...
[Jeremy approaches an audience member]
Jeremy: What do you think that is?
Man: It's an Audi.
[Jeremy closely examines the picture]
Jeremy: How empty is your life, that you are able to determine that this is an Audi from that photograph...
[From the unedited news]
James: I've seen you (Jeremy) multi-task whilst driving.
Richard: No, you can't talk about that on telly, mate.
Jeremy: That isn't in the highway code: Wank!
Richard: [Laughs] Does it say anything about wanking in your Lambo?
Jeremy: Sometimes, on long journeys, there's nothing else to do!
[From the unedited news]
Richard: Although it gives me an idea, 'cause we've got our track here; why don't we have track days, but instead of getting caught up on how fast you go round and all that, we just let people smoke while they're driving.
Jeremy: Or put their make-up on.
Richard: Or use their mobile phone. All the stuff you want to do.
Jeremy: Or eat a pie.
Richard: Yeah! Round our track.
James: Yeah! Yeah! And speed!
Jeremy: And have a wank. [Whilst making masturbation gestures] I'm going round the Hammerhead now!
Richard: Ahh, none of that's going on the telly!
Jeremy: [haltingly consulting the instruction manual of his Lamborghini Gallardo Superleggera, which is in Italian] Consola centrale con... interatore aperture sportello... rifornimento. [translating] "We are useless Italians and we haven't built this properly."
Richard: So, the cars. James?
Richard: I love the Porsche. But, the thing is, I still don't understand why it's 15,000 more for the RS Model.
Jeremy: I've got to say the same thing for my Lambo. I don't believe that I wouldn't have as much fun driving in a normal Gallardo.
James: Hang on. So we went on a driving holiday and all the cars were wrong?
Richard: Yes! We're back in business!
Jeremy: Top Gear: Ambitious, but rubbish! (Audience laughing) And more of that next week, see you then. Good night!
[Showing the oil drums on the back of his "Nissank"]
Jeremy: These should give me more...ummm.....ummmm.
Crew Member: Stability.
Jeremy: Yes, that.
[reacting to the English Channel challenge]
Jeremy: I'm 47 years old. I'm gonna be run down by a Korean grain carrier and minced.
Richard: Yeah. But what a day!
[As Richard's dampervan creates plumes of white smoke]
Jeremy: It is like the West Indian dope smoking team practising in the car.
[Cue to Richard, a large smile on his face]
[As his Herald sinks]
[Richard drops his Porsche pipe]
Richard:I've spun off in me Porsche, look at that!
Jeremy: Mine won't start properly.
Richard: No, of course it won't. It's a Porsche, persevere.
[Jeremy puts the wrong end of his pipe in his mouth]
Richard: No, what are you doing, man! No! Other way round, you - ah!
Jeremy: It's a 911 Porsche, hot bit goes at the back.
Richard: [To Jeremy] You don't look right with that, but have you noticed [clears throat] over my shoulder? [Indicates May, who looks like he's enjoying a quiet day in the smoking room of a Victorian gentlemen's club.]
James: [Using his pipe to point at Hammond] I'll tell you something...
Richard: You see? He's pointing!
James: I haven't actually got anything to tell you, but I just wanted to point at you with my pipe, like pipe smokers. [Points with his pipe at Clarkson] And I'll tell you something else.
[Clarkson burns his tongue with his pipe]
Jeremy: Oh God!
[Richard, James and audience laugh]
Jeremy: That's not gone well!
[Due to the lit tobacco on his tongue, it rather sounded like 'Dat's not gonn woll!', causing even more laughter.]
Richard: Jeremy... hold on! Jeremy...
Jeremy: 'Cube we a winit. ["'Scuse me a minute" with burning tobacco in his mouth.]
[Clarkson gets up and goes off-camera to spit out the tobacco, amid audience hilarity, then returns to his seat giggling helplessly.]
Richard: Can I - can I just get quite clear, what you just did as a grown man was light a pipe and put the wrong end of it in your mouth.
[Clarkson is still cracking up and can't answer him.]
Jeremy: Tonight: James drives a Rolls-Royce. Richard drives a Bugatti Veyron. And I drive something that isn't either of those things.[Shows video of Jeremy driving a Peel P50 round the BBC Office]
Richard: Imagine if you will that you've bought a Bugatti Veyron. It's a big investment! You'd be very excited about the day it was to be arriving. So you'd imagine such a thing would be delivered, you know, on like a golden carriage on a bed of swan's feathers. It's a special moment in your life.
Jeremy: I'd want mine borne aloft by sixteen greased, naked eunuchs. That's what I'd want.
Richard: Whatever, the point is, that's the sort of thing you'd expect. It's a big moment. In Russia they do things a little bit differently. Here is one, being transported... [photo of a Veyron on the back of a grubby, industrial Russian truck] There's your Bugatti. [bad Russian accent] "I've brought your Bugatti, sir, it is here!" What, it's on a flatbed pickup!
Jeremy: [also in bad Russian accent] Great success!
Jeremy: Built on the Isle of Man in the early 60's, the P50 was said to be almost cheaper than walking. It cost 150 pounds and did 100 miles to the gallon. It sounds perfect, then, for the roads of today.
[On the Peel P50]
Jeremy[shouting]: What I've got down here by my right leg making noise and generating quite a bit of heat is the 49cc engine from a moped! Top speed rather depends on how big you are, and actually how much you had for breakfast. But realistically, even the skinniest, shortest chap with the whitest of teeth would struggle to get past... 35?
[Whilst driving through London in the Peel P50]
Jeremy: There's something I just realised. I have to pay congestion charge in this part of London. But the camera crew in the Lexus 4x4 don't because it's a hybrid. How fair is that?! I mean, it's not like I'm creating any pollution at all! [accelerates, leaving a trail of smoke behind him]
[Talk about Lamborghini Reventón, which Jeremy insists should be pronounced Rebentón.]
Richard: Anyway, it has a 6.5L V12.
Richard: Yep, whatever. It can do two hun...
Richard: Please stop that, it's very annoying. It can do 220 miles per..
Jeremy: Bery annoying.
Richard: Leave it!!
[Ending their feature of the Reventón]
Jeremy: Couple of problems: One, they're only making twenty and only one's coming to Britain; the other thing is, eight hundred thousand pounds!
Richard: Yep, that is quite a lot...
Jeremy: Hmmn... But with this, you would get a lot of badge.
Richard: Badge? (ponders, then realizes...)... Oh! V-NO! No no no.
Jeremy: Think I got away with that. So!
Jeremy: [watching Fiona Bruce walk away from the P50] She has got quite a nice bottom. ... I said that out loud, didn't I.
Hamilton: I dunno - I should have asked him, actually, because he was really on the left - this was Malaysia and he was really on the left, so I could outbrake him.
Jeremy: [singing in slurred Finnish accent] "I win this race and then I go down pu-ub... Who pass me? Oh, that's that new boy gone past..."
Hamilton: It is actually quite exciting when you're flying headfirst into a barrier - the initial part, the initial part is actually quite fun, especially when you hit the gravel trap and you get some air, and then you see it coming and you think 'erk - it's gonna hurt!'
[During Hamilton's lap]
Hamilton: C'mon man! [looking at the speedo] 56 miles an hour, what the...?
[During Hamilton's lap]
Hamilton: Look at the grip... This thing will put a Formula 1 car to shame!
Jeremy: Tonight: We take part in our first ever motor race. James tests the new Fiat 500 near some youths on bicycles. And the Ascari A10. Just how fast is this thing?
[on the BMW 330d they bought to convert it into a racing car]
Richard: This is the car we enrolled. It's a BMW 330d, four years old, done 45.000 miles, we paid 11 grand for it. And now, we must turn it into a racing car by [he pauses, then continues uncertainly] ...bolting lots of racing car bits to it.
Jeremy: What if I have to get out of somebody's way to let him go by...
Richard: ...I don't know, I don't know...
Jeremy: This is without any question or shadow of doubt the scariest thing I've ever done.
James: I've broken my zip.
Richard[irritated]: That's bad?
[two hours before the race is scheduled to start, James comes up to Jeremy and Richard]
James: Whatever you do, don't do downstairs and look at the car. It's got no front end. No lights, no radiator, no bumper, no splitter, no front of the engine, no bonnet. That fuel pump thing is right in the bowels of the thing. They've got the whole front off. It's like trying to repair something in France from this end of the Channel Tunnel.
[Jeremy and Richard come downstairs to the garage]
Jeremy: James will be exaggerating... [sees the car] James isn't exaggerating. [we see the car, which has indeed got no front end] And it's leaking. I watch Formula One a lot, and I've never seen a Formula One car, two hours before a race, looking like that.
[on the qualifying in the night]
Richard: [voiceover] Then it was Jeremy's turn.
Jeremy: Holy cow, I can't see a thing...
Richard: [voiceover] He tried to cure the lack of visibility with speed.
Jeremy: I just took Bridge Corner flat, first time I...oh, I'm off! People behind me must be thinking, "Who is this clown?"
[When Jeremy attempts to talk with The Stig after the car broke down]
Jeremy: Did it fill with smoke? Did it lose power?
[When James May was in the car for the first time]
Jeremy: [voiceover] A few minutes later, something amazing happened.
James: I've overtaken someone!
[During the night in the race, Jeremy is in the driver's seat]
Jeremy: I'm coming up behind those Italians in the 1 Series! Look at this, it's neck on neck...now he's come across my nose! We saved you from the Germans, and that's what I get?!
Richard: [talking into his radio] Don't wreck the car!
[while The Stig is at the wheel]
Jeremy: ...and even though the missing splitter was ruining the handling, nothing was gonna stop him - nothing!
Richard: Right now, at this very moment, the computers tell us The Stig is having a wee in the car - and I'm next... [grins nervously]
James: [before the Fiat 500 vs. BMX race in Budapest, James talks about his competition, a pair of BMX cyclists] These wasters just ride around all day like those kids in the ET film. So to borrow the phrase from the ancient philosopher Clarksonius, 4th Century BC: "How hard can it be?"
James: [after losing to the cyclists at Budapest] Oh, cock! In Hungarian.
[at the end of the race, back in the hangar]
Richard: Can I just say, that was the hardest thing we've ever done - being nice to each other for 24 hours.
Jeremy: Well, you know when you pulled up in the pits and you said "Good luck, mate", I nearly crashed!
Richard: Ooh, I felt dirty saying it, mate; it was wrong.
Jeremy: Still, we ended up coming third in our class...
James: ...out of five...
Jeremy: ...out of five, yes, and we finished 39th out of 46, [turning to James] partly actually because you drove so slowly!
James: Ooh, now, come on a minute...
Richard: Actually, hang on, you risked us not finishing at all by driving like an idiot in that last stint...
Jeremy: No, but wait, we would have finished 10th, mathematical certainty, if you hadn't hit that Mosler! We would have been 10th!
Richard: You said it wasn't my fault...
Jeremy: I was being nice, I didn't mean it...
James: Hey, this is more like it, isn't it? Normal service is being resumed!
Jeremy: Some say that as we speak he is actually relaxing in the resort pool, and he is, he is actually.
[on the Stig]
Richard: Now for this race, I shall pilot the little remote control car, because to get the best out of the G-Wiz for this test, it needs to be controlled by our finest driver: someone who has never sat on Santa's knee; someone who's never watched Moonraker on Boxing Day. [Which was indeed shown three days later on Boxing day by the BBC's main rivals ITV]
[on the old Jaguar S-Type]
James: You see, Mr. Jonathan Foreigner has this ridiculously outdated view of what Britain is. He thinks we all live in Anne Hathaway's cottage and then go out to Ye Olde Tea Rooms where we eat some Kendal mint cake. And then maybe we'll go out and find a red phone box and ring up some Beefeaters at the Tower of London to see if we can have our bowler hats back. It's rubbish!
[Nominees for the 'Lifetime Achievement Award']
James: Ken Livingstone for deciding that if you earn a living and pay tax and spend some of what's left on a car; and then pay Value Added Tax on that, and then buy some Road Fund Licence Tax to put the car on the road, and then pay Fuel Duty Tax on the fuel and Value added tax on that Fuel Duty tax, You should then pay 25 pounds - TAX! - to drive into the centre of the capital.
[David Tennant looking in the wing mirror on his power lap]
Tennant: Why am I looking in the wing mirror? There's no one behind me!
[On David Tennant's inability to find third gear on his lap]
Jeremy: Do you know where third gear was after that? It was all over the track.
[David Tennant has challenged Billie Piper's time on the leaderboard, which was allowed to stand despite her cutting a corner]]
Jeremy: [to Tennant] If you'd worn a see through top you'd have been faster than Simon Cowell.
[whilst watching the M3 do a lap]
Jeremy: M3 drivers have no friends.
[At the end of the episode]
Jeremy: That's it for this programme and indeed this series. We're off now to get very drunk. Goodnight!